Happy Tuesday evening, peoples! How are you? Having an ok week so far? I hope so! Within this very post, I’ve got two things for your faces: the first is one of my waaay too personal stories that not only serve to remind you of just how weird I am, but also force you to question your own sanity, and why you’re crazy enough to keep visiting this blog. AND THEN one of TKB’s resident DIY Bloggistas Andrea, of Gray Harper Event Maker, shares a DIY project even Bambino can do, I mean if I was someone who let Bambino wield a needle and do various odd jobs around the house for us. Which I don’t… do. WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALL IN MY FACE ABOUT IT?! Bambino is not our indentured servant. Stop it, stop. Stop that. No more questions about Bambino making our dinner every night and doing our laundry. HAHA WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LAUNDRY? HAHAH we don’t force Bambino to fold our laundry and dust on top of the cupboards. If you think that you’re silly! That would be so silly and impossible; dogs can’t fold laundry HAHAH you’re so silly for asking that. BAMBINO IS HAPPY HERE STOP STIRRING THE POT.
Ok so Shark Week is fully engaged within the Knotty Homestead, and I’m doing my best to put off the soon-to-be-necessary Advil, like I do every month. If I can’t take cramps, there’s no chance for me doing anything productive in that delivery room a couple of years from now, amirite? I don’t have a good transitional phrase for connecting that last topic with this very similar approaching topic, so let’s just pretend like I did and move on. To everyone planning your marriage, and to everyone else to whom this post might be relevant… do you ever dream (while sleeping, not talking about the daydreamers) about what comes after you get married? Like, about when you’re going to start a family, and what pregnancy will be like for you?
We’re not pregnant yet. Just thought I should make that abundantly clear, from the get-go. In fact we’re not yet trying. We’re probably still feeling a little too selfish to change our lives so drastically, even though we both are very excited about what the future holds, baby-style. It’ll probably be another couple of years before That Big Insanely Wonderful But Also Insanely Insane Life Change, assuming there are no
accidents pleasant surprises. For now, I delight in hearing from my friends about their pregnancies, and their babies. Hearing about and rejoicing in other’s brand new additions is enough for me right now. Especially since that’s about seventeen hundred people in my life right now.
Ok so here’s the deal: last night I dreamt that I was four months pregnant (my dreams are often wild and outlandish but they know enough to be restrained by the political correctness of not going public until we’ve finished off that first trimester). In this dream, I just sort of pregnantly walked around a lot, with friends and with family, and *felt* being pregnant, like crazy. I was furiously aware of it, and most of the dream was me saying to myself, “ok, this was meant to be, right? Yeah it wasn’t planned, but you’ve got a baby inside you, this is a great thing. You and Honey have got a little one who’s going to change the world if s/he sets his/her mind to it and doesn’t experiment with drugs *too early* and isn’t too pretty, too early which is a whole other can of worms. Unplanned is probably how you and Honey will want it to happen anyway! So why not now. Right now is perfect. And in the end, isn’t it wonderful that you and Honey will ultimately have a special someone to caress your hair when you’re old and frail and on your death bed?” (I talk a lot in my dreams. To myself. Also this is the first time I ever referenced the realness of death in a dream, and I’m sure my mind can’t handle any image other than that of Honey and me passing at the exact same time.) ← MORBID! sorries.
So anyway, was the dream scary? Yes, it was scary. Mainly due to the not pregnant when I went to bed / very pregnant in-a-flash factor. Was it weird? Yes, it was weird. I’ve never been pregnant, personally, but what I can tell you is that just dreaming of being in that state felt *weird*, plus I hear from what seems to be every. single. friend. in. the. wedding. industry – who all decided to get pregnant recently at the exact same time which freaks the shinsplints outta me – that it’s a *pretty weird* feeling. But you want to hear the part of the dream that made me super upset?
The furious and incessant constipation.
My inner self has revealed to me it’s belief that a pregnant belly feels exactly like the feeling you get when you drink a milkshake too fast, and then you drink your brother’s and your sister’s milkshakes, and then you order another milkshake, because why not. And then you order two milkshakes to take home, shake ‘em up, and it brings all the boys to your yard. And you freaking fill up that yard with milkshakes and just y’know start drinking the s**t out of them.
And then you NEVER GET TO POOP OUT THOSE MILKSHAKES FOR NINE MONTHS.
This can’t be what pregnancy feels like. Right. No seriously I’m asking. Because it just can’t. Because it’s going to be hard to get me on board with that. I mean I’ll do it, but I’m not going to be pleasant about it and I’m going to want a lot of foot rubs. You might remember, a while back I was going through a watch-every-documentary-Netflix-will-livestream-to-you-before-you-cancel-your-Netflix-membership-because-they-hiked-prices phase, and I consumed every pregnancy and birthing documentary known to man, to prepare or whatever it was that drove that. Hunger for knowledge? Maybe an undiscovered fetish for stabbing my brain with blunt, rusted truth needles.
I should have never watched those documentaries. But right when I announced on Twitter that I was going to permanently refrain from learning the negatives of child-birth so that I’d actually look forward to doing it one day, SO MANY PEOPLE SHARED WITH ME THEIR HORROR STORIES OF BIRTH CANAL PAIN! So this is me trying to help someone else in my position:
Do me a favor, don’t watch those documentaries, ok? I’m trying to help you. Because Spoiler Alert: they show you the stuff you don’t really want to know until you’re THERE, IN IT, KNOWING IT HARDER THAN ANYONE HAS EVER KNOWN ANYTHING.
But so yeah, I wonder if the constipation factor is a real factor…? Because that’s sort of a deal breaker for me. Actually you know what, on second thought, don’t. Don’t tell me if it is. I don’t wanna know. I would just really appreciate a glass of Kool-Aid to be honest. I’m done drinking the Gruesome-Reality-Aid and I’m ready for a sip of the Kool-Aid on the childbirth thing. I want to hear that it’s going to be sunshine and lollipops and rainbows and everything.
IN CONCLUSION… it’s quite possible that all of this harkens back to a little thing about me… whiiiiiiiiich is best explained via the lyrics of (I know…) a John Mayer song (I said I know):
So scared of getting older, I’m only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun.
Don’t know how else to say it,
don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away From fighting life out on my own.
OKIE DOKIE! LET’S GET TO THIS DIY PROJECT, SHALL WE?
We shall. Because I love it. And because things just got super heavy and I’m shutting it down. And I need to stop talking about pregnancy because this is a wedding blog and what the F Word am I doing talking about having a baby on it. I honestly have NFI how things got so out of hand up there. But mostly because this project is awesome.
Andrea Gray Harper of Gray Harper Event Maker is that special kind of event designer who is super creative, but also super conscious of what’s cool and pretty, and what isn’t. Love that. So I love that she’s gracing us with another fine post today! And you guys, this project is so simple even a caveman could do it. Seriously, you don’t even need instructions for this one. In fact we’re keeping it to instructional photos only, so as not to insult your intelligence. :)
Bonus: it looks positively gorgeous paired with simple neutral decor, which is one of my favorite types of decor! I’m trying not to go bonkers over this, because in the questions below I do ask if you guys like garland in general and I don’t want the person(s) out there who detests all garlands to feel unsure about keeping it real in the comments.
So my friends, I haz a couple of zee questions for you…
1) All that stuff about my pregnancy dream. W. T. F.
2) What do you think of Andrea’s DIY cork garland? And what do you think of garlands in weddings, in general? It’s pretty intense trend. Love? Don’t love? Feel completely emotionless about? Want to kill all garland-like-things? I’ll take anything.
xoxo! - Alison
FINAL NOTE: Congratulations to my favoritest partner in crime, the lovely Lena of La Petite Coquin on your FREAKING ENGAAAAAGEMEEEENNNNT!!!!!!!! I’m doing an exhilarated series of high kicks for you over this news! Holllaaaaa!!!!!!!