BACHELOR RECAP PART 1: The Finale | MYTH: If a man owns a winery, it means that man is a pillar of society.

Now is as good a time as any to tell you that I’m having a lot of trouble processing the cloaks factor of Monday night’s episode.  I’m anxious to get to it.  Pray this entire recap isn’t riddled with references to cloaks and types of people who wear capes, because it’s sort of the dominant gene in this pool right now.

I AM SO GLAD IT’S OVER.  This guy is the dictionary definition of a drag of a human being who is less properly equipped for finding love than Bambino’s balls are equipped for making new Bambinos.  But I’ll pity a ball-less (ballsless?  balllless?) Bambino who’s none the wiser before I’ll feel even an ounce of pity for a privileged winemaker who lists among his allergies Quality Ladies and My Own Tears.  I feel like Ben should go on to write a book entitled, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Assholes.”  I think it would be a New York Times best-seller for how accurate and effective it is for becoming an asshole.

Speaking of Bambino, as soon as I turned on The Bachelor Finale to start the recap, the little turd woke up and gave me some reeeaal attitude about it.

Anyway, let’s begin, shall we?

~ ~ ~

I am hoping for a Mesnick, guys.

If God is good, he will send in a Mesnick.  Please, ENGAGE: ‘MESNICK MOVE.’  What I’m wondering is, why hasn’t anybody done this already?! that’s what I’m wondering.  Why are we here now, seizing over the now real potential for this to end badly?  Because you guys, I’mma be honest, I don’t think I can do this if The C Word wins this thing.  People, so help me God I don’t know if I can do this.

Let’s make that a thing, by the way.  *Pulling a Mesnick.*  Can you feel the potential it has?  Its potential is as real as the potential for this season to end badly the way Ben prophesied while finishing up Ashley’s season with his buddy JP who he was living with as well as to whom he lost his girlfriend, along with that last little bit of trust he had for women left in his heart.  So, are you game for it?  Yes? no?  Yes, then no?  Yes, then no, but also yes, to the woman you’ve been living with who I’ve also been f**king unabashedly in front of your face?  Wait, what’s that?  You wanna back-burner it and try out something else for a month with the option of turning it in for the other or equivalent cash value?  OH and you have a kid navigating his formative years enduring the entire thing?  OHH, and is the child’s emotional future hanging in the balance?  Ok, I see your rational, real world approach to finding lasting love and I honor it by having mentioned it in this sentence.  (<– unexpected twist in where you expected I was going with this.)

~ pre-pre-preface :: an issue I need to mention before The Preface ~

{issue number one.}  I’m having a lot of anxiety related to recapping Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, almost to the point that I’m considering not doing it.  I’m getting a very Slade Smiley vibe about the direction my recaps could end up going, and I’m not ok with that.  I just– when I think back to kindergarten I think I remember being taught some golden rules and that one of them was something along the lines of “single mothers are off limits.”  In fact I am almost certain “Thou Shalt Not Mock Those Raising a Child Alone” is an actual Commandment.  Anyway, it just sort of goes against everything I stand for.  And unfortunately my parents didn’t raise me to be the kind of person who could meet this challenge with open arms.  I’m having such trouble wrapping my head around poking even the slightest bit of fun at a single mother’s journey to find love; I mean the kind of the love that leads to a lasting relationship and not the road-to-nowhere it did the last time she tried doing it this way.  (At this moment I find it critical to remind the public about the fabled Einstein quote – popularized to the level of “Most Annoying Effing Quote Ever Shoved in my Face on a Daily Basis” thanks to enthusiast Pinterest users – which is: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,” and I’m prepared to say that on a scale of 1 to 10, at least 35% of women auditioning for this show are somewhere along the road to crazy, just at different points in their respective journeys.  … I mean, you can see where I’m going with this.)

But seriously, if you think about it, the only material that feels even somewhat usable is the way that Emily is doing the heroic, backbreaking work of childrearing inside of what appears to be the mansion she owns, whereas the average single mother doesn’t have any mansions to speak of, not even one.  But still, I can make the mansion thing stretch out over what, two? MAX three, episodes, and then I’m left with what?  With a single mother still raising her child alone.  Except the only difference being that now I’ve mocked her for a couple of episodes, which, y’know, is a good place to be, on the public scale of moral righteousness.

