Oh, is it late afternoon already? HAHAHAHAH, how interesting. Time flies I guess when you’re mocking celebrities and arranging weddings. Sigh.
Now, let it be known that I desperately wanted to title the tail end of this post “I like big d***s and I cannot lie,” but I thought it might, just might, be NSFW. So I trashed it. But it hurt to do it, so know that. Speaking of hurting…
I had all these plans and whatevs to blog about so many other things today, but then my homegirl Alicia of Charity Wedding had to go and attack my face and mind with what’s going on here:
And all hope for a sensible, non-difficult-sex-focused post was lost. Alicia knows of my feelings regarding littlewomanbigman syndrome, and the internal harm I will forever fear it inflicts, but in case you’re new around these parts, here’s a link to a couple of past posts-gone-wild, specifically, my concerns regarding Hayden P’s SuperSizeMe lovelife, and the fact that I totally nailed how that was going to turn out and all.
First off, Shaq dating a girl named Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander=the jokes write themselves. You all are pretty smart, I don’t need to go into detail why this is hysterical and terrifying (hysterrifying?).
I’ll just say that it hurts so much, mommy. Just to look at it. So much. Mommy I need you here with me right now. My eyes are retreating into my face and all they’ve seen is the *potential* this photo holds.
I can’t make this news the entire focus of this post, I just – I can’t, I can’t do it. It hurts my vaginal walls even to continue writing about it. Just please know that I am doing my best right now not to work on the many possible jokes born of the fact that her middle name (street name? penname? sea anemone?) is “Hoopz.” You understand.
However, I WILL note that, after staring at Shaq’s adorable pocket-sized girlfriend, I’m starting to notice that she looks EXACTLY LIKE HAYDEN PAAHHHNETTIIIHHIERREEEE. Spitting image. Same hips, same face, same chest, same general look. I want them to be friends so they can share stories of their x-rated versions of fat man little jacket. Except, their stories are like, the reverse, of that? Or something? See, I need to let this pass. We have a wedding to attend via this blog. Let’s get there right now…
Today’s wedding, submitted by the fabulous Bryan and Mae, is absolutely lovely. And by the way, the thing I almost love the most – if I’m allowed to be silly about it – is that their reception venue is called the “Goei Center” – I don’t know how it’s pronounced, so in my mind I went with “gooey center,” like the gooey yummy middle of an ever so slightly undercooked chocolate chip cookie. I prefer them slightly undercooked. FYI. If you ever send me cookies. Or a whore teacup, or something along those lines WHERE IS MY WHORE TEACUP WORLD.
Yeah, but so this wedding rumbles my heart a bit, mainly because of the utter simplicity of it. Like I’ve said so many times before, we go lady gaga over highly detailed weddings here on TKB, but it’s also a fantastic delight to witness, on occasion, a wedding with a true sense of straightforward simplicity and focus on family and the couple’s personal story. This is one such wedding.
Who am I kidding, all of the weddings on TKB focus on the right, meaningful stuff. High detail or no detail. But you guys are pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down here, right? Ok, let’s get to it…
First, here are some words from our gorgeous bride about her day:
When we first got engaged we knew that we wanted our wedding to have 3 main elements;to tell our story, to honor our guests, and we wanted to have the best dance party ever. Stories have always consumed my life from Herman Melville to my husband’s childhood to the chuppah of the Jewish tradition. We loved intertwining the stories of the past with those of the present. In respect to this passion we gave away used books as favors, and made our escort cards into library cards placed in catalogue drawers. It turned out to be very eclectic, vintage, and at the same time very meaningful. My dad and I have a very special relationship and didn’t want just a cheesy, bittersweet song to dance to. We decided instead to get our groove on to “Whip Your Hair” by Willow Smith. We got to show all the people we love that we share the same spirit. It was both surprising to our guests and fun for my dad and I. Andy and I got the party of our dreams– We didn’t want to leave! Thanks to Bottom 40 DJ’s and Bryan and Mae, the guests had the most interactive reception with a goof booth and dance party that shook the floor boards. To all you brides-to-be, make this about you and your future spouse. Bring forth your story in creative and inspiring ways, and don’t be afraid to let go of control.
OmGOD, how good is this. How good is all of this????!!!!!! I heart first looks. You?
I’m in love. So simple. So precious. So *them* just as Abby wanted. Of course, that IS the idea… amirite? :)
And now, your Bambino McPuppyPants fix…
He won’t stop doing this, you guys. Why won’t he stop DOING THIS.
So, thoughts? As always, say anything. About anything. But as always, just be sure to asterisk (*) those cuss words right out. Thank ya kaandly!
xoxo! - Alison
P.S. – We are announcing the winning couple of our Cameron Leung Photography Contest TOMORROW, y’all. So yup, get pumped. Also, if you’re one of the three finalist couples, kindly refrain from dying of an anticipation heart attack. Please. … k?
Photography: Bryan and Mae / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Hair Stylist: Captivation / Caterer: The Catering Company / Floral Designer: Eastern Floral / Reception Venue: Goei Center / Cake Designer: Delicious Bakeshop / DJ: Bottom 40 / Shoes: Nina Shoes
Shaq and his new opening via Tosh.0