REAL LIFE ISSUES | “When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law” By Miss S… The First Bloggista of Our In-Law Series!

Alison here.  Pretttttyyy pretty stoked about introducing this new series you’re about to experience, and to see it all coming together is nothing short of a dream come true.  I hear EVERY DAY from brides with in-law questions and issues, and this series was an inevitability.  

Now, I think we all know that there are lovely, kind, wonderful in-laws out there, as well as go-with-the-flow in-laws, and not-very-involved in-laws…. clearly, since in-laws are people, naturally they come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities.  And many make a bride’s transition from girlfriend to wife easy breezy beautiful – even delightful in many cases! – and for these types of in-laws we are beyond grateful.  They disprove the reigning stigma.  Trust me, great in-laws do exist!  

Unfortunately, they don’t exist in all cases.  Even more, they are hardly the exception to the rule.  

Now, without further adieu, I introduce you to Miss S, and her story…

Who am I?

I’m a hard working, chocolate-loving gal who met the love of her life in grad school. I never was the type of girl who daydreamed about her wedding – BUT I saw enough TV shows and heard enough stories to fear having a mean, evil mother-in-law. I promised myself at an early age that I would never, ever let myself marry a guy who had an evil mom…

Fast forward 15 years and here I am with, who I believe to be, the most manipulative mother-in-law on earth.  So much for sticking to my promises.

The problem is I didn’t realize how evil she was until after I got engaged.  I was happily engaged for exactly 7 days before my world crashed around me in ways I had never thought possible.

My mission is to share my story with the hope of helping my fellow ladies out there who are experiencing similar problems. It can be a depressing and heartbreaking time, but remember you are not alone and you can get through this. If I did, so can you!

And a little more about me - Things I love: chocolate, cabernet sauvignon, salsa dancing, eating good food with good company, traveling with my fiancé, the color whiteThings I hate: Obviously, Mean In-Laws

When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law

I used to describe my future mother-in-law as “controlling” and “overbearing.”  Then my fiancé and I met with a therapist who made me realize that she was more than that – she was a manipulator.  And thus, what I call a Manipulator-in-Law (“MIL”).

The art of manipulation is mysterious to those more simple-minded folks like me who would never even dream about purposely hurting others for selfish goals.  However, dealing with my MIL has helped me see what manipulation looks like in real life and how to wrangle yourself out of it, no matter how painful that process might be. A MIL not only makes you feel personally miserable, but can also ruin the relationship you have with your significant other. Trust me when I say it is important for the survival of your relationship and marriage to deal with the MIL before it is too late.

So you may ask, what does a Manipulator-in-law look like?

A MIL can take many different forms. Mine used the following two methods to manipulate my fiancé (1) money and (2) threats to hate me if my fiancé didn’t do as my MIL insisted. The most telling example of her manipulation is the story of my engagement ring. My fiancé used the money he had saved up throughout the years and sold some of his stock investments to buy me a beautiful engagement ring.  He spent months and months looking for the perfect rock for me.  Because his bank statements were being sent to my MIL’s home, my MIL found out how much he had spent on my rock… and was absolutely furious at how much he had spent. It is true that he spent way more than the typical rule of spending two or three-months of your annual salary because he based it on his future salary, not his current. Regardless, the point is that my fiancé spent his own money, not his parents so it shouldn’t matter.  However, my MIL insisted that the money in my fiancé’s bank account and stock investments were NOT his money for reasons that require an entirely separate blog post on how they used finances to control him.  My MIL told my fiancé that she would hate me more and more every time she saw me with that ring. Quite strange that she would hate ME, even though it was my fiancé who picked out the ring, but my MIL knew that my fiancé wanted her to like me so this was her way to manipulate him. She also threatened to not approve the engagement if my fiancé proposed with that ring.

My MIL told my fiancé that the only way she would approve the engagement would be under the following conditions: (1) my fiancé buys a SECOND less expensive ring at a price that my MIL sets, (2) my fiancé proposes to me with this second less expensive ring and (3) my fiancé hands over the FIRST nicer ring to my MIL.  My MIL said she would put the first nicer ring in a safe deposit box until she decided that my fiancé was making enough money to afford that ring, and at such time she would return the ring to my fiancé.  Crazy huh? Her plan especially makes no sense considering that the main reason she got mad in the first place was because my fiancé had spent a lot of money on the first ring! If she didn’t like how much money he spent, why in the world would she make my fiancé spend even MORE money to buy a second ring?  It doesn’t make any sense. My analysis is that it was more than about the money – she wanted to be in control of the entire proposal, and she could not stand the thought of my fiancé giving me such a nice ring and giving so much love to another woman. I joke that my fiancé is probably the only guy who had to buy two engagement rings to propose to one girl.

As crazy at this all sounds, my fiancé, a victim of her manipulation throughout the years, yielded to her demands in an effort to make sure she approved our engagement and continued to like me.  But he went along with the plan with an important twist – my fiancé gave me the first ring and gave my MIL the second one.  He was able to pull this off by buying a second ring that was on the large side but of lesser quality (and thus able to fit into the budget my MIL had set).  I’m surprised my MIL hasn’t gotten the ring she received appraised yet.  I can’t wait to see her flip out when she finds out that her little plan didn’t work.

And here’s the worst part – after my fiancé proposed, we called our respective parents to share the happy news.  My MIL asks me on the phone, and I quote, “Do you like the ring? My son spent so much time looking for it.” It makes me sick to my stomach that she would ask that question to my face after trying to manipulate the whole situation behind my back.

Looking back, it really amazes me that both my fiancé and I did not realize how manipulative my MIL was until I talked to my therapist.  We never thought about using that word “manipulator” to even describe her; we always just described her as overbearing.  I guess we were naïve about the whole situation.

So ladies, ask yourself, is your MIL simply overbearing or, in fact, manipulating you and your significant other? Remember, the first step to winning this battle is to recognize that you are in fact being manipulated.  And there’s no shame in admitting that you have been the victim of manipulation.  It’s not your fault that your MIL is so crazy.

So I’d love to hear from you all.  Have you had less than positive experiences with your in-laws?  … what has been your experience?

Thanks everyone, it’s so nice to share my story with all of you!

xoxo  - Miss S

Label(s): Popular *New*, Real Life Issues, The Bloggistas

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242 comments

  1. H on January 16, 2014

    I am sick and tired of my MIL , my partner and I are not married , but we decided to plan to have a baby together…we were super happy together until the news of the baby…

    She used to live 600km away, now she lives 30km from us. and is making my life a living hell. She takes every single possible opportunity to see her grandchild, so much, I sometimes feel I don’t spend enough time with him. When I talk to her about it, she calls me selfish. And states that I see her son and grandchild every day, why can she not see them when she prefers…

    she interferes in EVERYTHING WE do…recently she went a little too far…and now flipped at her…now I realize the father of my son is truly a mommies boy…he does EVERYTHING she wants and she is so use to him saying yes and amen to her, he does not know how to say no….and even, when MIL and I have a fight, he takes her side EVERYTIME…

    I am a the point where I am seriously considering leaving him….moving out and I know I will be just peachy… rather alone with my children, than with him and his mommy …

    she also goes SO FAR to include her manipulative behaviour and get his brothers to join in , in getting more time with my partner and son…

    it is now to the point where I realize, he has to choose, us or them…and the worst is…it seems like he is choosing them ….and is argument is ” I only want one BIG happy family” which means he want EVERYONE to join together and just be happy… but life does not work that way…and to be honest, he sounds EXACLTY like the MIL…

    SO tired of this…I now want peace and happiness and MIL will always be tolerated by me, NOT provide me happiness, she is just TO much of a Mil…and her best strategy for manipulation is to ” KILL me with kindness”, but I see RIGHT through her strategy…. like packing a little sleepover bag, while agreeing she wont be sleeping over, and MAY ONLY visit for the day ,but when she comes over, she places the sleepover bag very strategically in front for all toe see. Just ” In case”..

    She turns VERYTHING she does, into n honest meaning full friendly, no harm done, meant it well act…meanwhile she is VERY WELL aware of what irritates me the most and she will CONTINUE doing that until I feel like screaming !

    I honestly, cannot handle my partners MIL baggage any longer, I want leave him, so he can go move in with her….she can be a wife for him, and by looking at his behaviour, the 2 of them are emotionally married…

    her opinion means more than mine, her way of doing this are ALWAY better, so I told him to go sleep with her…. :) and after the sent him and e-mail containing information of a treatment centre, of which I don’t need help for…just cause she felt like helping and feels I might have a problem, …I lost it…not even informing my family what she is planning, she just took it on herself to NOTIFY him that SHE believes I have a problem…

    how devious is THAT ? how LOW CAN you go ??? how much more manipulative CAN you be ?

    I got rid of her, told her if she ever contacted me, my mother or my daughter I will get outside help to deal with her…cause I think she requires mental help, further, if she wants to see her grandchild, she can speak to my partner, I want no contact with her….:) feels better now!

    Reply
    • Kayla on March 9, 2014

      Hello, I can’t help but read your story and relate. I have a daughter with my boyfriend and we have another one on the way… Recently his grandmother bashed me on a birthday post I made for my cousin. Accusing me of being a racist and then his while fily jumped in. The funny this was out of respect for his didn’t say a thing, but the conversation seemed to continue regardless and awful this were said about me. My boyfriend seemed to feel really bad and said he was ashamed of his family for doing that, but I went through his messages to his family and he basically kissed his mothers ass and said I was in the wrong. I feel totally betrayed by him and feel that he is a coward… I to feel that she choices them over me all the time and they are also overbearing when it comes to my child… I feel like the females in his family try to take my place as mother… I guess my question to you is was it worth staying with him or is it better to leave ?

      Reply
  2. Mark on January 28, 2014

    Hope it’s okay if I as a guy weigh in. I think my MIL can pretty much top anyone’s. She’s a “retired” (was actually fired but that’s another story) college professor, was still working when we got married. Fancies herself a liberal, free spirit, so decided from the beginning that I am too “uptight”. Took an immediate dislike to my parents, tried to make my wife think I had cold feet four days before the wedding because my wife couldn’t get a hold of me (I was in the emergency room and couldn’t use my cell phone), and was going around badmouthing my parents to the staff at the reception venue on the day of the wedding. Then wrote my mother a really mean and nasty note for no reason out of the blue the day after the wedding. And that was all during our courtship and wedding. In the ten years since, she has been horrible to us, but especially my wife, who has been a saint to put up with her as long as she has. She cuts my wife down all the time, about her career, makes false accusations about my wife’s character. She makes disparaging comments when my wife gains any weight at all, made comments like we bought too much house (we have a 1 story 2200 square foot house built in 1965), was furious that we didn’t buy ourselves a golden retriever, her favorite breed, and called the dachshund we bought “a worm”. She bought my wife’s son a Wii even though we had said we didn’t want a video game system in the house, she bought my wife’s then 9 year old son a dirt bike rated for 14 year olds and up when he was up visiting her, and then lied to us and said it was an electric scooter. She has told my wife’s then-13 year old son stories about catching my wife having sex with her boyfriend when she was 16, She told my wife’s then 13 year old son that she wanted to smoke marijuana with him, and when we nicely asked her not to do that, she flew into a rage and nearly hit me. Even though my wife and I totally stayed calm and said we just needed to set that boundary, a year later she accused us of “battering” her. Then SHE cut off contact with US. I think it was a melodramatic move to get my wife to come crawling back to her, but we decided that we were much happier without her in our lives, so we just let it go. Of course, after a year, she emailed me, and at first it seemed like she might sincerely want reconciliation, but it quickly became clear she just wanted more shots at my wife, wanted to talk about all the supposed wrongs my wife had done her (all completely made up in her insane mind) and wanted us to pay for her and my wife to go to therapy together so she could unload all of these lies with a therapist to “protect” her from my wife, who “intimidates” her.

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    • Me Too on September 1, 2014

      Mark, thanks for sharing! I can relate to the negative comments at the wedding, flying into a rage when trying to set boundaries (with my son as well), and get this: my MIL now resorts to social media. Hang in there, stick together, and no man can separate what God has ordained.

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    • DANG IT on September 10, 2014

      MY MIL is all of you guys stories combined. HE always takes her side, and never defends me even though, he knows that she is in the wrong. In front of him she is the most pleasant person to be around, when he is away she makes a complete 360 puts me down, tells me that she don’t want me with him. Tells me to change my career, I swear he should just marry her. She takes his money and moves it to her account, and spends it all and says she is monitoring his money. She tells us to get rid of our pitbull and get a yorkie because that is what she likes. What is sad he’s on my case now just to please that psychotic wench. She has his whole family looking at me like I am a piece of trash by telling lies on me to them. On holidays they wont even speak to me or try to get to know me based on what she has said about me. She is pissed off because I will not give her access to my account for her to take from and spend. He is nice and all but I really think I should end it because she is too much to deal with and he would be unwilling to move across the country.

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  3. Jenna on January 29, 2014

    I’m pretty sure my mother AND father-in-law to be will put everyone’s story to shame….they’re absolutely crazy and I seriously think they need medical help. Close to one year ago my fiance proposed to me with an elaborate proposal, everything between us was great, things with his family were ok. We started planning the engagement party (keep in mind his family made it very clear that they wouldn’t be contributing a dime to anything, since my fiance supports them). The night of our engagement party my fiance picks me up and on the drive says to me, we have a problem…..my father would like you to put my sister as your MAID OF HONOR!!!!!!! To which I turned around and said, absolutely not, we have spoken about this from day one, it will be whoever I want it to be. His family pouted and looked sour the entire time during our engagement party, ruining my night and my fiance’s night. Granted my fiance told his father to but out and it’s none of his business who i choose to put. However, his father and mother then proceeded to threaten us to not come to the wedding. Things got so extremely bad that my fiance would come over every night in tears because his parents would not let this go. So i decided to take things into my own hands since this mama’s boy couldnt shut them down. I went over to their house and addressed his parents saying this is our wedding, our happines, and our life. Who i choose to have stand next to me on one of the most important days of my life is my decision and my decision only. His parents then turned to me and told me that if i dont do what they want, they will never allow this wedding to happen……his parents proceeded to also say that I’m the shit of the earth and told me to get the f#$% out of their house and never to dare to come back in. For months its been a complete nack and forth with his psychotic parents and my fiance. His mother has such a sick influence over him that he can’t tell her to back off…..he’s afraid of disappointing mommy.

    So my issue is, am I the crazy one for still sticking with him?????? our wedding is just a few months away and she’s managed to start another fight over something so stupid – thanks you cards. I mailed all the thank you cards for the engagement and she looked at my fiance and said, “am i not worthy of hand delivery, she’s marrying my son?” she cried and guilted him and of course my fiance fell right into her trap! Telling me that i disrespected him and his family.

    WTH do i do? Please help!

    Reply
    • Lisa on January 29, 2014

      I feel for you, I do. However, if this is what is going on before the wedding, on your day, it will only get worse afterwards, especially when children are added to the mix, if you intend to have. Your in-laws will feel they have some claim and right to their wants and opinions worse than before.

      It’s a cycle that will not end and really, the only one that can end it is your future husband. He can complain all he wants about them but unless HE is the one putting his foot down and HE is the one asserting and sticking to boundaries, your opinions to them mean nothing because to them, you don’t matter. BUT their son does.

