Me again. Happy Saturday you guys. FYI, my announcement comes a little later on today if you’re wondering.
Let me just say, here, that Ben’s kissing technique is murdering my face. I can hardly stands it. NO’MOES.
Cue the tribal beats and it’s abundantly clear that we’re in Interlaken, Switzerland, commonly known as the land of questionable and highly suspect alliances, and ambivalence. But The Bachelor is the land of the perfect metaphor, so undoubtedly this is a perfect fit for our protagonist this season. Ohh and fun fact– this is that episode in the season where one woman is sent home for having Ben’s least favorite gooey center. A great episode to be sent home on. A great one. Amazing! Amazing. I am excited. If anyone was worried that there was nothing good left on television anymore, well, I FEEL YOU.
In other news, I’m going to explain why in a second, but I just want to let you know that the amount of screen grabs you’re used to was not a real possibility for this recap this time around. I could get only a bit more than a handful, but I did my best, you guys. Here are a few to start you off. They are hairtastic.
This is a good time to let you know that this recap took so effing long to put together because I’ve been nowhere near a DVR or a TiVo (DVR’s inbred cousin) since Tuesday morning, which means I’ve had the super duper fun task of trying to capture the ideal screen grab from a moving television program on ABC’s website because when you press “pause” on the website it goes BLANK EFFING SCREENFACED. So you know who to thank. For that. Anyway as you can see I’m no happies about that, because I really, really, REALLY hate making you wait for this s**t platter I dare to call a legitimate recap every week. I see your tweets asking for it, and I’m like, I waaaant to give it to you, I swear, I just cannot manage!!! And it’s also fun that I’m disappointing Honey as we speak because he took me on this Atlanta trip we’re on for the Radiohead concert but also so that he could take me out tonight to see his favorite sights but I finally had a good internet connection here and I hadn’t completed this recap yet so we stayed in, AND AAAAAND Lady Shark Week just started so I’m pretty much in disbelief I haven’t started to cry uncontrollably yet but whatever, WHATEVER. Let’s get back to the show, where were we? Oh right, Ben was about to start banging some chicks in order to make a decision on who to live with forever and watch bear children for him who will be named Dad, Daddons, Daddette, Dadson and the WHITTLEST will be named DEHDEH, as an homage to a love lost.
BEN: “I’ve felt every emotion.”
Is this real life? Every? Emotion? Every emotion? What is going on right now; like, did I miss something? Did I miss an episode where Ben felt the other 99% of the emotions he never experiences in front of us?
No matter, because everybody knows that Ben’s emotional spectrum is limited to the adjectives included on the cover of a scrapbook that’s on the floor of a helicopter somewhere. Everybody, everybody knows this.
9 min in: Ok so we are nine minutes in now and at this point we realize that Ben has been talking for at least nine minutes. And it is at this early juncture that I start to worry about my blacking out threshold in a very real way. About whether it has gotten less, or more, able to withstand things like endless rivers of banal metaphor, and hyperbolic assertions so hyperbolic in their sheer hyperbolicness that pre-teen girls the world over are turning to the screen in disgust to say “I cannot believe how much those girls exaggerate on that show. I just can’t, you guys, I can’t. It’s killing me. Like, I’m dying. I’m dead. I am completely dead from the unrestrained hyperbole going on on ABC right now. Seriously you guys. OMIGOD HOW HOT IS DAVE FROM SHOP CLASS BY THE WAY??!!!!!! Did you see?– he wore all Abercrombie, from like, HEAD TO TOE, Abercrombie. Soooo hot. Even his shoes–did you know they make shoes now? Oh Jenny, you knew? Jenny knew. Anyway OMG I wanna lay there in shop class and just let Dave, like, have his way with me. Because I’m twelve years old and we have sex now, at this age.”
The More You Know. (Rainbow graphic.)
UMM HOLY S**T THERE’S EMILY IN A BODY-CON RED DRESS AND WE’RE BAAAAACK. That was pretty hot. And now men everywhere (and myself) have officially been wooed into watching another season. You’re doing it right, producers.
In fact that whole scene was kind of full of– wait, what ISSSSSSZZ that. Wait, wait that’s– that’s what attractive people look like. omigod RIGHT!
I’d forgotten that usually the Chosen Ones on this series are typically actually somewhat attractive, and that we are just experiencing a hiccup this season. *figuratively wipes sweat from brow* *figuratively flicks sweat onto phantom Bambino* *phantom because I’m in a hotel room without Bambino because Bambinos don’t fly well* *don’t worry though* *Bambino is with his grandparents who give me daily reports on his progress with them* *today’s report: “Bambino is extremely adorable Alison, and he’s the best, too, also he follows me and Dad everywhere it’s the cutest thing and I love him, and are you sure you need him back on Sunday?”* *I’mma stop it with the asterisks now, sorry*
DATE WITH NICKI, THE SEXY TEXY
Nicki talks to us about what happened last episode, and then opens her mouth real wide-like, so, SO wide, wiiiiiide open, and for a long while, and the visual which for some reason I had to rewind three times because I had trouble believing it was happening serves to erases my short-term memory so I couldn’t tell you any of what she just said. I’m sure it had something to do with love and San Francisco and how she doesn’t understand why her parents who are divorced were in the same house like everything was cool or something on that hometown date. (You guys, I didn’t get that. Why were they in the same house?)
Ben is waiting in a field, and Nicki starts walking towards him. She acknowledges the fact that she can actually see him only when she reaches a point that is approximately 100 feet away from him. This is known as ‘The Cool Spot’ and it is to be found immediately after leaving ‘The Void,’ which is the area between your starting point of stepping into an open field of grass no higher than your boot top, and the “You’re-Almost-There Point” – which is, conveniently, also The Cool Spot. She played it coy like she didn’t see him for the mile of open flatland she had been walking towards him up until that point. Because it’s important to wait until it looks only mostly ridiculous that you just walked towards him trying to fake that you didn’t realize he was there until the last second. Ok but seriously, all jokes aside you guys, I totally felt her on that. Gotta make believe you don’t see the man you’re approaching in the middle of a field UNTIL you’re within legit eyeshot of one another. Any sooner and it’s just awkwardly trying to connect at the eye, but from too far away, and it is just WRETCHED and uncool and you don’t wanna do it. You can’t fall in love that way, if you start off like that, nope. Otherwise your only option is to apply for a dating show oh wait.
She arrives and they embrace. Coolbeans!
And then this is the point when, like an idiot, I check my twitter feed and see that someone tweeted about who Ben sent home during the rose ceremony (I had been busy so I had to start the show late). And I say to Honey, “s**t, Honey, I just spoiled myself with a spoiler tweet on twitter about the bachelor results.”
And then Honey goes, “…. what do those words mean?”
And I cry softly about what my life has become.
HELI TIME AND GOOD VANTAGE POINTS; IT TAKES… TWO FOR NICKI?
13 min in: Nicki asks “whudderrrweh duuuinn?” and Ben, totally hilarious ’cause he’s so hilarious you guys, teases “well, we’re in Switzerland… home of… the Alps…. so it would be a good vantage point… from thE SSSKKYYYYYUHH?!!!”
A little later Nicki says to the camera, “I’m looking forward to spending the whole day with Ben. How can you not be stoked about that??!”
It’s actually pretty easy, Nicki. From my vantage point.
At about 13.2 minutes in, a helicopter comes and I am SHOCKED. A helicopter? What in the what? On The Bachelor, of all shows?
Ben does a happy dance but it is not well received by Nicki, and so Ben ceases immediately because someone is not mirroring his every word and move for the first time this season. Nicki is like, “sir I will not do your happy dance, I am a lady. I will not stand here and perform this dance that mimics the crushing of so many grapes, not when it is my chosen field upon our marriage union. I will NOT, sir. And I would that you please refrain from bringing me into such times of levity and gayness.” and then she’s like “okthanksbye.” Just kidding, she’s more like “ANYTHING FOR YOU MY PRINCE,” like pretty much all of these girls this season. AAAGGGGGH I CAN’T TAKE IT NO MOE.
The helicopter comes down to land, and Ben says something like, “umm gow MOE TOE DOE TAH!” or maybe it was “IBBA HELICOPTAHH!” or whatever and Nicki says “yyyYYYYAAAAYYYYYY!!!!” into Ben’s face, and they breakdance, and clapping goes on, and other things toddlers do when they have to choose between being happy and breathing.
NICKI: “This is my SECOND helicopter ride, ever, in a helicopter, and it’s with BEN!”
Wait WHAAAAAAAAAAAHHH? No way, Nicki’s been in a heli before? Where, was the first time also with Ben? Or did she like– whatever, I don’t care to expand on this though because I’m pretty sure that they’re flying high in a helicopter and I just heard Ben go “my relationship with Nicki is reaching new heights, but at the same time, it’s grounded.” And also, things like, “Wild ride. she is not an ICE queen. She makes me feel glay-…cier. Nicki’s icewall is MELTING, away. I feel like we climbed up Nicki’s mountain and are settling safely on the leeward side of Nicki, sheltered from the harsh Switzerland winds. I want to be inside Nicki. SORRY, WAIT, NO– what I meant to say was that I hope to have time later, possibly during the bedroom portion of our date, to explore Nicki’s Hölloch caves, which are located in Switzerland, and are unseasonably warm and inviting, especially for this area.” (And then Ben goes to himself, “YES, nice save, Ben. Hölloch caves, haHAH! Well done, old friend.” Ben has learned to talk to himself due to his lack of having friends.)
I have to wonder if the producers think they’re tricking me/us into thinking this is just the way words fall out of these kids’ mouths. I think my three year old nephew would take one look at this show and yell “Ben, ahh woo siwee-uss? oo cannabi siwee-uss widis!” And then my nephew would also say to him “Ben pweeese chooz Windzee; she speak mye wanguage when she say ‘HEWICOPTEWR!’ inna ooliuh episode. I wykes ha a wotte Ben!”
18 min in, NICKI: “Standing on top of this mountain with Ben… the view goes on forever…. (it’s not enough so she’s told to keep it going in the interview)… whiiiiiich can be compared to our future together. YES, there’s, always, the cliff, there, you could fall off of, which could be compared to our relationship, possibly ending, abruptly, and soon.”
COMMERCIAL / BACK
NICKI: “I had the best day. Ben has another surprise…” and I’m thinking to myself, Nicki, tell me it’s literally a log cabin…
“IT’S LITERALLY A LOG CABIN.” She tells me. OMG LITERALLY? And I wanna go, “please stop using this word the wrong way, Entire World, ” but then I realize this is the one case in which it was used correctly on the show, and then I feel bested and owned.
BEN: “Every time I see Nicki, she’s having a better time than the last. Those are GREAT signs” … of Nicki wholly lacking emotional peaks and valleys. Which is perfect because my ideal candidate will be nothing more than a proxy for my emotional state.
Nicki drones on about how literally she feels things for Ben, and how she’s literally really excited about their future, in a literal sense.
Ben says things such as “she’s incredible,” and then I start to think to myself… surely Ben’s utter lack of descriptive adjectives to distinguish these women from each other is understandable, right? Because really, if I’m honest, how many different ways can I honestly describe my Honey? Surely it would be difficult to go the span of a season talking about him in interviews with unique words every time. And then add in that I’m a heartless robot from the Stone Age, having to keep track of more than one women and the attributes that are specific to her, and it’s like, I might as well pack it in.
FANTASY SUITE CARD ROUND – NICKI’S TURN TO SIT ON IT
Do you guys think Chrisharrison actually writes these cards? I often wonder that. Somebody will be reading the card and then out of nowhere they’ll say, “signed, Chris” and I’m always JOLTED out of my seat by the fact that Chrisharrison is always the one to invite ladies to play with Ben’s peen. What a weird job you have, Chrisharrison.
I really love the part where Ben lied about how he wanted to continue his and Nicki’s love story by f**king. So romantic.
BEN, regarding the fantasy suite card: “I’m very excited to spend some alone time with Nicki. You know, these moments are very important… you get to know a lot about a person
NICKI: “it’s been about a year and a half since
I’ve had intercourse with a man my ex-husband and I separated… but, the fantasy suite… it’s not something I take lightly.”
They’re in the HOT TUB!!! Alison’s gettin’ herself some hot tub tv action on the Bachelor!!! FINALEMENT!!!! I have been begging for this long enough, it’s about friggin’ time, ABC.
Nicki decides to repeatedly tell Ben that she is literally for real to the infinite in love and loves him. Ben immediately loses interest.
DATE WITH LINDZI
They go on a death-defying date and it becomes obvious that the producers a) are consistently getting Lindzi to tell them her fears, and b) are lying to her about how her makeup looks.
One observation: have you guys noticed how, when Lindzi speaks, her facial contortions would lead one to believe that she’s saying some pretty complex, heavy, thought-provoking things, with the way she focuses so hard, and furrows her brow, and looks extremely confused, and just generally always seems like she is saying more than, “horses are my fave.”
Ben goes, “OVERNIGHT PORTION” and I lose it. Ceaseless projectile vomiting that goes from 11am until 7pm. Why can’t we call things what they are in this Bachelor world? It is a sex tryout. It is a chance to see if the P fits into the V. It is what it is, and we’re all adults here except for this Ben guy.
No seriously that’s what Ben called it. ”Overnight portion.” It’s like-
OH GOD HE’S—IT’S A BOWTIE, BEN IS WEARING A BOWTIE. WHO IZZZZZZZZZ HE???!!!! You guys I can’t wait for this season to be OVER. I need to never see him again, or his fashions. I bet his wine tastes like boredom, dreams unfulfilled and a hint of his father’s cologne. I can’t wait to STOP TALKING ABOUT BEN FLAJNIK. I think I’m just completely over this entire season and need to start in on Emily’s season. Like, I need that to start ASAP.
Ok, listen. Can I tell you what I hate about this date? The most? It’s the moment when Ben invites– sorry, Chrisharrison invites Lindzi to sleep with Ben in a suite full of fantasies and broken promises. Lindzi does the thing most girls would do–heck I guess even I might do–and that is, say:
“Normally I just don’t–like, stay the night, with just, anyone…. BUT………. WHOOPS MY DRESS FELL OFF!”
I hope that one day the ladies on this show won’t feel like they have to act a certain way to be respected by Ben and the audience. Go touch him while you’re both naked, it’s ok! For chrissake you’ve already agreed to be on a televised reality dating show! The worst is behind you!
BEN: “I know it can be really difficult for Lindzi to express herself…”
Hahah. That’s actually an unexpectedly accurate observation, Ben. Kind of insulting, but accurate, nonetheless.
DATE WITH COURTNEY
Ben greets Courtney in this:
Now I have to be honest, I got really bored watching this date on a train and listening to Courtney explain herself and start to cry and I found myself walking around on the internet’s face and I somehow I got to this video while I wasn’t paying attention to Courtney talking.
I love my BEHBEH McWHITTLES too much to comment on this segment. So let’s just leave it behind us with a collective acknowledgment that she probably shouldn’t have come back and done what she did. Which was to see if there was still a chance, and then, once clear that there wasn’t a chance, proceed to try to eff up his world by warning him about Courtney.
We need to accept that Courtney is meant for Ben, and vice versa. They are a perfect fit. They need one another. Also, I don’t want any of the other girls to end up with him because they’ll only get hurt in the end, as he is an emotionless mound of non-personality who actually has the gall repeatedly to indicate the importance of “the lady I choose needs to be able to fit into my life.”
GIRLS, RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN FROM MEN WHO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. Please, just trust me.
CHAT AMONGST BROHANS
Totally not into it, Chrisharrison asks Ben wussup bro. Ben also calls Chrisharrison a bro, and he’s clearly uncomfortable with the phrasing, as many wealthy wine makers are. Also, I was throwing up during their entire exchange. Here’s what I took away, in between hurls…
V How did these dresses happen V
So here’s what goes down:
Ben totally keeps Lindzi. Because Lindzi finally looks sexy.
It’s down to Courtney impersonating the little girl from The Ring and Nicki in the “Grecian Goddess in Ivory” polyester costume she found at a year-round Halloween shop she found during a layover on her way to start filming.
He picks Courtney DUUHH and sends Nicki packing. Cue me feeling absolutely terrible for Nicki. She was so sweet, you guys! She was so genuine. I hope she’s doing ok, I really genuinely liked her.
Ben walks Nicki out, and, wanting to avoid a need for a return visit a la Kacie B, Ben tries to be as perfectly clear and thorough as possible in his explanation of why Nicki is not going to fit perfectly into his life. And we all assume it was sex-related, because that’s the way it goes with this episode. Not the ideal episode to be kicked off of, in my opinion. Unless you think of it as you were the girl who refused to give it up. If we look at it that way, then brava, Nicki. Way to keep the goodies to yourself. You’ll be congratulating yourself a year from now, I PROMISE YOU THIS.
~ FIN ~
Ok, you guys. YOU GUYS. Since it IS my Shark Week I feel like you guys are possibly totally hating me right now for what was most likely a lackluster recap up there. But pleeeaaase don’t hate me. I don’t think I can take it. It came down to me just having waaay too much on my plate this month – like, wedding blog related stuff - and traveling is never conducive to proper recapping. It sucks like that. Sincerest apologies to my recap faithfuls, forreals. I hope you enjoyed it at least somewhat, peeps.
In any case, I would love to hear your thoughts/reactions/fave moments/observations/reasons why you’ve decided never to watch The Bachelor/ette ever again, ever. Anything, really. I just wanna hear you talk now, if you’re into it.
xoxo - Alison
P.S – The Announcement is being posted todizzle, fo’ shizzle, my nizzles. FYI, todizzle = Saturday, March 3rd. I can finally share it. I seriously feel like I’ve been waiting forever. And I’m sure that you do, too.
Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps