DEAR TKB: Is it wrong that I want to have sex… THERE? Plus: Am I Alone in This? Another Weird Thing I Do…

Me on the subway, whenever I listen to music…

EARBUDS OUT:

Feeling fine, breathing normal.  Confident.

EARBUDS IN: 

I WONDER IF I’M BREATHING TOO LOUDLY AM I MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH WHAT IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I CAN’T HEAR THEM SO THEY KEEP ASKING THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER OK THAT CERTAINLY FELT LIKE A FART BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I GOT IT BACK IN IN TIME I HOPE A SOUND DIDN’T ESCAPE IS ANYBODY LOOKING AT ME I DON’T SMELL ANYTHING BUT MAYBE MY EARBUDS ARE AFFECTING MY ABILITY TO SMELL I THINK MY THIGHS ARE MAKING SQUEAKING SOUNDS AGAINST MY SEAT AM I BREATHING EVEN LOUDER NOW BECAUSE WHAT I’M HEARING DEFINITELY DOESN’T SOUND NORMAL FOR A PERSON WHO IS MOTIONLESS *TRIES TO QUIET DOWN BREATHING*  *BREATHING BECOMES MORE PRONOUNCED*  *ACUTE SELF-AWARENESS REACHES LEVEL BORDERING ON PSYCHOSIS* 

*turns KE$HA’s “Tik Tok” off; removes earbuds* … jk.

*turns KE$HA’S “We R Who We R” off; removes earbuds*

… So, am I alone in this?  I need to know.

In other news… THIS:

Dear TKB:

Sex at the future in-laws’ house?  or no sex at the future in-laws’ house?  Serious question.

Relevant details: a) his childhood room (where we sleep) is a bathroom’s width down the hall from his parents’ room… b) his mom has a tendency to walk into rooms throughout her home unannounced (you mean she walks into rooms in her own home? how dare she!)… c) I have a strong, wanton libido.

Again, serious question.  Really looking forward to your advice.  Thank you!

-H

Dear Miss H.,

Thank you for your question, I’m glad and honored that you came to me.  I uhh… I… hi Mom!  Stop reading, ok?  Thanks.

So, Miss H, how long is the typical visit to your in-laws’ house?  I’m guessing these are (infrequent) weekend trips?  Do you think you can manage to wait it out?  Here’s the thing: I’m a lot like you with the libido thing.  In that I am ready to go on a moment’s notice.  Wherever.  But your in-laws’ house, where you already know his mom dances from room to room?

I am getting the feeling that you get a little turned on by ‘challenging-for-to-have-the-sex’ situations.  Don’t be embarrassed; we all have our things.

Or I’m projecting my own ‘thing’ onto you and calling it your thing BUT NO MATTER, I DIGRESS.

If you *really* can’t resist a romp, all I can think to say is, I hope you’re good at keeping your voices down.

One more thing: if you decide you’re in the mood for it but your sweetie is hesitant to fornicate when maternal vagina is a stone’s throw away, please don’t be all like:

about it because seriously you’re only hurting yourself.  Men don’t like to hear that they’re disappointing you in that way, when it’s something they can’t really help due to circumstances out of their control (like intrusive moms).  So maybe just grin and bear it until the car ride home and get nasty together in the back seat.

… unless it’s his parents who are driving you home, in that case you might just wanna take this one on the chin OMG I MEAN take this one for the team.

Ladies and gents, I think I really need your help answering this one.  Let’s talk… are you FOR or AGAINST getting down and dirty next to all of his soccer trophies?  Maybe your response is more complicated than just for or against — obviously I’m so game to hear it.  As always, all opinions welcome, obvs.

And for the sake of an open discussion, let’s just all agree to make believe that if any embarrassing moments are shared in the comments, we’ll assume that they’re about ‘your best friend who did that thing that one time,’ and not about you.

Or you can be totally open about your embarrassing stories.  YOLO.

xoxo!  - Alison

p.s. – kitty-on-kitty action via Pinterest; salacious words sexualizing the cats courtesy of yours truly.  but… you knew that already, didn’t you.

Label(s): "DEAR TKB..." Advice Column, Popular *New*, Sex, {Love + Relationships}

Love all of this...

29 comments

  1. Heather on May 17, 2012

    Wow… I have three sons, two of which are engaged and I will say… hell NO, at least not while they are at home! It is terrible enough walking in on a teenage son going to the bathroom, but a grown man child having sex…. that would destroy a mother…. and most likely your sex life, cause it is gonna take a long time for your husband to get with it again after that kinda blunder! Just saying! I mean, after 18 years of marriage if my mom even tries to call on the phone while we are getting going it kills his desire. Answer in plain words… don’t do it! You will regret it!

    Reply
    • Alison on May 17, 2012

      Heather – I never thought of it from that perspective, Thanks for sharing! That definitely *would* blow my mind in the worst way, when I try to imagine it if I were a mother.

      And by “try to imagine it,” I mean: try to imagine it up until anywhere near the point when the imagining reaches the part where I approach the door handle of my son’s room…

      Reply
  2. Catherine on May 17, 2012

    Back in the day, when the ex and I were still together and visiting his mum semi-regularly, we had one simple rule: totally, but wait until she’s out of the house. Since she would pop out for 15-30 minutes at least once a day this was feasible, if hurried.

    It was at his gran’s that I found it weird. Chintz, lace and voyeuristic seagulls do not turn-ons make.

    Reply
    • Alison on May 17, 2012

      omigod so true about at your grandma’s house. I don’t think I could get in the right frame of mind even to get STARTED getting into the right frame of mind!

      Reply
  3. Kaitlin on May 17, 2012

    The way I see it, if she’s letting you sleep in the same bed when you’re at her house, she knows what’s going down anyway, so why not? As always, quiet everything down so she’s not positive. But that’s just basic manners, no?

    Reply
  4. Marit on May 17, 2012

    “take this one on the chin.”

    I friggin love that you said that. You complete me.

    As for advice, if you’re just going for a weekend…wait it out. It’s not worth the awkwardness of being walked in on or heard. If you KNOW you won’t get caught, then go for it!

    Reply
  5. Cassie | Meet Mrs. B on May 17, 2012

    Thank goodness THIS is what Dear TKB was about today…because my mind went to the gutter immediately. Just me? (No, I swear my mind is not always in the gutter…you just…never know).

    I know if this were me…I’d be too afraid of mom walking in…but I know how that goes. Sometimes…you just can’t WAIT any longer.

    Anyways, I think if you’re already living together or shacking up pretty frequently…moms aren’t STUPID. They know that you are most likely getting it on with their son outside of marriage, and they just choose to not think about it. However, when you’re bringing that uncomfortable situation to them in THEIR house…I could see mom maybe not being so cool about it.

    Sure you could just be quiet, or wait until she steps out…but for the most part, out of respect to madre…maybe just wait until you’re back home?
    But if you LEGITIMATELY cannot wait three days to get some good good lovin’ in…you could make like you’re in high school again and do it in the car somewhere. Haha.

    Ultimately, I think this would be a judgement call. If you feel it’s not going to disrupt your relationship with your honey, and he’s cool with it, and we’re SURE mom isn’t going to walk in…meh. Just do it already.

    Reply
    • Alison on May 17, 2012

      The start of your first sentence definitely made me think that you were about to share a special story about this topic today ;)

      Reply
  6. Jenni on May 17, 2012

    I REALLY think it depends on how long the visit is! We never have sex on our weekend visits to my parents’ house… but when we visit his family in AUSTRALIA for weeks at a time, you can bet your butt it’s going to happen!!

    Reply
  7. Darling on May 17, 2012

    Here’s the deal, letmetellyouhowitis – you as a mom know you child is sexually active, and absolutely should not be busting into his bedroom unannounced. I don’t care whose house it is; it’s common sense and good hostess etiquette. Even if someone is just getting changed or, for crying out loud, READING, you should not just enter the room without knocking.

    And ESPECIALLY after marriage, you as parents should realize they do it, and have every right to go so. I would feel weird doing it at my mother’s house, but I’d still do it! My mother in-law is a bit of a different type of gal… I can picture her knocking on our door, saying “have fun!” for crying out loud, she told me she’s going to buy us a sheep skin rug for youknowwhat. She’s odd, but I love her.

    ANYWHO. I say grow up to the moms out there, but be quiet about it, and if your in-laws are boundaryless, do it when people are sleeping, umm Kay?

    Reply
    • Alison on May 24, 2012

      It has taken me one comment from you to fall in love with you, Miss Darling. I look forward to your thoughts on other topics!

      Reply
  8. Sorry that I have so much to say today, but I couldn’t resist this story. It sounds as if everything is about my son – well, I guess it actually is.

    I was away at a cottage with some girls when my son brought his now wife home for the first time. They weren’t kids. Late 20′s I guess. They stayed in his room but when I came home they were gone. Of course, I knew he was here because of the mess in the kitchen.

    The other tell-tale sign was that there was a bra spread across my bed in my room. It wasn’t in a ball, or folded, it was spread end-to-end across the bed. I was shocked and thought, what the hell were they doing in my room? I wondered what type of girl this new one was.

    When I talked to him on the Sunday night, he wasn’t living at home then, I said at the end of the conversation, “Oh, by the way, did you leave your bra here?” He sounded embarrassed and said, “No, but I guess it must be Morgan’s.” Then the question was, “Who is Morgan?”

    After that conversation, we never spoke of it again, but one day about a year later when he had stayed here a couple of days, he couldn’t find his socks. We found them in the front hall and he said, “That damn cat!” Tony the Tiger had dragged them from the upstairs bedroom. I said, “I have never seen him do that before.” He said very shyly, “How do you think Morgan’s bra got on your bed the first time she was here?”

    And sure enough, good ole Tone has been known to drag dirty underwear all over the house and that is how the bra got on my bed. I guess Tony wanted Mommy to know what had been going on while I was away.

    Reply
    • Alison on May 17, 2012

      BEST. STORY. EVER.

      “Oh, by the way, did you leave your bra here?” to your son. Sharon, seriously, YOU ARE HILARIOUS.

      Reply
    • Estefy on May 24, 2012

      Ahhh that’s too funny and totally made me laugh (at work) haha well this whole blog did. Sneaky kitty!!! <3

      Reply
  9. Forgot to mention that Tony the Tiger looks very similar to the cat on top in the picture.

    Reply
  10. Chelsea on May 17, 2012

    My thought process is, if in-laws can bug you about giving them grandchildren, they should be a-ok with you doing it in their homes! If you get to make me uncomfortable by talking about my uterus, its fair game

    Reply
  11. Lena on May 17, 2012

    One time my “best friend” was having sex in her “high school boyfriend’s bedroom” and his “DAD” walked in. Actually, he might have knocked, insisted “Andrew” come outside and speak with him, and then forbade my “best friend” from his house (when “SHE” was the one who suggested he go to college and get his shit together, thank you very much!), but since I wasn’t there, I really can’t say.

    It’s definitely impacted “her” ability to have sex at childhood homes though.

    Reply
  12. Laura P. on May 17, 2012

    This reminds me of the SATC episode when Charlotte is having sex with her then-husband, Trey, and his mom walks in without knocking. I say go for it. It’s weird anyways when people just waltz right into a room that you are staying in with the door closed without even knocking. And you’re married! Having sex is expected! Just keep it down :)

    Reply
  13. Alison on May 17, 2012

    Laura P – omg I never really thought about it like that! it IS weird to walk into a room people are currently inside of without knocking. So true, that really isn’t normal behavior, haha! I never sat back and realized that it’s just not something we should accept from others just because *it’s their tendency* Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  14. Meghan on May 18, 2012

    Oh Alison…. you make my day… week… life! Between Bam pics and your tales… I’m not getting married any time soon (as in, not engaged)… but I’m hooked on your blog and will forever be attached! xoxo

    Reply
  15. Olivia on May 18, 2012

    Personally, I wouldn’t. I think it’s rude. If you really can’t contain yourself, masturbate in the shower or like another poster suggested, take it to the car.

    Reply
    • Alison on May 24, 2012

      ahahahaha! You are awesome – thank you for being the first person ever to use the word *masturbation* in the comment section of this site. Finally! 3 high fives for you :)

      Reply
  16. sarah on May 18, 2012

    As for the earbuds, YES YES and YES. Except for the Ke$ha part, YES.

    Reply
  17. Unique Wedding Ideas on May 18, 2012

    Hilarious !!!

    Reply
  18. Jenna on May 20, 2012

    First time we stayed at my then future fiancees’ parent’s home I must say we snuck away in car to have some noisy time… other times think have done it only when family are out as too paranoid about being heard!

    Reply
  19. Wedding Photography on May 21, 2012

    hah aha very funny guy z

    Reply
  20. Estefy on May 24, 2012

    LAWLs to your side commentary… and omg yes on the ear buds, except instead of on the subway it happens to me at the gym. sigh

    Definitely have never been caught. I’m not married, but I have had sex at the bfs either when the mom was sleeping or not home. EEK! Just gotta be very quiet……

    Reply
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