BACHELOR RECAP | EP 4: KILL ME NOW. The Episode That Confirms Ashley Made the Right Decision Last Season.

I hated this episode.  I hated it sooo much.  So, so much.  There were so many markedly more enjoyable things I could have been doing with my time, such as but not limited to: cuddzing with Honey; cuddzing with Bambino; cuddzing with Bambino and Honey and therefore HAVING A BALL; douching; talking to my uncle on the phone about his conquests early on in life; loitering in a dark alley without clothes; watching “Beaches;” touching myself (that one belongs at the front of the pack, methinks); and going to bed early.  But I didn’t do any of those things.  I watched this stupid show.  And I regret it wholeheartedly.

Anyway, where were we.

Last week, we learned that Ashley made the right decision.  We also learned that Ben is probably regretting not having tried harder to transform into JP, before Ashley made her decision.

UPDATES: Father mentioned within opening sequence?  Yes.  Hair?  Same.  Face?  Same.  Girls?  Dammit, SAME.  Aright here we go.  Fourth verse same as the worst.

We’re taken on a heli trip, as per usual, and Ben is a capable narrator.  Describing the countryside beneath him, he states the A thru F answers to one of those multiple choice questions that has a final option of “All of The Above,” and then he shares this gem…

“After Ashley turned down my proposal last season, I never thought that I’d form so many different relationships so quickly.  And I have a good feeling about them.”  Ben just *gets* life.  I can see his deceased father smiling down on him and his multiple rebound relationships.  I bet this is what his father dreamed for him.  Whoring himself out on national television.  I know I’D be proud.

Having momentarily been replaced by the soul of Brad Womack (what soul?), Ben says he looks to create memories in the outdoors with the women, because the ultimate test of a girl’s relationship-worthiness is her outdoorsiness.  THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.  So true.

Chrisharrison repels in from the open roof since I’m convinced this whole thing is staged now and let’s the girls know THE SAME F**KING THING HE TELLS THEM EVERY TIME.  He identifies how many of them are left (13), and the importance of going for it and not wasting time with Ben and remembering to hydrate, etc.  The girls nod.  Chris says “bleh bleh bleh you know what that means by now.”  Then, just going on a hunch that they probably don’t, he goes on to say “that means that…”

Chrisharrison gets this show and the calibre of girls he’s dealing with.  I really like that about Chrisharrison.

He then explains to them: “if and when you get time with Ben, USE IT WISELY.  DON’T SIT AROUND AND TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER, it could be the only time you have with him, until the next rose ceremony.”

BEHBEH takes this moment to assert that she and Ben have a great connection and that she still likes him, and that he’s really great.  ”I’m ready for one-on-one time with him again.  I wanna spend time with him, in Park City, where it’s beautiful.”  This is a new direction for BEHBEH; one we haven’t seen before; at least not in recent tapings of the show, previously aired.  This *liking* of Ben, she’s expressing is startling to me, and it takes me a few moments to fully accept what she’s telling us.

Lindzie grabs the DATE CARD

The buildup of BEHBEH wanting the date card of course means that it’s for Rachel.  And Rachel, having smoked three packs of cigarettes immediately before the announcement, says, “yaay” and all of a sudden a massive cloud of cigarette smoke escapes her lungs.  She is experiencing the deepest and opposite-of-sultriest voice I have heard up ’til now on Rachel.  Which struck me as odd, since Honey likes it when I start to lose my voice because he says it sounds sexy.  I’m pretty sure it’s because it affords me less opportunities to fill time and space with my words.  Six of one, half a dozen of the other.  But on Rachel the voice just sounds sick.  It’s a sick, bad voice.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m vomiting just hearing it.

Rachel packs a full suitcase but chooses to wear her “wife beater” tank, because she just really wants to spell it out that she is *game for anything* including wife beating.  (Rachel has trouble communicating so uses clothing to express herself at times.)  Rachel tells us that her last relationship failed because of her “communication issues.”  I predict this date goes HORRIBLY really, really well and the conversation flows like wine from Ben’s winery: boringly and with long pauses in between pours.

Reacting to Rachel getting the date card, BEHBEH says “And I no joke, sat there, and I wanted to throwww. up.”  Some of these jokes just feel too easy so I’mma just keep going…

MORE FROM THE MOUTHS OF BEHBEHS:

“I’ve always said that when I find love, it’ll be instantaneous.”  Here, we discover that BEHBEH doesn’t understand what “love” is, or the fact that you cannot predict how it will feel when it happens.

“I don’t want to see him in a helicopter with another girl, I don’t.” – things said only on the bachelor

ONE ON ONE DATE – BEN + RACHEL ‘REDUCED CAPACITY LUNG STRENGTH’ MCGEE

^ this screen grab does not even BEGIN to do justice to the pronounced state of those diamond cutters Rachel is smuggling ‘neath her message-bearing white tank.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.  Just IMAGINE if Monica had been around.  See?  Opportunities MISSED, producers.

(On the lake) Ben, creepier than whence we left him, muses with Rachel on the greatness of the lake and he does NOT flirtatiously wink at Rachel.  He does NOT.  He made that very clear, because he’s really good at letting things slide.

Searching, Ben comments on the weather in a questioning tone.

Chrisharrisonface gave us strict guidelines about what to talk about and what not to talk about.  WEATHER’S AT THE TOP OF THE DON’T-TALK-ABOUT-IT LIST.  Don’t you remember?

I’m pretty sure she does, because she kind of DOESN’T ANSWER HIM, beyond “it is” and then throws back some champy and changes the subject.  We get the feeling that this girl was the kind of student who meticulously takes down everything the teacher says verbatim and highlights entire swathes of text, uselessly.  I wonder what she’s like on the phone?  We’d probably be fast friends, because I enjoy talking 95% of the time, without interruption.

Later in the evening, Ben takes Rachel out to the forest to murder her.  Wait, sorry, that’s a– ok yeah that’s a fire.  Ok so I was right; they’re on the way to her death-by-fire in the forest.

BEN: “I don’t know what’s holding her back.”  Cameras, maybe?  Or the crew?  The fact that you mentioned a beaver damn and she’s just been spending the last 10 minutes trying not to laugh at you?  So many possibilities.

Sitting down to dinner inside the Raiders of the Lost Arc amusement park ride at Disneyworld, Rachel continues to bring The Boring to this date.  But noticing absolute silence is not as effective a tactic as she’d previously believed, she changes it up a bit.

Ok, now.  Gather round, because something really special happens here.  See, what happens is that Rachel actually has trouble communicating… the fact that she has trouble communicating.  She fails to express even the fact that she often fails to express things.  This is like the aurora borealis of horrible date situations.  They don’t happen with much frequency, but when they do, the very sight of them will cause your jaw to drop, in utter and sustained awe for the duration.  It’s a really special moment and I think we should cherish it.

Here it is again, below; let’s just bask in the glory of its luminescence:

RACHEL: “as much as, you know, it’s a first date, I don’t wanna ohh say, oh, you know ohhuhh, thisss arre my flaa-aawws.  But lemme just go ahead and do that… 

“I do wanna let you know that, for me, in past relationships, it’s something that, I’m really, I’m not good at.  You know.  And, it is, something that I’ve struggled with, in past relationships, you know, and especially my most recent one.”

BEN: “WHAT”

RACHEL: “oh, communication and like, opening up to people.”

What Ben should have said: “Oh, so you’re like me.”

What Ben said: nothing reassuring.  He also literally said nothing, because he’s terrible at communication.  LOL.  They picked a good one this year.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

So, I thought it would be fun to do an advertisement rundown of just what ABC thinks is a good fit for its target Bachelor audience.  Here are the commercials from this commercial break:

  1. “Single Bridezillas;” a new show about ladies who plan their weddings without having fiances.
  2. Ghirardelli chocolate.
  3. Afterschool Special starring John Corbett from Sex And the City, one of the most unsuspected sex symbols of our time.

^ Those sound about right.  Ok, back to the recap…

BACK TO THE HEN HOUSE FOR THE GROUP DATE CARD WHICH IS ALWAYS A MOOD BRIGHTENER

The date card is read by new-to-the-scene-”disgust-grunter” Emily who, when reading aloud the date card, ends on Courtney and says her name with utter and unmissable hatred.

Jamie, Casey S, Blakely, Samantha, Nicki, Kasie B, Courtney are on the group date.  I think I got all of them.  I’m not absolutely sure I did, but I REFUSE TO REWIND AND CHECK AT THIS POINT IN THE SHOW AS I WOULD RATHER GOUGE OUT MY EYEBALLS WITH A SOUP SPOON.

Courtney says “my fiiirst grooouuup daaate” in a celebratory tone.   But I’m not completely convinced.

BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE DATE – RACHEL AND BEN

I keep wondering if he’ll ask Rachel “so… what’s wrong with you, and why are you alone” as this has been his thing.  But the question never com–oh wait there it is.  Sorry, it happened just now, as I was saying that.

BEN, on his relationship with Rachel: “I think it’s going to be a slow burn,” he says, working the cliches at an all time high as they eat s’mores by the fire.  Hey Ben?  STFU.

ENGAGE GROUP DATE – “GET COUNTRY”

Ben does this:

And if that entrance doesn’t get them wet, he then tells the girls that they’ll be going go-cart racing and I about CUM along with Blakely and Lindzi who cum for different reasons but hey at least we’re all cummin’, amirite?  You guys, I LOVE go-cart racing!!!  It’s something my family did as a thing every time we went on an extended car trip somewhere.  But I don’t get the joke as quickly as the girls do, because apparently that is a preposterous idea and there’s obviously something else in store that makes a whole lot more sense.  Stupid, mean joke, Ben.  Ok, so, what do you have up your sleeve that’s better than go-cart racing?  Honestly, I can’t wait to see it!!!  I’m SO EXCIT–

BEHBEH: “He makes me feel… like me.  And that’s something I haven’t felt in a long time.”

Ohhh Kacie B.  Ohh, baby.

Listen, c’mere… can you c’mere for a sec?  Cuz we need to talk.  Here, you want me to peel a clementine for you?  Sure, sweetie, anything for my BEHBEH.  Just, I need to share with you some insights about life.  It’s really important to me, that we do this at some point before you have children.

Back to the bevy-en-masse, and the girls are totally fly fishing, they’re totally doing it, and Courtney catches a fish and I am SHOCKED.  Did you expect HER to be the first/only one?  That was one of the most interesting moments of the show, because the bar is not high.

