GIRL TALK + WINNERS | Appy Couple Custom Designs + Princess Kate’s Royal TenenBoobs and Me: My (Embarrassing) Personal Story.

Happy late evening, bubbuhbears!  I just called you guys what we call Bambino, AWWWWWW.  I think that means I love you.

Quick update on house hunting: we’re taking a respite from house hunting.  Bout a week or so, cool our jets.  Personally I don’t think I can engage in one more professional, non-childish discussion with a realtor about septic systems, low flow toilets and tampon thickness without laughing through it from beginning to end.  So, house hunting?  Back-burnered for a bit.  As I was writing that Honey just sent me 10 new houses to look at and provide feedback for… so… it’s not over, and I’m lying?  I have NFI.

LISTEN UP ladies and fiances of ladies, I know why most of you are here today (other than for pictures of Bambino) and I know it’s not to listen to me complain about not being about to flush my used tampons down the toilet.  It’s either because A) you’d like to see what cool knotty reader-inspired app designs resulted from that amazeballs custom design giveaway we did with the brilliant wedding-app-designing minds of Appy Couple, OR it’s because B) you’re mildly interested in reading my take on the tale of Princess Middleton’s tatas.  So, without further adieu… BOTH OF THE THINGS:

I’ve got the list of winners as well as their chosen designs, below!  (FYI: They’re not yet available on the Appy Couple site but will go live quite soon.)  So chickitty check it out below; these designs were super seriously created off of YOUR submitted inspiration, and these are the ones chosen by the four of you guys whose inspiration won out big time!  Biiiiig tyyyyyyyme.  I’m a proud mama right now, because there were only supposed to be three winners.  But apparently you guys were so inspiring, they chose four.  Good job, you guys.  WAY TO BE.  WAY TO MAKE MAMABEAR PROUD.  Oh you did it for your own personal satisfaction and not to make me feel like raising you for the last 18 years of my life at the cost of my personal freedom and nest egg was finally worth it?  Oh?  Oh.  Ok fair enough.

1. Katie Gennaro ~ She named her design Lovebirds:

2. Allison Youngblood ~ Her design is called Forest Dream:

3. Shelly Huang ~ Her design is called Rustic City Love:

4. Laura Lloyd ~ She named her app Caputo Florals:

As my Mom has learned to say, recently: NIIIICE.  Nice job, ladies, srsly.  Love them.  (Are you feelin any favorites, you guys?  I’m partial to most of them – four, to be exact.)

First things first: she’s called a princess, right?  Or is it Duchess.  I always forget what to call her.  I’ve ruled out Boobs McGee and The Middleton Without The $12,000 Ass (see: here, first paragraph) so it’s down to those other two; please do lemme know, anyone who knows – thanks!

Now.  I have to get it out of the way and tell you I won’t be publishing the images, however unless you’re Bambino, you’ve probably already seen the naked photos.

Why I’m not including the nakeys: For one thing I’d probably get sued by the Royal Family – this is something I imagine would be a royal pain in the ass and I’d rather just leave that job to the painful bowel movements of life.  Believe me they do the job well enough.  But the real reason I won’t publish?  My hesitation lies mainly in the fact that, like a normal person, I am kind of incapable of being so base.  I say “kind of” because I want to leave room for being much more base in the future, should I choose one day to dispose of my moral compass in exchange for money like so many once-legitimate writers before me.  But I digress.  If you haven’t already seen the photos and you reaaaally wanna see the photos, wtf is wrong with you, but also- just go to the internet and visit any website, anywhere.  Because they are omnipresent.  It’s almost like you’re cooler if you *haven’t* seen them, that’s how many eyes have seen them thanks to all major news outlets covering this and not poverty in America.  (<== self-righteousness win)

So yeah, it’s officially official.  I, along with the rest of the world and also my dog, we have all seen that which is Kate Middleton’s boobs.  And hey, guess what?  They look exactly like I expected they would: like boobs.

It’s not like this is new to us; it’s my understanding (ok, I’ve seen them) that there are already myriad Kate Middleton upskirt-sexual-violation-shots (street name: Panty Flashers - as if flashing was ever the intent of the women captured in those types of paparazzi pictures), and they are totally available for your viewing pleasure on the internet.  This sexual violation stuff is old hat.  We’ve even pretty much seen sister Pippa’s tushie, if you take away the thin layer of material that separated her tushie from THE PRYING EYES OF THE WORLD, or, everyone who innocently tuned in that day to witness a Royal wedding take place and saw PippaAss.  And so now we’ve seen Kate’s whole enchilada.  The boobie burrito, if you will.  The Lake Titicaca, as it were.  The pigmented ring of skin surrounding her nipples.  And her nipps.  And all of the boobs she has- two to be exact.

And people are pissed.  Pissed, not outraged; outraged is what we were when the first naked pics of celebrities started buoying to the surface of the internet.  OMG people were so pissed then.  But then it became the norm.  As we all know, many modern celebrity careers are now [maddeningly] built upon the release of a sex tape or a nude photo.  Yuck and congrats.  Enjoy the cocaine dependency and lifelong debilitating self-criticism.

But this is the Royal Family of that place where it rains mostly.  And that fact has not been lost on them; you bet your naked tits it hasn’t.  They’re suing the pants off the offending French magazine Closer (the magazine that was approached only AFTER the British Closer turned down the pics LIKE A BOSS).

So… everything that’s happened; it’s terrible right?  Not in my opinion.

In fact I’m not so upset that it happened.  I’ve got to say, I’m happy girls the world over saw Kate’s chest.  Stay with me on this–lemme explain:

I’m not glad that there are people who make it their life’s work to track down young women in compromising and/or vulnerable positions and then rake in the Benjamins with stolen images of their naked bodies.  That, I vehemently hate.

So let me explain where I’m coming from on this:

I have natural boobs.  And by that I mean, I have the kinds of boobs that you see in 70′s pornos.  Teardrop-shaped, typical boobs.  Average size, like my Mom’s boobs.  (HI MOM!)  I was always happy with my boobs, my whole life!  UNTIL IT HAPPENED.

One day I noticed a girl on a billboard who was half-naked.  I know that’s all billboards, sorry — the point is she was wearing a very transparent shirt, NO BRA and, in what seemed a feat of magic….... her boobs had a curved visible line ON THE TOP OF THE BOOBS, not just on the bottom of the boobs.  WHAT?  It made no sense, my boobs were nothing like this.  My teenaged jaw dropped, I felt defeated.  I didn’t understand how she could have cleavage 360 degrees around her boobs.  They were orbs, floating on her chest, and they were magical.  Magical floating boob orbs.  I WANTED THEM, AND NOW.

Fast-forward to realizing implants exist, and me trying really hard to continue liking my own boobs, the ones I received genetically.  Hopeless.  They were hardly orb-like; much more pointy, almost triangular like I had two small flesh pyramids coming out of my chest.  I didn’t realize this was *normal* because there was a New Normal, and it wasn’t the one where gay people are adopting babies on primetime television.  It was Implant Culture, and I was in the thick of it.

I asked for a boob job my senior year of high school.  I was serious, and it was completely out of character.  My parents were SHOCKED.  Absolutely SHOCKED.  It was like WTF happened to Alison?!!  If you know my parents, you know the answer to my request was an emphatic NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL.  And while I was disappointed – I wanted them more than I wanted anything in my whole life up until this point – I gave up on the hope of purchasing Boob Power, and decided to trust my parents on this one.  They tended to have good advice, like that time they told me that all those kids who talk behind your back are just unhappy and want to redirect their unhappiness onto you.  (They nailed that one; though I realized this much later of course.)  So here’s what my folks told me about my boobs: they said they “would grow in later, like your sister’s boobs.  She was wasn’t a C-cup until she turned 30, Alison!”  Lies.  All lies.  I knew it wasn’t true; Jenny was sporting knockers out the womb.  It felt hopeless, but I chose to believe them; what the hell else was I going to do?  Think I’d never have boobs?  It wasn’t an option, being a young woman.  I felt my only chance at finding a guy who would love me was if I had jiggling tits.  I mean that IS what every magazine advertisement/magazine spread/tv commercial/tv show/my peers/my internal voice were all telling me…

What worries me is that, even though most of us understand that tits aren’t meant to look like skin-enveloped magic 8 balls, it doesn’t mean everyone who NEEDS to know this, KNOWS THIS.   In fact I’m pretty sure young boys are growing up thinking natural tatas are perfectly rounded and high up and that that’s normal for a woman’s body.  Because like I said, it’s all over every advertisement, tv show and magazine.  How can young boys NOT be thinking this is normal, I ask you?

I, Alison, have my own shame when it comes to how my tits are perceived by others, and like most women, I am constantly a work in progress.  But what I’m more concerned about is what this bodes for future generations.  Ones that were born into our Implant Culture.  Not that there’s anything wrong with having implants, I’m not saying that.  But you get what I’m saying.  Normalizing fake bodily features and placing them on a pedestal above what is naturally-occurring… I dunno… but I do know it’s gotta be a dangerous path to go down.

I’m not a teenager anymore, and my boobs did eventually grow in.  I’m currently anywhere from a large A to a small C, depending on what day of the week it is, and whether or not I’ve recently tripped and fell on my face/boobs, swelling up my boobs to unrecognizable proportions.  (I swear this is by accident.)  My boobs are constantly in flux; something I didn’t know was normal for boobs to be, until very recently, because we simply are not taught this in school or tv or in magazines.  For example: catch me at the beginning of my menstrual cycle and they’re larger than the ocean blue… and they swell just as much.  At this time they’re also The Most Tender, which is pretty painful… plus I’m bleeding out for 5 days straight, so really what’s the use in having big’uns if you can’t really enjoy them AMIRITE LADIES.

So when I saw Kate’s boobs, I actually breathed a sigh of relief.  I think I became a tad bit happier that day, being a woman trying to make it in this modern-day over-sexualized and over-surgically-manipulated world.  Her tits did that for me.  They made me feel a little bit more normal.

  1. Like mine, Kate Middleton’s breasts are sort of tear-drop-shaped.
  2. Like mine, they take on a different appearance, depending on her position; lying down, standing up, bending over.
  3. Like mine, when the princess is lying down like Kate Winslet did in Titanic, I bet her breasts lose their volume and droop, or almost disappear/flatten, making it look like she has no boob to speak of.  (One my least favorite things about having real boobs.  But I sit here, comforted by the fact that she and I probably have this in common.)
  4. Like mine, Kate Middleton’s breasts aren’t perfect.  Well hers are damn near CLOSE to perfect… but still, they’re unique to her, which is the coolest thing about boobs – no pair are alike.  No TWO are alike, either, even on the same chest.

Let’s start celebrating things like that.  Let’s start celebrating what we’ve got.  I’m gonna try my best from now on.

And thank you, Kate Middleton; you’ve unwittingly provided a way for me to love myself as I am just a little bit more.

Ok now… I’d love for us all to talk about this.  Whether or not you have implants is not what matters here – I have friends in both parties, and love and respect them equally.  My question is: Would you say the increasing prevalence of breast implants in modern culture has at any point impacted the way you see your own breasts?  Does anyone know what I mean, when I speak of feeling a tinge of what I’ll call “breast-inadequacy?”  (omg PLEASE don’t let me be alone in this.  If I ever wanted to know other people feel the way I do it is this time, today.  The day on which I told the internet exactly what my breasts look like.  I’m starting to regret this so I’m going to press Publish right now.)

-Alison

P.S. – Thanks to everyone who offered up suggestions for what to call her bosooms in the title of this post.  I literally came up with the royal tenenbaums thing the moment I tweeted that tweet for suggestions, so my apologies for failing to employ what were some delightfully delicious boob nicknames.  I’ve been retweeting them though, so I hope that’s good enough!  Also THANKS FOR BEING THE COOLEST READERS AND ACTUALLY OFFERING ME BOOB NICKNAMES AT MY REQUEST.  I don’t think I could ask for anything more than people who are willing to suggest boob nicknames to me on their public twitters.  That’s real friendship.  Hopefully one day I will somehow be able to repay you in kind.

P.P.S. – You might interested in other bulls**t I’ve said about important British people, like here and here.  Also, here.  Also also- here.

Label(s): Girl Talk, Mr. McPuppyPants, Real Life Issues

Love all of this...

14 comments

  1. Anni on September 19, 2012

    I hope you know that I felt the need to look up the photos (I had resisted temptation in a weird sense of respect for Kate’s privacy, until I realized she doesn’t know who I am and probably doesn’t care because, let’s face it, she looks pretty damn good.) until reading this post, and I just had to Google it.

    Anyway.

    I’m with you 100% on all of this, and not just when I was Twitter-bombing you with alternative names for boobs. I really think it’s sad that in our society we praise the plastic fantastic approach and then act as if people are born looking that way. Especially because, in reality, the most beautiful people seem to be the ones who are described as imperfect. I think the only way to combat this is to not go negative – not only when talking about others, but when talking about ourselves. If the next generation constantly hears us praising people for unattainable standards of beauty and putting ourselves down, they’re going to do the same, and that is horribly sad.

    Reply
  2. Sara {Burnett's Boards} on September 20, 2012

    Hey Allison,

    I read your blog and enjoy your writing and lovely wedding inspiration, but I have to say I cringed that you said that you were glad that Kate’s pictures were out in the public because they made you feel better about yourself. I agree with your message – that us ladies should celebrate what we’ve got, but whether to or not to show them to the world is a personal choice we should each be allowed to make, Kate Middleton included. She didn’t want her boobs shown to the world, and I am sure the violation she’s feeling right now is extreme, otherwise she and her family wouldn’t be going to such lengths to get the images removed.

    I guess it just came as a surprise to me that someone like you who reaches so many female views/readers and is waving the natural beauty banner would be glad that something like that happened to someone else because it made you feel better about the way you look. When something like this happens to another woman who didn’t want it, I don’t want my someday future daughter to think ‘yay! my boobs look like hers!’ – I want her to be one of the ones who is confident enough in herself already to not have to google and gawk at pictures of a girl who didn’t want or ask for this.

    Reply
  3. Chelsea on September 20, 2012

    Yes. I feel you 100% on the feeling inadequate breasts. I felt like I needed more throughout middle/hs and then I got older and somehow I came to appreciate what I had naturally. Do I still buy ridiculous push up bras from victorias secret, and get excited on the days my boobs look bigger, hell yes. But I have learned to accept they are a part of me, that I am how I am supposed to be, and why should I change that?They are pretty damn fabulous as they are. If any man doesn’t love me because my boobs aren’t ginormous DD’s that feel like hard softballs, he is so.not.worth.it.

    Especially bc very few guys are well endowed, but they don’t wear it on the front of their shirt like us so they should just shut up about size and ideals, because COME ON they aren’t all porn stars.

    Reply
  4. gigi on September 20, 2012

    I feel as you do. Kate now holds a position
    in the Royal Family whereby the unrelenting Paparazzi
    will always attempt to photograph her. It is very unfortunate for her. That being said, since her boobs are now out there, ( I have not looked) one might as well use the pics as a “teaching moment.” I applaud your very personal story and your attempt at trying to ease the fragile (body image) minds of young women who have normal breasts, just like “Royalty” does.

    Reply
  5. Alison on September 20, 2012

    Yes! Gigi, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do here. Thank you, I really appreciate your feedback. This post was really awkward for me since I forced myself to share some pretty embarrassing stuff. It’s always in an effort to show others they’re not alone, so I’m glad it was received the way I intended by some (hopefully most?) :) xx!

    Reply
  6. Caleigh on September 20, 2012

    Hi Alison, just found your blog a few days ago and have Lit.Er.Al.Ly. been reading it non stop for the past 48 hours (well. whenever I’m home, that is, and not, you know, busy). Anyways, LOVE your blog, LOVE your humor!

    Just an FYI, Kate is NOT a princess, she’s a duchess. It’s probably the Canadian in me, but it drives me batty when people call her a princess! NO! She is NOT a princess! She’s a DUCHess. Even tho she’s NOT dutch, she’s a DUCHess :) Thank you for letting me rant.

    PS I TOTALLY get the whole BOOBS thing. One of my EXboyfriends had ‘porn body syndrome’. He literally, like ACTUALLY thought all boobs looked like fake boobs. I allowed him to make me feel terrible about myself because of his opinions. Thankfully I had enough of that sh*t and dumped his ass on the sidewalk and kicked it to the curb. Met a guy who I’m now set to marry next year who loves (so he says) my droopy boobies, lack of elasticity n all :D

    Reply
  7. Twin on September 20, 2012

    Allison, Thanks for saying what I was feeling. “Finally, the world gets to see regular breasts on someone famous!” Take that Kardashians! I am just getting into your blog since my daughter just got engaged!

    Reply
  8. Lena on September 20, 2012

    Hello there, best take on the Middleton BoobGate ever–talk about perspective! Of course, I feel awful that the poor girl can’t hang out at home wearing whatever she feels like without worrying that someone’s snapping photos with a foot-long lens. It would also make me super paranoid about the placement of bathrooms, etc. But despite all the brewhaha about the fact that her bosoms were all over the internets, the truth is that they’re breasts, just like anyone else’s.

    I worked in a restaurant known for chicken wings and breasts in college–my parents insisted I get one of those job things, and I was determined to make them regret it. But the thing I learned that summer was BOOB JOBS–the best methods, the best surgeons, the best fillers, the best boobs for sale. And if you want breast implants, definitely buy the best. But shouldn’t the best boobs be the ones that move naturally, that feed babies, that don’t leech chemicals into your bloodstream? I certainly hope so.

    Reply
  9. Jenni on September 20, 2012

    YES. I absolutely agree with you. Fake boobs (and porn, and the media in general) have totally distorted our view of what books really look like.

    Ditto for pubic hair… but that’s a whole other can of worms!!

    Reply
  10. martie on September 21, 2012

    i came over to read your entire post via another blog, i had to see for my self if you really wrote what they said you did…wow! you really did. ~ i agree with sara’s comment above 100%. it’s a shame that someone else had to be “violated” for you to feel better about yourself. just an fyi – if you were searching for validation that you are normal that not everyone has perfect breasts then i’m guessing you could have probably found quite a few websites showcasing women that have “chosen” to “show” their bodies that you are indeed “normal”. no issue with your post, just an issue with as sara put it ~gawking at pictures of a girl who didn’t want or ask for this to make yourself feel better ~ i hope your readers read and love without feeling the need to search and peek at this young woman. ~ who is someone’s sister, wife, daughter, friend.

    Reply
  11. Will on September 21, 2012

    Responding to the comment by “martie” – did you read this woman’s whole post? Weird single conclusion to draw. That’s not the msg she’s sending the way I read it. Everyone gets an opinion though I guess.

    Reply
  12. Maire on September 23, 2012

    Loving my body can be so difficult. I think all people can relate to this. And it isn’t just about cosmetic things such as breast appearance and YES Jenni! Pubic hair, but also internal things. It’s hard to always be happy with a body that can’t have dairy or shell fish or be around dogs or have babies or is dyslexic or any number of things. Some days it is easier than others, some days it is harder. And I agree with you, Alison. It is a little easier to be happy with your body when you know you aren’t the only one who is a certain way. If there are people who have to troll the Internet to find images of others who look like them so they gain self-confidence, then I guess that is better than those people projecting their dissatisfaction on happy people and I hope they find what they are looking for. Bottom line, no one is ever 100% happy with their body 100% of the time and that is ok. It is as normal as Kate’s perfectly natural looking breasts. The end.

    Reply
  13. cassie on September 25, 2012

    Don’t know why everyone is so mad about Kate “showing” her boobies. They’re in Europe. Isn’t it a normal European thing to do when sunning / at beaches, etc? That’s why my travel lady said anyways! And it’s not like she was doing it purposely to be slutty or even “show” anyone! A girl just can’t get any privacy, I suppose.

    Side note: I love Bambino. I needz one. Is he a frenchie? I’ll puppysit anytime :)

    Reply
  14. Alison on September 25, 2012

    Cassie – yup he’s a frenchie. You DO needz one, they iz adorbsables. :) Thanks for your comment!

    Reply

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