Happy Tuesday afternoo- errr late evening, bubelahs! How you doin’, you doin’ well? You feelin’ good? Weather nice, near you? I love your shoes today. How’s the guy, he good? Yeah, he’s doing well? Good, good. ALRIGHT SMALL TALK OVER.
I took my sweet time with this post because a) you know me, that’s what I do but also that’s what perfectionism gets you and, b) I wanted everyone who’s anyone to have the chance to download into their brain stems for ever and ever and ever because it will never stop haunting you, the BP finale, as my California folk *do not appreciate* spoilers, understandably. And as you know, I am here to serve. So here’s me, not spoiling things. Until now, when I start spoiling them. I do hope it’s late enough in the evening for you!
HOLY MOTHER SEVEN PIGEONS JUST LANDED ON MY WINDOW SILL OUT OF NOWHERE. AGAIN. This is exactly like the last time except with six more pigeons = A GAME-CHANGER. Shock factor was turned up to eleven. Ohmygod my heart is beating so fast. Bam is on high alert. I’m sorry but it is beyond terrifying and I can’t handle these sudden seemingly-planned arrivals. Lemme calm down for a second. Here, here’s a bit of today’s inspiration shoot for you to look at, while I recover. It’ll just take a second.
Ok, I’m back. Thanks for waiting, awww that was nice of you. Now, some of you who are on Twitter might remember I tweeted sometime late yesterday about some behind the scenes stuff we were working on all day? Well it’s BLOGGISTAS RELATED AND I CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF. Next week, y’all, is when you’re gonna meet our newest batch of bloggistas. Some you may already love who are currently out there in the blogging world, and others who are super fresh faces, and you’ll have trouble believing you had survived this long without them in your lives. So yeah, the psyched-ness factor is in the ON position. By the way, to say that these fantastic, stylish and super funny and/or hella cool ladies are extremely talented photo-arranging, DIY-creating, fully-entertaining, story-telling geniuses (geniu? genie in a bottle? genu? geewuhhoohaagoo?) is the biggest understatement of the century.
Maybe not century. Understatement, yes. Century – probably not. I’m going with understatement, period. End sentence.
Now, I considered recapping dos programs today – seriously considered it – for one, because Bachelor Pad wrapped up in a nice, succinct three hour slow-drip and two, because I find that the megahousewifosaurus is getting to me *just enough* to get me to want to get to them, by mocking their very existences via playful verbiage on a blog they don’t read (or at least I hope they don’t read. even though Bravo likes to ask us for help with casting [← BRAGGING WIN]… but… nooooo… they don’t re…. nahh, they don’t read it, right? nahhh, they don’t. yeah Imma keep going…) anyway what actually ended up happening was I DIED BECAUSE THESE SHOWS KILLED MY FACE.
You know those hot tub scenes and Sex Audition Rounds (or, Fantasy Suite Card Dates) I’d been clamoring for in previous BachPad recap rants? Well I finally got my hot tub scene. In the form of a very very sad sad very sad moment between two women on Real Housewives of Bev. Hills that was neither hot, nor sex auditioney at least in a sufficiently fulfilling way. I never thought a hot tub scene on a reality show could make me feel so not sexy, and instead, extremely sorrowful for suffering rich ladies with painful internal turmoil and tight, tight neck cords that remain tight tight tight in the neck during painful conversations that are stressful.
And then, there’s the finale of Bachelor Pad. Which, aside from a life of regret, gave me
- Vienna being a sauseeege
- Jackie, who without revealing the reasons behind her breakup with Ames, FULLY FULL-ON REVEALED the exact reasons for their breakup BY BEING THE CLINGIEST DAMAGED GIRL THE WORLD OVER
- Ella’s middle name going from “this is for my son CRY CRY I want to buy him a home TEARS TEARS we have so little CRY” to Ella “was that elective nosejob surgery a gift?”
- Sweet, sweet wouldn’t hurt a fly Michael being drawn and quartered on live television by those who are supposed to love him the most
- Sweet, sweet wouldn’t hurt a fly Michael rocking the hilarious retorts even in the deep deep deepest depths of his despair
- Me developing a crush on Michael because of his resilience and brilliant hilarity in-the-clutch
- Me getting extremely angry at ABC for concocting this whole faux scenario because I have insider information and I want you to know that Holly and Blake are not in fact, that evil
- Me being serious about me being really, really pissed at the writers about this. Some water would be great.
- Maybe a commercial break…? would be nice.
- Me thanking G-d that this season is finally over.
I’ve been trying for the last four seconds to figure out the best analogy for this season of BachPad. Here’s what I came up with, in those seconds: I think it’s the reality show equivalent of a seven day meth binge. No no, that’s not right. People enjoy their meth binges. They’re the reality show equivalent of coming down from a seven day meth binge, having swallowed nothing but Mountain Dew, cigarettes and all of your most difficult emotions, and having had limited-to-no access to wash cloths or friendship. Plus you got impaled in your face while coming off the meth.
EEEEEEEE… NOUGH. Because this killer glam styled shoot, submitted by the utterly fantastic Lottie Fowler of Couture Events by Lottie is here for your viewing pleasure and I’ve been dyyyyying to share it with you guys. Seriously dying. The cake ALONE, my friends, my pals. But also the dress alone. And the venue alone. And the hair accessory alone. And the photography alone. And the silhouette factor alone. And the entire styling situation alone.
I die. Here, die:
And now, I present to you, A Day in the Life of Bambino McPuppyPants…
In today’s episode, I’m drawing from this thing I read about how people apparently enjoy books a lot more when they know the ending ahead of time. Soooo, here’s the ending to a new saga in Bambo’s life:
I call it, “Fouffy Face.”
Tomorrow, you’ll see a detailed explanation in pictures that will explain in vivid detail exactly what brought Mr. Bam McPuppy from a relatively pristine-mouthed puppy, to…
*In theaters nowhere. Also, dolphins were harmed in the making of this film. Also also, it’s not a film.
Thoughts? Y’know… on anything.
xoxo! - Alison
Photography: Jonathan Ivy Photography / Design Concept & Coordination: Couture Events by Lottie / Cakes: Sugar Bee Sweets / Stationery: Southern Fried Paper / Floral: Kate Foley Designs / Jewelry: Stella & Dot Rep Leanne Conway / Wedding Dress: Circle Park Bridal / Rentals: Rent My Dust Vintage Rentals / Headpieces: Serephine / Linens: BBJ Linen / Makeup and Hair: Something You Makeup Artistry / Venue: The Library Bar in Warwick Melrose Dallas Hotel