DEAR TKB + PUPPIES, GOSSIP ‘n’ POLE DANCING FOR SPORT | Miss M: “My maid of honor is making my engagement experience terrible.”

Bambino has a lot of ‘Rose from Titanic laying seductively in the nude while being painted by her love interest‘ moments, during the day.

So much so, that we’ve decided to give in to what is clearly an innate talent and take his career in a new direction.  I didn’t tell you guys this, but he’s been looking for work ever since I fired him as my assistant a while back, because he was spending more time acting like he was being productive when I would walk by his cubicle, than actually doing any work.  It was like, do you work for The Knotty Bride, or do you work for the people who created the Words with Friends app? because you’re on that iphone every time I look over at your desk.

It was enough.

So, since as his mother I can’t see past the scope of my own interests and missed opportunities, I’m in talks with a couple of networks who want to put little Bambino McPuppypants onto the metaphorical (and then later real life strip club version of) center stage, so he can finally start flaunting that undeniable ’come hither’ sexy puppy vibe he’s got and we’re not profiting from.  It’s everything I ever dreamed for my life-HIS, I meant to say HIS life, haha, dreamed for his life.  It’s like the Bad Parenting Gods have bestowed upon me my very own Honey Boo Boo Child, only this one has fur, and can’t complain to me all day long about how he “never gets to hang out with his friends now that he’s Pretty Puppy Supreme,” or how he “doesn’t like spray tanning/putting on makeup/wearing flippers/using breast-tape anymore,” or how he “wants a normal life,” or “feels competing for meaningless titles in pageants at such a tender age is killing him emotionally, and that something dies inside of him every time he competes.”  Or how “putting me, Bambino, your child, in a beauty pageant at the age of one-year-old is probably going to be a prosecutable offense under future Child Endangerment laws.”

Bambino is such a complainer.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to help Bambo go far in the entertainment business.  I’m even apprenticing over at the Kardashian Kacting Kagency, and I’m enrolled in their Krash Kourse for K’Pimping Xuccessfully.

Omigod, that reminds me.  Have you heard about this?– People with a lot of time on their hands are all a twitter about how Jon Hamm called Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian “f**king idiots,” and it wasn’t in a conversation with his cats inside of a soundproofed panic room.  Rather, he said it PUBLICLY… and on two occasions; asked about it a week later, he said “I don’t really understand the appeal of it other than that car-crash sensibility,” and, “it’s not something that I partake in or enjoy, but it is what it is and here we are.”

And I was about to go pour a fresh cup of pomegranate-Botswanian-fly tea into my vintage teacup and snuggle in under a chevron throw for some light reading on a [latest digital reading device that is euthanizing the print industry], when I noticed a link to a pole-dancing story coming in from a publication called the International Business Times.  <– Makes sense.  Apparently a one-armed Australian woman recently won the International Pole-Dancing Championship.

Whiicchhh… is really kind of a *win-lose* situation if you ask me.

But then again who am I, right?  Who am I, who goes and lets herself actually write jokes like this inside of her blog posts and then doesn’t see the need to edit them out before clicking Publish.

Oh and thennnn I read how this International Pole Championship was kind of a real thing, that it took place in Hong Kong, and what her name was, and all these various other details that led me to the realization that this was a real story, not a hoax.  And I was like, I for one certainly don’t remember hearing about the monumental day when Man finally figured out how to remove that annoying shame factor from the act of watching women pole-dance.  Wow, so pole-dancing is a legit sport now, huh.  The kind with fans?  [Fans being defined as any adult male who has realized there is a legit sport now called "Pole."]  DAAY-YUMM!  I wonder when that holiday happened, and which day the government decided was the appropriate date for its nationally recognized holiday, because it totally wasn’t reported on enough!

In other news, here’s the relevant content of this post.

