GIRL TALK: The Things They Don’t Tell You About Living Together. | By Bloggista Cassie, of Meet Mrs. B!

Friends, loved ones, enemies, lurkers, pen pals, and guy in my area whose Wi-Fi network is called ‘THAT Uncle,’ I welcome all of you here on this lovely Wednesday afternoonish/eveningish.  Please, steep thy tea, or brew thy coffee, or slap thy Nicorette patch ontoeth thy shoulder… whatever your poison, sit back, sip it/drink it/absorb it into your skin and stay a while, because we’ve got to address something today.       

First point of business: if you’re one of the smart ones and therefore follow me on Twitter, you might remember me saying that “I want to jump into a ball pit, except instead of plastic balls, I want it to be filled with chocolate macarons.”  I found a visual of how this would manifest; it’s not exact, but it definitely gives you an idea:

–Except imagine a blonde girl with fair skin, about 5’4″ waving hi to you, instead of that kitten.  And instead of the marshmallows, there are macarons.  So essentially completely not that image.  The image above except with no similarities.  Ok hope that clears things up.  Also, anyone willing to build this?  I lined up three investors with a single tweet about it, soooo.  Feels like a moneymaker to me.  Go, take that idea and run with it.  I am practically handing it to you, for the low low price of 50% of the earnings.  Don’t waste this– my ideas, they are like Apple stock (according to my Mom).

Now, onto the second point of business, which is that I have something to admit to you.  Ok here it is, here I go admitting it.  It’s going to happen any second now.  Ok I’m ready, it’s that… it’s that… there are just some things I cannot bring myself to say, in writing.  At least not here on this blog anyway.  So, what happens when I don’t want to talk about something most of us are used to keeping private?  Or when I don’t feel comfortable talking about some especially sensitive topic?  (Or have been FORBIDDEN is also one?)

… well.  THAT my friends, is where Cassie (who also has a blog, called Meet Mrs. B) comes in… aka, our newest bloggista.

Because, even though–if you’re a reader–you’re probably thinking right now “wait, there are actually things she DOESN’T feel at ease discussing on this blog?”  believe me, I get it, I feel you on that.  I talk about everything from the art of the first look to the art of the finger bang (you know, when your finger tries out bangs and you have to lie and say they look great; that thing, not the other thing).  This I know, it is not lost on me.  STILL, the time has come.  The time has come to welcome yet another Knotty Bloggista to the scene, a bloggista who has that writing thing I’m still figuring out down to an art.

… but who’s main quality in my eyes is her ability to touch on topics of conversation that I simply…… well, I simply cannot due to the aforementioned multitude of factors.

But the “my fiance would probably kill me” factor, mostly.

Ladies and gentlemen and genius literate babies out there (because everybody’s baby’s a genius amirite)……. meet CASSIE:

Hello friends!! I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am to be writing for TKB…so let me first break it down like this:

I first got the word that I’d be a bloggista while on my lunch break, eating a chocolate cupcake with about an inch and a half high mound of pink frosting on it. And I have to say that the email I got from Alison was the BEST part of my lunch. :) TKB is what I want my blog to be when it grows up, so this is HUGE HUGE HUGE for me! As an avid reader of all things Knotty, I KNOW you guys can handle what I’m about to bring to you, and I can’t wait to share my tales of just moving-in-with-my-love-and-still-figuring-out-the-kinks-of-cohabitation with you! (Thanks Alison! You’re the best!)

Let me just start off this blog post by saying, “hi…my name is Cassie, and we should be friends.” I should also start off this post by apologizing to (and THANKING) the wonderful man in my life, Timmy, for letting me put our life on display. Now let us get into it…shall we?

The things they don’t tell you about Happily Ever After…

One of the FIRST things you will learn quickly when moving in with the love of your life is not how handsome he looks when he’s getting ready in the morning. It is not even that he takes up waaay more closet space than he initially let on. Nor is it the fact that he likes to watch weird Japanese cartoons. Oh no…

He farts.

And I mean…like…he REALLY farts.

^^^^Very similar to my real life conversations with Timmy^^^^

You know how you know your guy is the smelly guy? When all his BROS know he’s the smelly guy. You know how you know your guy is the smelly guy? When at all his family get-togethers the conversation SOMEHOW comes around to he’s the smelly guy. You know how you know your guy is the smelly guy? When you comment at the lack of smelly that has been around the house.

And THAT is my guy…

There have been many MANY times where I’ve looked Timmy in the eye and straight UP asked him, “What is WRONG with you??” I often joke with him that he waited until he knew it was too late for me…I was too in love with him, and now I was stuck with him and his stench. The poor guy would hold it all in when we first started dating because he was afraid of scaring me off, but it would end up giving him RIDICULOUSLY painful stomach aches.

Does this remind anyone else of the scene in The Vow…where the beloved Leo farts in front of Paige for the very first time, and she rolls the car windows UP? Now I’m not saying that we need to go to those extremes, but here are some foolproof ground rules you can use to make it through those smelly afternoons. (Did I say foolproof? Baahhahaha…I’ll let you be the judge!)

  1. Don’t let him fart in the bed. That stuff stays on the sheets, and your room won’t smell pretty anymore.
  2. Make him go in the BATHROOM to do that…the ONLY room in the house where that business belongs. And if he feels like being a gentleman, he’ll turn on the fan in there too.
  3. Along those same lines, don’t let him fart in the kitchen. I don’t know about you…but that just SHOULDN’T be anywhere near where I’m prepping food.
  4. Pretend like it doesn’t actually happen. Although, over the course of fifty some years, that might be a little hard.
  5. And IF the unthinkable happens, and you should happen to pass gas in front of him, for the love of all that is ladylike…don’t own up to it. Or cover it up with a cough…any maybe…just MAYBE…he’ll think it’s kind of cute when you do it.
  6. Forgive him.

Of course I say these things in jest (mostly).

What I have learned is that there are times where you’ll want to be romantic, and it just doesn’t happen – because he’s lactose intolerant, and he decided to drink a glass of chocolate milk that night. And maybe you’ll want to get it on and snuggle up on top of him, and he’ll inform you that his bladder is full. The biggest thing you need to learn about moving in together is that LIFE gets in the way of all those romantic things you dreamed about for your happily ever after. But the downright truth of it is, no matter how smelly men are, and how disgusting the car rides can get… they always get the cutest apologetic look on their faces because they REALLY are sorry.

So, what does your guy do that irks you?  And what sort of ground rules have you set up with your honeys?  Let’s talk about our (occasionally smelly) men together.

xoxo  - Cassie | Meet Mrs. B (@MeetMrsBTweets)

images courtesy of: LolzBook
lead image: a sneak peek from the latest Bridal Market shows we attended, as shot by Isabelle Selby Photography

Isabelle Selby Photography is a member of Vendor Love.  Click here to view this listing, or explore the guide.

Label(s): Cassie, Girl Talk, The Bloggistas, {Happily Ever After}

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18 comments

  1. Ah this post made me laugh so hard. My hubby has that problem too and I just about died reading the part about farting in the kitchen and your hubby holding in his fart so much that it gave him stomachaches. Too funny and SO much like my own life.

    Reply
  2. Sav on April 25, 2012

    I happen to find nothing wrong with farting in front of your mates, friends, etc.
    I think it’s actually fun and hilarious to witness. And I feel that being comfortable with your mate is important, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed when you do something that *everyone* does.
    Making someone leave the room to fart just makes things awkward and uncomfortable, and I think it’s a little ridiculous.
    It’s natural and we shouldn’t be so ashamed of our bodies.
    Sure they don’t smell great all the time, but light a candle if it’s that bad.
    I think it’s kind of ridiculous to make women feel like they should be embarrassed or ashamed to (heaven forbid) fart in front of their significant other.

    Reply
  3. Alison on April 25, 2012

    Sav – I feel you, really I do, I totally get where you’re coming from and I am a full-fledged fan of just being natural and comfortable with your body in front of loved ones. Sooo important.

    But also, you should probably come over to my place and *experience* the impact that a ‘reckless abandon’ policy on farting has on a person’s daily life. It is, at the very least, unpleasant. Hilariously unpleasant, but unpleasant nonetheless. ;)

    Reply
  4. gigi on April 25, 2012

    “Passing wind,” as my British friend labels this act, is natural. However, if possible, it is thoughtful to redirect that wind.

    Reply
  5. Chelsea on April 25, 2012

    Oh, lord. Farting + Long term relationships. I totally support your rule about farting and not owning up to it. That should be some sorta covenant, IMO.

    I think most everybody’s been there (men and women alike) when, early in a relationship, we hold in gas/any colon issue until we fear we might die of a sudden onset of IBS. Oy, the things we do for love.

    Sorry for all the fart/bowel talk. Uber amusing blog posts, thanks, Cassie!

    Reply
  6. Cassie | Meet Mrs. B on April 26, 2012

    HOORAY!!!!!

    I should make it known that when Timmy announced that his infamous bowel movements were going to be the topic of a wedding blog to his co-workers, they high-fived him right in front of me.

    He is legendary in his own right…I told you…you know how you know your guy is the smelly guy? When his BROS know he’s the smelly guy…and he’s the smelliest one of the bunch!!

    P.S. His nickname is now Lieutenant Methane. SUPER attractive.

    Reply
  7. Ashley on April 26, 2012

    Cassie – I feel you girl! I am engaged to a smelly one myself. However, he’s never held it in. He was pooping with the door open two weeks after we started dating. I’m not sure why that didn’t scare me off! But at least I knew what I was getting into. I remember I was do embarrassed the first time I farted in front of him!! I had to sneeze and it just can’t out – I wanted to hide under the covers. And he teases me about it for days.

    I agree with one of your rules and I hold firm on it… ABSOLUTELY no farting in the kitchen or at the dinner table!!

    Reply
    • Cassie | Meet Mrs. B on April 26, 2012

      Oooh….yeaaahhh…

      I draw the line at an open door dump. : ( Thankfully, Timmy does too. Haha.

      Reply
    • francine on April 26, 2012

      hahaha, pooping with the door open!!! i wish i was that comfortable with pooping/farting around other people!!

      ps. my fiance’s a smelly one too… and it just cracks me up!!!

      Reply
  8. kelli on April 26, 2012

    This post is the gospel truth.

    Reply
  9. Koru Kate ⎨Koru Wedding⎬ on April 26, 2012

    farting- not so much a problem. snoring- VERY much a problem. i suppose every relationship has its trials & tribulations :-)

    Reply
    • theknottybride on April 26, 2012

      Kate – PREACH girl. Snoring is a legitimate situation in our house, too, just as legit as any farting situation. And, like farting– too legit to quit. :“(

      Reply
  10. Lena on April 26, 2012

    Absolutely cracking up. And Cassie, she’s a keeper–not just because she puts up with the Smelly Guy, although that should probably earn her some sort of highly prized and expensive perfume.

    I feel embarrassed to admit that the things that drive me crazy about John are so impossibly NICE–he makes the bed every morning (even if we’re running late), he helps strangers (even if I’ve got just as many grocery bags and the subway doors are also closing on me) and he never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, which means that occasionally I’m not the center of his/the universe. Tough life, really.

    Reply
  11. Crystal Abadie Photography on April 26, 2012

    Love your work!

    Reply
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