THE BACHELOR RECAP | EPISODE 3: SUPER MELLOW + DOWN TO EARTH + DRAMA FREE.

Oh hi- hello, I didn’t see you there.  Welcome to late Wednesday evening.  Your Bachelor Recap is ready.  Sorry it took me exactly the same amount of time that it took me last time to get it up.  That’s what she said.

PREFACE

Ahhhh this show.  This show!  It is nothing if it is not a girl’s guide to how not to act in a relationship.  New, never before experienced levels of mean were introduced to our worlds and etched on our souls, like so many horror films we have regretfully agreed to watch over time at the behest of our significant others.  These girls wrote the book on meanness.  They were the true story inspiration for that film that coke-fiend starred in when she was not yet a coke-fiend.  And wouldn’t ya know, I really thought I was going to miss the theatrics of one Jenna The Blogger.  You guys.  It took three minutes for this episode to make me go “Who’s Jenna?”.  Jenna is a delightful, calming breeze on a warm summer day, to me, now that I’ve seen this episode.  Jenna, you are a shining, incandescent touchstone of reason amidst insurmountable frenzy of the mind and heart.  You are now my female-Ames-equivalent; I will forever have you in mind.

IN TODAY’S TOP NEWS

1. I have officially added ‘Butt Skiing Backwards’ to My Leap List.  In other news, I have created a Leap List.  It has one item on it.

2. BEN UPDATE: no adjustments/improvements have been made to Ben’s appearance since last week’s recap where I indirectly pleaded for it.  Especially, and most notably, his hair issue.  I think he’s bathing in EVOO before tapings and then brushing his hair out with one of those brushes you buy for little girls without a lot of hair and so the bristles, they’re too soft to get between individual hair strands and so all the brush does is creative static and flatness.  And womanliness.  Still acclimating to this.

Ok I just have to come out and say it.  Ben reminds me of the neanderthals on the Geico commercials.  I’M SORRY.  Is that terrible?  It’s my truth.  And so it is written.  Because I am a truth teller.

3. I’m excited about the new bikini sunshine skiing addition to the show.  I look forward to it becoming a staple feature on the show ad infinitum.

4. My new favorite person of the week = BEHBEH MCLIDDLES.

^ can YOU do that?  I certainly can’t do that.  And she did that BY ACCIDENT.

You know that Allison Krauss song, “New Favorite?”  I’m singing that for Kacie B.  You might be shocked that I’m saying that but I mock the ones I love.  FYI as I sing, Ben’s on the ivory keys backing me up.  His sweet, soulful rendition of [insert any love song learned in college to woo women] gives me tingles in my special parts.  It is amazing.  It is seriously amazing.  It is seriously the most amazing thing I have ever seen or heard in my life, his piano playing and on a scale of 1 to 10 I have never felt this way before IN MY LIFE and I am the luckiest girl in the world and these are all direct quotes about meaningless moments from the girls on this season of The Bachelor.

YOU HAVE REACHED THE PROPER START TO YOUR BACHELOR EPISODE 3 RECAP.  AAAAAAAND BEGIN.

So!  The Bachelor comes on and I am immediately lost.  Full-blown out of my element and gasping for air.  On a scale of 1 to 10 I feel confused and vexed.  Then I remember how it usually takes me a little time to calibrate to *crazy.*  I really screwed myself transitioning directly into this from “The Green Mile.”

Ben talks about last week, saying this:

You guys, I was so wrong.  Ben IS funny, and NOT totally removed from the reality of his current experience!  Things are looking up.

Next, we see Ben is approaching an attractive, level-headed looking young lady and could this be a match made in heave– CRAP IT’S HIS SISTER.  He can’t date his sister, right?  Right, ok.

They sit for a drink that probably costs $5.50 and he gets to telling his sister about how the girls are all professional…

… and I’m left wondering, “does Ben just flat out lie to his sister all the time?  If I were asked to describe these women, as a collective unit, I think “professional” would kick in at about #147.  There are maybe, what, two? three? professionals? in the bevy?  Maybe Ben grew up with access only to urbandictionary.com and not merriam webster and so “professional” means one of the following (copied verbatim from urbandictionary.com):

1. a prostitute; the oldest professional. Used in sentence: Your girl is loose; she aint nothing but a professional.
2. Somebody who gets paid for what they do (as opposed to an amateur).
3. Somebody who works at a job that requires a decent amount of skill and knowledge. Examples: physician, carpenter, chef, engineer. Counter-examples: fast-food clerk, toll-booth attendant, marketing executive, politician, preacher.
4. A Yuppie. The term is used in this way only by Yuppies themselves.
Used in sentence:
“Bob finally realized his dream of becoming a professional bowler.”
“35 year old white female professional seeks black male for bondage fantasies. Must be discreet.”

Ok, Urban Dictionary seems to be Ben’s dictionary of reference.

BEN’S SISTER: “Anyone who you think mom would like, or who I would like?”

