Hello to your faces on this formerly sunshiny (where I live) Tuesday afternoon/eveningish. In today’s random news, my Dad sent me a picture text asking me to choose one of three puppy vests for Bambino WITH THE QUICKNESS. So it’s official now, Bambino is going to experience winter as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. If you were ever wondering if I make this stuff up…
^ My Dad is kind of a really supportive person.
I don’t think I put enough effort into keeping Bambino stylish. He probably doesn’t want to spend winter impersonating Michelangelo. (Let’s be honest, Bambino could be no other turtle than the dumb orange one. You know you agree with me. THIS IS NOT CHILD ABUSE IT’S TRUTH.) Anyway, I probably should put more effort into choosing his outfits and keeping him *with the puppy times* but I just– I guess I don’t care, enough? Also, I don’t really have time to search out the latest and greatest trends for puppies what am I even talking about.
Hmm. He’s gonna have a rough go at school, isn’t he. This is where it starts – with the clothing. If I remember correctly this is where the class lines were drawn in middle school. You see I remember that because my parents were smart enough not to let me put too much emphasis on what I wore; they felt it was about developing “the content of your character.” But when it came to the ins and outs of high school social politics, it was as if MLK Jr. had never even existed. If you had asked me back then how I felt about it I would have instant-cried and schooled you on how Abercrombie & Fitch tops are the gateway to happiness through my tears, and how my knock-off-nike black kicks from Sears – called “Winners” – were going to bring me unending ridicule the likes of which I had never before seen in all my years of being a sensitive child. Ok I feel I should go back and address that brand name so you fully get its impact and, therefore, never decide to buy your child a pair of shoes that hand mean girls their material on a silver platter. I. kid. you. not. The shoes my folks bought me were called “Winners” and so, as one can only expect of Hitler youth, I was called “A Winner” for half of my 6th grade year in French class. Beat that, girls who had trouble in high school.
Ok I know I know. WTF where’s the recap, b!tch. I know, I get it. And it’s coming. Gimme a break will ya. It’s like writing a term paper on Chernobyl every week. There’s just so much to cover. I’ve had to schedule my life around these recaps. Isn’t that insane? THAT’S INSANE, ALISON. Now that I’ve said it out loud, it’s more real to me– the fact that it IS, truly, insane. Wow, why am I doing this to myself?!! Ahhhhhh yes, right, I remember now. For no reason.
Before your Bachelor recap hits the stage, I ask you to think back, to the last time we featured a Reader Question, and I was like: so many of these questions I get feel like there’s a real sense of urgency involved and so I want to answer them as quickly as motherf**king possible before something bad happens to-or-as-a-result-of-actions-taken-by the reader who asked. Well. Here’s another one of those types of questions from a reader. But I would like to put it out there that my preference would have been to meet with this young woman in person over strong liquor drinks and give her the Hug Of The Century while we talked this thing out over as much bread and butter as she’d like, and maybe an appetizer if it’s not too expensive. I’m not made of money.
Dear Knotty Bride,
I have been following you for some time now. I have been engaged for 6 months now, and have started to make wedding decisions. Now, I know it’s tradition for the Bride’s family to pay for the wedding, but I have a gripe with my future in laws. I have ONE parent, who makes very little money. He pays for what he can, but on a teachers pay there isn’t a ton extra to go around, especially after paying the medical bills for my mother. My mother passed away from cancer about 14 months ago and there were a lot of bills that pilled up from the long 3 years of treatment.
My fiancé has 4 parents. His mother and step father are VERY wealthy and are expecting to have a grand wedding for their only child. They just bought a multi-million dollar house, never have money concerns and will NOT put forth any money to our wedding. Me and my fiancé purchased a house 3 years ago, and don’t have a lot of money to spare.
To get to the point, my father has offered us $3,000 dollars, and we have another $3,000 we can spend. We know it’s not a lot of money and have cut back on everything. We found a private home that will allow us to have the party on premises, have decided to have the wedding and reception in the same location and have home made food and decorations to accommodate our budget. My MIL will not have this. She complained and griped and is refusing to help set up or cook.
We asked her if she would like to also pitch in for the wedding and she complained that it is something that the brides family does. Every time I talk to her about the situation, I cry because seriously, this whole 4-1 ratio of parents just isn’t fair. I really want to have a nice wedding that everyone is happy with but have put off wedding planning so that everyone can be happy.
How would you go about talking to a wealthy MIL about the struggles with money and how it would be appropriate to have her also pitch in for the wedding if she wants it a certain way??
Dear Miss S,
After reading your letter, the one thing that affects me most is that you lost your mother to cancer only fourteen months ago. As a young daughter myself, I know how sad, no devastated, I would be if I lost my mother. On top of that, you had to watch her losing the battle with that dreaded disease. I am sure that as The Knotty Bride followers read this, they will be similarly struck by your experience and your loss.
Therefore, the question is: Why would your future MIL be acting in what appears to be an insensitive manner, especially when, by being generous at this time, she could easily create a lasting bond with you, her future DIL? I’ll try to answer that and offer suggestions to remedy your problem after I present a few current truths about wedding ‘traditions.’
If you enter: “ Who pays for the wedding?” on your search engine, you will see that your future MIL is referring to a very outdated, and no longer a traditional, manner of paying for weddings. Below is just one of many:
Old: The bride’s family pays for the wedding.
New: The bride’s family may pay; the couple themselves may pay; or the groom’s family, the bride’s family, and the couple may share the expenses.
Peggy says: Today, just 27 percent of weddings are paid for solely by the bride’s parents. With costs through the roof, it’s not unusual for families to pool resources. It’s important for the couple and their families to discuss the budget early, so the bride and groom don’t overspend.
The above, and the many others you will find to refute your future MIL’s claim, should be discussed with her, by her son alone, without you being there. He should ask:
Is she for the marriage?
Does she think you’re good enough for him?
If the answer to either of those two questions is “no,” then the cost of the wedding is the least of your problems. I hope this is not the case, but her attitude puzzles me.
If the answer to the two questions is hopefully yes, and he has shown, or conveyed to her, the results of your Internet search, he should ask the following:
Since she is able to afford helping you, and a wedding of the type she wants is only possible if she helps, why doesn’t she want to help?
She may want his biological father to offer first. Or maybe his family didn’t offer when she married him.
She may remember her family had to struggle with her wedding expenses, so why shouldn’t yours too.
She may feel that she is being taken advantage of because she is rich.
She may not know or believe the financial state of the both of you and your father.
After all of this is revealed, discussed and hopefully resolved by her and her son, I hope you will then be able to create a wedding that everyone enjoys. If the problem persists, then plan the wedding that comfortably fits within your budget and will make you both as happy as a bride and groom should be. Remember that your happiness should be the wish of everyone who you invite to your very special wedding day. Don’t focus on anyone, even for an instant, who doesn’t share that very same wish.
You have our best wishes, dear. ’Cause that s**t is effed the eff up. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I really am.
Ok, I’m turning it over to you guys now… any thoughts/suggestions/reactions to Miss S’ mother-in-law plight? I think she could really use all of our input. As always, I’m just one person with one opinion. So if you disagree, it’s all good; I think all opinions matter here.
xoxo! - Alison
P.S. – Here’s one second in the life of Bambino McPuppyPants, since I owe you that much, at least…
Credits – Image at top: ShodaLove / iPhone screengrab + Bambino: silly Alison
Label(s): "DEAR TKB..." Advice Column