I have news. I now know what an earthquake feels like, since, as many of you know, one just happened along what seems to be the entire eastern seaboard, including parts of Canada. I’ve always wondered how I’d react in an earthquake situation, and I’m proud to say that I know the answer to that now. That is where the pride ends, though. Here’s what I did and thought as the eaaarth. mooooooved. undah-mah-feet:
What I did - remained still; looked Ames Shocked.
What I thought to myself - “Is someone… why is someone out there shaking my building? Come on, whoaoooooooaaaaaaahhh who is shaking my building right nooooow????
… Bambo, you ok? *looks at Bambo* *Bambo = snoring; Bambo seems over the earthquake, while it is currently happening to him*
… Is that furniture movement? What kind of furniture movement in the apartments above and adjacent to mine could be causing such movement? Ok, I need to get up and put some shorts on.”
And ↑ THAT ↑, my friends, is how a pro deals with a 5.8 earthquake. Imma let that sink in for a moment so you guys can draw from my experience and response, and just really feel prepared when it one day happens to you.
BACHELOR PAD TWO RECAP TIME
Ok, NOW. Kimberly Carlson submitted the loveliest, prettiest wedding to me recently, and I’m PSYCHED to whip it out. But first, of course, your Bachelor Recap, lovers…
Because last night was so shenanigan-filled and retina-blanching, and because I like writing lists when there’s too much to cover without losing my mind, I present to you, my Bachelor Pad 2 recap list… and GO:
Lemme set the scene for the show: Everyone’s in a bathing suit. Ok now that I’ve set the scene for the show, let’s begin…
- Why didn’t anyone tell me that Kasey had the voice of an angel?
- Thanks to this show, I’ve come to realize that I’m a very big fan of mens’ package close-up shots. By “very big fan” I mean I can’t really stand this show anymore, beyond the little bit I’ve been able to stand this show.
- Michelle Money seems very much the voice of reason on Bachelor Pad 2. *Home Improvement Sitcom Grunt*
- I don’t know what turned me on more about his singing; the way his head trembled with every held note, or the way it’s paired with his good looks. I’m excited to see Kasey perform on The Muppet Show Tonight. I’m sure he’s welcoming the opportunity to become more than the guy who has his arm up Kermit’s muppet anus.
- There were many moments on the show where I had to watch through my scissorhands. This is how I watch scary movies. Face mostly covered by palm, with eye-slits created by the separation of the fore- and middle-fingers. Occasionally the middle- and ring-fingers.
- Watching and listening to Kasey singing caused me to dry heave, at the same time that I was screaming “nooooooooooooo” which was at same time that I was sitting very still, unable to move. I used to experience sleep paralysis in college, but now I realize, finally, that it was just the boy band music my roommate played late at night.
- I don’t like how obvious tiara’d Erica Rose is making it that she’s on prescription slow-release medication.
- Tiara’d Erica Rose experiences remarkable bouts of Prozac-induced honesty release, which is likely a response to her slow-release medication. Please note that these are not to be mocked; on the contrary, they are to be treasured, as the little emotionless truth gems they are. For emotions destroy truth. But Prozac destroys emotions. However, paper destroys Prozac (it suffocates it – this is how it destroys rock). Actually, rock destroys everything, and our childhood games are bulls**t. Seriously who the f**k thought up Rock Paper Scissors. No seriously I’m asking.
- Prozac is really changing reality television.
- When Jake Pavelka kissed Erica Rose, my body – I don’t – I really don’t know how to explain this to you – my body, it began to involuntarily spasm and simultaneously release deep, guttural yells and moans, that I refuse to discuss after this day. I would like to leave it back there, back on Monday night. So let’s just agree not to revisit it. It’s best. Hehe-heh-no, uhhh, no reason – hehehe – no reason to relive it, RIGHT??!
- “I definitely have good lips. That I maintain. With getting injections every six months.” – honesty gem from Erica, brought to you by Prozac.
- As Kasey slowly opened up a ring box gift for Vienna, Vienna growled “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring!” Kasey then explains, it actually isn’t an engagement ring, but a promise ring. Phew. Awkward moment avoided!
- I’m worried I’m the only one who found Bret Michaels’ appearance to be utterly laughable and 17 versions of awkward.
- Am I the only one who found Bret Michaels’ appearance to be the above?
- Bret Michaels deserved a better stage. His kitchenette served only to literally cramp his style. And by style, I mean why the f**k was Bret Michaels on Bachelor Pad 2.
- Vienna was probably the inspiration for that Debbie Downer character on SNL back when Rachel Dratz(sp?) was on the show.
- I miss the hot tub scenes from Rachel Dratz and Will Ferrell on SNL, in which they called themselves “lover.”
- WHERE THE F**K ARE MY HOT TUB SCENES, BACHELOR PAD 2?!
- Vienna needs to go. I want her to meet with the makeup artist on set, have a sit-down lesson for an hour, maybe pick up some eye-makeup application tips, learn a bit about “Warm” and “Cool” colors, and which skin tones they pair best with, and then I want her to leave the show forever. But I’m serious ABC, I really want you to let her hang out for about an hour, and get some one on one time with your senior makeup artist.
- I miss Gia Allemand.
- Is it true Gia Allemand is dating one of the producers?
- I love endings where they drum roll for a long time and then cut to black right at the moment you’re going to hear the thing you’ve been waiting to hear for 2 hours.
- Vienna really showed her garlic clove murdering skills last night. I think I’d have fun with her on a camping trip; she could cook probably. I bet she’d have a lot of not-entitled-sounding things to say.
AMAZEBALLS DIY WEDDING TIME
It’s time for this f**king amazeballs wedding, y’all.
This wedding excites me, because it’s changed my mind about something. I really delight in moments like that, as I like to think of myself as someone who’s open to new experiences (shut up, Honey). So, when Kimberly Carlson submitted today’s feature, I ’bout crapped my pants, from sheer previously-held-belief-shockage. This wedding… it’s all pink and purple. I usually HAAAAAATE all pink and purple. But this wedding… it’s somehow DIFFERENT. Somehow… UNBELIEVABLY CHIC AND ADORABLE AND ROMANTIC AND I’M GOING TO LOSE READERS IF I keep talking in caps. Let’s stop that right now shall we.
Shauna and Robert did such a fantastic job with their wedding, and I truly adore this couple’s aesthetic. Hope you guys enjoy it, too!
But first, here’s the rundown from our gorgeous bride:
My wedding day came together so wonderfully. It was great when my husband looked around at everything in awe, and then looked at me and told me how beautiful everything was. I knew at that point that all of the hard work and planning had paid off.
To make our wedding really special, we added a lot of DIY touches and decorations that held special significance in our relationship. We had two subtle themes to our wedding. One was music and the other was a key. We had special song lyrics on our save the dates and programs, played special songs at our ceremony, and our vows also had lots of song lyrics inserted throughout.. My husband plays guitar and sings and I also enjoy singing. Participating in the worship band at our old church was one thing that brought us together, so we wanted that to be a part of our wedding.
The other special things we portrayed throughout our wedding were keys. Because I’m a girl who likes to have things go according to a plan, I wouldn’t allow my then boyfriend to propose until I said it was okay. He joked that there was a window of opportunity for marriage and that it was closed and locked! So when I was ready, I wrapped up an antique key and attached my dad’s phone number to it, giving him a key to the window of opportunity and the key to my heart. So we had keys on our wedding website, invitations, place cards, and the original key on my bouquet.
So I’m now married to my best friend and had a truly magical day. My advice in planning a wedding would be to focus on the big picture. If you want to stress about the nitty gritty details, make sure that you’re doing it for you and your future husband and no one else, because in the end, that’s all that really matters.
Thoughts? Bachelor Pad peeps, lemme hear your thoughts. And if you’re not a Bachelor Pad watcher, I admire you. We all admire you. But also, I’d love to hear what you think of this killer wedding. :)
xoxo! - Alison
Photography: Kimberly Carlson Photography / Wedding Planner, Decor, Table settings & Flowers: Genesis Master of Events / Dessert: Britni Gardner with Sweets by Britni / The Dress/dresses: Elegant Bride / The Brides shoes: Unlisted / The suits: Fresno Suit Outlet / The tie: JC Penney’s / Signs/Painted Letters: The groom and bride made themselves.