Hello and welcome to your early Monday morning edition of The Bachelor Recap of Episode 6, Part 2. Yeah, this is happening. I know, right? I can’t believe it either.
Ok. I want to start off with a couple of important notes/corrections regarding your Episode 6 recap, in order from least to MOST important.
1) At one point, I referred to the VagInn last Friday as a “vagina-shaped penis.” I have since realized that this is an erroneous description. The VagInn is in fact more of a “penis-shaped vagina,” since you’ll note that it is a long, narrow, erect edifice, with labia built into the structure and a facade the color of flesh. It is CLEARLY at its base a phallus, the vaginal aspect being simply an architectural nuance after the builders already had the concept and financial backing in place. The labia were possibly even a demand from the investors, after the physical foundation had been laid. So, I would like to apologize for that error.
2) This one is the important one. On a rare serious note in these recaps – and I promise I’ll get to the rest of this recap shortly; I just feel like I need to explain this pretty big issue to you guys first…
Among all of your kinder than mothereffing kind comments – seriously, thank you for those, your comments were freaking KIND, y’all – on the last post, I happened to be very, very effected by one line in particular from an individual named Jason, who closed his comment with a particularly relevant assertion that had a serious and lasting impact on me, and is in fact the reason I decided to take a brief break over a portion of the weekend from finishing Part 2 of this two-parter. His statement: “Don’t feel too much pressure to “produce” or you’ll get overwhelmed. Keep being your honest and funny self.”
Jason’s words reached into my soul, shook it, and then reminded me that while producing fun content for your readers is important, it’s also, if not more so, important for me to chill out somewhere that’s not in front of a tv screen and a computer, and not force myself to work through the night and all Saturday to make sure I produce something in a short enough time period for the internet to be happy with me. I always have major fun with you guys recapping, it’s been a delight, but it’s also time-consuming, and in this past week my schedule was so full of non-Bachelor-related stuff, too, that finishing this recap became much more of a burden than an enjoyable project for me. I was dreading finishing. Seriously dreading it. Not whether or not I could produce it, but whether or not I could devote the sheer time it takes me to put out something I feel good about without going clinically insane from the intense sustained focus and lack of sleep that results from having a fuller than full week. There’s a time and a place for all things, and even I have to take some me-time to recharge the ol’ blogging batteries. And that means not spending hours with the show on pause to make sure I blood-let my brain sufficiently of all of its mockelets. I need to keep some of those mock– platelets para mí, so I can survive through to the next round. I truly, truly, truly hope that you all feel me, and that you understand where I’m coming from and that you’re down with the R&R I took for myself over the weekend. Taking the weekend for me and my wee family is what keeps me sane, and *sanity* is the only difference between me and these women on this season of The Bachelor. Once that goes… well I don’t even wanna think about that.
Anyway, so… Bygones? I hope so. The other thing I hope is that this recap part 2 is at all funny. Like, at all. Honestly I can’t even tell anymore. At this point I feel like I’ve lived the show, that I’m a character within the plot and that I no longer exist outside of reality television. That is a scary place to be, and believe me, I have already cried once this weekend.
IT IS NOW TIME TO GET THE PARTY STARTED. YOUR PART 2, MY FRIENDS WHO HOPEFULLY HAVEN’T TURNED TO ENEMIES NOW, IS READY……….
DURING EATS WITH THE MINIBEVY, BEN REQUESTS THAT RACHEL JOIN HIM FIRST, TO TALK PRIVATELY
Knowing the order of events with regard to a typical end of show proposal and how typically it’s the first person with whom he speaks who ends up getting sent home, Blakeley sees this whole being left behind thing as a win, and she is glowing, shimmering even, with delight.
Upon closer inspection we realize it’s just some reflective gold shimmer leftover from a recent *performance*. But upon even closer inspection, we realize that that was very mean to say, and so instead, her cheeks are most likely shimmering from the gold dust she was gluing onto her “Belize” page. If you don’t watch the show but read the recaps, then you don’t know what this means yet but you will in a few, and you will go, “ohhh ha, ok. aright I guess that’s funnyish.” And I will agree with you, because they can’t all be winners.
Once safely inside the Scrapbooking Room, they begin to discuss how the date went and whether their relationship is developing faster than the one he has with Blakeley. By “developing” he means “are you gonna dance up on me the way Blakeley does, because I think dancing up on me is a good indicator of whether or not we’d be able to rise to challenges in our marriage down the road. He goes on to say “and Rachel, by “rise,” I mean face those HARD challenges HEAD on. And by HARD and HEAD on, I mean– Rachel you should be getting what I’m saying by now. Jump up on it now, quick; before I send you home in a couple of weeks as has been schedul–no, I mean WHAT? WHO’S GOING HOME? NOT YOU! Aright, look down… Little Ben-icio Del Torro is ready for you now because lying to women turns me on.
Rachel tells Ben that she wholeheartedly likes him and wants to be here…
RACHEL: “There’s something great here, and I think it can be so much greater than it is.”
AND THEN BEN SAYS, and I quote: “ay yai yai yai yai.” … while looking up and away in one of the least overtly offensive eye rolls I’ve personally ever seen executed in my adult life. I couldn’t have done it myself. He is truly a master at inauthenticity. He is also a master at getting me to go “EWWWW!” —
NOW IS THE PART WHEN BEN TAKES BLAKELY OFF TO
F**K PRIVATELY TALK PRIVATELY
BLAKELEY, to Ben: “For the first time, I just feel– I just really FEEEEEEL something.” ”See I just got these boobies last year but for some reason it’s taken like for EVER for the swelling and nerve-damage to go down. Anyway, they’re finally ready for handling– y’wanna touch ‘em? It’s ok, I don’t even feel like they’re MINE anymore. I’m just like, go ahead, everyone can enjoy them now! Hahahahaahahahah TOUCH THEM, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.”
BEN: “Yeah, you’ve changed, and you’re a bit different, and more open, and I noticed those things…”
HONEY: ”… and I did NOT like what I saw.”
Honey has this annoying habit of often finishing Ben’s sentences with the truth.
BLAKELEY, now cry-talking from a cramped position directly underneath the immovable weight of her emotions regardless of whether they are good or bad, says: “EVERYWHERE I’VE GONE… I ALWAYS TRY TO PICTURE IT JUST ME AND YOU… AND…. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU BEFORE I EVEN GET TO KNOW YOU….” so yeah I’m just gonna go ahead and start doing that thing that I do that makes that a consistent self-fulfilling prophecy in my life.
At this point I am immediately overcome and I say “there is a scrapbook here. There is a scrapbook HEEEERRRE, it is CLOSE, and IT’S GONNA HAPPEN.” Kristen Bell has a similar ability when sloths are near. With me it’s whenever a girl is about to frighten a guy into breaking up with her on the spot.
I hope you were watching this scene closely, friends, because this was one of those rare times in nature when we can actually pinpoint with undeniable precision the exact moment when a relationship turns to over. What confuses me is that the VIP waitress thing was WORKING for her. He likes VIP cocktail waitress Blakeley. So why she would switch gears into obsessive crafter/stalker Blakely just doesn’t make any sense to me. My head is spinning.
When I pause the scrapbook scene to take a picture, Honey notices something, and it is right here Honey really proves what a necessity he is during these viewings. He is my eyes, when I cannot see. And since I’m blacking out fairly frequently he is my eyes often.
HONEY: “wait… are those things adjectives describing Ben? See there, around his name.”
This is where the show gets paused for a considerable amount of time because this is when I go up to the screen to inspect his claim, see that it’s true, and start reading off the adjectives out loud. Being that they are written all around Ben’s name at playful angles, I have to twist my body and my neck/head quite a ways around to catch the ones that are legible, and this causes me to have to contort so severely, that I end up in a sort of arms-hugging-my-shins, head-almost-between-my-knees upright fetal position, and I’m also laughing hysterically at this point, which is an awkward and very ‘testing-of-your-pass-out-threshold’ kind of thing to do. I don’t recommend it if you’re not 19 anymore. Anyway so I’m still reading off the adjectives and at this point I’m laughing even harder now only because Honey is ALSO laughing hysterically at the whole situation of the scrap book and so ultimately, and as you should have anticipated, we both simultaneously blacked out from what we now know was a near-lethal cocktail of laughter, unnatural body contortions, and unforeseen sadness-by-proxy.
BLAKELEY OPENS TO THE FIRST PAGE OF HER SCRAPBOOK (<— is this… this is really happening?)
She then says… AND I QUOTE… : “This is me *seeing myself* with you in San Francisco. Like, when I was there I LITERALLY put myself in that position.” Ben’s hoping his expression is saying this:
But anybody other than Blakeley can tell that what’s is really saying is “at this point I’m actually not so sure I will get out of this alive.”
I would like to comment that it’s just amazing to me that there are women out there who are actually doing and saying these things. First Rule of Date Club is you don’t make him a scrapbook. Second rule: if you couldn’t help yourself and you went ahead and made that scrapbook we told you not to make, for chrissake don’t f**king SHOW HIM THE THING. Third rule: did you show it to him? You’re out of Date Club. You don’t get to date people anymore.
BLAKELEY: “This is less of a dream, and more of a reality for me.”
BEN: “Wow this is… this is ongoing… I mean THIS IS GREAT!” - you guys these are pretty much direct quotes.
Here’s how I could have summed up this whole date using what I learned in that math logic class I hated in college. Here goes: If Blakeley shows Ben a scrapbook of their experiences together up until this point, and Ben isn’t a six-year-old other girl in her Brownie troupe, then Ben picks Rachel.
When Ben gives Rachel the rose, Blakeley almost immediately blacks out from her sadness and then sleepwalks out of the restaurant hoping to escape any continued sadness potential. Best thing she could have done, in my opinion. Just GTFO of there, stat. But she’s obviously forgotten who she’s dealing with; Ben doesn’t let you off the hook so quickly. He is in Panama as a missionary, having given his life for the greater cause of Ending Things Badly.
BEN: “Blakely, could you just– Blak–Blakely, could–could you slow down… could you just….. could you just go with the flow? GOD I appreciate it when women do that, instead of have emotions. I can’t risk being with a woman who has convictions that could get in the way of her devotion to me and little 3 inch Ben-icio WAIT WHAT, I MEAN WHAT, I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING, WHAT, WHO WHAT? HAHAHAHAH JUST KIDDING HEY LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT NOTHING’S WRONG WITH MY PEEN. Oh FYI Blakeley, the heli’s for me and Rach; that Razor scooter over there’s for you. Yeah– the one that stray cat is peeing on. Don’t forget to plug Razor scooters in your outro; thanks! Oh and also don’t let anyone film you dancing erotically while thrusting yourself into his body cavity once you leave the show.”
TOO LATE. (It exists, but I’m not mean enough to link to that video; sorries.)
This whole departure scene between Ben and Blakeley all sounds eerily familiar to the way it went down between Ben and Ashley last season after she rejected his proposal, if I remember correctly. And I am reminded of how I just really, really love Ben’s commitment to being a 24/7 hypocrite. He’s truly devoted to holding up the tenets of hypocrisy, and commitment in any form is an admirable trait. It’s like he’s like, if you’re gonna call me a hypocrite, I wanna at least be guilty of it, at all times.” And after he says that to me, he then says “Chrisharrison, remove her from my sight.” And Chrisharrison goes “yesss, sire,” asks me to remove my shoes and “put on this romper,” puts his hand on the small of my back, and then escorts me to a courtyard where a helicopter is waiting for me to cry inside of it.
IF YOU WEREN’T SURE OF WHO GOT THE ROSE ON THAT DATE…
Overconfident coming off of a recent meeting with Fox about becoming the new voiceover talent behind cartoon characters Marge Simpson and her sisters, Rachel coughs out some of the bitchiest words possible regarding Blakeley’s departure, and in doing so she forcibly lays to rest any residual misgivings I still had from the beginning about the quality of her character.
As we feel a commercial coming on, the teasers continue, horribly, painfully, ever so redundantly… possibly even at internet-meme-generating-level, and we start seriously worrying about / getting really excited to find out about / feeling sort of bad for getting really excited to find out about what’s gone so wrong in Casey S’s life.
COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK
We return from commercial to an image of the Fffaagina Hotel & Resort and we notice a “TV PG L (for Language)” emblem in the upper left hand corner. ABC are you warning viewers of the inappropriate language that the mere IMAGE of this hotel is SPEAKING to them, just through the sheer orificeness of its appearance? Ohhh YOU’RE GOOD. YOU’RE GOOD. Well done. Babies’ tushies and phallina hotels get warning signs or blocked. But not those second-peens sprouting from the rectums of cavemen. ABC, is this a National Geographic kind of rule in play? Like, because Ben is a relic from the Paleolithic era, and therefore you don’t see him as fully human/needing to be blurred? Y0u know– in the same way that National Geographic doesn’t see tribal women as inherently human, and therefore does not mind sharing their breasteses on their front covers? Is there like, a memo I can take a look at, that describes in detail what you are and are not to bleep/block/warn of? I’d be very interested to have that information. I feel it holds many answers.
THE GIRLS SEE BLAKELEY’S LUGGAGE GO BYE BYE
Jamie is talking now and, like most, I have at this point received so much of her voice that I’ve actually developed what is typically understood to be the male-specific trait of effectively blocking out the sound of a woman’s voice when she is speaking directly to him. In fact, when Honey saw me heading towards any scene involving her he immediately got up and went to take care of something. Once it was a shower. Another time it was to walk Bambino. Another time he just hid behind the linen closet door asking, “is it over yet?”
Heh. You think I’m kidding. I’m not kidding.
Interestingly enough, the only way for men to be snapped out of that aforementioned voice-block is for a woman either to say “did you hear me?” or “whatever, forget it.” These two phrases are coded into the trait as raising alarm, that something has gone wrong and the male must make a sound in order for everything to return to normal/not become *a situation*. The More You Know. #rainbowgraphic
ENTER CHRISHARRISONFACE. TOTALLY NATURALLY OUT OF NOWHERE.
CHRISHARRISONFACE: (awkwardly because he knows in his heart that it’s wrong) “Hey… hey, guys, HOW’S PANAMA?? Good? Yeah? Has it–it’s been a good week? CASEY I NEED YOU. BAREFOOT. ROMPER. NOW.” Or maybe some other, better joke instead of that weak reference to So I Married An Axe Murderer that probably fell flat since it was so, so weak, until of course I explained it, therefore ruining it in the process. Ah, jokes!
Chrisharrison is escorting Casey S down the hallway when Casey, WEIRDEDTHEF**KOUT, asks, “where are we going?” But she doesn’t know that he can’t explain anything to her yet, since he’s been instructed to take the girl to a location where everyone including that behbeh monkeh and mommeh monkeh can eavesdrop from the trees. So instead of answering, he applies his hand to her lower back at which point she says
hahah no I wish she had said that. What happened instead is that she stared blankly into the far, far off distance. Aka, business as usual.
When the two find a place outside to talk, where everyone can see them, he is ready to explain. His front hair now almost completely enveloping his face at this point, Chris decides to pull some tactics from his night gig as a bad seed NYPD riot cop who is much less interested in excuses and much more interested in Executing The Plan Handed Down From The Top, and proceeds to shovel the below *piece de resistance* into her face since she gave him a little attitude back there. And also because the show’s moving a little slowly so they needed to up the drama with a contrived twist and WHO CARES IF SOMEBODY GETS EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED FOR LIFE, THIS IS TELEVISION. TELEVISION! It’s bigger than all of us!
CASEY: “…well, he’s my EX-boyfriend, my EX.”
CHRISHARRISON: “Yeah– yeah ok CASEY it really doesn’t matter this thing is already in play so just STFU.” And then he goes on to tell her that this saint of an ex-boyfriend of hers told him that they’re still in a relationship. And I immediately side with the ex-boyfriend. Because if the not-famous-and-not-on-television-right-now-ex-boyfriend says it’s true, IT MUST MEAN IT’S TRUE. If you’re gonna rely on ANYONE for the truth of a situation you gotta go with the prick ex-boyfriend right? You gotta go with the guy who doesn’t care for her in the long-term but enjoys a little mind control when the incessant masturbation I’m assuming he prefers starts to rub things a little raw.
HONEY SAYS: “Whoever her ex-boyfriend is, he is A COMPLETE ASSHOLE, who doesn’t want to marry her, but wants to f**k up any shot she has of finding love with someone else.”
I agree with Honey, and it’s very sad. First Lindzi, then Courtney, and now Casey with the exceptionally unfortunate relationship histories. Forget Bachelor Pad; I feel ABC needs to get some kind of Bachelor Group Therapy show in R&D. I think I’d watch that. Like, willingly. (By “R&D” I mean Rent another mansion and Dump these girls inside with Dr. Drew Pinsky… or me. And I’d like to get that Honey Boo Boo Child in the mix, too. I feel she’s probably at about the same point in emotional development as a few of these women so might as well kill two birds, y’know?)
So Casey and Chrisharrison talk this thing out, and here’s exactly how it goes:
CHRISHARRISON: LISTEN, YOU’RE STILL IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL. ARIGHT??!!!! YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL BUT YOU ARE, OKKKKK? Aright good it’s settled let’s go talk to Ben. … No, yeah that’s right I’m coming. No… no that won’t make it weird. No, why would– listen I’m coming that’s not a variable here, just let’s GO.
In that scene we find that Chrisharrison’s attempt to play the role of bully cop to Casey’s innocent-child-who-was-upstairs-sleeping-when-the-murder-took-place goes off without a hitch. In fact…
YOU COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT BETTER IF IT HAD BEEN SCRIPTED THAT WAY, ABC.
THE SCENE WHERE CASEY’S BRAINWASHING MANIFESTS INTO HER SELF-DISMISSAL
So Chrisharrison and NoShoes McSacrifice arrive at Ben’s room, and it’s clear that Ben had no prior notice of this happening because his hair is just COMPLETELY out of hand. Just COMPLETELY. But, already in front of the cameras, Ben sighs and decides to do nothing about it for the rest of this season as well as retroactively via time travel. Because screw it, now everyone’s seen it THIS way, what’s the point, right? AND THAT’S HOW IT HAPPENS.
Casey S begins, WITHOUT PRODDING, to tell the story of how I kind of maybe but probably not but I mean still possibly so I should mention it at least, have some residual feelings for a dbag who has only the worst intentions and won’t actually marry me ever. And she apologizes for all of this. And is near tears. And, through her about-to-be-tear-covered face, Casey tells Ben some of the saddest, saddest, SADD. EST. stuff, all the while like I said, apologizing for it all, but also trying to figure what the hell she’s been forced into doing here because WTF, why am I being forced to leave a show I really want to be on, with a guy I like, just because my ex boyfriend crapped out a lie about us still hanging out together???!!!
If you want to know what sparked that quarter-life-crisis I am right here right now predicting that she is going to have within the year, it is this moment in this show. Contact me for the over-under. I have no idea what I’m talking about I’ve just always wanted to say “the over-under.”
Absorbing all of Casey’s words, Aretha Ben Franklin does everything we have come to expect of him at this point. He’s really good at helping us solidify our distaste for him. He leaves nothing to chance.
BEN: “I don’t sugar coat things, and, I think that you should go home.” Casey agrees with him verbally, and then Ben goes “OH THAT WAS MORE OF A DECLARATION THAN A REQUEST FOR OPINION.” And then asks Chrisharrison to escort her out by giving him the sign they arranged earlier in the show. Here’s the sign:
Did you see it? The sign is whenever he gives the face of a petulant child. Chrisharrison has been trying to get him to change their sign though because he seems to give off that face more often than he realizes, and it’s been very confusing for Chrisharrison.
Chrisharrison soon realizes what he has to do, and he proceeds to assist Casey S out of the room and into the best exciting twist Chrisharrison, himself, has ever pulled off in the history of the show. He’s starting to write for them now, and his first contributed scene, which he both starred in AND directed, couldn’t have gone better. I feel an award nomination coming on you guy– OH F**K THAT’S RIGHT IT’S A SECRET, THE SCRIPTING’S A SECRET.
On the way to the van-of-cries-and-rapid-departures, Casey needs some consoling, and guess who’s there to give it.
This episode will go down in history as the most elaborate plan ever hatched in order to get a pretty girl to want to hug you. Somebody’s got some elaborate fetishes, you guys. E-LABorate. I know the easy accessibility of porn these days has upped the ante for a lot of people as far as what gets their goat, but this is pretty elaborate, my friend. Was the reality show factor part of the fantasy? Or was it just a means to an end? Chrisharrison don’t answer that.
CUT TO: Chrisharrison returning to the rapidly-dwindling bevy’s room immediately after shoving the Barefoot Contesstant into a van, before which she could not pass go, and could not collect goodbyes. She was shoved out the door, ruthlessly and to be honest I’m actually slightly worried about her and her mental well-being after being at the center of this *exciting twist*.
AND NOW, IT’S TIME TO GET FANCY, WITH YOUR HOST, JAMIE.
Upon the second viewing of this scene in the past two days, when Honey saw her face, and he realized what scene I was on, he ran out of the room saying “no. NO. NO.” (I don’t make this stuff up.)
I, too, wanted to run out of the room and maybe have sex, or eat dinner again, or go grocery shopping, or hang out with friends, or cook, or hang out with Bambino, or play Scrabble with Honey and maybe win this time… anything but watch this scene AGAIN. I feel like I could recite this show to you, from any point in the show, and any character’s line in that scene. That is my reality now. I am not proud of this in the least; I am simply stating facts here, facts that haunt me and lead to many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering how I ever arrived at the gates of such an Earthly Hell but I digress.
JAMIE SAYS “I will be aggressive.” And we’re off.
She tells him, “I feel as if I haven’t even really shown how much I like you. I’m sorrrry for that!”
Ok. Here’s the thing. There was approximately A LOT of talking, and instructing, and movement, and awkwardness that unfolded in this scene where Jamie decides to take things into her own hands. I can’t BEEEAAARRR to rehash all of it since I am now literally into the wee hours on Monday morning and I HAVE to go to sleep so that I can wake up at an appropriate time for a business woman. Ok, here we go with the big finish…
JAMIE: “When I go to bed at night, I think about you often, and I think about the things I would like to do with you.”
JAMIE: “Yeah.” ”I had really big plans. Want me to show you?”
BEN: (in his mind) “no, not really.”
JAMIE: “Ben, I have a really big surprise for you…”
(And I’m like OH NO WHAT’S THE SURPRISE WHY IS SHE OPENING HER LEGS FOR THIS SURPRISE…)
And then Jamie embraces him and Ben has to move out of the way of her hair, but what you don’t see is that Jamie, too, has to move around Ben’s hair because he is also a girl.
She then begins a two-hour graduate level course lecture on Modern Day Flirting but instead of it being sexy or informative in any way it’s more like your Mom is teaching you how to be sexy but she’s showing you on your Dad, and you’re trying to take her seriously because you know how much it means to her to teach you but it’s all you can do not to end up in a fetal position on the floor shouting incoherently and just hoping it will all be over soon. But then it takes up an entire segment of the show and for the first time in your life you’re begging for a Leap List commercial.
But it never comes. All that comes is:
JAMIE: “And then I was gonna be like, ohh, can I sit on your lap?”
JAMIE: “And then I was gonna make out with you.”
BEN: You went from zero to 60!
JAMIE: “oh that was more like 50. That was 50.”
BEN: 50? OMIGOD.
JAMIE: “Open mouth? Closed mouth?”
JAMIE: “First we’ll open. Then we’re gonna close.”
BEN: I don’t know how this is gonna go.
JAMIE: “No we’re gonna plaaaaannnnn it, it’ll go fine!”
JAMIE: I really wanted to have a great kiss with him and I TOLD HIM THAT.” - see, the fact that Jamie is NOT saying that to us with personal disgust after some self-reflection, but is, instead, sharing that statement and fully believing in it having been the best approach to this situation, and that therefore the outcome was baffling to her…. well…. Ben, send her home.
ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE
BEHBEH WHITTLES and Rachel go into this with roses. After talking gibberish, Ben proceeds to pass out roses a-like a-so:
Nicki. – “yes thank you.”
Courtney – (runs over, says…) “I shalll.”
Then, for a moment, Ben mentally reconsiders the decision he’s been told to make regarding who is going to receive this final rose… but, looking out of the corner of his eye and catching the eye of a producer…
He is stare-forced into staying on plan. Honestly, I wish the producers would guide him MORE. This guy is a newborn baby on a scale of one to emotionally developed.
In her exit interview, Jamie says: “I’ve never met a guy like him.”
NEITHER HAVE WE, SWEET CHILD O’ MINE. NEITHER. HAVE. WE.
ARIGHT, OFF TO BELIZE!
But first, a little story about a wine maker named Ben. Take it away Emily with the best line of the night… oh and for the record, you’re doing it right.
“And when the local music plays we’ll dance ‘tiiil we’re dizzy, Don’t worry about your hair mine also gets kiiiind of frizzy.”
That was my favorite line.
It was NOT Ben’s favorite line.
(Ben doesn’t like “the truth.” It chaffes him… down there. Especially in humid climates, so he’s been trying especially hard to avoid it throughout this whole season, understandably.)
On a final note, this rap means that Emily is the greatest catch in the history of catches. She just, maybe, isn’t the choosiest. That, my friends, is her Achilles’ Heel.
At the very end of the show, TiVo prompted me either to delete The Bachelor, save The Bachelor, or watch an African Village get its first well. I chose the well. It cleansed me.
LESSONS: What did we learn today, friends? Well, for one, we learned that…….. oh right hahah! We again learned nothing. Thanks, reality television, for always enriching our lives!
I AM SPENT. I WANNA HEAR YOU TALK AT ME NOW, AS PER USUAL. Reactions to the show/the recap? Thoughts? Ramblings? I’d love to hear what you’re thinking. I mean, as long as it’s not anything like “you b!tch, I don’t believe in you taking part of the weekend off from writing content for me; recharging your batteries is horses**t.” OMG if someone says that I will DIE. Sigh. I’m sorry, I’m just so tired. At this point I need to go lay in bed and be a mute for the next eight hours so that I can be talkative for the next full week.
Thanks for being such amazeballs readers. This is gonna sound like I’m kissing tushies, but I’m not, I’m just doing something stupid, it’s called being genuine, and it gets a little sappy sounding but WHATEVER SO WHAT WHO CARES. Yeah, so I wanna mention something I haven’t, which is that I do read and cherish every single comment you guys leave, and man oh man oh man. You guys, you’re the best. You say the coolest things. It’s pretty much what keeps me loving this whole ridiculous process week after week. I wanted you to know how much YOU mean to ME, since you guys have been really like beyond the coolest about sharing how YOU feel.
On a scale of one to wonderful, y’alls turn that s**t up to ELEVEN. Aright I’m ready to stop talking now.
– Seacrest out
Other recaps from this season:
Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps