… hello and welcome to your second episode recap, friends and neighbors. Before we begin, I do just wanna make a quick shout out to WordPress, for making it juuuuust short of impossible to have this post go live in any sort of timely manner. You were really killin’ me with the slow image uptaking all day yesterday, WordPress. What was that? You were killing me softly with your song.
Ok, SO! We begin and in this, episode two of this season of The Bachelor, another man with a horrible last name he couldn’t sell in the real world returns to our screens, with little to no improvements made to his hair or personality. This = a shame. Disappointed, we work to accept that it is likely to continue like this for the duration of the season. It’s more fun to be attracted to The Bachelor but oh well. A little pinot fixes that right up.
Take note, it is in this episode that Ben proves to us that he is a dude with a functioning willy, and that it is helping him with picking out ladies. This comes as a disappointment to the girls who are not his other head’s top picks. Before this, we thought he was using his “brain.” But clearly, it is not so, this supposed *brain involvement*. We will discover this truth together, shortly.
Before we begin – noteworthy: Blakely and Courtney. The hated girls. The pretty girls. The empty soul girls.
BEN’S TOP GIRLS.
(A trooper, he stayed up to watch with me but just like my Mom when I was younger and we used to start a movie together too late at night, he fell asleep IMMEDIATELY.)
Ok so we’re back in Sonoma and apparently this place is a big part of Ben’s life. Did you know that? Apparently he wants to live there AND NOWHERE ELSE EVER.
It is not difficult to determine that Ben has brought them to Sonoma because they are going to have to live there… with him and his invisible dad who is still with him at all times. Now, honestly, I can’t mock this, this *mentioning of the Dad who has passed* factor. When my Dad leaves this earth I’ll probably talk about my Dad all of the time, because he is amazing and I think of what he would say and the advice he would give in a lot of situations I face in life. So that means I will not be mocking Ben approximately 67 times in this episode. Heart goes out to you, Ben. Great fathers are really somethin’ else. Everyone should be so fortunate.
Fast-forward to Ben talking about the girls: “I’m lucky. They’re beautiful and smart.” Umm well– umm… yeah, ok, yeah. Sure.
So, like I said, Ben is very excited to be back in Sonoma and does everything short of taking each of the girls to the local Sonoma birthing center to pick out OB-GYNs for their future childbirths which will be happening in Sonoma because you have to live here to be with me. Get it through your beautiful smart heads.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE: BEN AND KACIE B HOLD PHALLI AND EMOTE
Ben: We’re going out into Sonoma.
Kacie B: *giggle* !!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben proceeds to explain to Kacie B what a Sonoma is, and that it’s where she’ll need to live if she wants to be with him at the end of this. Ben explains to Kacie B that “being with somebody” means sharing a living space, the bills and, on weekends, putting a man’s P inside of a woman’s V until he is satiated.
Ben: Here’s a toy store. You’d like that, right?
Kacie B: *giggle* YESSSSSS.
Now, a side note from me, Alison, to dearest BEHBEH: if you’re going to hold a giant popsicle and ask a man how many licks it takes, you’re going to get three consecutive mockboxes documenting the event.
Kacie B picks out the one insanely phallic item in all of Sonoma’s toy stores and holds it up much like an innocent child would do, when the joke is on them. Look at this HEEGANNTAY Tootsie Roll pop! Ben! Ben! How many licks does it take to get to the middle. While Ben’s answer is exceedingly adorable, this exchange concerns me, because Ben doesn’t realize it but Kacie B is the personification of his future baby.
Now, a note on baton twirling, and the girls who call non-embarrassing things embarrassing.