      When things became so bad with my psychotic and verbally abusive mother in law, I told my husband straight up, “we are family and it’s up to you to tell your mother, if she bans me, she bans us all”. If not, she has an extra bedroom he can stay in until he figures that out. So, he reaffirmed the boundaries much to her hate and temper tantrums.

      When two people get married, they become each other’s priorities and his parents do not come before you. If he is not realizing that now, then I’m sorry but from what I read, the outlook does not look good unless he stands up and grows a spine and tells his parents the real score, no if, ands or buts.

      Reply
    • Annie on January 29, 2014

      Jenna…after 10 years, I still have issues with my MIL because I stood up to her. My husband still doesn’t. Everyone else is scared of her, so she controls them. Men don’t like to rock the boat, and your man is in an unhealthy pattern with his mom. It will get worse after marriage and kids. Moving far away helps, but it is not a cure. Read TOXIC IN-LAWS. Great book. Go to counseling with your man before the wedding so a counselor can explain his roles to you and his mom. Maybe it will help. Best wishes

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    • Renee on February 7, 2014

      Dear Jenna, I went through something similar. As a matter of fact my MIL told my now husband that he had to ask her permission to get married. I was told what I am allowed to do at my wedding even what flowers I might have. Luckily for me my husband stood by me and not his mom. She went so far that we (my husband and I) don’t talk to her anymore and that was his choice. I cannot tell you what to do but can you live like this for the rest of your life. Your man needs to own up and stand behind you. Just remember a wedding ring might even worsen their behaviour. Good luck hun

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      • Alyssa on February 25, 2014

        The others have stated it really well, Jenna. Things will most likely get worse after the wedding, but it can be bearable IF your fiancé stands behind you.

        We’ve dealt with pretty much non-stop BS since our marriage over 5 years ago. My father-in-law stole our wedding day; we had a 4.5-year mutual time-out for that one, and my husband supported me 100% throughout it. When we finally started working towards involving the family – primarily after our first child was born last year – my aunt-in-law went out of her way to support us. Everything was great until she became suffocatingly enmeshed in our lives just three (yes, three) months later, becoming hysterical every time we couldn’t follow her wishes. We pulled back; she threw tantrums and accused us of being mean, and spread lies to the rest of the family to portray us as the victimizers. (And she thinks this will encourage us to further develop our relationship with her!?) In a nutshell, everyone has always deferred to her wishes so that she doesn’t go crazy, and we’re the first in the family who has set limits with it. Our boundaries are simply unacceptable within the existing family dynamic.

        Despite all of this, my husband continues to support me and stand up to his family. I’m not saying it’s been easy for either of us – he never realized how boundary-stomping his family is, and I’m a people pleaser who can’t stand knowing that my very existence has caused turmoil. However, there’s no way that we could have survived as a couple without his backing me. Proceed with caution and ensure that you have your fiancé’s support in setting limits with your in-laws. Good luck and best wishes.

        Reply
    • Alyssa on February 25, 2014

      The others have stated it really well, Jenna. Things will most likely get worse after the wedding, but it can be bearable IF your fiancé stands behind you.

      We’ve dealt with pretty much non-stop BS since our marriage over 5 years ago. My father-in-law stole our wedding day; we had a 4.5-year mutual time-out for that one, and my husband supported me 100% throughout it. When we finally started working towards involving the family – primarily after our first child was born last year – my aunt-in-law went out of her way to support us. Everything was great until she became suffocatingly enmeshed in our lives just three (yes, three) months later, becoming hysterical every time we couldn’t follow her wishes and demands. We pulled back; she threw tantrums and accused us of being mean, and spread lies to the rest of the family to portray us as the victimizers. (And she thinks this will encourage us to further develop our relationship with her!?) In a nutshell, everyone has always deferred to her wishes so that she doesn’t go crazy, and we’re the first in the family who has set limits with it. Our boundaries are simply unacceptable within the existing family dynamic.

      Despite all of this, the one thing that’s enabled me to get through it is the 100% support of my husband. I’m not saying it’s been easy for either of us – he never realized how boundary-stomping his family is, and I’m a people pleaser who can’t stand knowing that my very existence has caused turmoil. Proceed with caution and ensure that you have your fiancé’s support in setting limits with your in-laws; if not, you’re in for a lot more heartache. Good luck and best wishes.

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    • helpless on April 1, 2014

      My partner and I have been together for 8 years. He’s loving and caring when his mom and brother are not around. He puts up a different persona in front of them..he becomes a MCP. His mom is very manipulative and greedy. She always uses her ‘widow’ card and cries crocodile tears in front of him. She’s always asking for money. My partner’s brother is weak and cannot take decisions. My partner’s brother is father of a son and a teenager while his wife is a neighbourhood watch and a never-worked in her life. While we worked hard and my partner always tells me that i do not contribute enough. I give more than half of my salary in the house. My partner tells me that his mother always comes first. Even if she’s wrong, she would be right. And instead of standing by me, when i am right, he joins with his mother for verbal abuse to me to make her happy. My partner is well-educated but I fail to understand how come he’s so cowardly. I am so emotionally close to my partner that I cannot imagine my life without him. But I know he would never stand by my truths while his stupid mom is around. I do know what to do. I have told him that I cannot take wrong things and I would speak up. He doesn’t like my saying that and threatens to leave me.

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    • Beth on April 15, 2014

      Did you end up getting married? I am going through this exact thing right now and can barely put one foot in front of the other. I’m reading your post and it’s like reading my life story. It sounds like your future in laws are like mine, and one may suffer from borderline personality disorder. My future MIL has this which makes our lives miserable. I am considering calling off the wedding but don’t want to lose him. What did you do? Whatever you did, I hope you are OK.

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      • Jenna on May 6, 2014

        Thanks for all the support and helpful advice everyone. Unfortunately, we didn’t end up getting married. I called off the wedding back in February right before my bridal shower all because her bridal shower invitation got mailed to her versus being hand delivered. I got to my breaking point after she insulted my mother (who passed away years ago) and my ex-fiance just sat there looking dumb founded and scared. It became VERY clear to me that he will NEVER be able to stand up to his parents. I decided to walk away….

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        • Me Too on September 1, 2014

          You made the right decision. I’m sorry to hear.

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  4. Beverley on February 9, 2014

    My MIL is takes the cake to all of these. This crazy lady has manipulated my husband and his brother forever. She had my husband arrested, charged and jailed for taking a pack of cigarettes at 14 and made him a ward of the court. He spent 6 months in a correctional facility where he was sexually assaulted by one of the attendants there and yes there was charges laid and she was a witness for the attendants side.(Attendant was found guilty) My husband at 15 got out of the facility and travelled across Canada working enough to eat. Being homeless in many cities. He did this for six years phoning her every once in a while asking if he could come home all she would do is send him $100 and tell him to stay where he was.
    I met him in a local truck stop in Saskatchewan where I got him a job and found him a place to live. After a couple of years he went and got his Class 1 licence to drive truck for a living. we eventually moved in together,
    4 years after we were living together his parents and brother show up on our doorstep. Nice as pie brought him his dirt bike from his childhood years. We have been together for 23 years and she has interfered continually throughout our lives. We bought a truck for his work, 2 months later the in laws show up with one of their logging trucks and told him to drive it for them, he did. We starved that season, she would never pay us, the next season she typed up a contract for him that we were buying the truck for $5000 a month. He did this for 4 years, we had 2 payments left and all of a sudden he was moving back to BC to run the truck here. We moved, she was pissed that I came along. They took the truck back over and left us high and dry with no job. A year later I bought the local store, a month later she was on our doorstep crying that they needed a diver, my husband dropped everything and went. We had a big argument over this and he moved out down to their house. 3 months later my husband rolled the truck and was banged up pretty good, he moved home to me that night and was unemployed. We did not speak to her for the next 2 years as the truck accident was apparently my fault. Don’t know why I was not even informed of it until 10 hours after it happened. She spread many rumors around our home town , that I took with a grain of salt.
    In the meantime she started picking on my sister in law who was losing her 17 year old son to cancer, telling her shit that it was cause he wasn’t her husbands son. MIL took their tractor and tried knocking the mobile home off of its foundation with my sister in law and their 2 children in it. My brother in law got some balls and moved his family and home away from their property after 13 years of living there. he also went and got another job and cut the apron strings totally.
    In July of last year we went and bought our own logging truck, we were finally getting ahead of the game. In September, our creek washed out and destroyed our house leaving us homeless, MIL offered to sell us their house so we had a place to live, my husband jumped right on it, I was very skeptical but went along with it. We moved in October 1/2013. I painted the whole house, MIL still hadn’t moved all her stuff out and started showing up at midnight work in the office, than at 6 am for coffee. I had not unpacked much as it was all in the garage. Then she changed her mind , she wanted her house back, I said NO. She went ballistic when my husband agreed with me. She punched him in the face twice, threw my shit all over, took pictures of my stuff still packed. We left the house and called the police as she was going beserk. We went back to house when police arrived and she had us locked out. The cops told her we had the right to be there, then told us we should find another place to sleep for the night to let her cool down.
    We decided we were not going to stay there cause she was nuts. we found another place, bought new furniture, moved the next day with police escort to remove our stuff.
    Now she is trying to find out who our landlord is trying to stir up shit. I beat her at her own game though, I was up front with the landlord and told them everything. MIL is just pissed cause I put a stop payment on all the postdated payment checks for their house. She is fucking LOCO. Thanks for listening to my tale of woe and no we have had no contact with the crazy bitch.

    Reply
  5. SaraSota on February 12, 2014

    I am not sure if I am overreacting or am playing the fool here or just flat out a weak pile of poo (which I have never been before I met these evil people and had children with their son). I believe I have not only a manipulative mother in law, but father in law also (Their son and I are not married, but they’re still in laws I guess). SOOOO what does a woman do, that has two children with a man, when the Pa MIL tells her…”You’re just not what we wanted, and maybe you’re just not the right fit for this family”. And Ma MIL tells me I need “hormone therapy” after my last child (he’s almost 11 months now). BUT while I was pregnant…we lived in their cabin, while we were trying to finish our house, which was 50 ft away and the boyfriend had to be over there every night and I had to listen to their crap and negativity…EVERY night. So no, I didn’t need “hormone therapy” but some kind of therapy!! Like a sharp object in my temple! I can’t even tell you how low and small I feel every time I am around them…They are perfect and Ma MIL is the best cook, the best mother, the hardest worker, the best at everything…and they both remind me of it. ALL THE TIME! The boyfriend and them are in biz together and I am very hesitant to work with them because of all the resentment already. It will only be worse I feel. Plus, we live close to them as we are all on the same property. But if I want “us, our family that we have created” to survive I need to put in some time..it’s our bread and butter. But I am extremely reluctant. I can only fake it so much…until I break. Which I think I am already broken. I am emotionally drained, a huge ball of anxiety and I am supposed to be strong and happy, at least for my children. The first time I even mentioned how crazy his parents make me and requested a little space from them…he accused me of wanting him to “disown them”. I would NEVER ask anyone to do that. WHAT DO I DO? Any advice would be helpful. I may end up going to a therapist just because I don’t want my life to end up in shambles because of two crappy people. I would like to think I am strong enough to overcome this, but it’s sucking the life right out of me. And it’s not only unhealthy for me but for my babies. And THEY are the most important aspect of this whole scenario…but the MILs just want to control them too. Because they did such a wonderful job with their two boys. Ha! ITS SICK! HELP!

    Reply
  6. Zendaya on February 13, 2014

    Hmmmm I feel so glad to have come across this blog and be able to share what I am feeling. My fiancé and I are getting married in two months. From the start, I have told him what kind of wedding I wanted and that I wanted something simple and intimate. However once we started planning the wedding he got on and on about involving his family and about how they are already complaining that I am not involving them. I left the food to his mother as I believed that was a very important part of the wedding. My parents are the easy going type and really don’t mind what we do. They are happy with whatever we decide and also as the groom is paying for the entire wedding they have given him the onus to have it the way he wants. I have been very understanding but what really sent me off the edge is that he called me this morning after he and I had agreed on the wording for the invitations and already sent them out for printing and just handed the phone to his mother who proceeded to say she needs to see the invitations and they need to be hosted by the parents. I specifically told my fiancé that I did not want that kind of invitation. After his mom finished he got back on the phone and said “I told you to involve my mom in the invitation and get her input” I almost screamed. I am sooo annoyed and upset with the whole thing I have just told them to go ahead and do what they want. I know my fiancé is the ultimate mama’s boy but I was willing to put up with it for the sake of love. I know he will never change. Her opinion is the best, he wants to move next door when we are married becaude he doesn’t want to leave his mother and I know that she comes first before me. It really bothers me but the day I tried to talk to him about it he went off and told me point blank that I cannot tell him how to relate with his family and his family comes first before anyone. He is very loving and caring but this is the only thing that scares me. He is a divorcee and from the things he has told me it seemd his ex wife had issues with the mother but he has never gone into detail. I want to be with him but I am very afraid of what the future holds. I am getting cold feet but with two months away from the wedding I CANNOT call it off. Please helpppp.

    Reply
    • Loni on February 13, 2014

      You can always call the wedding off up until you say I do. If you are ok with never being your future husbands priority and never having a say in your marriage then he is the man for you. It’s hard to imagine that sometimes love isn’t enough. Don’t be afraid to say you need more time, that your not ready to make this very serious commitment. Please don’t walk down that aisle with reservations my friend did and was divorced in six months. You want to be able to walk down the aisle knowing the man at the end is your future and he really has your back and you are the most important woman in his life. Good Luck and don’t be afraid to say hold on.

      Reply
    • Lisa on February 16, 2014

      Actually, you can call it off…more importantly it sounds like you should. Once you are married, you become his family…his top priority and if he is already saying you won’t be then it sounds like he should be marrying his mother, not you. Apparently, he is an ex-husband for a reason and divorces don’t come cheap. It’s better to call it off beforehand than go through the wedding as an uncertain bride and end up divorced.

      Reply
    • Kayla on March 9, 2014

      I would call off the wedding for now… It doesn’t sound like it’s going to get better anytime soon… You fiancé should be sticking up for you and by your side… It’s your special day not his mothers… But unfortunately from my experience momma boys are the worsed… Hope all works out for you though

      Reply
    • Liz on March 12, 2014

      I’m so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. I’m sure your fiance can be a very nice and loving man (why else would you be marrying him?). I know it seems impossible, but unless things have changed drastically since you posted, I think you should very seriously consider postponing the wedding. Like a PP said, perhaps your fiance divorced for a reason. If your fiance’s ex had the same kind of issues you’re dealing with and his refusal to put her first was what lead to the divorce, he’s already said and shown that he doesn’t have a problem picking his mom over his wife and I would expect him to do it again, and again, and again, and again into the future. What about once you want kids (if you do)? Are you going to be ok with your fiance and his mom raising them and you having no say? What about vacations? Are you going to be ok with going on vacation wherever the two of them decide you will go? What about money? Are you going to be ok with his mom deciding how to spend your money without you getting any say? All of this for the rest of your life?! The list could go on. You are very wise to be terrified of marrying this man the way things are now. That is not cold feet, that is your smart little inner voice telling you what I think you already know if you were to be truly honest with yourself.

      Have you tried going to couples counselling with your fiance to deal with this? Has he shown any effort to work with you on this issue? You deserve sooooo much more than a marriage where you know that you will never come first! That is a divorce waiting to happen. You are worth more than that. You deserve someone who is going to love you and cherish you before all others (including his mom!).

      Reply
  7. Andrea on February 13, 2014

    It’s nice to hear, I am not the only woman dealing with a MIL like so….To just explain what Ive been going through, here it is..Me and my Husband have been together for 6 years. We now have a 7 month old boy.

    Throughout my whole pregnancy I involved my MIL with everything. She came to every doctors appointment for baby, joined me in going to stores to prepare for baby, was in the room and saw me give birth to baby.
    Before she found out I was pregnant though-we were not on the best terms. This is because her and her son (my husband) used to have a relationship in which if me and him had an arguement, she was always right there….them two, putting my back against the wall in a corner by myself with nothing to defend myself…she encouraged him to treat me the way he did….
    Anyways, so when she found out I was pregnant she wrote me a letter stating she’s not happy im pregnant but there is nothing she can do, so I felt bad and tried to involve her in everything.
    So, now…7 months after my sons birth, we are living with my MIL, father in law, and my husbands two younger sisters. My husband pays rent, I buy the groceries. I do all the dirty work for his sisters that my MIL should be doing. As well as taking care of my son, and being a Nanny (I bring my son) 5 days a week. She always feels the need to say myself and my husband are raising our son wrong, and just butt in and be overbearing. Last night, my husband and I brought our son to the mall and he was laying in his stroller on his stomach and was smiling, facing forward, having a blast….while we kept close eye on him, holding his hand. He was safe. My husband shared this with my MIL and she said “You really want to be those kind of parents?” WTF? So my husband says….”He was fine mom we were watching him! I was next to him, why do you always have to bash everything I say?” She stormed upstairs said nothing and broke things upstairs, slammed doors…I couldn’t tell you why she got so mad…
    We’ve been trying to move as well, because she is too much and we viewed a home yesterday and I told her over the phone it had a stand up shower with no bath and she says “Ew”…Well its all we can afford and I was a little upset, it was insulting.
    So today she has the nerve to email my husband and say that “You guys ave brought nothing to the table” Im so offended. I WANT TO MOVE OUT ASAP

    Reply
  8. Kat on February 15, 2014

    Hi
    I have the worst MIL possible. She knows which string of my husband’s to pull and uses emotional blackmail on him, like crying and talking in a sad voice.
    The last straw was when my dad passed on. She did not call me up to offer condolenses, and neither did she come see me at the prayer meeting. She straight went and sat on the chairs. My husband and me have two children. At my dad’s prayer meeting, my husband’s uncle was crrying my daughter and I went 7 got my daughter fromm him. My in-laws turned this whole thing around and told my husband that they felt insulted because of what I did. Do I need anybody’s permission to carry my own daughter from anybody’s arms when I want? They cried to my husband and my husband on the other hand fought with me because of his parents. He should have instead stood by my side and told his parents that I am going through a hard time and they should let it go.
    Now he wants to bring his parents over (they live in another country) to visit for about 3 months and I am not happy about it.
    The time we visited my in-laws my MIL made my daughter sit on her lap and my husbands neighbor was pushing my daughter down on MIL’s lap. They did not let my daughter get up & go even after she told them she wanted to get up & that they were hurting her.
    Am I crazy for not wanting my in-laws to come over? My husband is still a momma’s boy and doesn’t have the spine to tell his parents to their face that they are wrong sometimes. He has no backbone when it comes to his parents. My MIL is very manipulative, she tells my husband that she wants us both to be happy but then does things quite the opposite and makes my husband think I am the bad person.

    Any suggestions on how to deal with her will be welcomed with open arms. I feel a lil better after putting all this down here!

    Reply
    • Lisa on February 16, 2014

      Well, it’s your house too and no, I would not let them stay and if they do I would set up very clear boundaries and stick to them. Your husband should be backing you up not his parents.

      Reply
      • Kayla on March 10, 2014

        I wouldn’t let them stay. That is awful to force your daughter like that…

        Reply
    • Lilysmum on May 19, 2014

      I am very surprised you allowed that to happen,if you love your daughter as much as you claim and want to protect your family from these horrid people. If my MIL and some random neighbour were playing ‘Pin the Grandchild on the Grandma’ right there in front of me,there wouldn’t be enough force in the world to stop me snatching my child straight up,and slapping the adults up the face for daring to hurt my baby!!! It is YOUR job to protect her,she can’t do it herself. If its gotten to the point where they are physically hurting your offspring,then screw your husbands feelings – they would NEVER see my children again!!!

      Reply
  9. Tara on February 17, 2014

    Getting married this Saturday, 22nd, in Gatlinberg, TN. Destination wedding! We knew we were going to get married somewhere out of state for a long time (been together 6.5 years) and finally decided.

    Background:
    His mother (also my boss!) is what I would call, A.D.D., Bipolar, and everyone around suffers from her chronic procrastination. I mean she is late to everything, no matter how important it is, church, family gatherings, work, funerals, weddings, everyone is always waiting AT LEAST 30 minutes after time to eat for her to bring her dish, and a lot of the time we don’t even wait and when she brings it, no one will eat it because they are full. Yesterday, no lie, she arrived 40 minutes late to the church service. At work, since she is the boss, she believes she can come in whatever time she wants. She comes in usually around lunch, and makes herself look busy by jumping on the computer to play solitaire. But everyone thinks she is such a hard worker. I absolutely cannot stand this woman. As soon as I finish school in April, NEW JOB HERE I COME!

    Anyhow, addressing current issues… Since we announced we are getting married in Gatlinberg, she has been obsessed with the whole situation. First of all, it was only supposed to be me and him. As soon as she found out she immediately called family and said “come to the wedding!” Ok, so I wanted quiet privacy in the mountains but I can handle family too. Every time she tries to speak with me about the wedding, she is just down right condescending. Everything she does and thinks should be worshiped like we worship God. She did not like us having our wedding in Gatlinberg. My fiance told her from the start, if she didn’t want to go, she didn’t have to. HAH! But that went in one ear and out the other. So every time we have a conversation, she says, you need to have the wedding here (home). Yesterday, one week from the wedding, she told me this again. Really?? I always have a comment but I’m nice and I just let her say what she wants so she feels accomplished. I will not argue or try to tell her my opinion because it is simply useless and a waste of my breath. She don’t care what anyone wants and she is determined to show her level of control. No one can tell her anything. NO ONE! You can’t talk to this woman! But she is “so smart” and “such a good planner” BS! Clueless people! Yesterday when she wanted to talk about the wedding, first she gave me a gift. It seems to me that she buys me gifts so I will allow her to have her way. I won’t! I do things my way, weather she likes it or not, and my fiancé is NOT a momma’s boy. He don’t listen to her, he just proceeds with our plans like she never said “I’m going to do this”. Yesterday during our conversation we played 21 questions… I mean really. She said, “I want to make sure everything is in order”. She never has any order to her life or anything! She asked, “What are ‘we’ doing about plates and napkins and things?” I said I am going to get those today. She said well, I will get them. I said “no one volunteered you” she said “I know, I’m getting them.” She wants to show everyone her money and how much better everything will be when she is involved. For the shower she said “I want to get you something expensive that no one else would get you.”
    Its just little things like this all the time, showing her control, ADD, chronic procrastination, and bipolar when it kicks in. I see the bipolar at work. Is there a blog on manipulative in-law bosses??? That’s a whole different story.

    I know this isn’t top notch psycho in-law, but I just thought I would share. I mean, she seems to be a good person if she would just stay in her house and out of people’s business.

    Any advice? I think she just need to be diagnosed or admitted but that won’t happen for a long time. I believe I have outstanding patience for things like this because I see everyone else blow up and I just take deep breaths and remain calm. But one day I’m afraid I will explode, I will develop heart problems, and/or have a full head of gray before I’m 40.

    Reply
  10. B on February 17, 2014

    She’s isn’t my MIL yet, but someday.

    For over 5 years I have dealt with her disrespecting my boundaries… I have asked her multiple times to refrain from making accusations, making assumptions and saying untrue & overly critical comments about who I am and my life. I feel attacked and harassed. It’s very uncomfortable being around her.

    My boyfriend won’t talk to his mom because he says he doesn’t want to be in the middle which is completely fine with me, as I do put him there. Many times she tells on me for expressing how I feel on a few things I feel strongly about. He also says and I have that his mom and I are both capable adults to work out our own problems.

    I always see and hear her saying she don’t like drama, but these things start drama and negative vibes.

    I have also asked her to refrain from giving advice and opinion about who I am and my life. I do know what’s best for me and my life more than anyone. If I want advice or opinions, I will ask for them. I am very happy with who I am and my life. Thanks to my wonderful family, especially my parents who raised me very well and to life so far for teaching me valuable lessons to make me learn and grow as well.

    She has expressed to me that she finds conflicts as drama and negativity. I view conflicts as good tool to build stronger relationships/friendships and improve oneself.

    Whenever things have gotten miscommunicated with her rather it’s text form, over the phone or in person I have done my best to either clear up by expressing what I mean in a calm manner on the things I feel strongly about, or asking questions to better understand something, or leave whatever be that isn’t worth it.

    I take my responsibilities for my actions and words with anyone and anything. So, some of this is my fault because I should have sticked to my comfortable level in sharing less and keep clear on my boundaries in the very beginning. But, I shouldn’t be the only taking responsibilities for these situations between her and myself.

    I wish she would view some things from my view. I know I have view a few things from her view. I realize you are concerned for your son and trying to help.. but when in my opinion some of her ridiculous untrue comments about me are unnecessery and inappropraite, but I feel she shouldn’t worry as I have my drama job finally, I am on the right track to finish my college to obtain my BA in Early Childhood to own my own preschool someday, I treat her son very well, and I balance her son out yet have some similar personality traits. I feel she should be happy that I make she son happy and leave my life alone finally after 5 years and work on her own life.

    I feel I have tried for 5 years to build a positive friendship with her. I have been nothing, but respectful, kind, honest, patient, understanding, and considerate her or anyone for that matter. I have looked at things from her view, because I’m an open minded individual towards some things. I have included her in things just like she has to me. I have invited her and the rest of his family to do things with me or with my boyfriend and I. I have cooked many dinners for her like she have for us. I have asked if something is needed for a family get together. I have genuinely supported and cared when her mother passed away and when her father isn’t doing well as well as other stuff. I have gotten to know her likes, dislikes, etc.

    My boyfriend isn’t super close with his family as I guess from what he’s told me is his mom isn’t like this with him.

    I know I can’t change her or control her. But I feel she’s trying to control and change me into her expecations she wants for a DIL.

    Reply
    • B on February 17, 2014

      She always twists everything I say too. :/

      Reply
      • B on February 17, 2014

        It’s like she’s “Queen” and I need to bow down to her and she does NO wrong, and places ALL blame on me.

        I don’t get my boyfriend in the middle I mean. Sorry I was typing fast.

        I am not the victim and don’t play the card as I have tried and tried and I take responsibilities for my stuff. But she makes me want to drink every single time I am around her!

        Reply
        • B on February 18, 2014

          She can be a good person to others, but I wish she was too me a little bit more like get rid of the assumptions, accusations, saying untrue comments about me and my life and less opinions/advice give… I see and say good stuff about her like he likes, etc.

          Reply
  11. B on February 17, 2014

    It’s like she’s “Queen” and I need to bow down to her and she does NO wrong, and places ALL blame on me.

    Reply
    • Sandy on July 13, 2014

      I think we have the same MIL, haha. I wish I could give her a good smack sometimes, she makes me so mad. Standing in solidarity with you, 100%. Hang in there.

      Reply
  12. JayJay on February 18, 2014

    My husband and I have been married for 8 months and together for 8 years. In the beginning I was really close to his mom. Over the years I had reason to believe that she had stolen a large financial settlement awarded to my husband years before I was ever in the picture. She was his power of attorney at the time and my husband suffered a TBI and has little memory of the events following his accident. There is no way to prove this of course. Ends just don’t meet. When I met my husband he lived in a house he was flipping with his parents. It was completely bare. Just a toilet, studs, no heat and blankets on the floor. I felt sorry for him. Years later they bought more income properties and he began working for his mother full time. He is the most humble, giving man I have ever met and he basically worked for peanuts. He thought it was what needed to be done to build the business. He lived in one of the “apartments.” It had no running water. Not even a kitchen or a bathroom. His mother would dictate what needed to be done everyday and even though they had everything purchased to put a bathroom and kitchen in it was never a priority. The other properties and shops were more important. My husband worked 10-12 hours a day everyday for years! I was livid and was just out of college and couldn’t believe a mother was okay with her son living like this even if he was. She made it so he was completely dependent on her for everything! It hurt our relationship and we broke up for a while because I couldn’t be with someone who would let himself be taken advantage of like that. We did eventually get back together and I had a great job. I started home hunting and when his mother found out I was looking 30 minutes away from her she informed me that wouldn’t do. Her son needed to be close to her. I did purchase a home, my husband moved in, quit the family business and makes twice what I make because he is incredibly intelligent and hardworking. We got married and have a son. He is officially out from her thumb but now I am paying for it. She has done and said subtlety manipulative things to me. She is the master of coming across seemingly sweet while manipulating the crap out of you. She will tell me my husband’s 80 year old grandmother isn’t cooking a huge family dinner then call and say where are you in front of everyone. Of course she says in front of everyone she didn’t tell me that. She knocks me out of the way when changing my son’s diaper and tells me I’m not doing it right. Her newest thing is to crash my honeymoon! My husband and I had our son before we got married and skipped the dream reception we both always wanted. We decided to treat ourselves and rent a beach house. We have never been on a weeks vacation the entire time we have been together. We thought this will be our honeymoon/first little family vacay with our son. I told her out of excitement our plans and never anticipated she would invite herself. What was I thinking? She asked if we wanted her to come and watch our son. I told her no thank you but that is a nice offer but we weren’t planning on needing a babysitter. She pushes the issue again: “I can get a hotel room and babysit.” No thank you that is not necessary. This is our HONEYMOON. We are looking forward to just spending time together with our son on our first vacation as a couple well…… ever. She came over my house today and pressed the issue again and says she will only come for a day. I tell her again no thank you. We just want it to be our honeymoon. Then she presses me for the exact date to which I ignore. Presses me even more. I look at her and say the 20 or the 27th. She says what day Friday, Saturday? I say it is the 20th a Saturday. Now she is just going to rent a beach house the same time. I asked my husband to call her and tell her not to do this but she won’t answer. I asked him to nip this in the bud days ago and he wouldn’t. I fear tomorrow will be too late. She will book. Looks like we will be canceling our honeymoon.

    Reply
    • Lisa on February 19, 2014

      I’m sure you’re smacking yourself over the head for giving her the information in the first place and won’t ever make that mistake again. But all isn’t lost. Is it possible you can arrange to go somewhere else at the same time and never let her know? Of course, she will be livid when she gets to the beach house and realizes you went somewhere else but hey, you’re not obligated to tell her anything and you had already made it clear you didn’t want her presence. Just a thought and good luck. Unfortunately I am experienced with having a MIL that tries to sink in the tentacles of control every chance she gets. Unfortunately for her, I’m very stubborn and have no issue with telling her what’s what.

      Reply
      • fed up on September 30, 2014

        When my husband and I started dating his mom (my MIL now) was never really in the picture, we would only see her in family parties and she would just have a fake smile and say hi, then ignore us for the night, and that went on for a while, I was ok with that since I figured she just had he own life and didn’t want to intrude in our life. So we got married, that’s when a little bit of drama started. She cried to my fiance then and told her she is losing her son, and while he reassured her just to think of it as gaining a DIL, she refused to believe it. I also should tell you that I did everything I can to get along with this horrible woman.
        Wedding passed and we barely talk to her because it was her choice, when I was pregnant to our first son, my husband decided to tell her the good news, and she was not excited at all, all she said was that she was too young to be a grandmother. She was 55 at that time. So the entire time I was pregnant, she did not keep in touch with us or check in on us. The day the baby was born, she came to the hospital and stayed there the entire night and any visitors that came, she wouldn’t even let them hold my baby. I barely held my baby for the first 3 days. Because she was there from morning til night. and my husband was just so overjoyed that she was there, that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that she was getting to be too much. She would come to my house 3 times a week for very long periods of times for the 1st year. I would cry by myself just being fed up., but we finally put some distance as she was getting too much and was gossiping about anything and everything, including bashing my husband to me. Now she is upset and is bashing me. Since she wants to patch things up, she is messaging my husband playing the innocent role. I don’t think I can handle another round of dram. What do I do?

        Reply
  13. Karin on February 25, 2014

    Well, I’ve been married now for over 20 years. My father-in-law was verablly abusive ( as was my husband) and my ML came across as a saint. I had seen some severely manipulative behaviors in my husband, which he addressed and has stopped, and I could never figure out where they came from until my FL died. She had been pulling the strings for years through him…who knew? Now, I see my ML has been the master manipulator with whole time. She played me against her own daughter for years with flattery and fake words. I served her like a trained dog because I felt so sorry for her.” Meals, gifts, holidays, lunches out etc. “You are more of a daughter to me than my own daughter”. Which wasn’t true, her duaghter had long ago gotten sick of the manipulation.

    She’ll say nice things to your face and horrible mean things behind your back, depending on her needs that day. She is the mean queen bee of the retirement home and it is her mission to rule it with her manipulations and cruel remarks about other residents. It is her show, 100% of the time and the world MUST revolve around her. BUT, when you meet her she comes across as a very sweet, charming little old lady! She will never state what she really wants or how she really feels, but constantly manipulates people with fake emergencies, fake emotions and lies. she competes with me for my husbands effections and states that people often mistake her handsome son as her husband! EWE! She’ll make lunch plans with me for her birthday and then cancel them with a lie and manipulate her friend into taking her to lunch because her daughter-in-law doesn’t care about her. Seriously, she does this and really well. And the response is always…Oh…porr ML.

    Then, she’ll call me with a fake emergency and I take her to the doctor, like I am her personal driver, even though she just used me to manipulate her friends. There is nothing wrong with her, at all, and I’ve been manipulated to spending time with her. If I don’t do something the way she likes it, rather than simply telling me, she says, Oh, so and so does this for me and she never did it this way ( which is the way I was doing it)….” Yuck!

    I finally, 100% lost trust in her when she asked me to help her designate her jewelry before she dies, she’s as healthy as a horse and she wanted to know what my daughter and I wanted…which was NOTHING! I put her off for over a year and then she manipulated my husband into begging me to meet with her. I did. She spread her jewelry out on her bed and asked me what I wanted. I felt ill and told her, not a thing. I asked her to start with her own daughter and she told me her daughter would never wear any of it. I picked up a number of things for her daughter, and she just shrugged her shoulders. After making lists for hours she kept asking me what piece would make me happy. There were just a few pieces left and I told her to pick, but she said she wanted me to be happy. Stupid me, tired of the game, I picked up a piece her husband and I had picked out for her before he died. She immediately grabbed it from my hand with an indignant snarl and stated that this was for her one and only daughter. I was embarased and then she said, “I never got my mother’s jewelry because the person who was suppose to give to me kept it for herself.” I was confused and then I saw that the whole episode was a ruse she used to shame me and to make sure things were given away according to her wishes, which is all I ever wanted in the first place. I think her jewelry is ugly and I’d never wear it. Then she gave me back all the jewelry I had given her over the years, kindly, but with a snicker that none of it was her taste. I left feeling foolish and then she wrote me a letter, stating I didn’t deserve anything becase she had given me her one and only son. (the son who is NOW a good man, but who was verbally and emotionally abusive when I got him)

    Moral of the story, sometimes manipulative ML’s are sneaky. If you have an ML that seems to favor you over her own daughter, BEWARE. Don’t give her your heart. If she is full of flattery, be careful. Do what need to be done for her as the mother of your husband, but never, I mean never, trust her with your heart, because it isn’t about being loved with folks who manipulate, but about their being loved, or even just them getting the attention they crave and the power of being able to manipulate.

    Lastly, she has told me repeatedly that she likes to ‘mess’ with people, because she can, and it amuses her. She mainulates me because at the end of the day, my heart desires to love my fellow man, not because I’m good or perfect, but because life is short and painful, why inflict harm when you could give a blessing? But, not every one deserves our hearts or our love, especially manipulative ML’s!

    Reply
    • Janee on July 24, 2014

      Oh wow…..you pretty much just described my mother. It’s really tough growing up with this type of person, so I can understand why the daughter has had enough. The fact that most people don’t see that side of her can be very frustrating. If you are a child and no one believes you when you ask for help, it’s crushing.
      My mother is mentally ill in my opinion. She’s been telling me all my life that the youngest daughter must take care of the parents (that’s me). I could write a book on the things she has done to me and my family.
      For my health and my families well being, I have cut all ties with my mother.
      My MIL is OCD Perfectionist. Every thing in her life had to be perfect and she was not content until she married a doctor. She had wanted to marry a doctor from childhood. All of her children are so afraid of her wrath and they have terrible guilt if they feel they have disappointed her in any way.
      My husband works 6 days a week / 12-14 hours a day, but she gets mad at him if he doesn’t go to see her at least every other week. She has Alzheimer now. I think this makes her easier to deal with most of the time.
      Spending time with my in laws has always been uncomfortable. They are all judgmental and critical, but they are the type that do it behind your back. My relatives are the same way. Whoever isn’t around at the time will be bad mouthed. It makes me so uncomfortable, I usually drink alcohol. My husband gets uptight as well because everything and everyone has to be perfect or else you suffer her wrath.
      I’m trying to figure out what amount of contact would be best for our family. I would love to go out of town for a least one holiday a year, but since my MIL has Alzheimer now I feel that would be selfish of me to do. I know eventually we won’t have to spend as much time around them, but I would just really like to eliminate unhealthy relationships from my life altogether. :)

      Reply
      • Janee on July 24, 2014

        Forgot to add…
        FIL is a doctor and MIL’s second husband. My husband’s father committed suicide after MIL left him for Dr. and took everything. She also made her children sign over their inheritance from their father. She did not need the money whatsoever, since she had inherited a 7 figure sum from her parents not to mention her new husbands future income. Sick and selfish in my opinion. Thankfully my husband has more of his father’s traits, but his brother and sister have my MIL’s traits.

        Reply
  14. Kellie on February 26, 2014

    I am both glad and sad to read all these comments. Sad because none of us should have to go through this (and by God will it make sure we are all GOOD MILs some day!), but glad because I can see that I am not the only one experiencing such psycho behaviour.

    Mine also went batshit crazy after our engagement, but I should have seen it coming since I had watched her close friendships collapse by way of her manipulation and sabotage.

    She became strangely close with my fiance’s highschool girlfriend (to the point they were doing lunch together – something they never did prior to our engagement and something she had and has never done with me).

    She always seemed to be comparing herself to me – I got the sense I was an unwitting competitor in her game of who was thinner, prettier, more popular or better dressed. Not to mention the toxicity of her shallowness – always commenting on other womens’ appearance or her disbelief that I would go to the grocery store sans makeup or in sweat pants! There also seemed to be some sick competition in her own mind for her son’s (my fiance) affection. She even took a seat on the sofa that I had vacated for a visit to the bathroom, just so she could sit next to my fiance and caress his head/neck/ear. It was a sickening spectacle. Of course, he didn’t flinch. In my experience, the boys rarely see whats happening before their eyes and often turn it around to be their wife’s/fiance’s issue.

    In planning our wedding, I tried to involve her as much as possible. She didn’t come to any of the dress fittings or shopping days I arranged, and then when asked by a family member, had the cheek to say “why would I be involved? I’m just the mother of the groom” in a way that implied I had excluded her. She resorts to martyrdom all the time: when we moved into our house, my folks helped with the move. She later claimed she ‘couldn’t get time off work’ (which I know is not true). It’s almost as if she deliberately sits things out so that people can then feel sorry for her that she missed out.

    Fast foward 5 years and I thought everything was going well. Sure, I thought she had issues, but I dealt with them in my own time and tried not to let them affect our relationship too much (which is hard for me as I am very outspoken and honest!) After many episodes of the silnet treatment, by husband had finally had enough (finally!). He decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.

    Turns out, she had bottled up years of resentment. She hated me. Hated my outgoing personality; my ability to speak my mind; my strength and intelligence. She hated that I was closer to my parents than I was to her (to this point – she said she felt the “inferior parents” because I am close with my folks and we went on a week-long holiday with them. Hypocritcial given the favourtism my husband’s brother gets, but thats another story!). I am highly-strung and must be changed before I ruin her son’s life.

    Needless to say, we did not respond kindly, but responded in kind. She did not expect the retaliation and I dare say she regrets starting that battle. It has been 10 months since we saw or spoke my inlaws, yet she continues the game via social media and family members. I have to laugh, as it is she who will miss out as we are expecting our first child. I cannot help but be sad for my child that it will have only one set of grnadparents, but perhaps it is better not to expose children to such a toxic environment.

    To be continued I guess…

    Reply
    • Virginia on March 2, 2014

      Katie,

      The wedding plans feels similar to my experience. My MIL complained I wasn’t including her. Yet we had only been engaged for a week or 2, nothing had happened. Then when I asked her to get her nails done with me, no response. When I asked her to go shoe and dress shopping, she went out and bought her dress the very next day. So she had an excuse for not going. It is a loose-loose situation sometimes.

      I wish they would sometimes see how we are trying to hard to be good DILs. I think the problem is we expect them to be more friendly to us and then it isn’t and are feelings get hurt.

      Reply
  15. Virginia on March 2, 2014

    I am about to be married and honestly, I have had cold feet because of my soon to be mother in law. First of all, she is single. She is divorced, her ex has moved on with another lady.

    It all started with little things. Like she never has every really asked about me. Has never asked what I do for a living, how my pets are doing, where I came from. She has never asked anything about me. I have given her gifts, just to never see them again. And if a gift is from both me and my fiance she looks straight at him and says thanks to him. Not me.

    She also refers to my unborn children as HER grandchildren. How she already expects them to come over and play, etc.

    One time she asked me if I like my fiance’s Dad, her ex. I said yes, he seemed nice. She answer, in an evil way. “Well now, but you will see. You don’t know but you will see.”

    She has also just plan out told me “I know more then you.” Drives me crazy.

    She constantly bothers me about how I take care of my animals! I have said nice things, like I got it, but she will intervene at any cost. When I tell her I feel tension and if there was something I could do to ease it she says everything is fine.

    If I send her an email she will jump to conclusions and it becomes obvious she doesn’t even bother to read my emails.

    Now with the wedding planning. Ugh. 2 weeks in and she is already crying to my fiance that I am excluding her. Ummm…we hadn’t even started yet! Then instead of asking me how it’s going or if I was looking at dresses she just talks about her dress. Then when we showed her the ring, it was my fiance’s ring. She would look at him and say “I like your ring”, never anything to me. I might as well not be in the picture, she just sees it as a tool.

    She also told us it was stupid to invite my sister and her husband to our rehearsal dinner. Excuse me, my sister is the matron of honor and she is my sister! But my fiance’s sister is invited.

    She also goes out of her way to tell my fiance how I am wrong. How I am manipulative and throw a fit. I try to see things from her point of view, but I just don’t see any justification for how she is treating me.

    My fiance and I were going insane. So we made this rule. Every time she did something that drove us crazy we would do something for each other. Like cook dinner for each other or go out to eat or buy a present for one another. :) Makes it less stressful.

    Reply
  16. Christina on March 7, 2014

    Yikes. So happy I found this. I feel like a bad person for having issues with my MIL.
    I dont get stressed but she is making me NOT want to have a wedding. She continues to tell people she does not approve of us and she may or may not come to the wedding! Who does that. Similar to you she has been checking his bank statements ect as his bill still make it to her house. I dont know what to do.. If she doesnt RSVP I feel fine not ordering her a plate! But what if she shows up! grrr Im lost and having a hard time with how sneaky she has been. Calling all the time asking him to call it off. Its just RUDE and CRAZY

    Reply
  17. Stella John on March 7, 2014

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    Reply
  18. Jeb2020 on March 18, 2014

    I’m so glad I found this blog, atleast I know Im not alone. Heres my story:

    My fiance and I have known each other for 9years, we have been a couple for 4 of those 9 years, we have been engaged for 2 years. Our wedding is just two months away, something we are both very excited about. My fiance comes from a close knit family, particularly to his mums family. His mum has three sisters and a brother. The brother (fiances uncle) is not so close to the rest of the family fand after getting to know the rest of the family I am not surprised why!) . But his aunts, grandparents and mum are very close, to a certain extent, over involved in each others lives. His grandparents were very active in his in his upbringing and he was close to his cousins. Initially, everyone was very nice to me, but shortly after our engagement I noticed their attitudes towards me changed. His aunt would get upset if he took me out instead of hanging out with her daughters (his cousins). She also accused me of breaking up his ex girlfriend (who it turna out ahe prefered over me) and him ( which is not true). After a year of mild bickering things exploded when his aunt called him and accused me of sleeping with another man. This ofcourse was not true, but I was still furious that she would make such an accusation against me. After this, my fiance gave her a chance to apologise and maybe meet up and discuss all the problems, but she refused to meet. So he told his folks that he will have nothing to do with the aunt and that she was not welcome at the wedding (she obviously was not happy for us and tried to cause a rift between us). Since then things have gotton ugly, The rest of the family have sided with this one aunt (“co-incidently” she pays for a lot of things for everyone else like holidays, fancy clothes etc) I have been publicly insulted on social media (called things like “a fat pig” by his aunt), his grandparents refuse to acknowledge me, and the other aunts have shunned me. Interesting to note is that it was my fiance who took the decision to cut the toxic aunt out, but it became clear that they blamed me for it. The worst came when my MIL, who pretended to support my fiance and me, one day flipped out. She started emotionally blackmailing him, saying things like he was not “allowed” to uninvite her, that his grandparents raised him and that they want the aunt at the wedding and for their sake he should go back on his decision. The MIL called me and blamed my parents for her sisters behaviour. She told me I will never be half the woman she is and basically accused me of causing my fiance stress. Again, she refuses to acknowledge that her son made the decision to cut out the crazy aunt, She blames me, my parents, everyone else! She also accused my parents for having the whole wedding their way. This is not true since my fiance and I made every deciaion together. Also, In our culture the girls family hosts the grooms family on the wedding day, the groom essentially comes as a guest, and my parents are paying for the entire wedding, so I dont see what her problem is. Fortunely my fiance has stood by me for the most part. He has not gone back in his decision yet despite his mothers emotional blackmailing, I do however feel that at some point in the future he needs to set some boundaries, which he seems reluctant to do now because he doesnt want to aggrevate the situation so close to the wedding. If we as a couple decide someone is toxic and that we don’t need to interact with them (the crazy aunt) then I think his mother needs to respect our decison. This whole issue has caused immense strain on our realtionship, we love each other but he also gets roped into his mothers sad stories at every turn! Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with this furthur?

