Can you help me pick up those names I just dropped? Thanks, I appreciate it.
Ok, SO. It’s late in the afternoon, do you know where your Knotty is? ;)
Alright buckle up, because HERE WE GO…
Due to popular demand and NOT AT ALL personal enjoyment (at least that’s what I tell myself), I am addressing what I seriously hope was the last episode I’d be sleeping through of this year’s Bachelorette: The Shut. Up. Season. Or, to employ one of Honey’s outbursts last night while I subjected him yet again to this misery… The Bachelorette: The “OOOOHHHH MY GOD she needs to stop saying his naaaaaammme already!” Season.
I’ve been going back and forth on the best way to give you my report before I get to today’s gorgeous wedding, and I’ve decided to go with a list of “How Not to Behave When Searching for Your One True Love.” But before we get to it, a preface…
Sometimes, in this crazy thing we call life, there are people who just have that *something* special. It can be hard to pinpoint. But the one thing that’s for sure is that they have it, it’s theirs, and it really doesn’t matter what they do, because this *thing* about them is also their ticket to getting away with anything. Case in point – John Mayer. He is a despicable, empty human being whose tongue both elicits the widespread adoration of fans, as well as gets him into loads of trouble. He says things about women that make my skin crawl. He treated Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson with disrespect, in a public forum. That’s NEVER ok. He may just be lost, emotionally, but that does not excuse his behavior.
And STILL, I, and countless others on this Earth, would very much delight in sitting on his face as soon as that tongue spews forth the first lyric of pretty much any of his songs. (With the exception, of course, of “Waiting on the World to Change.”)
Ashley’s unhealthy, ridiculous and frighteningly obsessive infatuation with Bentley (especially after 7 seconds of knowing him) reminds me of what I’ll call The John Mayer Syndrome [ ← COINED]. And I do not doubt that John Mayer is the manipulative type when alone with the women he screws over, much in the same way Bentley has been with Ashley.
What makes this situation unique, however, is the fact that Ashley is the most annoying human being on the face of the Earth.
And so, beyond the obvious reasons of being wholly disappointed when he didn’t see Emily’s round, supple, exceptionally perky breas-excuse me, FACE, Emily’s face – I meant Emily’s face… I’m starting to see very clearly why Bentley effed with Ashley. And at this point, I almost don’t mind it, at all. Thing is, Ashley seems to be just now learning the important lessons relating to dating, love and TMI that I’m pretty confident I learned all the way back in pre-through-grade school, right after Sharing and immediately before Nap Time. That’s where you learn these lessons, Kindergarten through fifth grade. Because when you don’t know what sex is (at least, when I was in grade school you didn’t – SIIIIGH KIDS TODAY), you talk and have somewhat meaningful conversations and friendships instead. Whoa what a concept.
Ok, here we go – Exhibit A:
Bentley: “Knowing that I’m home, it’s… it doesn’t look good… for me and you… and I would implore you to do all that you can to see what you have here, I guess.”
An Appropriate Response: “Hmm, clearly you have no interest in being with me. Ok, have a great life!”
Ashley’s Response: “So… this is our ‘period?’ Bentley there are some points in life where you just have to be a man and just admit that.”
Ashley, see above, where Bentley says he implores you to find someone other than him. Because, I mean -
Seriously, hello in there? Anybody thinking inside that head of yours? Guess not, because Ashley goes on to say…
“BLAH BLAH BLAH BE STRAIGHT WITH ME BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M BROKEN BLAH BLAH WELL THEN MISSION A-F***ING-COMPLISHED BLAH BLAH IT’S NOT FAIR TO THE OTHER GUYS BLAH I’M HOLDING ONTO THIS STUPID DOT DOT DOT BLAH BLAH WHERE’S MY PURPLE COMFORTER WHEN I NEED IT! BLAH BLAH ET CETERA.”
And, again, Bentley lays down the law, of course, in his own totally manipulative way, but still, it’s hardly unclear…
Bentley: “I feel like, with where you’re at, in this whole journey and process… maybe we should call it a period.”
An Appropriate Response: Ok, yeah, I heard you before… I’m already on the other side of the door to your hotel room and about to shut it, aright? Jeez, MESSAGE RECEIVED.”
Ashley’s Response: “So you came all the way here, when you could have just talked to me on the phone? Why?
Ashley, still fishing for something: “Don’t worry I’m not fishing for anything – I’m just curious… Why are you looking at me like that, Bentley.”
Now, regarding her *full disclosure conversations* with the rest of the guys she’s gonna try to make it worth with…
I think it was around first grade when I learned that you can’t tell a boy who likes you that you’ve been thinking about another boy while you’ve been out in the sandbox with him (or jaunting around Hong Kong with him trying new foods and generally being a bore, depending on your level of privilege in society) but that you’re like so totally past that other boy now, and that you just want to be honest as you go on this journey with him, all full disclosure-like.
BOYS – AND MEN, FOR THAT MATTER – DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT OTHER BOYS AND MEN WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU. In fact, I’m sure my Honey is still reeling a bit from my John Mayer commentary up top. IT’S HUMAN NATURE.
That, friends, is a pre-requisite to the following list of my Top 5 Love Tips regarding “How Not to Behave When Searching for Your One True Love.”
Step 1. Ok the first one is kind of obvious. It’s don’t go on the television show “The Bachelorette.” But assuming this is too tall an order for you, read on…
Step 2. Ok, so I see you decided to ignore Rule 1. And that’s fine! It’s fine. But then, if you make the show, before you start filming be sure to take word pronunciation classes to remove any off-putting, overly privileged sounding nuances in your dialect before they wreak havoc on your interviews and effectively make the world dislike you and everything for which you stand. Specifically, ask your instructor to focus on your pronunciation of certain words and phrases you already know are problem areas, including BUT NOT LIMITED TO: “per-FACT,” “after you LAFT,” “moving FOH-ward,” and “neg-LACTing.” Once completed, move on to Step 3…
Step 3. Find a reputable spray tanning facility and stick with it. Fly back and forth from Hong Kong to America if you must, just avoid AT ALL COSTS the Umpa Lumpa Effect. Once you’ve purchased your weekly flights, you are ready to move on to Step 4…
Step 4. Your hair’s fine. Your bangs are fine. (Well not really but let’s just say they are for the sake of discussion.) Usually playing with hair is an indicator of attraction, but you’re just fussing out of insecurity. So… STOP THAT. STOP. STOP IT. Stop moving it aside, because, when permitted to fall where it may, it does a great job of covering up your orange forehead. ← This is a best case scenario for you.
Step 5. Still don’t go on the show. Like one single couple has gotten married so far. It’s like a prescription drug for headaches that has a 95% chance for side effects, including but not limited to: death.
OKELYDOKELY! Let’s move on to this wedding submitted by the fantabulous Christina Diane Weddings, shall we? Yes, yes we shall. Because it is SOOOOO much more awesome than The Bachelorette. I mean, for starters, it involves an incredibly happy, super healthy and madly in love couple. Great start, eh? I agree. Second, they took a not so traditional approach to their wedding experience, and I’m excited for you guys to hear about it! A wedding doesn’t HAVE TO take place all on one day… did you know that? Ok, enjoy, lovelies!
And here’s our lovely couple, dancing the night away…
Oh but wait… that’s not all, of course…
Are you ready for my favorite part? This won’t come as a surprise, obvs., but still…
¡DANCE PARTY PHOTO BOOTH SITUATION!
High kick, woot! Gotsta love the photo booth dance party. Ya just GOTSTA.
Here’s the rundown from our lovely bride:
From the outset, John and I made a few key decisions that shaped the way our engagement and wedding evolved. We wanted our ceremony to be very small and private, we wanted a big party to celebrate with all of our friends, and we didn’t want to get distracted by everyone else’s ideas about what a wedding should be. We decided that we would get married in a City Hall ceremony on Friday with only immediate family in attendance, and would hold a reception on Saturday night. To focus our efforts further, we agreed on 3 concepts that we felt reflected who we are as a couple: we love to travel, we love great food and wine, and we love to have a great time.
Both of us are from the East Coast and have many close friends and family who had never been to San Francisco. After considering a lot of different options, we decided to throw a “destination wedding” right here in our own backyard. San Francisco has such a rich history, amazing sights, and incredible food and we really wanted to showcase the city for our guests. The idea of a classic city wedding that captured the old school glamour of San Francisco became our theme.
The Julia Morgan Ballroom was the first location we looked at and from the moment we stepped inside, we knew that it would be our venue. It perfectly captured the mood and feel we were going for – and Linda Hylen, the event coordinator – really embraced and understood the type of event we wanted to throw for our friends and family.
Although the ballroom is incredibly elegant, we didn’t want it to be stuffy – instead we wanted a fun, casual environment with a lounge-type feeling. Kathleen Deery helped us to execute this vision perfectly by arranging furniture vignettes among high-top tables and more traditional tables. We merely enhanced the existing beauty of the space with neutral colors: gold tablecloths, white flowers, and as many candles as the fire marshall would allow. We also setup a simple photo booth with a variety of props that our guests used to express themselves in creative poses.
Instead of a seated dinner, we opted for 3 food stations, and SpringLoaf Catering helped us to design a fun menu that reflected different San Francisco neighborhoods: “Potrero Hill” was a comfort food station with mac & cheese, cornbread, and pulled pork sandwiches. “Fisherman’s Wharf” was clam chowder in a bread bowl and tilapia; and “the Mission” was ceviche and chicken skewers. For dessert we went with an ice cream bar and a variety of toppings. The final, but critical component to our vision for the evening was our music. As soon as dinner was over, we killed the lights and DJ Jeremy Downing kept the dance floor packed until the end of the night.
The first piece of advice I would offer to any person planning a wedding is to design an event that reflects who you are and not worry too much about what other people are going to think. We dispensed with almost all of the traditional formalities you associate with a wedding (formal entrance, a seating chart, a wedding cake, a wedding party) and kept only the ones that we felt were important for us (a first dance). Both City Hall and the reception were so special in different ways and we felt that we really had the chance to enjoy and celebrate each unique experience. The second piece of advice I would offer is to surround yourself with vendors that you like and trust. With any large-scale event there will be moments of stress and hiccups along the way; however, I had so much respect for the talent of all of the people that we worked with and trust that they understood and shared our vision. That belief provided a sense of security throughout the weekend and helped us enjoy ourselves far more than I would have expected. It all helped us pull off what we consider to be the best event of our lives.
OK, SO… thoughts? You know the drill; on ANY or ALL (or totally randomly NONE) of the above. Alrighty, can’t wait to chat! :)
xoxo! – Alison
Photography: Christina Diane Weddings / Catering: Springloaf Catering / Flowers + Event Design: Kathleen Deery Design / Hair: Laura Kingston of Barnets Salon / Make up: Sophia Coyne / DJ: DJ Jeremy Productions / Venue: Julia Morgan Ballroom / Dress: J. Crew (Day 1) / Veil: Anne Michelle Heirloom via Etsy (Day 1) / Dress: Vera Wang (Day 2), purchased through Bridal Galleria / Hairpiece: LaBoheme via Etsy (Day 2) / Shoes: Kate Spade (both days) / Earrings: Viv & Ingrid / Rings: I Gorman Jewelers / Invitations (image): Greg Young / Invitations (graphic designer) A Arthur Fisher