Oh My Dad, you guys. It’s Saturday morning and wuh-BAM, your Bachelor recap is here to greet you. This episode, they call it “episode 7,” had all the trappings of any typically amazing episode of The Bachelor, amirite or am I very, very wrong? Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna jump right in, because prefaces are for the thorough and I’m trying to break that habit so that I don’t die before my time. Which is a little bit more down the road but still in 2012 with all of you at the end of this year, since shows like this one are a sure sign that the apocalypse is arriving on schedule.
FIRST AN UPDATE IN WHICH I ADDRESS THE WPPI GIVEAWAY, WPPI AS A WHOLE, CONFUSE HALF OF MY READERS WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT A “WPPI” IS, AND PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS
I was just lying about jumping right in, back there. Sorry. Ok, so… I will say here that my only regret re: the WPPI conference is that Bambino McPuppsington III, Esq. isn’t small or human enough, to bring along. For you guys’ sake, I mean. Me, I’m like Bambino SCHMAMSHMEENO, let’s get this party started right WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE!!
But in true news, ya’boy Alison will be in Vegas for this thing from February 19th thru the 22nd, and please, given the fact that I’ll be celebrating my birthday there, I’d like to ask the paparazzi to keep their distance of at least a 2 mile radius away from me and my friendlies. Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes to be left alone during this trip.
So, if you are also attending WPPI and you see me and you also see that there isn’t anybody who looks remotely interested in taking my picture for the gossip magazines, that will be because I asked them in advance to stay back and respect my privacy and NOT AT ALL because of the fact that they have no interest in documenting my life in any way.
Ok, listen up: this weekend I will be contacting the lucky winner of those WPPI Prohibition Rebellion party tickets (woot woot, innnn the boot!) AND I will ALSO be traveling the get-into-one-plane, fly-into-out-of-way-location, wait-an-unnecessarily-long-period-of-time-to-get-up-and-collect-my-belongings-from-the-overhead-bin, wait-an-unnecessarily-lengthy-period-of-time-for-the-human-centipede-traffic-jam-to-unhinge-and-allow-movement, step-off-of-plane, buy-a-magazine, not-read-it, sit-on-the-floor-plugged-into-one-of-seven-available-outlets-throughout-the-airport’s-2000-acres, wait-45-minutes, board-next-plane, fly-out-of-out-of-way-location, LAND-IN-VEGAS-BABY, do-all-of-that-other-stuff-from-the-last-leg-that-reduces-the-excitement-of-the-trip-considerably EIGHT HOUR JOURNEY TO WPPI IN VEGAS, BABY! Ooohhh I’m so pumped I feel hungover just thinking about it.
OK NOW: ENGAGE BACHELOR RECAP… RECAP ENGAGED… YOU PASS OUT FROM AWESOME
So we see the description of the show reads: “While in Belize, Ben takes the bachelorettes on dates that include diving with sharks…” and we can draw the conclusion right away that somebody told the producers her fears again. It’s a simple tactic NOT to do that. You very simply *don’t write down your fears on the sign up form*. I don’t understand why these girls aren’t putting down “intense phobia of falling out of infinity edge pools while having the underwater sex,” or “acute fear of scenic vistas when eating sushi off of the star of ‘Drive’ the movie,” or “dreads rooms where five or more puppies are present” as their Greatest Fear answers. Have they seriously not learned from all previous seasons of this show? I just–whatever. I have to accept that they’re never going to get this part.
We set down in Belize and Ben let’s us know that the feelings, the ones of love, they are there. Here, I’ll just let him say it; “the feelings of love are there; I’m not ready to tell anyone yet, but… when the time is right.” What happened there is that when Ben taped that, the producers hadn’t yet figured out who he is supposed to like yet, but taping schedules are taping schedules!
WE SEE THE BEVY, NOW BFFS
They arrive at their new digs, and HOLY BALLS, Y’ALLS. This, is a PAD. Nothing like that linen closet they stayed in, two episodes ago. THIS IS LIVING, if *living* to you is competing for fake love amongst sadness and hair extensions BUT IN A NICE PAD. (That is living to me.)
Chrisharrison spelonks off the roof and into their lives, and lets them know that “Ben is very hopeful that he will get down on one knee and propose to one of you.”
He’s convinced it’s unlikely, but he’s hopeful, nonetheless.
Chrisharrison goes on to say these things here:
Things are gonna be a little different. Three intimate one on one dates, one group date. This week is about you spending as much quality time with Ben as possible. There will be a rose up for grabs, however, on the group date. That lady will be safe for the rose ceremony, and guaranteed to take Ben to meet your family.
Chrisharrison did not, even once, say “as you already know” while explaining the rules this time, because to these ladies, that up there was the brainpower equivalent of taking the SATs for the second time and orally.
ONE ON ONE: BEN + LINDZI
Having ignored my instructions not to share her worst fear with the
writers I MEAN WHAT WRITERS??! WHO SAID THAT?… Lindzi tells us she’s terribly afraid of heights, while we watch her sitting comfortably on the edge of a doorless helicopter while smiling authentically.
So, maybe she fooled everyone, on second thought. Anyway, this escapes her mouth:
They jump from the heli into a water crater, and I immediately decide we have to vacation in Belize. I assume they are a nation of helicopter transport? because at this point in the season I have come to expect helicopter transport in all of my bathing-suit-related activities.
BEN: “To be able to overcome that fear together, I feel like….”
DON’T SAY IT. DON’T RELATE IT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. DON’T YOU DO IT. DON’T YOU DARE DO IT.
BEN: “…. was an incredible feeling.”
Phew. Ok, we’re good, we’re ok. We’re still ok and we’re thirteen minutes in; this is probably a new record. That was a normal assessment of a shared experience between two people who know nothing substantial about one another and have an *emotional connection* that’s equivalent in strength to that of a Trollinger wine from Wttemberg or a Riesling Kabinett if you prefer white.
… That one was for you, Ben.
But as I was saying; it is important to remember that all of these people on this show this season, all of them, have little more in common with Ben ‘Bear-Who-Walks-With-Father’ than relatively agreeable pheromones, and are instead working off of unsafe levels of sustained adrenaline production as they hyperbole their way through what is the Amazing Race version of a real world speed-date.
Ben’s hair would go on to say, “… but that’s only because the face part of the head is at least 50% covered and the wind is blowing at a considerable speed, creating enough force to counteract the eight ounces of hair clay and single handful of arrogance-stimulated *excitement* lotion he rubbed into me for extra hold earlier this morning before we left.”
Ohhh boy oh boy. Oh Alison. Ohh goodness Alison what am I gonna do with you.
COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL
Oh, and also, Lindzi said this —-
LINDZI: “Today I literally fell for Ben… out of a helicopter….. BUT, I’m also FALLING for Ben.”
—- somewhere near the end but I’d like us just to move past it kind of quickly before it starts to affect me.
ok, NOW…. COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL
Ok so we return to Lindzi and Ben’s one-on-one and I can’t help but think to myself that….
… Tim Allen really has aged considerably, and how disheartening that is. Has it been that long since Home Improvement was putting out fresh episodes? And then I realize that they were taping that show during a time when Pamela Anderson was considered a babe/marriage material. Why does this show work so hard at making me feel less like one of the youthful contestants and more like the village elder carrying that colorful sack earlier in the show back to her village as the embodiment of excessive wealth in the form of a winemaking caveman crossed her path on his way back from picking up groceries with BEHBEH and walked into the gated community of *One Full Side Of The Nation Of Belize*.
BACK IN BEVYLAND, WHERE THE NUMBERRRS ARRE DWIIIIINDLING
At some point in here, Courtney acts a fool as usual and the girls have reactions as usual.
BEHBEHKINS McLITTLES tells the lens of a camera: “Courtney sucks. I’m like, what do you think WE’RE all in??” referring to a statement made by Courtney about her relationship with Ben to the exclusion of all the rest. Or something, I’m not sure. Honestly I don’t remember because I don’t care. So I’m just assuming. Anyway she’s PRETTY MAD.
What she actually says, later in the show, is far more inappropriate, but I didn’t raise ma BEHBEH to be a cussin’ like a country boy so we’re gonna make believe it didn’t happen.
Date card est arrivé.
She announces that Emily is the lucky winner of the next one-on-one with Ben and I go: “wait–I didn’t see her pa–did you pack yet, Emily? Make sure you do a full room sweep and pack up everything, before you leave to go on the date. I’m just telling you it’s much more demoralizing when you have to wait until you get back from being dumped to go pack, cuz then it’s like, you’re paaacking, and you’re cryyying, and it’s all these emotions going through your body, and now you’re packing through your tears and it’s just like– it’s no fun to go through.”
I mean, she HAS to be going home, right? I don’t see her getting out of this any other way than by dingy. Though I do hope she makes a run for the helicopter, so that Ben actually has to go and, in his words, “commingle with the locals;” something he’s been telling everyone he’s trying to avoid for the duration of his stay in Belize. Having been wealthy all his life, Ben has some very real emotional issues that can for the most part be traced back to his deep fear of getting too close to ‘the have-nots.‘
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE ONE-ON-ONE
Lindzi says, “Ben was really sexy driving me through the BLAAACCK, starlit water.” And I start to recall something about those being Natalie Woods’ last words.
Lindzi makesenz zee faces as per usual, and Ben mocks them by duplicating them in kind.
Then they do this thing where they stop eating and, drunk, they grab a napkin and collaborate for a few minutes on writing a brief rundown of their courtship which one of them ends up shoving inside of an empty glass bottle. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is exactly how producers came up with this show.
Lindzi tells us that she’s a lucky girl to be living a fairytale, and we can already see her getting excited about flying home to Dumpsville with Ben on their way to meet her family, who make up the entire population of that small town.
A quick editorial comment here (amidst what is an entire post of editorial comments so what was that for): whenever my beloved Lindzi is on the screen, I always find myself saying in my mind “omigod are you really that excited about it? it is really that exciting for you?”
Actually you know what this is, I think this is just me liking Lindzi too much to find any real fault with her. Genuinely kind and upbeat people are typically very hard for me to mock.
I am morally complex.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN + EMILY: SIMPLE LEARN-BY-IMMERSION SNORKELING AND LOBSTER-DIVE
This happens and it’s the best thing ever.
That rad date experience was the lucky result of a forced interaction between Ben and the townspeople– the brainchild of a producer-writer-and-director triumvirate. Good work, boys. You always come through with the magic. After the date, Ben feels really proud of himself for overcoming his fear of people who are socio-economically beneath him, and everybody in the crew cheers him on for being the biggest sack of s**t I’ve ever seen in a pair of neon pink board shorts holding a lobster from the Paleolithic era (or, ‘a friend’). And that’s saying a lot.
Ben says things like “I can see myself loving this woman” about Emily. And, had we known the outcome of the rose ceremony at this point, we would have collectively thrown whatever we were eating directly at the television screen.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE
Courtney continues to work towards her ultimate goal of sweeping Keith Olbermann’s typically political segment, “Worst Person in The World.” And then…
… THE THIRD AND FINAL ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD ARRIVES
… and is read by Lindzi; Courtney’s name is on it, and suddenly we hear the sounds of knives being sharpened under woolen couch throws.
Now fraternal twins, Nicki and WHITTLES McBEHBEN exchange glances of mutual disdain for Courtney, while Courtney pulls a 180 degree turn from Weepy von GrumbleAbout to Triumph, the Insult Comic Bitch. In their defense, this is very hatable.
At this point in the recap I’m realizing that the BEHBEH LIDDLES’ ‘she sucks’ remark I mentioned earlier in this recap had to have just been a sneak peek of this scene… so, oops. Anyway here’s where all of it goes down. And it must have been one really lengthy, detailed bitchfest for BEHBEH because she goes from hair tied Kacie B to hair flowing free Kacie B. Good for you, BEHBEHLA. You needed that. And we needed that from you. It’s pretty much down to you, Emily (sort of), Nicki and Lindzi as far as which girls any of us out here in the real world can still identify with. Keep keepin’ it real, girrrfriend.
CUT TO BEN AND COURTNEY ON THEIR ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Ben starts singing “you and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” by The Bloodhound Gang and this serves to assuage Courtney’s fears about whether or not she and Ben still have a strong emotional connection. Then he asks her to put her hands down his pants and I bet she felt nuts when she did that.
CUT TO THE GIRLS CHILLAXING BY THE WATER, COMPLAINING ABOUT THE COMPLAINER WHO’S BONDING WITH BEN AS THEY LAMENT HER EXISTENCE.
That….. that pretty much describes the situation.
CUT BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH BEN AND COURTNEY: SIMPLE ANCIENT CIVILIZATION VERTICAL CLIMB
When they reach the top of the structure, therefore closer to the heavens, BEN SAYS, OUT LOUD:
And I say, in my head, that I’ve found the title of my Episode 7 Bachelor recap.
FINAL SEGMENT OF BEN + COURTNEY ONE-ON-ONE DATE: DINNER PORTION
COURTNEY: “Yeah, I have a lot of good friends… I HAVE A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS.”
… A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS.”
… GUY FRIENDS.”
… GUY FRIENDS.”
This is the scene where Ben brings up things that don’t sound like “remember when you got naked that time? that was fun” and instead sound like “but can I just ask you about your character, and do you have trouble getting on well with others?”
This results in Courtney a) getting very defensive and aggressive and therefore b) showing her true colors, which results in c) absolutely no enlightenment whatsoever on Ben’s part.
These two are a match made in that part of Heaven where angels put on improv comedy sketch shows using deserving human players.
GROUP DATE: SIMPLE SHARK ATTACK
(Noteworthy quote ~ BEN: “Today is going to be really special; I’m waking the women up at 4am…” Ben knows what women want. Just as much as if not more than Mel Gibson does.)
Approaching the whole situation for the gameshow that it is, but taking the ‘rules concept’ of the show waaaaay more seriously than the other girls, at 1 hr 21 mins in NICKI says: “Do you think the rose will go to [Rachel], because, she faced her fears?”
To which BEHBEH says: “No, are you kidding me? This isn’t about ‘hey, you conquered your fear, lemme meet your family!’ This is about ‘I like you as a whole person and what we’ve been through on this entire journey, and I wanna meet your family.’”
Stop right there. Stop, because here is where BEHBEH almost simultaneously lifts us up only to bring us down deeper, showing us that she is both laudably and remarkably intelligent but also an absolute dunce about what’s going on in her life right now, because that statement of hers is truth ANYWHERE but on this very show she’s participating in. Well done but not really, BEHBEH. I’m standing here and I’m equal parts brimming-with-pride and completely-not-surprised.
I think this happens around this time (yeah, I know I’m skipping a lot):
Jared® jewelry fails for a second week in a row with an engagement ring commercial WITH NO FASHIONS IN IT. Sorry I mean WITH NO ENGAGEMENT RING SHOTS IN IT. Don’t they realize it doesn’t matter what business you’re in; it’s the money shot that counts?!
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL / RETURN TO END OF SHARK-DATE WITH PORTION OF BEVY
At one point, in an attempt to catch up the reality of the situation with how things are progressing in her imagination, Nicki tells Ben that her family would love him so don’t even worry about it. ”[My family] would know that you’re a good man, they would…”
And it is at this precise moment when Ben drops his head down and to the left; one of the most easily recognized movements in body language signifying that an uttered statement and its truth are in severe discord. So, at least the honesty in his body language hasn’t been trained out of him yet.
THE POINT IN THE GROUP DATE WHEN THEY TELL HIM TO BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT COURTNEY AND THEN WALK AWAY THINKING IT WASN’T A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME
(Sorry; I can’t remember if this came before or after Kacie B got the rose. But so what, who cares.)
1:37 - Ben says something that just BEGGGGGS the bevy to start spilling their collective beans about Courtney.
NICKI: “We want you to be cautious about Courtney.”
BEHBEH: “Just, tread lightly.” SO WE SEE EMILY LIKES TO SERVE HER REVENGE COLD, AND BY PROXY.
NICKI: “I want you to be with someone who’s gonna be there for you; in this for the long run…”
About to cry, Ben says to Nicki: “and you don’t think she’s in this– *clears his throat to stop the crying from manifesting in his voice* … to do that?”
So, at this point we see from the teaser-into-commercial that Ben’s stylist is now in on the joke, as it’s the only assumption that lends any sense to that stripes-of-varying-widths-and-hues tie he’s sporting when he pulls Courtney aside to discuss whether she’s in this for the right reasons. And also that he’s totally kidding, and that he just wanted to privately thank her again for all the nudity, and how it’s really been a Godsend in helping him to stay relaxed on this wonderful journey. And then he tells her that she should go back to be with the bevy now so that he can get started on sending some more bitches home on a couple of dingies driven by ghostly apparitions who are NOT just members of the show’s staff who brought their fingers to their noses last.
COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL
Aaaand it’s take a boat ride in dark water to a torch-lit path down the boardwalk to the rose ceremony AND WE’RE OFF.
RACHEL: “Whoever he gives a rose to, meets your family.” ……….. did your family go on vacation a lot during English class?
Next, the bevy is sitting in a cabana (or something I’m erroneously calling a cabana?) relaxing with some pina coladas, when this happens:
After that, Courtney goes Alex Trebek on their asses, saying, “well, I’M feeling good. I’ve got a pina colada, I’m feeling goooood, I’m in BEH-HUH-LISZSE, everything’s great.”
CHRISHARRISON shows up and goes: NO COCKTAIL PARTY FOR YOU! And so it is written, that there will be no cocktail party tonight; instead… ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE
Then Ben says to the bevy: ”Evvvurrrehbaahhdee ees so great! I’m loving you, Belize.” And then he goes:
“NO BEN FOR YOU!” to Emily and Rachel. And Rachel goes:
“I feel very rejected. Yeah, very rejected.” A common side effect of being rejected.
And then I decide that Emily’s exit rap should essentially be this slightly edited excerpt from the ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air:’
Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the pawn in a game that’s no fair.
~ FIN ~
Ugh! They need to just go do the sex already, those two.
Ok, SO, I wanna hear from you truly madly deeply, my savage garden of viewers who I’ve regretfully encouraged to watch the show this season. What are your thoughts/reactions to the show and/or whatever I just said up there in text and pictures?
LAY IT ON ME LIKE RED PAINT ON A FINE, NEW ENGLAND FUR.
xoxo - Alison
Other recaps from this season:
Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps