BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 6 – PART TWO | A scrapbook and a romper walk into a bar.

Hello and welcome to your early Monday morning edition of The Bachelor Recap of Episode 6, Part 2.  Yeah, this is happening.  I know, right?  I can’t believe it either.

Ok.  I want to start off with a couple of important notes/corrections regarding your Episode 6 recap, in order from least to MOST important.

1) At one point, I referred to the VagInn last Friday as a “vagina-shaped penis.”  I have since realized that this is an erroneous description.  The VagInn is in fact more of a “penis-shaped vagina,” since you’ll note that it is a long, narrow, erect edifice, with labia built into the structure and a facade the color of flesh.  It is CLEARLY at its base a phallus, the vaginal aspect being simply an architectural nuance after the builders already had the concept and financial backing in place.  The labia were possibly even a demand from the investors, after the physical foundation had been laid.  So, I would like to apologize for that error.

Hehehe… laid.

2) This one is the important one.  On a rare serious note in these recaps – and I promise I’ll get to the rest of this recap shortly; I just feel like I need to explain this pretty big issue to you guys first…

Among all of your kinder than mothereffing kind comments – seriously, thank you for those, your comments were freaking KIND, y’all – on the last post, I happened to be very, very effected by one line in particular from an individual named Jason, who closed his comment with a particularly relevant assertion that had a serious and lasting impact on me, and is in fact the reason I decided to take a brief break over a portion of the weekend from finishing Part 2 of this two-parter.  His statement: “Don’t feel too much pressure to “produce” or you’ll get overwhelmed. Keep being your honest and funny self.

Jason’s words reached into my soul, shook it, and then reminded me that while producing fun content for your readers is important, it’s also, if not more so, important for me to chill out somewhere that’s not in front of a tv screen and a computer, and not force myself to work through the night and all Saturday to make sure I produce something in a short enough time period for the internet to be happy with me.  I always have major fun with you guys recapping, it’s been a delight, but it’s also time-consuming, and in this past week my schedule was so full of non-Bachelor-related stuff, too, that finishing this recap became much more of a burden than an enjoyable project for me.  I was dreading finishing.  Seriously dreading it.  Not whether or not I could produce it, but whether or not I could devote the sheer time it takes me to put out something I feel good about without going clinically insane from the intense sustained focus and lack of sleep that results from having a fuller than full week.  There’s a time and a place for all things, and even I have to take some me-time to recharge the ol’ blogging batteries.  And that means not spending hours with the show on pause to make sure I blood-let my brain sufficiently of all of its mockelets.  I need to keep some of those mock– platelets para mí, so I can survive through to the next round.  I truly, truly, truly hope that you all feel me, and that you understand where I’m coming from and that you’re down with the R&R I took for myself over the weekend.  Taking the weekend for me and my wee family is what keeps me sane, and *sanity* is the only difference between me and these women on this season of The Bachelor.  Once that goes… well I don’t even wanna think about that.

Anyway, so… Bygones?  I hope so.  The other thing I hope is that this recap part 2 is at all funny.  Like, at all. Honestly I can’t even tell anymore.  At this point I feel like I’ve lived the show, that I’m a character within the plot and that I no longer exist outside of reality television.  That is a scary place to be, and believe me, I have already cried once this weekend.

IT IS NOW TIME TO GET THE PARTY STARTED.  YOUR PART 2, MY FRIENDS WHO HOPEFULLY HAVEN’T TURNED TO ENEMIES NOW, IS READY……….

DURING EATS WITH THE MINIBEVY, BEN REQUESTS THAT RACHEL JOIN HIM FIRST, TO TALK PRIVATELY

Knowing the order of events with regard to a typical end of show proposal and how typically it’s the first person with whom he speaks who ends up getting sent home, Blakeley sees this whole being left behind thing as a win, and she is glowing, shimmering even, with delight.

Upon closer inspection we realize it’s just some reflective gold shimmer leftover from a recent *performance*.  But upon even closer inspection, we realize that that was very mean to say, and so instead, her cheeks are most likely shimmering from the gold dust she was gluing onto her “Belize” page.  If you don’t watch the show but read the recaps, then you don’t know what this means yet but you will in a few, and you will go, “ohhh ha, ok.  aright I guess that’s funnyish.”  And I will agree with you, because they can’t all be winners.

Once safely inside the Scrapbooking Room, they begin to discuss how the date went and whether their relationship is developing faster than the one he has with Blakeley.  By “developing” he means “are you gonna dance up on me the way Blakeley does, because I think dancing up on me is a good indicator of whether or not we’d be able to rise to challenges in our marriage down the road.  He goes on to say “and Rachel, by “rise,” I mean face those HARD challenges HEAD on.  And by HARD and HEAD on, I mean– Rachel you should be getting what I’m saying by now.  Jump up on it now, quick; before I send you home in a couple of weeks as has been schedul–no, I mean WHAT?  WHO’S GOING HOME? NOT YOU!  Aright, look down… Little Ben-icio Del Torro is ready for you now because lying to women turns me on.

Rachel tells Ben that she wholeheartedly likes him and wants to be here…

RACHEL: “There’s something great here, and I think it can be so much greater than it is.”

AND THEN BEN SAYS, and I quote: “ay yai yai yai yai.” … while looking up and away in one of the least overtly offensive eye rolls I’ve personally ever seen executed in my adult life.  I couldn’t have done it myself.  He is truly a master at inauthenticity.  He is also a master at getting me to go “EWWWW!” —

NOW IS THE PART WHEN BEN TAKES BLAKELY OFF TO F**K PRIVATELY TALK PRIVATELY

BLAKELEY, to Ben: “For the first time, I just feel– I just really FEEEEEEL something.”  ”See I just got these boobies last year but for some reason it’s taken like for EVER for the swelling and nerve-damage to go down.  Anyway, they’re finally ready for handling– y’wanna touch ‘em?  It’s ok, I don’t even feel like they’re MINE anymore.  I’m just like, go ahead, everyone can enjoy them now!  Hahahahaahahahah TOUCH THEM, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

BEN: “Yeah, you’ve changed, and you’re a bit different, and more open, and I noticed those things…”

HONEY: ”… and I did NOT like what I saw.”

Honey has this annoying habit of often finishing Ben’s sentences with the truth.

BLAKELEY, now cry-talking from a cramped position directly underneath the immovable weight of her emotions regardless of whether they are good or bad, says: “EVERYWHERE I’VE GONE… I ALWAYS TRY TO PICTURE IT JUST ME AND YOU… AND…. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU BEFORE I EVEN GET TO KNOW YOU….” so yeah I’m just gonna go ahead and start doing that thing that I do that makes that a consistent self-fulfilling prophecy in my life.

At this point I am immediately overcome and I say “there is a scrapbook here.  There is a scrapbook HEEEERRRE, it is CLOSE, and IT’S GONNA HAPPEN.”  Kristen Bell has a similar ability when sloths are near.  With me it’s whenever a girl is about to frighten a guy into breaking up with her on the spot.

I hope you were watching this scene closely, friends, because this was one of those rare times in nature when we can actually pinpoint with undeniable precision the exact moment when a relationship turns to over.  What confuses me is that the VIP waitress thing was WORKING for her.  He likes VIP cocktail waitress Blakeley.  So why she would switch gears into obsessive crafter/stalker Blakely just doesn’t make any sense to me.  My head is spinning.

When I pause the scrapbook scene to take a picture, Honey notices something, and it is right here Honey really proves what a necessity he is during these viewings.  He is my eyes, when I cannot see.  And since I’m blacking out fairly frequently he is my eyes often.

HONEY: “wait… are those things adjectives describing Ben?  See there, around his name.”

This is where the show gets paused for a considerable amount of time because this is when I go up to the screen to inspect his claim, see that it’s true, and start reading off the adjectives out loud.  Being that they are written all around Ben’s name at playful angles, I have to twist my body and my neck/head quite a ways around to catch the ones that are legible, and this causes me to have to contort so severely, that I end up in a sort of arms-hugging-my-shins, head-almost-between-my-knees upright fetal position, and I’m also laughing hysterically at this point, which is an awkward and very ‘testing-of-your-pass-out-threshold’ kind of thing to do.  I don’t recommend it if you’re not 19 anymore.  Anyway so I’m still reading off the adjectives and at this point I’m laughing even harder now only because Honey is ALSO laughing hysterically at the whole situation of the scrap book and so ultimately, and as you should have anticipated, we both simultaneously blacked out from what we now know was a near-lethal cocktail of laughter, unnatural body contortions, and unforeseen sadness-by-proxy.

BLAKELEY OPENS TO THE FIRST PAGE OF HER SCRAPBOOK   (<— is this… this is really happening?)

She then says… AND I QUOTE… : “This is me *seeing myself* with you in San Francisco.  Like, when I was there I LITERALLY put myself in that position.”  Ben’s hoping his expression is saying this:

But anybody other than Blakeley can tell that what’s is really saying is “at this point I’m actually not so sure I will get out of this alive.”

I would like to comment that it’s just amazing to me that there are women out there who are actually doing and saying these things.  First Rule of Date Club is you don’t make him a scrapbook.  Second rule: if you couldn’t help yourself and you went ahead and made that scrapbook we told you not to make, for chrissake don’t f**king SHOW HIM THE THING.  Third rule: did you show it to him?  You’re out of Date Club.  You don’t get to date people anymore.

BLAKELEY: “This is less of a dream, and more of a reality for me.”

BEN: “Wow this is… this is ongoing… I mean THIS IS GREAT!”  - you guys these are pretty much direct quotes.

Here’s how I could have summed up this whole date using what I learned in that math logic class I hated in college.  Here goes: If  Blakeley shows Ben a scrapbook of their experiences together up until this point, and Ben isn’t a six-year-old other girl in her Brownie troupe, then Ben picks Rachel.

When Ben gives Rachel the rose, Blakeley almost immediately blacks out from her sadness and then sleepwalks out of the restaurant hoping to escape any continued sadness potential.  Best thing she could have done, in my opinion.  Just GTFO of there, stat.  But she’s obviously forgotten who she’s dealing with; Ben doesn’t let you off the hook so quickly.  He is in Panama as a missionary, having given his life for the greater cause of Ending Things Badly.

BEN: “Blakely, could you just– Blak–Blakely, could–could you slow down… could you just….. could you just go with the flow?  GOD I appreciate it when women do that, instead of have emotions.  I can’t risk being with a woman who has convictions that could get in the way of her devotion to me and little 3 inch Ben-icio WAIT WHAT, I MEAN WHAT, I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING, WHAT, WHO WHAT? HAHAHAHAH JUST KIDDING HEY LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT NOTHING’S WRONG WITH MY PEEN.  Oh FYI Blakeley, the heli’s for me and Rach; that Razor scooter over there’s for you.  Yeah– the one that stray cat is peeing on.  Don’t forget to plug Razor scooters in your outro; thanks!  Oh and also don’t let anyone film you dancing erotically while thrusting yourself into his body cavity once you leave the show.”

TOO LATE.  (It exists, but I’m not mean enough to link to that video; sorries.)

This whole departure scene between Ben and Blakeley all sounds eerily familiar to the way it went down between Ben and Ashley last season after she rejected his proposal, if I remember correctly.  And I am reminded of how I just really, really love Ben’s commitment to being a 24/7 hypocrite.  He’s truly devoted to holding up the tenets of hypocrisy, and commitment in any form is an admirable trait.  It’s like he’s like, if you’re gonna call me a hypocrite, I wanna at least be guilty of it, at all times.”  And after he says that to me, he then says “Chrisharrison, remove her from my sight.”  And Chrisharrison goes “yesss, sire,” asks me to remove my shoes and “put on this romper,” puts his hand on the small of my back, and then escorts me to a courtyard where a helicopter is waiting for me to cry inside of it.

IF YOU WEREN’T SURE OF WHO GOT THE ROSE ON THAT DATE…

Overconfident coming off of a recent meeting with Fox about becoming the new voiceover talent behind cartoon characters Marge Simpson and her sisters, Rachel coughs out some of the bitchiest words possible regarding Blakeley’s departure, and in doing so she forcibly lays to rest any residual misgivings I still had from the beginning about the quality of her character.

As we feel a commercial coming on, the teasers continue, horribly, painfully, ever so redundantly… possibly even at internet-meme-generating-level, and we start seriously worrying about / getting really excited to find out about / feeling sort of bad for getting really excited to find out about what’s gone so wrong in Casey S’s life.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK

We return from commercial to an image of the Fffaagina Hotel & Resort and we notice a “TV PG L (for Language)” emblem in the upper left hand corner.  ABC are you warning viewers of the inappropriate language that the mere IMAGE of this hotel is SPEAKING to them, just through the sheer orificeness of its appearance?  Ohhh YOU’RE GOOD.  YOU’RE GOOD.  Well done.  Babies’ tushies and phallina hotels get warning signs or blocked.  But not those second-peens sprouting from the rectums of cavemen.  ABC, is this a National Geographic kind of rule in play?  Like, because Ben is a relic from the Paleolithic era, and therefore you don’t see him as fully human/needing to be blurred?  Y0u know– in the same way that National Geographic doesn’t see tribal women as inherently human, and therefore does not mind sharing their breasteses on their front covers?  Is there like, a memo I can take a look at, that describes in detail what you are and are not to bleep/block/warn of?  I’d be very interested to have that information.  I feel it holds many answers.

THE GIRLS SEE BLAKELEY’S LUGGAGE GO BYE BYE

Jamie is talking now and, like most, I have at this point received so much of her voice that I’ve actually developed what is typically understood to be the male-specific trait of effectively blocking out the sound of a woman’s voice when she is speaking directly to him.  In fact, when Honey saw me heading towards any scene involving her he immediately got up and went to take care of something.  Once it was a shower.  Another time it was to walk Bambino.  Another time he just hid behind the linen closet door asking, “is it over yet?”

Heh.  You think I’m kidding.  I’m not kidding.

Interestingly enough, the only way for men to be snapped out of that aforementioned voice-block is for a woman either to say “did you hear me?” or “whatever, forget it.”  These two phrases are coded into the trait as raising alarm, that something has gone wrong and the male must make a sound in order for everything to return to normal/not become *a situation*.  The More You Know.  #rainbowgraphic

ENTER CHRISHARRISONFACE.  TOTALLY NATURALLY OUT OF NOWHERE.

CHRISHARRISONFACE: (awkwardly because he knows in his heart that it’s wrong) “Hey… hey, guys, HOW’S PANAMA??  Good? Yeah?  Has it–it’s been a good week?  CASEY I NEED YOU.  BAREFOOT.  ROMPER.  NOW.” Or maybe some other, better joke instead of that weak reference to So I Married An Axe Murderer that probably fell flat since it was so, so weak, until of course I explained it, therefore ruining it in the process.  Ah, jokes!

Chrisharrison is escorting Casey S down the hallway when Casey, WEIRDEDTHEF**KOUT, asks, “where are we going?”  But she doesn’t know that he can’t explain anything to her yet, since he’s been instructed to take the girl to a location where everyone including that behbeh monkeh and mommeh monkeh can eavesdrop from the trees.  So instead of answering, he applies his hand to her lower back at which point she says

hahah no I wish she had said that.  What happened instead is that she stared blankly into the far, far off distance.  Aka, business as usual.

When the two find a place outside to talk, where everyone can see them, he is ready to explain.  His front hair now almost completely enveloping his face at this point, Chris decides to pull some tactics from his night gig as a bad seed NYPD riot cop who is much less interested in excuses and much more interested in Executing The Plan Handed Down From The Top, and proceeds to shovel the below *piece de resistance* into her face since she gave him a little attitude back there.  And also because the show’s moving a little slowly so they needed to up the drama with a contrived twist and WHO CARES IF SOMEBODY GETS EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED FOR LIFE, THIS IS TELEVISION.  TELEVISION!  It’s bigger than all of us!

CASEY: “…well, he’s my EX-boyfriend, my EX.”

CHRISHARRISON: “Yeah– yeah ok CASEY it really doesn’t matter this thing is already in play so just STFU.”  And then he goes on to tell her that this saint of an ex-boyfriend of hers told him that they’re still in a relationship.  And I immediately side with the ex-boyfriend.  Because if the not-famous-and-not-on-television-right-now-ex-boyfriend says it’s true, IT MUST MEAN IT’S TRUE.  If you’re gonna rely on ANYONE for the truth of a situation you gotta go with the prick ex-boyfriend right?  You gotta go with the guy who doesn’t care for her in the long-term but enjoys a little mind control when the incessant masturbation I’m assuming he prefers starts to rub things a little raw.

HONEY SAYS: “Whoever her ex-boyfriend is, he is A COMPLETE ASSHOLE, who doesn’t want to marry her, but wants to f**k up any shot she has of finding love with someone else.”

I agree with Honey, and it’s very sad.  First Lindzi, then Courtney, and now Casey with the exceptionally unfortunate relationship histories.  Forget Bachelor Pad; I feel ABC needs to get some kind of Bachelor Group Therapy show in R&D.  I think I’d watch that.  Like, willingly.  (By “R&D” I mean Rent another mansion and Dump these girls inside with Dr. Drew Pinsky… or me.  And I’d like to get that Honey Boo Boo Child in the mix, too.  I feel she’s probably at about the same point in emotional development as a few of these women so might as well kill two birds, y’know?)

So Casey and Chrisharrison talk this thing out, and here’s exactly how it goes:

CHRISHARRISON: LISTEN, YOU’RE STILL IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL.  ARIGHT??!!!!   YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL BUT YOU ARE, OKKKKK?  Aright good it’s settled let’s go talk to Ben.  … No, yeah that’s right I’m coming.  No… no that won’t make it weird.  No, why would– listen I’m coming that’s not a variable here, just let’s GO.

In that scene we find that Chrisharrison’s attempt to play the role of bully cop to Casey’s innocent-child-who-was-upstairs-sleeping-when-the-murder-took-place goes off without a hitch.  In fact…

YOU COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT BETTER IF IT HAD BEEN SCRIPTED THAT WAY, ABC.

THE SCENE WHERE CASEY’S BRAINWASHING MANIFESTS INTO HER SELF-DISMISSAL

So Chrisharrison and NoShoes McSacrifice arrive at Ben’s room, and it’s clear that Ben had no prior notice of this happening because his hair is just COMPLETELY out of hand.  Just COMPLETELY.  But, already in front of the cameras, Ben sighs and decides to do nothing about it for the rest of this season as well as retroactively via time travel.  Because screw it, now everyone’s seen it THIS way, what’s the point, right?  AND THAT’S HOW IT HAPPENS.

Casey S begins, WITHOUT PRODDING, to tell the story of how I kind of maybe but probably not but I mean still possibly so I should mention it at least, have some residual feelings for a dbag who has only the worst intentions and won’t actually marry me ever.  And she apologizes for all of this.  And is near tears.  And, through her about-to-be-tear-covered face, Casey tells Ben some of the saddest, saddest, SADD. EST. stuff, all the while like I said, apologizing for it all, but also trying to figure what the hell she’s been forced into doing here because WTF, why am I being forced to leave a show I really want to be on, with a guy I like, just because my ex boyfriend crapped out a lie about us still hanging out together???!!!

If you want to know what sparked that quarter-life-crisis I am right here right now predicting that she is going to have within the year, it is this moment in this show.  Contact me for the over-under.  I have no idea what I’m talking about I’ve just always wanted to say “the over-under.”

Absorbing all of Casey’s words, Aretha Ben Franklin does everything we have come to expect of him at this point.  He’s really good at helping us solidify our distaste for him.  He leaves nothing to chance.

BEN: “I don’t sugar coat things, and, I think that you should go home.”  Casey agrees with him verbally, and then Ben goes “OH THAT WAS MORE OF A DECLARATION THAN A REQUEST FOR OPINION.”  And then asks Chrisharrison to escort her out by giving him the sign they arranged earlier in the show.  Here’s the sign:

Did you see it?  The sign is whenever he gives the face of a petulant child.  Chrisharrison has been trying to get him to change their sign though because he seems to give off that face more often than he realizes, and it’s been very confusing for Chrisharrison.

Chrisharrison soon realizes what he has to do, and he proceeds to assist Casey S out of the room and into the best exciting twist Chrisharrison, himself, has ever pulled off in the history of the show.  He’s starting to write for them now, and his first contributed scene, which he both starred in AND directed, couldn’t have gone better.  I feel an award nomination coming on you guy– OH F**K THAT’S RIGHT IT’S A SECRET, THE SCRIPTING’S A SECRET.

On the way to the van-of-cries-and-rapid-departures, Casey needs some consoling, and guess who’s there to give it.

This episode will go down in history as the most elaborate plan ever hatched in order to get a pretty girl to want to hug you.  Somebody’s got some elaborate fetishes, you guys.  E-LABorate.  I know the easy accessibility of porn these days has upped the ante for a lot of people as far as what gets their goat, but this is pretty elaborate, my friend.  Was the reality show factor part of the fantasy?  Or was it just a means to an end?  Chrisharrison don’t answer that.

