IN THE SPIRIT OF BOUDOIR… | My Reactions – and there are many – to Cosmopolitan’s “50 Great Things to Do with Your Breasts.” … Yes, this is happening.

I’ve got my sexy face on this afternoon.  It’s on my mind in a very real way.  I’ll be the first to admit it.  Of course, given the fact that we just launched our boudoir photography giveaway yesterday afternoon, I’m hardly surprised.  So today?  I’m having fun with my thoughts.  And so I pray that you are able to have fun with my thoughts, too.  Because here come my thoughts… 

I was on twitter a bit earlier SHOCKING I KNOW and I was tweeting with peeps about the boudoir giveaway we just launched, when I saw a tweet from Cosmo about some Best Bachelor competition or something, and how the guy from NY is “the man to beat.”  Naturally, this excited me, and I had to see this man, specifically in the face.  I mean, I certainly didn’t remember submitting Honey to a Cosmo competition.  (←Honey, points?)  Anyway, so I bit, and I clicked their link.  Spoiler Alert: Cosmo… your assertion is debatable.  But I’m not even on the topic of the guy contest anymore, because this is what I saw in the sidebar:

Cosmo Article Title: “50 Great Things to Do with Your Breasts.”  Obviously, I need to make this the focus of today’s blog.  OBVIOUSLY.  Or like Rachel Zoe’s people say and I wish they wouldn’t, “OBVI!”  Really, let’s kill that one right now.  I mean like, obvs.

Ok, let’s start with number 1…

1. Go braless and wear a silk or combed-cotton tee—it’ll feel amazing brushing against your skin all day.

↑ This is business as usual for me.  And if I *felt* the clothing I wear *brushing against* my two little bitties all day, I’d be cursing the heavens for the sensitivity I was bestowed in that region where you do not want to feel anything until you want to feel everything.  ifyouknowwhatimean.  andithinkyoudo.  wink wink nudge nudge.  

2. When you’re lounging together on the couch reading or watching TV, guide his hand inside your bra and have him lightly scratch your breasts with his fingertips.

↑ WHAT?  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Nobody do this.  What if he accidentally gets the nip??  Scratched nips are NOTHING TO JOKE ABOUT.

4. Score a perfect sunless boob tan: Shower and exfoliate, then put a dab of petroleum jelly on your nipples to make sure they keep their natural color. Evenly apply the self-tanning lotion or spray to your tatas, and lean forward for a few minutes to help them dry blotch-free. Then show off your (safely) bronzed twins by hitting up a secluded beach (or ahem, a private yacht like Gisele did) with your guy. Just be sure to ask him to cover your breasts in SPF first.

↑ Ok I’m gonna have to try this.

6. For a sexy sensation the next time you’re getting busy in bed, get your guy to try this technique with his hand: Make a V with his index and middle fingers, and lightly scissor them around your nipples.

↑ Please don’t ever again use ‘scissor’ and ‘nipples’ in the same sentence ever again ever.  Thank you.

9. Apply lotion, and treat the girls to a sensual massage. Using a circular motion and medium pressure, rub from the base of your boobs up along the outer edges, stopping just below your armpits. Then place your hands on your breastbone, and work your way across the center of your chest, out toward the sides of your body.

↑ This actually happened to me once.  In a [REPUTABLE, HIGHLY RATED AND RESPECTED] spa.  It was my first massage and I was a teenager.  They gave me a guy massagist.  Ok, fine.  Near the end, he mentioned that he’d been studying “breast massage” and proceeded to “breast massage” my “breasts.”  I have been too weirded out to ever look up if “breast massage” even exists, in the professional massage realm.  If it doesn’t, you know what, don’t even tell me.  I don’t wanna know, honestly.

10. Have him trace a figure eight stretching around both nipples while giving you a deep, steamy kiss.

↑ Ok that one kinda turned me on.  NEXT ONE.

11. Strategically place rose petals over your bare nipples just before he comes to bed.

↑ ………… ok.  (strategically?  like the way we moved on Iraq?)

13. Want to go braless to a party or bar? You can avoid the smuggling raisins effect by sticking on nipple concealers (try Low Beams, look for them on herlook.com).

↑ I don’t know about you, but I like to roll with full on head lights when I’m attending parties.  Full on.  Next.

16. Dare him to unhook your bra without using his hands.

↑ LOL.  This is going to be hysterically hilarious at my house.  Fortunately, laughter turns me on… in bed.  (Fortune Cookie WIN!)

20. Dust a light coating of baby powder between your boobs to keep them dry when you work up a sweat at the gym.

↑ This is actually smart.  This is very smart and you should probably do this if sweating is an issue for you.  I know guys LOVE baby powder.  For reasons I will not discuss because that is just going too far, even for me.

