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Alison here. Pretttttyyy pretty stoked about introducing this new series you’re about to experience, and to see it all coming together is nothing short of a dream come true. I hear EVERY DAY from brides with in-law questions and issues, and this series was an inevitability.
Now, I think we all know that there are lovely, kind, wonderful in-laws out there, as well as go-with-the-flow in-laws, and not-very-involved in-laws…. clearly, since in-laws are people, naturally they come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities. And many make a bride’s transition from girlfriend to wife easy breezy beautiful – even delightful in many cases! – and for these types of in-laws we are beyond grateful. They disprove the reigning stigma. Trust me, great in-laws do exist!
Unfortunately, they don’t exist in all cases. Even more, they are hardly the exception to the rule.
Now, without further adieu, I introduce you to Miss S, and her story…
Who am I?
I’m a hard working, chocolate-loving gal who met the love of her life in grad school. I never was the type of girl who daydreamed about her wedding – BUT I saw enough TV shows and heard enough stories to fear having a mean, evil mother-in-law. I promised myself at an early age that I would never, ever let myself marry a guy who had an evil mom…
Fast forward 15 years and here I am with, who I believe to be, the most manipulative mother-in-law on earth. So much for sticking to my promises.
The problem is I didn’t realize how evil she was until after I got engaged. I was happily engaged for exactly 7 days before my world crashed around me in ways I had never thought possible.
My mission is to share my story with the hope of helping my fellow ladies out there who are experiencing similar problems. It can be a depressing and heartbreaking time, but remember you are not alone and you can get through this. If I did, so can you!
And a little more about me - Things I love: chocolate, cabernet sauvignon, salsa dancing, eating good food with good company, traveling with my fiancé, the color whiteThings I hate: Obviously, Mean In-Laws
When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law
I used to describe my future mother-in-law as “controlling” and “overbearing.” Then my fiancé and I met with a therapist who made me realize that she was more than that – she was a manipulator. And thus, what I call a Manipulator-in-Law (“MIL”).
The art of manipulation is mysterious to those more simple-minded folks like me who would never even dream about purposely hurting others for selfish goals. However, dealing with my MIL has helped me see what manipulation looks like in real life and how to wrangle yourself out of it, no matter how painful that process might be. A MIL not only makes you feel personally miserable, but can also ruin the relationship you have with your significant other. Trust me when I say it is important for the survival of your relationship and marriage to deal with the MIL before it is too late.
So you may ask, what does a Manipulator-in-law look like?
A MIL can take many different forms. Mine used the following two methods to manipulate my fiancé (1) money and (2) threats to hate me if my fiancé didn’t do as my MIL insisted. The most telling example of her manipulation is the story of my engagement ring. My fiancé used the money he had saved up throughout the years and sold some of his stock investments to buy me a beautiful engagement ring. He spent months and months looking for the perfect rock for me. Because his bank statements were being sent to my MIL’s home, my MIL found out how much he had spent on my rock… and was absolutely furious at how much he had spent. It is true that he spent way more than the typical rule of spending two or three-months of your annual salary because he based it on his future salary, not his current. Regardless, the point is that my fiancé spent his own money, not his parents so it shouldn’t matter. However, my MIL insisted that the money in my fiancé’s bank account and stock investments were NOT his money for reasons that require an entirely separate blog post on how they used finances to control him. My MIL told my fiancé that she would hate me more and more every time she saw me with that ring. Quite strange that she would hate ME, even though it was my fiancé who picked out the ring, but my MIL knew that my fiancé wanted her to like me so this was her way to manipulate him. She also threatened to not approve the engagement if my fiancé proposed with that ring.
My MIL told my fiancé that the only way she would approve the engagement would be under the following conditions: (1) my fiancé buys a SECOND less expensive ring at a price that my MIL sets, (2) my fiancé proposes to me with this second less expensive ring and (3) my fiancé hands over the FIRST nicer ring to my MIL. My MIL said she would put the first nicer ring in a safe deposit box until she decided that my fiancé was making enough money to afford that ring, and at such time she would return the ring to my fiancé. Crazy huh? Her plan especially makes no sense considering that the main reason she got mad in the first place was because my fiancé had spent a lot of money on the first ring! If she didn’t like how much money he spent, why in the world would she make my fiancé spend even MORE money to buy a second ring? It doesn’t make any sense. My analysis is that it was more than about the money – she wanted to be in control of the entire proposal, and she could not stand the thought of my fiancé giving me such a nice ring and giving so much love to another woman. I joke that my fiancé is probably the only guy who had to buy two engagement rings to propose to one girl.
As crazy at this all sounds, my fiancé, a victim of her manipulation throughout the years, yielded to her demands in an effort to make sure she approved our engagement and continued to like me. But he went along with the plan with an important twist – my fiancé gave me the first ring and gave my MIL the second one. He was able to pull this off by buying a second ring that was on the large side but of lesser quality (and thus able to fit into the budget my MIL had set). I’m surprised my MIL hasn’t gotten the ring she received appraised yet. I can’t wait to see her flip out when she finds out that her little plan didn’t work.
And here’s the worst part – after my fiancé proposed, we called our respective parents to share the happy news. My MIL asks me on the phone, and I quote, “Do you like the ring? My son spent so much time looking for it.” It makes me sick to my stomach that she would ask that question to my face after trying to manipulate the whole situation behind my back.
Looking back, it really amazes me that both my fiancé and I did not realize how manipulative my MIL was until I talked to my therapist. We never thought about using that word “manipulator” to even describe her; we always just described her as overbearing. I guess we were naïve about the whole situation.
So ladies, ask yourself, is your MIL simply overbearing or, in fact, manipulating you and your significant other? Remember, the first step to winning this battle is to recognize that you are in fact being manipulated. And there’s no shame in admitting that you have been the victim of manipulation. It’s not your fault that your MIL is so crazy.
So I’d love to hear from you all. Have you had less than positive experiences with your in-laws? … what has been your experience?
Thanks everyone, it’s so nice to share my story with all of you!
xoxo - Miss S
Label(s): Popular *New*, Real Life Issues, The Bloggistas
kiki on January 5, 2012
Wow, your MIL is extreme… My MIL is an angel, but my mother was very manipulative throughout our wedding planning, so much that we said never mind and had a destination wedding.
Emma on April 28, 2013
My mother in law first made me cry when I’d been dating my now husband for a few months. We lived in different cities and I had a work trip to his city that coincided with his parents anniversary party. He was temporarily living at home so stayed with me in the hotel arranged by work. When we made to leave the party, too early for her liking, she loudly told her friend we had a ‘hotel’ in a way that made me feel like some kind of prostitute. I’d seem her outrageously selfish behaviour on display before this, but had not felt the full brunt of her ultimate dis respect until then.
Other examples if crazy behaviour often included drink and generally involved her screaming at the top of her voice is she felt she wasn’t being listened to on a group situation and storming off. Her husband and children are so broken and beatend down by her behaviour they say nothing. At this stage neither did my husband. She also displays inappropriate physical behaviour like sitting on my husbands knee in public, always dictating the seating plan at dinners (fair enough) and always putting me as far away from him as possible and her next to him.
She was a predictable nightmare during the wedding planning, demanding x y and z friend was invited, insisting she has a brunch with friends we have never met and continually asking if we have written thank you cards to her friends. Ultimately she still believes her son is 10.
I invited her to my hen weekend even though I didn’t want to but thought I should. She called one of my best friends something like ‘fat lipped Annie’ who is comparing about the bill’ and made her cry. She was six months pregnant.
She tried to steal the show at my wedding and made me nearly vomit by spinning me round on the dancefloor to the second song – I repeatedly asked her to let me go and stop but she had an iron grip. I felt awful and eventually escaped by getting off the dancefloor – not where I wanted to be at the beginning of the evening if my wedding. She came over later and asked if I’d ‘calmed down now’ to which I snapped no and said something about her ruining the beginning if the dancing for me. She then said I’d ruined the whole wedding for her so ‘thanks very much’ and created a dramatic scene which someone pulled me out of.
She has never apologised.
Since then 18 months ago, I have lost all respect for her and seen her on a need to basis. I’m already polite. I’m now pregnant and she’s already yelled her opinion about how I shouldn’t find out the sex and so on.
She recently gave my husband an early inheritance of a small pot of money from her own mum (his gran) as we are buying a house and it makes sense to have it now than later. Very kind we thought. After accepting, getting the money was turned into a huge emotional drama where she insinuated that she previously facilitated my husband buying my engagement ring, and also said if we weren’t being given this money we could not have afforded a week holiday we just took which is utter nonsense. She then said she had looked up similar holidays and found we could have got lots for cheaper than we paid. We both work full time manage our money well, I’m utterly flabbergasted that another adult is rude enough to feel they have the right to comment on my life in this way.
I am incredibly nervous about how she will behave around this child. Overall I have no idea why, when my parents just support us and help us out when they can, her objective is to criticise, judge and make our life harder.
I will not discuss finances with her ever again.
lola on January 5, 2012
my MIL’s fun escapades are forever in the blogosphere somewhere, but manipulator in law seems appropriate. she did things like check my husband’s phone bills to see who he was calling (family plan at the time), then accused him of conspiring against her because he talked to other people more than he talked to her. all culminating with an epic argument that got her banned from the wedding because of threats to tell me off at the event.