    Reply
    • Lisa on March 18, 2014

      Well, the time to set boundaries is now, not later. It’s also one thing to set them but another to stick to them. Don’t get caught drawing lines in the sand only to erase them and draw another one further back…that’s how you end up falling off the edge. No, set them and stick to them from the get go. Also, it’s your future husband’s family. He’s the one that has to speak up and set the boundaries and he is the one that has to stick with them. He should always make you his priority not his aunt.

      Reply
  19. DIL on March 21, 2014

    I am so happy I found this blog, knowing that I am not alone, and that I am not crazy for feeling this way. Here is my story, the “short” version:
    I met my now husband 6yrs ago, and have been married for about 7months. The troubles with my MIL started a couple around the time we started planning our wedding, a month or so after getting engaged abput 2 yrs ago. My MIL and I had a good relationship before, we even went on vacations together. I had a good relationship with my SIL too, although sometimes rocky because she is a handful to be nice. The first signs of trouble was when my H and I decided to have a wedding without children present. My MIL got very upset saying that his younger cousins (the 8 and 9) should be allowed to come. We refused, saying it was our wishes. Then started all the comments. The food wasnt any good, the flowers were ugly, the color scheme was awful, the rings were to expensive, the venue wasn’t nice etc etc etc. I tried to include her, without making my husband and I unhappy. I even made his sister one of my ridesmaids to make them feel more involved (thinking that was the problem, them feeling left out). I kept thinking everything would work itself out in the end, and tried not to make a fuss about how upset she and my SIL were making me. They both ruined my bachelorette party, my SIL by getting really drunk and making a scene, my MIL by badmouthing my friends and family and encouraging my SIL to act badly. I decided not to make a scene about that either, even though it hurt. A week before the wedding I told my SIL (or rather my husband told) that she had to be supportive or not be in the wedding (I had already bought her dress and flowers) and you can guess what happened. My MIL took her side (as always). The day before the wedding we arranged a dinner at the hotel where a lot of the people from out of town were staying and my FIL and MIL came, my FIL was happy and talked to the other guests, my MIL barely said two words, besides complaining about the food. She then left without saying goodbye to anyone except my husband and me(not even my parents!) and left my running to the bathroom in tears about how awful she had been. The day of the wedding she just had a frown on her face the whole day, complaining about the food (we even had a special meal made for her since she didn’t approve of the menu) and saying stuff like “there is only one Mrs X (my new last name) and that is me” and writing in the guestbook that “there was only one good thing about the wedding, her son”. She ruined all the pictures that had her in them, when we were doing portraits she replied to the photographer that “she was going to smile over her dead body”. There are about 100 more things I could add to this list, but I don’t have the energy. Anyway my husband did actually stand up to here about a month after the wedding, saying that he and I were upset about what had happened, and she just denied everything, trying to say that we were the ones who made her upset (without clarifying). Long story short my husband said the we needed a break from her and my SIL so that they could think about what has happened, still no thoughts. He has gotten a few messages saying he should be ashamed and that he is missing everything with them. My FIL who is a great person has just “sided” with his wife and daughter (he actually said those words to me) and I don’t see an end to this. I really don’t understand why they would do this and it makes my crazy. I wish I could go ack in time and just put my foot down from the start and not think things would go away. Probably wouldnt change the current situation, but I maybe our day wouldnt have been as bad.

    Reply
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  21. Shae on March 30, 2014

    My mother in law is pretty strange. Her biggest issue is “overstepping” her way into my husband and mys life. My husband is an only child. My mother in law is obsessed with him. she even went as far as to mark my birth control shot dates to see the doc in her calander up until a year or 2 ago, among other personal dates for him or I. When we got married she wanted to help. But her help consisted of, if she paid then that meant she picked it out. Whether that be the place of the reception, which photographer we used, what food we got, etc. SO, we opted out on that deal and said wed handle it ourselves. ANYWAY….after that she sat us down and said look…..since we cant help then we want to pay for your honeymoon. SHE chose where we went, what hotel we stayed at, the dates in which we stayed AND added that her and her husband would be joining us same time same hotel. HA! I shot that one down real quick. She boo hooed for awhile but ultimatley still paid and sent us. ALONE. like a honeymoon should be! THE most recent thing was for xmas…..weve needed and wanted new furniture for a long time. Well we were informed by the MIL that wed be getting a special delivery for xmas. My husband ended up upsetting his motherso she canceled the delivery and we just got giftcards for xmas. Which was great. BUT recently found out that she had chosen furniture for us (living room) and was having that delivered. What I dont get Iis WHAT in her messed up mind made her think that chossing my husband and my furniture was ok? She never even asked us what type or color we would like….nothing. I am very greatful that she was willing to foot the bill. But I would have wanted to pick out furniture that would be in my own home. SHE just doesnt understand these things……she once told me that I didnt tell my husband we were expecting our baby “the right way” since it was over the phone……I just dont know what in the world her issue is. ONE minute her and I are able to laugh and talk for hours and the next……shes overstepping beyond belief! Someone help me figure this women out! please help…..

    Reply
  22. Fips on April 2, 2014

    Hi guys,
    I so can relate to the evil MIL stories. For about 14 years I tried to figure out what I did wrong or what I needed to do to make things better with me and the MIL. Similar stories to all of the above.

    Then, I bumped into this book and the lights went on:
    In Sheep’s Clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George Simon, PhD.

    I finally understand and have actual practical tools to manage MIL’s behavior. It is still not easy because I am emotionally involved and worry about her behavior when I see her, but at least I can see clearly now and am practicing how to manage her. I am getting there :-)

    Reply
  23. man and a van on April 6, 2014

    Why don’t we help local businesses by hiring a local ‘man and
    a van’ to transport our bulky packing cases.

    Reply
  24. Ann on April 8, 2014

    Hey my MIL is beyond manipulative and crazy me and my husband have been married for a year now and she makes us miserable she tries to treat him like a baby when he’s a grown man now, my husband and I both have told her she needs to quit being so obsessive with him but she just tries to make him feel guilty and puts a pity party on so she can try and control him.He loves his mom but he loves me also but it seems like no matter what we do if we tell her nicely,bluntly or what it don’t go through her head and she said she won’t change her ways.She calls 20 times in a row some days and when I try to have a conversation with her all she talks about his my husband and literally she asked me “Is he pooping good today?! ” I mean I don’t follow him in the bathroom and see what color it is or whatever. I mean she doesn’t understand how we feel about her annoying us 24/7, trying to control my husband,& her just wanting him to move back in with her.She also tries to make me mad on purpose by doing certain things that are literally crazy.My husband feels that he has to choose between my mil or me and I don’t want him to choose its just she won’t stop.So please any advice

    Reply
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    Reply
    • MC on June 16, 2014

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      Reply
  26. Dolly on April 16, 2014

    I can totally relate to some or all of these stories here. I am currently going through a situation with my MIL. I have been engaged for a year and a half and finally set a date and started planning our wedding. We got the surprise of our lives when my fiancés parents offered to pay for the wedding. We were delighted, but somewhere in my gut, I Knew that someday that can come bite me back in the rear. Well, we have been planning for 3 months, we are getting married in October of this year, and I have to say that its been a living hell! My MIL wants to be included in everything and every time I seem to make a choice its something she doesn’t like. She is having a fit for the flowers, she is having a fit because i wanted to have flower girls and doesn’t think i need too. she is having a fit about the colors that I’m choosing. she is having a fit with the DJ, that there shouldn’t be too “much” modern music played and he can’t be too loud. When we don’t include her and just pass her a bill she flips out, starts manipulating my fiancé behind my back and throwing in his face that they are paying for the wedding, so they have a say. I’m sorry but they got married 45years ago and had their time. Now when their son is getting married, its not even what he wants. They are inviting so much people that our invitation list doubled and now she wants to dissect our list because we have too many people. This is causing so much tension in our relationship that we want to call it quits and get married our way. We want an intimate wedding with a few of our closest family and friends. My own mother starts crying hysterically because she thinks I have no dignity, that this woman is humiliating me and my fiancé. the problem is that i know she’s right. it’s so hard because my fiance stands up to her but it doesn’t help, he is so used to her tantrums that he rather walk away. I guess i have to figure this out before I say I do!

    Reply
    • Lisa on April 16, 2014

      Dolly,

      There is one absolute way you can stop this madness and take back the control over your own wedding day and that is for you and your fiance to tell her, thanks but no thanks, that you have decided because of her actions that you will pay for your own wedding. And that’s it. I’m assuming the invites didn’t go out yet. If you have to make adjustments for your budget then do so, otherwise this is not only going to ruin your day and you will not look back on it with any fondness but it’s also going to follow you into your marriage with other things.

      Reply
  27. jlvn11 on April 17, 2014

    My MIL is definitely a manipulator. You can’t even have a rational conversation with the woman. Her mind she does no wrong. My husband showed her the door a year ago and she still runs her mouth to anyone that will listen and say how she wishes we never got married BC we have such a horrible marriage. This woman knows nothing about our marriage she wasn’t even invited to our wedding BC she told my husband she would just make it too our next one. We also have a 1 year old together. My husband has a son with his ex wife and she just adores my step son but never even makes an attempt to know our daughter but my husband’s ex wife just had a baby and she refers to that baby as her new grand baby and tells everyone how excited she is about it. She wouldn’t even come to the hospital when our daughter was born and my husband used to beg her to come see her.. I don’t know what else to do other than not having anything to do with her.

    Reply
    • jlvn11 on April 17, 2014

      Make it to HIS next wedding*

      Reply
  28. EC on April 18, 2014

    We’re pretty convinced my fiance’s mother has borderline personality disorder. She’s also been emotionally and verbally abusive; also pretends she hasn’t done anything wrong and acts confused when we try to have a conversation about how she’s hurt us. The great thing we have going for us is that we live far away from her. Any tips? Thank you for posting!

    Reply
  29. Elle on April 18, 2014

    Okay, I will jot down in point form some of the nasty things or manipulative things my MIL has done; before I go any further I must tell you that we moved in with MIL about a year ago & rent out our place to try & get ahead so we can provide better for our family (we have 1 son who will be 1 in 2 weeks & a daughter on the way due in late June). I was only a few weeks pregnant when we moved in the MIL. My hubbys brother had lived there all his life (36 years) & his wife 5 years at the house & the first grandchild for 1st 3 years of his life. The Bro in law (BIL) is the 1st born & my in laws are Italian & his wife is Macedonian (just to help set the scene lol). No offence intended, just pointing out cultures are extremely different.

    * When I was told I was reproductively challenged, I came home & broke down to my MIL & SIL because they were the 1st people I saw afterwards & was emotional already about the news. So they knew my hubby & I were starting to try & had met a roadblock on the way. So because they didn’t want me to give the 1st girl in the family my SIL started trying asap to give my MIL the 1st girl. They already had a boy (first grandchild). They were also the first to be married out of the 3 sons my MIL has. MIL was only girl amongst 3 brothers & had 3 sons & wanted a girl more than anything. At an extended family meal (Easter or Christmas), my MIL said, “Oh I don’t want girls. I don’t want anyone to give me a girl unless its (named my SIL)” & rubbed her stomach warmly & had a smug smile on her face. But, I didn’t quite know what I was dealing with at that time, it was still early days so although I thought it was unnecessary, I shrugged it off.

    * I was due in 3 days & had copped a lot of ostrazising throughout my pregnancy & it wasn’t long after I had just packed my bag & left & a scene & family divide occurred as a result of my MIL spreading a very creative version to the family & telling us another. As a result, my BIL & SIL weren’t talking to us & we were excluded from family affairs & events of fun family pics were posted on Facebook to boast & rub in our faces. My hubby & BIL were like best mates & we were told by MIL that they feel upset because they feel unwelcome when they come over they feel like they cant just help themselves to food etc or like they cant come around anymore. Then my hubby receives a nasty text message from his brother (my BIL) saying, How dare we treat MIL with such disrespect after all shes done for us (& proceded to rattle off things to rub our nose in it) & then referred to me as , “its all yours & your wifes fault. he continued to point fingers & tell us off for having a nerve to treat MIL so horribly. To our horror, we were just gobsmacked & thought what on earth has been said for them to say those things & go off at us & we literally had no idea what he was talking about & why he was saying those things. My hubby & I put 2 & 2 together & realised somethings off here so we decided to confront MIL, at first she just played the woe is me & would cry crocodile tears & say, “all I ever try to do is keep this family together” etc. So, for a while that worked & we would just bite our tongue & think everythings ok & carry on with family affairs per normal, however everything was different & has never been the same. Things just got worse slowly & the separation between my BIL & SIL & us was growing. They seemed to get very competitive with us over everything; weight loss, training, who can run longer & who can lift heavier, who got better presents from MIL & FIL (they are divorced & don’t get along well). Whos kids are doing better or are loved more by the family, who gets more attention from family & friends. Who can throw a better kids party or who came & rsvp’d to their party & not ours etc. Extremely [petty & childish things, but over a period of time, starts to wear you down & you become sceptical of their motives when they talk about something. Its terrible how it affects you mentally. It became such a battle in my mind & emotionally to try & move past things & get over it & not let those small thingsbother me. But, in time it has worn me down & I feel like an empty shell of myself & have lost a sense of innocence in that I am surrounded by evil & cunning & manipulative ways that I too think sinister in the way that I think immmediatel, what are they up to, what is the hidden nasty comment in what they say, what are their true motives behind everything they say & do…its think negatively automatically thinking that they are up to no good. Its taxing on me & my nature & my marriage. Im getting off track now, because im getting swept up in the whole emotions of it all, but what I was going to say is that I was due in days & my hubby came home from the pub a little intoxicated but happy & fine & she was just in a foul mood & started picking on him, trying to get a rise out of him by saying hurtful things to bruise his ego or hurt him. She realised she wasn’t getting to him (he has thicker skin than I) & he would just retort in a manner that suggested he wasn’t phased with her comments, but then she hit the lowest of all lows & said, “Oh so you know that’s your baby do you?” I was sitting beside him at the time & was shocked so I didn’t know how to take the comment so I just got up & walked away. To me that an insult to my husband suggesting your wifes a slut & the baby isn’t yours & insult to me saying that I am a slut & sleep around on my husband that who knows who the father is…later when she was confronted she claimed it was a joke because my hubby seemed so smug & cocky that she had to knock him down.

    * Im on my 2nd pregnancy & my son is 1 in 2 weeks. I work full time & raise him & maintain the house & do everything a wife & mother does. My MIL has had several family outings with family & we haven’t been invited, but its continually rubbed in our faces & its never done intentionally, they are all just massive coincidences. She has had family dinners at the home we live in & pay the bill for & do the shopping etc & has not informed us of or invited us to. The other weekend, my other BIL (middle child) & his wife & kid were down 2 weekends in a row & the last time we saw them everyone knew to bring easter eggs for the kids except us, so everyone got eggs except my son. Sorry, that’s not entirely true, my son got an egg…that my MIL had bought a few weeks before for the kids because they were on sale. They aren’t easter eggs , just chocolate shaped animals & so my son got that instead so he wouldn’t feel left out. So, even if I cant stand somebody, I would never leave them out (especially family) & I would never be so childish as to leave their children out because theyre my nieces & nephews whom I adore & children are innocent. I was upset for my son, but thankfully hes too young to understand.
    Dueing the time the family are around, I am made to feel left out all the time, they would take all the kids to play together in a different room & my son would be playing with 1 other cousin & then my MIL would pick that cousin up & take them to the other room where everyone is & say, “Come play with your cousins” & leave Caleb & I. She would put them all the cousins in the bath (3) & my son & I would be in our room & can hear her so clearly laughing with BIL & kids saying, take a photo & look at them all the cousins together (knowing my son wasn’t there with them). My hubby raised this with MIl & she somehow would just make out like we were being paranoid or silly & jealous & if that was her in my shoes, she would’ve just picked up my son & force him in the bath with the cousins etc. telling me that she knows exactly what she was doing. The bathroom is so tiny & my BIL was in there too so there was no need to be so loud & explain every detail in such a loud voice, especially when she doesn’t talk like that normally. So I believe it was made for our benefit to feel again, excluded.

    * My hubby & I like to do family things on the weekend, so we decided to go down the coast for the day for lunch on the beach & walk etc & visit some scenery. My MIL was off so we asked if she had plans, she said no so we invited her. She said no because she wants to clean the house etc. We told her where we intended on going, but when we headed out we changed our minds & went elsewhere & had a good day. Turns out later when we returned home that MIL arranged with BIL & SIL & kids & suggest they go to the very same place we were going to go originally & how they had such a lovely day together etc yet never bothered to ring us to see if we wanted to have lunch together. But out of all the places they decided to go where they though we would be thinking that we would probably bump into them & see them all out together & again feel like we aren’t part of the family. She was asked why didn’t she call us & she said because she thought we wanted to spend the day as a family together, yet they felt the need to come to the same place to give us that time away?!

    * My MIL said my son is the “cutest & best looking out of all the grandkids, but that must mean hes going to be ugly when he gets older”.

    * I gained a lot of weight with my 1st pregnancy & was going through a deep depression throughout & afterwards because of all the drama. So when my son was born my hubby & I said to MIL that we want to try & eat clean etc so can you please not buy any junk food for the house or if you do, hide it for yourself. My hubby told her 3 times & me, once. Guess what she’d buy & bring home? all my favourite foods…coincidence??

    * Every time I bumped into MIL friends or other family would come over, they seemed cold & aloof with me, but had never been on previous times when times were good, so I thought it very odd. my MILs colleagues said to me, “Oh I don’t know how she does it, works all day, comes home cooks & cleans & looks after (my) son & then gets up & does everything day in day out.” & she (MIL colleague) hasn’t been nice to me since & my MIL makes excuses for me not to attend her store.

    * One time we were out for dinner with close family & we left a little earlier than everyone else & we were new parents & so it took a little longer to pack the car back up & baby in car seat etc. As such, it was dark & the family were exiting the restaurant & they didn’t see us because we parked on the street, while they were leaving they were all saying, “Are you going to be ok? Will you be alright going home with them. Come stay with us etc etc.. They sounded very concerned for her & everyone was offering for her to stay with them. Hubby & I thought this was weird & then it clicked, what on earth has she been saying to them now to make them think she was unsafe in the house with us. This woman is unbelievable!

    * When people are around my MIL puts on a massive show & makes out she runs around like a headless chook for my hubby & I & how she looks after my son all the time & how she is forever cleaning the house & doing shopping & cooking & just needs a break. I just keep my mouth shut, mainly because its been my personality for years so its a natural response where I don’t like to put people on show & show them up or embarrass them, because Id hate it if it happened to me. So I just shut my mouth when I shouldn’t, but by the time I think of something, its too late lol im a little delayed with responses because I feel like im constantly in disbelieve or shocked by what she says or does. lol Anyway, the truth is this; I raise my son & look after him because im a very proud person & hate asking for help & I clean & cook & shop because I told my hubby that when we move in we don’t want to give your mother any excuse or reason to bithc & moan about us behind our backs to others, so we pull our weight & then some. But, I guess it didn’t matter in the end anyway, shes cunning & clever lie that.

    * I don’t trust anyone who talks so openly about people so close to them & she talks about everyone but smiles to their face & goes out of their way to feel so welcome & close. Shes the smiling assassin!

    * She is not right in the head & I fear she is a little like the movie, “The hand that rocks the cradle” with my son. She constantly is saying how my son looks just like his father (funnily enough…considering that she said that previous nasty comment about him not being the daddy), anyways so she keeps saying to everyone & how he doesn’t look anything like me etc… I just let her have that because I think, if she believed he resembled me at all, I fear she wouldn’t be as warm to him as she is so I just shrug it off & it doesn’t really bother me. But, what bothers me is that she tries her darndest to bother me by saying it all the time & rub it in as if it does, but im proud & happy that he looks like my hubby. But she said to me after a while of many attempts to bother me with how he looks like (hubby) & nothing like me, she said, ” You know he reminds me so much of (hubby) that I think hes mine & I even say to him, “come to mummy”. I get up to get my son in the morning & find him in bed with my MIL. She gets so happy when I go to get him from her & he shakes his head & pulls back & doesn’t want to come to me & tells everyone how he never wants to come to me & always wants to stay with her etc. I have somewhat of a routine that my son sort of developed himself & I adapted around that. So when I returned to work & MIL watches him 1 day with my niece, she ignores everything I do & said he likes & does her own thing & then dare tells the next door neighbour (who is life long friend of family) when she watches him 1 day, she tells her not to follow my instructions & do it her (MIL) way. Saying things like don’t feed him the yoghurt because he hates it & gives him a rash. what times to give bottles & feed him meat & veggies at lunch & what cream to use on his face for his eczema instead of the one that we want them to use, so he was getting nappy cream & all sorts of different mix a day, nothing was consistent & his rash was getting worse, but it was because of how I washed his clothes or because of the food I fed him. Also apparently the formula was giving him the rash, yet he had since he was born & the rash developed when he was about 4-5 months. He started having yoghurt around then too but all of a sudden when he was 9 months he was allergic to yoghurt too. Then he was allergic to grapes.

    * She is now ostracising me because my son I have a relationship with her ex husband (FIL) & has told the family that FIL is influencing me & we spend all our time together bitching about her & the family & how she feels that he is trying to turn his daughter in laws against her & buy our favour because he takes us out for lunch occasionally. Pathetic right! The poor bloke got blamed for us inviting her ex SIL (who she cant stand) to my hubbys & sons combined birthday party. Because of that she was determined to make us feel left out & admits that she will do everything to seek revenge against FIL etc. Shes bitter & twisted people & what used to throw me off for so long is because she can be the nicest person to your face & she will be generous with gifts & offering help etc but, heres the catch…that’s what also prevents people from thinking that shes anything but sweet & nice & generous so she fools people this way & I was one of them for so long until I became the target of her wrath. She gets jealous & envious of others quite quickly & fears not being needed ro wanted & because I show more independence than my SIL & my hubby relies more on me than her, she cant stand that we are competent & independent & not reliant upon her & it drives her crazy, so she goes out of her way to prove points to us just by being nasty or not including us with family affairs etc or going above & beyond for SIL & BIL & then both of them rub it in our faces to try & get a reaction.

    * Im heavily pregnant with 2nd & my MIL & SIL are at it as usual because my FIL took me & my son out somewhere nice for lunch but he only took them to a café, so since then my MIL & her boyfriend have taken my SIL & BIL out to a beautiful seafood restaurant & also had all night & all the next day to talk about their plans to do the mothers day fun run/charity walk together, but when I returned later in the afternoon to a family celebration they decided at that very moment to discuss their plans to do it together & how they can all have a picnic afterwards, not once asking if I was interested (I can still walk – im 30 weeks), I at the very least can attend the picnic, but nothing was said to either me or my hubby. I had done this fun run with them 2 years ago & we haven’t been able to since SIL & I were pregnant. They go to ikea together & toalk about it in front of me & not invite me but when I have something on with my hubbys mates girlfriends/wives im asked immediately why wasn’t SIL invited. Its never ending, I could sit here all day & tell you guys about this rubbish lol

    * We bought a new car & she was jealous & annoyed that SIL & BIL didn’t have something nicer before us so she has tried to throw my sons dirty pooey nappy at it & also laughed when it hailed because she thought it was damaged.

    * I know when im on her shit list because she hides my photos. they all miraculously are covered (just my face) & any framed ones are put down.

    * She told me that she visited a spiritualist that said this baby is going to be trouble & not good she wont be as good as my son & will give me grief & shes going to have colic.

    * My hubby had confronted her on one occasion & she satrated yelling at him saying, “that’s not you talking, its HER” & wouldn’t have a bar of what he was trying to say putting it down to me being behind it. I came down stairs to confront her about it because in actual fact I told my husband to not say a word because I would get the blame & it would make things more difficult for me here with your family. When I asked her does she have a problem with me & if she was blaming me for my hubby confronting her she denied everything & said no, I never said that. I couldn’t believe my ears, yet again I was surprised by this woman..when will I ever learn?! So shes a compulsive liar & fabricates stories to suit her & manipulates situations & conversations & people & is so cunning that it goes unnoticed…unless you’re on the receiving end!

    Ive gotta jet now, but I feel a little better having ranted & raved about it, even if I didn’t cover everything. Its terrible feeling isolated around people who are supposed to be my family. Its been really hard &thanks for having this blog, I don’t feel so alone on this as though I was crazy or something…

    Reply
  30. Rachelle on May 2, 2014

    Omg I think I may a MIL!
    We are not engaged but we have talked about it and his parents are aware. With that said we live with them for the simple reason we do not want to rent we want to buy a house. I moved in with them in October and I am going nuts… I pay rent $100.00 a month, plus “chores”, and now not only do we get a extremely long list of things to get done it is expected to ask what more needs to be done. Both of them told my boyfriend that we are lazy and do nothing. Mind you his mother does not work and she is in her 60′s and a RN! She doesn’t work because her husband is a million air and she is a lazy ass, but ask her and she says it’s because of my diseases… Now there was a huge fight (she will not say a word to me when there is a problem with me) between her and my boyfriend because I have a clothing rack the I hang dry my expensive clothing on and she practically said to me it’s a tacky but I sugar coated it I quote ” this is starting to look like a purterician house!” Because I placed it on the deck to dry in the fresh air! Now when I tell my boyfriend I can’t take it, his response is how do you think I feel they are my own parents and they treat me the same! We do not use a damn thing of theirs except water and some electric! I have no idea what to do bc my boyfriend is a full time student and I am in nursing school we can’t afford a place to live on our own… I can go home to my moms but he tells me it would be the end of us… I love him and don’t want that but I have no clue what to do please some one help!!!!

    Btw we are (26 that’s me) and (33 that’s him).

    R

    Reply
    • Maria on May 13, 2014

      His mother is putting you through stuff and he is giving you the ultimatum. Go back home to your mother. Spoken from experience, it is not worth your peace of mind, and if he loves you and really wants to be with you, then he will respect your decision. Trust me you will be filled with lots of resentment and that won’t be good for your relationship.

      Reply
  31. Ana Lopez-Cordell on May 10, 2014

    My fiance’s Mom is horrible. She keeps pushing him to do everything in her perfect little world. For example, he just graduated and got his bachelor’s degree. That very same night, she said and I quote, “So, I guess we better push back the wedding so he can get his Master’s degree now.” My fiance only wanted a bachelor’s degree to give his resume a little more oomph and now she wants him to do a Master’s?! And to postpone the wedding?! Not on my watch! Also, she so graciously decided to pay for my schooling for me to get a degree if I want it but again she wants me to postpone the wedding because they think we can’t handle the stress of school and being married. WHO SAYS I’M GOING TO SCHOOL RIGHT AFTER BEING MARRIED?! I CAN’T WAIT FOR A YEAR TO SETTLE IN! It’s just so frustrating because she has all these small demands and she keeps saying she wants to not show up to the wedding because of whatever. At this point, I’m just like fine whatever. Don’t show up to your only son’s wedding because you don’t like the fact I don’t have a college degree and in your little warped world that means I can’t marry your son. What do I do? Because she is going to continue being like this no matter what I do because I am very different from what she imagined her son marrying if she even imagined him being married at all. Well, at least my fiance has told her that he has his own life and he is perfectly happy with a bachelor’s and marrying someone whom he loves no matter their educational background. I’ll just be happy once the wedding is over and I don’t have to speak to her unless we’re getting dinner together or something for the holidays. Because we are moving too far away from her so she can’t be bothered to spend the time and money to drive 15 mins up to his apartment. But she wants him to come down to her house just to work out together or do something incredibly easy for her. Good thing he said no!

    Reply
  32. Mary on May 12, 2014

    My MIL takes no responsibility for herself or her teenage daughter and 2 dogs. She lost the house my fiance was renting for her then moved in with her friends – did nothing to get herself a new place and now a month and a half before our wedding she is homeless and has moved into our living room. Her dogs pee all over and dig up our yard. We have a small 2 bed 1 bath house and already have a guest in town for the month (best man/brother in law). Now we have 5 people in a 1 bedroom during the most stressful time of our lives. the only time my fiance and I fight it is about his mom. We got into such a huge fight over this we are contemplating calling off the wedding.

    Reply
  33. Samuel on May 12, 2014

    My parents in law are nice people but they are actually m- fu…kers. They act polite but they truly are cruel. They act like they are the most giving people, but they are the most selfish people I’ve seen. They criticise everyone, and believe they are the smartest people in the world. My mother in law starts her conversation with a no…I wanna kill that bitch.
    Mother in law:
    She dresses like the queen of England but stingy as hell. She will never admit she is controlling and I have never heard her say sorry. The bitch accused my wife that she stole her money from her purse ($400) that she found out in her own purse later, made my wife cry and broke her heart. Then she tried to bribe my wife by buying her things which she didn’t buy.

    My wife grew up being criticised all her life by these so called parents. So much that it killed her spirit, she has low self-confidence and low self respect. Every time my wife called them on the phone , she used to end up in tears. They used to attack her physically when she was little, the father beat her until she was bleeding on the nose, dragged her by the pony tail, and my wife just told me, that motherfucker sexually molested her from the age 7. My wife had A.D.D but does that make a child bad? It’s up to the parents to give love and support to that kid, not fucking hit them or molest them. My wife has serious confidence issues and she breaks up ino tears easily, she was recently diagnosed with depression.
    The day my wife told me that she was molested as a child, we were driving to her parents house to pick up our little daughter. I couldn’t drive there fast enough to pick up my child. We got there and they figured something was wrong and started asking what have we done wrong. What were we supposed to say that you molested my wife when she was a child, we kept quite just to keep the family from breaking because we had our little girl to think about. It started a big verbal fight between my wife and them which involved my wife crying and telling them to fuck off.

