REAL LIFE ISSUES | “When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law” By Miss S… The First Bloggista of Our In-Law Series!

Alison here.  Pretttttyyy pretty stoked about introducing this new series you’re about to experience, and to see it all coming together is nothing short of a dream come true.  I hear EVERY DAY from brides with in-law questions and issues, and this series was an inevitability.  

Now, I think we all know that there are lovely, kind, wonderful in-laws out there, as well as go-with-the-flow in-laws, and not-very-involved in-laws…. clearly, since in-laws are people, naturally they come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities.  And many make a bride’s transition from girlfriend to wife easy breezy beautiful – even delightful in many cases! – and for these types of in-laws we are beyond grateful.  They disprove the reigning stigma.  Trust me, great in-laws do exist!  

Unfortunately, they don’t exist in all cases.  Even more, they are hardly the exception to the rule.  

Now, without further adieu, I introduce you to Miss S, and her story…

Who am I?

I’m a hard working, chocolate-loving gal who met the love of her life in grad school. I never was the type of girl who daydreamed about her wedding – BUT I saw enough TV shows and heard enough stories to fear having a mean, evil mother-in-law. I promised myself at an early age that I would never, ever let myself marry a guy who had an evil mom…

Fast forward 15 years and here I am with, who I believe to be, the most manipulative mother-in-law on earth.  So much for sticking to my promises.

The problem is I didn’t realize how evil she was until after I got engaged.  I was happily engaged for exactly 7 days before my world crashed around me in ways I had never thought possible.

My mission is to share my story with the hope of helping my fellow ladies out there who are experiencing similar problems. It can be a depressing and heartbreaking time, but remember you are not alone and you can get through this. If I did, so can you!

And a little more about me - Things I love: chocolate, cabernet sauvignon, salsa dancing, eating good food with good company, traveling with my fiancé, the color whiteThings I hate: Obviously, Mean In-Laws

When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law

I used to describe my future mother-in-law as “controlling” and “overbearing.”  Then my fiancé and I met with a therapist who made me realize that she was more than that – she was a manipulator.  And thus, what I call a Manipulator-in-Law (“MIL”).

The art of manipulation is mysterious to those more simple-minded folks like me who would never even dream about purposely hurting others for selfish goals.  However, dealing with my MIL has helped me see what manipulation looks like in real life and how to wrangle yourself out of it, no matter how painful that process might be. A MIL not only makes you feel personally miserable, but can also ruin the relationship you have with your significant other. Trust me when I say it is important for the survival of your relationship and marriage to deal with the MIL before it is too late.

So you may ask, what does a Manipulator-in-law look like?

A MIL can take many different forms. Mine used the following two methods to manipulate my fiancé (1) money and (2) threats to hate me if my fiancé didn’t do as my MIL insisted. The most telling example of her manipulation is the story of my engagement ring. My fiancé used the money he had saved up throughout the years and sold some of his stock investments to buy me a beautiful engagement ring.  He spent months and months looking for the perfect rock for me.  Because his bank statements were being sent to my MIL’s home, my MIL found out how much he had spent on my rock… and was absolutely furious at how much he had spent. It is true that he spent way more than the typical rule of spending two or three-months of your annual salary because he based it on his future salary, not his current. Regardless, the point is that my fiancé spent his own money, not his parents so it shouldn’t matter.  However, my MIL insisted that the money in my fiancé’s bank account and stock investments were NOT his money for reasons that require an entirely separate blog post on how they used finances to control him.  My MIL told my fiancé that she would hate me more and more every time she saw me with that ring. Quite strange that she would hate ME, even though it was my fiancé who picked out the ring, but my MIL knew that my fiancé wanted her to like me so this was her way to manipulate him. She also threatened to not approve the engagement if my fiancé proposed with that ring.

My MIL told my fiancé that the only way she would approve the engagement would be under the following conditions: (1) my fiancé buys a SECOND less expensive ring at a price that my MIL sets, (2) my fiancé proposes to me with this second less expensive ring and (3) my fiancé hands over the FIRST nicer ring to my MIL.  My MIL said she would put the first nicer ring in a safe deposit box until she decided that my fiancé was making enough money to afford that ring, and at such time she would return the ring to my fiancé.  Crazy huh? Her plan especially makes no sense considering that the main reason she got mad in the first place was because my fiancé had spent a lot of money on the first ring! If she didn’t like how much money he spent, why in the world would she make my fiancé spend even MORE money to buy a second ring?  It doesn’t make any sense. My analysis is that it was more than about the money – she wanted to be in control of the entire proposal, and she could not stand the thought of my fiancé giving me such a nice ring and giving so much love to another woman. I joke that my fiancé is probably the only guy who had to buy two engagement rings to propose to one girl.

As crazy at this all sounds, my fiancé, a victim of her manipulation throughout the years, yielded to her demands in an effort to make sure she approved our engagement and continued to like me.  But he went along with the plan with an important twist – my fiancé gave me the first ring and gave my MIL the second one.  He was able to pull this off by buying a second ring that was on the large side but of lesser quality (and thus able to fit into the budget my MIL had set).  I’m surprised my MIL hasn’t gotten the ring she received appraised yet.  I can’t wait to see her flip out when she finds out that her little plan didn’t work.

And here’s the worst part – after my fiancé proposed, we called our respective parents to share the happy news.  My MIL asks me on the phone, and I quote, “Do you like the ring? My son spent so much time looking for it.” It makes me sick to my stomach that she would ask that question to my face after trying to manipulate the whole situation behind my back.

Looking back, it really amazes me that both my fiancé and I did not realize how manipulative my MIL was until I talked to my therapist.  We never thought about using that word “manipulator” to even describe her; we always just described her as overbearing.  I guess we were naïve about the whole situation.

So ladies, ask yourself, is your MIL simply overbearing or, in fact, manipulating you and your significant other? Remember, the first step to winning this battle is to recognize that you are in fact being manipulated.  And there’s no shame in admitting that you have been the victim of manipulation.  It’s not your fault that your MIL is so crazy.

So I’d love to hear from you all.  Have you had less than positive experiences with your in-laws?  … what has been your experience?

Thanks everyone, it’s so nice to share my story with all of you!

xoxo  - Miss S

Label(s): Popular *New*, Real Life Issues, The Bloggistas

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346 comments

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  2. Felice on June 22, 2016

    My MIL stole a bag amd some books that my husbands grandmother gave me. She demanded that I give them to her and stated that the grandmother really ment to give them to her. Lol. She also forced my husband to get rid of all of my things I was storing in the garage. She went through them first and stole ridiculous items. My clothes, which she wears daily. My son’s foot prints, blankets, and outfit from the hospital ate gone and probably in her room. All of my sentiments, my son’s things, even some things I made for my daughter, gone.
    Even more horrible, my great grandma passed one piece of jewelry down to me, which my grandma kept safe for me after I lost it at her house. A few years ago, my grandma gave me the necklace, which was so special for me because I didn’t even know she had it all those years. (13, respectively ). The day I wore it to my MILs house, she kept eyeing it, I took it off before going to bed. In the middle of the night I woke up to her walking into my room and the next day it was gone. I don’t know how she found it in the dark. She eventually admitted to taking it to “keep it safe” but refuses to look for it or give it back. When my husband brings it up to her she gets livid and says the necklace he’s describing is a necklace her other son or her husbamd gave her. You do the math, she doesn’t even know who supposedly gave her this identical mystery necklace. I hate her.

    Reply
    • Sick of Her Too on December 27, 2016

      OMG I am so sorry to hear what a B that woman is to you. Call the police and get your stuff back, that is insane. My future MIL, I say future because unless she dies there is no way we are getting married because she is such a crazy person… But I digress… My fiancé just bought a home and on Christmas Day she declared that her and her husband would tell Me what they were going to do with our house and that I only may ask questions but have no say. She did not pay for the house but is taking right over and no one corrects her. She also told his family members that it should go to Her and that we should remain in the duplex we currently live in so She can have the house. She is crazy and I can’t even enjoy moving to our new home because she already claimed it as her own. The house I am in now, she came to that one the day after Thanksgiving to call me a loser, tell me it was Her house (again, my fiancé pays the mortgage) and told me to leave. She is bat**** crazy and I hate her.

      Reply
  3. Sickened DIL on July 21, 2016

    How about my husband receiving a text message like this after finding out my father who lives out of state is here: “I know we all have busy lives, i guess you don’t have time to return texts either. Evidently family day is not important so don’t worry consider it no more. You know our number and where we live”. And all of a sudden she wants family day (theirs) knowing my father is here visiting out of state and they live 20 min away

    Reply
  4. Stein on July 27, 2016

    If you mother in-law is a controlling , stubborn, bitch, my advice to anyone is, NEVER LIVE WITH THEM AT THE SAME HOUSE. The bitch will make you here bitch.

    Reply
  5. Same boat on July 27, 2016

    First of all…..I’m soooo sorry you have such a terrible MIL! Thank you for sharing your story. You don’t know how bad things are until you experience them yourself. My MIL was so upset she was not present at the proposal that she made her son feel guilty about it. For the record, she was invited to dinner (happened on my graduation dinner) however she chose to go away instead. Her choice plus it’s not about her.

    So shortly after the engagement, she threw us a party. I said no to that date because I was having dental surgery done two days before. But did she care? No! On top of that, she decided to cater the party with a funeral package. Haha. I guess if was a party for her to mourn the loss of her son to me.

    Two days after the party, I got a nasty email that I was cc’d in. She was complaining to her friend that I was no allowing her to plan and make suggestions. Which is not true, we haven’t even started planning plus it was her son that told her to stay out of the planning. She didn’t hit reply all. She entered my name which she denies she did. This pretty much started a war. All I wanted was some space away from her to thinking about why she would write bad things about me. She has boundary issues. I spoke to my friend who is a therapist say it’s pretty common. My evil MIL probably has separation issues and feels that I stole her baby. My fiancé has just realized that he is a victim of manipulation. I think I need to go see a therapist to work out these feelings I have towards my MIL. So to everyone out there with a crazy MIL, stay strong!!!!

    Reply
  6. EXHAUSTED on August 11, 2016

    My fiancé and I have been together for three years. The ENTIRE time she has been terrible to me, not to mention having abused her child most of his life physically and emotionally. Now we’ve been engaged for 2 months, we were planning to get married early the next year but plans have changed as he’s going to basic for active-duty army and we’ve moved up the date. She is not CONSTANTLY trying to tell him not marry me as well as treating me in a revolting way. God, there is so much more I could include but I would be sitting here for weeks typing. How do I deal with her(and her parents as well)?

    Reply
  7. Over It on August 12, 2016

    My fiancée and I have been together for two years and we live with his parents while we look for a house and the first year and a half were perfect and everything was fine and she was so nice and kind and treated me like part of the family but then his cousins were here from out of town and we had planned to go on a date and she threw the biggest fit in the world over it saying 100% of his time needed to be spent with his cousins. So whatever she got what she wanted we didn’t go on our date he went with his cousins. So his cousins leave back out of town and and my fiancée and I went to my moms house and his mom started texting him saying he was choosing us over her, that my and I yelled at her and told her off which never ever happened, and how my mom said he was her son like wtf!?? Over a period of 5 days whenever she wasn’t with him she would constantly bombard him with text terrivle texts saying he wasn’t her son anymore that she hated me and my mom that I wasn’t allowed in the house and on top of that she went and told all of her side of the family and our family friends that my mom and I told her off?? My mom fiancée and I are just baffled at her behavior. Keep in mind that those 5 days my mom and I didn’t talk to her AT ALL and I stayed at my moms house. She finally calmed down a little bit and we thought everything was going to get better and then she starts doing things like bribing him not to marry she offered to buy him a new car! I didn’t do a single thing wrong this whole time and I don’t know what to do about her telling her family members because I don’t want them to believe her. HELP

    Reply
  8. Alert on August 13, 2016

    My fiance is my first boyfriend and I am his eight. When he brought me home his mother was thrilled. Soon after he propose and even though my family and I didn’t want wedding reception since we know how much it would cost. His family keep insisted on it and eventually I gave up. The two of us paid for the whole thing ourselves. His sister came when we book the venue and decided on the catering! Luckily, my fiance agreed to change the catering as we wanted. I agreed to have the matrimony on their church which is ridiculously very far from where I live. At the technical meeting my fiance and his mom came one hour late. She insisted to come with him. During the talks about stove for the food stall I said I wouldn’t want a stove since it’s a ballroom with only one door to in and out. My fiance mother hit the table and shouted to me in front of everyone! Pointing out the fact I am scare of stove and no matter what she wanted a damn stove inside the ballroom!. I was stunned and angry inside. My fiance try to calm me. I was about to stand and leave yet I remember these people had come from far and sat waiting for them for an hour. Leaving in such situation will only be difficult for me. I stay until the meeting was over and sure she got the stove but on the wedding day. The catering staff in charge refused to have the stove for the same reason as mine. Hahahahaha. I try to avoid my in-laws. Only meeting them in several family occasions. For eighteen months of our engagement his family is the one and only reason we fight. So much so that I wanted to cancel the wedding, I didn’t because I am in love and very happy with the man I marry. I lived the wedding vows before we get married. For better or worse. The worse including horrible in-laws.

    Reply
  9. Lexi on August 13, 2016

    My MIL is a bat shit crazy woman. She stole my fiance’s truck by forging his signature, notarizing it herself (she is a notary), and then having her other notary friend notarize her own signature. She is constantly telling my fiance that he is a shitty son and that he never does what she wants him to and is just so awful. Every time that we go over there, so that my fiance can work on her house, she always wants to bring up our wedding and what SHE wants done. Every input that I give about what I want done, she shoots down as if it is her who is getting married. I am a full time student and my fiance is putting me through college. My first year of college, I made all of the payments on my own and I worked in order to be able to do so. It was the most stressful thing, so my fiance told me to stay home and he would help me so that I can focus on school. His mother, on he other hand, is so outraged that I quit my job and I haven’t tried to get a different one. I hear about how I need to get a job every single day from her. It is hard working full time while going to school full time. She just does not understand it. She is so controlling over every aspect of our lives. She wants us to live with her because she is so jealous that we get along with my fiance’s dad and we want to live with him. She is upset that my fiance has dinner with my family and that she isn’t invited (like why would you be invited?? You are too crazy) AND.. she even lied to my fiance that his grandma was sick and dying with stage 4 cancer in order for him to drop everything and go to his mom’s house. When he got there, his grandma was up and walking just fine and said that he didn’t need to go over because she just cut her leg and had to have the doctor clean the wound. What kind of a person lies about someone having cancer in order to get attention?? I sometimes wonder if it is even worth having such a permanent tie to a woman who is so awful. How could a man so amazing and sweet have come from a woman who is nothing but a liar, cheater, and thief? I will never understand how one person can have so much bitterness and hatred within their body. You best believe that my children will NEVER EVER EVER EVER be left alone with that INSANE woman they will have to unfortunately call… Grandma… :(

    Reply
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  11. suzana on August 25, 2016

    i need to vent and i really dont do it very often first off all im sorry for my ad english im from italy but i only finde this page to tell my story about my in laws im feeling down, i had a fight with my mother in law , beter to say she had a fight with me she can not stand me from
    the biginin when we change cuntry we lived all together she turned all the faM. against me and throw me and my husband out off home i was 21 after 1 year she said im sorry becaus i was pregnant and she wants to be part off the fam. but all this tim i saw anger in her eyes like but i got mature i had so much in my life going on i had missccarige she was not there she didnt evan call me to chek up on, so 1 week ago my sister in law own a restoran she calld me pls can you come help us i said yes but indont know what to do with my kid she was take her to mom i was like i think she made clear that she is not babysiting her she said inwill call her so she refused i was like i will bring the kid and help you sooo when i got there it was full of ppl so i just stard helping her and in one time i saw my mother in law said i will take the kid i really wanted to say no because you sead no hours ago so but i remain quite to not make her angry so when i finished i got my massag chekd she sand me 4 a massage telling me that i didnt want to talk to her that im this and that so i got te her home and asked her whay are you acting like that she start sceraming in fort of my kid and i told her i didnt see you so she opend the door and told me get out i was are u sure you did this one time im not going back anymore she said get out i got out and start crying my sisters in law calld me at told me that thay are sorry my hubby wich allways stayd quite was very upset, i dont know what to do im feeling sooo down and sad i need your advice ladis how to close this story and move on with my life she made me sufer a loot

    Reply
  12. Melvin on August 29, 2016

    I’ve been looking online for blogs about MIL’s because I’m at my wits end with mine. I too was naive before I got married thinking my MIL seemed a bit off but I truly had no idea how off she really was until I became pregnant with our first child. From that point on and 7 years later, it’s still going on and just last weekend I got a doozy of a surprise by her.
    She lost her diamond in her engagement ring, planning to replace it apparently decided that buying my exact wedding ring would suffice for her. Not a look alike but actually going to the same jeweler, and purchasing my actual ring. Then showed it to me at a birthday dinner they asked us to to celebrate my husband (her son) birthday. I said out loud “this is my ring!!” Everyone looked at me but no one said a word and she didn’t deny it..
    I felt like screaming and crying at the same time.
    My husband says its weird, but I need to let it go because it’s not a dangerous thing she did.

    Of course there is nothing I can do. I can keep a distance from her, and keep my children distanced as well. But other than that, what can I do?
    This was just the icing on the cake. Last fall I decided to keep away from her unless it was forced (like the birthday dinner) because she commented on my weight and physical appearance so much.. Asking me what my bra size was and saying I looked like a size A.
    She’s a nasty woman.

    Reply
  13. Transylvania on September 3, 2016

    Listening to everyone comments I feel much better. My husband and I got married 8/13/16 and since we got engaged things have been ackWARD. It’s where people are rude but more fake. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and dated in high school lost touch in 2002 and rekindled in 2010. I’ve always been close with his family with or without him. Once we got engaged it’s like I was treated like I was a nobody and they were always complaining to him about neglecting them. Every part of my wedding was an issue with them. On our wedding day I would say 6 out of his 9 immediate family members walked around with an attitude . Now his mom has complaining that since he been a husband he forgot how to be a son and brother. And he is treating her like a step mother. That was a slap in the face because I’m a stepmother and I’m very close with my daughter and love her. So why would she compare a step mother like that’s a bad role. I feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to approach the situation.

    Reply
    • Erin on December 25, 2016

      Call her out on it. My husband and I were friends for 10 years before we dated. He is Filipino and comes from a huge family. I always knew that his aunties were big on gossip but they never really gossip around me. Until now. I’m pregnant and my when my husband asked his mom what she wanted for Christmas she asked him to “just take care of the baby and make sure Erin isn’t drinking or smoking” he was like WTF? He totally blew up with the following questions: Where the f*** did that come from? ” and “whose saying that?” Needless to say he wasn’t even going to tell me bc it’s completely unfounded however a guy that works for him asked what we’re doing for Christmas and I said the usual he asked if everything was ok with them. He then told me about the conversation his staff was subjected to the other day as my husband could be heard yelling from the back of the building. That night I asked my husband if he’d talked to his mom lately about what she wanted for Christmas (there’s always something secific) and he reluctantly explained the conversation. I was pissed but didn’t make a big deal about it to him because he was clearly just as mad. This was the day before Christmas Eve. Needless to say the next day I talked with my parents about it and since I was raised not to gossip but to address the person directly, that is what I did. I didn’t want anything to get “lost in translation” so I texted her all the obvious things one would feel in a situation like this-politely of course bc I was raised to be respectful AT ALL times (military brat). I also asked that she please make contact with my husband before the evening get to gather with the family bc if we did go, he planed on confronting everyone as she encouraged him to do. I reminded her that that was not appropriate to do Infront of children-especially my children-and a great way to ruin our traditional get togethers. She did and I was polite when she and his brother (who also has no life and runs his mouth constantly) arrives. She even had THE NERVE to sit in the living room with me alone with my kids and have a 20 minute conversation which she never does.
      My parents said that I shouldn’t feel obligated to go and when my husband didn’t want to the kids were really upset so we went. I’m glad we did bc his family means so much to him and I didn’t want him to feel like he missued a tradition but I wish that woman knew that we weren’t there bc he wanted to be there. I was glad that I didn’t go there pretending like I wasn’t aware of the shit talk going on and I will not tolerate it quietly. No one should.

      Reply
      • Sarah on January 31, 2017

        So happy to hear I am not alone I have 3 kids w my husband though we have actually been together for only 3 years. We decided to give our relationship a try for our babies . We got married in spetember 2016. My mother in law since the first time I met her has been very manipulative. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and his mom and ex like to use his daughter against us and we can’t see her as much as we’d like to. We have court order visitation every other weekend but that has not been happening since his mom and ex like to team up on him. For the 3 years we have been together she likes to try to prove a point that I don’t like his daughter and that I am a gold digger. I tried and fought hard to keep all the kids together but 3 years later and my kids barely know their older sister. My husband has a great career makes decent money he asked me to quit my job because he wanted me to be a stay at home mom therefore to his mom I’m a gold digger. She has made nasty comments about my kids which are her grandkids by blood I of course put an end to that and let her know she’s overstepping her boundaries. That turned out to be a huge fight in her garage she told me I was an insecure b**** and I was fat (just had my son 2 months before this) she doesn’t know why her son is with me . And I could go on about that night but you get the point of how that ended up lol. She tells everyone that I don’t let her son see his family I’m the reason why he doesn’t go around. When he makes that choice himself because she’s just that crazy. She makes up lies about me tries to figure out how much her son makes so she can tell his ex how much we pay for our house so she can again tell his ex. I understand someone disliking someone but to try so hard to break apart your son’s family with the mother of his kids I never thought in a million years I’d meet someone this crazy but I guess I got lucky right. Every 6 months or so for 3 years she has texted my husband that I hate his daughter and I’m only with him for his money lol we just recieved that same text last night. She has gone so low and has done so much damage that we cut her off 2 years ago and she’s not allowed around my kids and has not met our son. She’s that crazy she talks so badly about my husband infront of his older daughter that I don’t ever want my kids to be around drama and toxic people . I try to shelter them from that. In the text message the pther night she told me I better enjoy her sons money while I can because his ex is going for the max child support they found out he passed his contractors test. Which they have gone to court and agreed on 300 dollars child support then when she found out everything with his career and how much he makes she went for the max . I get the pleasure of dealing with the mother in law and the crazy ex . They are just one heck of a team

        Reply
      • Sarah on January 31, 2017

        So happy to hear I am not alone I have 3 kids w my husband though we have actually been together for only 3 years. We decided to give our relationship a try for our babies . We got married in spetember 2016. My mother in law since the first time I met her has been very manipulative. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and his mom and ex like to use his daughter against us and we can’t see her as much as we’d like to. We have court order visitation every other weekend but that has not been happening since his mom and ex like to team up on him. For the 3 years we have been together she likes to try to prove a point that I don’t like his daughter and that I am a gold digger. I tried and fought hard to keep all the kids together but 3 years later and my kids barely know their older sister. My husband has a great career makes decent money he asked me to quit my job because he wanted me to be a stay at home mom therefore to his mom I’m a gold digger. She has made nasty comments about my kids which are her grandkids by blood I of course put an end to that and let her know she’s overstepping her boundaries. That turned out to be a huge fight in her garage she told me I was an insecure b**** and I was fat (just had my son 2 months before this) she doesn’t know why her son is with me . And I could go on about that night but you get the point of how that ended up lol. She tells everyone that I don’t let her son see his family I’m the reason why he doesn’t go around. When he makes that choice himself because she’s just that crazy. She makes up lies about me tries to figure out how much her son makes so she can tell his ex how much we pay for our house so she can again tell his ex. I understand someone disliking someone but to try so hard to break apart your son’s family with the mother of his kids I never thought in a million years I’d meet someone this crazy but I guess I got lucky right. Every 6 months or so for 3 years she has texted my husband that I hate his daughter and I’m only with him for his money lol we just recieved that same text last night. She has gone so low and has done so much damage that we cut her off 2 years ago and she’s not allowed around my kids and has not met our son. She’s that crazy she talks so badly about my husband infront of his older daughter that I don’t ever want my kids to be around drama and toxic people . I try to shelter them from that. In the text message the pther night she told me I better enjoy her sons money while I can because his ex is going for the max child support they found out he passed his contractors test. Which they have gone to court and agreed on 300 dollars child support then when she found out everything with his career and how much he makes she went for the max . I get the pleasure of dealing with the mother in law and the crazy ex . They are just one heck of a team

        Reply
  14. Kate on September 8, 2016

    Hey everyone! My husband and I have been together for over 3 years and married for almost 4 months now. I love his family and get on with everyone really well most of the time, but sometimes I get the feeling that his mum is trying to manipulate situations to get what she wants and it’s really starting to upset me. I’m 6 months pregnant and we’re expecting our daughter in December, and I don’t think the stress is good for me at all. I just really need to vent and get it all off my chest! The whole time my husband and I have been together she has been the only family member who has caused problems for us, before we moved in together he was still living at home with her and his two younger siblings and she practically treated his like a servant! His mum and dad have been divorced for over 2 years and when his dad moved out she relied on him to do everything she didn’t want to do, he was always doing the garden, washing her car, hoovering and tidying the house and was a constant baby sitter to his siblings, bearing in mind she only works a couple of days a week and both siblings were over 10 years old! I was so proud of him for stepping up and doing so much for his family, but he barely had any time for himself as he was holding down a job and doing college at the same time and I feel that his A Level results suffered because of it which just isn’t fair.

    Now a couple of years on we’re married and have moved in together, we live with my parents at the moment as they have a fairly big house and it will enable us to save up for a house of our own in a year or two. My parents love my husband and so far all living together is going really well and we have a lot of fun. One of the things that was upsetting me recently with my mother in law was the fact that every time I was at work and my husband was off she would ask him to come over and do all sorts of jobs for her (she was clearly missing having a servant around)! He works long hours all week and the odd day he has off I think he should be able to relax and have time to himself, but he’s just too nice to say no to his mum. It’s just ridiculous, she needs to understand that his loyalty is with his wife and unborn child not her! He doesn’t owe her anything and I’m not having him exhausted from never getting a break or any time to himself!

    The most recent problem has been my mother in laws attitude to my husband’s birthday plans, we’re planning on having a family meal with his mum and siblings, his dad and his dad’s partner and my mum and dad. Sounds nice enough right? Not according to her! When we told her our plans she was clearly pissed off at the idea as she can’t stand my father in law’s girlfriend and acted incredibly disinterested and bored about the whole thing, she couldn’t have been more unenthusiastic! I just think it’s pathetic, my husband and I aren’t going to have a several separate birthday meals with members of his family just because she’s jealous and bitter and can’t seem to see past her own selfishness for her son’s birthday!

    When our daughter is born we’re not going to have separate birthday parties for her just because my mother in law wants it her own way! She didn’t want us to invite my father in law’s girlfriend to our wedding either and couldn’t hide the fact she was pissed about her coming. She needs to stop being so self centered, it was her decision to have a divorce, she didn’t want her husband and now he’s moved on she can’t stand it. All I want is for her to try to be civil and put her own bitterness to one side for only a couple of hours, I don’t think that’s a lot to ask.

    Another thing that upset me was about a month or so ago when my husband and I went to go and stay with his mum and siblings for a couple of days. I was just about to have a shower in the morning when I weighed myself and my husband did the same, I’ve gained just over a stone so far during my pregnancy but I’ve always been slim and so has my husband. Anyway his mum called him for something and they must have got onto talking about his weight because what sounded like a huge argument broke out! I had to come out of the bathroom in my towel to see what was going on and she was giving my husband a huge lecture about him being underweight and way too thin, which is ridiculous! He’s definitely slim but he’s really healthy and always eats regularly. His sibling was even joining in too parroting the mum and they were just being plain rude and nasty! His mum kept saying “you’re definitely not eating right!” and then glaring at me, as if the meals I make for him are a pile of shit! When that was all over with and we’d gone home (thank god!) my husband seemed subdued and was talking to me saying he’d better try and gain some weight and work out more! All because of his mum being spiteful and nasty for no reason! I seriously hate the fact that he even listened to her horrible comments because I think he’s perfect how he is!

    She was terrible with our wedding too, always trying to get things her way as if it was her wedding not ours! She insisted coming with us for everything, planning the decorations, the food, the venue – you name it she had to be there sticking her nose in! The worst time was looking round a party and wedding decoration store where we bought a lot of our decorations and balloons. When we were there she had to have the final say on everything, anything I pointed out or said I liked she practically shit on it and made up excuses about why we shouldn’t pick them and I was just made to feel completely miserable! The final straw was when we were ordering the balloons with a very kind shop assistant when my mother in law literally tried to take over and have her name and address on the order instead of mine or my husbands! The shop assistant actually put her foot down and said that she would like the bride to sign for the order, bless her I was so grateful she stood up for me! Looking back on planning our wedding now I actually feel really sad thinking about how intrusive and controlling she was about it! Luckily it didn’t spoil my husband and I’s big day and it was easily the best day of my life! (No thanks to her!)

    To be honest I can get on my my mother in law really well and I’ve definitely come to like her but it’s just certain situations and her behaviour sometimes that makes me feel like she’s manipulative and controlling and I can’t trust her. For example my husband and I recently agreed to go on holiday with his mum and siblings fir a couple of weeks, it was pretty good all together but there were definitely several things I wasn’t happy with. The worst time was when we went out to dinner one night, my husband’s youngest sibling was taking a while to decide what to eat so we were just talking and my husband quickly checked his phone, his mum was starting to get pissy and she didn’t want to go and order by herself and demanded my husband accompanied her, before he even had a chance to reply she literally flew off the handle getting right in his face telling his what to do and practically screaming at him that she was going to confiscate his phone, that’s right she tried to take his phone off his when he’s a fully grown married man and soon to be father! I was absolutely taken aback, I’ve never seen someone act in such a rude and awful way, especially in a restaurant!

    I’m quite a laid back person and I’ve never argued with my mother in law, and I’ve only spoken to her politely if I have a problem but that doesn’t seem to cut it or solve anything. Things have changed now that we’re married and are expecting our daughter, I’m not prepared to take her bullshit anymore. I feel extremely lucky as my husband is always loyal to me and backs me up and supports me with everything, not just problems with him mum. I’m really losing my patience now and I’m not sure how to deal with her behaviour so any advice would be greatly appreciated! <3 xxx

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  15. Bec on September 24, 2016

    Thanks for sharing your experience! Helped me with knowing I’m not the only one in this situation. My situation just really sucks. I had issues with my own mother a while back so I moved into my boyfriends house (big mistake I think) and I did get close with everyone there. But as I did I kept finding things I didn’t like about his mother. The big thing though is she is constantly wanting me to just get married and “get knocked up” . I tink she is doing this because my boyfriends other 2 siblings are rushing in their relationships. One wants to get married after knowing her for 3 months. The other got pregnant at 4 months with her boyfriend and now they will get married at 6 months. So I guess we should be on this too (even though I have been with mine for 3 years) and she doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to do that. I’m not doing any of that while living in her basement. I want to do this when I’m on my own and in my late 20s. Well she said it again one day and I just smarted off to her about how I feel about her always saying it. Now there is tension and she feels like I am such a bitch for standing up for myself. My boyfriend sides with me but it is just never going to be the same. I just can’t wait to move out soon. Thanks again for letting me share my story and hearing yours

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  16. bea on September 26, 2016

    I am shocked that your SO went along with the ring thing. I am shocked you did also. I would have told the MIL to stick it. My MIL amd my SIL are a problem also. The MIL was upset we chose to get married in Vegas amd made snotty comments like Vegas is evil and what was she going to do there? she even threatened not to come so I promptly told her off. she almost ruined my shower by inviting people she wanted, neglecting to invite members of her own inlaw side (because she hates them) and filled up the guest list with her own invitees leaving barely any room for my side. My SIL demanded she be in the wedding party (we didnt want to have a wedding party) and then left for a month right before our wedding on a yoga retreat, helped with nothing missed the shower and told everyone she was my maid of honor. Then we had a baby. Let me tell you having a child makes things soooo much worse. My MIL has been a bitch since the day that baby came out. I had a hard birth and my own mom is in very bad health where she is bed ridden and dying. my MIL and SIL have not once helped me since I had my son. They have paraded over to my house when is convienient for them and complained relentlessly when they can’t come barging in whenever they feel like it. My SIL is more interested in her boyfriend alcohol and partying, but can sure complain to the rest of the family when she doesn’t get to see her nephew at the drop of a hat. She will say she is free to visit but any time I give her she is all of a sudden busy. my MIL yelled at me for giving my sons great grandmother a photo of him and not her, in a restaurant in front of the entire family…all the while.I had printed and framed the same photo for her for a Christmas gift. She constantly makes remarks about the number of times she has seen her grandson (who she refers to as her baby which makes me irate) However she is always going out now town for weeks to study some hairbrained hippie garbage in california. Kind of hard to see someone when you’re never here!! She acts like a spoiled child as does my SIL and both have temper tantrums if they don’t get what they want from my husband or in regard to my son. It’s at a point where is absolutely hate thesee people and do what I can to avoid seeing them. My biggest wish is to have inlaws I like and that treat me well. Unfortunately that didn’t happen.

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  17. Angel L. on November 27, 2016

    My MIL is so rude to me she always trying to break me and her son up. She’s always picking fights between us and always saying things like my son will always side with me because if he doesn’t he’ll lose or saying things like I have an attitude when I don’t just to get him to be mad at me it’s like I’m trying to give my all but she just doesn’t want it working. I cry almost every night because of constant battles and fights with him because of his mom she’s saying I broke her couch and toilet and we don’t even live with her i only used her bathroom twice but yet I’m blamed for breaking her toilet this lady finds each and every way to blame me all the time. Her son sticks up for her and won’t even take a stand for me. I’m to the point where he can have his ring back and pray for the next girl.

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  18. stomach in a knot on December 12, 2016

    I recently married the man I’ve been in a relationship with for 10 years. I’ve known and easily tolerated his mother for about as long. I quickly learned after meeting her that my now Mother-In-Law tends to dominate all conversations and brag, but it never got under my skin. This changed when I started planning our wedding to take place in our back yard. She was difficult to talk to as soon as we started planning our wedding, but I made substantial efforts to talk about our plans with her and make compromises between her vision and ours as needed. However, I am still furious over a “surprise” she gave us on the day of our wedding.

    For our wedding reception, my husband and I had been practicing a “first dance” with a tango instructor for months before. I bought a separate Tango dress just for the dance. The dance was to happen to recorded music after the toasts and before the live band.

    During our reception toasts, she pulled my husband and me aside and asked him about the piano keyboard she had asked for. She apparently failed to click “send” on an email she composed asking for the keyboard the day before our wedding. When we said we didn’t know what she was talking about, she burst into tears and said “that’s just what I thought” in a blaming tone.

    She ended up getting exactly what she wanted, because my husband scrambled to pull out a keyboard from the attic and connect it to the sound system outside. I had to stall the band we hired (which ended up wasting the money we paid for this portion of their time). My Mother-In-Law gave her “toast,” which was a 15-minute rendition of the song “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid. The song was about how she was so grateful that I was a part of their world, and she clearly put a lot of work into writing it. I gave her a hug after she was done she whispered in my ear “Aren’t you glad you got me that keyboard!”. Because this was a surprise forced upon us, we had to re-arrange the reception schedule. If we delayed the Swing band any longer, we could have lost over $1,500. of their time. So, we decided to not do our Tango with recorded music. Our first dance was an awkward looking three second dance to bouncy music, not nearly as romantic as the one we had planned.

    I feel like this was just another way that she took over the conversation, except in this case it was my wedding reception. My husband and I never got to do the dance we had worked so hard on, because the timing of the preceding events (ie. cake cutting so people could eat and leave). I wanted to tell my Mother-In-Law how much this hurt and upset me, but my husband advised me that due to his Mom’s depression, she would just cry and make everyone feel awful. I really don’t feel like this is a healthy response, but I don’t want to ruin my relationship with his family. I know she had good intentions, but I don’t like how she manipulates people around her to get her own way, and her own family members are afraid to do anything about it. I also know that she was recently excluded from a knitting group she belonged to for similar reasons. What should I do? I have been avoiding her calls, because I find her unbearable now. We are supposed to spend Christmas with my husband’s parents, but I really don’t want to be in the same room with his Mom.

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    • Andrea on March 21, 2017

      Oh my goodness! I am just reading this story now, I hope things have improved for you…o Lt I’m guessing they may not have. Hopefully this will make you feel somewhat better. Well I am 63 I am a grandmother and a mother in law….but guess what…I have been going through the same thing as you since I married my husband 22years ago. He is younger than me. His mother is 83 years old and dishing it out like there is no tomorrow ( tongue in check remark )….yep we had a home wedding, very quiet, just immediate family with one of my girlfriends and my fiances mate to be his best man simple nice. Well that’s what I thought till I overheard a pH convoy between my fiance and his mother, I pick up the pH in the other room the same time he did, I was going to put it down but started hearing all this stuff about if it was their wedding she would have wanted to invited everyone else is…her friends etc. I told my fiance that I had overheard that conversation, his reply was….oh you weren’t supposed to hear that. Everything went bad after that. The less I see of her the better. I have two children before I married her son, she has said she doesn’t recognise them as being part of the family because she doesn’t see them, they are older, have their own families and live in different parts of the country. She is constantly manipulating everyone with inheritance money, and said in front of my husband and our daughter she was 19 at the time If you leave my son you’ll not get a penny! I felt sorry for my husband because does she not think he is lovable enough without the money he will inherit. Our daughter was then of the opinion her parents were going to get divorced. She is a divide and conqour type person who shit stirs and doesn’t respect our boundaries or relationship. I don’t care about her money, have told her I don’t want it…not interested. I will leave you with this thought, I said to my husband, there is one thing she has taught me and that is not to be like her, I never will treat my family like that and do not place any opinion on them now that they are grown up unless they ask. No there is no middle road, if they have been toxic to you in the past they will keep on being toxic.

      Reply
  19. Candace B on December 29, 2016

    I am so glad to see I am not the only one with evil MIL issues.
    My husband and I got married 4 years ago, after dating for 8 years. It was second marriage for him and my first. Both of us are in our 50′s. He did not have a great childhood at first–parents got divorced, his biological mother didn’t want him and would put him in abusive foster care. His dad remarried when my hubby was 6 and got custody. Since he never really had a “mother figure” he assumed his stepmother was the norm. She came from money and had married money in her first marriage. My husbands dad was a school teacher. She made him change his religion to hers, and did a total transformation of his dad. She treated my husband as a intrusion, while doting on her daughter. My husband had no other reference points, so he assumed this was how all mom’s were. Berating their children, etc. He went to college but dropped out to join the army. He married a women in Germany and had 2 sons. They settled in OK and she ended up having an affair, so he divorced her. She did not want the sons, so he moved back to his hometown with 2 boys under the age of 10.
    He worked very hard to keep a roof over their head and raise them as best he could. His stepmother is always bringing up the fact that both boys are jerks, that he did a horrible job raising them, etc. He had a hard time with jobs–he went into a field that is very up and down. She loved to tell him how he is a failure, overweight, etc. She and her daughter had college degrees where my husband does not. So she brings that up as well, that he is not as good as they are.
    He recently got a great job and is making good money. She, of course, has to make jabs that she does not think he will hold this job and will get fired. She raised him to never talk back to her, so he sits and takes all her abuse, never standing up for himself. He is a good hearted, kind man. I have tried to stand up for him, but she then attacks me.
    I try to avoid her at all costs. We do see them on Easter and Thanksgiving. For Christmas, we would go down to see them–a 2 hour drive one way, then come back that night. She would be furious cause she wants full control over him and thinks we should stay the night=sleeping in a recliner because her daughter and husband have the spare bedroom.
    I refuse and she hates that. I think I am one of the few people that actually tell her no. My husbands current schedule makes it where he has to work on Christmas for the last 2 years. Last year we went down for a evening a few days before Christmas. This year we had plans on his days off. He went down to see them the other day-I had to work. She raked him over the coals for over an hour about how I hate them, I refuse to stay there, that I won;t take time off from work to stay down there, etc. The few times we have stayed overnight, she makes a big point of how she HAD to change the bed for us, that they eat at a certain time and are not going to wait around for us, etc. I keep it in for my husbands sake, but I so want to just blow up at her.
    My husband came home to tell me about how she was after him about me, complaining how I am, that I could take the time off from work to stay with them, then had the nerve to say I am a horrible dog mother and my dog-my baby boy-needs to be put down. How dare she say anything about my boy–he is so spoiled and loved. Something she is incapable of. My husband tries to tell me I need to try harder to please her. I say no, I should not have to try and get anyone to accept me. She will never accept him and he knows that, but still tries so hard to get her to do so. He will never ever please her. I really don’t care if she likes me or not. I am going to live my life and be happy. Life is too short.
    Maybe that is wrong of me to feel that way, but I don’t think anyone should be subjected to people like her. My husband has even said, that the only way he will be free of her crap, is when she dies. She is honery and mean so I have a feeling she will be around for quite awhile. She is approx 78 or so.

    I feel for my husband cause he is caught in the middle. But I told him he has to stand up and defend me-I am his wife. But he is so whipped by her and she knows it. She wants full control over everyone and she knows she can’t control me.

    Reply
  20. john on December 31, 2016

    mother in law issues are not the exclusive problem of brides.Men deal with it too but are reluctant to say anything for fear of being called weak,psychotic mil happen to us guys too,but unfortunately we have very few outlets to express our anger and feelings

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  21. Ally on January 9, 2017

    Have I a humdinger of a story for you guys. I have recently enlightened myself via research exactly what my mother in law is. She is a master manipulator. I don’t use the word master lightly. At first, I considered her to be overbearing and intrusive. I tried time and time again to convince my husband that she needs to mind her business, and leave us alone. I never had a term for it until now.

    I met my husband in 2002, and we dated for five years before we got engaged. She was. Dry welcoming to me until I received my ring. At that point, it all changed. I was in the family and I needed to take my place in line and be controlled by her. Ever heard the saying, “you can’t con a con man”? My stepdad taught me how the world works, and what kind of junk to look out for…so. Aturally my spidey senses kicked in, and I just played the passive card to keep the peace. Then we had kids.

    She offered to watch the kids for us so I could continue working. Phase 1 of her plan, check.

    She would keep their clothes I would send them to her house in, and send back the crappier clothes I left there for them to get dirty in if they go to he farm or outside. This caused problems when my oldest hit preschool, because a chunk (she was up to 10 outfits now) was at her house and not ours….mind you, by this point I was going back to school…so sometimes I would drop him off at school.

    She knew his drove me ape. I’d wait till they go on vacation every summer and I’d repossess all clothes. It was hilarious…she’d throw a fit to my husband and she’d never say a word to hers :)

    I’m currently a stay at home mom until all of our kids get into elementary..because of this,

    Next incident:

    This happens anytime we make a decision. We will tell her we are thinking about it, and then she will start calling my husband on his way home from work. She will manipulate him until he agrees with her, and he he comes home and we talk about it, Andy it causes an argument.

    Next incident:

    She cheated on her husband about 10!years ago. Ever since I decided to be a stay at home mom, she has kept her eye on me, waiting for me to do anything hat looks like cheating. She’ll drive past our house numerous times a day to make sure I’m home when I say I’m going to be home….she’ll call me two or three times when I make a trip to go grocery shopping…and sometimes she’ll have me pick up something for her just to make me deliver it. I have evidence of he drive bys on a nanny cam.

    I’ve tried to get my husband to see it, but he always gives the excuse that it’s just he way she is…that she only means well, etc etc.

    Anyways, its to the point now, where my husband is slowly waking up…and we have agreed to move about thirty minutes away, under the guise of my business. We need to move to a more popular area so it can grow…and we’ve not told her yet. I’ve been researching the best way to deal with his, because it’s going to explode. She’s going to be irate, and I want my husband to be prepared for her wrath.

    Say a prayer for us as we go down this road to gain our marital independance. If we don’t stop the intrusion, and I have hundreds more examples that would make you all face palm, I don’t know what else to do other than throw my ha do up in the air and walk out.

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    • Leanne on February 19, 2017

      For a start I wish you good luck on that and she sounds awful I have a problem with my fiancé’s mum I don’t know if she is manipulative or not and I don’t think she is as bad as any of these but last year I got pregnant with our first baby she was a surprise and she was controlling on getting lots of clothes and I didn’t even buy anything yet for the baby cause we wasn’t sure if we wanted to know the gender but she kept saying to my fiancé ‘oh yo need to find out cause it will be easier for and I want to know the gender of the baby’ she got upset when I said can you please stop buying clothes because of me not buying anything yet this is all before 12 weeks. she controlled everything and when it got closer to my due date she texted me 15 times a day to see if I was in labour obviously I wasn’t going to tell her since she will tell me what I can do which I just wanted to relax whilst having contractions. she also was trying to be in the room when I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl but I said that if she showed up she wont get in. since my baby was born she keeps buying stuff that we don’t need and I keep saying to my fiancé we don’t need it but he says she would get upset if we say something and it irritates me its gotten to the stage where I just put it in a bag and give it to a charity shop. Now she is has asked me what I was doing for my birthday ill be 22 missed my 21st cause of being pregnant and I said I don’t know bear in mind I didn’t know my friends booked something for me and she has gone and booked a holiday a day before my birthday and we are going to be there for a week and I don’t want to go because I feel uncomfortable with her looking after our baby as well but I would be doing what a mum does so I wont do much and my friends have booked a surprise for me because they knew I had a baby and respect my decision of what I want to do and my fiancé wont tell his mum that I don’t want to go, what shall I do cause I know she will manipulate me into going by making me feel guilty.

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  22. Mum-of-2 on March 6, 2017

    I have read these stories with great interest. I have had to deal with a number of situations like this over my 16 relationship and marriage. I would however like to offer an alternative framing of the problem. The issue is not with the mother-in-laws its with the partners. The real reason these crazy mother’s of grown up sons act this way is because they are allowed to by their sons. For Miss S if the ring money was his then it had nothing to do with her and he should have told her that and flatly refused to do anything other than give you the ring he wanted. That she got a ring is a victory only for her and that he made a concession to her is bad news for you because she was not put in her place in the way she should have been. It’s so easy to make excuses for men who allow their mothers to have this kind of influence in their lives long beyond it being appropriate. ‘He does like confrontation’, ‘she manipulates him’ etc etc. they offer so many excuses for it. Better to face it now than 16 years down the line when you have kids (imagine how much worse it will be when she has your offspring to play with too). My advice is walk away from what will be a toxic situation that will plague you all your married life before you have kids when its not so easy to do without breaking the hearts of the people you love most in the world.

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    • Andrea on March 21, 2017

      Oh so very true, what you say is absolutely correct. After all a mother in law would not have any room to manipulate anyone unless they were gutless. Its the years of tears shed by their mothers that brings them to cave in. Wives stand very little chance, I for one am not putting up with it any longer, my husband needs to man up big time!

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