In conclusion of this pre-pre-preface (… I know this is long but this is my blog so screw off if you’re not into *long*…) it is becoming increasingly apparent that the only option left is solely to mock the men who try to win her heart, and leave the woman and the kid outtathis.  Which was loosely the plan all along I just had to work it out in my head.  So let’s toast our glasses high – mine the highest, I wanna be higher than everyone – for a boy bevy next season that’s equal parts absolute gentleman & complete d**k.

And maybe a black guy, this time?  I mean, I don’t wanna make waves here… I’m not saying do it or I’ll stop watching, I’m just… I’m throwing it out there.  Just, it couldn’t hurt.

~ pre-preface :: an additional issue I need also to note before getting to The Preface ~

{issue two.}  I have been envisioning this day ever since our bachelor so gently assisted Samantha the Pageant Queen in leaving by slashing her throat and unnecessarily draining her of her blood supply so I am having a bit of a moment right now, with this actually being the last time I ever again have to talk about the life and times of this dips**t.  And say what you will about Samantha, I just don’t think a kindhearted man would treat a woman the way he treated her, which was talk-to-the-hand style like a bitchy 14-yr-old girl with undiagnosed anger issues.  Not to mention the way he treated so many of the others, so… yeah, you betchurass I’m ready for this to be over.  In fact I am so excited about this being the finale that I’ve put some special effort into making myself extra super ready for love, for example I’m in an advanced state of readiness to leave everything I know and hold dear so that I can move to San Francisco and find my position in the rotation of his current life structure.  If I know anything, it’s that First Rule of Ben Club: It’s a Ben Ben World.  Once you accept him as your true Lord and Savior, everything suddenly makes sense, and you just go with it, you don’t ask questions you just go with the flow, and it’s gravy from there, once you accept that.  I’ve even parted my hair down the middle, just the way Ben insists of members of his family, and I found an instructional video online that shows you how to fake a bobbed hair cut, so as you can see, I am batting a thousand according to Ben’s recipe.

Ok, real talk?  I am so OVER HIM that it has taken everything I have, not to up and quit after every last episode.

If I can keep it really real here for a minute, this season made me want to stop watching the series The Bachelor as a whole.  WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.  No, I’m not saying that I’ve enjoyed The Bachelor with the exception of Ben’s season; not at all,  you couldn’t be farther off.  I’ve been yelling ”never. again.” at the end of every Finale for the last three years.  What I AM saying is that this season, it was just so beyond the pale bad, it was so extremely outside of the acceptable realm of what I am willing for it to be, that I actually very seriously considered quitting the show indefinitely after Monday night, sort of as a silent protest.  Or as part of what some call, “growing up,” or “having standards for how I spend my time” or something to that effect.

~ preface :: “The Preface” in the previous two headings ~

For the sake of full disclosure, I have to tell you that this recap you’re about to read is the product of Sit-Through #2 of both “The Bachelor Finale” and, ”After The Final Rose,” or, the hour or so more of television where Ben challenges himself not to cry and loses.  I watched it the first time around at a viewing party downtown at Bowlmor on Monday, in what is most likely the most redonkulous way you can imagine, which is with bachelors and bachelorettes from this and seasons past.  If you did not fall out of your chair just now reading that, you have not been reading my recaps for too long.  Because of the various scenarios I felt might play out when I first began doing these stupid recaps many seasons ago, the scenario involving me getting to know some ladies from the show and them not turning on me en masse was certainly not in my Top Ten.  But, here we are.  Because life is interesting like that.

So what does this all mean– it means that, in place of my typical first-viewing approach which is to jot down a comprehensive snark itinerary/timeline complete with a few of Honey’s most notable reactions, I instead had my mental hazard lights on for much of the evening because there were still a couple of ladies there who a) hadn’t yet formally been introduced to me and who, b) were on Ben’s season… which naturally resulted in c) me taking the less treacherous “we’re enjoying each other’s company, let’s not ruin it by formally introducing myself” road, which brought about d) the best possible outcome for the situation.  Unfortunately, e) somebody’s gonna be an a$$hole and wise them up now so, f) it was such a pleasure knowing you up until this very moment when things changed irreconcilably.

~ The Recap ~

Myth ”If a man owns a winery, it means that man is a pillar of society.”

MYTH BUSTED!

Guys, I feel like this is going to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history–OHHHHHH SNAP!  I’m right, Chrisharrisonface JUST SAID IT, so it’s real, it’s a real thing.  Omigod, forget that though, because I just noticed that Zermatt, Switzerland sponsored this episode, so finally that money they were so nice to hold for my ancestors is going somewhere.  And, AAAAND, the producers just tried to help Courtney rehab her image by petting a cat and Courtney was all “hey kitty I’mma pet you!” but the cat was all “I AM NOT INTERESTED GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME” except he said it by standing very upright and tightening every inch of his body while trying to be as standoffish as possible about whether or not there was chance for reconciliation.  OMG AAAAAND, before I forget, the guy who chooses the music for the show chose to set Ben’s introspective musings to the tune of a little song called “This Year’s Love” by David Gray.  In case you haven’t listened very hard to this song’s message before, here, let me share with you the entire lyrical record of the song they chose for the finale of Ben’s Season of The Bachelor:

 ”This years love had better last
Heaven knows it’s high time
And I’ve been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can’t go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
‘Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain’t this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don’t you know this life goes on
And won’t you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain’t this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last”

Amazing!  I am brimming with hope for the outcome of this love story that’s unfolding on the television.  I feel as confident about Ben’s relationship with someone working out, as Courtney feels confident in her belief that she is convincing us that she is a confident woman by repeating it over and over to anyone who’ll listen.

… and with that I welcome you, I welcome the tired, the weak, I welcome the huddled masses still yearning to believe in a little thing called petri dish love, a thing we once thought even to be ‘within the realm of real possibilities;’ a thing we call…

Finding Love on a Game Show That Sets Up ‘Love’ As Something You Can Actually Force On a Closed Set, While Wholly Ignoring The Fact That It is the Thrill of The Chase That Causes Adrenaline and Dopamine to Go Into Over-Production, Serving To Create a False Sense of Affection In The Pursuer for the Pursued.

The Bachelor is the show that finally puts the phrase “… I wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on Earth” to a real world test.

Friends, relatives, haters and lovers, I present to you part one of the final f**king recap, finally, of the finale, of The Bachelor: The Ben Flajnik Season… “Me Ben, You Pretty Girl, Me Take You Home To Meet Fahmuhlee, Me Fahmuhlee Accept You, You Cook and Clean, You Smush Grapes I Drink Wine, We Big Happee Fahmuhlee Again.”

No but seriously you really, really, FOR REALS have no idea how happy I am currently to be writing the final recap of the final episode of this show.  NFI how happy.  But here’s an idea, to give you an idea… I am happier to be pushing through the final thrust of this season’s recaps than Bambino would be happy to turn back the clock on Operation: Ball Chop 2011.

I am happier to be done tracking Ben Flapjack’s every move for an entire season than LIDDLE BEHBEH would be to learn about the Brazilian Permanent Hair Straightening technique.

I am happier to be writing this season’s final recap than Honey is happy to get a beej.

I’m really, really happy.

So, as I mentioned earlier we begin in Zermatt, a place as chilly as his emotions AND WE’RE OFF!  Batting a thousand already with the metaphors.  The Matterhorn behind him, Ben tells us, ”We’re in the Swiss Alps, the Matterhorn’s right behind me, so, I figure, monumental mountain, monumental moment.”

Can’t argue with that.

Ben tells us that his sister doesn’t typically approve of the women he dates.  I like her already.

BEN, ON LINDZI: “Lindzi lights up the room.  … I just need more time with her.  I hope I have enough time.”

Well, you have about one date left, which I thought you knew already or else I would have reminded you sooner, you idiot.  Anyway all of America is hoping ‘one more date’ is enough of that time you mentioned you need.

Also, you do realize this is your last chance to hang out with Lindzi before you make your decision, right?   Have you been following your season?  Because you’re at the Final Level before you have to save the princess, but you’re talking like she just stepped out of the limo.  Oh, one more thing:

LOVE DOESN’T ALWAYS BLOSSOM WITH THE QUICKNESS, BEN.  ACTUAL MARRIAGE-LEVEL LOVE TAKES TIME, BEN.  SO PLEASE, STOP TALKING ABOUT POOPING YOUR PANTALONES AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE F WORD YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE.  LOVE AND LUST ARE NOT ONE IN THE SAME GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

Sorry.  I got carried away, I’m sorry.

BEN, ON COURTNEY:  ”I keep getting warned about how she’s treated the other women.  So I’ve had doubts along the way.”

Translation: I keep letting this *she’s a terrible person without a moral compass* thing get in the way of my liking her boobies and butt enough to marry them.  Her.

BEN: “Ugh.  This decision’s going to be harder than I thought.”

THEN LATER: “I found love.  I know I found it.  And… it feeeeels… great.”  That has the makings of one very romantic proposal; I for one can’t wait to watch this unfold and OH CRAP—

*blacks out*

Sorry about blacking out back there, you guys.  I was being so sarcastic that I made myself pass out.

Oh look, hey, there’s Ben in a mountain cliffside apartment that is so nice I’m actually angry at him for getting to use it.

Saying it like he’s asking the producers a question, Ben goes, “That big ol’ beautiful matterhorn gives me hope?  I feel like, this is it…?”

The entire soliloquy is totally unreadable and contains nothing substantive.  Classic Ben, you guys.  Cuh-LASSIC.

THE SCENE WHERE BEN TALKS ABOUT HIS MOMMEH AND HIS SISSIE

“I love my mommeh and my sissie.  I love them both unconditionally, and I need outside perspective.”

At this point Honey turns around to the screen and sees Ben’s fam.

HONEY: “Oh wow, his sister’s not bad looking, at all.  She at least doesn’t look like a caveman’s sister.”

SISTER OF BEN SPENDS QT WITH LINDZI AND THEY KEEP IT REAL LIKE ONLY TWO WHITE GIRLS CAN

… which is over a glass of Pinot while overlooking beautiful vistas.

With every vino pour, the truth starts to soar.

Ben’s sister doesn’t waste any time getting down to business, and starts in with a couple of basic premises.  (premi?  premies?  Beanie Babies?)

One: Ben is looking to get deeper with you, Lindzi.  And by deeper I do not mean emotionally deeper, Lindzi, by deeper I mean you have to think less about being a respectable woman and more about getting comfortable with the idea of shaking hands with his d**k.  You need to.  Lindzi, I never said I was a role model.  I may not approve of my dear brother’s approach to choosing women, but I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna try to beat him at his own game.

Two: The producers tell me Courtney’s a bad apple; what’s your take, Lindzi?

Totally in control of her face, Lindzi dishes with Ben’s sister about how much Courtney sucks, but in that skillful way that girls do it, where it comes off sounding totally ok to have said and not rude or anything.  Like, “I made a point of making friends in the house, Courtney kind of didn’t bother with that… it’s like, why wouldn’t you want to make friends, I MEAN, YOU KNOW??  but you know, whatever, what do I know.”

I see what you did there, Lindzi, and I respect it.

CONCLUSION & FINDINGS OF LINDZI TRIAL:

BEN: “Lindzi could be my wife.”

Sister and Mom: “She works.”

BEN, SISTER AND MOMMEH DISCUSS AMONGST THEMSELVES.  HERE, I’LL GIVE THEM A TOPIC… ‘COURTNEY’

THE AMAZING THING THAT HAPPENS WHEN BEN TELLS THEM COURTNEY’S PROFESSION

Ben tells them she’s a model.  Cut to Ben’s sissie who goes…

Completely not mimicking Ben’s superficial approach to assessing a woman’s inherent nature and quality, Ben’s sister goes on to say, “The idea of like, a model as a sister in law, I’m like, oh God, Ben, come on.” <— ACTUAL QUOTE.

She continues, saying, “I motherf**king hate her f**king a$$ and I literally want to like, literally rip her head off, and verbally assault her face.”  And then we, the audience, get all nostalgic, but then we also realize that Courtney and Sister of Ben HAVE BEEN THE SAME EXACT PERSON THE WHOLE TIME.  It’s like when you get to the end of a really good, long book, and you find out the protagonist was dead the entire time.  You know?  Like, “holy s**t Courtney has always been just another version of his sister, it all makes sense now, he was looking for a woman more like his sister all along!” and how mind-blowing that is.

COMMERCIAL / BACK

 

Oh by the way…

BEN: “If I don’t get the approval from my Mom and sister, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

LOL just kidding, haha, I do know, I do know what I’m gonna do.  I’m going to choose Courtney, undoubtedly.  I’m just hoping my Mom and sister decide not to be total beaches about it.  Especially my sister, she can really be a total beach.

My sister and I don’t get along very well.

COURTNEY MEETS THE FAM

And everyone in the room tries their best not to immediately hate her… but that doesn’t work, and they immediately hate her, instead.

BEN’S MOMMEH, to Courtney: “Just, you know… that word, MODEL.  You know…”

BEN’S SIS, privately, to Courtney: ” blah blah blah blah blah RED FLAGS blah blah blah blah YOU ARE ONE blah blah blah…”

It’s possible that I’m completely off – I’ve been fending off another black out for an entire half hour now, so I’m already in a reduced state of consciousness – but I’m really starting to think that Ben’s family might possibly totally f**king hate everything models and the modeling community stands for without exception.

But I’m like, ladies, ladies, please… don’t hate the game, hate the player.  Unless the game is the show The Bachelor; if that’s the case then by all means, go for it, totally hate both.

BEN HAS A HEART TO HEART WITH SISTER-OF-BEN ON COURTNEY

SISTER OF BEN: “First impression, is that I am SHOCKED.”

Yes… yes….

“…. that [Courtney's] a really amazing girl.  I learned you can’t judge a book by its cover.  I found her to be very very sweet, I feel like I really got to know her today.  I feel like she would fit with the family.  You want my approval, I’ll give it to you.  Lindzi too.”

HO.

LEEE.

SCHEISSE-BALLS, YOU GUYS.

What in God’s name?  How did she– what just happened here??

CONCLUSION & FINDINGS OF COURTNEY TRIAL:

BEN: “Their preconceived notions of a pretty model, who didn’t get along with anyone…”

…. I’m fully expecting him to end this sentence with “were correct”–Omidad HE DIDN’T SAY ‘WERE CORRECT.‘  HE SAID A DIFFERENT THING.  Ok, wow.  WOW.  Ok, ok, I’m ok, everything’s ok, it’s going to be ok. Right?  It’s going to be ok?

COMMERCIAL / BACKACKACKACK

35 minutes in, and the Flajniks are now cuddling with Elyse.  Aaaaaaaand I’m wrong, it’s Sister of Ben, sorry.

They get to talking about one of the girls having a lot of depth to her and I immediately wonder who is this third girl, who is this dark horse the producers have let come back; who could they possibly be talking about because last time I checked, it was down to Lindzi and Courtney, and when I think about Lindzi and Courtney’s traits, “a lot of depth” isn’t on their Short Lists.  It doesn’t even make the cover of either one of the scrapbooks I made for them.  I’m tempted to rewind and figure out which mystery woman they’re discussing, but I realize again that I’m only ~35 minutes into a three hour death sentence, so I move on.  You don’t need to know everything, Alison.  You can let some things slide by.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: BEN + LINDZI – ARIGHT LET’S LET HELP OUT THIS SLOW BURN BY ADDING A FEW SMALL STICKS OF KINDLING, AND BUILDING A SMALL TEPEE TO MAINTAIN THE BURN BUT NOT MAKE IT SO LARGE THAT IT GOES WILD AND GROWS TO SOMETHING MORE DANGEROUS, JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP IT ALIVE, SOMEWHAT, FOR ANOTHER FEW HOURS, JUST SO, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN’T GO OUT BECAUSE WHO KNOWS, IT’S POSSIBLE WE’LL FALL OUT OF A HELICOPTER OR FROM SOME OTHER HIGH UP STRUCTURE TODAY AND IF WE’RE STRANDED HERE, IT WILL BE IMPORTANT THAT WE KEPT THESE FEW EMBERS STILL BURNING BECAUSE WE WILL NEED TO COOK DINNER ON THEM LATER, IF THAT HAPPENS.

And with that, Ben starts the clock.

Lindzi’s last chance has begun.

… Coming up, Part Two of Bachelor Recaps – The Finale.

You.  Talk?  Now?  Please.  In the comments?  While I finish Part 2… and maybe a Part 3 if life is extremely unfair…

P.S. – You already know this, but my sustenance is your feedback with these things, so I would love to hear it, you know, if you’re feeling charitable.

xoxo  - Alison

Addendum / P.P.S. – Lindzi is my fave, if you haven’t yet noticed.  And that’s why Part 2 is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever written in my entire adult life, including the time I wrote my signature on the document that authorized a man to cut out Bambino’s two life forces.

