BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 6 – PART ONE……………… Ben is a National Treasure.

OMG that took forever right?  I’m such a batch.

Happy super late in the evening on Thursday, friendlies.  Actually that’s wrong– I think the clock just STRUCK MIDNIGHT, so what I meant to say is good morning on Friday!  Oh, quick note about Ben’s hair, I asked him to cut it and here’s how he reacted (such a whittle behbeh)–

Ok, NOW, hello and welcome to your episode six Bachelor recap, lovers.  Part 1.  I know you’ve been waiting a while for this, and I hope it brings you as much joy as it brought me to write it.  No wait that’s wrong– I hope it brings you the opposite of every feeling it brought me as I wrote it.  Yeah.  Ok that’s accurate.

LET’S BEGIN RIGHT NOW, SHALL WE?  Prefaces shmefaces.

Quick question actually.  Did anyone else’s mind immediately go to this video with each consecutive AND identical Casey S full body sadness cry that the show’s editors teased going into OMGLITERALLYEVERY commercial?  I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to mention that in this recap, since I was CERTAIN the news was related to some death in the family Casey S had just suffered.

But anyway, yay!  Wasn’t that.  It was just Chrisharrison and his buddies manipulating the storyline to increase drama.  Good ol’ manipulating the storyline – at least it’s something we’re used to!

OK.  The show begins, and I feel signs of blacking out coming on– oh but wait, CUE behbeh monkeh under a mommeh monkeh????  Yes yes, go on, I’m listening!!  Cue gorgeous waterfall??  Cue shots of unpopulated areas of beauty where locals are not permitted and affluent women and Paleolithic relics who most likely suffer from Brendan Frasier type claps can all date each other and wax hyperbolic 24/7??  Is this– could it be??

Wait, now cue corny, meaningless one-liners from a Geico caveman.  Ok, we’re watching The Bachelor, it is apparent.  DANGIT.  I got really excited that that Earth show Sigourney Weaver narrates was being shown in its place.  ALAS.

Anyway, the bevy pull up to their new digs, when Blakely asks: “is this where we’re really staying you guys?”  I know, I thought that too, Blake – can I call you that? – so yeah, Blake, I was like, seriously, are they really staying deep within a…

WHOOSIWHATSIT?  Turns out they are.  I’m loving you, Panama City!  Starting off strong, with a baby monkey and a hotel shaped like ladyparts.  You’re the best.  Lindzi says “it’s HUGE, it’s gorgeous.”  And that’s when I realize it’s also a phallic symbol.  You guys, we’re looking at the first ever manmade phallina structure in the world (someone fact check that for me; I’m just assuming this, thanks…).

BEN DELIVERS A DATE CARD TO THE BEVY

But not before saying a sweeping statement of sweepingly sweeping proportions:

BEN: “It makes me realize that this is working, and that there are signs of looove in the air.”

That’s when HONEY says: “ohh, he just led them ALL on, all at once.  They’re all on the hook, now.  Wow.

So it’s business as usual, I see.  Aright, sounds good, let’s keep on breaking those hearts with that excessive force of yours, Ben.  You’re doing it right!

So yeah, anyway, Kacie B snags herself one of those one-on-one dates and then, totally normally, this happens:

Nah, you know what?  I don’t think it’s malicious; I recognize what Blakely’s doing– that’s how Bambino greets all of his friends when he rocks his swagger out on the town to drop some of those fresh poops.  He’s like, “hey, wussup, Mr. Wigglestein?  How’s it hangin’?  Nice and low I presume?  AhHAHYEEEAAHHH thasright, Wigglestein YOU KNOW WASSUP!”  And then, almost like clockwork, he simultaneously MANHANDLES WIGGLESTEIN, ENCAPSULATING HIM WITHIN HIS T-REX-ARM-LENGTH HUG-GRASP OF UNFATHOMABLE STRENGTH AND LONG-TERM COMMITMENT.  It’s pretty adorable, you should see it.

So it’s totally normal to me, seeing people full body clobber-attack others around the body and face.  It’s a sign of love and excitement and that’s ALL!

ONE-ON-ONE DATE, BEN + BEHBEH McWHITTLES

Ben and Kacie B walk to the airport and take a Delta flight over to– just kidding, they HELI it over to the private island or something of San Pas, Panama.  I like to call this date the “Thank goodness Kacie B looks good in a bathing suit” date.  She does look amazing in those two pieces, doesn’t she?  And the girl can stretch like a muthaflucka, AMIRITE?  She’s definitely got that going for her.  Kacie B has an amazing body let’s not worry about her conversational skills right now.

Now, part of me has a mind to think that LIDDLES MCBEHBEHKINS is actually outsmarting all of us.  Think about it; these one-on-one dates, they’re fear-born.  So either Kacie B’s worst fear is being stranded somewhere with a pleasant climate and ample tree-bound food, OR she’s the first to outsmart the system.  Let’s not bother answering which one we think it is; no need to hurt anybody’s feelings here.

Having stayed in school, Kacie B totally knew to bring along a wine bottle opener and some candy for their time stranded on an island surrounded by salt water.  See?  Stay in school, kids!  Invaluable knowledge awaits you there!

BEN goes: “Ohhh corkscrewwww!!!!!”  And  ”Ohhhhhh BAG O CANDY!!!!!”  And other stuff that makes him a great catch strictly based on his conversational skills.  Also, based on the way he’s responding to Kacie B, they have already developed their own BEHBEH language, much like twins who grew up together.  Things are working out; why was I so worried they wouldn’t have anything to say on this lonely island?

BEN: “if we can accomplish something like this together, I’m thinking, we can probably do anything.”

omg.  SO TRUE.  Private islands are the worst.  Amirite, people who don’t have private islands?  Seriously; when you get one of your own one day, tell me you don’t IMMEDIATELY HATE IT, the way no one is competing for the fish you think you caught amazingly, and the way the weather is perfect for being homeless, and the way there is fresh water and a Kraft sponsored snack table over by where the camera crew is hanging out in between filming.

GAAHH.  THE WORST!

BEHBEH: Today we figured out that “we can make it on our own.”

Today, Kacie B unsuckled herself from her mother’s teet, and stepped out into adulthood.  You guys I’m so prouda her!  Taking her first steps!  Awwww, MY WHITTLES, I KNOW EVERYBODY THINKS THEIR BABY IS A GENIUS, BUT YOU ARE REALLY A GENIUS.

BEN: We are a good little team.  Teamwork in a marriage is key, and I’d like to extrapolate the shite out of this vacation and apply it to 50 years of what will certainly be successfully living together.

COMMERCIAL / BAAAAAACKKKKKK

BEN: “My date with Kacie B was very fun, she… goes with the flow, and GOD, do I appreciate it.”  So true.  They’re really so hard to fiiiiiind; these aggressively passive, sedated girls without goals of their own… right Ben?  Or I’m just kidding and they’re actually everywhere you turn, just close your eyes and point.  See, this is where I don’t get why you haven’t found love already.  The only legitimate reason would be that you’re a vapid soulless human being who never learned what it is to be empathic and on a scale of 1 to 10 on the scale of human evolution you’re at about a 3.5 = juuuust starting to stand up and walk/make fire.

Listen.  You know what helps us through the tough times though? you know, when the vapid soullessness gets to be to much to bear?  Wine; wine reall–oh wait you probably already knew that.  Actually, your career fully makes sense now.

Ben tells the lens of a camera that he would like to start up with the more serious conversation, stating: “I’m hoping to dive in deeper and get into kind of more SERIOUS conversation.  That’s kind of my goal.”  He then states this exact same sentiment to Kacie B’s face IRL.  Ok!  Let’s see how this plays out.  Your move, BEHBEHKINS.

KACIE: “I like to be doing stuff all the time.”

WHOOAAAA!  Didn’t see that one comin’!  I mean, that’s–I do, too!  Like, sometimes I like to eat, and then other times I like to ski backwards, but then other times I DON’T really want to be skiing backwards but I still want to be doing something, so maybe I’ll go sit and watch tv, or eat again – that’s always a good option – and also, sleeping’s fun.  Also also, eating!  NO WAIT I said that one already, oops sorries!

Kacie B then tells Ben what *stuff* she’s all the time doing.

BEHBEH: “I like to go to the grocery store.”  Hahah.  Come on.

Seriously, come on.  You’re kidding me with this.

“Cook.  See my family.  Workout with friends.  You know.”

KACIE TO US: “I need to open up to Ben like I haven’t opened up to a guy in a long time.  And that scares me.”

COME ON.  This fruit is hanging so low it’s slapping me in the face and breaking on contact.  But I refuse to bite into it.  I had my moment when I called that hotel a vagina-shaped penis back there.  But that’s because IT WAS.  IT WAS a pen-ina.  And I am done with such talk.  For at least one commercial break I am done with such talk.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE – DATE CARD TIEMPO!

Lindzi reads the card…

Emily

Nicki

Lindzi

Barefoot McDenimromper

Courtney

Jamie

JAMIE: “We realize that Blakely and Rachel are not on the group date, so therefore they’re definitely on the two on one date.”

You know, I was worried that when Erika The Lawyer was sent home, there would be no one to handle the deduction skills part of this show.  There’s serious math involved, with these dates and these cards, and with the figuring out of what it means if someone is not on a date card, and what that means for that person’s chances, should there be another date card later on in the show, and whether a two-on-one date is, in fact, a date involving two people, or three people, and if one, two, three or no people go home on those dates… you know, things like that.  Things of that sort.  So I gotta say, we’re really lucky that Jamie decided to take on that role.

JAMIE: “Blakely’s excited.  It’s bizarre.”

With the news of their involvement in the two-on-one date, here’s how the ladies are feeling:

RACHEL: Awwwwwkwaaarrrrrd.

BLAKELEY: *passes out twice and then adds that she passed out twice to the scrapbook.  (If you are a regular recap-reader, but don’t watch the show, AHAHAHHYOU’LLSEEWHATAHMEANLATER.)

BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE WITH BEN + BEHBEH

Now, I do wanna mention before I start mocking this date that I still think Ben and BEHBEH’s time would have been better spent doing one another’s hair back at the VagInn.  You’ll remember I suggested it last week.  Well, I stand behind it, still.  I’m prepared to say more so.

KACIE B: “People my age, I don’t always relate to.”

Ok this statement is either going to end with “… I feel that, when I’m babysitting, that’s when I can really be ME.”  OR it’s going to end with OHBOY, LOOKWHATITENDEDWITH:

KACIE B: “I don’t always feel as young as I am.”

Ben don’t laugh.  I’m sorry, I’m already laughing and I know laughing is contagious like vomiting and yawns, but you gotta keep it together–

BEN: “You seem so mature.

*faints*

*comes to* Wow, sorry I just fainted, Ben, I was just shocked at your smoothness delivering that lie.  It’s– it’s almost like you… meant it?  Anyway nice save, forreals.  ……….. Wait you are kidding, right? though?  I’m just–I’m gonna go ahead and assume you’re kidding.  Very well played as long as you’re kidding.

Then this happens:

KACIE B: “In high school, I had an eating disorder and it shaped who I am.”

BEN: ……. HERE’S A ROSE HERE TAKE IT.  No, but seriously folks, I’M NOT TOUCHING EATING DISORDERS WITH A 30 FOOT POLE.  Leave those types of jokes to someone more base than me.  (So your first challenge here is to find someone who is more base than I am.  Second challenge: arrive at that person’s doorstep and deliver a Blakely-style slap to the face.)

Telling the lens of a camera about her date with Ben, BEHBEHLUH says this:

Not this again.  Sigh.  Ok, BEHBEH, is that– that’s around like… what, an 8?  What’s the conversion rate here; is it like metric to inches, or more like feet and yards.  Are we comparing oranges to oranges or apples to oranges?  Or is this more like bananas / banaynays.  I REALLY WANNA UNDERSTAND, BEHBEH, SO I CAN USE IT PROPERLY.  I’m reachable here; thanks in advance.

Let me just tell you, when BEHBEH delivered THAT little gem of a line, I lead a mini cheer squad in my mind over the renewed potential for seemingly limitless “Scale of 1 to 10″ uses in these recaps, going forward.  I felt the old version from that veritable Ray of Sunshine Jaclyn was getting a little tired, reaching its limit, and I was even starting to move into a new grief stage… until this arrived in my lap.  Thank you BEHBEH I could kiss you!  *PECKKK*  I just kissed you like Ben does, I hope you loved it!

BEHBEH ALSO SAYS: “I opened up… it was great… it signifies our growth together.  I didn’t expect my feelings for Ben to be so strong.  The more time I spend with him, the more I have feelings for him, and I feel like, we’re on the right track.”

Kacie, I couldn’t have said it in a more descriptive manner of how relationships naturally progress.

COMMERCIAL

 

During the commercial break I see a preview for some show that’s guest starring one of those Kim Kardashians and on a scale of one to wonderful, I am dismayed.  In Persian currency that’s ~ 50 rial.

GROUP DATE – SIMPLE DIRTY RIVER TRIBAL EXPERIENCE

24 MIN – On their way to what they were told is an assembly in the auditorium, the bevy walks in single file to meet OH BOY IT’S BEN IN A VERY LONG, THIN BOAT!  But never mind that; I’m more concerned with their approach to clothing.  They’re making some disconcerting decisions, decisions I haven’t faced since I was 16 years old.  Decisions involving, “do I wear the booty cutters that cut right UNDER my booty, or do I wear the booty cutters that curve *just right above the crack of* my booty.

Ben asks if the girls like his boat.  Casey’s expression reveals that she’s finally found the unicorn she’s been tracking all her life – and it is everything she hoped it would be – but Courtney, on a scale of one to wonderful– no wait this one’s on a scale of one to ten…

… the sight of Ben’s boat turns out to be visual ipecac for Courtney and she is on the verge of an overnight stay at the vomitorium.  And then I googled “vomitorium” because I was like, does this exist other than as a word inside of my mind? and turns out it does, but it’s not what I thought it was… well, anymore.  The modern use of the term is the area in an ampitheater where the crowd can easily empty out.  OH WAIT, I GET IT NOW!!!!!  Hahahha.

Fun Fact: Most of the stuff I write about Courtney in these recaps is born AFTER I randomly pause the program and it lands on her face doing something *unique.*  Go ahead, try it; 8 times out of 10 she’s summoning Jim Carrey back during his In Living Color days.  (Please tell me most of you know what “In Living Color” is, or I’m going to kill myself for no longer having relevant throwbacks.)

Because Panama hates Ben, the weather is a sultry mix of humidity, drizzle, and low hovering, thick mist.  For Ben, it’s a recipe for an epic bad hair day.  For Courtney?  It’s– for Courtney it’s– Courtney’s cumming-to-town you guys.

Next we see little boys running around, suspiciously with no little girls amongst them unless I just wasn’t looking closely enough (I do black out periodically during viewings of this show).

A whole situation develops out of something this lady below– wait what’s her name again?

Courtney pulls a cuh-lassic move that has become her namesake, and the girls surprisingly do NOT all fall in love with her this time.

In fact, the bevy gets really calmly irate about Courtney’s decision to nude it up under her chest piece.  And I almost get pretty frustrated by this move as well, as it signifies her aggressive and persistent need for attention and is yet another superficial attempt to guise a play for attention under the cloak of “I’m one of those laid back girls who just goes with the flow and just wants to be one with the earth,” but then Lindzi makes up the word “abrazing” and I black out for 10 minutes and miss the whole group date.

On a side note, I really wanna thank ABC for making sure to throw some cgi loin-cloths on those kids’ sexy tushies.  Little kids’ tushies are definitely inappropriate television, and I for one appreciate you blocking those children’s derrieres but then letting us help ourselves to a bite of this dulce de leche:

So is this what you would call the male version of smuggling acorns?  Except instead of acorns it’s… SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT.  WHY IS THERE A WEIGHTED SECTION OF LOIN CLOTH IN THE BACK OF HIS BODY.

36 MIN and we’re BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

After commercial, it’s the bevy chillaxing back at home, just having some girl time.  You know, reflecting on the day.  Or hating every minute of it.  I think it might be both.  And then we see Lindzi and Ben by the pool….

LINDZI: “I don’t believe in fighting.”  OMG RIGHT?  Honestly I don’t GET why fighting even exists anymore on this Earth, ’cause everybody knows that fights and fighting are one of those things that people can totally preempt by simply declaring that they have no use for the stuff early on in life.  It’s really so simple; just say “I don’t believe in [fill in the blank]” and it’ll be gone from your life.  For example, I think it was ten years ago when I decided “I don’t believe in going number two anymore.”  HAVEN’T. POOPED. SINCE.  Greatest decision of my life.  I’m sure lots of girls out there have done the same, since– actually, let me ask you significant others out there, how many of you have seen your girlfriend excuse herself to go take a crap?  I’d venture that it’s few to none.  And it’s all because your girlfriends, smart cookies they are, simply declared their decision never to bother with the stuff again!  And it’s not at all that they go a) when you’re not home, b) aren’t eating enough to support bowel movement regularity.  It’s neither of those things; it’s the magic thing!

Can I just say, just like, right here can I say that I actually really love Lindzi?  Can I say that?  Same thing with BEHBEH, you know this already.  But can I also say that I just really need these girls for whom I have so much love for to stop giving the producers so much to work with?  Can I ask that?  I really need you guys to work with me here.  You just can’t, like, in life, say “I don’t believe in fighting.”  Do you mean physical altercations, strictly?  Because then I feel you on that, I don’t believe in that s**t either, f**k no.  But if you mean the full spectrum of arguments/disagreements, then seriously WTF, Lindzi.  Was that one of those “I knew as it was coming out that it was ridic but I couldn’t stop” situations?  That’s the only excuse.  You, too, can reach me here with your answer.

At some point in his conversation with Lindzi, Ben reignites my distaste for him with: “You don’t wanna go back to dumpsville, eh.”  NICE ONE, BEN.  YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK.

KACIE B READS BLONDE AND BRUNETTE TWO-ON-ONE WITH A TYPE OF SERENE CALM THAT IS STARKLY IN CONTRAST TO THE MURDERS BOTH OF THESE WOMEN ARE COMMITTING IN THEIR MINDS.

Rachel: I’m not looking forward to this because Blakeley’s good at dancing and I don’t think we should be sexual with Ben because this isn’t about chemistry this is about FINDING LOVE. 

That’s not whatcha BOOBIES said, Rach.

Blakeley: AAHHHM AH DAAANCAAAA!

FLASH TO BEN STEALING COURTNEY AND COURTNEY BEING JUST LIKE A TOTAL SHOW-OFFY POOPYPANTS ABOUT IT

Ben, in general, to Courtney, all of the time: “I like everything you do.  Keep doing it.  Don’t stop doing it.  Especially the nude stuff.  Sister I am down, with the nude stuff.”

Courtney: “I’m planning on making some private time with him, no question.  I think he’s itching for it.  I am, too.”

Itching for it?  Or will he be itching following it.  You know where to reach me.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK

FLASH TO JAMIE BEING INTERVIEWED BY HERSELF WHILE FACING BEN

Jamie starts talking and it’s the conversational equivalent of the movie Speed, where Jamie is the city bus that has to keep its speed above 50 mph or everybody dies.  Except I feel I like I’m going to die WHILST she’s talking, if she doesn’t STOP.  But so yeah, this must be why she doesn’t talk much?  Because she can’t control it?  The weird thing is that usually it’s the people who don’t talk very often, who decide to speak up only when they have something important to say.  Anyway, I had higher hopes for Jamie, hopes that came crashing down when she decided to become the Matchbox Man.  After listening to 30 seconds of her talking I’m more interested in becoming Honey Boo Boo Child’s live-in trainer and existing on a strict diet of Go Go Juice, Doritos and her mother’s painful childhood memories.

Ben can’t pay attention to Jamie because she’s not interesting he’s distracted by Courtney who has arrived in a bathing suit.  Your instinct is to get mad at him, but please note that his behavior here is understandable; due to Ben’s prehistoric DNA make-up, which is unique to him, he has not yet developed the finer reasoning skills and focus that come with countless years of human evolution into modern day.

Y’know what, you guys?  I think I’m really gonna miss that section of my readers that just left who don’t believe in human evolution.  We had fun here.  It was all fun and games and asterisked curses and references to sexuality and having sex and Vagina Hotels and then I had to go and blow it with *the truth about evolution.*  I’m really sorry about that.  And if you’re still reading and you don’t agree with me about evolution, well, then, you’re awesome and we need to hang out and have tea over innocuous subject matter that does not lead into talk of religion or politics STRICTLY ENFORCED.

Ok, now here’s what Jamie says when she’s interviewed about Ben’s meandering eyeballs…

JAMIE: “Let’s face it, if Brad Pitt was standing behind him, I’d have trouble focusing as well!”

Jamie, revisit that statement when you’re not bombed and think about what you’re saying here.  Because ANYONE.  Any man, or thing, would distract me from this thing we’re calling The Bachelor this season.  When I look at him?  On a scale of one to wonderful, I throw up a little bit in my mouth.  And believe it or not, it’s hardly anything to do with his face at this point; it’s his cold coldness, that is oh-so cold to the touch.  To borrow the timeless words of a very smart man named Dave Chapelle, this guy is COLD-AS-ICE.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK!

Ben grabs Emily to have a talky-poo, Emily makes a funny, followed by Emily having no transition from budding comedienne to admiring lover, followed by a kiss that’s totally not fully awkward at all.

BEN: “I know you were a little involved in other people’s business… are we– are we past that?”

EMILY: “You know, I just… I want to focus on you, and I feel like I’m back, and my mind is in the right place, and it’s a lesson, and I’M GOING TO HAVE YOU KISS MY FACE WEIRDLY NOW.

*i closed my eyes during this, being that it was unbearable*

THEN THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENS……… I call it the scene where I keep yelling “Emily stop it.  Stop.  STOP THAT.  NO SERIOUSLY– OMFG stop apologizing RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

ENGAGE: Emily apologizing to FACE OF A MODEL — here’s the MODEL’s face during it, just for a point of reference; something to imagine whilst you read.

EMILY: “I was wrong about you, Courtney.”

COURTNEY: “Well I appreciate you being direct with me, because I respect that…”

EMILY: “Well I–

COURTNEY: LEMME FINISH

EMILY: [silent, her expression evidences fear and loathing]

COURTNEY: “@!!$%&%!&^#%$!^(#&%*(*@^%@*&*)@!#(*)!($^&$!@

….. and that’s why you’re still going to die at my hand.”

This is when Ben comes over, grabs Lindzi and takes her to a different location (ladies this is never a good idea) but then he gives her the rose and offers his tongue for insertion:

I think it’s around here where we find Courtney getting ready for the sex portion of the group date.

So, like I said, Courtney is beautifying herself and hoping Ben visits her vagina.  Actually, I’m not sure if this is when that happened, to be honest I’m freaking out a little right now because I’m on my second viewing of the episode and I think I’ve seen only one Casey S crying teaser.  F WORD!  I have so much left still to go.  I kind of would like to die.  But I’m gonna soldier on because I’m really worried YOU GUYS will kill me if I don’t.  Not like really worried, but… sort of.  You wouldn’t kill me over a recap not being as funny as a previous week’s…. would you?  Maybe no one should answer that, if it’s going to scare me.

During this scene where Courtney’s doing her typical pre-murder face-beautifying ritual (I think it involves a lot of carrots), Honey generates a comment he can’t hold back:

HONEY SAYS: “Ok she’s got to be an actress.  Or her mom was just NOT present.”

I have no comment on his comment.

ENGAGE FEELING SUPER BAD FOR COURTNEY FOR A MINUTE BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T GET THE SEX AND ALSO BECAUSE SHE’S HAD BAD EXPERIENCES WITH MEN

COURTNEY: “I want someone who treats me the way that I wanna be treated.”  Courtney has a good point here.  Unfortunately, Courtney missed one of those important memos we get in kindergarten about how you have to do that unto others to receive it.  Maybe she needs to be left back into kindergarten?  Listen it couldn’t HURT, is all I’m saying.  Doing kindergarten over.  Though she’d probably just get naked.  Seems to be her thing, getting naked around the littles.

We’re heading into commercial here, but not before we’re teased with Blakeley saying “I’m not gonna let Rachel get in the way, of me.”  yeah, I mean that’s cool.  Or, “get in my way,” y’know, works, too.  But you know either or, really.

COMMERCIALANDWE’REBACK!TWO-ON-ONE WITH BEN AND BLAKELY AND SMOKERS ANONYMOUS

With two glorious members of the bevy in hand, Ben tells us he’s excited to go down to a “Local Latin lounge” with the ladies…. you master of alliteration, you.  Oooh, Ben, you just turned me on a little bit there.  I love a man who knows how to play with his language.  Speaking of playing with languages, allow me to be highly inappropriate here for a second, as they head into the lounge and are met by their salsa dance instructor, Sammasomething James I’m pretty sure it sounded like.

DANCE INSTRUCTOR: “Welcome.  My name is Salmonila James and today I’m goin to teesch you SALSA!  Ok?  The Salsa ees energetic, ehpassionate an de moss importan’ think, is sexy.  De way thah you move wihh your partner, show you eef you haf chemistry.  Good, or not.”

They change into some amazing dresses that I think they were real sports not to complain about, and begin…. TO DAAAAANCE.  Blakeley shows us that she’s much better at this than Rachel is, and Rachel IS NOT AMUSED.

RACHEL: “Blakely uses her sexuality a LOT with Ben, I don’t particularly know why she does that.”

LOL. OMG LOL, Rachel.  You are en fuego.  En fuego!  With the one liners and totally hilarious statements of nonsensical hilarity and non-truths about what is and what isn’t the right way to show a guy you are interested in him.  But you’re not– umm…. you’re not with the dancing, though.  You are very not *en fuego* with that.

In fact…

… one would think that Blakeley is running away with this date, and not letting you, in the way, get, of her, way.

I guess we’ll just have to tune in in a bit for Part 2 of this episode’s recap, which I’m like so furiously working on right now as you read this and I expect it to be done tomorrow on the earlier side of things.  Also, I’m probably gonna post a WEDDING??!!  Because I seem to remember that this is A WEDDING BLOG, ALSO???!!!!

Also also, Bambino has something to say:

:)

Ok, please, you, to me, give feedback?  It is my only sustenance as I work to complete Part 2 of this amazing, amaaaaazing, super sophisticated show that I’m so proud to watch.

xoxo  - Alison

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps

Love all of this...

45 comments

  1. Siri Salonen on February 10, 2012

    OMG…you totally made me shrink my jeans too much. I mean, I’ve been trying to work out more and eat less and all that but the MAGIC happens when I don’t dry my jeans to long and then I feel all hot like. But you know what? Even though I will have to use a freaking funnel to pour my a** into my pants tomorrow, it was totally worth it. I mean, the verbal dexterity with which you weave the twisted tale of the Bachelor recaps…pure poetry. You are the rockingist of rockers! It no wonder I couldn’t pull myself away from your riveting recap. Can’t wait for more:)

    Reply
  2. Jessie on February 10, 2012

    You are a saint for putting these recaps together for your adoring fans. Confession: sometimes when I’m watching, I get really excited wondering what your take on different things will be. And you know what? You never disappoint.

    Reply
  3. Kate on February 10, 2012

    The perfect read before bed. Once again, couldnt stop laughing. Barefoot McDenimRomper…best nickname ever. Can’t wait for part 2 and to see what you have to say about Jamie and her fanciness! Thanks for the laughs and not taking this sham too seriously!

    Reply
  4. Annie on February 10, 2012

    On a scale of one to wonderful, this is hilarious.

    Reply
  5. Em on February 10, 2012

    4.30pm on a Friday afternoon here and I totally closed my door at work so I could read your update in peace… I never ever watched the bachelor, but your recaps made me start downloading them every week just so I can watch and add that whoooooole other dimension to your posts. They are pure gold. You’re a gem for staying up past bedtime to write them for us and we all appreciate it!
    I can’t wait for part 2 – I cannot fathom how many times the girls said “like” in their conversations this episode… or how a “model” can have such teeny tiny bird lips!!

    Reply
  6. CupcakeCaliBride on February 10, 2012

    You know, these recaps really make me want to watch the show…except I’m pretty sure the show would be nowhere as entertaining as your reviews, because there is NO WAY it could maintain the ratio of laughter to minutes! Can’t wait for the next one :)

    Reply
  7. calley on February 10, 2012

    seriously, THIS is why i watch the bachelor. love love love. (when kacie b said “from one to wonderful,” i led a mini cheer squad in my mind knowing the gems that would pop up here because of it.)

    also, judging by what was hanging in ben’s loincloth, he has everything courtney is looking for. and instead of continuing to make (weak) metaphors about how a date is like his relationship with whichever girl happens to be on it with him, he should have just gone to courtney’s room, said “if i can penetrate my way in to the vaginn tonight to meet up with the girl of my (penis’) dreams, i feel confident that i can penetrate her well for the rest of my life,” and let the rest of the girls go home.

    but then we wouldn’t have any more of your recaps… so i guess i’ll take more ben.

    Reply
  8. Libby on February 10, 2012

    I must have blacked out during the part when Casey B said “On a scale of one to wonderful.” HOW DID I MISS THAT!?!! This is why this recaps are so crucial to my Bachelor watching experience!

    Reply
  9. Ben on February 10, 2012

    The In Living Color throwback was much appreciated, which may explain why I love your humor so much. Seriously, on a scale of one to wonderful this post would have made me piss my pants a little, but I stopped believing in such things a long time ago.

    I love that this recap came out a bit later this week as well. It is giving me something to help tie me over to Monday night’s episode of extreme ridiculousness. Apparently the big confrontation about Satan with Ben and Behbeh is happening on the next episode.

    Did anyone else catch Behbeh telling Ben to “tread lightly” in the preview? Seems like a familiar phrase.

    Reply
  10. Tara on February 10, 2012

    LOVE. Just love. I’ve been checking like a crazy person for your recap since I watched it Tuesday. I haven’t watched a season of the Bachelor in years but your recaps have made me start again. Hilarious! :)

    Reply
  11. Bianca on February 10, 2012

    I swear I’m your BIGGEST fan when it comes to these recaps!! You are on another level of HILARIOUS!!! I could NOT stop laughing. Thank you sooooooo much for the recap! I can’t wait for part 2 to arrive. Keep up the amazing work!!!

    Reply
  12. Rita on February 10, 2012

    I remember In Living Color! Watched it too much to admit.

    Thanks for the weekly luagh – it was worth the wait.

    Thank god for these contestants. At least they provide some humor. I can’t get over how boring Ben is…and they are all fighting for his attention? Dear god. I would have left early in the season because I would have been bored.

    Again, thanks for the read – worth the wait!!!!

    Reply
  13. Rita on February 10, 2012

    Oh yeah…wtf on the stray cat????

    Reply
  14. Lauren on February 10, 2012

    One a scale of one to I cant wait for the next recap, I am so happy right now.

    Reply
  15. Aimee on February 10, 2012

    I wanna get fancy with your recaps.

    Reply
  16. Nicole on February 10, 2012

    hilarious as always! i cant wait to hear what you have to say about stupid jamie and her attack of ben’s lap and tongue. sick-o.

    Reply
  17. sophienette on February 10, 2012

    JUST LOVE and LAUGHTER! Fabulous job!

    Reply
  18. Casey on February 10, 2012

    Hooray!! I can’t believe I get a Part Dos to look forward to!!!! AAaaaaaaaiiiiieeeeeee! When I read this at home, I laugh out loud and my dog and guy stare at me – I’m not ashamed.

    Reply
  19. Lisa on February 10, 2012

    I have to be careful where I read this blog because I laugh so loud while reading it. Keep it coming!!

    Reply
  20. Cassandra Eldridge on February 10, 2012

    Do I even have to say anything?? YOU ALREADY KNOW. Smuggled acorns and a heavy waited down loin in the rear made me spit out mah coffee. I’m not even mad about it!

    Reply
  21. Ilana on February 10, 2012

    I absolutely love the recaps! its like reading a trashy smut romance novella and i cant get enough! I almost want to watch these eyeball-stabbing-out episodes to get the full effect. Almost. you are a saint for a) watching these every week without gallons of margaritas, and b) creating these amazing recaps of trashy goodness!

    Reply
  22. Nikki on February 10, 2012

    Waiiit a minute…I thought that if you climbed to the top of the bay bridge then you could accomplish anything in a marriage together. But now you have to survive on an island with no wine? You guys I’m heading straight for divorce because I can’t do either of those things.

    Barefoot McDenimromper. Ahahahahahahahah! I can’t wait for part 2, you are a God.

    Reply
  23. Lstyle on February 10, 2012

    Please do not ever stop doing recaps, this ish is HILARIOUS.

    Reply
  24. Brit on February 10, 2012

    I never knew that planning my wedding would lead me to the most amazing recaps I’ve ever read in my life. I read this last night in bed on my iPad while my fiance was trying to sleep since he had an early wake up call for work. Possibly the hardest thing I have ever done is to try to be quiet while reading this amazing recap. It resulted in me shaking violently while I tried not to burst out guffawing in bed. This ended in some kind of weird half-laugh half-hiccup gasping noise, which of course ended in one very awake fiance. But I’m sorry…that LOIN CLOTH BACK-END BULGE?!?!?! and the PRESENTATION OF BEN’S TONGUE!??! I DEFY you not to cry/shake/laugh while reading that.

    Reply
  25. Brit on February 10, 2012

    Oh and one more thing, I’m not even ashamed to say that the highlight of my week will be the recap of the hot mess that is Jamie’s kissing tutorial. Thank you, in advance, for this precious, precious gift.

    Reply
  26. Ed on February 10, 2012

    Your blog rules! I too am now addicted to this inane show, but you make it all worth it with your insights.

    Reply
  27. Jason on February 10, 2012

    As a man who watches the bachelor/bachelorette with my wife and sometimes with friends, I do appreciate you giving us your husband’s comments. I often find them to be exactly what I and other guys are thinking. It’s interesting to see how our wives/female friends don’t pick up on what we’re seeing.

    On case in point – most of the time on the bachelor, one girl decides she has the moral responsibility to “warn” the bachelor about a girl there with the wrong motives (may be true, may not be). Every guy in America thinks this: DON’T BE THAT GIRL. No guy likes a snitch/tattle-tale. Plus, we see through this “concern for you” as an attempt to manipulate us away from a girl we’re attracted to onto you. The snitch has no objectivity of motives in this. It never works out. They may think they are doing it “for the guy” but it’s just like attractive girls who have guys that are “just friends” who give dating advice. Those guys are hanging around waiting for their chance, hoping to get out of the friend zone.

    Girls – like one of our favs Ashley Spivey – don’t see this behavior in the same way. They see it as protective. It may be (I mean Courtney is a Succubus) but you’ve got to let the guy figure that out himself. If he can’t – he’s not worth your time/love – it’s a major red flag. As we see in Ben’s case – he’s still got some “boy with a hot model & lots of attention” kid-in-a-candy store he needs to grow through. He’s not ready for marriage, but he’s not a bad guy either. Just emotionally immature. No woman should want that in a husband. So – if you don’t want a man you have to “raise” or “mother” don’t engage in “THAT TATTLE-TALE GIRL” activity. Men see this, mostly, and women don’t.

    This is why I love the bachelor. While it’s manipulated reality – you just can’t fake or hide crazy. These extreme circumstances reveal something about the people in them as well as something about ourselves as men and women. You can learn a lot from it in a fun way if you want to learn.

    Your bachelor recap blog rocks. Don’t feel too much pressure to “produce” or you’ll get overwhelmed. Keep being your honest and funny self.

    Reply
  28. JuliaEnchanted on February 10, 2012

    Thank you for making me feel validated in watching a show I have no respect for. So much <3 for the recaps and I promise not to kill you over them!

    Reply
  29. Danielle on February 10, 2012

    HILARIOUS recap. Will definitely be following your blog the rest of the season! :) Thanks to Ashley Spivey for posting the link!

    Reply
  30. chelsea on February 10, 2012

    Almost pooped my pants when you talked about choosing not to poop.

    Hilarious.

    Reply
  31. Mek on February 10, 2012

    This is hilarious!!!! Why am i just finding this?!! I was literally laughing out loud as I read this. Can’t wait for part 2!!!

    Reply
  32. MaggieBride on February 10, 2012

    OMG!!! Love your blog but never, never have I laughed out loud at work like I did when I read your desciption of the FFFFFAGINA HOTEL!! It so does look like a…well you get it! Love ya Alison, thanks for making my workld a little better!

    Reply
  33. Ben on February 10, 2012

    For those who remember In Living Color (and maybe for those who don’t) i give you Fire Marshall Bill . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlLPogmB8M8

    Reply
  34. Paula on February 11, 2012

    All I can say about this: I CAN’T WAIT FOR PART 2 :D

    Reply
  35. Lee on February 11, 2012

    Note to self: remember to empty my bladder before reading this blog or I WILL empty my bladder. You’re too much!

    Reply
  36. Lena on February 11, 2012

    An episode like this week’s really needed this many days for a proper recap, because if you’d tried initially, you would have been felled by the deserted island, the “I’m so wet”, the nipples, the jorts and Casey’s crying. Seriously, girl, cry or not cry. Stick with it. And take a breath. I was sure her dad died, but she’s just in love with a douche bag and cries on Thursday night when he’s “out with his bros” and she’s reading Knotty Bride.

    Because you had to get past ALL OF THAT to even understand what was truly happening here, which is that ABC has decided that a show with genuine emotion was awkward and that FAKE emotion was going to be much more entertaining. Because Ben is clearly just an idiot. A horny idiot, and how did we miss that when he was wooing Ashley? And the women? Each crazier than the last, and not just because women are crazy. There is not a single girl in that group that’s looking around and saying, “PANAMA? What the hell are we doing in this vagina hotel?!” Or, “Isn’t there a budget for hairstylist?” Or, “These “natives” obviously speak Spanish and were talked by a Spanish-speaking producer into doing this segment, and paid in computers and an internet connection, so this is completely ridiculous”. WHY ISN’T SOMEONE ASKING THESE QUESTIONS IS BEYOND ME.

    Reply
  37. Ben on February 11, 2012

    @Lee — You won’t empty your bladder if you do not BELIEVE in emptying your bladder.

    Reply
  38. Megan on February 12, 2012

    My honey (who I must confess got me hooked on the Bachelor) totally said whilst watching Jamie make a complete ass of herself- I wonder what your funny blogger will say about THIS! So good! I love the freezes of Courtney as well. That chick is too much! Thank you. You’re excellent.

    Reply
  39. Ed on February 12, 2012

    Dear Alison,

    It is now 6:25pm Sunday and I am very disappointed that part 2 of Ep.6 is not ready. It may be just a blog to you but for millions of Bachelor fans you are the one that keeps us grounded to the real reality of this show. Please put your self interest aside and think of the people who need you. Now! Get back to your laptop because to quote Bill Murray in “What about Bob” – ” I need, I need!

    Thank you

    Reply
  40. Ben on February 12, 2012

    Looks like some needs his crack cocaine.

    Reply
  41. Ben on February 12, 2012

    *someone

    Reply
  42. Pickle on February 12, 2012

    Aaaaah I love your blog so much…. Like, on a scale-from-one-to-ten it’s the most aMAZing blog everrrr. But seriously, I look forward to reading it on a weekly basis (and re-reading it on a weekly basis). You never disappoint!!

    Reply
  43. Stacey Friedman on February 13, 2012

    Jonesing for Part 2 of Batchcap!

    Reply
  44. kristina on February 13, 2012

    Just found your blog. and you. are. awesome!!!!! love your recaps!

    Reply
  45. シチズン時計 on November 11, 2013

    時計 腕時計

    Reply

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