CUT TO: Chrisharrison returning to the rapidly-dwindling bevy’s room immediately after shoving the Barefoot Contesstant into a van, before which she could not pass go, and could not collect goodbyes.  She was shoved out the door, ruthlessly and to be honest I’m actually slightly worried about her and her mental well-being after being at the center of this *exciting twist*.

AND NOW, IT’S TIME TO GET FANCY, WITH YOUR HOST, JAMIE.

Upon the second viewing of this scene in the past two days, when Honey saw her face, and he realized what scene I was on, he ran out of the room saying “no.  NO.  NO.”  (I don’t make this stuff up.)

I, too, wanted to run out of the room and maybe have sex, or eat dinner again, or go grocery shopping, or hang out with friends, or cook, or hang out with Bambino, or play Scrabble with Honey and maybe win this time… anything but watch this scene AGAIN.  I feel like I could recite this show to you, from any point in the show, and any character’s line in that scene.  That is my reality now.  I am not proud of this in the least; I am simply stating facts here, facts that haunt me and lead to many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering how I ever arrived at the gates of such an Earthly Hell but I digress.

JAMIE SAYS “I will be aggressive.” And we’re off.

She tells him, “I feel as if I haven’t even really shown how much I like you.  I’m sorrrry for that!”

Ok.  Here’s the thing.  There was approximately A LOT of talking, and instructing, and movement, and awkwardness that unfolded in this scene where Jamie decides to take things into her own hands.  I can’t BEEEAAARRR to rehash all of it since I am now literally into the wee hours on Monday morning and I HAVE to go to sleep so that I can wake up at an appropriate time for a business woman.  Ok, here we go with the big finish…

JAMIE: “When I go to bed at night, I think about you often, and I think about the things I would like to do with you.”

BEN: OH?

JAMIE: “Yeah.”  ”I had really big plans.  Want me to show you?”

BEN: (in his mind) “no, not really.”

JAMIE: “Ben, I have a really big surprise for you…”

(And I’m like OH NO WHAT’S THE SURPRISE WHY IS SHE OPENING HER LEGS FOR THIS SURPRISE…)

And then Jamie embraces him and Ben has to move out of the way of her hair, but what you don’t see is that Jamie, too, has to move around Ben’s hair because he is also a girl.

She then begins a two-hour graduate level course lecture on Modern Day Flirting but instead of it being sexy or informative in any way it’s more like your Mom is teaching you how to be sexy but she’s showing you on your Dad, and you’re trying to take her seriously because you know how much it means to her to teach you but it’s all you can do not to end up in a fetal position on the floor shouting incoherently and just hoping it will all be over soon.  But then it takes up an entire segment of the show and for the first time in your life you’re begging for a Leap List commercial.

But it never comes.  All that comes is:

JAMIE: “And then I was gonna be like, ohh, can I sit on your lap?”

JAMIE: “And then I was gonna make out with you.”

BEN: You went from zero to 60!

JAMIE: “oh that was more like 50.  That was 50.”

BEN: 50?  OMIGOD.

JAMIE: “Open mouth?  Closed mouth?”

JAMIE: “First we’ll open.  Then we’re gonna close.”

BEN: I don’t know how this is gonna go.

JAMIE: “No we’re gonna plaaaaannnnn it, it’ll go fine!”

JAMIE: I really wanted to have a great kiss with him and I TOLD HIM THAT.”  - see, the fact that Jamie is NOT saying that to us with personal disgust after some self-reflection, but is, instead, sharing that statement and fully believing in it having been the best approach to this situation, and that therefore the outcome was baffling to her…. well…. Ben, send her home.

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE

BEHBEH WHITTLES and Rachel go into this with roses.  After talking gibberish, Ben proceeds to pass out roses a-like a-so:

Nicki. – “yes thank you.”

Courtney – (runs over, says…) “I shalll.”

Then, for a moment, Ben mentally reconsiders the decision he’s been told to make regarding who is going to receive this final rose… but, looking out of the corner of his eye and catching the eye of a producer…

He is stare-forced into staying on plan.  Honestly, I wish the producers would guide him MORE.  This guy is a newborn baby on a scale of one to emotionally developed.

In her exit interview, Jamie says: “I’ve never met a guy like him.”

NEITHER HAVE WE, SWEET CHILD O’ MINE.  NEITHER. HAVE. WE.

ARIGHT, OFF TO BELIZE!

But first, a little story about a wine maker named Ben.  Take it away Emily with the best line of the night… oh and for the record, you’re doing it right.

“And when the local music plays we’ll dance ‘tiiil we’re dizzy, Don’t worry about your hair mine also gets kiiiind of frizzy.”

That was my favorite line.

It was NOT Ben’s favorite line.

(Ben doesn’t like “the truth.”  It chaffes him… down there.  Especially in humid climates, so he’s been trying especially hard to avoid it throughout this whole season, understandably.)

On a final note, this rap means that Emily is the greatest catch in the history of catches.  She just, maybe, isn’t the choosiest.  That, my friends, is her Achilles’ Heel.

At the very end of the show, TiVo prompted me either to delete The Bachelor, save The Bachelor, or watch an African Village get its first well.  I chose the well.  It cleansed me.

LESSONS: What did we learn today, friends?  Well, for one, we learned that…….. oh right hahah!  We again learned nothing.  Thanks, reality television, for always enriching our lives!

I AM SPENT.  I WANNA HEAR YOU TALK AT ME NOW, AS PER USUAL.  Reactions to the show/the recap?  Thoughts?  Ramblings?  I’d love to hear what you’re thinking.  I mean, as long as it’s not anything like “you b!tch, I don’t believe in you taking part of the weekend off from writing content for me; recharging your batteries is horses**t.”  OMG if someone says that I will DIE.  Sigh.  I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.  At this point I need to go lay in bed and be a mute for the next eight hours so that I can be talkative for the next full week.

Thanks for being such amazeballs readers.  This is gonna sound like I’m kissing tushies, but I’m not, I’m just doing something stupid, it’s called being genuine, and it gets a little sappy sounding but WHATEVER SO WHAT WHO CARES.  Yeah, so I wanna mention something I haven’t, which is that I do read and cherish every single comment you guys leave, and man oh man oh man.  You guys, you’re the best.  You say the coolest things.  It’s pretty much what keeps me loving this whole ridiculous process week after week.  I wanted you to know how much YOU mean to ME, since you guys have been really like beyond the coolest about sharing how YOU feel.

On a scale of one to wonderful, y’alls turn that s**t up to ELEVEN.  Aright I’m ready to stop talking now.

– Seacrest out

 

Other recaps from this season:

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 2

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 3

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 4

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 5

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 1

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps

Love all of this...

32 comments

  1. Shannon on February 13, 2012

    I was just telling my boyfriend this morning that I hoped to read your recap before the show tonight! Thanks for taking the time to write out your thoughts each week because you are HILARIOUS.

    Reply
  2. Sandy on February 13, 2012

    OMG. Well worth the wait. My two best laugh-out-loud-on-the-train-and-make-people-think-I’m-crazypants moments were seeing Bam’s pic on the wall in the “Scrapbooking Room” and calling Casey the Barefoot Constesstant. (though I loved “Barefoot McDenimRomper” in Part I, too) Keep up the good work, but also YES it does sound like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to do these recaps! You’re hilarious no matter what, but I promise we’ll all still love you just as much if you get a little sleep and time to yourself, too. :) xo!

    Reply
  3. Trisha on February 13, 2012

    Yeaaaaah!! I am glad you took the weekend off for yourself, because this production was a GEM! You are so funny. I couldn’t wait to read your response to Jamie’s HORRIBLE spectacle! I look forward to ep 7! :)

    Reply
  4. Bianca on February 13, 2012

    Ok, so here’s the deal:
    You are, and I am do serious when I say this, THEEEEEEE funniest person I know. I don’t actually know you, but for now, I’ll pretend like I do. These recaps are insane. And if you need the weekends to relax, that’s fine! But, let’s think about it from a logical perspective…k?…if Bachelor is Monday nights, and it takes you, let’s say…3 days to do this, which puts us at Thursday….that means you take fri-sun off to relax and unwind…and you are recharged by Monday again! So…can you at least promise us that you’ll have it done by Thursday? :-/ your sense of humor and dedication to this is UNREAL & you have no idea how much I, along with 15k other people, appreciate you doing this! The ONLY reason I worked out this morning was because I could read your recap :) its THAT GREAT! But in all seriousness, you’re amazing and so funny and so nice to do this. So yes, take all the time you need…but just don’t let relaxing go for tooooo long…. :)
    Thanks for another funny ass recap! :) :)))))))

    Reply
  5. Amanda on February 13, 2012

    Girl, you take that R&R for yourself, because no matter what, or when, you post, we will read! You rock so keep up the amazeballs work!

    Reply
  6. Libby on February 13, 2012

    That Honey Boo Boo Child reference was right on. So was the Ryan Gosling one (right, why can’t he be the bachelor?) and the D.W. shot. You are hilarious. Now that I’ve picked myself off the floor from laughing so hard, I can officially get on with my Monday.

    Reply
  7. LynnT on February 13, 2012

    I hope that you’re taking some much needed time off to get FANCY with honey. Because you both deserve it. I would compare you to mother Theresa with the amount of selflessness and goodwill you have bestowed upon us all with your recapping. In two month’s time I will be traveling to Hawaii with my honey. Please let me know what you’d like me to sacrifice for you atop the active volcano. Or better yet…. I’m thinking scrapbook!!!

    Reply
  8. Casey on February 13, 2012

    OMG YES! Ben = Francine from Arthur! The resemblance is uncanny!! And while I love reading your recaps like whoa, take all the time you need! Don’t ever feel pressure to produce teh funnies.

    Reply
  9. Erin on February 13, 2012

    You give us SO much of yourself each week. Thank you for all you do! I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you to make the decision to put the recap away for a few days. What about doing a “Top 5 Moments” recap instead of an entire episode recap?

    Whatever you decide to do with your recaps, I’m here to stay as an avid and very loyal fan. xoxo

    Reply
  10. Michelle on February 13, 2012

    Another hilarious recap!! You know how I know it was so amazingly funny? I couldn’t stop laughing/”I know something you don’t know” smiling while at Barnes & Noble cafe and got the I-think-she’s-cracked-and-might-need-medical-attention look from a woman who wandered in barefoot – it’s also currently snowing where I am :)

    As someone currently in the thick of studying for the bar exam, I know what it’s like to need a break to shut your brain off and remember what your friends look like – you will honestly go crazy if you don’t (as in openly cry in the middle of the library like I have). Your blog and The Bachelor provide me that little bit of comic relief that keeps me sane, no matter when you post it. I truly love your blog and stumbled across it because of The Bachelor, but if/when I ever get married, I’ll be coming back here too.

    Reply
  11. isabelle on February 13, 2012

    Aw, I’m so glad that you took a break. You need it! After the Bachelor season is over I feel like we need to send you on a vacation … to the VagInn, perhaps?

    Reply
  12. Stacey on February 13, 2012

    Blogger/Recap Perfection. Top 5 favorites:
    1). “cry talking from a cramped position directly underneath the immoveable weight of her emotions”
    2). “testing-of-your-pass out-threshold”
    3). “overconfident coming off a recent meeting with Fox about becoming the new voice over for Marge Simpson…”
    4). Fffaagina Hotel & Resort
    5). NoShoes McSacrifice

    Thank you for making me laugh out loud every week.

    Reply
  13. Jason on February 13, 2012

    I’m truly surprised, but also blessed, that my encouragement to you after the previous blog comment to “not feel too much pressure to produce” hit you at the soul level and empowered you to ease off the pressure that your fans like me intentionally and unintentionally put on you (and the high expectations you place on yourself).

    I’d like to say that, I’m pretty much gonna use your blog to show my wifey that blog comments can actually be encouraging to others. You know, marriage points. J/K. Kinda.

    This blog is evidence of a mind that had a chance to have a bit-o-rest over the weekend. Like everyone else here, I look forward with anticipation to seeing you tweet that the new bachelor blog is up. Bravo, madame. You nailed chirsharrison’s role in masterminding this week’s drama. He’s rather like the version of god in the Truman Show. I’m just waiting for one of these ladies to wake up to the manipulation and just be themselves.

    Poor Ben – he has a hard time being vulnerable, no? He takes such offense to any hint of a girl not instantaneously being in love with him so personally. Afraid of rejection, he is.

    Our friend Ukulele – errr Blakely – playing the wrong tune. EVERY GUY IN AMERICA: We’ve got a stage 5 clinger!!!” Sad, she wants to be loved so I get it. But you can’t do that with someone whom you’ve never had a real date – let alone relationship with.

    Jamie – I had such high hopes for you. She was my early favorite – nurse who raised her siblings…c’mon, man! In real life she’s definite wife material. Too bad Ben’s stuck in the “whore” mode of the “virgin/whore complex (sounds bad but I promise that’s real psychology). Lady – I know he’s acting like a boy not a man, but engaging in “instructional behavior” will only remind him of his mommy. Instant turn off. Don’t worry though, you deserve better. You shouldn’t have to whore it up to get a man anyway. However, I must say that that whole scene made me feel about as awkward as the show “virgin diaries.” It was a train wreck that I couldn’t turn away from, but my wife hid her eyes. Pretty much how we approach any horror movie.

    Single ladies of Uhmarhica (future contestants on the bachelor) – to find a man not a boy in love & life, you pretty much just have to watch the bachelor and do the opposite of every cringe-worthy moment. Like you, real men, good men – are attracted to self-confidence. Hope y’all find that good relationship.

    Reply
  14. J.S. on February 13, 2012

    Long-time reader, first-time commenter. I just wanted to thank you for all the time + effort you put into this. It cracks me up every time! I especially love the — is that a character from ‘Arthur’? — whatever screencap. Yes, he/she/it looks exactly like he/she/it (‘Arthur’ character and ‘Ben McFlacciddick,’ respectively).

    Again, THANK YOU!!

    Reply
  15. Ilana on February 13, 2012

    First – Michelle, best of luck studying for the bar exam!

    I can’t even begin to articulate the sheer joy I felt this afternoon when I saw you had posted “part deux.” WHAT a feat of literary mockery! Again, this is not a show I actively watch, but I’m 99.97% sure it would not stand up to your lavishly eloquent recaps of forehead-slapping honesty. Keep rockin’ it! Also, I just about died reading your human-contortionist explanation of examining the scrapbook pages. Almost peed.

    Reply
  16. Rachel on February 13, 2012

    First off, kudos to Jason for making you realize there is no shame in taking time for yourself, friends and family. I dont think I’m alone here, and im saying this at the risk of sounding a little cray cray, but you have opened up yourself (not in a whorrish way :)) and your life to us and I feel like i know you..and because I feel like I know you, I feel like were friends…best friends :) which means that I care for your well being and think whenever you need time, take it. Well still be here salivating at our computers/phones waiting for that glorious tweet saying the recap is up! Chris Harrison was the puppet master of all puppet masters this week. I envision him doing an evil meniacal laugh while twiddling his fingers off camera. Poor Casey s…so pretty and sent home to douchey mcdouchenstein. Although, I think shell be pretty happy when she sees what a tool ben really is. I’m pretty sure he’s more hated than Mr. I-can’t-make-a-decision-Womack (who I fell in love with his 2nd time around). I’ve watched ever bachelor/bachelorette episode ever and if it weren’t for your blog, I probably would have quit by the 2nd episode. So thank you for giving me something to look forward too. Um, sorry that this was ridiculously and unacceptably long :/

    Reply
  17. Tanya on February 13, 2012

    I haven’t even read it yet but nearly peed myself when I saw the pic of Ben compared to the Arthur character (DW???) that a friend posted on our Bachelor group wall! (She puts your link up every week). That is HILARIOUS!!! I am going to continue to laugh about that all day, it might even help get me through tonight’s sure-to-be torturous episode ;) … Amen to Ryan Gosling! Wow, a girl can dream *sigh*.

    Reply
  18. Mek on February 13, 2012

    Once again, effin HILARIOUS!!!!!! As my daughter writes names on her valentine cards, she’s wondering what in the hell mama is reading on her iPad that has caused her to literally cry laughing! The comparison of Jamie’s scene to watching your mom practice on your dad?!?!? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Thanks for a much needed end of Monday laugh!

    Reply
  19. Tara @ Dashing in Pearls on February 13, 2012

    LOVE IT. As always. Hated waiting for it but 1) YOU DESERVED A WEEKEND OFF and 2) it was so worth it! Can’t wait for this weeks!!

    Reply
  20. Maire on February 13, 2012

    I have never ever in my entire life watched a single episode of the Bachelor. Not this season. Not any previous season. So I am confused on how the recaps get longer and longer as the season progresses. How can there be more to cover when the herd is so drastically thinned!? Shouldn’t these episodes be getting simpler?! All I can say is you are very brave to view and hash out the details of the increasingly detailed and drama filled episodes. You deserve a two week vacation for all the effort that goes in to constructing these recaps, not to mention all the other things you do. Oh and you are fabulous :)

    Reply
  21. Annalisa on February 14, 2012

    you are a genius!! :D

    Reply
  22. francine on February 14, 2012

    girlfriend, you are awesome!! please don’t ever let these recaps (or this blog, or anything, especially anything internet related) take your sanity and happiness!!! i don’t even watch the bachelor so i’ve learned everything from reading your hilarious recaps, so i personally don’t mind if it takes you longer than you’d like to do the recaps :)

    ps. that honey boo boo child reference was so unexpected and so freakin funny, it was literally the best thing about my day so far!!

    Reply
  23. Tanya on February 14, 2012

    Correction: Her name is Francine, not DW as I had thought. We have now named Ben, Benjamin Francine (doesn’t even have to change his initials) to honour his doppelgänger. And in honour of you, we voted to change the profile photo on our Bachelor group to Francine, even found a pic of her in an orange shirt! lol … Once again, thanks for the belly laughs!

    Reply
  24. Nikki on February 14, 2012

    Oh noes! I hate how much pressure you’re under. I feel pressure just post something…but yours is a work of art. We’d understand if you took some time off, or glossed over the episode. I too now watch the show and wonder what you’ll have to say about some parts. Last night my Husband talked through the whole epside though and I almost missed all of Courtney’s under the breath snark marks.

    I’ve been sending your link around! Apparently you’re the only one that noticed the Vagina Inn. I heard they are going to start an outdoor moss garden on the facade of the building as part of their sustainablity program.

    Reply
  25. El on February 14, 2012

    Oh-Em-Gee. I actually laughed out loud during these recaps… At work.. where you know, I’m supposed to work and not read ridiculously hilarious blogs. And, people came into my office mid-laugh. Let me tell you, it’s really hard to hold a normal conversation after reading Ben’s “qualities”. And yes, take care of yourself! If you’re getting burnt out, these posts are going to be affected. Plus, Honey needs some of your loving too! Please keep the recaps going. I know it makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork whenever I watch the show, but it’s so worth it to read your comments after. And CHRISHARRISON has outdone himself in the art of simultaneously throwing someone under the bus, while making them turn to him.

    Reply
  26. Chelsea on February 14, 2012

    Your recaps are the BEST. on a scale of 1 to wonderful, they are SO worth the wait. I too am wanting to stop watching the show, but I find myself wanting to read your recap each week so I have to keep watching. Thank you!

    Reply
  27. Lena on February 14, 2012

    Holy Mother of Jesus. Which, by the way, you must be, since this could only have been produced by one touched by the Gods. I don’t even have the words anymore, except to tell you that there is nothing on Earth that makes me feel like your recaps do. For better or worse.

    Reply
  28. M on February 15, 2012

    You’re the best. Ever. And don’t make us any promises about deadlines or crap like that like someone asked above. You go above and beyond, and we will read it no matter when you post. You’re doing us a service and truly the only reason I am still watching this season is because of your blogs. Ben sucks, I’m glad we agree. I literally spewed my diet mountain dew all over my computer screen with the Francine pic.

    Reply
  29. Ed on February 15, 2012

    Your screen snaps are great – 1. when jamie mounts our hero 2. that dog with his tongue mocking mr. wonderful.

    Great stuff – need to laugh – thanks

    Reply
  30. Nicole on February 15, 2012

    on a scale of one to wonderful your recaps are amazing and you can take all the time you need girlfriend! i dvr the show and don’t even watch it until tuesday or wednesday so don’t you worry about posting so fast, you’ve got the honey and a precious puppy to play with :)

    in other news, i love your comments and the comparison of ben with the character (can’t think of the name right now) is LOL material. seriously perfect. his hair needs some work fo sho.

    you rock! thanks for the laughs :)

    Reply
  31. Nicole on February 15, 2012

    oh yes and i agree with Ed … the tongue screen shot was out. of. control. gag me with a spoon.

    Reply
  32. Megan on March 20, 2012

    I started laughing so hard when I got down to the pic of the monkey character from what show was that?! that my hubby had to come running into the room to see if I was ok. Then he laughed as well and said- he DOES look just like that.

    You are such a fabulous writer! You should write screenplays.

    I too am mad for Ryan G and wished I’d had the line my Canuck hubby later gave me after I ran into him on the street- happy canada day (which it was.) Christ!!

    Rest is essential to continue to produce such comedic genius. :D Thanks, Allison!

    Reply

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