    We decided to leave the country to my parents overseas but kept quite about it because they would try to stop us and it would get messy.i should have punched the shit out of them but as always I odd the sensible thing and left, because the mother wouldn’t stop asking to have my little daughter for sleepovers at their place. No fucking way … Send my daughter to a molesters house? We left the Fucking country.
    So.. They gave us a hard time because we were flying business class, my wife’s grandmother upgraded us, and she hates their guts too. The parents told us it was stupid flying business class and the grandmother should have never spent that much money. They flew to see us afterwards and guess what? They flew the freaking business class.. They said they had ” free points ” . If you are so against business class then save your fucking points and fly economy..WTF.

    They came bearing gifts and bribes, not a single fucking thing for me ( surprise ).They arrived with their fake smiles. Now they are telling us how to do our finances, telling us where we should send our child to school, do this do that, hello motherfuckers you lost that right long time ago when you attacked and molested a child and the mother didn’t do anything about it. They fight themselves but attack as a pack, what weirdos.
    I did the right thing, when they were here, welcomed them, helped them, did all the right things and so did my wife. My angel wife has forgiven them and we hugged them goodbye, but…. Nothing can cure us from the trauma they have caused us..we don’t want to… But We hate them.

    Reply
    • Lilysmum on May 21, 2014

      Dear Samuel, my heart melted when I read your post. What a wonderfully protective dad you are. If only all children were half as lucky. What your inlaws did to your poor wife is a nauseating Sin in anyones’s eyes,and you did completely the right thing by snatching your precious little one straight out of their sickening grasp. You have my 100% respect for even allowing these people to ever set foot through the door again. I highly doubt I could be as mature!

      Reply
  34. Kayla on May 18, 2014

    My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years, recently proposing to me within this last year. Since we have been together I never quite understood his relationship with his mother. They were always very distant. She was always very withdrawn. The rest of his family, aunt’s, uncles, cousins all have included us and it had come very apparent through the years that his aunt has been the “mother” figure to him. Throughout our relationship we have always picked up the pieces for his mom when things were hard. Her husband left her, she lost her house to foreclosure and has dealt with my finances sister and her drug addiction. We were always there, giving her money, finding her a new house, moving her in and I took on the role of being her daughter almost. My fiance was her golden child and we both understand she has her demons but recently I have been the brunt of her meltdown. On mother’s day she would not respond to my finances calls or texts. I then texted her a happy mother’s day and that I miss her and love her. As if it’s not hard enough for her son to watch me and my mom on mother’s day she took it upon herself to watch my fb. The next day I got a text message that I am taking her children away from her and a lousy text message when I was being fake on fb wasn’t going tho cut it. She was obsessed that I sent my fiances aun a happy mother’s day message on fb. She has told my fiance too choose between me or her. My fiance, being sane and noticing that I have been an angel to his family immediately came to my defense but she has said things to me and to him that can not be ignored. I was raised to always respect someons mother, esp his. My family and his are worried that she has gone off the deep end. I don’t know what to do. During attack I did not entertain it. I keep to myself in fear I will come across disrespectful. How do you handle someone so cold and dismissive? I can’t wrap my head around writing her off but my fiance has had it and seems he is ok with it. The person I am can’t accept that. I need my mom, how can he not need his? Any suggestions?

    Reply
  35. Lola on May 29, 2014

    Hello ladies, I’m in the same boat. I’ve been engaged for almost more than a year. My ML jus really likes to push my buttons. Through out the whole wedding planning she has had several stupid comments and attacks towards me and my family. I come from a very close family unit ANd she hates that. She is so nosy she wants to know everything we do at all times. My fiancée can’t buy me something nice cuz then he has to buy it for her. Not only that she has ruined every little moment with my mom. I was obligated to show her my dress after she threw a tantrum because she didn’t go with. I’m not her daughter and she’s not paying for my wedding. I’m scared of getting married now out of fear she will control my moments like becoming a mother, which she clearly doesn’t do very well help!!!!!

    Reply
  36. Amanda Cleverley on June 26, 2014

    Please help! My MIL has pushed me to breaking point. My Fiance and I have been together for 8 years, we have two gorgeous children and I cant take it anymore. Although I love my partner more than anything im considering ending it because shes destroying myself and my family. She is pure evil. My friends even leave when she turns up because they cant stand to be in the same room as her. Although she would go to the ends of the earth for her friends she just walks all over us. She has finally got what she has wanted and caused a huge rift between myself and my brother in law. (Divide and conquer) Please help me. I don’t know what to do. Even typing this up has made me physically ill.
    Over the past eight years I can list hundreds of things this woman has done but let me give you a short example. My partner and I were going away for a week and asked MIL to look after my girls (she has looked after my eldest 3!!! times and shes 5!) She said it was fine so we saved, saved, saved to go away, first holiday ever. Everything was payed for, all confirmed (including constant confirmations from MIL). Four days before we were going she rang me and decided it would be to hard on herself and my father in law and no longer will do it. My Mum (who works full time) was sitting next to me and heard the whole thing. I was understandably devastated. When my partner got home I was in tears and told him what had happened. He rang her, and her exact words were “I never said that darling, I honestly have no idea what she is talking about”. My Partner told me we I got it wrong. . . ! ! ! and that’s just one teeny, tiny little experience ive had with her, Not even the worst! But a good example of what im up against. She is horrible to my Children but acts like Nan of the year infront of everybody else. Cutting her out of our lives isn’t an option as my Partner is controlled by her. He’s a 1000 times better than he was (hence get the Brother in law involved) but im only a shell of the strong, independent woman I once was. I have no fight left. Please help.

    Reply
  37. Veronica on June 27, 2014

    Hello all. I have a MIL and MSIL(Manipulative sister in law). My and my fiance have been dating for 7 years and are getting married later in the year. Just a little background to explain, my MIL, when we started dating, cheated on my fiances father and ran off with her lover and got married. She still to this day is hated by everyone in her family because she swears that she did nothing wrong and refuses to take the blame whatsoever. She has no relationship with her daughter (my fiance’s half sister) and her granddaughter. She will intentionally give my finace a ton of my when we go see her, I’m assuming because of her guilt. She is caterering our wedding to help with our costs for my family. Last week she went to visit our venue and told me that she has never met a place that was so difficult to work with and she said that she would never do a job there again but she will be nice for me. Which makes me feel like crap since she is telling me how horrible they are but she willing to deal with it for me. She lets you know when she is going out of her way for someone.

    My MSIL and my MIL do not speak at all and have no relationship which makes it hard during the whole wedding planning process since my SIL is my matron of honor. She has done absolutely everything and anything for me without me asking and she is the type of person that money is not a problem. She is throwing me this huge bridal shower(which I told her was way over the top) and is even paying for half of our honeymoon. I have told her every chance I have how much I appreciate everything she has done for us and how thankful I am. Here lately, my SIL has made it clear that she is the one paying for everything and throws it in my face whenever she can. Her and my maid of honor are helping to create my shower. I have known my maid of honor since 2nd grade so she is practicially like my own sister. My SIL has been bashing my maid of honor because she doesn’t have the money to add to the shower but she has been trying to put together all the decorations and games. Every time I hear from my SIL she claims that my maid of honor is not communicating with her which I know is not the case, and then claims that my maid of honor acts like she doesn’t care because she is the one not footing any of the bill for the shower. It then hit an all time high yesterday. On this past Tuesday, my MOH was with me at lunch when my dad called asking me to go talk to the ppl at the vinyard (where we are having my bridal shower) about wine and champagne for the wedding. So we went and my MOH took pictures to send later to my SIL. The next day she sent the pictures to my SIL letting her know we went and then my SIL yesterday says it hurt her feelings that we didn’t tell her we went and is still blaming all this on the fact that my MOH is not paying for everything and she is doing this all out of the goodness of her heart. I have been an absolute mess.

    Thankfully my fiance has been very supportive and knows how crazy his family is and has tried to help when he can and when I allow him. I am always terrified to make things worse since I am extremely a people pleaser. I just don’t know how the rest of the time leading up to the bridal shower and wedding is going to go. Any advice is much appreciated! =(

    Reply
  38. Sean on July 1, 2014

    Ugh….. I’m sitting here in the middle of the night, 12:34 a.m., can’t sleep, going through emotional turmoil over what i said to my wife, and having to wonder why my mother in law, MIl, as you like to call them, is still here living with us. I can say i know the answer to shedding the in laws to their appropiate place, and it is responsibility. You must both fall in love with responsbility and exude it through your pores around your manipulitive In laws to shed them to their proper place in life, their own lives and not yours. It seems dependency can be the gateway irresponsible in laws use as their gateway into their childrens lives, but who am i to say, i am an offender of my own theories, my lack of gravitating strongly to responsibility at key social moments has lead me to where i am today, two beautiful twins, a boy and a girl, a thoughtful kind good natured 14 year old, a Mother In Law with questionable motives, an ailing father in law who is a good old english chap struggling to walk, a beautiful caring wife. So you can detect I write in pain, and you are pushing the B.S. Button right now, aren’t you?? I have to keep asking myself, what am i doing wrong here, to get to In Laws out of the house, and all three of them to stop drinking 2 to 4 bottles of wine per night, in front of my / our, three year olds, no less! I am blamed for yelling and upset, which in fairness i have done, so i am owning that, and curtailing that and sucking it up when i want to burst out, instead, just talk. We the children have to break the legacies we were bestowed groing up with our parents, and rid the legacies that are toxic to relationships, so as to carrying on with and bestow the ways that are healthy to marriage, you have to fight for your right to a healthy marriage and do not set yourself up that you are going to kick it off in Alice and Wonderland and live happily ever after, thats just an oxymoronic pose played out covered laughter from Californian Producers, (the evil breed), my MIL manipulates from Guilt, she plays the perfect doding MIL, cooking all the meals, watching the babies during our working hours, at the price of interfereing in our lives and circumstances, transfering her legacy onto our kids, and raising them as if her own, with only us to blame. I’m in pain. My wife gets drunk every night, i’m lost? I trade options, and have been making good money and i also work around the yard, i can do both, and make equal share, and looking forward, i think i will be making way more, but that remains to be counted after acomplished. My wife has always had her mum take care of household while she worked. So i’m to blame, if i want change, then i have to change first, to bring about change. I live in pain, either way, there will always be pain, accept it and chose the pain most worth while, and live as a family of your own, and kick the in laws out!

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  39. Shayna on July 8, 2014

    Hello! I am a newlywed, married on June 14, and am happily married to my high school sweetheart. Even though I have only had in-laws for a few weeks, it has technically been much longer. My husband and I had a daughter 2 years ago when all of the problems started. When we found out we were having a girl my in-laws asked my husband if he was “ok with that.” I found that offensive but brushed it off. When my daughter arrived my in-laws became very upset with my choice to bottle feed my daughter as they don’t agree with it. It was best for me for various reasons. A few months went by and then she started acting as if my daughter was hers. She started explaining to me what my daughter liked/disliked. I eventually noticed her saying offensive comments that made me upset when it was just us or when nobody could hear. Many times I left their house crying on the way home. I seeked counseling a few months ago and discovered that no I am not crazy and that she has issues herself. It is not easy to be put down all of the time and to just let it go. She never acknowledged me at my bridal shower or even talked to me on my wedding day. I was hurt. I could never be as rude to someone as she is to me. After the honeymoon, she started complaining to my husband that he wasn’t helping at their house like she wanted. Many other things happened that day that made me upset, but I dropped it as I was so happy to finally be married and had just gotten back from the honeymoon…I didn’t want to start out like this. I thought things would get better after the wedding but it is 10x worse. An incident happened Monday which lead my husband to call his father and explain that he didn’t appreciate how I was treated. His father doesn’t believe me and basically laughed it off. I am still very upset and I can’t tolerate the manipulation any longer. I will have to face her eventually, but I am not ready to forgive her yet. At what point is enough, enough?

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  40. v on July 10, 2014

    I read your story and I cannot help but to shake my head in agreement to everything you are saying including what other people are posting.

    I am not married but we were on the road to getting engaged. He had asked me what kind of rings that I liked and enjoyed.

    At first to my bf’s mother I was polite and very nice biting my tounge everything I may have felt slightly offended by something she was saying toward me. I even invited her on a roadtrip with me thinking we could get some “mother daughter bonding.” THAT WAS A MISTAKE. The moment we are alone with each other it seems as though this is her opportunity to really just lay it out there. Talking bad about everyone in her family, being miserable, talking over me. The drive got to the point where in 6 hours I may have spoken 4 words to her because she would not let me speak.

    We eventually made it to our destination which was my families house. We were staying at my dad and sisters house. My dad is paritally deaf which is important to tell you. My dad takes my boyfriends mother on a tour and while that was happening I help prepare dinner and was asked to go get my father for dinner. I had to say TWICE dad, dinner is ready! Which she may have thought was rude but unappropriately told me she was going to SMACK ME. I walk away then spoke with her saying I did not appreciate you speaking to me like that. The rest of the trip was uncomfortable. She even had the audacity to say I said her son was stupid in front of my family. Which did not happen. It has been a battle ever since we got home from this trip. The trip I thought would make us closer has torn us apart. Not only do I feel like my BF is not really understanding my point of view but he seems to really not make it clear to her what she has done wrong. Now we are not on speaking terms and my bf just seem distant from each other. Please tell me if I should have allowed this woman to talk down to me and be rude to me or if I should have continued to bite my tounge? Please tell me why she would lie to her son about what happened. I am at wits end. Please help.

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  41. Joan on July 13, 2014

    :,( I have just canceled my wedding over a week ago. MIL destroyed everything. I couldn’t bare it anymore. He chose her over me.

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  42. julianna on July 15, 2014

    Hey guys, I am so sorry to hear about your stories/nightmares with your in laws. I guess honestly, I am a little relieved to know I am not alone with having ridiculously insecure, overbearing, controlling in laws. For my wedding I had a small personal garden wedding in mind….well, that turned into a huge Italian circus with people freaking out and throwing huge fits over everything from the “Italian wedding soup” to how my husbands obnoxious, malicious, selfish sister HAD to be a bridesmaid. If I said a thing about how I was feeling that did not align exactly with what they wanted, I was brushed off as being “oversensitive”. I was also told that since they were “Italian” they just HAD to have everything this and that way or else they would just be mad at me for the rest of my life, and it was just better for me to not say anything till after the wedding was over because they were just too stressed out. I wish I would have stood up for myself a little more and didn’t just let if all happen, but I was so overwhelmed, that I was paralyzed, and I was afraid to “inconvenience” them with my wishes. My husband, still a child in many ways, also yielded to mommy and daddy like a sapling in a hurricane. They became different people when it came to the wedding, and that scared me. The only thing that kept me from walking out the door on everything was his grandmother. She physically would not let me leave. Bless her heart.
    To this day, I feel so much remorse for how the “Italians” treated me during the wedding. Thank goodness, after we got married, we moved across the country. That has definitely helped with giving us a little space, but GOD…I now have some major trust issues. There has been talk of moving back, and I would love to see my family more, but that idea terrifies me, because just like they took over the wedding, I feel like they would try to take over our lives. God forbid we have kids. I am probably getting my tubes tied….screw that crap.
    Anyways, I am trying to figure out why in laws go so nuts…
    Lots of parent drown their personal issues in their children. They depend on their children to fill their emotional needs whether it be a need for control, affirmation, whatever…When that child goes on to start a new family, the in law sees the situation as them losing their emotional crutch that they have put so much stake in for so long. They just can’t let go, and they have to compensate for that by acting out. This is certainly no excuse, but If I could do everything all over again, I would have put ALL wedding planning on hold till my husband and I were on the same page with setting boundaries, and having his support in compromising. You need to figure out just how far you will allow your limits to budge (if at all) before you get married. You need to figure out if he is going to be man enough to support you and the well-being of his own family, and not just let his parents run the show. Test him out. If he can’t stand up to them and set healthy boundaries, RUN LIKE THE WIND. He isn’t ready. This will save you lots of misery down the road, and who knows, maybe he will man up and change his ways down the road when he realizes that you are serious about not just dieing to yourself and yielding to everyone else all the time. If he can prove that, great, but don’t walk down that isle till he can do that. Same for guys. It even says in the bible that “A man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife.” It applies to both men and women. You HAVE to be able to communicate and set boundaries, and if they can’t handle it, its not worth the misery. Set yourself free.

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  43. S on July 31, 2014

    The first sixteen years my husband and I were married, I did everything I could to ‘go along and get along’ after seeing very quickly (within weeks) after our wedding what I was up against. I didn’t find out during the wedding preparations like many of you did, because we planned our own wedding, kept it very low key, and made it a surprise. Had we done it the traditional way, I’m sure I would have discovered my MIL’s true nature much sooner. The problem with a truly manipulative mother-in-law is that no matter what you do, it will never be enough. Do not put off dealing with the situation. I shortchanged time with my own family, sacrificed friendships, moved cross country and to some extent, sacrificed my own health in order to try to please my in-laws and not create waves. My advice to anyone who reads this is: if you aren’t yet married and you know what your MIL is like, make sure you and your fiance, partner, have a plan for dealing with her. If your partner isn’t on board now and shows no sign that s/he is even willing to assess the situation, I can tell you it is a very rocky road ahead. If your partner isn’t willing to see the situation for what it is, my advice is to move on, as difficult as that may be. If s/he seems willing to honestly assess the situation, my advice is to seek out an excellent counselor. Not just any counselor, an excellent counselor. Ask around, google, etc. You’ll find one. It’s so important that you and your partner be on the same page about what boundaries to set (I didn’t set any at first), who is going to deliver the message that the boundaries are being erected and who will enforce them (because they WILL be tested). I love my husband with every fiber of my being, but I can honestly say if I knew then what I was going to have to go through, I don’t know if I would have married him. After sixteen years of doing all I could to ‘go along to get along’, my MIL blew up at me over where we were going to spend a holiday. After all those years of crap (I won’t elaborate, you all have lived it), I decided enough was enough. DH (dear husband), was pretty annoyed by this point too, although he bends over backwards to try to please her – to the point that I was taking second fiddle. We went to counseling (some with MIL, FIL and us and some with just us, and some with just her, and some with just her and her husband), where we remain today. DH is slowing realizing that his mother has some serious issues and is probably not going to change. He is getting ready to have a conversation with her, letting her know that the crap needs to stop, otherwise he will have to limit the time he spends with her. As of right now, I spend no time with them, but he and our kids do. I hope this works, because I don’t know how much more I can take. But I don’t want to be a middle-aged woman starting over again with nothing (I’ve been a stay at home mom since the kids were born) and I don’t believe in divorce. So, to all of you who are at the beginning of the road, please, please, please, don’t bury your head in the sand and don’t allow your partner to bury his/her head in the sand. Even though it will likely be SO difficult, deal with it now so you can move on if necessary. The books ‘Toxic In-Laws’, and “A Wife’s Guide to In-Laws’ are both excellent and helpful resources.

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  44. Winchester on August 1, 2014

    I loved finding this blog because I now realize that I’m not crazy and that my MIL is way out of line.

    When I first got with my bf he had a one year old son from a previous relationship and was living with his parents because he was adjusting to being a single parent. About a year into our relationship I ended up not being able to stay in my apartment and my bf and I decided to buy a house together so until we found a house I lived at his parents. We moved into the basement. That’s when it all began.

    I was in the process of doing some online schooling while I was living there and wasnt working much in order to finish it. My MIL would never let me sit down. All she did was order me around and make me clean her house constantly. She would have me run to the store for her 3-5 times a day because she didnt want to get out of her pjs. When my bf would be home she would never ask him to do anything. It was just me all day everyday. I barely had time to do my school. I didnt mind pulling my weight around the house but there has to be some limits.

    When she realized how serious my bf and I were she would say things to me when my bf wasnt around that he doesnt want to have any more kids and that she doesnt want anymore grandkids and everytime I would tell her that my bf and I already discussed it and that is something in our future; yet she would say it to me almost everyday. One day she had the nerve to ask me if I was on birth control. Out of shock I answered and I wasnt at the time not that its any of her business and she proceeded to make me a doctors appointment to get on birth control. She was really beginning to put a damper on my realationship with my bf. He and I would fight about how controlling and overbearing she was. I always told him that if we break up he could thank his mother because I couldnt handle her anymore. Luckily we finally found a house and no longer live with her but it didnt end there.

    She is so obsessed with my bf’s son it’s ridiculous. We live out in the country and if we have to drive to town for anything we have to stop there if we have my bf’s son. And its not just a quick visit, she wont let us leave for hours. All she does is my his son tell her how much he loves her more than anyone else its weird. He also just turned six and when he would go stay the night at her house she would take a bath with him up until like 8 months ago. Even when my bf told her years ago and several times not to she would still take a bath with him. She doesnt listen to anyone. All she does is feed my bf’s son candy and let him sit on the computer all day so he will actually want to go over there. Even when my bf tells her not to give him anymore candy or no more junk food she doesnt listen and does it anyways

    We bought a camper last year and remodeled the inside. The day we finished the camper she went out and bought herself one and then told me how we are going to camp next to eachother all summer. When my bf finally had to tell her we are not spending the summer with her maybe a weekend or two she threw a fit and then cried and still tries to ask me all the time about it.

    This woman is driving me insane and what I just wrote isnt even close to a quarter of the things she does but if I tried to write everything it would take me years. I would just like some help on how to get my bf to put his foot down more and actually stick to it and how to be around my MIL without wanting to punch her.

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  45. JintINTJ on August 2, 2014

    To cut a long story short, my MIL tries to get me in trouble to my husband. She would make up crazy shit, but I have been getting smarter. She is struggling to wrap me up as I also fight back quietly. I will not manipulate my husband, but I will unmask his mother.

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  46. Floss on September 1, 2014

    I am so glad I found this tonight! My MIL is driving me crazy and I thought I was going to have to see a shrink soon!! So glad to have read it. Sorry that we all have to be surrounded by these crazy women!
    Good luck to all

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  47. Sarah on September 1, 2014

    My MIL went off on my parents and insulted both them and my family. All because they asked her if she would be willing to pay half or 70/30 in the wedding. We just got engaged and she already ruined any relationship she could have had with my parents or even me for that matter. She said hurtful things about me and my family and she thinks all she was doing was speaking the truth. My parents don’t want her involved in the wedding at all now and don’t want her even there because she has such a sour attitude about everything. Its just a terrible mess. I really can’t stand my MIL. Hoping it will get better with time. If not I don’t want her anywhere near me! So happy my wedding started this way. Not. she is such a controlling bitch.

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  48. fedup on September 2, 2014

    I thought I was the lucky one in a million, I loved my MIL! She was so nice, funny, easy going, and loving…….and then I had her FIRST grandchild. She was in the delivery room with me, but I never told her to look!! UNCOMFORTABLE!! Let me tell you crazy came out of the closet. Our first night home from the hospital she stayed the night at OUR home, to top it off she stayed the second night as well. Yes, I am to blame a bit, I allowed it. I know a few things about kids, I have 7 siblings, and I’m the oldest girl. My parents were often gone and I took care of them, and am in a way still taking care of them. Now my child is 14 months old and she (MIL)has reached her peak with belittling my husband and I as to accusing me of working over night shifts because I want to, I hate these hours and miss my child more than she will ever know. I recently came back to work full time and am the last hire so I get the crappy hours due to shift bids by seniority. She can not seem to wrap her head around this and now insists that I’m working this job so I can give my family (sister) money. She is right in a way, I work to give my family (husband and daughter) better things in life. I love them and want the best for them. My husband also works, he works for his fathers company. Yep, that’s part of this problem and working on resolving it now. It has gotten to the point when my daughter wants me instead of her she makes rude comments suggesting that my child doesn’t want me because I’m her mom but due to other factors. I have recently found a child care provider to watch my child rather than her while I get some rest during the day. When I told her she stated, Abi (my daughter) doesn’t need to go to daycare but she also didn’t offer to watch her while I slept, I guess I should just stay up 24/7. She tries to drive my husband and I apart by saying suggestively bad things about me, luckily my husband is a very smart man and can see through her attempts and talks to me about them. SHe is constantly trying to compare us to her sister in law who is close to my husband in age, who has 2 elder children with her husband and 1 with another man, her and her husband are still together and do not take the best care of their kids, they drink a lot, and smoke a lot around the kids and they, the adults are the priority in their lives not the children. Abi is the priority in our lives and we take very good care of her. I can honestly say there is not much my child does not have, she may be a little spoiled but its because we both work very hard to make her happy and I thought that is what parents do for their children. My husband and I are new parents and do appreciate the help and opinions she has provided but its time she backs off and lets take the reigns. I want to confront her but don’t want to let her get a rise out of me that would let her think she bothered me. How do I do this effectively without being just as bad she is?

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  49. Mary on September 7, 2014

    I am so happy I found this site. Although I see a therapist is never enough for me to say that this is not fair. I have a crazy ML , and literally crazy. She is depressed and also has OCD and she leaves with us. She will throw clothes out when we go somewhere bc she touched people she washes her hands for like 30 min.She moved in when she was 57 years old and never worked or did anything around the house. At that time my kids were very young too and I had to go to work,, leave work at lunch time make lunch for her and go back to work. And I did this for almost 14 years. She was never happy with me, she didn’t like what I cooked and say words about me that I cant write them here. Now I have come to my senses. I wont come home to only cook for her she can do it herself. I was never appreciated, even from my own husband. She is very sick mentally and her son my husband wont accepted it. She fell and broke her arm and stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks( the best of my life) bc she never goes anywhere and her 2 daughters are like 10 min away from us. Anyway she came home and refused help from anyone even the nurse we hired to care for her. I got mad and told my husband ,, thats it I am not any s..t for her ever. She was supposed to go back for follow up after 1 week and she refused. I wont talk to her I try to hide from so she wont talk to me. She only talks or be nice to me when she needs something. I have been in hell just bc of her and my husband doesn’t understand how manipulative she is. I cant take it anymore she needs to move out of our lives. And I don’t feel guilty anymore. I almost killed myself few months back. I was in rehab and thank God came to my senses. She is not my responsibility, she is is a grown women and she Can take care of herself.

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  50. Jenn on September 24, 2014

    My husband recently cheated and his mom has always believed that he can do no wrong…so what does she do? She blames ME for him cheating! Because obviously he had no other options, right? She says I was too harsh and bossy with him and would not allow him to be the MAN of the house. Well, excuse me, but if you want that title then you must first and foremost ACT like a man!….not a childish boy who can’t control his impulses. I believe there are very few in-laws out there who will ever be truly loved by their child’s partner…I’m just glad I don’t have any children so I will never be that “crazy MIL” to anyone!

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  51. Tashi on September 26, 2014

    So my question is, what did your thereapist say about HIM (your husband/fiance) setting boudaries. Beacause as much as she is manipulative, he is letting her manipulate him. And trust me, if boundaries are not set now marriage and kids will not be easy. I’m curious becaues I need to ensure my husband sets boundaries and I am not sure how to go about doing this. He is very close to his parents. And my MIL treats him like gold but is awful to me. So he does not see her like I see her.

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  52. candice on September 29, 2014

    Been married for almost 3 years,living under the same roof with my inlaws,due to to plenty debts my husband made helping his family ,building them beautiful home nd tking his sisters to bst colleges ,in order fr them to b able one day tke care of themselves nd their parent as well.when I marry my humble husband ws still at school ,yet I find it very difficult at times after moving in with them,I was compared to his sisters abt evrything I hve they must have.my MIL she’s so bossy no one tells her anything even my father inlaws cannot stand her they she so bossing everyone lives around her.my husband does everthing for them including my sister inlaws with their kids.some them working yet they demand him to fund their transport cost to work,he must help with fees fr their children at school,all the authority been given to them my MIL they get everything they want its their brother regardless that m in the picture now,we should b working on building Our future,buying our own house nd etc….
    Whenever she want money once my husband put reason can’t help dat he’s able to help ,m alwys the reason nd victim to b cald names by her nd my sisters inlaws.At frst dey deprived me to b with my family coz m married to her son,I must nt b close to anyone .when we not home she search our bedroom,at time will find her nasty traditional stuff sprinkled on our bedroom floor / wall.I told my husband I cannot stand MIL anymore,in everything she has to me ,I never returnd any evil rather than forgiving her and turning the blind eye on her evil acts tward me nd her son.Early ths year I ws admited to ICU after she attacked me,It ws on sunday when I received bad news I lost my late cousin wife,we were very close she’s was like my biological sister to me.nxt following day I asked my husband to drive with me to meet the family ,when I cum bck. MIL attacked with words”I shuldnt drag her son into my family business,my loss its not theirs nd so much more hurting words”I nver say a word coz of the Goliaths she is,on dat very same week I ws russhed to Hospital where they find that I’ll almost died of heart attack . Few days later she shwd at hospital pretended she’s worried unfortunatly I wanted nuthing to do with her,after I recovered she would mentioned hw she wish I would hve died .I don’t knw wht to do anymore.any help will be much appriciated

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  53. Paige on October 3, 2014

    I am planning a wedding right now and my future mother in law has completely taken over. We got engaged in Paris and she seems to think I want eiffel tower statues all around the venue even after I told her several times no because it doesn’t go with the vintage theme I’m going with. She is helping us quite a bit but my fiancé forgot to mention her ridiculous requests if she gives us this money.
    1. She gets to do a candy bar with colored popcorn (something she knows I don’t want)
    2. We must listen and at least try all her “Pinterest ideas”.
    3. I cannot buy any decorations (even with MY OWN money) without first consulting her.
    4. I will use the flowers she choses and NO baby’s breath (even though she knew I wanted baby’s breath bouquets for the bridesmaids).
    She even has a key to our house! We live an hour away and she will still randomly show up and tell me what a mess our house is or try to tell me what kind of decorating we should do. Keep in mind, all her ideas come from Pinterest. If Pinterest crashed and never came back, my life would be so much easier. She then likes to say things like “oh no we are not ready for babies yet.” Even though I am. The worst part is my fiancé just tells me to “let her live in her fantasy world where she thinks she is the boss” but I cannot handle her bossiness and overbearing psychotic obsession with our relationship.

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