Sophia on April 1, 2013
This is in response to Lola did banishing you Mil help the situation or make it worse. Because my Step brother did not treat my mom and step dad right during his engament and just came in demanding we accept his fiancé yet he had never had a job my parents paid everything for him including his cellphone bill that was also very expensive! Long story short my mother was lied on by a jealous family member! And step son and FDIL banished her without ever even telling her why! Then it’s been 6 years later and that selfish DIL is shocked none of us like her not even fil and no one will ever trust her! Because she was pissed cause my mom and dad were having finacial problems! That they never even asked about they were just expected to pay! And when mom got sick and when into a diabetic coma! The b$&@$ FDIL accused her of not paying for her flowers like she could help being sick and nearly died. Nether her or stepson even cared about my mother or called to check on her and she had no IDE they were conspiring to humiliate her on the son she had prayed for and lived like her own! Whom was an alcoholic and my mother could have told step dad not my place to raise him or deal with him! He is such a selfish boy not a man. Boy! And she wonders why no one in this family cares about having anything to do with them! Hell if it was me I would never speak to them agian! But no not my mom she has forgave and had them over been nothing but nice! And then the DIL dosent get her way agian she stops talking to my mom and treats her the same way! And I am sick of seeing my mother cry and cry and being disrespected! So we all decided to cut off step brother and stupid DIL From hell who only wanted him cause she wanted my parents money with no questions about what they were doin with it! So now my mother told step dad the kid they have now 7mnths and the one on the way! Are not her grand kids and she is done with their toxic user asses! Who only come around anyway when they want something! She is so much happier! And I or my brother will stand for their disrespect any more! And step dad can let them use him and treat him bad if he wants! But it makes me sick that one person can come and mistreat everyone and act like we did something to her! That is manipulation and not everyone is always going to like each other like tastes, personailty’s whatever but common things like treating people the way you want to be treated! Wow and these two are youth leaders in a Fulltime ministry! If they are Godly examples of Love then no wonder most people do not want be christians! It is sad wrong and vengeance is mine saith The Lord and mom will be vindicated! So when people say manipulator I’m not so sure it’s not the other way around and my mom refused to be manipulated but of course she the crazy MIL! Huh it will all come out cause like my mom said step brother is the one who has to live with her! And she said DIL is capable of the same damage to him! And he will want his family then when he finally sees all the games she plays! So my mom is not her MIL or never will be stepbrothers bio mom is a raging alcoholic who did not raise her 3 sons and never wanted them so let her be MIL oh she will see cause step brother just bought a big house so they will all move in with him and use them like they did my stepdad for years! So he who laughs last laughs the hardest!!!! Ha ha
Daisy on April 2, 2013
Wow… I’m so glad I’m not the only one! Okay… I’ve been with my hubby (we r not married, but I call him that anyway) for 18 years, we have 3 beautiful kids together, and my first impression of her was right on!… Mean, cruel, conniving, backstabbing, very immature, extremely selfish, the list goes on and on… Yesterday she insulted me infront of my kids, whispering into my 4 year old daughters ear (like a child with both hands cupped around her ear… In the grocery store no less), after I told her that my daughter was not to misbehave. My girl won’t tell me what was said… Anyway, on Easter, she invited us over to pick up the kids’ baskets (hubby was working), and she had a friend over (of course… She insults me around people), and then she started bringing up things this woman had no business knowing… But I kept on a happy face… Rewind to my first baby about 10 years ago… We lived 8 hours away, and we were down for Xmas, my little baby boy was crying cause he was out of his routine and a little cranky, so she ripped him out of arms and screamed “give him to me”, so I ran to the room where we were staying in and cried… I told my hubby, but he brushed it off… Then she’s always making comments to me about her son and how much like his Dad he is (yeah okay she did have it a little rough,being a very young mother but that’s not my fault), and then she tells me how to raise my kids (when she never raised her kids… Her mother and every one around this little hamlet did). Fast forward through years of insults, manipulation, borrowing $$, not babysitting her grand kids without having us give her big bucks for a couple of hours, telling us our house is shitty looking (we r renovating our own house… The view is amazing which is why we bought it), really I wouldve moved almost anywhere to get out of her house (I had to go to work, come there, then
make supper, clean the house, then use all of our money for her groceries)… Fast forward… I got offered to be in a fashion show(totally psyched, although I’m not a model), it was so cool, I got a new haircut, dye, makeup and manicure (never done that ever), then she comes over to tell me I look really washed out and sick (my hubby was right there)… But I’m not allowed to get mad because she is his mother and everyone around here is her family and they never say anything to her, so I cried a little in silence (yeah I’m a little sensitive, but I can read people really well). Now she tries to buy the kids’ love with gifts (especially my girl, who is too young to know better), and she plays favorites with her other grandkids… My poor boys 6 & 10 r wondering why she doesn’t seem to love them as much as she loves their sister (yeah… That made me sad and furious)? So I tried to cover up for her… Whatever… She gets so jealous when she sees us doing great… We bought a house and built a new deck… So did she, my hubby bought me an SUV for Xmas… So did she, we bought a trailer to camp with… So did she, we r renovating… So is she, on and on… She is constantly rubbing it in that she is buying new things for her home and garden, a new roof, siding, etc. etc… She isn’t really rude to me unless we r around a group of her family. Oh yeah… She gave her son ( my hubby) a stolen game station(stolen from a little boy)for his birthday! Wow! Then she tried to give me innocent look … “oh I had no idea!” whatever!!! We made her feel like crap, and I told the owner who it was, so obviously the poor kid got it back… Aaahhh! Then she says to me, “I guess I’ll have to go out and buy him a cheap gift hey?”. R u kidding??? More then half of everything she has is stolen or ripped off… I just want to scream! My hubby and I work our a$$e$ off and everything seems to come so easy to her! I believe in karma, but come on… Something has to give! My hubby and I just had a huge fight because it seems I’m the only one who notices anything (I’m a good wife and I’m honest and true to myself)… My parents even notice how FAKE she is, and my 10 year old even says now to me “wow that was rude of Grandma”… It sucks that they see this cause I don’t want them to be involved, but she brings it on herself… I feel so helpless cause I haven’t verbally told her how I feel cause she would be vicious about it, but I have given her the glare… Rolled my eyes, turned my back and I’m not taking it anymore… I told my hubby how I feel, and that maybe someday me and her are gonna have words and it won’t be pretty. Phew… I know she doesn’t seem that bad, but when u can’t live in your home and feel comfortable cause she might storm in at any time (oh yeah… She lives 2 blocks away)… It seems like a losing battle and I love my hubby with every fiber of my being (we r soulmates). I really needed to vent, so thanks for letting me… I could go on and on all day, but my little girl’s awake now, so I’ll just leave it at that… I’m sure I’ll be back soon to vent again. Good luck to all the daughters-in-law… Always stand yr ground and never compromise yr values for anyone! Thanks :)
Daisy on April 4, 2013
So it’s been a few days since the last spat between my MIL and me… And now, no one seems to be talking to me. Her whole family mustve heard what happened (probably by telling them another story), and I was walking into a store and she drove right by me. She looked right at me, then looked away. She dropped my sis in law off, and she wouldn’t even look at me or speak to me. I have no idea what to do because my daughters 5th bday is coming up and I will invite everyone (like I have a choice), but I worry that it’s just gonna turn out bad… With her as the star of attention getting everyones sympathy as usual. I can’t live with this day in and day out, but I’m not leaving my husband and I’m not moving away… She has no right to get me out of here so SHE can move in to OUR dream
house. Should I let it go? Or do I confront her and probably make it worse?
Morgan on January 5, 2012
Yikes! That whole situation sounds like a nightmare! I am so sorry for you and your fiance. It’s stories like these that actually make me feel better for cutting my mother out of my life. She is a master manipulator and after years and years of her horrible behavior I finally said enough is enough and cut the ties. I will admit that now that I am planning my wedding I do have moments where I wish I had a mom to see me through all of this but ultimately, I’m better off. There is almost zero drama and it’s because she is not part of the process. And the best part? My future mother in law is amazing. I definitely lucked out in the in-law department. I wish there was a way she could just adopt me as one of her own but I guess marrying in to the family helps. :)
Good luck with the rest of your planning my dear, sounds like you’re going to need it with this one! :-/
Mindy on January 5, 2012
Wow, I’m so sorry you have to deal with her BS. I kinda feel guilty, because my FMIL is so awesome. She has her moments and so does my own mother but honestly I feel like it has been relatively smooth sailing. BUT I keep waiting for something to happen as we get closer to the wedding.
Good luck with the rest of your planning!
Rebecca on January 5, 2012
I read this an teared up. This IS my Monter-in-law you speak of. She tries relentlesly to control and manipulate every aspect of our life. My now husband of 6 months had not changed his address with the post office and his mail was still going to his parents. She was reading his mail. She through a fit that she found out he didn’t have health insurance at the time(He does now but he had just started a new job and it took 3 months before he qualified). She called to tell me I needed to insure him through my company and that she had gotten into our bank account and knew we could afford it. She sells car insurance and our insurance is through her company. She changed our policy to what she felt we needed and didn’t need. We are in our late 20′s, I am a paramedic and my husband is a firefighter…we can manage our own finances. She tried to rule every single piece of our wedding. I found out early on she was in touch with the wedding planner(My family paid for our wedding, she refused to help pay) and she was changing plans behind my back. She told me the wedding invitations were ugly and that she would pick me new ones that looked nicer. She tried to change our monogram because she didn’t like that it used the names Mike and Becca instead of Michael and Rebecca. She hated the colors and decorations I picked and told me that she would decorate our wedding so I didn’t end up imbarrased(She has extremely tacky taste, her home is decorated with walmart decor). We wanted to have my work partner make our wedding cake because she makes gorgeous wedding cakes. My monster in law said we needed a real cake not a homemade cake(which I felt was rude). These are just a few of the many things she did that ultimatly ruined our wedding. We ended up having an immediate family wedding(We were so miserable and hurt over our big wedding that we called it off and tried to elope, which she found out about and told my husband she would never speak to him again).
Just recently she told me I didn’t love my husband because I could not get off work on Christmas Eve(I purposefully forgot to get the shift off in order to avoid her). I work on a 911 ambulance and as we all know 911 is a 24/7 operation. She said I am the problem. Then when I lost my temper on her she spun it around and told everyone how mean I am. I could go on with this for days. She was so wonderful until about a week after we got engaged……
Roz on March 6, 2013
Bless your heart. I have a future MIL …. Set your bounderies!!!!!! IT IS A MUST … xo
Lena on January 5, 2012
Oye. Reading this post and some of the responses is just so sad; why would anyone waste so much time and energy? Just watch, this’ll all come to bite me in the ass in due time…
Maire on January 6, 2012
When I hear stories like this one of the first things I think of is how miserable those manipulative people must be. What a terrible existence, to spend your life behaving like that. Maybe the reason they try to sow the seeds of misery in other people’s lives is because that’s the only thing they are capable of feeling. I can’t say that makes me pity the manipulators. They seem to have such hate-filled lives, so I feel less obligated to despise them because they are doing enough despising and self-loathing for the both of us. And then some.
Libby on January 6, 2012
EEK! This is really sad. When I was a senior in high school I had a teacher tell our class that when you marry a person, you don’t just marry that person you marry their family. At the time I was like, I’m a senior in high school. I just want to go to college and make out with hot college guys, I’m not going to marry anyone’s family! Flash forward to today and I’m remember that advice everyday. My husband’s mom is not my mother too. And his brother is my brother as well. It’s a huge adjustment and one of the hardest part of marriage, I think. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have the added stress of manipulation. But it sounds like you’re dealing with it well. I wish you all the best and thanks for sharing your story.
Jeniffer on January 6, 2012
I feel so bad for you! I did t have a problem with my mil but with hi sister! Everything was good before we got engaged as then she started! First she didnt want to make our engagement dinner because she wanted to go away w her friends instead. That kinda hurt since they were so close an I thought we were too. But I let it go. Then she made fun of the bridesmaid dress and then she decides because she just broke up w her bf and doesn’t have a date that she would be bring some friend w her instead. She decides to tell my fiancé that and didn’t even ask me but instead just tells me during a party. This would be ok if we weren’t already at copacity an I was web askingy my mom to please cut her friend list. When I asked my fiancé to please ask her if she could not brig a friend considering she knows everyone in the wedding I thought that would be a problem. Well it was. She made a huge deal yelled and started fighting w my f and then later caused me and my fiancé fight about it too. She thn cont getting worse. During the bachelor party once again I asked her not to bring all her friends since we had a small reserved table and we were trying to keep it personal. Again, she told me, didn’t ask, that she was bein a friend. Se then later told my fiancé that we were mean to we and picking on her that night. Which was not true. Just tried to make us fight again. Then when I thought it was finally over , for the day I my wedding, when it was time for the farer of the bride dance and our solo dance, my SIL decides that she wants a solo dance too!!! Before I an dance w my dad she requests her own dance w my fiancé! I was totally thrown and couldn’t believe what was going on! Who does that?! People after the daykept asking if she was Ill or dying or what was the reason for it! Now I will never look at her the same way. Info course cut that part out oft album and video. Why would I want to remember such a horrible moment!
She caused so many fights bwtween me and my Good luck to all of you! Hope it gets better.
Justine on January 6, 2012
I used to work for a wedding magazine, so I read countless stories about girls with terrible MIL’s. (Yours, however, just might take the cake. That lady be CRAZY.) It makes me feel SO fortunate to know that even though my mother-in-law can be difficult, she isn’t evil. It’s nice to know that you and your husband are on the same page and same team!
Christina on January 6, 2012
Nice to know I’m not alone. My mother-in-law was quite manipulating as well. Basically, she disapproved of how much money WE were spending on our wedding that she opted not to participate in the planning at all–after she tried to persuade us to have a cheaper wedding at the places she deemed were satisfactory. I repeat, she did not help out at all throughout the 1.5 years of planning. You’d think it’d be a big event because this was the first child in her family to get married, and we had dated for 11 years beforehand (yeah, high school sweethearts).
Furthermore, it’s customary in Vietnamese weddings for the groom’s parents to buy their future daughter-in-law jewellery for the tea ceremony. She told my husband and me to pick something out that we like and purchase it. When we did and she saw what it was, she made him return it, again, for something SHE liked better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the gift, but why tell me to pick it out if she’s just going to make me return it again?
There are so many other manipulative and controlling things that she did at the start of the planning (i.e. buy a different traditional Vietnamese wedding gown than the one I picked out for myself and for my bridesmaids, when she went to pick them up for me), that it caused a rift between us. Not only that, she caused a rift in the relationship she had with her son.
Things are still kind of tense between us, but I have learned to try to let the hurtful things she says go. I just chalk it up to her being slightly crazy…
Ann on January 17, 2012
This is absolutely stunning! The hints of gold and the neutrals are to die for. And I definitely will be wanting sequins tossed at my wedding!
Lizzie B on January 17, 2012
Um, WHAT. THE. EFF. Srsly. How has he not sat down with his mother and discussed, calming and rationally, the fact that she is crazeballs? I’m really, really hoping his mother is no longer reading his bank statements – and I really hope for her sake she wasn’t opening them, because that’s illegal :)
I am really happy that you and FH are going to therapy, because you both sound like you need extra strength to deal with her. He is enabling her behaviour by giving in to her, and that wasn’t the best move in these situations. By acquiescing, he’s letting her know that he will bend to her wishes and put her first instead of you – and it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. In fact, having to deceive his mother is probably dwelling on him mind, even if she might deserve it.
Honestly, I think your FH needs to have a big heart to heart with his mother, where he explains that she cannot dictate to him the way he runs his life, his engagement to you, the wedding or his married life. You are the most important woman in his life, not his mother. And if she can’t see that, ask her if her husband should put his mother before her.
If that doesn’t work, have her committed, because that is some serious cray-cray.
Rogue Bride on January 29, 2012
Lizzie B. Thank You for saving me the trouble of posting what I think because you’re absolutely right. Horrible in-laws don’t happen in a vacuum. They happen when sons or daughters aren’t mature enough to separate themselves from their parents and form their own, sane, respectful, loving, families with their new spouses. If a MIL mistreats a spouse, the other spouse has a responsibility to stand up to her! Or even disown her. Ultimately, you can’t allow anyone to damage your relationship, not even mothers.
Yes, I’m blessed with an amazing future MIL. But you know why? Because it was part of my criteria for the man I wanted to marry! He had to be tall, smart, good looking, financially independent, and from a nice family – and that last part is so important. You marry the family too.
Michelle on October 2, 2012
To all future brides, yes watch out for the MIL, my husband and I have been married for 25 years and it has been hard from the beginning. She manipulates everyone with suddenly feeling ill or tantrums. I have finally in the last 2 years said enough, I am not going to tolerate this anymore. It started in the planning for our wedding, first we had our daughter, almost two years earlier, she felt I was trapping him. I chose not to ask for child support and he could see her when he wanted. We did live together after when our daughter turned 18 months old. My MIL did everything to change our wedding as we were in FL at the time (he was in the Navy) wedding in NY. She 1st started about my dress a) I shouldn’t wear white or ivory as I was not a virgin, really she had my husband and his twin brother at 16 and wore a white dress at her wedding. 2) She felt I was spending too much on my dress, I was paying for it, at the time I made a lot more money than my husband 3) She changed my bridesmaids dresses (Style & Color) to her favorite color 4) She added people to our bridal party that I did not know ie. Junior Bridesmaids 5) She changed the wedding date to what was as she said “More convenient for her”. Now we were marrying while he could take leave while being transferred to another base in NY and on a two week deadline to find housing along with the wedding. That was it for me, I said “We are not getting married and will continue living in sin”. My husband and I finally eloped as his Dad also thought it was funny to say he might not sign our marriage license for NY, at the time you had to be 21 years old and my husband was 20. We eloped with a few family members and good friends and it was great. She refused to talk to him for 2 weeks. So then she wanted to give us a reception so we agreed. One of our gifts from a friend of my husband’s Mom made beautiful cakes and did not have money for a gift. She asked if she could do our cake and I said yes. We sat down and told her our colors and what we wanted with a Bride and Groom on top. Well when we were introduced and I walked in with my husband I see what is the Wedding Cake and my MIL went behind my back and changed everything to her colors and flowers on top no Bride & Groom since we did not have a real wedding. My husband knew this but he did not tell me beforehand as he knew I would be upset. To say the least I was pissed. Fast forward had our 2nd daughter and she had one of her “migraines” and was supposed to pick me up from the hospital, didn’t happen finally his Dad left work and came, I had been sitting in a wheelchair for 2 hours with a baby. Then she demands that our daughter be up in her room which is in total blackout and I said no, if you want to see her then get better. She did within hours. Fast forward two years our son is born, I had to be on bed rest for 2 months due to complications, they finally had to pull my husband off his submarine in the middle of the ocean due to more complications. When our son was born he was not doing good and our doctor said he might not make it through the night, his Mom wanted to come down, I said no this is hard and I don’t need her here with her drama. My husband and FIL respected this. Our son made it, we took him home 2 weeks later from the NICU. He is now a strapping young man of 22 years old in the Navy. Sadly on Jan. 3, 2005 when we lived in Chicago our middle daughter and I were home and she went into cardiac arrest, I and the medical profession did everything but she passed away at the age of 16yrs old. We were doing everything just to make it through this situation and again my MIL complain when she saw that our daughter was in a NY Yankees Uniform, she was a true fan and she and her Dad flew to NYC for a game for her Sweet 16. My MIL kept at us to put Jessica in a dress, the only time Jess wore a dress was for Homecoming. In my stupor I finally put my foot down and said that is what she is wearing. Then she threw a fit when we also told her we were not having a funeral in NY for her family members who could not make it to Chicago, that we were not burying Jess in NY, and finally that Jess had decided on Cremation if something happened to her, she was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 4 yrs old and then Type 1 Diabetes at 12 yrs old. I did not talk to my MIL for a year after our daughter’s funeral. My husband then took a job to get us closer to family back in NY and she keeps up the manipulation, having parties at my house and telling me the day of the party what was going on, so here I am now and my SIL is getting married at 37 and my MIL has turned into Momzilla and I have taken a stand that I am just a guest, my husband is a Groomsman, and I am not going to tolerate her behavior, she has gone so far as to have family on FB post messages trying to make me feel ashamed of me acting like a guest, I am hands-off as this wedding is turning into a trainwreck and I don’t want anything to do with it. Thankfully my husband has stood up to her and told her to leave me alone and for her to grow-up. She has tried even to say what I can wear to the Wedding and Reception, I am a Professional and I know how to dress, I do plan on changing for the reception to a very nice one shoulder pantsuit with Palazzo pants. So for all of you here who have a difficult MIL take a stand and do it early because if not yes it can cause problems in your marriage and you should be your own person and let the other be the miserable person they want to be for their life.
Jenna on October 7, 2012
I am not sure where to start, i also have a mother in law from hell and a first class manipulator. I have only been married two months and my husband jumps over backwards just to please her, and constantly betrays me by going behind my back after saying he wont allow her to constantly hurt me anymore. I have known my husband on/off for 10 years, dated for 2 years, and married for just 2 months and i am already looking to get the marriage annuled or divorced. Since the beginning i have been told i am not good enough for her precious son, i have been asked to show my bank statements, (my dad bought me a new car, well that was it, a full blown investigation was made by her, of how i could afford it, who paid for it, why did i need a new car) i’ve been called a gold digger, because i dont pay towards my husbands mortgage as i am at university and soon to qualify within the nhs (so not like im just sat on my back side all day) i try to help when i have my small bursary for groceries, but a large amount of my money goes on diesiel as when moving away from my dads to live with my then fiance, i took on a massive commute of 1.45 hour trip one way to uni. My bra wire got stuck in the washing machine at my husbands house, and we had to get a new one, he told his mummy and she hit the roof, saying how i had broken it on purpose and get her (meaning me) to buy a new one. Before putting the house up for sale he had to go and run it over with his mum first who told him he was being ridiculous and he didnt need to sell. He is 31 |!! My husband showed my mil my engagement ring, she tried it on, asked how much it was, said he shouldnt of paid for such an expensive ring (i may add it wasnt even two months salary, not that i am ungrateful but im just saying it wasnt like in the first story) and then tried to take my ring away so he couldnt propose. After he got my ring back and proposed my life went from crap to worse straight away, i had diet books chucked at me, family dinners always had snide remarks about me having to have smaller portions and taking cake away from me and handing it to everyone else. I am a big girl, and she is very slim and so is his sister, who only got married about 2 years before us, so i got the digs about how wonderful she looked because she was slim. I got digs about wanting a fairy tale large gown because of my shape, i had the mick taken right out of me because i am a horsey person and wanted a horse and carriage. She had told him how much she wanted us to get married in a particular church, i didnt know this until we had paid for it, then he had the evening at the golf club where him and his dad played, so its not like i had much choice in the day. Every effort i tried with my wedding got laughed at, and everything i did wasnt good enough. My invites (which i designed) were told to be too fussy and informed my husband that she would do the evenings ones in a different style, i obviously refused. Anyway time goes on, and more abuse about the day, i end up having a large operation, me and my husband have a row over him being silly and making our dog jump all over my stomach where i have open wounds and in large amounts of pain, so i go to bed feeling quite miffed. He updates facebook to say he had been silly, and his sister comments completely slandering me, and saying how sorry she feels for him. So a massive fight starts as i tell him im not taking it anymore, it all comes out that they hate me, begrudge giving me any christmas or birthday presents (after i had just spent christmas supporting her with a miscarriage) and cleaning his mums house for the arrival of her to spend christmas together (without a thank you from the mil). Anyhow this was 2 days after my operation and then being so run down i got painful shingles. Months go on and it comes upto the wedding, the mil has invited some people who i have met once and treat me with the same disrespect as the mil does. I didnt ask them, neither had my husband, but we get a rsvp to say they would love to come. I txt the mil telling her its my wedding, she has had her wedding and not to disrespect me by inviting who she pleases. There honestly wouldnt of been a problem if she had just asked if they could come to the evening. Anyhow aparently my husband talks to her and tells her they cant come. On my wedding day, they sure turned up to the evening., and they ended up coming to the church and taking loads of pictures, the mil even invited them into the church. I didnt see them at the church but was hurt when receiving my professional pictures to see them there with the mil all smiles. My husband had seen them at the church and still didnt even ask them to leave our evening. Even my wedding day has her input and she tramples all over my feelings.So that was the last straw for me, my life will never change because it seems my husband cannot restrain from his mothers controlling behaviour or her purse strings. My husband tells me that the mil had an awful mil who hated her, and it seems now i am being punished for her miserable life. I have tried to sit down and talk to her, had numerous phone calls, my parents have spoken to her and she blames it on mine and my husbands rows and arguements, and never takes responsibility for her actions, i could tell her til im blue in the face how she manipulates me and my husband, but she would just brush it off. I have tried to cut her out, but my husband makes me then feel guilty for spending time with my family. Christmas organising is awkward and im constantly made out to be the bad guy. I just wished i was strong enough to walk away all these months ago before it was too late. I would really appreciate some advice if anyone has any. (a truly devistated newly married wife, whose life is being made a living hell).
A on October 28, 2012
As a newlywed who also has a difficult MIL, I would like to share a blog post that I found really eye-opening. It’s actually directed at men on how they should deal with their mothers, but that relationship is what is really at the heart of your MIL’s problems. I found it very informative and I’m probably going to show my husband at some point when I get up the courage.
http://artofmanliness.com/2011/01/12/blow-up-your-relationship-with-your-mother-and-get-one-step-closer-to-being-the-man-you-want-to-be/
Basically, if your MIL is difficult, there is a very good chance it’s not about you at all….but about her and her son.
Loveline on October 29, 2012
Well Jenna, I agree with you when you say “I just wished i was strong enough to walk away all these months ago before it was too late” i say that to myself everyday. But i love my husband so much that i beleived that we would be able to deal with the situation together and eveyone would know where we stand….sadly that was not to be. For me the signs have always been there. My first encounter with the inlaws, was when i received an anonymous message from my husbands family telling me how much they did not want me in their family and they were going to “fight me”. My husband ( then boyfriend) believed that it was probably a distant relative who was just playing a joke and asked me not to take the insults seriously, i actually beleived that and hid all those emptions in a can. We got married and while preparting for the first part of the wedding which was to be held at my parents house , his mother told him not to be involved in the preparations and he ended up having to lie to his mother about his whereabouts so that he would not upset his mother. Christmas, his family just pitched with no prior arrangements and had to hear abour how our house was small and cannot accomodate everyone. There are family occassions i am misinformed about or not even told about anything and only my husband would be invited. What is amazing is that the attitude is only towards me. My husbands brother is engages and the fiance seems to know a whole lot more than i do, she would be at the family gatherings being the helpful, loving daughter in law. My final straw was when the second part of the wedding has to be prepared by husbands family and was not informed about the arrangements, i was only told about the date of the event. This is all in 1 year of marriage but have had enough to a point where i am considering leaving my husband because i have lost my patience with him being able to resolve this issue. Whats sad is evertime he asks his mother…his mother would tell me that there is nothing wrong and she has nothing against me. I believe i deserve a peace of mind and want to bring up my child in such an enviroment. I have been advised to confront her but I know what i am going to hear….”there is nothing like that”. I would appreciate anyones advise.
Geli on October 30, 2012
My soon to be mother in law is making me crazy. We have been engaged for 6 months now. My family was involved in the picking out my ring and the proposal. He even had it recorded. I do not believe she has even seen it. She has not even asked to see my engagement ring. She already had it out for me when we got engaged. ‘I’m taking away her son’ were her words exactly. She is very jealous and must be center of attention. If he does something for me, such as simply kissing my forehead, she asks ‘Where are my kisses?’ She has succeeded in turning a few members of his family that I have never met against me. She has also succeeded in having him push the wedding date back a couple of times. She has tried to turn me against him and him against me. ‘Is that the type of person you want to mary?’ has been said by her a couple of times. We cannot even mention wedding planning around her becasue she gets upset. My Fiance loves his mother and has always tried to help her. She has now put herself in a position in which she is currently not working (due to an exaggerated medical condition) and is living with a friend. He has mentioned the thought of having her live with us. I disagree, and now we continue to argue over it. I don’t know what to do. My fiance wants things to get better as do I, but I do not see that happening if she moves in with us. Help!
l. on November 8, 2012
I’ve been worth my partner 8 1/2 yrs two children.. will get married once I qualify from uni. MIL from hell :( I don’t know wat to do anymore she’s turning my life.. first comment I can remember I was 16; u dress up every day don’t u Louise Louise (with a look on her face trying tp humiliated me) I noticed back then she was very controlling her family n made thelse odd comments but only occasionally. of she fell out with her husband my partner n his siblings didn’t talk to him questions wouldn’t b asked they’d jus sidea with her. I noticed then she used sympathy vote to gain control. I had my first cold 3 1/2 years in and suffered severe postnatal depression.. she pretended she dint know n took over wIth my child.. she gets a kick now out of showing me how much my child adores her n she is favourite she has made comments such as well shed live with me if she could our child. she always undermined me as a parent and spoily my daughter rotten at every opportunity. I accidentally called her mid flow slaggin her off about spoiling my daughter n deliberately Buyinn everythin.. I felt awful I Told my partner straight away. I asked her for lunch n was talkin about my dad’s gf to try n make her think that’s who I was talkin about on phone.. hines sight I should have been honest then :( she made comments all time about me n my partner goin out both friends as we r parents now (her n her husband had no life Wat so ever) back then I was under her control to I wanted her to like me n the family so I jus use to let her get away with all of it n some times she was so nice n lovely to talk to. I .. repeat I suggested a family holiday n we all went away together well it jus escurated then.. she was vile she made comments like a girl always has to try with the sons family after I was tellin her my partner got on with my family.. she was all over my daughter like a rash n made me feel inadequate n shit n inflow from her snidy looks it was on purpose 100s ofr other things.. wen we got back I discovered I was pregnant me n my partner had then been together 7 years wen he went to tell hos parents his dad’s wrods oh god r u ok. wen I seen his mom she was like I knew u were n was blatantly miffed we hadn’t told here we were trying.. she continued her horribleness n I hormonal flipped n bit back I am not proud of myself but yes I snapped back she then started makin her family think I was jealous of my partners sister (totally not true) although I admit wen ages goin on about her I look uncomfortable but it’s because unknown she’s doin it on purpose cus then infront of her husband she will belittle her n maked out she’s doin it for my sake.. BODY language gives away so much with thisnwoman n I know it’s for my benefit. she was rude temperamental but always snidly so no one notices. wen I had my daughter she came round n was like oh god she’s pale.. n I panicked n was like is she (rem I had postnatal depression with first) o no it’s all ur fake tan. we go for family meals n I can tense the atmosphere his brother who infuse round gte on with had previously told me they think I spend all Pfizer my partners money which is crap! !! so this is only a pinch in the ocean to wat it’s like. I went other with her n confronted her told her I’m probably Been paranoidbut I feel like she says things to hurtle n wind me up. I started crying cus it was a relief to get it out. she disregarded everything I said n told me I was paranoid n she thought we were gettin along… she then went to the toilet n came back crying I actually think she made herself on purpose.. (hos dad is dying n he is lovely n I felt really sorry for her n wanted to sort everything out n us all be happy family) she told me she was glad that I had asked her n we left after talkin about various things. wen I dropped her off she asked me if I wanted to come in I said no n left asI had to collect my cousin. she wentnin n cried all night to his siblings n father she made out I had bullied her. his dad called in the morning goin mad so my partner who always acts like he’s obobvious went down n asked wat she was doin they nicknamed me little miss drama.. they then all hate me n she achieved makin them think I’m the bully my partner vowed to stay out if it n told me he thought her behaviour was odd. wen we were at meals I got digs gorgeous leaving my 2 month old baby in her car seat at table while we eat.. n the on Christmasdayshe sat me on known with baby in living room luckily my daughter sat with n said she wanted to wat with me n my parter did she looked like she was goin to cry her plani back fired so she came back in makin her remarks about baby in car seat my partner said babysit fine stop I was so happy he done that. millions more things she gets jealous of me n my partner doin thibgs together she makes comments overtime I see her she takes over with my cjldrwn n spoils them rotten trys to make me feel as shit as a mom as she can . it goes on n on b now it’s two the point where I feel depressed n I hate her n the whole family pick on me with lil comments prob looks n laughs I feel like curling up n this sick goin to be my life she makes everyone feel sorry for her n it’s not jus me she has been mean to his brothers girlfriend apparently his bros gf is a pleaser heaven forbid anyone be softer than her or nicer so she Tels her husband she’s a pleaser n she doesn’t like me or her being friends.. I wish I could get everything out but I’ve already been typing forever :’( help me with any advice please I feel so trapped n alone as my partner clearly is controlled so much bybhis mother he can’t see it
Francia on November 21, 2012
I feel sorry for you..Or should i say for both of us..actually i have the same problem with my mother in law..I am married to her son for 8yrs. now and i tried everything that they will accept me as part of the family..so for all those years all i did was accept everything even its already out of my limits..she is trying everything to control my family..there are times that she cut the hair of my daugther without saying anything to me..she is aways jealous of my parents..when the fact that my kids dont see my parents that much because we are very far and it’s too expensive to travel…for so long i dont have any idea that she is trying to manipulate my family..and she is always saying things if her son is not around us..to make me feel really guilty of everything..that the fact i haven’t done anything at all..
Every summer my kids are with her..i bring my kids to her house and spend summer with her for 2 weeks..everytime she asked something i am always there…but lately just last week..the kids are on vacation for 2 weeks..and she asked her son if the kids can travel alone by plane going to her house..my kids are only 6 and 9 yrs. old..and when i say no to her request she makes a big drama and everyone thinks that its my fault that she feels sad..i told her i cant let my kids alone traveling just like that..i told her that she is asking too much …my parents never see my kids..my father’s dead without knowing my kids..because every holiday it’s always been my husband side…now i am trying my best to stay away from her..and i told that to my husband already..if he can’t solve the problem with his manipulating mother.. i will file a case against her..
I hope that both of us can find the courage to solve this kind of problem and fight these kinds of manipulators..because they will eat us alive and destroy our souls…
Francia on November 21, 2012
Emotional manipulators get extra marks for subtlety. A patronizing, mind-f**ker can bend and twist and warp but somehow after a period of time they set off the ol’ bullshit meter. An emotional manipulator is smoother. You’ll have to adjust the sensitivity of your bullshit meter to escape unscathed. What is emotional manipulation? Well, emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain ol’ screw you over. If the emotional blackmailer is any good, he’ll be having you offering to bend over and be effed one more time, “anything you want dear.” Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that bullshit meter and safeguard against possible attack.
There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!
Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious – the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus. Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous. If you are in it – walk away and never look back. Make it a rule!
Daisy on April 4, 2013
I knew I wasn’t imagining it all!!! Thank you for this plethora of info… She has a name (emotional manipulator!). It’s refreshing to see all the points u have mentioned have been very true in my case! Thank you thank u! I couldn’t put it into words before without crying ( all the things that have happened, and then second guessing myself), so it’s great to find a way to maybe deal with her, or even beat her at her own game. I think I’ll watch ‘Monster-in-law’ today too… I’ll make a point to maybe carry around a notebook (classic!! And I love it! Hahaha), and I’m gonna print off the info u gave to read everyday and keep it all in my head (if u don’t mind), and it’ll help to know it’s NOT my imagination or that I’m just paranoid! Thanks again… I’ll try to stay posted to update y’all!
l. on November 8, 2012
sorry all typos it’s predicti’ve text changing things wen I’ve wrbitten them x
Francia on November 21, 2012
I think we just have to really put our own rules in place also..and be strong to say NO is NO..i am trying also my best to fight my manipulator mother in law..it’s hard because i am used to respecting elders..the education of my mother is always in my head…but if the parents of my husband don’t respect me as i am…I think its time for me to do something..not for me but for my kids..
Emotionally i am having problem..if i am around my mother in law i dont feel well..and i think she know’s it; she uses my weakness to manipulate me…
Kushua on November 28, 2012
Wow…Really. I have the best man I could imagine being engaged too. We love each other so. We both have prayed and have been taking the relationship slow and goung to premarital counseling. She tells him every day. I am not for him. When he told her he lived me and was going to marry me. She tried I was not Godly because I had been devorced yet my ex walked away frim me and committed adultry. That did not work. She went for he is inlove with the idea of marring me not me. She even went as far as telling him to marry his brother’s son to be ex wife. She was already part of the family that I had to luve up too. MIL manipulation!! OH yah! Guilt any ways she can. She has my man frusterated and myself in tears and starting to believe I am not good enoigh. Sad thing is he is 55. I am 50…a mother and grandmother. She runs his money, tells him when to be home, if he can go out and uf he can stay away over night. He has a curfew. Lost and broken. We want to run off and get married. Help
Amanda on November 30, 2012
Wow…I read this and im sorry you had to go threw that. Me and my fiancee have been together for two years and our wedding isn’t for a couple of years yet and already his family is a living nightmare. Me and my fiancee live with his Mon and brother. I regret moving in everyday. When I moved in I had a good paying job and took care if myself. My mother in law gave me this story of how she has fibromialga and how difficult it is. I have a stepmother with this also so I understood. Things where going great till I list my job. Then things started to go down hill. I got another job and things where ok. I was helping out as much as I could but it was never enough. She started asking my fiancee to talk to ne bout giving her more money when I was the only one helping out so I tried to find another high paying job to keep up. It still wasn’t enough. I then come to find out I was paying for her smoking habit. That didn’t settle well. I told my fiancee I wasn’t doing it anymore. Then I got another job with higher pay. I give her as much as I can manage but its not enough. I lay in bed all the time and listen to her and my brother in law talk about how much of a burden I am and how I dont do enough and they wish I would just disappear. I talked to my fiancee about how I felt and he just told me to let it go. Another thing is my mil treats my fiancee like crap. It seems he is only good enough if he has money or to fix something. And her other son can do no wrong. It puts my fiancee down so low its almost dangerous. We both suffer from depression and have to stablize it with meds but its not enough. I use to be so happy and even my family even sees how miserable I am. My mil even talks down on my family and that’s a huge no no for me. Me and my fiancee have talked about getting our own place but the money just isn’t there. So I cant escape. Friends of ours have even told me that my mil calls me names and says I’m worthless. She always needs to know how much I get paid and what I’m buying. She expects me to clean the whole house and get her a car and pay the bills. I can’t keep up and .ow I’m so far in debt its unbearable. There are days I just wanna walk away and keep going and save myself but I love my fiancee to much to leave. She has ruined me and my relationship. I have become so cold and bitter and that’s not me. I cane even go to work without this cuz my brother in law works with me and she is there every night telling me how to do my job. (im a supervisor for a reason) I can’t do this anymore. But i don’t know what to do. It’s almost driving me to suicide cuz I figure what’s the point if ill never be happy. I never get a break. I try so hard to make them happy but they just want more. Please I need advice!! Thank you.
Tiffany on December 12, 2012
I feel for you sweetie. You seem young, but that just might be an assumption, but I’d like to offer the insight I see from your post. Your MIL sounds horrible first off. I think I have more of a warning than anything, but here it goes: she depends on you and your fiancé for money, YOUR money, nothing she’s owed FYI. Because of her, neither of you can save enough to move out, exactly what she wants. So she demands more and more of you both. This isn’t a loving person, but someone who’s very selfish and codependent. She wants to keep anyone in her life as miserable as she is. So, she talks about you badly when you can hear and continues to demand more of you both, emotionally and financially. You need to get out of her house ASAP. If you and your fiancé really love each other, you’ll do this because its killing you both. Depression isn’t something to take lightly, and don’t think she isn’t a huge instigator of it. Take care of you and your fiancé first, her last and get out of there. If he defends her blindly, I hate to say it, but you might have to move on. He’s poisoned by her and its stuck. Sorry, if the last part hurts, but you are suffering along with miserable people, and there’s no need to. All the best. Hope some part of this helps at least.
