ROYAL WEDDING FAILS | Stupid Royal Wedding Things Being Sold Compilation | Mostly Hates, Maybe *a* Like.

OMGIFINALLYFINISHEDIT.  Thanks for submitting approx. beyond-too-many-for-me-to-ever-fully-review-and-still-take-care-of-my-dog yesterday.  I can’t even believe I got this post done.  What is it, like 3pm NY time?  omg it IS 3pm NY time.

In other news: at this point, if I were Kate Middleton, I’d probably be starting to get a little upset.  It seems that being royalty begets you many riches but subtracts equal amounts in the way of respect.  Because people are currently toasting to her wedding to Prince William with tea bags depicting her swimming in money, eating scones off of her face, ashing out their cigs on her embedded body, and just generally handling the gamut of kitschy souvenirs boasting her and her sweet, sweet baby’s likeness.

So, on that note, I flippantly asked you guys to help me with a *stupidest Royal Wedding things being sold* compilation, and you have BROUGHTENATED IT.  It was hard to pare down the list, but here they are… the *best* of the best.  (Contributors are totes credited at end of this post, ’cause thas how we do up in here, yaheard.)

By the way, if you like most or all of the commemorative thingies included in this list, please do let me know, would you?  It’s a really effective way to figure out that we have nothing in common and probably shouldn’t ever become friends.

Wheeee!  Ok, let’s start with the above…

Yup, Graham & Brown made some wallpaper for the occasion.  So if you like crowns and coronets on your walls to remind you of how small you are in comparison, this is for you.

AAAAAHHHH ↴

You can get those on Amazon, if you’re totally weird or really cool on a level I will never achieve and hope not to, that is.

Condiddlyondoms.  Obvs.  I think that’s what you get when your name’s Prince Willy.

I hear these condoms don’t actually prevent insemination.  Wow, what a great idea!

Wait, there’s more:

I’ve never seen anything more formally stated.

As a side note, I’d just like to note here that I really love that America isn’t the source of all of this.  Ok, onwards…

Premier Inn Bed Sheets.

Apparently, upon request, the Premier Inn will provide these things to couples staying at the inn on April 28th.  You should totally do this.

Hey, you’re already eating and drinking uncomfortably close to their faces; why not ash on them to boot?

Ah yes, it’s all about homage and respect when it comes to THIS wedding.

PEZ dispensers, y’all.

She looks a bit more like Monica Lewinsky than Kate Middleton but good effort.  Good effort!

This is the scariest thing with faces I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

If my fiance looked at me with a thousand yard stare similar to the one Willy’s rocking, I’d look into not only our relationship, but possible brain damage.

Please note, that crap coinage was expertly designed by some expert in designing coinage.  SUCKSOLA!

Of course, the fridge.  Like 70,000 of you mentioned this one, so I’m including it.  If you’re the type of personal who actually wants to buy this thing – and NOT for the purposes of hilarity – you are useless and eating/drinking up all of my natural resources.  Please stop.  Please.

iPhone skins, obvs.  Don’t buy these either, thanks.

This:

It’s a “cruet set,” but I read it as “cruel set” at first – tell me that isn’t a more accurate description.

You guys, she looks higher than the plane upon which this postcard will be carried for its delivery.

This next one really weirds me out…

Yes, that’s a Royal Wedding c*** ring.  I refuse to elaborate.  It’s too naughty, even for me.

By the way, that’s a vow sheet.  And it… ehhem… comes with your c*** ring.  ← I don’t know how else I could have written that.  I just kept coming back to “comes with your c*** ring.”  Really, the pun forced itself down my throat.  ← That one was all me.

Here’s a tamer ring – the Bazooka Royal Wedding Ring Pop.

Oh by the way, it’s not edible.  Which keeps us seated safely upon the nonsense train, as we continue…

As dolls go, this I guess is a pretty neat-looking Kate Middleton doll:

THIS ONE ISN’T:

This one sucks.

I mean, really?  Kate’s going to wear a ginormous paisley-esque fuchsia thingamajig on her side head?  I think not.

