GIRL TALK | The #1 Pair of Underwear for Girls’ Butts Is… & Coolest Photo Shoot Prop of the Month, by Anna Pociask

me again.  happy Friday afternoon and hope you’re ready for a .gif parade…

Below is what Bambino was doing at the foot of our bed last night.  The baby tiger on the left is our expression while this was going on for seven straight hours.

Suffice it to say, I’m pretty tired.  But I just couldn’t WAIT to post what you’re going to see today in this post, so… here we go.

First, here’s what’s coming up soon on the blog: My Open Letter to the part of the PR industry that’s ruining it for the ones who know what they’re doing, and, Bridal Market is in full swing, so please, prep yourself for the intense dress action I’ll be bringing back from the shows over the next week or so. Because ITWILLBESOINTENSE,LIKEISAID. I suggest a warm bath and some breathing exercises to prepare yourselves.

P.S. – I wanna thank all of the designers for inviting me to walk, and then making the right decision to reject me outright upon receiving my demo reel:

Sigh.  All my fat goes directly to my hands.

I have a story to share with you today SHOCK AMONG SHOCKS.

A couple days ago, a friend and I were sitting and chatting at one of those rare Starbucks establishments you see occasionally here in NYC.  Things went from a typical conversation between two respectable women to *vagina and ass* within five minutes.  Because I’m Alison?

We didn’t speak exclusively about butts and vaheens, because EW.  I don’t want you to think I’m obsessed with that stuff.  I mean, I am obsessed with that stuff but I don’t want you to think that.  No so we talked about other things, also.  Like relationship issues.  And we spent a STRONG three minutes releasing shrill screams about Bridal Market (Claire Pettibone = the one I’m most worried about fainting at, as I’m sure you would understand.  If you look for me there I will be the one sitting down 100% of the time with smelling salts in hand and a pregnancy pillow wrapped around me in case I fall out of my chair/get pregnant).  We also talked about puppies because of course.  We accidentally walked into about 20 minutes on politics but stopped before long, because DEPRESSING.

Someone brought up “underwear these days.”  Probably me.

We talked about good underwear.  We talked about baaaaad underwear, we talked about why we are incapable of throwing away our terrible terrible underwear that are so gross (which is one of the numbers on the list below, mind you).  We talked about the best shapes for different kinds of butts, then we talked about men’s butts because NATURALLY.  We got back on track, talking about which shape covers the most ground without being grannyish, we tried to determine the number one stunner for under skinny jeans and dresses, blah blah blah etcetera.  By the way this is what it looks like when I put on a pair of my skinny jeans

Yeah, so then we got into talking about annoying trends in underwear.

I said probably too loudly: “I just want all this glitter out of my underwear.  It gets in my butt.”

Let’s stop the tape right there, folks.  You may be noticing that sometimes I don’t think before I yell something out about my underwear.  In a crowded Starbucks at 2 in the afternoon among nursing mothers.  For what it’s worth my panties were overrun with maddening amounts of glitter, and I was at my wit’s end.  It was going to come out at some point so why not at Starbucks where there are toddler children playing on the floor and several older judgmental looking eavesdroppers.  It goes without saying that there were some folks in there who probably thought my name was Iwanna Ga’Doughnonnia, or Anita Peterortwo.  Or Sally con Strokum.  Aunt MaJina.  Donna Tuch-Marreare.  (<== oh my goodness I think I just determined my porn name if I go into porn)

They just didn’t know the truth.  Which was that, when I arrived on the website I use when buying underwear, I was denied any alternatives to these glanties (I first wrote *glittanties* but, no.).  I needed boy shorts, they had boy shorts with glitter all the f**k over them, and I pressed Purchase.  I didn’t say I was proud of it.  You can imagine my expression when I got to the computer and realized only glitter ones were left

But yes, I bought them.  And I’m still in possession of two pairs of (really great fitting which is why I bought them) boy shorts, fully enveloped in glitter that has apparently been glued on using a glue stick from my kindergarten class.  Because it’s like my underwear just washed their hair in the shower and it’s all over the shower wall now instead of my underwear’s head.  Or you get my point.  The moment my thighs hit the pavement it’s like breaking open a pinata of glitter in my pants.  I am immediately engulfed in glitter from the waist down.  Here is what my thoughts used to be on people who wear glitter underwear, before I became the owner of glitter underwear: “good luck with your crippling feelings of inadequacy and destructive thirst for attention.”  Here are my thoughts about people who wear glitter underwear, now that I own glitter underwear: “we are sisters.”

Here’s the point: you know me, you know I have certain needs.  And these needs are at their most firm, when it comes to my undercarriage.  You know how there are people who have exhaustive unemotional checklists of everything they need their partner to have (ivy league schooling, $$$$, etc.) in order for them to consider marrying them?  Those kinds of checklists often turn out to be projections of what we wish we had in ourselves, and can have a detrimental effect on one’s love life.  NOT SO, with the type of checklist I have.  Which is a list of everything I need out of my underwear.  Course this list is by no means complete.  I cannot speak for all shapes of ass, nor all tastes in underwear <== that came out wrong.

I have canvassed everyone I know (by randomly having conversations about it over several years unintentionally) to find out the best underwear for your money and ass, and it is, resoundingly, Victoria’s Secret brand boy shorts and hipsters.  The hipsters are actually called “cheeky” hipsters, but I feel like a truly ridiculous person calling them that so I don’t.  To the list!

  1. Seamless coverage, no exceptions.
  2. I need to be able to walk around my home without pants, nary a care of the view from behind.
  3. Material must be soft, yet firm/capable of holding things in place.  It’s essentially a butt bra, so ACT LIKE IT.
  4. No messages on the back.  Because SERIOUSLY.  Thanks so much, no I would not like to advertise the fact that I’m a “hot piece of ass” and like to “party all night” across where my asshole is.  What sane person wants another person doing some light reading within inches of the anus?  NOT I.  Spend as little time as possible there, if you’d be so kind.  If you must plaster letters across my butt, how about “no loitering.”
  5. Just, if you grant my wish of the “no loitering,” please… don’t do it in glitter.
  6. Still pretty ticked about the glitter.  It’s permanently embedded in nearly all of my jeans  -_________-
  7. “I would like my ass to look like a deli ham” = the last thing I’d ever say to a sales clerk selling me underwear.  Yet somehow, that is exactly what they have brought to my since I was but a child, hoping for a round, right ass without seams.  So: no cheek-gripping seams for chrissakes, is what #7 is.  Srsly why would my objective be for people walking behind me to think “omg. that girl was born with the Human Centipede of Asses.  Her ass, it looks like there might be an identical second one, spun on its axis and then stacked directly atop the first ass.  HOTT.  It’s like that girl with the three boobs instead of two!  Except this is four cheeks instead of two, and it is gross instead of my teenage fantasy.”  No thanks.
  8. I know some of you are saying that *working out* is a solution to this; that a firmer butt means reduced cheek-gripping action.  I’m sorry- is this a health blog?
  9. No decorative stitching, printed onto the material or sewn in for utterly ridiculous aesthetic effect.  Both are equally preposterous and make you look like the kind of person who has a room in her home devoted entirely to dolls.
  10. No animal prints where the animal print is magenta and neon green, unless you’re looking for a way to send the message, “I’d go to Taco Bell on a first date.”  Here is what Bambino does when he sees one of my more ‘in your face about it’ pairs of clean underwear (and I really don’t want to encourage it) 
  11. No frilly ruffles.  I have fallen into the trap of purchasing frilly underwear in the past, and while they make sense in the boudoir ifyouknowwhatImean, ifyouknowwhatI’mtalkinabout, I can attest that, worn outside of the bedroom and under jeans, the frills only bunch up on the sides, adding the insult of wider hips to the already-imposed injury of being made to look like you’re an idiot.
  12. Final Note: Some underwear are decidedly period underwear, and they are purchased for that express purpose.  SAME RULES APPLY.

So, as I transition rather pitifully out of Part 1, I will leave you with one burning question my girlfriends and I rather frequently arrive at:

How is it that: only girls are encouraged to concern themselves with waxing their entire pelvic region, almost to the point of it becoming a female standard?  How has it not yet bled (no pun intended) over into guys’ regimens?  I could make a compelling case for why men should make it a priority.  I mean really, there is so much to gain.  But I digress.  Anyway I saw a video today that someone I will not be naming sent to me, and I’m gonna share with you but definitely only as a link.  Because one of the guys, UMMM.  He *stepped in gum*.  Enjoy at your OWN RISK, and I hope you got the reference.  If you got the reference you’re probably not clicking on that link, which is smart, and it is what I advise.  Moving on…

On a completely unrelated note to everything I talked about above, OMGIAMINLOVEWITHTHISSHOOT.  It’s the feather-winged finale of that styled loveliness I hinted at sometime back and OMG you’re gonna love it.  I will stop using ‘OMG’ right now.

The surreal beauty you’re about to see below was submitted by Anna Pociask Photography, with the title “Temptation.”  Anna said, “I wanted to tell a story of a woman tempting a good boy.  Her beauty slowly enticing him…”   NAILED IT.

This brings us ’round to our overall lesson today, folks.  When it comes to clothing and accessories, gigantic feathered wings in a shoot is AWESOME, while leopard printed neon green underoos with suspenders and a neon sign on the back that reads “come in” are NOT AWESOME.  Does anyone disagree with me?  If so, by all means, share.

Anyway, hope you love this shoot as much as I did.  It’s such a captivating foray into the dreamland we rarely get a chance to visit IRL.  Or whatever.  Holy shit just show the pictures already Alison.

So tell me…

1.  Anyone excited to see the dress photos from the shows of Bridal Market?  I know at least one person who is. *pointscutelyatself*

2. Any input on my totally insane underwear tangent that I’m not proud of?  Also accepting “you need immediate medical attention for chronic insanity thrombosis”  But obviously I prefer a comment of substance vs. attack.  I mean obviously.

3.  What do you think of today’s styled session?  I am absolutely infatuated with the couple, Ashley and Robby… they’re married, by the way!  Am I weird or does she actually look like a winged fairy IRL.  I felt like I was watching Tinker Bell: The College Years.  This whole thing turned out MAGNIFICENT.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Anna Pociask Photography / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

 

Label(s): "DEAR TKB..." Advice Column, Color, Girl Talk, Popular *New*, Purple, Real Life Issues, {Inspiration Shoot}

Love all of this...

19 comments

  1. Hi Alison,

    Loved your post today. However, I think I now know far more about your underwear than I ever thought was necessary.

    My motto has always been comfort above all else. There is a caveat to that statement. It depends where, when and whom you are with when you end up taking off your outer clothes (not sure if that is proper English grammer or not). Okay, this is a side discussion. No wonder we have people who do not know proper grammer because spell check thinks the word “grammer” is spelled incorrectly and has no other suggestions. WTF????

    Back to the main discussion. Given a choice with no outside influences I would wear grannie panties all the time (but maybe that is because I am a grannie? – Although I insist on being called Nana because grannie is far too old!!!). Oops, there I go with the exclamation marks – must remember to control that impulse.

    They are always clean though, because my mother always told me that you have to have clean underwear in case you are in an accident. Although, on all the medical TV programs they rip the clothes off and I don’t think they even notice what your are wearing as underwear or not.

    I hate the bikini type that are high rise and end up feeling like a thong. That is most uncomfortable. But fancy undies are fine and endurable if you know you are going to be in an “exciting” position to be able to get rid of them quickly.

    I have to be very careful about my underwear because I have a cat, Tony, who captures dirty underwear where ever it is and carries it down into the living-room or my office. Then, Jackson, the toy poodle chews it. I don’t think I have one pair of panties that do not have several holes in it and I can’t afford to replace it at the speed with which Tony can capture it. Luckily, my significant other loves Tony and Jackson more than he is worried about what underwear I have.

    I remember as a child having 7 pair of underwear each with a day of the week printed on it. That could lead to a lot of teasing when undressing for gym class if you were wearing the wrong day. I am sure that most of you are far too young to remember that. Those were the only underwear I ever had with writing on them.

    One very private thought that I will share is that over the years I have learned that there is nothing sexier to a man than knowing that you have no underwear on but all the other clothes! Plus, it is extremely comfortable.

    And that is my last word about underwear!!!!

    Reply
  2. Lena on October 12, 2012

    I am crying from laughing so hard. And starting a women’s underwear line called, “No Loitering”. The second panty will read, “Hey, asshole”.

    Reply
  3. Wedding Place on October 13, 2012

    That shoot session is unique vision!

    Reply
  4. Carolyn on October 13, 2012

    awesooommeeeee!!!!! love love love this shoot! so unique

    Reply
  5. Allison on October 13, 2012

    Oh other Alison, thanks for cracking me up as usual:)

    My fav undies are the lacie thongs from vic’s, and grannie panties for sleeping, bikini grannies but pretty much granny panties:) My bottom + boy shorts= a really bunchy thong so I just wear thongs and the lacie ones are super comfy…if such a thing could be said about thongs…

    And loved the shoot, I would totally wear that for Halloween (since I have no photo shoots in the future to wear it to lol) if my friend doesn’t end up having his HBO character theme party <—-the fiancé is going as Lafayette from true blood and it will be amazing!

    Reply
  6. Kristen on October 13, 2012

    It’s been a long time since I dropped a comment, but your underwear rant just cracked me the F up. I would say there is something omitted from the list: no hungry butt. I shouldn’t have to go spelunking for my chones nor should I look like my ass is munching it’s way toward my pants…just sayin’. Still loving the Bambino pics. :)

    Reply
  7. em on October 13, 2012

    Pretty great post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. I will be subscribing on your feed and I am hoping you write again very soon!

    Reply
  8. Andrea on October 13, 2012

    Amen on the underwear! I’ve worked in lingerie for 10 years, which has lead to me owning/collecting a Redick amount of underwear. We’re talking put-that-giant-tub-of-undies-in-the-garage-I-can’t-wear-them-all collection. My friend who has worked with me for all these years and I always laugh because with all of our options we rotate the same 7 pairs. Comfy, no crawling towards anything, good old seamless boyshorts. I love underwear. I love helping people find the right underwear. My collection is fantastic. But are they all fantastic to wear? Nope.

    Reply
  9. Ravindra Singh on October 15, 2012

    Wow! I love the pictures, they are beautiful. Particularly photos looks awesome .

    Reply
  10. rose99 on October 15, 2012

    I really like your blogs and pictures. Your website will be included in my daily reading.

    Reply
  11. Wedding on October 15, 2012

    All pics are so beautiful. Specially the bridal dress looks awesome. But i don’t understand for the looks of man.

    Reply
  12. Courtney from Cocroft & Delbridge on October 15, 2012

    Photoshoot is amazing! One can never look at enough pretty pictures…or dresses for that matter which is why I also can’t wait to see the 2013 collections!! Also…I am mildly upset about the polar bear video because now I want a bear and that is simply impractical…it would never get along with my wiener dog!

    Reply
  13. Ashley on October 16, 2012

    I’m absolutely in love with your post on underwear. Not for any reason other than I needed a break from work and it had me laughing very inappropriately. Thank you for that. I’m very sorry about all that glitter, it’s the herpes of the art world, you know… glitter is for life. I have never owned glitter underwear and to be honest, if there’s one thing I have to tsk you on it’s just don’t go there, ever. No glitter on the underwear should be rule number one. God forbid you’re wearing tight jeans, then the glitter falls off the underwear and it starts worming its way down your pant legs and it itches and pokes and hurts but you can’t get it out no matter how much you shake your legs because your pants are too tight. I honestly think I’d go commando before glitter underwear. Otherwise, I prefer Brazilian undies from Express, but I have never tried the VS ones. I was weirded out by the ruching that goes right up ze butt crack. Can you feel it?! Or am I worried over nothing?

    I am obsessed with the wonderful lighting in this shoot. And the couple is absolutely completely totally frickin’ adorable! I love that she’s all pixie and polished and he’s kinda’ teddy bear and shaggy. But the lighting, my goodness, not a single shot looks in the least bad! Everything good!!

    Reply
  14. Nina on October 16, 2012

    Beautiful Photos!

    Reply
  15. Amy on October 19, 2012

    Just woke up the boy laughing at your underwear adventures. You’re keeping me awake but it’s too fun!! HIIIlarious!!!

    Reply
  16. Megan on October 25, 2012

    These are the perfect underwear—-

    http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-271745/maidenform-hip-fit-boyshorts.jsp

    I had a pair of these in the back of a drawer for a long time without wearing them. Finally the day came where I decided I was going to wear them or get rid of them. When I did it was wonderful!

    Not only are they cheap, but they fit great too. They are fuller coverage than the victoria secret ones so they don’t give the same wedgie or crack exposure risk.

    Also they have the comfort of a granny pantie because they are larger and a little stretchy, but because of the cut and the lace they are still attractive.

    The lace at the top and legs prevents underwear lines. And if you get the right size, there is no risk of muffin top.

    And the last amazing benefit of these underwear is that they come in your standard colors, fun colors, and (if you are feeling risky) they come in crazy prints too. Sorry, no screen printed wording across the butt. I guess those people will have to take their “Sweet Cheeks” elsewhere!!

    Reply
  17. Nora Rose on October 26, 2012

    I have a flagrant love of neon and animal print. I also love boy shorts but my decidedly not large (I swear to gosh size 4 = not large) behind turns into 2 distinct regions whenever I put anything on it. Boo. I don’t want wedgies…

    Reply
  18. best women underwear on January 31, 2013

    I am impressed by the above info I found here. This is really a great news.

    Reply
  19. Lovely photos!

    Reply

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