Tiffany on December 12, 2012
Yep, Monster in law here too. Mine is sadly manipulative, delusional, and down right ignorantly mean. I just now tried to ask my husband how he sees his relationship with her, so I could maybe try for that experience myself. He said, it depends on the exact moment when he’s around her. We don’t know if she’s going to be ‘chill’, which is a new thing since she’s gotten older, but its nothing consistent. Or if she’ll morph into critiscm, telling us how to do everything, even though she’s not well read, or knowledgeable about anything she’s talking about. Or if she’ll be manipulative and try to guilt us into doing things. One meal with her, it was going great, we got her chiller version and I was actually enjoying dinner. Then right towards the end, she hands me a beautiful necklace with some saints charms on it. I was really appreciative of this (first) motherly act of hers. Then she follows it up with, ‘Oh and don’t be worried if you’re not pregnant yet, my mom was told to have a glass of wine in the evening to loosen up. These charms should help heal you. (Read: help you get knocked up)’ then went on to intone about how family would bug her that she wasnt pregnant right after her wedding, and having a baby 9 mo after. (She did have my husband when she was 21 and still in college however). But for me to just have wine. I wasn’t sure what had just happened. She tried to be sweet, then squashed it by bringing up that we don’t have babies yet. I get it, but damn b* tch! Back off! I was really upset when we got in the car. I didn’t realize how much she’d affected me. I ended up writing her an email to explain why I was hurt, explaining I have medical problems that might not result in a natural child, but that we are keeping our options of adoption open, just in case. Oh, and that she needs to back off, because we haven’t even been trying. She does stuff like this all the time, you think you’re bonding and then wham! She says something to make you feel bad or guilty. This was perhaps the 5th emotional slap in the face she’s done to me, this was the last, and I was done with her after this. (One of the others: she proceeded to berate me on a point she knew nothing about in front of family I’d just met that night, and w/o my hubby present, it was just me alone to fend for myself with this evil woman. Needless to say, her family wasnt impressed by her antics and most felt bad for me) None of her sons enjoy her company, they all complain about her constantly and avoid her at all costs. She only gets to see her middle son all the time because she controls him financially, and he’s a loser and lazy, so he does nothing to stop this f’d up relationship she’s created. I hate this, I had a great realationship with my own mom, who’s passed away sadly, so all I have is her. I’d rather have nothing than this Monster who has sons who have suffered due to her ignorance and stubbornness. Oh, and the piece de resistance: she has a masters in child psychology. Haha, yeah, she’s the 2nd person I’ve known with that degree who was so messed up, I wouldn’t trust my own child with them. I cope, by only seeing her on our own terms, and I hate phone calls, so that’s rather easy, and basically ignoring her most of the time. Honestly, this old dog isn’t ever going to get a clue and get herself help. She’s like this until she’s buried.
Veronique on December 18, 2012
My mother-in-law would have been a nightmare in my life if my husband and I had not cut her off at the overpass as it is she is an annoyance. When we initially began dating she felt compelled to ‘fix me’. I am into fashion but wear fairly muted colours and never wear nail polish or tons of make-up. Her style and mine are worlds apart. After my polite refusal to wear the pink fuzzy things she bought me and put on the nail polish she put in Christmas socks for me she moved on to trying to decorate our apartment. That also failed as my husband grew up in a tragically decorated home that is beyond antiseptic and uncomfortable. He wanted a warm, welcoming and comfortable home, that is what we have. Next she would hang off him like his lover. It was gross, really. She stood close to him, rubbed her hands down his chest and would take his arm whenever we went somewhere together leaving me to follow behind. I only had to tell my husband once how icky it was and he discreetly pulled away every time she did it after. The years have gone by, we have moved far enough away (yaa!) and have a lovely home. We have had to buy her a home because she did not want to leave the town house she was living in when it went up for sale and could not afford to buy it herself. We also support her financially. She has continuously tried to compete with me, hold her unfriendly, uber competitive daughters who are married to utter creeps in my face as paragons of virtue, tell me how wonderful her other grandchildren are and intimate that anything my son can do those grandchildren also do; better. She cannot love my son (she has not said this but the way she ignores him it is fairly obvious even to him) because he may end up as successful as hers (my husband) and when she counts family members she only counts her children minus their spouses. Now that she is 88 (Hubbie and I have been together 25 years) she is an incredibly high maintenance guest but my husband, dear that he is, is just patient but does not buy into any of her manipulation. She is nervous, fidgety and a total busy body. If she is near me when the phone rings she will make note of who called and tell my husband the second he walks in the door. He casually ignores her and will ask me if there were any calls. She butts into every conversation we have even if we are in another room. When we reenter she will put her two cents in. My son and I text each other when she visits even when we are in the same room! I will never like this woman. She has never made me feel like a member of the family nor have her daughters despite the fact I am the only one to host her birthday parties. Now that she is older I am gentle and kind but do not try to engage with her beyond, “What would you like in your tea?” She has really only ever been interested in being with my husband when she visits anyway. My husband is run ragged by her when she visits. I have sworn not to be like her when my son finds his one and so far so good. When he has a girlfriend I am thrilled for him and give them space. I look at her style get my son to find out where she shops and buy her a gift certificate to the store when it is gift time. Any food she brings me I tell her how great it is and eat every last crumb. I don’t talk a lot but listen if she talks and ask her questions about herself. The ones I have not liked I am really polite and kind to and know that if one of them is the one since my son will love them my husband and I can find a way too!
Lynn on January 12, 2013
Wow. Your MIL sounds SO much like my own. I’ve often said she acts more like a jealous ex girlfriend than a mother to him. She is disgusting. She too takes his arm whenever we are all together somewhere. I remember once we all travelled together and she made him sit with her and I was several rows back on the bus. She is a horrible horrible person. I am in awe that you manage to be so kind. I can not be. I am not rude, but I won’t speak to her or have anything to do with her. She would NEVER stay in my home. Her 3rd husband just left her recently and she refuses to pay her bills including her mortgage. It’s only a matter of time before she’s foreclosed on and when that day comes, it may mean divorce for me if my husband tries to buy her a house as he’s implied he would. She is NOT broke. She works full-time, has a VERY large savings account that I’m not supposed to know about and frankly could have afforded to pay off her house mortgage and live quite comfortably on her paychecks but refuses to do that so she can be a “victim” of her soon-to-be ex’s leaving. I applaud your grace dealing with her. Maybe some day I’ll have some. I certainly try.
Hannah on December 31, 2012
Upon many other that I am supposed to let slide I to have a Monster in law. She controls her son be trying to keep him a child. I thought I could trust her with my wedding cake but that was wrong you really not your mother in law loves you when you throws away your top of your wedding cake. YES GIRLS THAT IS RIGHT. I told my husband I don’t trust her with that cake and sure enough its gone and she was so caviler about it like she had thrown out a brownie. Chuckled and wasn’t even going to tell us she didn’t have it any more until we asked about it. I mean who throw out their kids one year anniversary wedding cake? That’s so EVIL! There is plenty more to complain about but this tops the cake literally!!
Sarah on January 10, 2013
My future mother in law offered to pay part of a deposit for our flat and we accepted a percentage and offered to pay her back in monthly instalments, she refused any pay back claiming it was part of her son’s inheritance and she wants us to have a lovely first home. She came to every property viewing with us and gave her input, and when we found the perfect property she was involved with commenting on the type of mortgage we should go for. I honestly did not mind I actually liked the fact she was involved as she lots of experience with properties. The day after the valuation of the property once everything was finalized and we were about to exchange contracts she sends a text message to her son saying, ‘It’s nothing personal but I don’t want to help anyone anymore, I am not angry at you but I will not be giving you any money.’ This woman is very well off, and I am not saying that she must give us her money and support us, however this whole process for us was just a sick game to her, she had absolute power over us and our future, and then took it away at a whim. Three years ago she needed a liver transplant and her son offered his liver for the transplant he went through personal training and supported her every day before the operation, my partner put his life on the line and could have died to let her live with his liver inside her. Luckily a donner liver came through on time and her transplant was successful. After everything my boyfriend went through for her she stringed us along just to play a sick little control game. I am disappointed but at the same time relived that I am not indebted to her, no longer have to speak to her or see her again.
Lynn on January 12, 2013
The long list of manipulations I could add to this post probably would require its own blog. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. My sister-in-law and I have a very close relationship because we not only like each other, but we realized we are truly the only people who can understand what we’re dealing with in this family. Our problems are compounded by the fact that our husbands allow her manipulation to keep the peace with her because otherwise, she threatens to kill herself, calls them horrible names, says she’s better off dead because no one loves her and no one would miss her anyway etc etc etc. We don’t let her see our children without supervision because frankly, she’s nuts. Borderline Personality Disorder would be my diagnosis if I had to offer one. When my husband and I first started dating she seemed nice. I never knew the entire time she was telling my husband he shouldn’t date me because I had a son from a previous marriage. Of course, she was telling me I shouldn’t date her son because he has a temper and wouldnt’ be a good role model for my son. The day we told her we were engaged she refused to look at my ring or tell us congratulations or even acknowledge our announcement. She just bawled her eyes out and refused to speak to us until she decided she could run our wedding for us. Why we didn’t just elope, I will never understand. She showed up IN MY DELIVERY room when we had our son after she had specifically been told we didn’t want anyone there til after the birth. By the time she was finished, my husband told me he wanted her at the hospital. (she was escorted out of the delivery room by a nurse at my request) It’s been a nightmarish 14 years that I know will never end until she’s no longer on this earth.
Dawn on January 14, 2013
My future in-laws are the bane of my new life with my fiancé. I moved from WI to MI to be with him, and his parents, who are Romanian and hyper-religious, couldn’t be more different from my lively, funny, intellectual, independent, self-actualized, easy-going family. They’re the kind of people who stopped “evolving” after they married and just devoted themselves to their children – well, their children are in their early 40s, but mom and dad just will not let go. They don’t have any friends, they don’t have any hobbies or interests or goals to pursue, they think their son is responsible for keeping them from being bored and lonely and they refuse to go to the seniors center and learn otherwise. It wouldn’t be so bad, but they’re SO FREAKING BORING: they don’t read or listen to music or watch films or visit museums or follow current events, so with every visit we must listen to the same dull stories about their old jobs, their family histories, the family weddings and funerals, the Bible and – ALWAYS – their worries about money. Ridiculous, considering they’re both retired, well-pensioned, completely insured, have six-figure savings and are debt-free. My fiancé’s sister is a somewhat successful fashion stylist living in Manhattan, and their parents are constantly singing her praises while secretly bailing out her deluded, self-indulgent ass at least once a month. But their father shares checking/credit card accounts with my fiancé and paranoically monitors them literally hourly, and if WE spend even $5.00, he immediately calls us and yells about how we’re bankrupting him…um, yeah, except we’re not spending his money, we’re spending ours. Project anger with your daughter much? Father dear is a pathetic, self-pitying, lifelong hypochondriac and mama is jealous neurotic who defines herself through her mediocre cooking while criticizing mine (which happens to be quite good). Worse, they both steal from us – little things, like a blanket from our couch – and we’ll end up discovering the missing item in their house months later. My fiancé, a bit of a spoiled mama’s AND daddy’s boy, is is s-l-o-w-l-y coming around to standing up to them when they manipulate a situation (or create one to manipulate), but I have literally had to walk out of their house a few times to keep myself from reducing them both to tears with verbal savagery. The sad part is, they’re otherwise both basically generous and good, if unsophisticated and childish, people. I WANT to like them, and I really do my best to lighten up in my poor opinion of them, but after a brief respite of goodness, they invariably misbehave again and end up spoiling a mood, an event or even a week. I’m dreading caring for these annoying creeps in their twilight years, when I should be with my own wonderful mother in hers.
sadgerbal on January 21, 2013
my mother in law is very manipulative. She tells people lies about my family because she is embarrassed of our culture. when daughter comes home from another country she feels head with about me and also she told my sister in law how my husband, her brother is such a bad son because he doesn’t spend enough time with her.. Which is not true because we see her 2 a week.. I mean we live down the street for Pete’s sake.
she tells us every week we have to visit her and she doesn’t in very rude way. 1 time she called me and my husband while we were on a romantic getaway I told us to come to her house for her own selfish reasons.. Obviously we didnt listen.
she forces my husband to take her dinner leftovers to work the next day for lunch.. When he tells her that I made him a lunch she honest to God pouts and starts to whine liike a child that she doesn’t get to make him lunch..
1 time when I was engaged.. She pushed me out of the way in the washroom when my husband was feeling sick by the toilet.. She told me that I did not know how to take care of hercdon and that she did that I should leave ..But the way that she says it’s in the way that she does things so rude.. It makes me cry sometimes at night I cannot stand her disrespect anymore
Sarah on January 23, 2013
I got married about 4 months ago. We dated for 8 years prior to that. We never lived together, never broke up and had a great relationship overall.