21. When you want to go purse-free, stick your ID and credit card in your cleavage.

↑ I’ve actually done this before, and it ended up where I forgot I had stuck my card in my cleavage, and I had to *dig into my boobs* to find my credit card to hand to the secretary at my DOCTOR’S OFFICE.  So, pretty much, don’t try this one out if you’re forgetful, or your very next stop isn’t your honey’s embrace.  Because you’ll end up freaking out the family friend who works at your family’s doctor’s office in your town.

22. Totally relax and lose yourself. Ditch your top in the sauna at the gym, and just close your eyes.

↑ Really?  Generally speaking, I don’t like losing myself nakedly in public arenas where germs have extended families.

24. When you’re feeling sore around your period, wrap a refrigerated raw lettuce leaf around each breast and hold it there until it wilts.

LMFAO.

27. Covertly flash him in an empty stairwell before a party, during a hike, in your car in the parking lot….

↑ No seriously, do this.  It is AMAZEBALLSLY FUN.  Just don’t do it in the dark, where you can lose your footing and accidentally trip over a stone picnic table and forever scar yourself with the Scarlet Letter of your own stupidity.

29. Re-create a much comfier version of Madonna’s infamous cone bra in the bubble bath.

↑ Maybe they should have stopped at 27.  Clearly reaching now.

38. Do a topless solo photo shoot, and hide the evidence. When you’re 70, you’ll love to look back at how awesome they were.

↑ I think you guys know I like THAT ONE! :)

40. Put temporary tattoos of his name around your nipples, and give him a peek when you bend forward in an undone button-up.

↑ I feel like this is going to turn out making me look like I have hairy nipples.  That’s not where I wanna take things.  I believe it would be hard to come back from that.

42. Stick on nipple tassels, and practice swinging them (hint: It’s all in the knees). Use your newfound talent to put on a sexy show for your man.

↑ Seriously?!  It’s all in the knees?  I’ve been trying all these years with only brief moments of perfect swirling action with my tassels.  And now I hear it’s all in the knees.  Let me go get my tassels!  Wait, WHERE IS THAT YOU BUY TASSELS?  BECAUSE WHAT THE F WORD IS GOING ON WITH THIS LIST.

44. Try a new kind of wake-up call: Lightly brush your nipples across his stomach and chest to get both of you in the mood for morning sex.

↑ Ok, I know that one sounds pretty beyond awkward if you haven’t tried it, but just trust me when I say it’s a good thing.  Martha would approve.

46. Visit the “Jersey Shore” nickname generator…

↑ Nope, no.  I read ‘Jersey Shore’ and so we’re skipping that one.

47. Hide tickets to that baseball game your guy’s been dying to go to in your bra, and tell him to go hunting for hidden treasure.

↑ He will be searching the fridge for an hour.  And giving him hints kills #47 for me.  So PASS.

49. Work silicone bra inserts in a tank top for a day, and keep a tally of all the men who stare at your cleavage.

↑ Go, society!  Good to see we’ve got our priorities straight.

Ok so I just noticed that the two related stories beneath that Cosmo Online article I’m riffing are “Bizarre Boob Behavior” and “Would you Put This Between Your Boobs?”  SOOOOOOOOO I think that’s enough of that.  Don’t you think?  Anyway, I’m really excited by how excited you are about the exciting giveaway excitingness exciting excite.  Excitement!  And there’s much much much more boudoir to come, in the form of features and tips and all that yummy sexy stuff.  Because boudoir isn’t what it used to be, and we’re so pumped that you guys love what it’s become in modern day!  Tasteful, not always nakey, and the most fun you’ll ever have when it comes to getting all frou-frou’d up.  Here’s another taste of some upcoming boudoir features and more goodies:

Gotta love it.  Can’t wait to share those features with your faces’ eyes!

Now, my dearies…

1) Isn’t it great knowing that you don’t have to get all nakey and stuff to have a successful and beautiful and satisfying and sexy boudoir session?  I love that.

2) Am I crazy, or do you agree with my (probably crazy) reactions to the Cosmo article?

xoxo!  - Alison

You can explore more of The Boudoir VixenHaute Boudoir, Captivating Boudoir and The Boudoir Divas in Vendor Love, TKB’s preferred vendor guide.

First photo collage: top and lower right images by Allie Lindsey; lower left image by The Boudoir Vixen / Second photo collage: top image by The Boudoir Divas; lower left by Haute Boudoir; lower right by Captivating Boudoir / Stand alone image by The Boudoir Vixen / Also, the link to Cosmo article for 50 insane ideas that are redonk

Label(s): {News + Gossip}, {Real Boudoir}

Love all of this...