BATON TWIRLING = not embarrassing, Kacie B. But you already knew that, despite the fact that you give off the impression that you’re lacking an elementary school edumufication. But it’s ok. No, it’s ok! Girls often do this; they will shyly (<– oh, whoa, that’s a word? i was fully expecting a red underline upon completion. cool) as I was saying, they will shyly “admit (without prodding)” to a guy that they used to do this embarrassing thing when they were younger, and then tell the guy about this embarrassing thing. Like for example, if Lindzie were to tell Ben “this embarrassing story” about how when she was a teenager she used to ride her horses until she’d cum. Or if Blakely were to tell Ben “this embarrassing story” about that time a child asked her to ‘… like, jog in slow motion’ and so she did and how embarrassing it was to flop her chest appendages all over a stage in front of
Oh wait that happens later on in this episode that I’m recapping. Not there yet.
FYI this episode is positively hemorrhaging content worthy of being mocked, so it’s very possible that I lost track at times in the recap and maybe some things are out of order, just due to the sheer amount of mockable material I threw in because I CAN’T SEEM TO LEAVE ANYTHING OUT in these things. So, forgive me.
KACIE B + BEN – NEXT SITUATION
So we’ve reached a point where Kacie B can’t get any more childlike and– Holy mother, really?! Wow, ok, this is happening. Cue kacie b at 3 yrs old cavorting around and generally being AN ACTUAL BABY.
KCB: “ahhm own un amaaayzin dayte, with a perfect guuyyyyyyy, in tha most romayntic taaaown ahhv ehvur bin in.” *giggle*
KCB: “Ben brraaaangs out thaangs in muh that Ahh feeyull laak Ahh haven’t been in touch with in a lownge tiiime.” *giggle*
(You can’t be referring to ‘your inner child,’ right? You seem to be very in touch with that.)
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE
Date card reveals the eleven participants of the group date. Some girls are more excited than they should be about a group date.
BACK TO KACIE B + BEN – HOME MOVIES THAT STIR EMOTIONS AND FORGE FALSE BONDS PORTION OF DATE
Kacie B sees her home movies: Aww, I’m cute! Aww, I love my Dad! *giggle*
Ben sees his home movies.
THEN ENTER: BEN’S DECEASED FATHER
Well ok not really. But it is so far beyond being even the slightest bit romantic at this point that it might as well be over. Ben’s tears while watching video of his deceased father incite Kacie B to mention that his reaction shows her that he’s a real, genuine person. Becoming upset/shedding tears when you see home video of your Dad who is no longer alive seems to be a unique reaction, to Kacie B, and one that uniquely proves the inherent quality of a man…?
Then Kacie B gets a rose because you have to encourage children to shoot for the stars and that everybody’s a winner. Ben is a good dad.
Kacie B to camera: “it could change my life forever!”
Ben to camera at some point because he’s always saying it so it doesn’t really matter when: “[Sonoma] is where I’m probably going to live for the rest of my life.” BEN WE GET IT.
Kacie B returns to the location where the other girls are (- are they at the house? What’s going on?)
Kacie B: “I’m the luckiest girl alive right now!” This girl is redefining hyperbole.
GIRLS: KCB IS SUCH A BITCH.
FALSE BOND OFFICIALLY FORGED: Unfair advantage to Kacie B? She thinks so. But in reality she is falling in love with a man she just met and around whom she has spent less than an hour of quality time. But this does not play into Kacie B’s rational thinking process. Because, what rational thinking process? Give the infant some time. Let her skull merge first, for chrissakes. Then ask questions.
LESSON FROM KACIE B DATE: Ben wants to have children. Because she is a wee behbeh and she reminds him of what babies look like and he is reminded he wants them, in the future. Probably not with her, though.
GROUP DATE; 11 LADIES WILL ENTER
Ben says they’re going to do a play. Ok, fun.
Ben takes them to the playwrights of this play and the girls are SHOCKED to discover that the playwrights are in fact, children playwrights. The girls appear extremely thrown, disgusted even, and are just generally not happy about this for some reason. No seriously, this was a real disappointment for the women. Inexplicably. Did they expect real playwrights, to come on The Bachelor? Wait for the show to wrap before you start pursuing that acting career, ladies. Patience. Now go show Ben you like kids.
The kids ask them to act out certain characters, of the kids’ choosing. Fed a line by a producer, the little girl leader child asks Blakely AND I QUOTE “… can you, like, jog in slow motion…” because as everybody knows, slow-mo jug jogging is one of the best-known traits of gingerbread men and it is the go-to test with regard to auditions for this type of role.
Sigh. From the mouths of babes. Oh, by the way Blakely looks like this today:
Shame on you, male producers. Shame on you for making such watchable television.
Blakely handled the request as well as any woman in a cleavage-harness I mean skimpy romper could. By not really jogging or facing the children head-on.
Still, the female children’s reactions:
The male children’s reactions:
GET INTO YOUR COSTUMES
Ok. Now, remember how Blakely looked like, you know, like– well, you know… like, with the, you know–
… exactly. Thanks, kid.
Anyway, THIS? ↓
any character at all the wizard and decides to just full on be haaaaaaaaating it.
(Wait. Seriously. Are you an actress, Jenna? You should probably just say you’re an actress at this point, actually, if you’re not. But I still think you might be.)
THE SEXY PLAY
Ok, I just want to check something–
–is this a children’s play? Because I can’t be sure, given my previous understanding of acceptable behavior in a children’s play, but I’m pretty sure Ben just lost all of his clothes on purpose. I don’t understand. I have so many questions. Like for example was the room (full of children and concerned adults) really applauding/laughing/clapping when he performed what boils down to a millisecond strip-tease? This is what Sonoma is like?
LATER, BACK AT THE HOUSE
Ben shows us he has a penis right around…. HERE:
KACIE B PREPARES TO READ NEXT ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD
Kacie B: You guys ready? *giggle*
The girls seem ready. Courtney says she was
Kacie B (mentally, if she was of average intelligence): Oh. Umm. I mean, you don’t– you don’t really– I was asking rhetorica–you know what forget about it. Forget it.
Kacie B: Golly gee, it’s for Courtney!
Kacie B says, “what?” when Courtney zings her, because Kacie B has never before experienced a true zing from such a master of zingery like ‘ol Courtney, here. Then Courtney ACTUALLY REPEATS THE ZING when Kacie B knee-jerks the “what” response, but repeating a zing almost ALWAYS renders it completely ridiculous, no matter how deadly it was at its birth. Point goes to Kacie B.
I thought I lose the AAWOOOOOGUH eyes with the loss of Canada personality The Baconator. But clearly, I was so wrong. So beautifully, beautifully wrong.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN AND COURTNEY GO FALL IN LOVE
Ben: “Feels like a Saturday.” This is something rich people say.
Ben and Courtney ride into the wilderness and proceed to SCARE THE LIVING BEJEEBUZ out of his dog, aptly named “Pino”–wait what? It’s “Scotch?” Oh, ok. Ok whatever.
I have a dog. I don’t get into these positions with him. Nottttttt that there’s anything wrooonnnggg with that.
Later on, they continue the mutual masturbation theme of the day and talk about how great/eye-opening certain points in their respective lives have been, and how they’re “open” or “have trust issues because of famous actors,” and they start quoting Oprah and say they’ve had “ah hah moments” but overall they’re excited to have found one another, and they’re psyched to be together forever.
Courtney: Life has been hard. I mean, I *mumbles with purpose* DATED AN ACTOR soooo, I’m not gonna lie, I have trust issues. But I want you to know that these trust issues are born of bad relationships with important, well-known actors, and so I’m still very much a catch.
Ben: “if this who we each really are? Then this is a pretty damn good match.”
Ben seems not to have found himself on The Bachelorette the way he says he found himself on The Bachelorette. It seems he has more finding to do. He needs to continue the finding on this show, The Bachelor. And then a decade or two outside of television shows, and then he’ll figure out it was Ames, all along. I hope Ames is the surprise visitor next week. Before Ben was Bachelorized, they had similar taste in fashion a bit. I would like to double date with them. I hope Ames’ concussion is better.