If you’re looking to really make the boys scream, how ’bout this Royal Wedding London England Classic Thong?  I guarantee, the boys will *scream* when you undress.  They’ll scream all the way home, after not sexing you, because that thong is the Trashie McTrashers equivalent of a massive lower back tattoo that reads “open for business” and I-

oh DAMNIT.  It’s made in the USA.  Well there was bound to be one.

Or two… Prince William and Kate Middleton pizza, created by Papa John’s:

That’s pretty well done.  RIDICULOUS, but pretty well done.

Hey look – BrewDog created a beer expressly for consummation, not commemoration, or at least that’s what they said.

Way to be antiestablishment-but-not-really, BrewDog!  You totally mocked-but-not-really those other people making commemorative stuff.  So edgy-but-not.

And finally, if you get too drunk playing drink-when-the-newspeople-draw-parallels-to-Princess-Di’s-wedding, here’s a barf bag.

Also perfect for throwing up after reading this post.  Better than throwing up a little in your mouth!

And now it’s time for a big hug’n'kiss to the following contributors who submitted this terrible fabulousness:

Meena @ NY Daily News / The Groom SaysDanMar85 / not_so_witty / Jessica Fey / Marit Hanson / GigMasters / Carrara NourByeByeBride / COLOoccasionsJenna Masters / Honey Bee Invites / SparklyLove / The Man Registry / Paloma Naderi / L.O.V.E. Bouquets / Shawna Brinkley via The Sun

So, what’s your favorite?  And if it’s not listed here, feel free to let us all know that, too.

Hope you liked, friendlies!

xoxo!  - Alison

Label(s): {Celebrity Weddings}, {News + Gossip}

Love all of this...

28 comments

  1. Kristen on April 27, 2011

    LOL…literally. I think the creepiest one is the c-ring with the vow sheet. Thanks for putting this together.

    Reply
  2. Laura on April 27, 2011

    Six thumbs up from the marketing girls at Wedding Shoppe Inc. in St. Paul, MN. :) You have us giggling at work, once again.

    Reply
  3. Meli (Blush + Jelly) on April 27, 2011

    I’ve been waiting all day for this post and it is awesome! Most of these things creeped me out but I have to say the c*** ring is the WORSE!

    Reply
  4. Alison on April 27, 2011

    Kristen – the c ring with the vow sheet is becoming my front horse. I just want one couple – just one couple – to buy it and read the vows to one another as they place it on. That would make my life, laughing-wise.

    Laura – work giggles are my ultimate goal! Go, that :)

    Meli – I’m glad it was worth it! :)

    Reply
  5. Jessica Fey on April 27, 2011

    Oh. Em. Gee. That c-ring?? CAH-REEPY!

    Reply
  6. Chelsea on April 27, 2011

    Maybe it’s all of the d*** references (condoms, c*** ring, etc.), but the cruets look like wonky wieners.

    Btw, I take it you want the refrigerator cover for Christmas? Because I know how to read between the lines. And I’m on it.

    Reply
  7. Alison on April 27, 2011

    Chelsea – Yes please. Thank you. :)

    Reply
  8. I’m am laughing so hard! Thanks for taking the time to put all of this together for those of us to enjoy! Great Job!

    Reply
  9. J (SparklyLove) on April 27, 2011

    What is up with that PEZ dispenser? They made her look old and hideous! This list is hilarious. Thanks for putting it together (and for the shout-out!) You’re the best!

    Reply
  10. Diana Rush on April 27, 2011

    Alison, this has got to be the BEST post I’ve seen regarding this whole royal wedding shindig! I loved it!

    Reply
  11. meena on April 27, 2011

    So glad you found so many filthy royal wedding commemoratives. I secretly hope Kate Middleton has the c ring, even though I can’t believe I just typed that. Ick ick ick city.

    Reply
  12. Lauren Elise on April 27, 2011

    Some of these items have the WORST photoshop jobs I’ve ever seen. Like did someone get paid to do that postcard? ‘Cause I can do a way better job than that. Like these people are royalty and getting married, give them a break and at least Photoshop a nice clean line around their heads…I think that’s the least they deserve.
    Funniest shit ever though! Alison, you really are the best.

    Reply
  13. Lena on April 27, 2011

    Dear Sweet Mother of Holy Baby Jesus.

    I think the c@*& ring is my favorite. And by favorite, I mean most horrifying, particularly the vows is comes with.

    I can only imagine how hard this post must have been on you. Go spend some time cuddling a puppy and picking flowers-you must need it!

    Reply
  14. brideandjoy on April 27, 2011

    Imagine how proud you’d be to be the curator of such a collection… hahahahaha!! Sweet lord, the black market merchandisers sure know how to lower the tone of an occasion!

    Reply
  15. lizzie on April 27, 2011

    okay…so the ring pop is actually kind of cool…ha. i don’t give a sh*t about the royal wedding…i definitely don’t want to ash on their faces though or snuggle in sheets that make me “look” like them? c’mon america! get it together!

    Reply
  16. Ashleigh on April 27, 2011

    Ok, If that Ring Pop was edible that would be awesome, but since its not, what’s the point?

    Thanks for putting this all together. This stuff is great!

    Reply
  17. Alicia @CharityWedding on April 27, 2011

    Sex objects- really?! And a refrigerator cover. I am embarrassed for a lot of people right now. And not so proud to be an American.

    Reply
  18. Eleanor Gannon on April 27, 2011

    Too funny! Who parts money for this kind of stuff??

    Reply
  19. Jessica Fey on April 28, 2011

    I wonder how Testino feels about his image being splashed over an appliance commoners only pay attention to when they are going for a midnight snack?

    Reply
  20. Kate/MagnoliaRouge on April 28, 2011

    Ahahah this is freakin’ hilarious!! Who the heck would even buy any of this? I just don’t get it. I mean we’re in the Commonwealth and all that but I just don’t get the obsession!!

    Reply
  21. Shawna on April 28, 2011

    what’s really pathetic is that you KNOW there is a really weird person out in this world (probably more than one actually)buying every single will and kate item they can find and they will show up on the next season of Hoarders Buried Alive. That would be the best episode EVER. They would have that will and kate frig rotted out with 100 will and kate papa johns pizzas.

    The c*** ring with the vows is so freaking weird. I wanna see the man that came up with this idea, you KNOW it was a man.

    Reply
  22. LAG on April 28, 2011

    And you just officially made my day. Hilarity all around!

    Reply
  23. Hahaha ok… the barbie is a bit creepy. The pizza is super creative.. a little much but very well done! I’m sure they will be quite popular at royal wedding parties! This is great!

    Reply
  24. Stephanie @ Geezees on April 28, 2011

    OMG…they are all crazy…but the Papa John’s Pizza is pretty ridiculous!!

    Reply
  25. Cocroft & Delbridge on April 28, 2011

    If I was Kate, I would be so upset about how terrible I looked as a doll, PEZ dispenser, and pizza topping. The poor girl hahaha.

    Reply
  26. Marlene on April 29, 2011

    Haha! I totally agree that a lot of this is ridiculous, but part if it has to considered in context…I grew up in London and the majority of my family still live there. The British people go TOTALLY BONKERS over celebrities and fads. The marketing and media there have always been hopelessly cheesy. Their staple reads on the train to work everyday are FREE “newspapers” that run headlines and David beckham and Lady Gaga. Seriously, everyone reads these trash – I love it!! – and British people love their marketing and gossip far more than Americans. So the stuff being sold isn’t truly that much more outrageous than sheets advertising Wayne Rooney during the world cup. But still weird and intriguing to Americans all the same :) i wrote a blog entry on this awhile back. Honestly tho, i think you’d get a laugh out of the madness over there… To a point ;)

    Reply
  27. Madison on May 2, 2011

    Haha the masks are scaring me! Isn’t it amazing how scary people look without eyeballs! Hmm and i think i would not like my wedding to be compared to intercourse and don’t even get me started on the ‘ahem’ ring. I LOVED PEZ, nostalgic memories flooding back! They don’t look nothing like them though, neither does the coin. A FRIDGE! A FRIDGE!! WHAT THE HELL!! How insane a person buys that! Ah well thanks for the laughs this article brought me!

    Reply
  28. Becca on May 17, 2011

    Soooooo great. Lets never forget the nails & kicks too!

    Reply

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