BEN: “I love spending time with Courtney; I don’t know what it is.  She just kind of gets it.”… “Watching her fly fish and this girl must have done this before.”  Which is all fine, but he ALSO manages to utter a phrase that includes the words “yeah, sister!” in the most unattractive and physically revolting way possible.  At this moment I covered my eyes with the scissor hands technique I employ for horror films, because the doofiness of this man is bone-chilling and I’d like to avoid reliving it in nightmares.  This should have been grounds enough to disqualify him from continuing to be The Bachelor.  But, we press on…

COMMERCIAL BREAK – here, again, a commercial rundown:

  1. using a special new phone to flirtatiously dictate a pickup line to a guy you want to go out with who is standing right in front of you
  2. aging remedy syrum
  3. Wendy’s cheeseburgers
  4. car crash insurance
  5. can’t find your car in a parking lot
  6. Raymour & Flanigan makes your home the place where everyone wants to be.” hahahaha.  these network execs really seem to have a firm grasp on their audience.  The whole commercial break should just be one running ticker across the screen that says, “DON’T KILL YOURSELF YET; BUY THESE THINGS FIRST, ‘N SEE IF THEY HELP.  IF NOT, SORRY ABOUT HOW YOU KILLED YOURSELF.”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

We are soon taken to the bevy over at the Waldorf Astoria Park City which is totally awesome but naturally they don’t appreciate it and generally begin to complain.

BEN: “The group of women that I selected for today’s date was perfect.”  He says with all the unsubstantiated confidence in the world.  Ben pulls aside Casey S, and says, ”Casey S, she seems very adventurous, free spirited.  I like her independence, and her smile.  And her demeanor, is aDORAble.”

Let’s hope that those wonderful things Casey is known for don’t all come crashing down in some later scene in the show.

0:43 – BEN tells Casey S that he’s been in love four times.  WAWAWEEWA you guys.  That’s A LOT of times oh wait, he just said it’s not a lot of times.  Ok this… this is all starting to make a lot of sense, now.  This “Bachelor Season.”

Nicki, who is nothing if not insanely attractive today, interrupts Casey S, the ONE GIRL (well, at THIS point in the show) who doesn’t deserve to be interrupted.  In her interview, Nicki tells us that “it is terrifying how much I am feeling for Ben right now.”

It sure is.

Nicki tells Ben that she’s so. thankful. for him taking her on these group-bitch-runs, and then she goes on to say something about “the way I live life to the fullest” and that’s where I immediate-hate her because I can’t stand it when people say that.  I feel that the people who say that only say it, and don’t live it.  It’s annoying.  And then she tells Ben about her boss who died and I immediate-feel-bad about what I said about hating her.  She doesn’t deserve that.  It’s just the cliches, they’re piling up and getting to me.  Ohh, but then Ben sees her dead boss and RAISES HER the loss of a friend two days before coming to do this show, and throws in some crying on the street.  After I black out over the abysmalness of that conversation I wake up just in time to go WHUUUUUUUUUUUT?  

YOU GUYZZZZZ.  Everything, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW ok wait they just kissed.  WTF?  This was a kiss moment?  What.  is up. with this guy.

Not surprisingly, Nicki feels their death talk was successful, saying she “feel[s] really good about it.”  In the same breath, she says, ”I feel like we connected on a whole new level.  Until Samantha ruined it.”  That’s the annoying nature of fleeting, meaningless connections.  They have this crazy way of not being connections.

In this next scene, Samantha totally f**ks up by questioning Ben and kinda sorta talking about her feelings.  She should know by now that this is a NO-NO with Ben.  No feelings talk or questioning of The Game Keeper.  That’s reserved for him and him alone.  By the way, whenever a bachelor says, “to be honest, I wonder if you’re even here for me” – the bachelor’s version of “the wrong reasons” – it always makes me laugh because of course these women are here for you.  People say they come on these shows to further careers and such and the like and whatnot, but the bottom line is, they applied to be on a tv show where they hope to find love.  They’re f**king crazy in love with you, dude.

Anyone surprised like I was at Ben’s diva rant at Samantha?  Copping the ultimate dude attitude, Ben says, “what I wanna see is if you can kind of handle yourself in a group setting, because, to be honest with you, group dates that you’ve been on you’ve been… kind of… highly *eMOTIONal, … sooo, *that’s* why you continue to be on GROUP dates.  ….. he goes on to say, “and based on your track record… I’m thinking that we should probably end this.”

So, here, we see what Ben really means by his statement to Ashley last season when he said, “things have to end badly, or they won’t end at all.”  Ben is unusually committed to enforcing this personal rule, which seems to be all about pinning everything wrong with your relationship WITH a girl, ON that girl.  Which means I FINALLY GET where these random girls I’ve met in life are getting their “my failure to keep a relationship is all my fault” crosses they bear.  It’s guys like you, who need to drop napalm on a girl during a break-up instead of normal guy behavior, which is of course to avoid making a girl cry, at all costs.

DIVA BEN: “I couldn’t believe what Samantha was saying.  Some of these women haven’t even been on dates this week.”  At this point I’m thinking Ben should star in one of those Snickers commercials where a dude turns into Aretha Franklin when he hasn’t had his sugar fix yet.  I feel the role, at this point, would have been successfully executed with either choice.  Because, seriously?  Ben, seriously?  WTF, dude.  You are becoming the diva to end all divas.  I’m starting to feel like you and the pageant girl would have been PERFECT together, based on this.  Oh wait, I just realized why you sent her home – THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Samantha let’s the girls know that she’s going home, and Nicki says “you’re a great person… ok?”  to Samantha.  Ok, I mean she does need consoling but there’s really no need for outright lies.

COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD TIEMPO

The card goes to Ginger Jennifer, and it’s ”Let’s pick our love song.”  And I have nothing interesting to say about it.  - things Rachel would say

Currently the ladies are still on that super fun group date they’re all havin’, and Kacie B and Ben get some time alone.  Dressed in a sweater she borrowed from the horses stable meant for keeping the horses warm at night, Kacie B and Ben walk down the hallway to a surprisingly tight hotel room for the Waldorf.  Ben tells her he wanted to kiss her when they were out today, but the girls were “glaring.”  I AM BOTH SHOCKED BY HIS FEELINGS FOR HER, AND I LOVE THEM TOGETHER.  This is the kind of girl he should be with.  It’s sort of a lover/daddy relationship though, so I don’t love THAT aspect, but hey, sometimes a girl needs a father figure to go along with the penis.  Don’t judge; we need what we need.

BEN: “I’m in trouble with Kacie B.  My relationship with Kacie B is growing faster, than, than most.  Uggh.  I like this girl.  Her smile and her demeanor.  Her attitude towards everything.”… “I don’t know man, I mean I might end up with her.  … she’s wonderful.”

OK.  REAL TALK.  In the elevator scene, when Ben and LIDDLE BEHBEH kiss, I’m gonna be honest… it turns me on.  They have some real sexual chemistry.  Which means I’m kind of frustrated with my choice of nicknames for the girl.  Because it makes me feel kinda like a pedophile.  I can’t write “LIDDLE BEHBEH kisses turn me on.”  That’s just not going to fly.

Next, Kacie B. and Ben walk back to the courtyard where Courtney is and so BEN TURNS INTO ALL-ABOUT-COURTNEY-BEN.  BEHBEH?  Not pleased.

Naked, and wrapped in what has to be a somewhat smelly, rolled-out layer of poop… no wait, sorry, those are just brown towels– Ben and Courtney immediately make out and then no joke I totally not on purpose pause on her face looking like this

She is the gift that keeps on giving, in recap land.

We pan back to the bevy, and Nicki and LIDDLES are looking insurmountably attractive by this point, and should have no fear about competition, going forward.

jk.

Ok.  I can’t not say it– it’s becoming abundantly clear the girls have given up on hygiene and styling much earlier this year than in previous seasons.  LIDDLE BEHBEH seems to be actively thwarting herself, her own self, from looking bangable.  This pains me.  Especially when I know that a curling iron could do so much right now, for her chances.

An aside - and this one’s on the house – ladies, it doesn’t really matter where in the relationship you think you are with a man; if there is also one or more women who are also trying to date your man whilst you date him, you cannot – I repeat, you cannot – pump the breaks on the beauty routine.  I’m not saying getting fancy is a hard and fast rule in all scenarios, what I’m saying is if you started off with voluminous beach waves and dewey, clear skin, it would be a mistake to, all of sudden, up and run with what you look like upon your return from Outward Bound.  You just can’t switch it up like that.  … Behbeh.  And Nicki.

We see that Courtney’s theatrics earlier in the date, combined with the five minutes extra she invested in her beauty routine compared to the other girls, wins her the rose.  Ben apparently was going to give it to BEHBEH MCLIDDLES.  This is definitely winning, Courtney.  By the way how ’bout you stop saying “winning” here on out, cool?  No?  Ok.

COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

ONE ON ONE DATE : BEN + JENNIFER, CONT’D – SIMPLE CRATER SPELUNKING INTO INESCAPABLE CAVE OF DARK WATER

Jennifer’s packing, and has chosen an outfit that hides a lovely little bikini beneath it, just in case.

Let’s git hot in da hot tub!  Gettin’ hot in da hot tub!!!  I’m chanting it at this point.  I need some hot tub action, producers.  This episode has been painfully deficient in this category and I’m drying up at an alarming rate.

Next thing we know, they’re approaching a barron patch of land, an area where, presumably, if one were seeking out an ideal location to dispose of a body, this would be one of the locations that person would consider.  Jennifer says, “I see a rusty cage, over a hole.”  I toy around with the idea of pulling one of approximately 1000 possible jokes born of the words *rusty* and *hole*, but then realize that some jokes are simply too easy, and therefore should be left alone, unuttered.

For this date, Ginger Jennifer and I were totally expecting something much more romantic.  You know, because, as it happens, typically men do romantic things with women in the beginning.  NOT SO, ON THE BACHELOR.  Still, we held out hope that it’d be something sweet, maybe a picnic, or some kind of hot tub activit–

No Trespassing sign? ^ Nice touch, location scouters.

For this date, Jennifer is wearing:

  1. a yellow string bikini.
  2. a harness.

Now, if you read last week’s recap, you know that this would have been MY deepest-fear-generated-one-on-one-date with Ben.  It’s as if they designed it just for me.  With the boat date earlier in the show, and now this, with the jumping into dark water with no way out.  I feel like my one-on-one has been stolen from me, and I can’t do anything about it.

COMMERCIAL / AAAAAND WE’RE BACK

JENNIFER: “Nothing can ruin this perfect date with Ben.”  Then the skies go from nice to stormy.  I took middle school drama; I remember what this means.  This is definitely one of those foreshadowing things, so I’m pretty sure this date is going to go south in the romance department.

BEN: “Things are going well with Jen.  She’s a good kisser, she seems like she comes from a good family, she’s outdoorsy.”  All great indicators of a great connection.  I like it, this is quality Ben.

Ok so that foreshadowing back there was literally for a storm.  It’s literally raining.  I didn’t see that coming, actually.  I have to stop reading into/thinking intelligently about these editing tactics.

NEXT SCENE – Back at home with the bevy, Courtney acts a fool, saying that Jennifer is either normal, or horrible.  Big difference, but not in the way the words are spoken because I rewound it upwards of three times.  Indecipherable.  She goes on to fart out:

“Like, I get along REALLY WELL with guys, like, I’ve always had boyfriends.  Sooo… that’s more natural to me than being in a house full of women.”  Don’t you LOVE girls like this?

The girls react with facial expressions I would expect, and some girls including Emily talk in the bathroom about how no one’s told Ben how horrible Courtney is…. fed up, Emily commits herself to this task.  But not until Blakely’s done touching up her roots, because you gotta bring your A-Game when you’re up to bat.  I’m talking to YOU, LIDDLE BEHBEH.

Now, if history serves us well, this will be the smartest move Emily could mak– wait, that’s wrong.  That’s totally wrong, I’m sorry; that is actually not what history tells us.  Ok Emily is going to screw herself.

We return to 1 on 1 with Ben and Jennifer, already in progress.

Ben gives Jen a rose, after he tells her he didn’t totally expect that he’d want to give her a rose.  NICE.  Girls love hearing that you’re on the fence about them, and that they were a clutch decision.  He also says he sees this working because she goes with the flow.  Ahhhhhhh, Ben.  You, sir, are a catch among catches!

NEXT SCENE – BEN + JENNIFER RUN DOWN HILL TO CONCERT THEY THINK IS THEIR OWN

JENNIFER: “[some country star] is having a concert for me and Ben.”  Hahahahaha.  It’s not just for you guys.  “It makes me feel really special that Ben would put this together for me.”  BEN DIDN’T PUT THIS DATE TOGETHER FOR YOU.

Tell me, Jennifer, what about part one of your date?  Did THAT make you feel really special?

I’m confused about these girls, season after season.  They always think something was put together by Ben.  It’s the producers, that put these things together, for Ben.  And you get to go, totally arbitrarily and/or based on the fears you stupidly shared with the casting crew.  You know those shows, where everybody involved in the show who isn’t part of the trick, you know how those shows can’t go on for too many seasons because at some point the whole world has seen the program so most people know what’s up so they can’t effectively trick anyone anymore for new shows?  These girls are the girls who they dig up for the those kinds of shows when those shows are in their 10th year of production, and you’re all like, HOWWWWWW did these idiots not know this was for “[insert name of reality trickster show]????”

In the end, Ben says he’s already looking forward to the next time he sees Jennifer.  She’s “one of those women who I can see myself with.”  Yippee!  I actually don’t care.

ROOM OF FEROCIOUS GIRLS TIME

EMILY, about Courtney: “Either he doesn’t know what he wants, or he doesn’t know her…. or, that IS what he wants, and we’re all fooling ourselves into thinking that he might want someone real and genuine and intelligent and normal.”

This is a key moment in the show for Emily because it’s the moment she states exactly what the truth is, but also doesn’t believe herself.

Emily: ” I think Ben will appreciate me telling him about Courtney.”

(This is when Honey chimed in, saying: “No he will not.  He won’t like that.”)

Emily goes and blabs about Courtney to Ben.  BEN IS NOT PLEASED.  Emily is visibly shaken, and is worried it didn’t make him love her more.

Emily: “I think it could have backfired.”

(Honey says: “Yeah it did.  You should have listened to me.”)

Emily really should have listened to Honey.  And the one hundred million other people screaming at their televisions that it was a bad idea.

Emily reminds me of the whirling rainbow pinwheel on my Apple computers in the way she is now spiraling out of control with regard to Courtney.  And Casey S reminds me of a politician because she flip-flops the shiite out of her behavior up until now, challenging Emily’s opinion of Courtney, and then carrying that information from Emily to Courtney like a trained courier pigeon, except with a slightly smaller brain.

I call this moment in the show, The Moment We Find Out That Casey S is a F**king Sh**ty Person, Instead of Adorable.

Casey S does the honorable thing and proceeds to start s**t between two girls in the bevy.  Summoning every evil female protagonist in every horror movie ever produced, Courtney reacts to the news of Emily’s little encounter with Ben:

Casey S realizes what she’s done.

Meanwhile, Nicki’s blacking out from sheer Ben love

Back inside and ready to decapitate a bitch and then scream down into her neck with unyielding fury, Courtney wants to get inside Emily’s head.  And all she needs is someone to start a meaningless conversation that she can warp into a living, breathing hate fire.  Thankfully, BEHBEH steps up to the plate with a doozie.

Courtney launches some unclear word jabs in and around Emily’s face.

BURN, Courtney.  You are the queen of zinging!  Your zings are like so many feathers, falling slowing to the ground, almost weightless, and with no strength or ability to do anything other than float, fecklessly about.

Still, Emily gets uncomfortable and does that forced laughter thing you do when someone calls you out.  Fortunately she has no one by her side to defend her.

Courtney also talked of shaving off Emily’s eyebrows and how Emily’s now on her shit list and dont f**k with me i’m nice, etc.  hahahahaha, girls kill me.  Hey at least she’s keeping it real, you guys.  Honestly I don’t know what to say about this because I’m actually really scared that she might actually pursue killing me, and not just with her words this time, should she happen upon my recaps.

COMMERCIAL / BACK!

Courtney generally goes BALLISTIC on Emily, in a kind of “I’m going to eat you from the inside until your skin starts to fall off because my effing with you will undoubtedly result in high blood pressure and an extreme emotional state, the two of which will, in tandem, work to burn up your organs and melt your skeletal structure.  And then your skin falls off, that’s how that happens.”  Emily cries to the cameras.  Courtney uses phrase “winning” again, negating any and all power she just had on us, and making us laugh at her again.

By the way–

Next thing we know, Chrisharrison announces that the Rose Ceremony will be commencing shortly.  THANKS, MAN!  Your role on this show is indispensable.

COMMERCIAL / BACK!   ROSE CEREMONY TIME BITCHEZ.

8 roses to hand out.  The three ladies who already have roses = Courtney, Jennifer and I’m pretty sure Rachel got one too because, hey, those are SOME TITS, amirite?

Ben starts handing out the remaining roses…

Lindzie – “absolutely.”  wittle huggy!

Jamie – “yes.  thank you.”  maternal hug n rub on the back.  that’s exactly how I’d be doing it.  Ben needs a mother figure.

Nikki – “course i will.”  cheek kiss!  huggies!  we don’t have a connection!

LIDDLE BEHBEH – :)

Elyse – ELYSE??

Second to last is Blakely.  And then…  wait for it… wait for it… here it comes… it’s coming….

EMILY?!!!!!!

Final Rose in hand, we can almost hear the thought bubbles inside the women’s heads:

And then Monica, one of my favorites but also all of sudden one of the saddest sads in the lot – and there are some real sad ones so that’s saying something – Monica proceeds to make me feel absolutely positively horrible about the human condition and her lot in life.  “It sucks when he doesn’t feel the way you feel.  It’s the most painful feeling in this world.  I want a marriage, I want all that good stuff.  I just want it to last. I just, I want it to be right.  And I’m skeptical if that even exists anymore.”

F**K.   That is so sad.  I really like Monica so I almost feel like I would be a huge bitch if I even touched on this, so I’m leaving it alone.  I feel deeply bad for her, but I know she’ll bounce back because she’s a cool cat.  (No jokes here, seriously.)

SHOW ENDS.  WE RETURN TO BEVY + BEN

They clink glasses, and Courtney says, “I can go higher than anybody!”

Yes you can, Courtney.  Yes you can.

And then some decent show called Castle, I think, comes on and it’s starting to annoy me how much they’re trying to sound like Sex and the City with their show intros.  Come on.  You’re not fooling anybody.

That hurt.  Seriously this recap, I mean, I can’t believe I just spent the better part of more than two days putting this barrel of horse shit together.  I honestly don’t know if I can keep watching this season.  I’m really gonna need some encouragement.  I’m not even like, kidding, like, at all.

Aright, I would love to hear YOUR thoughts/reactions.  Please.  Throw ‘em at me.

xoxo  - Alison

Other recaps from this season:

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 2

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 3

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 5

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 2

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps

Love all of this...

31 comments

  1. Ria on January 26, 2012

    Your two days of barreling all of these thoughts was hilarious!!! And the close-ups of Courtney!!!! What will happen next week?

    Reply
  2. Jessica on January 26, 2012

    Alison,
    You MUST continue! You were my favorito wedding blogger way back when I was a mere fiancee struggling with decisions like ‘is chevron too intense of a stripe for napkins’ and ‘is it even appropriate to want killer cleavage on my wedding day’. These days, although I admire weddings from afar, I have had enough wedding planning for 2 seasons of My Gypsy Wedding. I. Die. reading your recaps, and it’s seriously the highlight of my week (a close second is obvi The Bachelor, as much as I hate to admit it. I have my Honey addicted too. Oops.) Please oh please oh please continue.

    I am counting on you. COUNTING!!!

    Reply
  3. Lena on January 26, 2012

    After reading this, I actually laugh-cried myself into such a state that I needed to be resuscitated. They kept asking, “Leeeena, are you all right? Leeeeeena, come back to us!”

    But I couldn’t, because this is so f*CKING GOOD. You exceeded my expectations, which were admittedly high, because this episode was SO F*CKED UP. And you touched on the moments I rewound and made John watch over and over again, namely Ben NOT looking comfortable on a horse after proclaiming that his woman must be a magnificent nature beauty. And Courtney saying, “I can go higher than anybody.” Because I couldn’t believe that a person would actually say that kind of nonsense without being on drugs/horribly inebriated with roofies/asked to by the producers.

    Reply
  4. Janessa on January 26, 2012

    I think i’d like to take you home to meet my mom and dad.

    Reply
  5. Lindsay on January 26, 2012

    Don’t you dare stop with the recaps! I die laughing each and every time. These women are so lame but you make watching this god awful show so much fun!

    Reply
  6. cheryl74 on January 26, 2012

    Found your recap by accident (luck) and laughed my @ss off. You can’t quit me now!!

    Reply
  7. Morgan on January 26, 2012

    I LOVE your recaps!! I found you off of Ashley Spivey’s twitter. You’re hilarious. I, too, hate Ben and find him to be completely boring. However, I can’t stop watching this shit if my life depended on it. It’s like a car crash.

    Reply
  8. Lyndi on January 26, 2012

    “Here, you want me to peel a clementine for you?”

    There were many, many points in your review that made me laugh out loud, but I snorted red wine through my nose when I read that. For realsies. I love your weird brain, lady.

    Reply
  9. Colleen {Soundtrack To I Do} on January 26, 2012

    Seriously LOVE the screen shots. They’re my favorite part of the recaps this season. With your amazeballs captions, of course. Although, you forgot to mention at the end of the show, when Ben announced that they were going to Vieques, Puerto Rico and they all squealed with glee, and then Courtney chimed in, “I was just there 4 months ago.” That was a highlight for me.

    Reply
  10. Deb on January 26, 2012

    Pleeasssee don’t quit! You have a true talent/gift and a wicked sense of humor. Your perceptions about this show/season/cast are spot on.

    I happened upon your recaps by chance last week, and, like others I laugh/cried (yes, literally out loud) all the way though. Whether they comment or not, agree or disagree, I am confident your readers are completely entertained! Thank you for the time, energy and angst that goes into each re-cap. I can’t wait for the next episode and your editorial of it!

    Reply
  11. Kels on January 26, 2012

    This weeks recap came just in time, after a horrible day. I swore I wouldn’t watch this season but I tune in Monday JUST to prepare for your recap. Hilarious as always! Except you forgot to mention how at the end when he says they are ‘off to Puerto Rico’ (I think that’s where they’re headed) and Courtney says, “I was just there two months ago.” cricket, cricket. Seriously, that girl is something else and those pursed lips drive me NUTS! Go away Courtney, just go away. I’m team BEHBEH all the way!

    Reply
  12. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on January 26, 2012

    That was so worth the wait. My DVR didn’t fail me this time and I actually got to watch this epi, and I swear we share a brain. Like, you’re IN my thoughts on the bachelor. And I think our honeys might too, b/c mine said the exact same two lines at the exact same two moments. He also noticed Rachel’s braless diamond cutters before me (of course he did) and said “She’ll get a rose b/c of that bust.” BUST. Didn’t know people said that anymore. to their wife. about boobs. I wouldn’t be jealous except we have the same haircut but she has my old (pre-baby) boobs and a nose piercing I’m sort of coveting for some odd reason.

    Most of all, I love that you used photos of Courtney where she does that weird lip-turning-inward-when-she-talks thing. And that you caught and commented on her “I can go higher than everyone” comment. She made a comment right before that and I told the hubs, “she’s totally a one-upper.” And then she said “I can go higher than anyone.” Thanks for proving my point Courtney.

    Can you come over next week and watch the Bachelor with me. Because I feel like it could be the most fun thing I’ve ever done. like ever.

    your hard work does not go unappreciated. seriously, amazing effing job my friend! xx

    Reply
  13. Anna on January 27, 2012

    Literally the only thing keeping me watching this season is your recaps. ABC should seriously pay you, I know all my friends only watch so we can speculate your reactions (and screenshots) later in the week. I would NOT be watching this season if it weren’t for you! If you stop the recaps a part of my soul might die. We can’t let Courtney win, amirite? Literally love this. Thank you thank you thank you, my friends and I are in your debt :)

    Reply
  14. Kate on January 27, 2012

    This is one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever read. I follow Ashley Spivey on twitter so when she recommended your blog I gave it a shot. And i am SO glad I did. Seriously, cracked up the whole time, made my stomach hurt I laughed so hard. Love the way you interpret things too, like Ben’s attitude. He’s not my fave. Keep it up, PLEASE! You definitely gained a new follower!!

    Reply
  15. Abby on January 27, 2012

    At this point, I’m watching the show so that I can understand the jokes when I read your recaps. Let’s get real, the recaps are totally better than the show. Keep ‘em coming, please!

    Reply
  16. Marit on January 27, 2012

    I am so glad this god awful show is on, so that I can read your recaps and make pee pee in my pants.

    Reply
  17. Rogue Bride on January 27, 2012

    I think I’ve spent a half hour reading this post and laughing my butt off. I don’t even watch the show. Your recaps are waaaay better. Thank you for spending 2 freakin’ days on this. Paid off.

    Reply
  18. Great recap! *sigh*courtney. I genuinely hate her and we all know that Ben thinks with his peen and is probably going to pick her. I love me some behbeh but I agree, she needs to step it up in the looks department if she’s gonna win him over. My faves? Beh beh and Jennifer. They’re both so cute and at least one of them is perfect for Ben. I agree that it was a little bittersweet seeing Monica go, but everyone knew she didn’t really have a connection with Ben (then again, did she really get a chance?) but I felt bad for her to.