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps, Popular *New*

Love all of this...

35 comments

  1. Janna Lee on March 15, 2012

    LOVE IT! You are too funny. I feel you on the poking fun at single moms though. That’s a toughie (tuffy? toughy?) wth I’ve never had to spell that before.

    Reply
  2. Mindy on March 15, 2012

    I don’t watch The Bache (I’m trying to make “The Bache” a thing, which is weird since I don’t like the show), but your pics+comments crack me up.

    Reply
  3. Libby on March 15, 2012

    I thought of you when I heard the Matterhorn quote. And as for the cloaks, was it intentional that the bad girl had a white one? Am I reading into it too much??

    Reply
  4. Candice Cossel on March 15, 2012

    I don’t need to watch it cuz I have YOU!!! love it!

    Reply
  5. Tara @ Dashing in Pearls on March 15, 2012

    Is it just me or does Ben’s sister look like Khloe Kardashian? That’s all I could think of when she was talking! I would also like to be privy to the conversations that seemed to have won over his mom and sister. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

    Reply
  6. Meg on March 15, 2012

    I have to be totally honest because I love Courtney. Why? She’s exactly what I expect out of reality tv: vapid, shallow, lacking any morals, and completely, utterly unrealistic. Plus Ben is a douche (not cool? my bad) and I hope he and Courtney spend the rest of their lives saying “Ohmidad” and “Winning” while trying to get to buy their wine.
    This reminds, I would like to know what is the label of Ben’s wine so I don’t accidentally buy it.
    Thanks for the recaps :)

    Reply
  7. RH on March 15, 2012

    Am I the only one who doesn’t find him very attractive… Haha! I’m sad Lindzi didn’t win, she was so sweet. You’re hilarious, keep up the blogs!

    Reply
  8. Meghan on March 15, 2012

    Thank you for your suffering through this so I didn’t have to! I fast-forwarded half the show – I much prefer to read your recaps so that I can pretend the show might have been as good as your story-telling. Love it! Oh and any post that includes Bambino is a winner in my books ;)

    Reply
  9. Erin on March 15, 2012

    Great job, Alison! Could not agree more that Ben is the single worst bachelor EVAR. He has no regard for what anyone, his dates included, have to say if it’s not what he wants to hear. Also, I’m convinced that after how gross and sweaty his hair looked during his proposal to Ashley, he made sure to select a cold location for his finale. If Courtney does one good thing before they inevitably break up, I hope she convinces him to get a haircut and overhauls his horrendous wardrobe.

    Reply
  10. Janna (Sparkly Love) on March 15, 2012

    haha agree with Tara, sis-o-ben totally looks like khloe! can’t wait for part 2 :)

    Reply
  11. Tokay on March 15, 2012

    LOLLLL. i seriously stalk your website & twitter to see when these go up so i can enjoy a good laugh. too funny, and i didnt get the cloaks either. they were so cringe. especially on the girls in the end. im so glad this season is over as well! i cant wait for you to recap emily’s season and i totes get what you mean by not mocking her. its def an unspoken rule. haha. love your blog! it honestly makes my day! can’t wait for part 2!

    Reply
  12. Lena on March 15, 2012

    DYING. From Bambino to the cloaks, right down to that moment when you’re expecting sister to say, “…that she’s a f*cking crazy person and you like her” and instead she says, “WHEEEE! Model!!”

    WTF. But obviously all the cloaks and ridiculous flip flopping and outrageously poignant musical choices just goes to the next level in PT 2. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t do it. And certainly not the Emily season. I just hope she doesn’t pick the Courtney/Bentley/Vienna, because that girl doesn’t deserve any more nonsense.

    Reply
  13. Shaina on March 15, 2012

    Love it!! Might die without your recaps next season. Do it FOR LOVE!!

    Reply
  14. April on March 15, 2012

    Ben’s sister looks like Ben, right down to the OMG get a freakin haircut already. I’m sure she’s a lovely girl and I could totally see us being friends, sitting around talking catty about people until we’re forced to say they are JUST LOVELY on national TV.

    I too gave thought many times to ditching this season. It was just unbearably bad. Most of the time I would just turn it on and have it as background noise; and of course I wanted to be up on the haps so I could get all the jokes in your recaps. So basically, you’re my enabler. <3

    Reply
  15. Lauren on March 15, 2012

    I just love it. *love* per usual.

    Reply
  16. Rachel on March 15, 2012

    Where to begin… I loved the three or so prefaces and the ten (give or take a few) references to bambinos balls…or lack there of. Okay, I know they aren’t ‘celebrities’ but is it weird that I am so incredibly jealous that you watched the finale with bachelor alum (mostly ash spivey…and dreamy JP :)) I mean seriously, how cool was it?? You were the sole reason i was able to make it through this dreadful season and now I need you in my life so you have to do Emilys season! I’d imagine there will be plenty for you to mock while leaving her out of it! I wish ben would have done this show for the right reason…love, right? Or even just to show us he’s a decent person. He failed. Miserably. I know he can’t “tell them how he feels” but his responses to anyone but Courtney telling him they love him were appalling. I’d have an easier time faking it with Charles manson, but I also don’t suck at life! Anyway, on a scale of 1 to cloaks this recap has been amazeballs (did I do that right??) can’t wait for part 2!!

    Reply
  17. Erin on March 15, 2012

    Hilarious! I love the Slade Smiley reference and the “I wish this outfit would go missing” caption. Thanks for all the laughs this season!

    Reply
  18. Mallory on March 15, 2012

    First and foremost. Bambino. Cutest little puppeh!!! Second, I will be very sad if we (by “we” I mean myself and Zee German – my fiance – who GETS to listen to me read your posts aloud to him!) don’t have your hilarity to look forward to during Emily’s season. You could always do the dirty on her season’s dbags..err. .suitors. Then have guest bloggers or a highlight reel of twitter comments from your fans for any “constructive feedback” about the lovely single mommeh. Best of both worlds. You get to remain moral. We get your hilarious recaps.

    Lastly, I’m sorry but Ben’s sister looks like Ben with longer hair. And yes, sadly she could be part of the neanderthal family. AND what is up with the hair!? I’m a little scared for “Honey”. He may have watched too many episodes and now his views are all skewed based on the lesser of evils approach due to exposure to this season’s selection of bachelorettes.

    Reply
  19. Em on March 15, 2012

    I haven’t seen it yet, have it ready for a little Friday night viewing… Wow, how sad is MY life?!
    I just… I guess I just hoped that somewhere, somehow he’d see the light. See it and magically his REAL personality would appear, all charming and interesting. Unfortunately it seems that his real personality is the boring, cardboard “I can see myself with this person” monotone a-hole Ben that has been there all season. Seriously, I get that the show is edited, and maybe Courtney isn’t as awful in real life, and maybe LIDDLE BEHBEH doesn’t go around twirling batons all the time… but you’d think that they’d edit the most interesting parts of a person’s personaility, yes? And if THIS is the most exciting ben gets? Oh. My. Dad. I would die of boredem. But at least I’d be drunk I guess!
    Whether or not you do the updates any more, thank you so much for doing this season, I’ve loved every. single. post. xx

    Reply
  20. Brit @ Landlocked Bride on March 16, 2012

    I honestly have no words for his choice of Courtney. None. I wish I had something poignant to say, but alas, Ben’s ridiculousness took my breath away (and not in the good way).

    Reply
  21. Brit on March 16, 2012

    I gave up on this season when I heard it was Ben from the start, but I did not think it would be THIS painful to watch. I agree, I am glad its over…but I’m glad you’re recaps aren’t quite over cuz they make me happy. Way to spread the happiness into the rest of the week! :)

    And I’m sure you’ll have enough material among the men of Emily’s season, their drooling over her probably won’t stop until at least 4 episodes in so at least it’ll get ya one step further than your one joke for her.

    Reply
  22. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on March 16, 2012

    First of all, you’re planning a wedding now, you don’t have time for this Bachelor/ette nonsense. So I totally understand if you don’t do it next season. But when I get fat b/c the only weekly exercise I get is from literally laughing my ass off at your recaps, that’s on you. Seriously, imma gonna miss these. imma NOT gonna miss boring ben and his weird lady hair.

    PS- I showed my hubs how long your recaps are and he said, ‘holy shit! does she get paid for that!?’ I said, not enough :) xx

    Reply
  23. Suzanne on March 16, 2012

    I love it.. thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  24. Lauren on March 16, 2012

    Okay I know I already commented, but like you know, that’s bc A) I told you to put it up B) you put it up and I was already going to a dinner and like C) you said it didn’t have a lot of comments… so then I was well, responsible, ya know? Anyway, seeing as how now I am not at a dinner party anymore, I can really read it and comment and all. Whew. This is like really hard for me, Alison. It’s like, when guys cry I feel like total crap. And like, to see Ben cry from all the tabs, twitter, and everything it’s like, dang. On the one hand I’m like you knew, you’ve seen the show and you’ve been to a grocery store, so it’s your fault! But then I’m like, oh crap, now he’s crying. So I’mma be honest and say it was hard to go straight from the tears to you reaming him again ( I KNOW, I KNOW.) That being said, he and his family are both very different from me. They are more reserved (except when they skinny dip) and a little cold (rich). But whatever, I’m just rambling now. I LOVED what you said about LindZI (WHO BTW ADMITTED IT’S REALLY SPELLED LINDSEY ON JIMMY KIMMEL OMG I’M DYING) and how she gossiped without sounding like a bad guy. She totally mind trapped me into thinking she was so cool and nice. So it’s like you just woke me from the hypnotic state and I was all, OH NO SHE DIDN’T. But whatever, this season is over. Why do I watch this show?

    Reply
  25. Casey on March 16, 2012

    Yes! I am so glad to be finishing out this season with you + your recaps. I am so happy – probably not as happy as a honey getting a beej, but pretty happy. And those CLOAKS wowowowowow. Next up – black gloves??

    Reply
  26. Katrina on March 16, 2012

    Hey Alison. I know I’ve never commented on any of your posts before (jerk, I know ) But my favorite part of watching the bachelor is reading your recaps! I sit down with a nice cup of tea and laugh and laugh and laugh over all you have to say about it and then look forward to the next show so I can do it all over again. You set the mood to my day! ;) Please please continue your recaps for Emily’s season. Just make fun of the guys, you can leave Emily alone!

    Also, congrats on your engagement! I just got married in July and the time leading up to and the day of the wedding were the best days of my life. I hope you’re enjoying it too!

    Reply
  27. Ella on March 16, 2012

    OH MY GOODNESS. I have to say I love love love (yeah, triple, that’s how much) your writing style. I am so incredibly jealous of how witty you are. I can’t believe things like that just pop into your head. So yeah, this is amazing. I found your web site through these bachelor recaps and I’ve gone on to read other posts just because I enjoy the way you write. (that was repetitive…). So please keep them up. It makes my whole day at work better when I look in the morning and see you’ve posted one of these gems.

    On another note, Ben sucks. I knew he sucked when he pitched a big whiney fit when Ashley didn’t pick him and he some how expected the girls to react better when he was rejecting them. Actually, I knew he sucked when he kissed like a goldfish on Ashley’s season. And I thought the cloaks were OUT OF CONTROL in the worst possible way.

    Reply
  28. Anna Sass on March 16, 2012

    First… Where did than angel of a ball-less pup descend from? I still maintain he needs to get right up on the modeling scene (there must be a way to keep him humble)… On this recap.. I’m going to borrow Ben’s words (because as we know, he moonlights as a wordsmith) ‘monumental mountain, monumental [recap]‘ On a scale from 1 to thank you, I can’t imagine spending my time stuck at this desk Doing anything other than shaking with silent laughter tucked behind my computer screen.

    Reply
  29. Raychel Wade on March 17, 2012

    While this was just fabulous, I am much more interested in Operation Balls to the Walls Bambino. On a scale of one to ten, this season was like watching hair, er, paint dry. BUT I got to meet you!

    Reply
  30. GallopingGourmet on March 19, 2012

    I have been refreshing this page every 10 minutes for the past three days in the hope of seeing part two.

    … waiting …

    As for Emily, I am a single mom and I think that I speak for all single moms when I say: BRING IT!

    Reply
  31. katie on March 21, 2012

    part 2, please! please please please!

    Reply
  32. Lauren on March 26, 2012

    yayayaya for pt2

    Reply
  33. Mark on December 2, 2012

    The pictures are abtelusoly beautiful. It was a great day to celebrate the love of two wonderful people and you caught their love for each other in all the pictures. Great Job!

    Reply
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