GIRL TALK: I Have a Secret Single Behavior. | By Knotty Bloggista Cassie, Survival Guide Bride

Hey lovers.  Happy Monday afternoon.  I hope you all had lovely/relatively enjoyable/tolerable weekends over the holiday, puppy and kitty parents included!  Anybody get married this weekend?  I brought Bambino to visit his grandma (and by association, grandpa) in the country, and I don’t know which one of them enjoyed it more:  

They’re sweet together.  It’s actually cuter than even those pictures show, if that’s even possible.  They’re like old college friends; they just *get* one another and can spend hours reliving the good times.  And you know what?  I live to carry Bambino wike uh whittle newborn behbehkins, the way he lets my Mom.  But, instead of loving it like in my dreams for him, he reacts by rigor-mortising his entire body as if to say, “please believe that I am several hours dead and just leave me alone right side up, I beg of you, smothering woman.”  It’s a HUGE bummer.  But I digress… especially since we’ve got SSBs to discuss.  Oh, are you familiar with SSBs?  Well, whether or not you are, I’m extremely excited to let you know that Cassie’s come back to TKB today to share yet another highly embarrassing story about life as a couple once you’ve moved in together.  And once you’ve enjoyed laughing at hers, I encourage you to share your own Secret Single Behaviors in the comments… because you all KNOW you have at least ONE.  Don’t act all coy like you’re a real live Betty Draper except without all that jealousy that comes out in her therapy sessions.  (NOTE: I am up to Episode 2 in Season 2 of Mad Men, so I’m still on the blonde wife Draper.  PLEASE, no spoilers beyond the spoiler I gave myself when I turned on a recent episode by accident to find he has a new wife!  Thanks in advance.)  

But yeah, I wanna hear your secret behaviors, not only because it’s amazing how cleansing it is to tell the world, but also because I like juicy details.  And I delight in taking a break from spilling the weirdo beans in my life and reading about some of yours.  :)  ’Course, if you’re shy, you can always just dish on your friend’s secret habits.  This is the internet – she’ll never find out.  ;)

Take it away, Cassie!

When Moving In Together Makes You Realize You Are Weird

Now that I’m living with the love of my life, I’m beginning to realize that I’m a little…weird.

You see, I have this thing I do…  I’m just going to say it.

I have a secret single behavior.  I have SSB…  You’ve probably already heard this term used before, from Sex and the City…but we need to discuss.  (Also, my inner dialogue sounds strikingly similar to Carrie Bradshaw…so naturally when I write about living with someone, the episode that she moves in with Aiden is FRONT and CENTER).

Okay… I’m not just talking about the kind of SSB that resembles not shaving your legs because it’s winter…or only shaving the bottom half of your legs when you’re in a rush and just need to look cute in the dress.  And I’m not just talking about popping zits in a mirror, and spending hours looking at your pores in the mirror.  And it’s not just about eating teddy grahams and frosting as a midnight snack.

What I’m talking about TRANSCENDS the usual, and gets to the real nitty gritty.  The kind of nitty gritty that just feels SO GOOD when you do it, and you never really realized it was a problem before until you moved in with a man.

You see…

I pick at my nail polish.  Nail polish was NOT invented for me because my nails are neither long nor strong, because they do not like to hold polish well,  because the second they get any longer than my finger they simply MUST be cut, and because I get too bored with a color or the polish just ends up chipping and fading anyway.  Ugh.  I have since switched to getting shellac manicures, in the hopes that this no-chip polish will fight off the urge to pick…but it just makes it THAT much stronger.  Because they told me it would be impossible to chip off.  So I have to try.  You see my problem here…

There’s nothing I can do to hide the fact that I pick at my nail polish.  I’ll be sitting on the couch with Timmy, or we’ll be lying in bed, and I HAVE to do it…because it’s something I’ve ALWAYS done.  I will pick my polish off until there is a pile of it on my coffee table…at which point I’ll dust into my hand and throw away.  And Timmy completely and utterly…HATES it.  He always scolds me for picking, he always asks me to stop, and if that doesn’t work he’ll just de-snuggle from me in the hopes that will make me stop.

Want to know something embarrassing?  We were snuggling in bed one time, and I picked my nail polish off and it landed right in his EYE!!!  In his EYE!!!  How awful is that???!  I can’t even stop for five seconds mid-snuggle to keep my nails in check…and heaven forbid I actually use nail polish remover before this ever becomes a problem!

In.  His.  Eye.

Back to the point…so…what do you DO when moving in with a man greatly throws you off your game, and you can no longer CONTINUE with your secret behavior?  What do you do when they find out?

Your single self has been put in the closet, after years of stripping down to your bra in your living room because no one was there to say you couldn’t…after years of leaving clothes in the dryer as a mini dresser because you knew at least where your whites were…after many many many trips to the grocery store with a solo basket and talking to yourself about your pantry inventory while you peruse the shelf…after many cereal suppers because you just didn’t feel the need to cook…  Your little mini-rituals that you perform throughout the day have now been taken out of their safeguard and are considered crazy

Now, take a look at your secret single behavior (because I know you have at least ONE), and write it down.  It’s actually not that WEIRD when you look at it…and it’s not even that weird when you say it out loud.  They’re not necessarily a FREAKY thing (well…maybe some of you), but that’s not the reason why they’re secret.  It is only when the addition of another person into your extremely personal bubble is invaded that your secret single behavior is compromised.

Sometimes don’t you just miss all that FREEDOM to eat, dress (or undress), bathe and sleep how you wanted without having to answer to another soul about what in the heck you were doing?

What are your secret single behaviors?  And for those who are already married, do you proudly display your SSB if you have one?  Or have you managed to still keep it, well…secret?

Let’s talk.

xoxo,

Cassie – Meet Mrs B. (@MeetMrsBTweets)

Image credits: girl by Samantha Hahn, ballerina tea via Sophisticated Creation

Label(s): Cassie, The Bloggistas, {Happily Ever After}

Love all of this...

18 comments

  1. Marit on May 14, 2012

    I talk to my dog like he is a person. Pretty much all day long. While it is pretty nutso, I also attribute it to why he is so smart. I’m pretty sure he’ll cure cancer one day.

    Reply
    • Alison on May 14, 2012

      Marit – I talk to my dog, too. But I do that silly mommy voice and put such an affect on it when I talk to him. I guess it’s just more fun that way for me? Like, when we’re all going to bed, instead of saying, “go to bed,” to Bambino, I say, “GODA BAAYYY.” Like an IDIOT.

      In fact, at this point I’ve convinced myself that it’s the only way he’ll understand what I’m trying to command him to do.

      Reply
      • Marit on May 14, 2012

        You know what I say to Pete at bed time? My husband can vouch for my craziness:

        “Snuggle, party of threeeeeeee your snuggles are now ready!”

        OMGWHATISWRONGWITHME.

        Reply
    • Catherine on May 15, 2012

      I do that, too. I talk to Chloe almost constantly when we are together. Sometimes nonsense, sometimes those conversational monologues you hear mothers having with their babies (so we’re going to do this and should we go here or there for that? etc). But (and here’s where you all probably think I am beyond saving mental) it has become such a habit I do it when we’re out. In public. Where other people can hear. Not so much a SSB then.

      Reply
  2. Marit on May 14, 2012

    I talk to my dog like he is a person. Pretty much all day long. While it is pretty nutso, I also attribute it to why he is so smart. I’m sure he’ll cure cancer one day.

    Reply
  3. Libby on May 14, 2012

    Hi Cassie! So psyched to see you here! I think you’re not alone in the nail polish picking. It’s a hard urge to resist once it starts to chip away!! I can’t think of any crazy SSB’s I have, but I do really miss my single girl meals. I used to make myself a grilled cheese or black bean quesadilla every night and I’d watch it while catching up on the Bravo Housewives. Now we eat a square meal, no TV, at the table. I love that we act like real adults, but sometimes I do miss the grilled cheese!

    Reply
    • Alison on May 14, 2012

      Libby – as someone who’s gluten free and who sneaks in episodes of RH when Honey showers, I command you to eat a grilled cheese while enjoying an episode IMMEDIATELY. You know as well as I, that life is partially about indulging in unhealthy food and bad tv. ;)

      Reply
    • Cassie | Meet Mrs. B on May 14, 2012

      YESSS! Oh my god I love that: single girl meals! I really do miss those nights where I was eating about a heap of pasta salad while watching bravo…or more likely Sex and the City.

      Now it’s square meals at the table, OR Deadliest Catch. Haha.

      Reply
  4. What a great article. It is so true. I picked at my nail polish so often that I stopped wearing it unless I was going somewhere special.

    I was married for many years and then divorced but I had a son living at home. Obviously, through all those years I curtailed those habits.

    I didn’t even realize that after my son moved out, I developed some of these habits. He had been gone a few months and came home to stay for a few days.

    We were in the kitchen and I opened the fridge door, took out a bottle of soda with a small amount in the bottom. Automatically I drank the small amount of soda out of the bottle and burped out loud. My son was shocked and said, “My God Mom, I leave you alone for a few months and you turn into a pig!”

    He was laughing as he said it but it did make me realize that you get far too comfortable when living alone.

    I now have a “significant other” but we do not live together, so I only need to behave for a limited amount of time.

    Reply
  5. Alison on May 14, 2012

    Sharon – Has anyone ever told you that you’re an amazing story teller? That was hilarious and SO something that I do, too. Except I do it while Honey’s around, and have for years ;) it’s something I consider *a fact of life* and so I feel absolutely no shame whatsoever about letting that soda gas escape the confines of my stomach and intestines.

    Keep on burpin’ Shar! ;)

    Reply
  6. Allie on May 14, 2012

    Back in the day, I used to get home from work/the gym, strip to my underwear, and make myself these amazing smoothies for dinner. I would then consume them, in bed (it was a studio apartment! the bed was like, in the kitchen anyway) while watching *insert terrible reality show here* on my computer.

    I live with my fiance now, and while I’m sure he wouldn’t protest the removal of clothing, there is no way in heck that man would ever drink a smoothie for dinner, or watch reality TV with me :)

    Reply
    • Cassie | Meet Mrs. B on May 14, 2012

      Sigh…that was my thing to. Well…not necessarily smoothies. But the stripping down in my apartment was amazing!

      Reply
  7. Alison on May 14, 2012

    Allie – wanna know something? I make green monster smoothies, and then stand in the kitchen in a tank and my underwear, and proceed to stand there in the kitchen, drinking the smoothie, and then pouring some of the smoothie into Bambino’s food bowl because HE LOVES IT. So it’s just me and Bambino, chillin in the kitchen, one of us naked (Bambino), the other half-naked (me)… just drinking green monsters and feeling all healthy and s**t.

    Wouldn’t trade that daytime activity for THE WORLD.

    Reply
  8. Elizabeth on May 14, 2012

    Oh the multitude of SSB’s I have… but for the most part they are just not-so-secret SB’s now that the bf and I have lived together almost a year. I just couldn’t hide the crazy anymore I guess.

    One of the funniest ones is that I used to (still do) “sleep eat” when I was single. I used to need Ambien to sleep which causes some behaviors that you may not remember in the morning. I would always wake up with the jar of peanut butter by the bed and spoon that had been licked clean somewhere close by. One day earlier on in our relationship he came over and literally found a stray spoon lost in the sheets – I know that sounds ridiculous, but when you sleep alone in a king size bed and don’t remember you’ve enjoyed a spoonful of peanut butter in the middle of the night, sometimes you can leave evidence behind. At that point there was no reason to lie… the truth was about as weird as the most reasonable lie I could come up with.

    While I still sleep eat sometimes, I usually manage keep it in the kitchen. : )

    Reply
    • Alison on May 14, 2012

      Elizabeth – hahaha! awesome story. and nice choice in the peanut butter, I must say. I think I’d probably start nomming (<== i hate that word, oy) on one of Bambino's paws, as they somehow give off the smell of freshly cooked pancakes with melted butter. His feetsies. The same ones that walk in poo all day outside. very odd.

      Reply
    • Cassie | Meet Mrs. B on May 16, 2012

      Oh…food in the bed stories! Reminds me of How I Met Your Mother when Robin eats ribs in her sleep some times. Classic!

      I would always somehow take my clothes off in the middle of the night…and then find them a day (or two later…let’s be real, I probably didn’t make my bed EVERY day) underneath the covers.

      Reply
  9. Hey, Alison. Thanks so much for the compliment. I am not that good a story teller, I am just old and have a lot of stories to tell. Many of them not repeatable (well, not unless you really beg). I find 50 Shades of Grey boring! End of comment.

    I also talk to my dog and cat all the time. That is normal, isn’t it????

    Reply
  10. Lena on May 15, 2012

    I bet I’ve already shared the story of our first few months of cohabitation, when John discovered me wearing a face mask, flipping through wedding magazines (DEFINITELY a SSB for a long time), watching trashy reality TV and COVERED in Doritos nacho cheese dust. It wasn’t pretty.

    Reply

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