    Reply
  19. Tierney on January 27, 2012

    Girl. Girllllllllllllllll. I feel your pain. I couldn’t watch last season’s Bachelorette since I thought the quasi-dentist was annoying and had a big forehead and I was all hyped up for EMILY. And then I felt guilty and knew if I didn’t get back in the game, I would be removed forever.

    Then we get this kid who looks like a mix between a monkey and that tennis player man who looks like a caveman monkey. (So, what I’m saying is, Ben is a monkey caveman tennis player.)

    Anyway, I say all that to say this. Literally, the ONLY reason I am watching this season (since I have confirmation that I get “Ah just luuuuhve mah bay-bay guuurl” Emily next season) is so that I can read your recaps and giggle at work.

    That’s it.

    So, if you don’t go on, I can’t go on.

    PS: You might be one of the funniest bloggers I’ve read. Ever. I really only read your blog to keep up with Bambino and giggle at your posts since, you know, I’m not getting married anytime soon. Keep it upppppppppp!

    Reply
  20. The Blind Bride on January 27, 2012

    I DVR it so I can fast forward through any scenes that include a live band. For some reason it makes the show much more bearable. Why does it make me so uncomfortable to watch a shitty band and girls who are so impressed that Ben (not Ben) booked this shitty band just for them?
    The down side of recording the show is that I haven’t seen the commercials for single bridezillas… knowing that there are crazier women out there than those on the bachelor is either horrifying or redeeming for the population of the US.

    Reply
  21. Casey on January 27, 2012

    Oh man – I am totally with you, watching this season is getting BRUTAL! But keep going with teh recaps if you can! I’m now going to refer to Courtney as “Derp” as in one of your photos, hahaha. Remember at the end of the episode when Ben announces they are going to some random island and Derp says, “I was there last month sooooooo” like a SNL Penelope one-upper sketch? Ugh, derp.

    Reply
  22. Alexis on January 27, 2012

    This was amazing… now that I’ve started reading you can’t stop posting these!!

    I’m so glad that the entire world (you and Ellen included) hate Courtney as much as I do!

    Reply
  23. isabelle on January 27, 2012

    Oh, holy, amazingness. I shared this with everyone I know.. except my parents! And honestly, I might need to send a link their way right now…

    5 stars, A plus, Bravo! I can’t wait until next week!

    Reply
  24. Wendy on January 27, 2012

    As always, thanks for your great recap! But… you missed what I thought was the funniest part of the entire night. If you still have it on DVR, turn up the sound at the VERY end. When they are clinking glasses, Ben announces next week will be in Puerto Rico (I think?) All the girls yell and scream and are excited, and then Courtney blurts out in the best-most-condescending voice “I was there last week.” Awkward silence ensues until Ben says something like “OK, so you’ll get to go again! YAY!” and all the cheers continue. Laugh. Out. Loud. Love it.

    Reply
  25. Kelly on January 27, 2012

    I don’t even watch the bachelor but I read your recaps cause they make me laugh out loud, literally. And that doesn’t happen too often at work. Maybe I shouldn’t be reading them at work, cause I think the frequency of people laughing out loud is directly related to the appropriateness of said laughing…

    Reply
  26. Shannon on January 27, 2012

    First of all, you are hilarious. I especially love seeing the pictures. Second, when I heard Courtney say, “I can reach higher than anyone”, I died. If Ben picks her, it’s going to be a PAINFUL finale… Kacie B is my favorite, but she’s only 24! She does NOT need to be finding love on a reality tv show!!

    Reply
  27. Mary on January 27, 2012

    My friends and I all get together on Monday nights to watch the Bachelor and then wait impatiently for your recap. We are obsessed. I’m serious. Please keep them coming, and know that the better part of my friend group all calls each other LIDDLE BEHBEHs whenever we’re feeling sorry for each other. <3

    Reply
  28. Kate N. on January 27, 2012

    1. What about the part at the very very very end where Courtney goes, in response to the announcement about where they’re going next week, “Oh. I was just there 2 months ago” as they’re cheers-ing.

    2. I live probably 40 minutes away from where Casey S. is from (Kansas, baby) and she’s the 2nd or 3rd girl from that area to make it onto the Bachelor. The papers used to make kind of a big deal about any time a local girl made it onto the show, but I haven’t seen anything this time. Moving in the right direction.

    3. If I ever heard a guy compliment me on my “demeanor” I’d be like WTF stfu right now. The only time I can possibly imagine commenting on something’s “demeanor” would be if I were trying to match a rescue dog with the right family. It’s just not a good word for talking about ladies.

    Reply
  29. Nikki on January 27, 2012

    Your screen captures are killing me! I liked Casey S until she pulled that shit, and seriously who thinks Courtney is a nice person?? WTF

    Reply
  30. Melissa on January 29, 2012

    PLEASE NEVER STOP BLOGGING ABOUT THE SHOW. I just spent the last few hours reading your posts about this season and I cried tears of JOY. You are hilarious. Don’t stop!!

    Reply
  31. Libby on January 30, 2012

    PLEASE DON’T STOP! ABC teased skinny dipping this week and I’m dying to hear you recap that!

    Reply

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