Dear TKB:

Where to begin. My maid of honor, my closest friend for the past 6 years, is making my engagement experience terrible! First, I knew all along that she is an insecure person and perhaps a little selfish. I get that, we all can be, but I can’t take it anymore! In the past seven months of being engaged I think she’s asked me about my wedding twice. She never calls or texts to ask about me or if there’s anything she can do or even just to go get dinner! At a bridal show she came to, she was texting the whole time and ran into another friend and walked off with them! When we went trying on bridesmaid dresses, she came and as soon as I barely parked back home she had to go immediately without coming in and even asking about my wedding plans. My other bridesmaid came in, looked at samples invites, wedding shoes etc. My MOH said she found out what my shoes looked like through BM but MOH has NEVER asked me one detail! And the icing on the cake, she knew for 3 weeks I had my first bridal fitting and I wanted her to come to see and look at bridesmaid dresses. She told me she would probably cry when she saw me in my dress. But the day before she says she needs to be home an hour after my appointment that is an hour and half drive away!! She knew for three weeks and I had called her on that Monday and left a voicemail, texted her to remind her on that Wednesday as well. I mean, not to assume anything but I thought she wanted to see me in my dress?! I’ve cried numerous times, written an email I wanted to send and just take the brunt all the while I’m planning a wedding! HELP! What would you do?!

Sincerely,

-M.

Dear Miss M,

Omigod get rid of that friend.  Is what I was thinking throughout that whole thing.  BUT, the only reason that is not going to be my answer today is because you shared that she’s been your “closest friend for the past 6 years.”  However, you also shared ”I knew all along that she is an insecure person and perhaps a little selfish… I get that, we all can be, but I can’t take it anymore!”  So!  Armed with that background information, I must first ask you to think about your answer to this question: how good of a friend has she been to you throughout those six years?  Has your relationship, for the vast majority of the time, been fulfilling, positive and supportive on both sides– especially in more recent years?

If your answer is “No” – then I’m afraid to say my initial gut response of “get rid of that friend” is kind of my best advice here.  I’m not sure which way the readers are going to go on this (and I look forward to seeing what their opinions are); so know that that’s just MY personal feeling of the best course of action.

However, if your answer is “Yeah, our friendship has been awesome” - then here’s some nuanced advice:

Since your maid of honor has been a good friend for a long time, there are any number of reasons for her to be behaving in this pretty abhorrent manner.  All behavior is relative to what is going on in the life and mind of the person exhibiting the behavior, I want to make that clear.  However, THAT SAID, lemme point out, very briefly, three possibilities of what’s at play here…

Possibility A: your new life step might be having an unexpected impact on her, and she might be pitying herself over not having a wedding to plan and a marriage to embark on yet.  If that’s the case, there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT.  That’s on her.  If she can’t get out of that funk, all you can do is tell her you’ll support her, but that you can’t have her behaving so negatively around you anymore, because it’s bringing you down.

Possibility B: she might be having her period nonstop for the last however-many months.  I get a little bitchy during my lady shark week, so.  Of course, I’m kidding.  But we’ve been having a very serious conversation here for a while so I wanted to break up the flow.  Ok, back to serious.

Possibility C: she might be having a very unsavory reaction, of disliking you for no other reason than that of you now being the one getting all the attention.  If she’s used to getting most of the attention, this is a real possibility.

(I can’t help but also mention that I have this sneaking suspicion that when she told you “she would probably cry when she saw [you] in [your] dress,” she was quite possibly referring to her personal reaction over not being the one in it.  I could be wrong, obvs., but I get these gut feelings, and that was my gut feeling.)

Now, if you’re emotionally prepared to take any action here… and I hope you are… I think the best and only thing to do is confront her.  I think this is best done in person, because feelings just get conveyed and interpreted best in person between friends.  But if that’s not something you can see yourself actually doing, then you can do it in an email– like that email you mentioned you wrote to her, but never sent.  If you choose an email, I think it might be wise to have someone close to you read it over before you click send, only because we can often come off a lot more aggressive/unfriendly than we realize in email correspondence.  Though she’s been working that *unfriendly* angle like it’s going out of style, so I wanna leave it to you, how honest and upset you decide you should to get in that email.

One last thing.  I’m sorry, I feel like I should be offering you more constructive advice, I usually offer so much more longwinded advice.  But I’m hoping on my readers to give you some more useful stuff to work with, because honestly, the whole way through that, FORREALS, all I could think was, “why is this girl still in her life?!”  Let alone still your maid of honor.

Because if she were my maid of honor?  She’d be alone coughing, because she’d be standing in a cloud of my dust.  And I’d be miles away walking to bridal appointments with a friend who actually gives a shit about me and the things that make me happy.

Toxic toxic toxic.

-Alison

So, my loves…

1. Do you have any advice or thoughts regarding Miss M’s predicament?

2. Do you think it’s probably best that today is Friday, given where my mind was able to go today, in this post?

Happy weekend!  - Alison

P.S. – the title of this post used to be: “So it turns out wedding planning is going to mean a lot *more* borderline inappropriate blog posts, as opposed to the previously expected, *a lot less*.”

P.P.S. – It’s apparently National Puppy Day so I gave him top billing.  Because he deserves it.  The way he puts up with my constant desire to play, eat, walk, eat, play, walk, eat, walk, play, eat and walk.

Oh wait, that’s wrong.  It’s the other way around.

O_o

Label(s): "DEAR TKB..." Advice Column, Color, White

Love all of this...

14 comments

  1. Estefy on March 23, 2012

    I was having the same reaction! Well I was conflicted as I read to be honest. Part of me was like wtf is wrong with this girl…eff her get another MOH. The other was like I wonder if she’s keeping something serious from you and it’s coming of bitchy and downright rude. Whatever the case, I agree with Alison, talk talk talk. I personally am an email person because, I can write out my thoughts and then reread and make sure it all makes sense whereas in person my mind jumbles and I just cry. I hope everything works out tho! Either way, even if she’s not realizing how awful she’s being you may need to get a new MOH.

    Reply
  2. Stephanie M. on March 23, 2012

    I agree about confronting her personally. And I would go into it open-minded, with either choice a possibility. If she relents, hug and make up. If she sticks to her selfish ways (which I agree with being toxic), then politely say that you need someone else who can enjoy and support you on your day.

    I will give two scenarios I have been in. For my wedding, I picked my shoes and my bridesmaids shoes from the same store. My MOH saw mine and asked if she could go with those. I said no. She asked to compromise and dye hers, I still said no. I told her she was free to buy them and wear them at her wedding. And that’s what she did!

    My other bff got married, and had two MOH. She didn’t want to choose between her two fave girls. Great! But her other was arranging everything without consulting me and according to her own schedule. She insisted she had a baby to consider. Well, I have three. It came to head, I talked with bride, expressing my frustration and overall feeling of being disregarded as her MOH too, and she confronted the girl. (I personally didn’t know her since I live in another state now.) I didn’t get to have anything to do with the bachelorette party, much less attend. I was hurt. But my friend sat her friend down and talked with her, and when I arrived in AZ, her other MOH apologized, had me in with all the last minute plans, and we got along great.

    It just takes a little maturity. If she can’t be mature, then I suggest moving on.

    Reply
  3. Jenn on March 23, 2012

    My immediate thought is that this MOH is trying to distance herself from M. because she is afraid of losing her after the wedding.

    I have a friend who does this quite frequently to other girlfriends when they first get involved with a guy. She assumes that they will be totally involved and have no time for anyone but each other. After she realizes this is not (always) the case, she comes back. She also is very insecure and requires a lot of reassurance about relationships.

    Just a thought! Either way you guys need a good heart to heart & I hope it all works out. It can be exhausting having a friend like this, especially at a time when you really need her to be supportive.

    Reply
  4. Daisy on March 23, 2012

    I was in a pickle similar to this,. When my partner and i first got engaged it was all very exciting and it was assumed my friend would be maid of honour as we’ve been friends for 8 years and always spoke about it when we were young. The thing was I really wanted my little sister to be my maid of honour, so I spoke to my friend and agreed be a bridesmaid. I then didn’t hear from her for months. We were planning away, and i never even heard from her let alone see her. I’d text and text, yet only occasionally get a response All other friends where excited but nothing from this friend. The final straw came when I asked her to go out one night with myself and a few other friends and heard nothing Whilst out, I saw her with a group of her other friends. It was very awkward, and she barely spoke to me. Another friend pointed out to me the girl was supposed to be my bridesmaid and we couldn’t even hold conversation. So I decided she did not deserve such a big part of our day when she’s had no interest.
    I tried to contact her to arrange a meeting but surprise surprise, no response. So I texted to explain. She told me she didn’t want to attend the wedding and to give her invitation to someone else. Also she how selfish I was and how much she was looking forwards to having such a birtn our big day, and how I’d ruined it.
    So good luck!!

