Prologue: Happy Tuesday evening aka Bachelor Recap Night. I trust my Bachelor-watching-readers have had the chance to watch the show? I know, I feel like a ridiculous following yet another season, too. It’s the nature of the beast; don’t be ashamed.
Like many of you, I thought this season started next week, so I was pleasantly dismayed to find the premiere episode in my tv listings last night. I pressed the record button, and proceeded to do anything other than watch The Bachelor with my time.
Fast forward several hours to when I watched The Bachelor. We begin.
“I AM BETTER NOW” MONTAGE
Still unattractive, Ben has returned to find love this season, and it’s clear he lucked out with Ashley rejecting him, because just look at this bevy of smart, low mainten– wait where did these whores come from.
Those are the– those women are the contestants? Oh. Well–oh. *worrisomely pulls at collar*
Accepting that ABC is not (no longer? was never?) casting for compatibility, let’s continue.
At the outset of the show, we see Ben’s purfactly executed rejection sequence from last season courtesy of Ashley, and then we find Ben, having filmed a sequence that shows him happy, happily doing wine-related things, and telling us the experience changed him as a person. Reality shows tend to do that to people. Ben says ”I never follow through in relationships.” Well that’s a good start. Let’s continue on with the show, which is clearly set up for romantic success, and not ratings.
We find out that Ben, deeply hurt by Ashley’s rejection, sadly retreated into the life of a rich person with a wealthy upbringing, and, trying to distract himself with anything he could find, dove headfirst into doing rich person things like building his winery with his best friends. We see Ben’s henleys are gone, replaced appropriately by neon orange everything, plaid farmer’s shirts and deep v’s. I have nothing to say on the matter. But this does make me miss Ames.
So, we’re ready to meet all the ladies who we are assuming are comfortable with moving to California since Ben is SO not going to move for anything/anyone.
Fast-forward to the lady bevy. By the way – “25 “incredible” women,” Chrisharrison?
WITH SO MUCH TO MOCK, ALISON’S TYPING FINGERS IGNITE WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND SUNS
Right off the bat, there are certain very apparent red flags that Ben should have picked up on. Which Ben didn’t pick up on. In no particular order, they were:
-a girl who sees tanning as a competitive sport and arrives with a full body complexion that’s akin to the racist Blackface performers of the vaudeville era, is going to be a handful, to put it lightly. The dirtier-looking the fake tan, the dirtier-being her emotional past.
-girls who make dumb jokes and walk away thinking “nailed it.”
-girls who go on The Bachelor to find love.
MEET THE VAGINA-HAVING CONTESTANTS
(I cannot bring myself to call them “women,” sorry.)
PLEASE NOTE, and this is important: THIS YEAR MY MISSION IS TO BE SO AGGRESSIVE – BE, EEE, AGGRESSIVE – AT THESE LADIES THAT THE MERE THOUGHT OF WHAT I MAY WRITE ABOUT THEM IN RECAPS WILL LAUNCH AN INVOLUNTARY FEAR REACTION, CAUSING ALL GIRLS TO AVOID TRYING OUT FOR THE SHOW IN THE FUTURE.
AS I WAS SAYING, OUT COMES…
1. Rachel, 27…
… fashion sales rep from NYC – well, not anymore; she quit her job for this. Red flag? Typically, but not when you’re sex on a stick. Also, she is stunning and too good for him in the face. Nice touch with the red dress, and mentioning that your middle name is Rose. Now he won’t forget to give you a rose, as was your plan. Though it might be less your middle name, and more because he remembered how he wants to give you some dick.
2. Erika, 23, law student, from Chitown - So, by Ashley Herbert standards, this girl’s name should be Erika, Esq. and her occupation Full Lawyer Status. I don’t understand why they’re not listing her as a lawyer when they let Ashley be a full-blown dentist even though she was a student, but anyway it doesn’t matter she’s not going to win. Mostly because she said “The verdict is in, and youuuu, are guilty….. (guilty of what, Erika) Guilty of being sexyyyAHHHAAHHAHAHHHA BUT YEAH NO, YOU DO, YOU LOOK VERY SEXY.” … is how she *recovered* from that joke fail. Anyway, after she said that I was left wondering… this ‘joke,’ repeated over and over in her mind from the time she found out she was going to be on The Bachelor, to this moment right now, where quite literally her feet hit the pavement, at no time did she find it worth premeditatedly striking this joke from the record? Or whatever jargon works there; I don’t go to law school. Also, don’t these girls know that the first rule of fight club is you don’t involve the less exciting/less hilarious aspects of your profession in early conversation with a potential suitor? – Shawntel.
3. Amber B. 23, Labor & Delivery Nurse from Port Coquitlam, Canada - ”My friends call me the baconator.”
Her friends don’t call her that.
High energy and confident for some reason? NOT ROSED.
4. Elyse, 24, personal trainer from Chitown – Elyse says she’s gonna make him sweat a little bit. Because she’s a personal trainer, no doubt. And THEY MUST BE FORCING THEM TO SAY THIS STUFF RIGHT?
5. Jenna, 27, (not really a) blogger from NYC – Jenna drinks wine very dramatically.
P.S. – walking into the mansion she said “oh god Jenna you RUINED IT.” So can someone call for a heli-rescue before the next episode? These are heli-rescue-level cries for help. Let’s not let it get to actual heli-rescue level by allowing her to stay and compete AND IT’S TOO LATE, THE PRODUCERS MADE BEN KEEP HER. Did I mention that she also said ”I should just die” when she got into the house? Can we at least remove all sharp objects from the vicinity? But heli-rescue is still my first choice.
…. and that’s all I’m going to say about Jenna. Because I’m not interested in being the nail in the nail gun for this girls suicide attempt.
6. Courtney, 28, model, Santa Monica, CA – Ben: ”that is aaaa PRETTY GURRRL.” THE PENIS HAS DECIDED THAT SHE WILL MAKE IT FAR.
7. Emily, 27, PhD Student, Chapel Hill - Epidemiology student. Studies disease. So she sanitized his hands (not weird at alllll), and freshened his breath (not at all weird either). P.S. – did you catch it? What she did there was another job-related joke fail for the group. To be honest I do love this girl; she’s real, and she went to my alma mater so she’s a keeper. Because I am biased, I will not be making any jokes about her. Or she doesn’t provide any material and I couldn’t think of anything good to say about her. It’s one of those.
8. Samantha, 26, advertising account manager - ”I’m more than just a pageant girl…” but I like to walk into rooms sash-first because it’s all I have to offer.
9. Casey S., 26, trading clerk, Leawood, Kansas - Nothing. To. Saaaaay.
You’ll remember we met Amber T., 29, a Critical Care Nurse from Waverly, NE in the field/her element earlier in the show. She kills things and then eats their balls. Amber is cute, and says things like “if everything works out, Ben will definitely be coming back to Nebraska for some deer steaks and beef nuts.”
Having aged 30 years, we see Amber arrive with too high hair and makeup that did 100% of the aging and - and we could have predicted this when Ben’s reaction to Chrisharrison’s description of her game-hunting profession was “shoots… large… animals… ok” - by the end of the night she has become the girl who gets rejected, cries, then turns away from the camera forgetting she’s wearing a mic (a classic rejected bachelorette move) and whispers, “what did I do wrong???” Sadly, she will be eating nuts without Ben tonight in her hotel room. But she’ll have to wait until she gets home to eat cow balls. #ohnoAlisondidn’t! #ohyesIdid
NEXT BATCH OF CONTESTANTS!
10. Holly, 34, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Kentucky - ”Kentucky is known for beautiful women and fast horses.” Also, like Ben said, bourbon, but you didn’t know that because you are dumb. SENT HOME.
11. Jamie, 25, registered nurse, Dryden, NY - Aka, Ms. Rough Life. Also, the only super normal one there. CHEERING FOR HER THIS SEASON.
12. Shira, actress, LA… AGELESS? - Shira withheld her age. Which doesn’t seem fair. Or healthy. She must be reeeaaalllly worth it to the casting crew.
Or not. SENT HOME.
13. Blakeley (should be called Blankly), 34, VIP cocktail waitress, Charlotte, NC - VIP waitress. That’s when the stripper works strictly in the champagne room… right?
By the way, quick question: assuming ABC does force them to deliver ridiculous job-related jokes; why doesn’t this apply to the VIP Waitress? I assume because you can’t make hooker jokes on network television?
14. Cheryl – old lady, for…
15. Brittney, 26-yr-old young lady (and granddaughter to Cheryl), medical sales rep from somewhere I forget – impactless on me.
But I do have a note on Brittney vis-a-vis THE BACONATOR, who had me go from hating her when she said – “smelled a lot like grandma”… when grandma arrived, to feeling resplendent with kinship upon her saying – ” you live and you learn, right? Next time, sash; hat; grandma.” I WANTED HER TO STAY, if for nothing more than her extreme wit and sarcasm contribution. #boo #hiss #nothappyBen
KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!!!!!
16. Nicki, dental hygienist, 26, Hurst, TX – with every girl, I had to pause the show to write down her info, and here was her expression when I paused:
I predicted *the eyes would have it* throughout the show, and I was right:
I mean until I was wrong. Since Oh Canaaadaaa, above, got booted. I actually miss her a lot already. Not the eyes. I do not miss those eyes. But the sarcasm. Where’s the witty snark going to come from now????!!!!
17. Dianna, 30, non-profit director, San Gabriel, CA - ANOTHER WHITE DRESS WEARER. No words, really. Just thought she was 13.
18. Jennifer, 18, accountant, Oklahoma City, OK – 1190 is the number of miles she traveled to be there; zero is the number of times she has been arrested; 54 is the number of dresses she tried on before picking the navy one; one is the number of times she’s been in love; 4 is the number of times I had to rewind what she was saying so I could write it down here to make a joke; 3 is the number of times I wished she would go inside already; 2 is the number of times I sighed audibly; 8 is the number of times I considered throwing the remote at the television screen; 80 is the number of times this specific joke will be thought of as a good idea when bloggers and writers watch the show.
More details: a ginger / accountant joke was made / it was lame / but I like her so we’ll see WAIT YOU TRIED ON 54 DRESSES????????!!!!!!!!!!
19. Lyndsie J, 29, Internet entrepreneur, Scottsdale, AZ - I have discovered the first known case where the All Brits Are Hot rule does not apply. I thought it was nearly failsafe. I think if she wasn’t just, like, 1000000% dork 1000000% of the time, like she could dial it back a wee bit sometimes, then I wouldn’t be so anti-Lyndsie. Because I get it; I have a slightly longer shaped head than the next girl, so it’s not her face (the reason most people might mock her). It really is just her incessant dorkismo. It’s like she’s dorking it up FTW.
20. Anna, 25, student, Detroit, MI -
Anna does something aamaaaaaazing ohmygod so amaaazzing in that she… walks by him, without words? ….. So what? Ben: “that’s a bold move.” ”gotta be some kind of first.” Here, I know that everyone’s instinct was “B!TCH” when they saw her so I chose to be pro-Anna and give her her due credit. She decided to let that hair and makeup speak for themselves. When you have no speaking capabilities, I guess, is what’s going on here. Doesn’t matter because HE BOOTED HER??????? This face:
…. booted. By a dude. Dudes don’t boot faces like this, throughout history. And it’s not like he changed his mind the moment she SPOKE! Because she didn’t speak. What. The F.
By the way, guess what? I didn’t add any filters or adjust the brightness or anything with that image above (well aside from blow it up with verbiage). That’s how en fuego she is. Well, with makeup caking.
21. Monica, 33, dental consultant, SLC, UT – Monica said this upon meeting Ben: “Hi, I’m Monica. I have a confession. I… uhhh… I
am bisexual no no no too soon miss my dog more than anything.”
22. Jaclyn, 27, advertising acct mgr, Newton, MA – Her Title = the first girl to receive a hug attack from Ben because of his fear that she might try to go in for the kiss. Something he clearly didn’t want. BUT GOT A ROSE??
GETTING WORSE– I MEAN, MORE LADIES ARRIVE!!!!
23. Shawn, 28, financial advisor, Phoenix, AZ – bad dress bad hair seems nice WENT HOME.
(Sorry I’m getting a little exhausted; 25 ladies and a grandma is a lot of ridicule to hurl.)
24. Kacie B., 24, administrative Asst., Clarksville, TN - Nice short sparkly dress. That’s kind of… it. Actually, there’s this:
25. Lindzie C., 27, biz development mgr, Seattle, WA – “I’m from Seattle, 26 years old” wait whuuuut? That’s not what your thing said. Whatever anyway, she won the first impression rose because of this:
That’s what crazy looks like when it’s on a horse. By the way I wanted to nickname her “beautiful girl with an unfortunate excitement response” but that’s too long to keep up.
“Ohh that’s crazy! Hell of an entrance.” – Ben’s remarks. See, he said something like that with Anna, who got booted. So it is abundantly clear that his words mean nothing. In true The Bachelor form. ABC execs: “WE CAN REBUILD HIM.” And rebuild him, they did. Into an even worse version than what we got last year.
By the way, ROSE CEREMONY HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Ben: “Monica.”
Jenna’s mind: “OH SHIT”
2. Jenna was hiding in plain sight before she joined the other girls for the ceremony. The bathroom time *did not help* matters, with regard to her face and hair.
3. Ben likes needy, baggage-laden girls with lots of bag-bag-baggity-baggage in their baggage. The higher the checked-luggage bill, the more in love Ben is.
4. Anna went home?
5. Jenna didn’t go home?
6. Where is Bentley? I don’t understand, I just- I think I need to see him, one more time, just to completely get over him. The way he left– I just– *sobs* I think, I think I NEED THAT. For closure. Where is Bentley, Chrisharrison? Where are you hiding him?***
***The part of Ashley Herbert was played by Alison in tonight’s performance.
Ok, whew. That was like A LOT. Now it’s your turn to give me something to read… maybe? Please? :) I’m sick of my own voice. So, how terrible/dramatic was that premiere? Or what were your favorite/least enjoyed moments from the show? Anything stand out in general? Please share your thoughts, ’cause I die to hear your feedback on this otherwise it feels like I’m talking to myself. And I already talk to myself enough of the day. This would make it reach 100%, aka clinically insane.
xoxo! - Alison
Other recaps from this season:
Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps