OMGIFINALLYFINISHEDIT. Thanks for submitting approx. beyond-too-many-for-me-to-ever-fully-review-and-still-take-care-of-my-dog yesterday. I can’t even believe I got this post done. What is it, like 3pm NY time? omg it IS 3pm NY time.
In other news: at this point, if I were Kate Middleton, I’d probably be starting to get a little upset. It seems that being royalty begets you many riches but subtracts equal amounts in the way of respect. Because people are currently toasting to her wedding to Prince William with tea bags depicting her swimming in money, eating scones off of her face, ashing out their cigs on her embedded body, and just generally handling the gamut of kitschy souvenirs boasting her and her sweet, sweet baby’s likeness.
So, on that note, I flippantly asked you guys to help me with a *stupidest Royal Wedding things being sold* compilation, and you have BROUGHTENATED IT. It was hard to pare down the list, but here they are… the *best* of the best. (Contributors are totes credited at end of this post, ’cause thas how we do up in here, yaheard.)
By the way, if you like most or all of the commemorative thingies included in this list, please do let me know, would you? It’s a really effective way to figure out that we have nothing in common and probably shouldn’t ever become friends.
Wheeee! Ok, let’s start with the above…
Yup, Graham & Brown made some wallpaper for the occasion. So if you like crowns and coronets on your walls to remind you of how small you are in comparison, this is for you.
You can get those on Amazon, if you’re totally weird or really cool on a level I will never achieve and hope not to, that is.
Condiddlyondoms. Obvs. I think that’s what you get when your name’s Prince Willy.
I hear these condoms don’t actually prevent insemination. Wow, what a great idea!
Wait, there’s more:
I’ve never seen anything more formally stated.
As a side note, I’d just like to note here that I really love that America isn’t the source of all of this. Ok, onwards…
Premier Inn Bed Sheets.
Apparently, upon request, the Premier Inn will provide these things to couples staying at the inn on April 28th. You should totally do this.
Hey, you’re already eating and drinking uncomfortably close to their faces; why not ash on them to boot?
Ah yes, it’s all about homage and respect when it comes to THIS wedding.
PEZ dispensers, y’all.
She looks a bit more like Monica Lewinsky than Kate Middleton but good effort. Good effort!
This is the scariest thing with faces I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
If my fiance looked at me with a thousand yard stare similar to the one Willy’s rocking, I’d look into not only our relationship, but possible brain damage.
Please note, that crap coinage was expertly designed by some expert in designing coinage. SUCKSOLA!
Of course, the fridge. Like 70,000 of you mentioned this one, so I’m including it. If you’re the type of personal who actually wants to buy this thing – and NOT for the purposes of hilarity – you are useless and eating/drinking up all of my natural resources. Please stop. Please.
iPhone skins, obvs. Don’t buy these either, thanks.
It’s a “cruet set,” but I read it as “cruel set” at first – tell me that isn’t a more accurate description.
You guys, she looks higher than the plane upon which this postcard will be carried for its delivery.
This next one really weirds me out…
Yes, that’s a Royal Wedding c*** ring. I refuse to elaborate. It’s too naughty, even for me.
By the way, that’s a vow sheet. And it… ehhem… comes with your c*** ring. ← I don’t know how else I could have written that. I just kept coming back to “comes with your c*** ring.” Really, the pun forced itself down my throat. ← That one was all me.
Here’s a tamer ring – the Bazooka Royal Wedding Ring Pop.
Oh by the way, it’s not edible. Which keeps us seated safely upon the nonsense train, as we continue…
As dolls go, this I guess is a pretty neat-looking Kate Middleton doll:
THIS ONE ISN’T:
This one sucks.
I mean, really? Kate’s going to wear a ginormous paisley-esque fuchsia thingamajig on her side head? I think not.
If you’re looking to really make the boys scream, how ’bout this Royal Wedding London England Classic Thong? I guarantee, the boys will *scream* when you undress. They’ll scream all the way home, after not sexing you, because that thong is the Trashie McTrashers equivalent of a massive lower back tattoo that reads “open for business” and I-
oh DAMNIT. It’s made in the USA. Well there was bound to be one.
Or two… Prince William and Kate Middleton pizza, created by Papa John’s:
That’s pretty well done. RIDICULOUS, but pretty well done.
Hey look – BrewDog created a beer expressly for consummation, not commemoration, or at least that’s what they said.
Way to be antiestablishment-but-not-really, BrewDog! You totally mocked-but-not-really those other people making commemorative stuff. So edgy-but-not.
And finally, if you get too drunk playing drink-when-the-newspeople-draw-parallels-to-Princess-Di’s-wedding, here’s a barf bag.
Also perfect for throwing up after reading this post. Better than throwing up a little in your mouth!
And now it’s time for a big hug’n'kiss to the following contributors who submitted this terrible fabulousness:
Meena @ NY Daily News / The Groom Says / DanMar85 / not_so_witty / Jessica Fey / Marit Hanson / GigMasters / Carrara Nour / ByeByeBride / COLOoccasions / Jenna Masters / Honey Bee Invites / SparklyLove / The Man Registry / Paloma Naderi / L.O.V.E. Bouquets / Shawna Brinkley via The Sun
So, what’s your favorite? And if it’s not listed here, feel free to let us all know that, too.
Hope you liked, friendlies!
xoxo! - Alison