About 5 months before the wedding his dad got diagnosed with a really bad cancer, his dad was always the one who kept the family together; he respected traditions, valued family, and always had a plan for the future. His mom on the other hand cares more about the way she looks and buying brand name shoes and purses, than anything family related.
2 weeks before the wedding I quit my retail job in order to have more family time, and help out with whatever I could, and simply thought our plan of starting a family would finally become reality. Also I had a conversation with his dad, and he suggested I quit this job and focus on my new marriage and our new future with my husband, he had an entire plan to help us get on our feet right after we get married and wanted us to have kids right away (as we did too).
I slowly started seeing problems arise during the wedding planning. In our culture his parents pay for the wedding (my parents pay for the Engagement party and shower, which there were 0 problems with).
Since his dad was very sick, he just handed his mom all of the money that was put aside for this weeding and told her to help us plan the wedding we want. I am so easy going and so is my husband we are not very picky and both had the same ideas in mind. His mom was so controlling over every single detail of the wedding, and every little thing from ring pillow, to colors of the flowers, to all décor, invitations had to have her approval, which I did not mind, but many times she was very unreasonable, and gave us problems and caused me and my husband to argue, she made the wedding planning much more difficult that it would have been if she was a little more reasonable, also she acted like every single thing we would pick was more than the budget, and then when we would find something that is within the budget she would want to change it, and her way of telling us that would be by exiting the room while stomping her feet ( like a little child who didn’t get his candy), and several times we would have to reschedule meetings, so she calms down.
Also in our culture the mother of the groom is supposed to buy the bride her wedding dress, (I know my FIL told her to buy it for me), she told me that “that’s the old way of doing it, and that now days my own mother should buy me my wedding dress”, I was not going to ask my mom who already spent money on throwing me all the parties she is supposed to, and is unemployed buy me the dress, I just didn’t mention anything about it (my mom assumed that as we have been doing all of the other wedding stuff by our typical cultural traditions we would do this by tradition as well), and my mother in law simply ignored the fact and when I would go for my fittings she always had something to do (her husband did not even know about this). I didn’t care, nor did I tell anybody as they all assumed that she bought my dress, even my husband. It wasn’t until the actual wedding when people were complimenting my dress and giving the credit to my MIL, as she just stood there and smiled, so that’s when I told people that I purchased my own dress!
The wedding ended up beautiful, but somehow it did not feel my own, which really hurts my feelings, because I do hope I only get married once.
Since his dad was sick during the wedding planning in and out of the hospital and on chemo, we never had a chance to even look for a place to live, and ended up living with his parents in a 10 x 10 room my husband has had since he was 10, same bed same everything. This was very hard for me, especially because I was dating my husband for 8 years and we were never allowed to sleep over each other’s houses, so my relationship with his parents was not the best, there has always been a distance and I am extremely uncomfortable around them.
My husband also has a brother who was married and is divorced; he lives in his own house. My problem is that, when we got engaged and even while we were dating our plan was to have our own place, and I made It very clear to my husband (even before his dad got sick) that I would not want to live with his parents. I am extremely uncomfortable around them due to several reasons, some include me going there for over 8 years for every single holiday, and never once received a Christmas gift from them, a birthday card or a call, no one had my phone number they just made themselves very distant from me from the beginning. This really hurt my feelings, and the reason is because his brothers ex-wife got a complete opposite treatment from that, she used to come over from age of 16, they did everything fom her I witnessed it; they made her a princess cake with a Barbie doll on her 25th Birthday, they always bought her gifts, and she was treated like a daughter. I knew they created this distance with me because of my husband’s brother’s divorce, and they were hurt and wanted to be cautious, but this was too much, they gave me no chance at all. I especially got mad when last year (a few months after we got engaged) his brother was dating a Muslim girl (they don’t celebrate Christmas) his mom went out and bought gifts for her and for me, first gift I have ever got from them. Instead of being happy, I was so sad and disappointed.
During all of that time of me coming to their house, I never spent the night or not even more than about 6hrs. for that matter, my husband would spent the night at my house on occasions, as my parents don’t make him feel awkward and they are just natural with him. Before the wedding, his dad for the first and only time told me that they are very happy to have me come into the family, and told me how happy he is, and that they’d like it if I start calling them mom and dad after we are married, I had no problem with that at all, I never really referred to them as anything before I would wait until they look at me to talk to them, same with my husband towards my parents. I did say it a few times and his mom would always make a big deal about it, and make me repeat what I said, as she enjoyed it, this made me a little uncomfortable because she would always make sure everyone in the room hears it. Even their other daughter in law never called them mom and dad.
After we got married, his dad ended up in the hospital 3 days after the wedding and until he passed away (1 month later) , and I felt really bad starting this new calling “dad” and ‘mom” while he was in the hospital, I did not want him to think that I am doing it because I feel bad, I wanted to show them that I meant it, but there was never really an opportunity in the hospital, I did call him dad a couple of times when no one was around, but it wasn’t something I did regularly. As far as his mom goes, I did not call her mom because of my fear she will make me repeat it again and again, and also I became a little more distant (even more) to her during the wedding planning, as she treated me as I play no big role in my own wedding and my opinions didn’t matter, and no matter what they were she would always go with the opposite.
His dad passed away, I was there for everyone every single step of the way, putting my own life, marriage, job hunting, etc on hold, especially for his mom ( I won’t get into details as this will be way too long). About a month passed by, she randomly stopped talking to me, I had no idea what happened or what I did, as there were no changes in anything, I was being extremely respectful towards her as I always have been, I put my things aside in order to help her with hers, and I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. The next day my husband had a strange attitude towards me, so I asked what’s going on. He told me that his mom is upset that I don’t call her mom…, I asked how he knows this and if she said something to him, and he said no, and that he is assuming that is why his mom is upset and now he is upset because I have upset his mom. This was constantly on my mind also, I did want to call her something, but the timing was so wrong, as I felt that we should grow closer together more, as we never really got the chance to do that. Since he was unsure, I didn’t believe him, as I thought a grown up adult wouldn’t act this way if they want someone to call them “mom” they would be nicer, not meaner. Anyways 2 more days passed by, and still she wouldn’t talk to me ( I’ve never lived with someone who doesn’t talk to me, it is extremely strange), and my husband became more mad at me, because I did not listen to him and start calling her “mom”, but at this point I couldn’t even see me calling someone “mom” changing this, it was already too much, THEY WERE NOT TALKING TO ME!
It bothered me that my husband is this upset, so I kept asking him if his mom had confirmed that this is the reason she is mad, and why is she not telling me directly why go thru my husband, isn’t that how family problems start by going behind each other’s backs. He wouldn’t tell me, until one day he came from work and again, didn’t say anything to me, I couldn’t stand this, so I went to his mom and asked if we could talk. I asked her if she can explain to me why my husband is not talking to me, she flipped out, started yelling and saying that she can’t believe I treat her this way, and that she is not a nobody, and I need to have respect for her and refer to her as my mom. She also involved my husband and said that I am also disrespecting my husband by having no respect for his mother. Knowing everything that I have done for the family in the last few months, and dedicating all of my time to them this hurt, and I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. Another thing that really hurt me was that she started talking about my background and where I come from, stating that my people have no respect (we have the same cultural background, except my family comes from a village near where her husband was from, and she lived in a city), so she said that people from the village have no manners and she was raised to respect the older people and raised her kids that way too. This was interesting because her son (my husband) has never called my parents anything either (to this day), so since she is so civilized why is her son not calling my parents anything? She had no answer to this, and brushed it off and went back to me being the point of attention. I told her that I never wanted to hurt her feelings and I simply explained to her why I haven’t started calling her mom yet, I told her about me coming over for 8 years and never having a close relationship with her, never spending time alone, never going shopping together, never exchanging gifts, and just my overall comfort around her. Not only that I told her that her husband’s situation had a lot to do with it, and I didn’t want anyone to feel I was doing it out of sympathy, I wanted it to be real. She still insisted I was rude and disrespectful, she also got my husband on her side, and they were both against me. I did not want to defend myself, I apologized and told her that I don’t want her to think I want to cause problems as the family already had enough pain, and that if it makes her happy I will start calling her mom, and I asked if she approach me about things like this directly going forward, as I want to have an open relationship with the family, and not go behind each other’s backs and cause arguments with my husband.
A couple of days later my mom called and told me that some ladies in our community have been talking about the very same issue we were discussing privately in our house, me, my husband and mother in law. My mom or anyone else had no idea about any of this. There is gossip going around, and it all started from my mother in law’s best friend. I was in the car with my husband when I learned about this, it upset me so much, I told him that this is not right, she should not involve outside people in our private business. He always gets so defensive and immediately starts arguing with me whenever I say there is an issue with something his mom said or did, no matter if she is right or wrong, she is always right in his eyes. He started yelling at me and telling me that his mom doesn’t gossip, how dare I blame her, and my mom needs to mind her own business (I am her daughter, I am her business). Then he got on the phone and to prove to me that his mom doesn’t gossip, called her and asked her directly, obviously she denied and once again it was all my fault, for putting the blame on her. That day I got very upset at my husband, he is acting blind, and this is just too much, I hate it when other people know our family business, especially in our very small community, they love gossip and I have never given them any to talk about. He was so mad at me for bringing up this issue, and said so many bad things to me, from the B word, to saying bad things about my family, to spitting in face, and hitting me across the face a couple of times (I did say to him that his family is not perfect either after he talked about mine, and that really upset him, and I knew I should have not said it but I said it out of anger). The whole thing was blown out of proportion, he told me to go back to my parents house, and he never wants to see me again etc. So I got in my car and left, I did not want to go to my parents house, as they have worried about me since the day I got married and felt bad for me for not having any normal joy in my marriage, I did not want them to worry even more, so I went to my sister’s house. I ended up spending the night there. The next morning my mom called me and told me to go to her house immediately because my husband and mother in law are there, and if I don’t go “my marriage is over”. I went to my parent’s house, as I walked in I could hear some disagreements between my mom and his mom, she was telling my mom that one time she was calling me and I did not answer and she had the neighbors check to see if my car was home, and it wasn’t, and when she talked to me I did not tell her that I went somewhere that day, I am sorry I didn’t know that I have to report me leaving the house when no one is home. I sat on the table and told my husband that I’d like to talk to him, as this is about us, he was looking at me like a deaf person and his mom did all the talking for him (I have never seen him like this). She said this is now a family matter and I have to talk to her not to him, so I raised my voice and I said I married this man, I dated him for 8 years and we never had any issues, we had a plan to start our own life alone, things came up and I dropped my life to be there for your family, and what is this now I can’t even talk to my own husband. He didn’t say anything again, his mom grabbed her stuff and told him that they are “leaving”, and I was shocked when I saw him follow her to the door like a little puppy while looking down ( I can not get the picture out of my head, I realized no one can love you as much as you can love yourself, this was a perfect example). My mom then ran to the door and stopped them and said that this all crazy, and we have to be adults about this and it can get resolved we just need to talk about what bothers each one of us, and come up with a common solution, she also told her if you walk out of the door can you live knowing you could have saved your son’s marriage? They then came back to the table, and we continued talking, the whole time I knew this is getting no where, and the solution was just for me to apologize as anything I was saying, they kept saying I was at fault and denying everything, my mom doesn’t want us fighting so she put in very minimal input. So that’s what ended up happening, I apologized and said that it is all my fault, and I will work on fixing my issues and so on, not even knowing what issues I had, other than not being able to stand living with her anymore. After these talks I did start calling her mom, it is of course extremely unnatural and most of the time fake, as she never gave me our relationship a chance to grow closer, so for now the word “mom” has no meaning to me, and it is just another word.
Our problems now; his mom wants to be involved in every single thing we do, every conversation we have, she plans our holidays (we got married in September, his dad passed away in October, so we went thru Thanksgiving, and now Christmas time, and New Years.) tries to be the judge of our arguments by of course always taking her son’s side. My husband does not want to even talk about getting our own place, and every time I bring it up he says its too soon, and that I am rude for even bringing it up, he could never leave his mom alone. We both want to have kids soon ( he is 28 and I am 26), but there is no way we are having any while living with his mom, so we are waiting on that. She acts as if I don’t have parents, she planed our Christmas day with their family, and Christmas Eve Church with her friends, and of course we have to be with her, which I do not mind, but the fact that she doesn’t even consider my parents as a part of the family is what bothers me, my mom has tried calling her several times and she tells her she is so busy and has no time for anything, so my parents don’t even come over the house because she has never invited them. In the mean time she goes out with her friends all the time at least 3-5 times a week, and other people come over the house, and she never calls my mom. Her other son is dating a new girlfriend (for about a month) and she got her a Christmas present this year. She spends money like crazy buys expensive dresses that I am not sure when or where she plans on wearing, handbags etc, but always tells my husband she can’t pay her bills (his dad left a lot of money, a business, the paid off house, 4 paid cars, and a paid off condo in FL) my husband believes her and feels bad for her. She spends the days on the phone (average 15 calls/day) to all her friends telling them every single detail of everything, and gossiping, and as soon as my husband gets home from work she acts depressed and sad, and he falls for it and feels bad and ignores me and gives her all his attention, not knowing she was actually happy laughing all day long. Of course I tried telling him once and it started an argument, so I just don’t say anything anymore. We are trapped living with her, as she treats us like her helpers, never considers what we have going on, or even mentions that we just got married and we haven’t even been able to go to a honeymoon, or plan our future, and if I bring it up she just changes the subject and acts as if what I am saying is not important at all. Any task she has to complete such as met with lawyers to discuss her husband’s will, she needed to be taken to several doctors appointments, to the airport, every day mail translation me and my husband help her with everything, her other son is not involved in anything, never asks he if she needs any help with anything, and when he comes around once a month she acts as if God just walked into the house, and tells all her friends how good he is to her and how he is always there for her, and never have I heard her say anything nice about me or my husband and always demands our attention and time.
This is stressing me out a lot, I am starting to get anxiety attacks, and depressed over this, it is a very unhealthy way to live and start a marriage, I do no want to lose my husband. We are so happy when she is not home, and are alone, we get along perfectly, we have so much in common, we have so many future plans, we are so happy with each other, I do not want to lose that, but several times during these arguments I question if this is all worth it, as it is already starting to cause me health issues, also we are both getting older and I really don’t want to have kids when I am much older, and I am ready now, but I can not live my life without having a say in my own marriage. Please help!
Daisy on April 7, 2013
Hello there! You are in an extreme situation to me… And I know this hurts, but maybe u should think about leaving. I know u may not want to hear those words, but u are on extremely thin ice for yr sanity! How dare she treat u so unfairly, but more importantly, how dare yr husband treat u this way!!! What the hell?!? He is poisoned by her inability to let go and now u r the one who must suffer. If your husband truly loves u, he should be willing to try to understand u, but it seems to me there is no way of resolving this, as he is like a fly caught in her web of deception. U r putting yr life and sanity on the line… Well hon, sometimes you have to walk away… It may hurt and hurt for awhile… But eventually things will get better. I don’t think any woman has to put up with that kind of manipulation. Save yourself, as you have tried to save yr marriage (a case in which may not be able to be saved at all)… Sorry, but you need to recover from this form of abuse… It may take awhile again, but if u can do it by removing yourself from the situation, the healing will be easier than being trapped. You and your husband are grown people and you need to focus on having YOUR goals, hopes and dreams met… I hope this helps… Sorry to be so harsh, but u are in a dangerous situation… Walk away, it’s not too late!
Em on January 27, 2013
Jenna- I know exactly how you fill my MIL does the same things! Everything is about my weight and I am looked up and down every time I am around her. Nothing is good enough and she always knows better, we’ll she thinks she does. I am planning my wedding and when I picked the venue she said even I couldn’t get married somewhere like that?! What does tha mean I don’t deserve it because you couldn’t. She also made it clear that she is not impressed we are not getting married in a church..I am not religious and neither is my fiancé so it’s Jose of her business. I always use to think how nice it would be to have a sort of second Mum but I was dealt the in lucky card. She’s rude to all of my family looks down a us because she is richer but she doesn’t even work my father in law does and he works hard. She keeps pestering me for children when we haven’t even got married yet or moved out. Wen we said we would move out she tried to control the situation saying she would get the house and we would pay her as if! She would boast about how we can pay for it me she had to help us out. My fiancé sister is lovely but very materialistic and lives the Essex life so of course she is tiny and stunning and I am always compared in some snide way and how much weight she has lost…great but everyone is different. Feeling drained and I’m not even married yet. I have had 5 years of this and I want to just cr every day. I tired to avoid her but she just sucks everyone in around her trying t control every detail!!!!!! I needed to vent thank you to everyone on here I know longer feel alone
CC on February 4, 2013
My husband told me that his mother was crazy the second we started dating. Back then, I’m like really, how crazy is she. Everyone says that their moms at one point. She thinks my husband is five years old. He hates that she has to control everything therefore he wants nothing to do with her, not even her money. She offered to buy us a house but he refused. He said that she’s done it before and she would make decisions on the house and go through his mail. So when I told her that he doesn’t want the house, she started saying how stupid he is and he needs to grow up. She said that a mom knows best and he knows nothing. This is a almost 40 year old man!!! Then she compares him to our 3 year old saying do we let her do what she wants or do we make that decision for her???WTF??? oh yeah, my MIL told everyone she paid for my engagement ring even though my husband bought it and paid it off himself. I know cuz I saw the statements. I don’t know how some you ladies can deal with crazy MIL. I’m lucky she’s 200 miles from us so we don’t see her too often….
hup on February 10, 2013
Oh, I can understand. My MIL and SIL wants us to travel to their home country for a visit. The trip would cost almost half of his yearly take home pay. We have no money. The roof is leaking, we have debts to pay, DH makes just above min wage. I work as well as run the house as much as health allows. MIL keeps asking how much I make and how my job is going. DH has to call her pretty much everyday to check-in.
MD on February 21, 2013
My mom is the mother in law…she forbid my brothers from coming to my wedding. Forbid her whole family and creates all sorts of pity to manipulate hatred toward me. It’s totally unreasonable and yet they tell me I’m delusional.
Jessica on February 21, 2013
My mother in law is a selfish manipulative woman. She feeds lies to my husbands about me and my family. She pretends as though she gets panic attacks to place guilt trips on him. She tells him who he can talk to and gets insanely jealous if he gives any other motherly figure the time of day. She is a manipulative person and he’s blind because he’s a good son It’s incredibly lousy because She’s the sole cause of our marital discord. Women who aren’t married yet..beware! Never marry a momma’s boy. Put the manipulative Mother of your husband in their place. No more guilt trips on your husband, no more feeding him lies behind your back. If he doesn’t stand by you, leave him. It’s his job to stand by YOU and not his mother at your expense.
Britt on February 23, 2013
My soon to be MIL has lost her mind. Not only has she demanded to get my engagement ring off my hand, but she refuses to go to our wedding. I live with her as of now so that my soon to be husband can see his son and daughter on a regular basis. His daughter from a past relationship is everything to her, she holds rank over the other two kids simply cause she favors his ex. At time I feel like I’m going crazy and she makes me so angry. We decided to get a separate joint account from the one she had previously tricked my fiance into, she flipped so bad she has threatened to shut off both of our phones and to kick us out. I know she wants control of everything from who his friends are to his finances, but its starting to get to me. I’ve tried living with her in the past and it has ended ugly every time even to the point she had said ugly and horrible things about me behind my back. We broke up over this before right after we had our son, cause I hate the things she says about me and I have a fiery temper. It was easier to just walk away. She also constantly hold over my fiances head how she is in debt cause of him, its like your a parent you cannot blame your child for the poor choices you have made. Tonight I am the blame of everything even to the point of her telling him to get out of her house. He knows it wasn’t my fault but i can definitely see us going to counseling in the future over this situation.
Gabby on February 26, 2013
My MIL is worse, and trained her daughters to be just like her. At least your guy seems to understand the manipulations of his mother. I think you will be alright, since your partner understands his mother is a dominering manipulator. Best of Luck!
Carrie on February 27, 2013
My MIL appears to be nice but behind my back she makes up lies about me, accuses me of saying and doing things to my husband, thing is she is generally nice to my face but i have over heard her speak about me to my husband, and has even called my own mother to make sly comments. I know she has said things to other family members too. She plays a victim and is very jealous, we live with her and shes making my married life very difficult and stressful.
mollie on March 10, 2013
so my MIL is nuts! she is a pastor but is far from acting like one. she goes around telling lies about me cheating on my husband all summer long. i worked from 6am to 2pm. i had both my kids 1, 2 years old with me. wake up go to the sitter.. go to work.. pick them up go home.. sleep. and repeat. its crazy how she like to have people watch me as im going to college. my BIL would come find me every day! i was a student tutor so i was always in the same room.. same chair.. for my tutoring hours. i was there or in class. NOW i guess im drunk or high all the time! i hardly drink because i don’t like hang overs. im the biggest person against drugs. i will not let anybody be around or come into my home that is on drugs. why she probably says that is because my SIL is meth addict! when my son was born and at the baby shower she took my son. locked us out of the chapel and wouldnt give me my son. wierdo! i still will not forgive her for this. you just don’t take any ones child and not give them back. now i heard she has people who want to fight me because im just the worst person in the world. like i have time to do all of this. im a mother of 2 children. im a full time student. im a wife who cooks cleans. my husband is her oldest. nothing she ever does is wrong in her eyes. so ladies! watch out for the preachers and pastor MIL!!
Mel on March 12, 2013
I too have a manipulating mother inlaw, she controls every aspect of my husbands life and he allows her to do so. If I even comment about her behaviour he gets defensive and always sides with her. My husband is currently unemployed and she will call endlessly for money that money comes from me and she doesnt appreciate it. I once lent her $100 and instead of saying thank you she said “I hope that isn’t all you have for me cause Im going to need more then that” my husbanc is the first person she calls for money, to fix her car or whatever she needs him to do. She hasnt liked me from day one she even plays games by keeping in contact with his ex and helping her to cause friction with my husband and I. She even introduced him to another woman (while we were married) and tried to get him to cheat saying I would never find out but called me to let me know about this woman. I am at a cross road I love my husband dearly but his mother is almost unbearable. As much as I love him I just don’t know if it is worth it having to deal with this monster. She is very rude to my children and I and expects my husband to jump to her every beck and call. If he doesnt answer the phone to her she calls repeatedly until he does. What do I do?
Bella on March 27, 2013
My hearts breaking even having to admit I am making any comment.My mother in law to be was initially distant and wonderful..Distant being we lived 4 provinces away.Long story to be short now.My Fiance has bad karma with his mom from his past nothing to do with me.I knew about it however when i was around hearing a bit of any phone call she was as pleasant as ever….I was thinking wow I am going to have a mother law made of sugar spice and everything nice.
We reloacted ,we drove 4 provinces to live near his family.It was a lot of stress to relocate in any given situation it is but we made the best of it.We stayed with his parents a week…and all true colours came alive.
She would back bite him,tell him dont go here or there,remind him of his past infront of me,she would tell me horrific stories of his past that made me feel I didnt know my sweetheart.When i confessed to his Mom that I am sorry she was so hurt but that Ive never lived a single moment bad with her son — its now like she is hating me.
She would call when he was gone,,so would his sister as if to WARN me that he had a bad past,telling me ohhh he’s been good but we feel he will do wrong again…Its scaring me that they are intent on him screwing up ‘so to speak’….
I have decided to not ever answer phone calls unless my fiance is present and on speaker phone,so i dont get backed in corner…ive decided the less i speak to them the less afraid i will be…I dont want to start thinking like they do of him.
They say they love him and they are happy he is doing so well now but their actions are still speaking that they seem to almost”wish” he would screw up like in his past.
My fiance confronted his mum infront of me,,,she skirted the issue and put a scene on like…my son i love you im proud of you”,,,she even tried to tell him i said a comment about him that hurt her feelings…my fiance knew right away she was wrong….because we have a unique friendship as well as good relationship..we just do not speak badly of each each…we always got each others back.
my sister in law to be says…its likely that MOnster in law to be is upset that her son is so good to me when he was apparently bad to her….when i say bad i am told what he did was…”only words…no bad action he pushed her away”…for many years as she was controlling him far before i came on site.
So now a holiday approaches and its as if we “newcomers” will not be visiting and as if we “newcomers” have ruined her holiday…when in FACT she is being caught ….she has caused a great deal of stress for us….
I dont ever want to have bad relationship with his family….but it has turned out that way now….i want things to improve and i said what i needed…so i think if i continue not talking to his sister or mom unless he is present then it should improve as they cannot then corner me with badness of his past….
i keep wondering why do they truly want to make me think he is a bad person when they keep saying they are glad he is home…
Chrissy on March 28, 2013
My MIL ruined my wedding since we got engaged. She has been overbearing since before we were engaged; in fact we took her on three vacations with us much to my dismay, and when we planned one without her she was so angry and would not talk to us! My husband proposed to me in front of his family and mine. We all took pictures after since we are rarely all together and she is the only one in all the pictures who is not smiling, in fact she looks angry and mean. When my husband’s aunt said that I know my husband best and she’s sure we would plan a nice wedding, his mother overheard and said ‘What! I know my son the best, not her!’ It was totally weird.
We had been talking about getting married for awhile anyway and decided we would just have a very small wedding. My own mother had passed away not even 2 years prior and emotionally I could not have a big wedding and did not want one. We also wanted to save our money to start an account to save for a house. So, we just decided to have immediate family with an intimate ceremony— his cousin would marry us in my father’s backyard and we could all go out to dinner after.
Two days after engagement, we told our families the plans and my dad was happy, so was his cousin. Then…he called his mother and all I heard was yelling on the other line. She was horrific and said she could not believe we were going to do this to her. She wanted us to have a big wedding so she could show off to all her friends. He tried to explain it to her but she wouldn’t have it. It ended up in a big fiasco with his cousin calling his mother to try and smooth things over but she called his cousin ‘childish’ and said she couldn’t believe he was supporting us. When his cousin’s wife got on the phone and said ‘at least they are not eloping and we can still be there with them’, his mom said ‘any son of min who eloped could go to hell’. We went to talk to her later in the week and she was out. When she came home, she was limping (pretending that she hurt her leg) and slammed the door, crying and wouldn’t even look at us. By this time, we had decided to also invite aunts and uncles just to smooth things over with her but even that was not enough for her (oh, did I mention we were the ones paying for EVERYTHING!). I tried to explain that I did not want a big wedding and neither did my husband but she just got more angry and said we only get married once and we should try to make everyone else happy. I said it is my wedding and we are the ones who should be happy. I asked her why she couldn’t just be happy that we are so in love and planning our lives together. I also told her that maybe in a few years when we could afford it, we could have a big anniversary party and invite everyone, but she looked at my like I had three heads and said that was a dumb idea. Then she got up and was walking fine, my husband said to her “oh, your leg is better”, all of a sudden her ‘limp’ came back and she started crying.
Anyway, the very small, intimate wedding list went from about 30 people to 65, with her inviting people I did not even know. She also tried to get us to change the date and the restaurant but we didn’t. I was so depressed and crying everyday during this time. She never asked me if I needed help with anything, or knowing that I did not have a mother, she never asked if I needed help picking out a dress. I went instead with my aunt, sister, and sister-in-law. What made it worse during this time is that my husband is an only child with no siblings. For most of the time, he was trying to get me to convert our plans to what his mother wanted. She kept trying to put a guilt trip on him, saying, ‘you are my only son and I can’t believe you would do this to me’. It was all about her, she does not care about our happiness and is a manipulator. Personally, I cannot forgive her for the way she made me feel and that someone could do this their future daughter-in-law. I have always treated her respectfully and did not deserve this. My husband says I should forgive her, but I just can’t, I think it will take a very long time…
Gayle on March 29, 2013
I found your blog as I am about to become a MIL and I want to be neutral. Our son has been living with his partner for the past 4 years (they are both in their 30s) His partner is gorgeous and we as a family love her to bits. They are now expecting their 1st child so we are very excited about expecting our 1st grandchild. However, it is our son we are the most upset with as we think he should ask his partner to marry or at least committ. He is very immature for his age and she has basically been supporting him whilst he attempts to finish yet another uni degree. We of course will help where we can but we try really hard not to interfere. I have even given him his grandmothers engagement and wedding bands and he is still procrastinating.I know his partner would love a ring on her finger just to feel secure. He does truely love her but he hates responsibility (always has) He loves to party and travel. I worry about his partner and the baby. We raised all our kids to be responsible and he was when he lived with us ( he left home at 19 ) He spent his entire 20s flipping burgers working in bars and going from one uni course to the next. Can I do anything to make sure that he steps up to become a responsible Dad How can I make their lives less stressful? I am so concerned that his partner could walk eventually which I know would destroy him. Any suggestions without becoming the MIL from hell or in this case the M from hell!
Kimberly on April 4, 2013
I am pregnant with my guy of 1 year. We call each other wife, hubby, because we know we are going to get married. He’s also in the Army and about to deploy. Now, my monster in law story. This woman (sorry still mad), comes to our house to spend 2 weeks with him before he deploys, along with other family members… It first started with arguing about everything I would say, including an argument about how many pieces of bread my son put in the toaster! The second week, his half sister got here to spend a little time and it escalated. Everything I would say she would argue including his sister to get on her side, she was helping out with the dishes but as soon as I said I was about to put them in the dishwasher-she started washing them by hand and mumbling something til my guy had to step in and ended up raising his voice to her, then I was splitting up meat because I couldn’t eat the italian sausage they were cooking for us (pregnancy heart burn) and even talked to them about it- she reaches over me takes it out of my hands and says “we’re cooking it all together you can pick out what you don’t want.” VERY RUDELY. So I took my phone, went outside, and called my mother for advice. She didn’t know what I should do. It was like I was getting ganged up on in my own house! My guy had to talk to her a few times, then she would cry saying I was mean. When they finally went home, I got a facebook message from her telling me to take one of my posts down (about missing my guy when he deploys) and I told her “If he tells me to, I will and only then.” I know it sounds kind of rude, but It was MY facebook and here again she was TELLING me to take it down. That little message cost me a load of crap from her. And in my messages I was nice as can be. After her telling me I was mad at her about her doing dishes when she was visiting, I told her why I was really mad and asked her please to just stop because she was stressing my guy and I out right before deployment. After that I received a lot of other emails and ended up begging her to stop three more times. I finally kicked her off my facebook when she told me “I feel bad for my son”. Talking about being with me. She then starts texting and calling him. First saying I’m just a gold digger. HAHA. First of all He pays the rent and I pay all the other bills. Then I turn out being a liar. (because she blocked me thinking he couldn’t see her messages after I deleted her). Wrong again on her part! And it keeps going from there because he chose not to call or text her back.. After all that, WHAT SHOULD I DO???? Please help! I’m trying but it’s just stressing me to the max
Dave Again on May 1, 2013
Kimberley your MIL sounds and is shocking. Talk to your husband about her behaviour. I know my own MIL used to say you marry into another family and I was now one of her babies. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was my mother’s adult child, and her own daughter (my wife) was no longer her baby, but her adult daughter. Your husband will have to speak to her about her manipulative behaviour. She thinks because she is older that “mother knows best”. Your husband has to tell her that, in your home, you do things your way. If she doesn’t like it, and continues to meddle, he must ask her to leave.
happy away from her on May 3, 2013
So happy to have found this blog !!! My MIL is HORRID !!! We started out having a great relationship and she always seemed so sweet and respectable. The first time i saw her for what she was ..my husband (bf at the time) lived at his parents house still and I had my own house but would stay the night with him if my parents wanted to take my son for thenight or weekend. MIL had always said that if I needed to use any of the vehicles while I was there that I could and left the keys on a rack in the kitchen .. I had never used any of the cars before that but needed a few things from my house (ten minutes away) so I took one of the cars to go to get my things and came straight back (she knew I was taking the car ) when I got back my FIL had just gotten home and was in the kitchen speaking to her and didn’t know I was back .. he asked her why I took the car and did she give me permission she answered “no I didn’t and I have no idea why she took it or where she went” !!!!! Then he got angry and practically said I stole it while she just agreed ! I was so mortified I tiptoed to my husbands room and stayed there until he got home and then had him take me home and wouldn’t spend the night. After that there were many things that she did ignorant towards me .. he moved in with me and his cousin also started renting a room with her daughter. His mother would invite my husband and his cousin (last minute) to a family event and say she had let me know about it and then when they would go straight from work to the BBQ or whatever I wouldn’t be there .. she actually told the family things like I must not have wanted to come or she had just spoken to me and I said I was coming when in all reality I didnt know. She has told my step daughter numerous times when I tell her to do things or to stop doing something that she doesn’t have to listen to me . When her and her husband divorced she took all of her things and said he could trash whatever she had left or donate it .. he knew how much I love Christmas decorations so he let me go through what she had left and take what I wanted which included 13 whitehouse ornaments .. when she found out I had them she flipped out on my husband saying she wanted them back and had never said she didn’t want them so he talked to my father in law who said that she called him angry saying that she didn’t want them or care about them but didn’t want me to have them !! Needless to say I still have them. It was always a back and forth with her .. for 4 years I dealt with her crap my husband would quit talking to her then she would apologize and he’d forgive her. Until finally she pushed him to far … me and his ex wife (who is a drug addict and only sees there daughter when convenient for her )got into an altercation right after we got custody BC she refused to leave my house .. well my MIL took it upon herself to show up at our house with the ex wife .. my husbands aunt , cousin and my 4 year old stepdaughter in the car. All for them to confront my husband about how he needs to divorce me and be done with our relationship !!! He told them in a not so nice way to give him his daughter and never come back here or speak to him again. I was so sad for him BC it was a huge stab in the back but our life has been so much more peaceful without her and the other drama starting family members in the picture !
Sammie on May 4, 2013
I feel for you!!! As I was reading your story…..my blood BOILED. Which is my usual reaction to my FMIL (Future manipulator in-law).
I found your blog when I literally googled, “MOTHER IN LAW PROBLEMS”….and behold…endless web pages on dealing with FMIL/MIL.
My future MIL is a headache, a migraine, a pure pain in my @ss!
She’s emotionally unbalanced, and that is NOT just my aggravation talking. She really is.
Along with that she is melodramatic, a compulsive shopper, needy and as her soon to be ex-husband, and my future FIL says “a true hippie free spirit”
My fiance is currently not speaking to his mother due to her manipulative behavior….here’s the shortened story….
Back in 2010 my finace (then boyfriend) and I had just moved into our first apartment together. We were a bit financially strapped with the deposit, huge rent and of course expense of furnishing our new home. I clearly remember MANY times….weekly almost the dreadful call from his mother asking for money. He would get frustrated, angry but in the end of course go to the ATM, take a few hundred out and bring it to her. I kept my mouth shut…”it’s his mom”…”I can’t get in between that”…I’d make a ton of excuses for it in my head all the meanwhile stressing myself.
One particular “incident” pops into my head. We were heading home from IKEA….after having picked up our TV stand. The monster calls and within 3 minutes flat, my fiance was SCREAMING on the top of his lungs at her. “How can you tall me you don’t have a penny to your name right now?!”
I almost lost it. Of course as always, he goes to the ATM, drains some money and gives it to her.
I didn’t address the issue at that moment….that would have only added to the already overbearing amount stress. But lo-and-behold, just short days later he gets another call that she needs to borrow money because the collection agency is after her. Another fuse blew at that point. Apparently the money she recently got went to knick-knacks and lunches with girlfriends (she’s got expensive taste).
I had to sit my counterpart down….I told him this had to stop. We have bills to pay, we have rent, I’m going back to school for another degree…we cannot support his mother, we can’t afford to do it. I firmly told him it isn’t his responsibility to bail her out of the holes she digs herself into and that I cannot stand by and watch him stress himself out that way. It wasn’t an occasional bit of help here and there….it was constant abuse and manipulation.
I don’t believe they have spoken since. I’m sure a fight ensued and I’m sure my name came up. My FMIL does not like me…she’s made that clear to me in the past.
To top it all off she is VERY close to my fiance’s ex who to put it gently “wrecked, used and abused” him….when I say he was in pieces after her….I mean shattered!!!
For goodness sake….she calls that woman “her daughter”
I find that to be insulting to me as his current fiance…which just stamps and ties the ribbon on WHY I cannot stand the woman and have NO relationship with her.
I am actually dreading my wedding.
I am dreading her becoming my MIL.
Happiness before the storm on May 13, 2013
My MIL and my SIL want me to convert from my faith to theirs because theirs is the only and te right way. I want them to respect me and love me for who I am and accept me. Well this weekend his family had a confrontation together with my fiancé and told him that if I was baptized in their church and went to church every Sunday with them then they would pay off one of his loans. He wants me to follow throw with it and fake it :-/ what should I do. So I make him happy and go against my morals or make him happy by making his Mom happy. I wouldn’t be an honest baptism and I wouldn’t feel anything but sadness :-/
deddra on May 16, 2013
I also have a nightmare mother in law… we even get in physical fights trying to get me put in jail… my advice would be talk things out with your husband and let him now how the situation with the MIL makes you feel and something needs to be done or it’s going to ruin your marriage.GOOD LUCK …………