I miss Ames a lot.
Courtney, now regularly using her upper lip to repeatedly cover the front teeth about which she seems oddly embarrassed, because everybody has their thing, accepts the rose and then this happens:
ROSE CEREMONY LEADUP – FINAL TALKS, FIGHTING AND GENERAL SADNESS:
We met Lindzi last week, and were thrown by her overexcited facial expressions, but hoped they wouldn’t persist. HOPES DASHED.
Really? DIRT is your makeup? That’s cool I guess. Or ALARMING. Wait, what was she again? Oh that’s right a Business Development Manager. I guess those guys are out on the farm a lot. ”Business developing” with their bare hands, down deep in that dirt. Gettin’ it all over their faces and then wearing that dirt makeup to dinner…? I mean I dunno, I’m not her. Could be. It’s ok we got you, Lindzie.
P.S. – Lindzie reminds me of Kristen Wiig doing Kathie Lee Gifford on Saturday Night Live. The facial expressions. If you’ve seen Wiig do KLG, then, if you can, watch that Lindzie scene over. You’ll see it.
We also have Blakely, who, forgetting that she’s not VIP waitressing tonight, brings along some VIP drinks to Ben and…. herself, not the chick currently in there.
AAAAAAND it has become even more clear that Ben is in fact a person with a penis, if we were doubting this at all, by this point.
Next, the producers ask Ben to talk to Jenna so he does.
It goes badly.
But I think she looks great. (Seriously guys I’m not going there. I think Jenna is one of those girls who stands very still and stares at her face in the mirror until it starts to morph into ghastly, monster-like versions of itself. And then she goes to bed thinking that’s what she looks like. ……. So, I don’t need to be pushing her farther down any slippery slopes to insanity.)
Ok actually forget it I HAVE TO GO THERE WITH THIS.
Jenna: “I feel“– wait WAIT WHOOAAA WHOOAA THE BLANKET DOESN’T GO ON LIT CANDLES, JENNA. Ok thanks Ben for getting that. Sorry- go ahead Jenna…
Jenna: “I feel like I’m a guy in how I act.”
Clearly she has read the book on the how to make guys want you. Because number one on the list of things that turn heterosexual males on? GUYS AND HOW THEY ACT. Keep it up, you’re doing great, Jenna.
Jenna: “I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense. I’m not like other girls.. I’m like a man.”
Ok PERFECT. You’ve got him right where you want him; totally wanting your hot, man soul. Ben is totally not into women who like to think of themselves as women, certainly not. Well played! Well played. He’s not completely over you at all, at this point.
Jaclyn comes to interrupt Jenna’s one-on-one time and for the first and last time on this show, Ben is thrilled to see Jaclyn’s face.
CUT TO angry girls including-and-actually-mostly Jaclyn hating Blakely for everything wrong in the world and also her face and lacking morals.
Jaclyn is quickly becoming a meaner person, meaner than I thought she was capable of becoming, given her facial limitations.
The girls really start to hate-assemble, and proceed to verbally gangbang Blakely (behind her back of course) for being aggressive and not trying to make friends. (Still complaining about this kind of stuff, are we ladies?) OHH WAIT WHAT’S THAT? And then they verbally gangbang her into her face?! But NO MATTER. Because Blakely, not having come here to make friends, knows what she’s doing. She’s ready for all the drama because like I said she didn’t come here to make friends she came here t–
Blakely whyyyyyyyyyyyy are you in the cornerrrrrrrrrrrr. Now I have to call you Blaby in the cornerrrrrrrr. And it’s your faaaaauuuuulllllt.
This normal thing happens outside:
And then normalcy, having touched the house ever so softly and briefly, disappears as quickly as it came.
In other news, Samantha’s still angry about bitches. ”I’m sooo f**king sick of Blakely… that I’m literally throwing up. I’m in the bathroom because I’m literally throwing up, into the toilet, I hate her so much.”