    Reply
  5. Stefanie on March 23, 2012

    I hate to point this out but not every girl really likes weddings, or enjoys planning events, or cares about the color of table runners. Some people just don’t. Or maybe they are interested but only up to a point and they don’t really want to talk wedding all the time. It doesn’t mean they’re not extremely happy for you that you’re getting married. The thing about weddings is we expect everything to go perfectly and that things will be like we always imagined it would be. But sometimes, it’s just like normal life. And that’s okay. I say, if your friend has continued to be a good friend to you in other ways, just appreciate her for the friend she is and stop expecting her to be the maid of honour you always wanted because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. Maybe you have another bridesmaid who would love to talk wedding with you any time, any day. Let your friends do what they’re best at. Otherwise, this could ruin a perfectly good friendship. Best of luck to you!

    Reply
  6. Alyssa on March 23, 2012

    I agree with Stefanie. After reading the situation, all I could think was that the bride herself seemed very selfish. Maybe the MOH doesn’t like weddings enough to talk about them all the time. Maybe she stopped calling or talking as much because ALL the conversations centered around weddings and nothing else. If my friend couldn’t hold a conversation without bringing something about weddings up, I’d distance myself too.
    I wouldn’t confront her so much as have a conversation with her. Has the bride even asked about what is going on in the MOH’s life since the wedding planning started? Is she having problems in her own personal life? Problems at work? Maybe she doesn’t want to bring them up because she doesn’t want to ruin the bride’s engagement time.
    I think it’s selfish to be upset that she refuses to fit into the bride’s ideal of a MOH. Life comes up, and may even be more important than wedding planning (especially if it’s not her wedding). Definitely talk to her, but to assume that she’s a bad friend because she’s not as into weddings as the bride.

    Reply
  7. Catherine on March 24, 2012

    Definitely give the friendship a health check! Have a conversation, talk through the past of the friendship, how things have been recently, what you had hoped for from her as your MoH and why she isn’t/whether she can be that, and what is going on with her. Once you have all the information you can make a call on whether this is just a rough patch and you two can get through it and be better than ever, or of it really has turned toxic and it’s time to get out. It’s a tough call, and I wish you luck in working through it!

    Catherine

    Reply
  8. April on March 24, 2012

    While reading this, I took away the complaint of “she doesn’t want to talk about MY wedding and MY dress!” Which, as a bride, I get – that’s important to you and you want your MOH to be just as excited. But man it is hard to get excited about someone else’s big day. You, as the bride, may not realize it; but are you maybe being a bit too wedding-centric? If she is your friend, she probably wants to do and talk about those things you did before – and if now all you want is to talk about weddings, she’s probably miffed herself. I think a serious conversation is in order; and most important is for the bride to realize she has a role in this too. Don’t attack your MOH, just start off with “Hey, I feel like you’re not really loving the wedding thing – can we talk?” and see where it goes.

    Reply
  9. Lena on March 24, 2012

    Not to jump on Miss M, who is no doubt a supremely sweet girl, but I wasn’t sure MOH was totally at fault here, too. The bottom line–no one is going to care as much about your wedding as you. And yes, everyone would hope that your MOH is crafting tiny cocktail flags and outrageous chair decor, but the reality is that everyone has a life. Now obviously MOH isn’t enjoying this new chapter in Miss M’s life, and that deserves a conversation, but I think she should do it without her bridal hat on, and just be a friend. After all, you wouldn’t have asked this girl to be your MOH unless you adored her, and you shouldn’t expect more from her than is reasonable.

    That said, Miss M, if she generally makes you feel awful, routinely ignores you or issues you need to talk about, doesn’t spend time with you unless she needs/wants something, then yeah, this may all be coming to a head thanks to wedding related stress and she’s not the kind of friend you deserve. I’ve had to cut loose some relationships like that, and while it’s never easy, it’s hard to be someone’s emotional support without the favor returned.

    Reply
  10. Ashley on March 25, 2012

    Friendship really require’s a healthy check up always.

    Reply
  11. Diana on March 25, 2012

    K, first off- LOL. Those shots of bambino are hilarious. How do you catch him in poses so precious?? :)

    As for Miss M, I think she has to have a heart to heart ASAP with her moh. Both of them are upset, and it needs to be talked out. And if they’re such good friends, it shouldn’t be such a big deal to bring up. I get the sense that the friendship might not be as open as once thought, but that’s not all that unusual in friendships, to have hidden undertones that haven’t yet surfaced. So I’d even say that putting all those feelings on the table now, will serve to make the relationship even closer. Or end it….but that’s worse case scenario.

    Good luck, Miss m, whatever you do! (And congratulations on your wedding!!)

    Reply
  12. First things first, Bambino is a saucy minx, and I love it.

    As to the Dear TKB letter….I have to completely disagree with a lot of the advice. (Sorry…I still love you?)

    Based on Miss M’s letter, it kind of sounds like the only reason she’s upset is because her MOH isn’t as excited about her wedding as SHE is. I’m afraid I have to tell you that NO ONE is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. It is not your MOH’s job to ask you every time she sees you what’s up with your impending nuptials. This is not her day. It’s your day.

    I wonder if maybe you are the one who only ever wants to talk about your wedding, and maybe she’s just (a little) bored by the topic. Her life is going to continue to go on regardless of when/where/why you get married, and you can’t expect her to change her whole life around for you.

    Obviously, you know this girl a lot better than anyone reading this blog, so if your gut tells you that you are NOT being an obnoxious, self-centered friend, and it really is your MOH with the bitter stick stuck up her butt, that’s your call. But either way, it would probably go a long way if you made plans with your friend (remember? what she was BEFORE she was your MOH?) to just get lunch, get your nails done, and do everything in your power NOT to bring up the wedding. Talk about HER life. Talk about what you talked about BEFORE someone put a ring on your finger.

    In short, be the friend you want her to be. I really hope that helps, and congrats on the upcoming wedding!

    Reply
  13. Meghan on March 26, 2012

    I have to disagree with some of the latest comments – I don’t think the bride is being selfish by being upset that someone she asked to HONOUR her is not following through.

    When one agrees to be the MOH for a close friend, one is committing to being part of the wedding planning and all things that come with it. Regardness of whether or not the MOH is interested in weddings or dresses or whatever, she is not being supportive of her friend. It is one thing to not want to talk about a wedding that isn’t hers 24×7, but it is another thing altogether to miss out on things that the bride has clearly made known are important, such as dress fittings.

    I have been MOH three times. Two of those three, I was fresh off a breakup of a long relationship with a guy I was sure I would marry, and my heart was shattered. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about weddings and the like, but you know what? I sucked it up because those girls were important to me, and just because I wasn’t happy in my romantic life doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be happy for them.

    Bottom line: you shouldn’t agree to support your friend in one of the most important experiences of her life if you can’t be happy for her.

    Reply
  14. Jenn on March 27, 2012

    Preach, Meghan!! I completely agree!
    Being MOH is basically agreeing to be selfless and 100% supportive of the bride.
    That doesn’t mean that she needs to be up the bride’s ass or at her place every minute of every day planning. But it does mean that at a bridal show, she should get off her damn phone, be with the bride, & at least pretend to enjoy it. It also couldn’t hurt to be at the gown fitting that she knew about 3 WEEKS in advance (there is no excuse)!
    Miss M., I do not think that you are asking for too much here. She needs to be at least a little courteous. I wouldn’t expect any bridesmaid to act like this, let alone your MOH. You deserve a good, supportive best friend, especially at this time of your life. If homegirl can’t be that for you, ya gotta ditch her. It may end up being a huge weight off your shoulders.
    Hope you have a beautiful wedding!!

    Reply

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