Hey guys it’s me.
Not Ryan Gosling; Alison. Sometimes I write posts that are so outlandishly outlandish, that the only thing I feel can pull it together, give it at least the facade of relevance and legitimacy… is Ryan’s punim. I think it’s doing a great job of it. A really great, sexy job.
Now about the title. It’s like a weird amount of words, right? Sorry; things get that way sometimes, and I just don’t like to fight it. Anyway, nice to see your gorgeous/handsome/adorable-in-a-completely-nonsexual-way-if-you’re-under-18 faces again, on this Wednesday evening. Uh-huh, yup, this is me posting super late in the eveningtime. If I may be so bold.
Quick note before we start: if you follow me on Twitter, you may know that I tweeted, “Reeeeeaaaaaallllly peppering in those cuss words today in this blog post draft. Gonna reel it the f**k in.” a bit earlier today. Well, I mentioned this not to show you h0w utterly hilarious I am, even though it does, show you that. But no, I showed you because a lovely young woman named Alaina responded with “my preacher told me never to trust people who don’t cuss! True story! So keep it up!” Sooo, to me, that’s akin to being handed the ceremonial oversized key to the city – of cuss words, Cuss Word City – kind of deal. Let her statement be with you as you read this post. …. Please? Please have it with you?
…. Or you can go watch a show called “I Hate My Teenage Daughter.” It’s totes your call. Because that’s a real show. Yes, it’s on Fox. (There’s also “When Brides Attack.” No, not really. But watch, it’s coming.)
Ok, SO! You know what’s weird: when I start to write ‘Wednesday’ like I did up there in my greeting, I always have to sound it out if I want a shot at spelling it right, and the extra serious pronunciation always bleeds over into the next word so I just said out loud, “Wed nezz day eve vuhh ning kuh.” This is one of the reasons I love blogging without company present. Freedom to let my brain talk to itself out loud, since it has every intention of doing it anyway, 24/7. That, and the karate chop dance breaks. And the Cosby Show marathons. And the weird pairing together of foods not normally paired together habit, I have. And for the occasional “I’ll just shower tomorrow” reason (a favorite). And the freedom to go to the bathroom in every way that a bathroom is meant to be used. Yeah, that reason, the one you’re thinking.
The ripping off your clothes because all of a sudden they’re working against your body’s ability to breathe and then lying naked in the fetal position on the cold tile floor, after an experimental night out at the always 50% off sushi place has gone every kind of wrong that discount sushi could – and likely would since c’mon it’s discounted – go.
By the way during the karate chop dance breaks, Bam likes to dance alongside me with his tennie in his mouth (that’s tennis ball, cutinized). I can’t get shots of him while we’re dancing because, I’m dancing, but check him out just relaxing with his tennie:
Ok so, as evidenced above, the absence of other human beings in the workplace makes for a more liberal room, and increased comfort to, as the kids say, act a fool. It’s always weirder when I do any of these things in situations where other mammals are nearby/within earshot. Abruptly shouting “Motherf***er!” indirectly in a crowded BCBG/Max Azria because they just told me their weirdly fascist return policy (which, lemme guess, is the result of years of broke dirty club-goers dancing in, secreting on and then returning their BCBG/Max Azria clothing) just doesn’t get the same reception it does when I’m saying it to my computer screen wearing my Forever21 polka dot sleep shorts and Honey’s personalized sleep t-shirt that says “I’m Beary Cool!” across the chest with a bear to hammer it home, which he got from that Bar Mitvah around- what, around age 13? I wanna say? I have reason to believe it was around age 13.
I just played to an extremely small crowd with that joke. We’ll see if it was worth it.
Oh by the way, that BCBG/Max Azria thing happened. I come correct with my stories, you know that. But I’ll add that I have rarely, in my life, gone so far as to shout an obscenity into thin air, especially with my Mom present, as was the case. So you should know that I do so sparingly. Even though you guys are totally to blame for encouraging me. I want the internets to know that. What does that say about you? Eh? Other than that you’re probably very intelligent and beautiful. [← SAVE! What a save.] But so yeah, I feel at peace with the whole incident because my Mom, a kind, considerate woman immediate-reaction-laughed all the way out of the store, which I equate to a pat on the back, job well done, naturally. I’m telling you, if you had heard that return policy – which is, by definition, made up entirely of bananas – you would have been just as shocked. Maybe you wouldn’t have burped out “Motherf***er!” but you would have at least mumbled it under your breath. Or just not bought the item. Unlike me, who bought the item, and now have a ruffly, sheer, slim-fitting black tunic that hits *just below m’buttocks place* and BCBG/Max Azria has $100 of my dollars.
In conclusion, Mom’s since shared the story with friends. See, look at that, my Mom supports me. Thanks, Mom, you are the best. It’s because of you that I feel free enough to use abhorrent language, but it’s also because of you and your across-the-board lack of using it yourself that I employ it sparingly, and only where it best applies.
Like in reaction to return policies.
This is a good time to say hello and welcome to any new readers we have today. Welcome to TKB – hugs, here’s a hug. To fill you in, I blog wedding inspiration, wedding fashion, share stories about life, willingly and with a teaspoon of self-proclaimed omniscience, arrogantly dole out advice to personal questions submitted by readers (like you, readers like you!), all while delicately peppering in what the kids are saying these days. Spoiler Alert: what the kids are saying these says are horrible, horrible things. Horribly offensive, inappropriate things. But I use asterisks in place of some letters in the words so your baby on your lap can read along with you and not get like so totally corrupted that it chooses a life of crime. Juuuust corrupted enough so that when someone flings unsolicited, mean-spirited and rudely judgmental things at him or her one day when s/he’s a bit older, in that awkward place where she’s ‘not a girl, not yet a woman’ she’ll be prepared with the knowledge that rude idiots cower when confronted with scary words. Wait a second… I think- yep, we’ve arrived safely at You’re Welcome, just now. I knew this blog post was worth it. It was for the kids. It’s always been about the kids.
And then what I do is I throw in back-to-back funny-because-it’s-true VS. wedding-film-tear-jerker videos at this lull in the storyline, because I like making you guys laugh and then punching you in the gut with raw, emotional life stuff. All in the name of fun. That’s pretty much all you need to know for me to start this BLOG POST ALREADY OMG JEEZUS CHRISTMASTIME IN THE CITY!
THE FUNNY THAT MADE ME LOL, IRL
If you’re not at work, great. But if you are at work, make sure you have a cool boss or make sure s/he’s gone to the bathroom and the bathroom is like, waaaay way down the hall, and s/he’s a perfectionist which means she takes a while to wipe. Because this is a little risque. Though not really. Anyway just watch this now, and then tell me if you identify as strongly as Honey and I do. This applies both to cats, and dogs, equally…
THE TEAR-JERKER WEDDING FILM I’M USING TO PUNCH THE LAUGHTER OUT OF YOU. heheh. NO BUT SERIOUSLY IT’S WORTH IT
Now, my friends, my darlings, my lovers. Regardless of whether or not you were able to watch the above, I’ve gotta have you watch the below. Their story made tears push-off of my eyeballs as if competing in an Olympic Trial heat. They are flying out of my sockets like line drives, akin to a hard rain on a windy day. Maybe I’m just weirdly emo today, but I think this is a legit reaction to the letter, and her mother situation, and just all of it. So, are you feeling in the mood for a bit of a happy tearjerker? If not, leave. Go. Go now. Before I start. Hurry up I’m starting now! (Though I mean, you’ve stuck it out this far, what’s a few heartfelt tears in response to the beauty of a man in love with a woman?)
Love that film. It’s by Debs and Jamie of Super Mega Action Plus, and Debs and Jamie = the raddest radishes on the grocery shelf, by the way.
What? I just called people rad radishes? Time to wave bye-bye now.
To close this post up right, I’ma share what what Debs shared with me about their wedding, and the experience:
We’ve written a wee (Scottish!) thing about our most recent wedding film for ya. We think that Andy and Tintin telling their story in the film tells it better than we can in writing, but here’s a bit of background…
Andy is from Scotland, and Tintin is from Sweden; they currently live in London, where Andy proposed and together they wanted to create a beautiful and unique wedding that celebrated the traditions of both Scotland and Sweden.
Scotland was the chosen setting and to seal the Scottishness of the event, it took place in the birthplace of Scotland’s favourite son, poet and lyricist Robert Burns, and the inspiration of one of his most famous poems, Tam O’ Shanter. We pretty much had the tiny village of Alloway to ourselves, the bride getting ready in a stunning cottage just opposite the church and the reception venue, which itself overlooked the River Doon and the famous Brig O’Doon bridge that inspired Burns’ epic poem.
The bride being accompanied by a piper from the cottage to the church was a high point (among high points), they literally stopped traffic!
A notable twist to the traditional Scottish wedding were the Swedish customs of many speeches, toasts and even a Swedish drinking song, all peppered throughout the dinner.
The night ended with the classic Auld Lang Syne (another of Robert Burns’ creations) dance circles and general throwing around of the bride and groom.
We summed it up like so…
Such generous hosts and all round wonderful people, Andy and Tintin (aka Anna) bring with them this lovely uplifting feeling as their excited, warm hearts grab you up and take you on a happy adventure.
In authentically Scottish Alloway, the River Doon was dancing, the Swedish were singing and even the sun had it’s wedding hat on.
Vodka, fudge, haggis, drinking songs, speeches galore and a piper (named Billy!). Oh and we noticed that the swish of a kilt seems to loosen a man’s hips. ;) Skål!
Thanks, Debs! Oh how I LOVE that film.
Friends, it’s question time…
Today’s question: WTF is wrong with me.
Followup: Why do you encourage this. Are you laughing with me, or at me? You’d probably lie to save my feelings if it’s *at me* though, so why do I even bother asking.
xoxo! - Alison
P.S. – How lovely was that wedding film? And how sweet is their love, right? SO sweet, is an acceptable answer, but I’m open.