Some girls ultimately unimportant to the plot line join her…
Gathered in the Denny’s bathroom next door to their accommodations, the women discuss with anger the girl who they’re worried is beating them right now. That is a Denny’s stall, yes? Next door to their accommodations in Sonoma? Because that can’t be the real bathroom ABC gave them. Also, the special needs stall, Sam? FAIL. Kacie B might need that while you’re in there but NOW what will she do?
And I thought you were a pageant girl. Oh wait right, you are a pageant girl, that’s why you did it. Hahah I forgot.
Later, still before the rose ceremony, or is it earlier? I’m losing track of Samantha’s hating-on-b!tches. Anyway AT SOME POINT IN THE SHOW we hear more stuff pouring from Samantha’s mouth. And it is dirtay stuff. I suspect that her sash is gone because she knows that when Samantha keeps it real in tha hizzy, Samantha ain’t wearin’ no sash/representin’ no crown. And let me tell you, she is NOT representing her crown very well in the following display, so this is best.
Samantha says: @!!*&@!^&%$!!%&^@$%!!!(&. when (and when not) asked for comment on the girls, throughout the episode. #themoreyouknow #rainbowgraphic
ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE:
Freezing, the girls are all arranged outside for the rose ceremony. It appears as though the perspiration sitting atop the skin of their already dehydrated frames is somehow evaporating into the cold air of an inexplicably foggy/misty night.
Nope, nope sorry it’s dry ice and interns.
↓ WAIT WHERE DID THIS HOT GIRL COME FROM???? ↓
Seriously have we seen “Casey S” before? …. Ok I just went back to my meet-the-women post and I found her; this is what I wrote:
“9. Casey S., 26, trading clerk, Leawood, Kansas - Nothing. To. Saaaaay.” So, that explains that.
Anyway, so in the end, Ben keeps some chicks, and gets rid of some chicks. The chicks he gets rid of are Jenna’s FACE
and Shawn, who I thought he kicked to the curb last week. Oops. Honestly I don’t care anymore I am so tired after this recap I could go playfight a girl in a hot tub or pool and *accidentally* smack her on the boob, MONICA.
… subsequently creating the best. moment. of. the entire night. For the boyfriends/husbands/appreciators of the female body who were watching the show. Which includes me. Because that was hot by any definition. And you know how I like my hottub/pool scenes. (Slutty. I like those scenes slutty.)
MY FINAL THOUGHTS:
A. There is a uniquely delicious irony to the concept of any one of these girls calling any other of these girls a “Stage 5 Clinger,” as one did in this episode. This is for two reasons.
First reason: by the very nature of the show they are ALL clingers, at the highest stage of cling. This branding goes without saying for all of the girls and it is therefore ironic AND redundant to voice the taunt to others.
Second reason: the term “Stage 5 Clinger” was adopted as an effective way of describing ladies like the ones specifically on this season of The Bachelor. I’m sorry now I’M being redundant. There was only one reason.
B. Face contortionist Jenna from NYC contorts her face to new heights in this episode and probably for that she is kicked off. Also, she says some nonsense about how she’s not a girl, not yet a not-girl. No wait that’s a Britney lyric. Something about being a man? No that couldn’t be it since Jenna is the most emotional, teary mess of a person I have ever encountered in my ENTIRE LIFE. (Sorry, Jenna. But seriously. You are not ok.)
WHAT. is going on. with the faces, Jenna.
Whatever, I have to let you go now because Ben did. But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you, Jenna. Just…. just don’t fight the doctors because they are there to help you. Listen to them. It’s the only way.
BAMBINO’S FINAL THOUGHTS:
Ok, SO. What are YOUR thoughts? About anything at all. Let’s hear it. Please, you start talking now because I am EXHAAAAAAAUUUUUSTED.
xoxo! - Alison
Other recaps from this season:
Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps