Happy late Friday evening, friendlies… :)
I found two Tic Tacs hiding in the upper hood part of my last remaining Tic Tac dispenser a little while ago. So, I mean I don’t wanna call it yet, but I think I might have avoided that whole Friday the 13th/bad luck thing today. So I’m feeling good. I’m really feeling good about that. So what better than to give advice to someone who’s feeling pretty shi**y right now? Eh? Right? I think it’s the perfect time.
But first, here’s a short bit of YouTube heaven Honey showed me that just might have made my entire life with its incredibleness. (You sort of have to understand me to understand why. And I’m a pretty open book so I think that means all of you even if you’re visiting for the first time ever will understand why this is my s**t.)…….
Ok, SO! This evening we’ve got a li’l somethin’ somethin’ I like to call a Reader Question to address today. Why today? Well because a considerable portion of the questions that get submitted to the blog have an alarming sense of urgency to them; like “would you answer this before I choose the only apparent remaining option of killing myself?” So I like to– I like to answer those ones fast. If you feel me.
Now, Miss C – who submitted today’s question – is a familiar reader, and I can attest a very sane, smart one, too. So while I know she isn’t choosing between life and death, I still wanted to take this one on POSTHASTE.
I am doubly elated & chagrined at your newest addition to TKB: real life issues with your in-laws. Elated(!) because it’s a mucho necessary and quite amusing feature. Chagrined because, well, I’m still only engaged–not even yet married–and my in laws are already creating all sorts of pre-marital grief. In other words, I need your h-e-l-p.
The long & short (I’ll do my best…): my fiance and I have decided to not have any children at our reception. Not an uncommon occurrence. We’re having an evening wedding in Boston in December & our venue isn’t kid friendly per se (think glass walls and boutique hotel). This no kids decision includes his nieces and nephew who will range between the ages of 2-11 when we take our vows. They will be part of our wedding ceremony, and since we’re getting married at Christmas time we have plans to treat the older kids to the Rockette’s Christmas show in Boston during our reception, so they, too, get a fun night out. Kinda cute, right?
Except for the fact my fiance’s mother has metamorphosized into some sort of sniper and is attacking us from what feels like every angle. Now, we weren’t stupid. We knew there’d be resistance to our throwing a no-kids bash. But apparently we’re a bit more ignorant than previously imagined because his family’s reaction to our decision has us both very thrown. His mother is leading this bandwagon. She will not see eye-to-eye with us. We’ve explained–the venue isn’t appropriate, the kids will still be included in our ceremony, we will arrange & pay for a babysitter/accommodations/child-friendly activities to make sure the kids are entertained and well cared for. We’re also hosting a brunch the day after the wedding for immediate family which will include his nieces and nephews. NONE of this is good enough. I’m about ready to get off that illustrious “high road” and start tossing around some “tough f$%*@! cookies.”
To be honest, my fiance and I are equally hurt and befuddled by her reaction. She’s already used his older brothers as weapons, citing the fact neither of them chose to exclude children at their weddings, in fact “they didn’t even consider venues that weren’t kid-friendly.” My gut reaction? Big whoop, lady. Never mind the fact, only one grandchild existed when his last brother got married. There are now five grandchildren total. This is our wedding, and since each of her sons is an individual person, he will, in turn, make his own personal decisions. I don’t think we’re being selfish in our wishes. We’ve thought long and hard about how best to include the children in our very important day, but somehow this is lost on her. She keeps talking about when she closes her eyes, she pictures the children there, celebrating with us. Except she’s missing the major consideration–that it our day, and while we never thought everyone would agree with the decisions and considerations we’ll make about our wedding day, her attitude and accompanying guilt trips steal away from our own happiness and excitement about getting married.
How do we get across that we are: a.) firm in our decision b.) understand family reservations but c.) ultimately want everyone to respect our wishes? I’m desperate, Alison. I need a hail Mary pass. Like yesterday. How do I remain calm and empathetic when each day that passes I feel more targeted and challenged by his mother and accompanying family’s disapproval?
Dear Miss C,
Welcome to the world of the engaged/married! Where you get to interact with people who, if it weren’t for your falling in love with your fiancé, you probably would never have met at all.
The beautiful part of your dilemma is that you and your fiancé see eye to eye on the issue. That is excellence, and a better start than most in your style of predicament. I wish you both continued like-mindedness in your future.
Ok. My first thought is for you to write one mass letter, addressed to his mother and the parents of all of the children who are effected by your very appropriate, sensible and considerate decision regarding the ceremony, reception and brunch. You really are going above and beyond with your solution, and I am impressed and moved by the arrangements you’re making for everyone!
You do not – I repeat, you do not – need to apologize in any way. There is nothing that you’re doing that requires one. Actually, they should be asking your forgiveness for putting you through all this stress. Be straight forward and confidently know that what you’re doing is proper, because it is.
Include in the body of the letter how thrilled you both are to have found one another and how happy you will be to have them all celebrate your special day together. Tell them how much you want the children to be at the ceremony and the next day’s brunch. Then tell them how you and your fiance envisioned your reception being an adult only event and because of that, and also desiring to entertain the children who will be attending two of the three scheduled events, you have arranged enjoyable, alternate and age specific attractions for them during the reception.
(Be assured C, that most kids are bored at receptions or just run around and eventually either fall asleep on the floor or seek the attention of their parents, which usually prevents these same parents from having a great time.)
Close with stating a hope that they will honor your personal wishes and make your and your fiance’s wedding day the most wonderful day in your lives, and one which they contributed to making possible.
This, if they are empathetic future relatives, should do it. If not, eff them. <– optional.
P.S., you guys – Honey took Bambino to the office today. Where two other dogs were already broughtenified by coworkers. Bambino doesn’t understand the concept of “taking breaks” or “not playing eight hours straight without aforementioned breaks not taken” so, as you can imagine, he was a puddle of this at the end of the day:
Can I be honest, for a second, with you guys? I didn’t miss him while he was gone. I got SO MUCH WORK DONE. Is that terrible? I’m a terrible, terrible parent, aren’t I.
So, back to the meat (or vegan patty – I don’t want to offend) of this post — what are your thoughts for today’s reader, you guys? I’d love for Miss C to have a lot of perspectives on this, since, as you know, I’m only one girl, with one perspective, who happens to have her own soapbox.
xoxo! - Alison
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