BEN: “ohh yeah.  there’s Lindzie, who came on a horse.  There’s LIDDLE BEHBEH.  There’s Courtney.  Who’s a model.  I think that you two would totally hit it off.

whoa WHOA WHOOAAAA, BEN.  Did you just inadvertently call your sister a total bitch on TELEVISION?  Was that an accident, or are we witnessing passive aggressive Ben, with that.  You’ve got some deep issues, bro.  Khloe-Kim level issues.  (Yeah I’m still watching that show I KNOW WTF.)

Ben uses these words to describe Courtney to his sister: “super mellow, down to earth, drama free.

- “SUPER MELLOW”

- “DOWN TO EARTH”

- “DRAMA FREE”

This really made me laugh.  Like, you know how when you write “LOL” sometimes you’re not really laughing out loud you’re just writing it because wtf else are you gonna say?  Well I was laughing out loud.  Right after I said “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?” out loud, which was right after I blacked out from him using those antithesis-of-the-character-of-Courtney words to describe Courtney.  But yeah, when I regained my composure, you can be sure I started laughing out loud.

Ben is amazing at reading women.

Anyway.  So, after he mentions the girls he’s noticing first, he goes on…

BEN: “There are some smart girls…” translation: “there are some girls I do NOT like, too.”

ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD TIME

This happens:

The one-on-one date card is flown in through the ceiling by Chrisharrison Air and Nicki’s eyes can’t have it read SOON ENOUGH.

It is announced that Emily will be going on the first one-on-one date with Ben, and everyone immediately fakes still liking her.

EMILY: “Lots of things going through my mind right now.  Like, what do I wear…. this is my first time with him… is he going to like me.”

It seems Emily thinks this is one of those Sex Auditions (or, “Fantasy Suite Card Dates”).  Emily, sweetheart, that comes later on.  And I am sorry to tell you this, but by the sheer fact that I personally like you it means Ben won’t, for long.  I want to apologize for that.

Courtney, angry that she isn’t getting every single one-on-one date with Ben, says disparaging things about the girl who got it.  ”Some of these girls are really well educated, but… and, I always say this… book smart can be a little boring.”

Courtney, truer words have never been said.  I am so with you… and, I always say this… people with a large scope of knowledge and world understanding are probably some of least interesting people I know.  I’d rather just participate in a continuous loop of mutual complimenting and comments on the weather.  I just really HATE engaging in any kind of meaningful conversation about topics that affect our world.  SNOOZEFEST.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH EMILY AND BEN – SIMPLE BAY BRIDGE CLIMB

They’re getting closer to the climb, and, ever the relationship-guru, Ben says: “If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there’s no telling how far we can take this relationship.”

Yeah.  Makes sense.

EMILY: “Some people have nightmares about spiders, some people have nightmares about being murdered…”

OMG I’VE NEVER DREAMED OF BEING MURDERED.  If I’ve got my urban legends correct, doesn’t that mean you’re going to die in real life?  THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR EMILY.

Next thing we know they’re climbing a motherf**king bridge.  Ben is asking Emily to establish trust with him, as well as *coincidentally* overcome her worst fear, by climbing a motherf**king bridge.

So applying what I believe to be The Bachelor producers’ “personalized date creation algorithm,” this means that if I was on The Bachelor, Ben would need me to accidentally fall out of a boat and then swim in dark water for an hour without dying from a combination round-house kick to the face of unyielding terror and rapidly falling body temperature.  Yes?  And, assuming I survived the fall/swim, Ben and I would be a perfect match and never cheat on one another?  I mean.  Like.  You guys, this is how The Bachelors evaluate interest, historically.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE

Thinking they’ve stumbled upon a taping of Fear Factor San Fran, the girls quickly realize they’re instead witnessing the death-defying climb from their hotel room and at least 80% of them (Jaclyn, guaranteed) starts privately wishing for Emily to fall to her death.

We return to the date, and Emily’s PANICKING.  She needs some sort of help, but Ben is not sure what kind.  Ben says, “I’m thinking, what can I do to help her.  I want Emily to know that I’m there for her.”  HELP HER DOWN, BEN.  HELP HER GET BACK DOWN TO WHERE HUMANS ARE.  WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T KISS HER.  YOUR KISSES ECHO WITH SUCH VOLUME AND FORCE THAT JUST ONE OF THEM COULD BRING THIS WHOLE BRIDGE DOWN.  HELP HER GET BACK HOME TO HER DISEASE STUDIES SO SHE CAN IMPROVE THE WORLD INSTEAD OF INDEFINITELY STOMP GRAPES FOR YOU.

BEN: “So I did the only thing I could think of… I gave her a kiss.”  CUE PERFECTLY TIME EMO MUSIC, which makes me mad because I get caught up in the moment whenever the producers do this.  Makes me think they’re using that brain-f**king sound technology that Bloomberg had the police use against the Wall Street protesters.  The Bachelor is mind-f**king me and I am helpless to stop it (except turn off the tv I guess)!

*PECKK*  There’s your kiss, Emily!!  All betta? – Ben

Emily (surprisingly): ALLLLL BETTTAAAAA!

Then Emily makes a very, very unfortunate statement about what bridges do, relating them to relationships in the same way a beauty pageant contestant would answer a judge’s question, or a 2nd grader would answer if, I mean, if 2nd graders understood metaphors.  And then Ben and Emily make various contrived, loosely logical statements born of high levels of pumping adrenaline and a resultant reduced capacity for reason, about how relationships are indeed “like bridges” in the way that they completely aren’t, and how the simple fact that surviving a bridge climb is the relationship-building equivalent of years of daily interaction, trust-enforcement and sheer time spent learning about one another.

Next, Ben and Emily go to din-din.  But more importantly….

IT’S GROUP DATE CARD TIEMPO!!!!

In what feels like her first interview with us(?), Casey S asserts that, really, she’s been here the whole time you guys…

The group date card is delivered.  SURPRISE!  Practically everyone is on it.

This is the point where the girls awkwardly start talking about a Leap List.  And things get stupid.  I check out.  But before I check out, I make a little wish that they never mention “Leap List” again, for the rest of the show.

Back to Emily and Ben’s platonic dinner.  Emily shares a story about being matched online with her brother.  AWESOME.  Clearly you’ve done this before, this dating thing, because if anything, online dating and talk of brothers = the ultimate combo turn on for a guy.  You’ve set the right mood, Emily.  Fireworks ahead!

BEN: ”My father loved my mother because he thought that she was smarter than he was.”

What are you doing on this show.  WHAT. ARE YOU DOING. ON THIS SHOW.  BEN WHAT. ARE YOU DOING. WHATAREYOUDOINGONTHISSHOW.

Anyway, so DEEP AND SIMULTANEOUSLY MEANINGLESS CONNECTION FORGED?  Check.  Ben gives Emily a rose.  And then Ben starts thinking about VIP drink service and runways because who’s this smart chick I’m not legitimately interested in.

The teaser before the commercial break teases us with what’s coming up, of course.  Bikini skiing and a surprise visitor who is no surprise because ABC is nothing if it is not a spoiler of its own teasers, calls The Chrisharrison Emergency Hotline and lets him know that she can’t turn back now, in response to Chrisharrison’s insincere question, “you sure you wanna do this?”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL; GROUP DATE ON – BISKIINING

Or bikinsiing.  Or skiikining.  They’re going skiing on a fake course created by God.  Interns, get the bikinis and 70′s tube socks ready!

BEN, on skiing in SF: “It’s something I’ve had on my Leap List for a long time now.” – fake thoughts

In this statement, Ben is telling us that in the past, as in before this show, he has often wondered enough to add it to a list, if he could ski on the streets of San Francisco.  Sometimes Ben makes up things to say to the producers.  Like, for example, “I discovered myself on The Bachelorette.”

Unable to compute, personal trainer Elyse says:

They all change into bikinis because all you need is your underwear when you’re careening down a steep incline on a thin layer of broken up ice, and what happens is pretty much the exact script of every 13 yr old boy in America’s wet dream scenario.  Scratch that; every male in America’s wet dream.  Scratch that; I’M wet, watching this.

And then BEHBEH MCLIDDLES brings us home for the money shot:

BEN: “Butt skiing backwards is on my leap list.”  HAHAH!  I’ve got one: Leap Lists are on my Shit List.

NEXT SITUATION – BRITNEY – ONE-ON-DATE EXCEPT NOT

Unshowered, Britney receives the next one-on-one date with Ben and it’s great news, except for one little thing which is that she doesn’t want to go on a one-on-one date with Ben.  She decides she has to tell him… “and then I have to leave FOREVER.”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL; 2ND PORTION OF GROUP DATE – DRINK ‘TIL YOU’RE SAD

The ladies are all hanging with Ben after a hard day of being entitled, and Ben says, AND I QUOTE,

LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLLOLOOOLOLOLOLLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOOLOOLOLOLL

Ben are we experiencing the same show?  I mean.  I mean come on.  Come on, man.

Remembering Chrisharrison’s earlier advice to TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TIME WITH BEN, Rachel moves in and next thing you know, Rachel and Ben are macking FTW.  Rachel: “I feel like we really connected.”  She is right, if she is exclusively referring to the location where they connected, physically, at the lips.

And Liddle BEHBEH?  Not taking it well…

To her credit, I am not this beautiful when I am mad/jealous.  My face contorts more into a smorgasbord of dejected, extremely focused on a spot in the distance, pensive, and frozen, with juuuust a touch of constipated.  So Ben’s right, “there’s something about Kacie B.; she sparkles.”  You’re right.  Because she’s got bedroom eyes when she’s mad.

BEHBEH: “There’s a rose on the line…..” I definitely want the rose tonight.  I wanna be here.”

Things just got really real.  BEHBEH has finally made it clear that she is interested in getting the rose and – a notion that before now was unclear – the fact that she wants to be with Ben.  An unexpected twist.

Cue Britney crashing the date that’s happening in the hotel garden(?).  Suddenly afflicted by a head and chest cold that’s affecting her ability to pronounce words, she goes and tells Ben the bad news.  Heartbroken, he grimaces adorably and is generally unaffected.  Later, in his interview about Britney leaving, Ben says: ”This sucks. I gave her an honest chance.”

Sooooo… Britney made the right choice, in leaving.

Cue Lindzie getting passed Britney’s one-on-one sloppy seconds.  Cue Lindzie being astronomically more excited than one would expect, given the fact that it was down to her and like a couple other potential girls who were left, or something.  Also, cue Courtney being a huuuuge beeeeyotch about it, when Lindzie leaves the room, mocking her and saying “see ya latr, y’aalll.”  It’s kind of an accurate portrayal but come on, Courtney, you are getting progressively more evil and I no like you anymore.  Jk, I didn’t like you waaaay way back.  This had no impact.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN AND LINDZIE

Subtitle: All of these things were for Britney.

(I’ll start off by saying that I like this girl, so again, apologies to Lindzie, because that usually means Ben won’t.)

Lindzie continues to speak in hyperbolic extremes throughout the date, and it starts to really, REALLY scare me.  She has reached around three or so “best versions” of experiences in life with Ben, on this date.  And so far they’ve rode on a trolly.

They go to a really nice-looking version of SF’s city hall (see?  uplighting does wonders, brides!) and they are serenaded by some singer I don’t recognize and he says some song lyrics that are bad.  It’s not his fault though; he didn’t get much rehearsal time because he was a last minute replacement for Britney Spears.  You see– they had secured Britney because she has the same name as Britn– well you get it.  ANYWAY HE TOTALLY COULD HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH YOU, TOO, Lindzie.

LINDZIE: “I don’t normally kiss boys on the first date.  But it just happened.” – things all girls say

BEN: “I feel like Lindzie is a complete woman!”  Ok.  I mean, I wasn’t– was this something you were doubting?  She doesn’t appear to have any male features but I mean anything’s possible.

BEN: “Lindzie…. has potential!” – ewww.  Ben are you her football coach or are you trying to date her?  Are you saying she just needs to bulk up for the regular season because this isn’t high school anymore, or are you trying to get to know her sincerely?  Are you saying she could be first string next year if she learns to take a hit or are you hoping to get into her pants later?  Are you pretty much saying she has potential for you to maybe start to like her, but that right now you’re not feeling it?  If that’s the case, you should let her know that, instead of stringing her along OH WAIT RIGHT THAT’S THE NATURE OF THE SHOW.  WHOOPS!  Almost forgot.

A gentleman no matter what, Ben asks Lindzie: “I’d like to know why you’re still single.”  Awww, how sweet!  How sweet of you to ask these girls why no man has loved them enough to commit!  You have a way with words, kind sir.

LINDZIE: “blah blah blah he broke up with me after a year and a half, by texting me ‘Babe welcome to dumpsville, population you.’”  F**k.  Lindzie, that SUCKS.  Some guys are real a$$holes.  I’m glad you’re dating Ben now.  O.o

They move to the piano where Ben plays some upbeat David Gray.  Lindzie passes out from being impressed.  When she wakes up, she says, “on a scale of 1 to 10, that’s amazing. that’s seriously amazing.”  Lindzie is the new hyperbole master and should take her throne.  Lindzie: 247.  BEHBEH: 212.

CUT AGAIN TO (this is going to happen 100 more times until Shawntel finally arrives): Nameless driving ghost who has 24/7 access to Chrisharrison who we all know is Shawntel who tells Chris AGAIN that she’s on her way.  She has informed Chris of her specific coordinates 400 times already, but most of the calls were left on the cutting room floor.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL, SHAWNTEL’S COMING… IN A BIT; FIRST THE GINGER TAKES ACTION

So Jennifer stands up to join Ben and on a scale of 1 to 10 I pass out and involuntarily engage in a photosensitive epileptic seizure resulting from tonight’s chosen ensemble.

JENNIFER: I just want you to know that I have already f**ked you in my mind 4 times.  You’re dreamy.  I think about you all the time.

Naturally, Ben is not totally freaked out by this, and *does not* just choose to kiss her as a means of escaping the situation as quickly as possible. <– Whatever it is, it’s NOT all of that.

Jennifer and Ben start to dab one another’s tongues together, as if to remove leftover bits of salt-water taffy wrapping that got stuck to the inside of her mouth earlier when she was binging off camera.  They proceed to mouth-connect for longer than I would have preferred, in a pecking/swirling manner.  Because they’re definitely not kissing, that is not kissing.  That’s lizards slapping at food particles.

Jaclyn sees the mouthing, and Jaclyn’s sadness receives a jolt of sadness to keep her sadness going.  Unfortunately at this point, Jaclyn doesn’t disappear.  Not that that was a possibility but I’ve just been sort of waiting for her to magically *go away*.  It seems we’ll all have to wait for when the producers finally allow Ben to remove her.

THE PART IN EVERY SHOW WHERE COURTNEY SAYS THINGS AND BEN DISAPPOINTS US

COURTNEYISMS:

  1. “Nikki, bless her little heart, she’s so sweet, but, like, you look like an idiot.”
  2. “Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with.” – aka, blakely sort of looks like the girl my actor bf cheated on me with.
  3. Courtney, to girls: “blah blah blah [starts trouble] blah blah etc.”  Leaves.  ”THAT’S HOW YOU STIR A POT, BEYOTCHES.”

A rational thinker, Emily offers the court: “Courtney has personality problems and a social disorder and should get diagnosed, but that has nothing to do with me and Ben.”  Ok, yes, that would be a statement of factual information.

1:21: Courtney leaves the newly minted room of weirdness that she just created and goes to be with Ben.  You’re doing it right, Courtney.

Regretting that he’s not with Blakely for this hilarious moment because that would be more fitting – Ben says to Courtney: “John F Kennedy used to bring Marilyn Monroe to this place.”  A hopeless romantic, Ben guides Courtney over to the precise location where JFK romantically cheated on his wife Jackie O.

They kiss, after Courtney spends 20 minutes laying saliva onto her lips to be ready for it.

Cut to Shawntel, prepping for her grand entrance.  She says words and phrases that amount to “CONFIDENCE” “HE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME” “DROP IN THE BUCKET” and to the viewer, who has now been introduced to an actual lady professional who is independent and strong, this is an exciting time.  Qualities he asserted to his sister were present in certain phantom women we certainly hadn’t yet met……. could this– could it be?  Could it be that this professional independent strong woman has arrived to win his heart?

Then, it happens.  Shawntel walks in…

and she is ALMOST COMPLETELY UNNOTICED by the other women.  What??!!!!  They’re in the same room when this happens, right?  Then I mean howwwwww?  Maybe it’s because they’re are all engaged in some sort of single girls’ color war and the Red and Black teams are currently fighting to win the adult-version of Miss Ultimate Supreme in the Useless Chatter Category.

OMFG COMMERCIAL?!!!!!

Quick aside while we’re at commercial.  It’s abundantly clear that most of them googled things like “how to make a man’s penis move” before coming on this show because it is a proven fact that women in red dresses are the biggest turn on for men, in a study of many dress colors.  That’s why the room is chock full of nuts in red dresses.

OMG BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

It takes a few seconds longer than we expect for them to notice her, but believe you me, when they do, WHOOOAAAA HOHOWHOOAAAAA when they dooooo… they completely the opposite of like it.  In fact Shawntel’s sheer presence metamorphosizes the pack, heretofore discordant with nary an alliance, into one gigantic unyielding SheDevil hellbent on complete and utter Shawntel obliteration.  It could have been anybody.  It could have been anybody.  It was the right time, and it was the right place, and if the editing room had thrown the lyric “I was in the riiiiiight plaaaaace, butitmustabeenthe wrooooooong taaahhhhm… I was on the riiiiiight trip, butImusta used the wrooong car” from Jon Spencer Blues Explosion’s “Right Place, Wrong Time” into the mix I seriously would have cum right there in my yoga pants, thanks to what would have been the absolute full-circle perfection of it all.  Alas, on a scale of 1 to 10, I remain vaginally unquenched by the show thus far.

CUE: UNITED FRONT OF HATEFULNESS: ‘SHOCK AND AWWW COME ON NO FAIR!’ CAMPAIGN

We hear ladies shout out things like “Who is that.”  ”Who is that girl.”  ”Who IZZZZZZZ that.”  ”Maybe it’s one of his ex-girlfriends.”  Oooohhhh, maybe.  Or maybe it’s Shawntel from Chico, CA, a well-known if not notorious former contestant on The Bachelor during Brad’s season????!!!!!!!!!!  How do they not recognize Shawntel?  Maaaaybe, if they had recognized her, they’d have realized that she comes off as one of the sweetest, most opposite-of-deserving-your-hate kinds of women, and maybe THEN they might have thought twice about unleashing thei– no, ok, that’s wrong.  That’s probably totally wrong.  I don’t think it mattered who it was.

Deeply flustered, Elyse can’t let go of it and accidentally breaks into song, saying “who ISZZZZZZZ she.  Whoooooo’s that laaaaaday, WHOOOOS DAT LAAAAAYDAAAAYE.  SEXYYYY LAAAAAYDAY, WHOOOOS DAT LAAAAADAAAAYE…”

Putting the dictionary definition of a pun to work, Nicki says, “Shawntel rides in on her high… hursenooo pun intended.”  Ooohhhh BURN, Nicki.  You totally slammed her, except for the part where you employed the precise method of creating a pun with your words.

At the 1:28 hour marker, Jaclyn LITERALLY SAYS, “This bitch walks in.  Shuffles her way into a crowd.  I was like, who ARRRE you?  We are NOT FRIENDS.  Scram bitch.”

She also says “I feel that I’m better than Shawntel.  I respect Ben enough to know that he’s not going to accept Brad’s leftovers.”  ”Shawntel is Brad’s dumpster trash.”

Jaclyn is doing a really great job of living up to the producers’ expectations for her.

THE SACRIFICE

Ben has the bright idea to introduce Shawntel to the momentarily at rest pack of starving hyenas, who have all conveniently been herded into one room to *receive* their prey.  He tells us off camera “I hope these women are gracious and welcoming.”  LOL, Ben.  LOL.  Dude, we gotta hang out you are hiLARRYous.  He then proceeds to LEAVE HER THERE.  Perhaps as a sacrifice to the God of Insecurity and Sadness.

I think it’s Elyse(?) who says “What are you doing here.”  THANK YOU FOR ASKING THAT, ELYSE.  You say what’s on everybody’s mind but we’re all too scared to ask out loud.  Because it would make us sound incredibly stupid.

I wish Shawntel had said something like “I’m here to arrange your flight and hotel accommodations for next week’s dates.”  But you always think of cool things to say AFTER the fight’s over.

Jaclyn goes: “WHAT.  So now you’re just like, PART OF US?” – if by *us* she means *the girls going home* then yes, she’s now part of you, Jaclyn.

Hey, remember back there when Ben introduced Shawntel and he said “I hope these women are gracious and welcoming.”  ?

That was so funny when he did that.

Erika The Lawyer totally disappoints me and says all of this s**t:

  • “HOW can she possibly think she has a connection.  I think she’s full of it.”  Touche, Erika.  By the way, I would advise you to hydrate.
  • “I think she’s uglier in person.  She’s got thicker thighs than I do, which always makes me feel better.”  Who SAYS this stuff?  Like, OUT LOUD, and like ON TELEVISION?  I’ll tell you what, my first guess wasn’t “lawyers do.”

By the way, I changed my mind; someone take all the water away from her for the rest of the night until the Rose Ceremony please.  Thank you.

COCKTAIL PAR– WAIT WHAT?

The white man’s Will Smith character from “Hancock,” Chrisharrison flies in from above and announces Ben wants no cocktail party SO DEAL WITH IT.

Chrisharrison: “Shawntel fucked your shit up.  Deal with it, bitches.” – that’s pretty much a direct quote so I didn’t have to asterisk it.

The women have been working on killing Shawntel with their words ever since Shawntel showed up, before Chrisharrison interrupted them.  As you were, ladies.

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE

Cut to the girls having conniptions.  Cut to the girls dying of cholera.  Cut to the girls having a cow out of one collective uterus not large enough to birth a cow without intense pelvic and emotional pain.

1, 2 & 3 = Lindzie, Emily and Rachel, who already have roses.

4.  Courtney.  ”I will, but tonight was a lot and I just want you to know that.” It was not easy seeing you talking to “what’s her butt.”   Courtney is LOVERLY.

5. Kacie B (LIDDLE BEHBEH). “course. thank you.”

6. Elyse. “absolutely.”

7. Jamie.

8. Jennifer.

1:45 – Jaclyn: “”On a scale of one to ten, I feel like I’m going to throw up.” – ok soooo… wait where does that fall like, on the scale.  The scale of numbers you just mentioned before you changed the measurement system to unqualified hurling.

9. Casey S

10. Blakely  (YEAH!  HOORAH!)

11. Monica

12. Nicki (“of course I will, I’m all better I’m normal don’t worry oh that back there? nothing.”)

13. Samantha

1:47 – UH OH.  lawyer doesn’t feel good.  Good time for a cliff-hanger commercial break, I think…

CUT TO COMMERCIAL UPPP NO ITS CHRIS ANNOUNCING FINAL ROSE

Ben wants to say a few things.  But lawyer doesn’t have time and on a scale of 1 to 10 she faints.  She faints under the sheer weight of her emotional pain.  She can’t stand up; her weakened body is capitulating to her overwhelming sadness.  That’s how SAD SHE IS RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS.

Rachel says, “that bitch Shawntel. Better not get a rose.”  Rachel you have disappointed me.  You already HAAAAVE a rose.  Why is it all about group think with these ladies, when they’re all together and faced with a common enemy?  Oh wait that’s what group think means.

BEN: “I cannot hand out this final rose tonight.”

What does this mean?  It means Jacyln: GONE.  Erika: GONE.  Shawntel: GON–WAIT WHAT SHAWNTEL’S GONE WHAT?

Ben walks out Shawntel and five-time winner of the Ms Congeniality title Courtney says: “See ya!  Sayonara!”  This is claaaassic Courtney, you guys.  Cuh-lassssic.

The show ends, and I am left remembering exactly why I hated high school.

OHHHHMYYYYYYGAAAAAAAHHHHD I’m finally done I can’t believe it.  OMFG.  That back there actually took me DAAAYS.  I had to do it in shifts because I couldn’t handle mocking it straight through.  I think it would have killed me – emotionally, killed me emotionally, to have done it straight through.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel completely ridiculous right now, regardless.

Ok whatever ANYWAY, friendlies.  Enough out of me.  I would love to hear what you’re thinking.  On any of it.

Some questions if you’d like: Were you surprised that Ben didn’t keep Shawntel?  Were you surprised at the behavior of the Lady Bevy?  Were you feeling for Shawntel as much as I was?

xoxo  - Alison

Other recaps from this season:

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 2

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 4

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 5

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 2

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps

Love all of this...

21 comments

  1. “YOUR KISSES ECHO WITH SUCH VOLUME AND FORCE” first off-yeah ben’s kissing is so gross and loud. Second, I think this is my favorite recap so far. The pictures were priceless. I’m glad Jaclyn and Erika went home though, but not shawntel. She seemed so eager and sure of herself. Then again, like you said, if we like her then Ben definitely won’t. I wish Courtney would go home but you and I both know that won’t be happening. As for whittle behbeh I think she’s adorbs. Can I keep her?

    Reply
  2. Katie @ Lovebird Productions on January 18, 2012

    Now that I have recovered from laughing myself to tears there are a few things to address:

    1. I 100% agree with you. I use to love this show but every season a bit of me gets disappointed. I thinks surely these women and men do not think love works by being mean and saying hurtful things. I mean think about it. They are mean to a girl who comes into the show late and says she doesn’t care for Ben but they aren’t mean to the girls around them who are in there face competing for him. Yes, they do not all get along but for the most part the women like each other until someone is thrown into a mix. This just proves what a game finding love is to these ladies. Lame!

    2. Your pictures + captions are the best!

    3. Your commentary outshines the show. Hands down.

    4. I hate that I have to wait an entire week for another recap.

    5. What do you think about Emily Maynard being named the new Bachelorette?

    I hope that you have a wonderful evening :)

    Reply
  3. Keisha (with a K) on January 18, 2012

    Laughing so hard…tears…difficult to type. . . so much better than watching the show. I don’t feel all dirty afterwards. Umm…I’m going to reread it in case I missed something. #awesomeness

    Reply
  4. Janna (Sparkly Love) on January 18, 2012

    1. I think he’s a moron for getting rid of Shawntel. She’s exactly the type of girl he should be dating. Keep Courtney and send Shawntel home? MORON.

    2. Speaking of Courtney, I hate that girl and her hate.

    3. Your recaps complete me.

    ps. People Mag is reporting that BENTLEY wants to be a contestant on Emily’s season. I have… NO. WORDS.

    Reply
  5. felecie on January 18, 2012

    I’ve been waiting for this since Monday….well done!! I love that you paused it in the same place as I did when Evil Courtney made one of her Evil-CRAZY faces!! literally LOLing and I never use the LOL term unless it is forreal. This bachelor thing is taking it’s toll on me…. I’m leaving the show feeling sad and so embarrassed for these girls. I’m surprised you did not comment on Erika’s Amore tattoo IN HER MOUTH!!! The look of Ben’s face was pure disgust!! No offense if any of you have tattoos in your mouths!!! On a side note…Emily Brad’s Emily….is gonna be the bachelorette!! stoked! Take Care u knotty Bride u! Great Job!

    Reply
  6. Shannon on January 18, 2012

    Reading this on my phone while brushing my teeth did not work out so well. You are hilarious!

    Reply
  7. Nicole Rene on January 18, 2012

    I don’t know what to say other than YOU ARE HILARIOUS. I cannot stop laughing at your recap. LOL.

    Reply
  8. The Blind Bride on January 18, 2012

    Did anyone else notice that Leap List is from Honda… a promotional plug?? http://automobiles.honda.com/leap-list/?from=leaplist.honda.com F$#%ers!

    Moving on… I love love love this post! Hilarious! I want Courtney dead and while it may have been expecting way too much from Ben, I totally expected him to retract his rose when Courtney said, “what’s her butt.” Gross.

    Insanely jealous of Kacie B’s touching the toes, butt-skiing move. I might try to channel her this weekend while trying to snowboard in Tahoe this weekend.

    He didn’t keep Shawntel!? Not fair?! Love is not fair, Ben. You don’t deserve love if you think that she doesn’t deserve to be there even though she crashed the party and faced the bitches you left her with. Even though you have a connection with her. Not fair my ass.

    Love everything about this post. Thank you!

    Reply
  9. Jessica on January 19, 2012

    First off: they should have taken Courtney on the one-on-one date and pushed her off of the bridge. Just some food for thought. She is reason #73 why I think Ben was a waist of a Bachelor.

    Second of all: you think someone would at least put some hair product and a comb (not a brush that comes with you Barbie doll) through his hair. What kind of sister lets her brother go on tv with hair like that? I bought my brother his first bottle of hair gel when he was 7!!

    And thirdly: what kind of dumb ass brother says his sister will get along with a tranny-hot-mess-of-a-bitch. Honestly Courtney looks like a knockoff Cindy Crawford.

    This show is ridiculous, but it provides Monday entertainment. The title of the bachelor series should really be “what not to do for a man”. I don’t know how any of them can say the word “love” with a straight face.

    Anyways, great blog as usual. I don’t know how you do it. I would get so fed up with it and move on to something else.

    Xo

    Reply
  10. Brit on January 19, 2012

    I should not have read this when everyone in my house is trying to sleep, because I really did laugh that loud. I wasn’t sure if your recap was going to sufficiently communicate the epic disaster that was this episode, but now I know that I should never have doubted you.

    #1 I miss Ames

    #2 Ames would’ve kept Shawntel

    #3 Note to whoever is signing up for future seasons, if you really do have a deep fear of heights, don’t admit that to the producers. However if you want a guaranteed one on one date, by all means do.

    #4 your recap of Shawntel and the other girls was the single best thing I’ve read in…well I can’t think of anything.

    #5 your still frames of Courtney’s death ray are so perfect that I may actually believe them!

    #6 thank you.

    Reply
  11. Libby on January 19, 2012

    True LOL! The bridge scene nearly sent me over a bridge. That episode was a painful reminder of how mean girls can be. It made me really, really sad. And as for the rest, I have a hard time remembering that these are supposed to be real people, doing real things in their real life.

    Reply
  12. Casey on January 19, 2012

    Yes yes yes yes yes yes! Leap lists are on my shit list, too!!!!!! I hope Bambino sleeps through the episode and your analysis, my puppy literally looked at me and left the room! I’m pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me…orrrrrrrrrrr mean Courtney. Well done again this week!!!

    Reply
  13. Cassandra Eldridge on January 19, 2012

    I literally almost peed my pants during Little Behbeh’s butt-skiing excursion. That made the whole sh*t-fest of this Bachelor episode worthwhile, for me.

    SHE IS FOR KEEPS.

    Reply
  14. Megan Welker on January 19, 2012

    ya. I just lol-ed my way through that. HILARIOUS!

    Reply
  15. Kelly Sauer on January 19, 2012

    My husband read your recap out loud to me last night after the kids went to bed, and it takes a LOT to make him die laughing. Which you did. So congratulations. That was AWESOME.

    I watched the show yesterday afternoon before I read your recap, and I have to say, WOW. It was like they designed that episode just for you, Alison!

    That said, though – I have to differ on a couple of points. I thought the date on the bridge was predictably ridiculous and what Ben DID to get her up to the top was predictably ridiculous, BUT, it was totally real for them, shallow as they were. I think Emily is a favorite for me out of the girls, because she’s one that doesn’t hold a good front.

    And to be fair to Ben, I don’t think he can see past Courtney’s pretty face because he’s a guy. And as a photographer, watching her, I just want her to keep talking. I don’t care what she’s saying, I just want her to keep looking, standing there, BEING, because she is so pretty and I just want to take her picture. Not that Ben is thinking about taking her picture. He’s um, definitely got other things on his mind.

    I can’t even hate her for being vapid – she doesn’t even know it. I’m actually kind of sad for her… NOT that I think she should win.

    Um, but I was TOTALLY pulling for Shawntel. Who, I think, actually HAD met Ben before the show and he KNEW it. My prediction is that he’ll think about bringing her back before the end. Because ABC loves stuff like that. And I think he DID give her a gift in sending all three of the last girls home. He didn’t sentence her to the hell she’d have been living in if he’d asked her to stay and sent the other two girls home.

    BUT OH MY GOSH, THE FAINT. HOLY COW.

    Yes, so that is really all I can feel free to share, or I’ll be writing another recap in your comment box. :-P

    BUT – WHAT THE OTHER GIRLS SAID. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT EMILY BEING THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!! I was so stunned when I saw that yesterday – is she ABC’s bid for a return to legitimacy after the travesty of the last three seasons?! Their last GOOD season was Jillian’s season, though I’d give Allie’s season a fair enough shake…

    Reply
  16. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on January 19, 2012

    this is why I seriously effing love you.

    Reply
  17. Amanda Young on January 19, 2012

    I just have to say… I’ve never even WATCHED “The Bachelor” and you BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. Honestly, tears. Just reading this recap of people I’ve never heard of (except on “The Soup”). Seriously, bravo! You might have had to take shifts, but that is a masterpiece! Thanks for the entertainment!

    Reply
  18. Lena on January 20, 2012

    I’m laughing, I’m crying, and I may have wet myself.

    Obviously this episode was RIDICULOUS and often painfully staged, but it was really this that made me realize what blatant nonsense the whole thing was. I wonder if there’s a paycheck for choosing the craziest girl.

    Reply
  19. Melina on January 21, 2012

    I am a bachelor/bachelorette addict and this season is the one that I can’t bring myself to waste time watching and I love wasting time! I don’t know how I just now read your recaps! I absolutely love it! I’m going to stick to your recaps for keeping up with the show since it is much more fulfilling. :-p

    Reply
  20. Marit on January 23, 2012

    I am never watching that show again. Instead I am reading your recaps because they make me pee my pants. But that’s okay, I wanted a new couch anyway.

    You rock my socks off.

    Reply
  21. Alexandra on January 27, 2012

    Found your blog after Ashley Spivey recommended it on Twitter….LOVE! Please keep posting, your writing is sensational! Keep em coming lady!

    Reply

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