Me on the subway, whenever I listen to music…
Feeling fine, breathing normal. Confident.
I WONDER IF I’M BREATHING TOO LOUDLY AM I MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH WHAT IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I CAN’T HEAR THEM SO THEY KEEP ASKING THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER OK THAT CERTAINLY FELT LIKE A FART BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I GOT IT BACK IN IN TIME I HOPE A SOUND DIDN’T ESCAPE IS ANYBODY LOOKING AT ME I DON’T SMELL ANYTHING BUT MAYBE MY EARBUDS ARE AFFECTING MY ABILITY TO SMELL I THINK MY THIGHS ARE MAKING SQUEAKING SOUNDS AGAINST MY SEAT AM I BREATHING EVEN LOUDER NOW BECAUSE WHAT I’M HEARING DEFINITELY DOESN’T SOUND NORMAL FOR A PERSON WHO IS MOTIONLESS *TRIES TO QUIET DOWN BREATHING* *BREATHING BECOMES MORE PRONOUNCED* *ACUTE SELF-AWARENESS REACHES LEVEL BORDERING ON PSYCHOSIS*
*turns KE$HA’s “Tik Tok” off; removes earbuds* … jk.
*turns KE$HA’S “We R Who We R” off; removes earbuds*
… So, am I alone in this? I need to know.
In other news… THIS:
Sex at the future in-laws’ house? or no sex at the future in-laws’ house? Serious question.
Relevant details: a) his childhood room (where we sleep) is a bathroom’s width down the hall from his parents’ room… b) his mom has a tendency to walk into rooms throughout her home unannounced (you mean she walks into rooms in her own home? how dare she!)… c) I have a strong, wanton libido.
Again, serious question. Really looking forward to your advice. Thank you!
Dear Miss H.,
Thank you for your question, I’m glad and honored that you came to me. I uhh… I… hi Mom! Stop reading, ok? Thanks.
So, Miss H, how long is the typical visit to your in-laws’ house? I’m guessing these are (infrequent) weekend trips? Do you think you can manage to wait it out? Here’s the thing: I’m a lot like you with the libido thing. In that I am ready to go on a moment’s notice. Wherever. But your in-laws’ house, where you already know his mom dances from room to room?
I am getting the feeling that you get a little turned on by ‘challenging-for-to-have-the-sex’ situations. Don’t be embarrassed; we all have our things.
Or I’m projecting my own ‘thing’ onto you and calling it your thing BUT NO MATTER, I DIGRESS.
If you *really* can’t resist a romp, all I can think to say is, I hope you’re good at keeping your voices down.
One more thing: if you decide you’re in the mood for it but your sweetie is hesitant to fornicate when maternal vagina is a stone’s throw away, please don’t be all like:
about it because seriously you’re only hurting yourself. Men don’t like to hear that they’re disappointing you in that way, when it’s something they can’t really help due to circumstances out of their control (like intrusive moms). So maybe just grin and bear it until the car ride home and get nasty together in the back seat.
… unless it’s his parents who are driving you home, in that case you might just wanna take this one on the chin OMG I MEAN take this one for the team.
Ladies and gents, I think I really need your help answering this one. Let’s talk… are you FOR or AGAINST getting down and dirty next to all of his soccer trophies? Maybe your response is more complicated than just for or against — obviously I’m so game to hear it. As always, all opinions welcome, obvs.
And for the sake of an open discussion, let’s just all agree to make believe that if any embarrassing moments are shared in the comments, we’ll assume that they’re about ‘your best friend who did that thing that one time,’ and not about you.
Or you can be totally open about your embarrassing stories. YOLO.
xoxo! - Alison
p.s. – kitty-on-kitty action via Pinterest; salacious words sexualizing the cats courtesy of yours truly. but… you knew that already, didn’t you.