24 comments

  1. Mindy on October 7, 2011

    Okay, I had to stop here because I’m DYING. LAFF DYING.

    “strategically? like the way we moved on Iraq?”

    Reply
  2. Jackie P on October 7, 2011

    Two words: HA! HA!

    Reply
  3. Ilana on October 7, 2011

    Holy man: Scissors? Nips? no thank you. I am such a fan of all of the boudoir-related posts. I WILL be doing a knock-out session for my FH as a wedding gift and I AM SO EXCITED! I also wish I was going to be in NYC for Oct 15 so I could justify entering, but too bad. Whoever wins that is a lucky lady! Nice giveaway

    Reply
  4. Lena on October 7, 2011

    THANK YOU FOR CRACKING ME UP. Also, for convincing everyone in the office that I’m batshit. And for the lovely, mostly dressed photos full of sexy-I think I know who to channel this weekend!

    Reply
  5. Kylie on October 7, 2011

    Massively funny!! Well done for taking the time to write such a witty comeback to the article. Made my boring Friday night of work just that little more funny ;) x

    Reply
  6. Laicie on October 7, 2011

    HAHA OMG — thank you for brightening my evening, Alison! Sitting waiting in my car for a jump because I left my lights on for the SECOND time this week (winning) and DYING laughing… I love your blog.

    Reply
  7. Ann on October 7, 2011

    LOL! I’m still trying to gather myself to write a good response. HAHAHAHA

    Reply
  8. Suzanne on October 7, 2011

    Regarding number 42, it’s actually in the shoulders (not the knees). (Did we miss #43?) Anyway, GREAT post. Loved it!

    Reply
  9. Wedding Prints on October 7, 2011

    Wow! I need a laugh today. Thanks!

    Reply
  10. Ariella on October 7, 2011

    LMFAO

    Wow. I would have LOVED to be an editor during this editorial meeting. I would have died laughing the minute someone mentioned the lettuce bra.

    When I go out with the girls, I always keep stuff in my bra. It’s only gotten easier since my boobs have gotten bigger. And when my husband and I go for a walk, I’ll stick our apartment key in there too.

    I can’t believe I never thought about baby powder. (TMI ALERT) Swamp boob in these NC summers stuck.

    Reply
  11. Kimber on October 7, 2011

    hilarity. omg. almost “tears running down my leg” with scissor nippage.

    Reply
  12. Sara Smyth on October 8, 2011

    Truly hilarious AND it’s really early here AND I have a hangover so I really appreciate the laugh. Going to wake my husband up now, make him read it, then find some lettuce to stuff in my bra :)

    Reply
  13. Donna F on October 8, 2011

    Wow. I love this! Best post ever! Thanks for the laughs!

    Reply
  14. Casey on October 8, 2011

    HI-larious. So much lol-ing going on this saturday morning, thank you! I mean, my dog jumped when he heard my aughter to this gem: “I don’t know about you, but I like to roll with full on head lights when I’m attending parties.” Haha, ridiculous.

    Reply
  15. TheFavourShoppe on October 9, 2011

    Amazing post!! LOL

    Reply
  16. Madison on October 9, 2011

    Its totally on my bucket list to do a boudoir shoot! LMFAO at the list! I remember doing number 21 once, forgot the stuff was in there, adjusted my bra at some point in the day = lost credit card. 24 made me laugh so much, i literally thought you had made it up!

    Reply
  17. HAHA Thank you for making my Monday that much better. You are hilarious!! And I totally agree, I love that you don’t have to be completely naked to have a sexy and satisfying boudoir session. Props to you for showcasing that! xoxo, Sarah

    Reply
  18. abi on October 11, 2011

    Thank you for making me laugh. I’m taking a break from painting (due to some recent flood damage) and you made my day.

    Reply
  19. Kristine {In Love, Engaged} on October 12, 2011

    I just gotta ask. Did you flash Honey and then trip and fall over a stone picnic table??? No reason. Just thought I read that somewhere. :)

    Reply
  20. M and S on October 13, 2011

    sexyyy! :)

    Reply
  21. Very sexy and so gorgeous! I love your blog!

    Reply
  22. lea on December 10, 2011

    seriously i read lots of blogs and this is the only one that cracked me up enough to write something..thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  23. Bethany on January 8, 2012

    You may possibly be my favorite.

    Reply
  24. kita on September 2, 2012

    Just had to say – laughed my ass off through your commentary on this one.

    Reply

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