Happy late evening, bubbuhbears! I just called you guys what we call Bambino, AWWWWWW. I think that means I love you.
Quick update on house hunting: we’re taking a respite from house hunting. Bout a week or so, cool our jets. Personally I don’t think I can engage in one more professional, non-childish discussion with a realtor about septic systems, low flow toilets and tampon thickness without laughing through it from beginning to end. So, house hunting? Back-burnered for a bit. As I was writing that Honey just sent me 10 new houses to look at and provide feedback for… so… it’s not over, and I’m lying? I have NFI.
LISTEN UP ladies and fiances of ladies, I know why most of you are here today (other than for pictures of Bambino) and I know it’s not to listen to me complain about not being about to flush my used tampons down the toilet. It’s either because A) you’d like to see what cool knotty reader-inspired app designs resulted from that amazeballs custom design giveaway we did with the brilliant wedding-app-designing minds of Appy Couple, OR it’s because B) you’re mildly interested in reading my take on the tale of Princess Middleton’s tatas. So, without further adieu… BOTH OF THE THINGS:
I’ve got the list of winners as well as their chosen designs, below! (FYI: They’re not yet available on the Appy Couple site but will go live quite soon.) So chickitty check it out below; these designs were super seriously created off of YOUR submitted inspiration, and these are the ones chosen by the four of you guys whose inspiration won out big time! Biiiiig tyyyyyyyme. I’m a proud mama right now, because there were only supposed to be three winners. But apparently you guys were so inspiring, they chose four. Good job, you guys. WAY TO BE. WAY TO MAKE MAMABEAR PROUD. Oh you did it for your own personal satisfaction and not to make me feel like raising you for the last 18 years of my life at the cost of my personal freedom and nest egg was finally worth it? Oh? Oh. Ok fair enough.
1. Katie Gennaro ~ She named her design Lovebirds:
2. Allison Youngblood ~ Her design is called Forest Dream:
3. Shelly Huang ~ Her design is called Rustic City Love:
4. Laura Lloyd ~ She named her app Caputo Florals:
As my Mom has learned to say, recently: NIIIICE. Nice job, ladies, srsly. Love them. (Are you feelin any favorites, you guys? I’m partial to most of them – four, to be exact.)
First things first: she’s called a princess, right? Or is it Duchess. I always forget what to call her. I’ve ruled out Boobs McGee and The Middleton Without The $12,000 Ass (see: here, first paragraph) so it’s down to those other two; please do lemme know, anyone who knows – thanks!
Now. I have to get it out of the way and tell you I won’t be publishing the images, however unless you’re Bambino, you’ve probably already seen the naked photos.
Why I’m not including the nakeys: For one thing I’d probably get sued by the Royal Family – this is something I imagine would be a royal pain in the ass and I’d rather just leave that job to the painful bowel movements of life. Believe me they do the job well enough. But the real reason I won’t publish? My hesitation lies mainly in the fact that, like a normal person, I am kind of incapable of being so base. I say “kind of” because I want to leave room for being much more base in the future, should I choose one day to dispose of my moral compass in exchange for money like so many once-legitimate writers before me. But I digress. If you haven’t already seen the photos and you reaaaally wanna see the photos, wtf is wrong with you, but also- just go to the internet and visit any website, anywhere. Because they are omnipresent. It’s almost like you’re cooler if you *haven’t* seen them, that’s how many eyes have seen them thanks to all major news outlets covering this and not poverty in America. (<== self-righteousness win)
So yeah, it’s officially official. I, along with the rest of the world and also my dog, we have all seen that which is Kate Middleton’s boobs. And hey, guess what? They look exactly like I expected they would: like boobs.
It’s not like this is new to us; it’s my understanding (ok, I’ve seen them) that there are already myriad Kate Middleton upskirt-sexual-violation-shots (street name: Panty Flashers - as if flashing was ever the intent of the women captured in those types of paparazzi pictures), and they are totally available for your viewing pleasure on the internet. This sexual violation stuff is old hat. We’ve even pretty much seen sister Pippa’s tushie, if you take away the thin layer of material that separated her tushie from THE PRYING EYES OF THE WORLD, or, everyone who innocently tuned in that day to witness a Royal wedding take place and saw PippaAss. And so now we’ve seen Kate’s whole enchilada. The boobie burrito, if you will. The Lake Titicaca, as it were. The pigmented ring of skin surrounding her nipples. And her nipps. And all of the boobs she has- two to be exact.
And people are pissed. Pissed, not outraged; outraged is what we were when the first naked pics of celebrities started buoying to the surface of the internet. OMG people were so pissed then. But then it became the norm. As we all know, many modern celebrity careers are now [maddeningly] built upon the release of a sex tape or a nude photo. Yuck and congrats. Enjoy the cocaine dependency and lifelong debilitating self-criticism.
But this is the Royal Family of that place where it rains mostly. And that fact has not been lost on them; you bet your naked tits it hasn’t. They’re suing the pants off the offending French magazine Closer (the magazine that was approached only AFTER the British Closer turned down the pics LIKE A BOSS).
So… everything that’s happened; it’s terrible right? Not in my opinion.
In fact I’m not so upset that it happened. I’ve got to say, I’m happy girls the world over saw Kate’s chest. Stay with me on this–lemme explain:
I’m not glad that there are people who make it their life’s work to track down young women in compromising and/or vulnerable positions and then rake in the Benjamins with stolen images of their naked bodies. That, I vehemently hate.
So let me explain where I’m coming from on this:
I have natural boobs. And by that I mean, I have the kinds of boobs that you see in 70′s pornos. Teardrop-shaped, typical boobs. Average size, like my Mom’s boobs. (HI MOM!) I was always happy with my boobs, my whole life! UNTIL IT HAPPENED.
One day I noticed a girl on a billboard who was half-naked. I know that’s all billboards, sorry — the point is she was wearing a very transparent shirt, NO BRA and, in what seemed a feat of magic….... her boobs had a curved visible line ON THE TOP OF THE BOOBS, not just on the bottom of the boobs. WHAT? It made no sense, my boobs were nothing like this. My teenaged jaw dropped, I felt defeated. I didn’t understand how she could have cleavage 360 degrees around her boobs. They were orbs, floating on her chest, and they were magical. Magical floating boob orbs. I WANTED THEM, AND NOW.
Fast-forward to realizing implants exist, and me trying really hard to continue liking my own boobs, the ones I received genetically. Hopeless. They were hardly orb-like; much more pointy, almost triangular like I had two small flesh pyramids coming out of my chest. I didn’t realize this was *normal* because there was a New Normal, and it wasn’t the one where gay people are adopting babies on primetime television. It was Implant Culture, and I was in the thick of it.
I asked for a boob job my senior year of high school. I was serious, and it was completely out of character. My parents were SHOCKED. Absolutely SHOCKED. It was like WTF happened to Alison?!! If you know my parents, you know the answer to my request was an emphatic NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL. And while I was disappointed – I wanted them more than I wanted anything in my whole life up until this point – I gave up on the hope of purchasing Boob Power, and decided to trust my parents on this one. They tended to have good advice, like that time they told me that all those kids who talk behind your back are just unhappy and want to redirect their unhappiness onto you. (They nailed that one; though I realized this much later of course.) So here’s what my folks told me about my boobs: they said they “would grow in later, like your sister’s boobs. She was wasn’t a C-cup until she turned 30, Alison!” Lies. All lies. I knew it wasn’t true; Jenny was sporting knockers out the womb. It felt hopeless, but I chose to believe them; what the hell else was I going to do? Think I’d never have boobs? It wasn’t an option, being a young woman. I felt my only chance at finding a guy who would love me was if I had jiggling tits. I mean that IS what every magazine advertisement/magazine spread/tv commercial/tv show/my peers/my internal voice were all telling me…
What worries me is that, even though most of us understand that tits aren’t meant to look like skin-enveloped magic 8 balls, it doesn’t mean everyone who NEEDS to know this, KNOWS THIS. In fact I’m pretty sure young boys are growing up thinking natural tatas are perfectly rounded and high up and that that’s normal for a woman’s body. Because like I said, it’s all over every advertisement, tv show and magazine. How can young boys NOT be thinking this is normal, I ask you?
I, Alison, have my own shame when it comes to how my tits are perceived by others, and like most women, I am constantly a work in progress. But what I’m more concerned about is what this bodes for future generations. Ones that were born into our Implant Culture. Not that there’s anything wrong with having implants, I’m not saying that. But you get what I’m saying. Normalizing fake bodily features and placing them on a pedestal above what is naturally-occurring… I dunno… but I do know it’s gotta be a dangerous path to go down.
I’m not a teenager anymore, and my boobs did eventually grow in. I’m currently anywhere from a large A to a small C, depending on what day of the week it is, and whether or not I’ve recently tripped and fell on my face/boobs, swelling up my boobs to unrecognizable proportions. (I swear this is by accident.) My boobs are constantly in flux; something I didn’t know was normal for boobs to be, until very recently, because we simply are not taught this in school or tv or in magazines. For example: catch me at the beginning of my menstrual cycle and they’re larger than the ocean blue… and they swell just as much. At this time they’re also The Most Tender, which is pretty painful… plus I’m bleeding out for 5 days straight, so really what’s the use in having big’uns if you can’t really enjoy them AMIRITE LADIES.
So when I saw Kate’s boobs, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. I think I became a tad bit happier that day, being a woman trying to make it in this modern-day over-sexualized and over-surgically-manipulated world. Her tits did that for me. They made me feel a little bit more normal.
- Like mine, Kate Middleton’s breasts are sort of tear-drop-shaped.
- Like mine, they take on a different appearance, depending on her position; lying down, standing up, bending over.
- Like mine, when the princess is lying down like Kate Winslet did in Titanic, I bet her breasts lose their volume and droop, or almost disappear/flatten, making it look like she has no boob to speak of. (One my least favorite things about having real boobs. But I sit here, comforted by the fact that she and I probably have this in common.)
- Like mine, Kate Middleton’s breasts aren’t perfect. Well hers are damn near CLOSE to perfect… but still, they’re unique to her, which is the coolest thing about boobs – no pair are alike. No TWO are alike, either, even on the same chest.
Let’s start celebrating things like that. Let’s start celebrating what we’ve got. I’m gonna try my best from now on.
And thank you, Kate Middleton; you’ve unwittingly provided a way for me to love myself as I am just a little bit more.
Ok now… I’d love for us all to talk about this. Whether or not you have implants is not what matters here – I have friends in both parties, and love and respect them equally. My question is: Would you say the increasing prevalence of breast implants in modern culture has at any point impacted the way you see your own breasts? Does anyone know what I mean, when I speak of feeling a tinge of what I’ll call “breast-inadequacy?” (omg PLEASE don’t let me be alone in this. If I ever wanted to know other people feel the way I do it is this time, today. The day on which I told the internet exactly what my breasts look like. I’m starting to regret this so I’m going to press Publish right now.)
P.S. – Thanks to everyone who offered up suggestions for what to call her bosooms in the title of this post. I literally came up with the royal tenenbaums thing the moment I tweeted that tweet for suggestions, so my apologies for failing to employ what were some delightfully delicious boob nicknames. I’ve been retweeting them though, so I hope that’s good enough! Also THANKS FOR BEING THE COOLEST READERS AND ACTUALLY OFFERING ME BOOB NICKNAMES AT MY REQUEST. I don’t think I could ask for anything more than people who are willing to suggest boob nicknames to me on their public twitters. That’s real friendship. Hopefully one day I will somehow be able to repay you in kind.