TOP 10 EMBARRASSING THINGS ABOUT ME | The Holidays Are Here! Studies Show Couples Fight Approximately a Shit Ton During This Time. Let Me Distract You From It.

Yeah so I just thought I’d start off this post with some cheery pictures a la up top from the last few days, since we’re about to get into some heavy shit here.  

One more pic for the road, below; it’s a couple of personally-meaningful presents I got for my sister.  She has two kids and therefore no time to read the blog/find out early so I risk nothing by sharing with you.  Winning!  (Trying to bring back “winning” – is it working?  No?  It’s not working ok fine.)

So.  I’m UHHHHH.. I’m not sure if you’ve been keeping track here but… Thanksgiving is Thursday.

I know most of you knew that.  I just wanted to make certain everybody is aware.  And I imagine at least 5-25% of my readership is comprised of meth-addicted social pariahs who steal distant neighbors’ unlocked wireless connections and read the blog from bunkers situated on the outskirts of modern society, where they live free of the dictatorial rule of government calendars and forced family celebration days.

Somebody got here once with a search for “christmas meth,” so I’m not just pulling this out of my ass or something.

But forget that.  This post is supposed to be about holiday fighting.  Let’s begin, especially since I have a pressing question for you:

When it comes to the holidays, are your feelings best expressed by this mannequin?

Or are you more like a sad, unfulfilled and anxiety-riddled dog, relentlessly wanting “ups” when he’s just lodged his own foot in his own poo?

Tell me: Have you and your partner already gotten the arguing out of the way, regarding where you’re going to spend the holiday this year?  Or are the two of you popping anxiety pills while you wait for the other one to bring it up?

Or, do you have it all figured out and everybody’s feeling pretty happy?  If so SHARE YOUR SECRETS, WITCH.

Here’s the funny thing about holidays: they are not what they purport to be.  Take Thanksgiving for example.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but Thanksgiving walks around with this swagger, as if it invented the word thankfulness.  It’s all “let’s give thanks” and “this is a time for family togetherness” and “eat three pieces of pie, you’re allowed, it’s me T-Give!”  And such, and then some, and whatnot.  And really, it shouldn’t be that hard to give thanks on this one day that was created in its name, AMIRITE?  I mean it’s even called Thanksgiving; they spelled it out for you!

I’m being silly, I know.  But think about it– consider the fact that holidays, by definition, are designated *family disappointment* days.  The only question is: who will you let down this year?  Will you let down your family, by coming late/not at all this year?  Or will it be your partner’s family who you’ll inevitably let down in some way?  And will you be able to come to that decision about the nature and severity of the let-downs you’ll be inflicting upon cherished loved ones in a calm and civilized manner?  Or will you try it that way at the start of the conversation but inevitably end up replacing the windows on Passive Aggressiveness Manor?  And, when all is said and done, will you have arrived at a plan that satisfies exclusively one of you, or neither of you sufficiently, or better yet neither of you at all, and not one person in the whole family tree is happy despite obvious sacrifices made on all parts?

So yeah.  It can be *a little tough* to remember the holidays are about closeness, family time, and being thankful for what we do have.  But that’s ok!  It’s ok.  Really, it’s only natural.  If you didn’t get a little angry, or sad, it would mean that you don’t really care about potentially letting down people you care about, or who care about you.  It’s one of the oldest problems in relationships, and it’s probably never going to go away.  It’s actually never going to go away, sorry I was giving you false hope there, my bad.   Until we invent affordably-priced hologram machines and can beam Tupac into every American home ocean to ocean, all we can be responsible for is ourselves.  Being humble, thankful human beings and doing our best to make others and ourselves sufficiently happy.

That’s understandable… the holidays can be a rough time.  And really, no amount of me, a random girl on the internet, talking about it is going to help the fact that Thanksgiving and every other big holiday at that, can be wrought with conflict…

… so to help you feel a little bit better, I’ve listed out a few of the worst things I can think of – body-wise – that to me are far worse than the dreaded where-are-we-going-for-the-holidays decision-making process.  Here they are, in no particular order (because each is as bad as the last):

1. Having to make a speech to an audience, and feeling the diarrhea fairy leaving a present in your colon 5 minutes before you have to go on stage.

2. Showering in anticipation of sexual intercourse, and having to poop the moment you step out.

3. The poop in #2 not being a clean pinch.

4. Having to fart, whenever you are not alone.

5. Having to stop a poop prematurely, for any reason at all.

6. Your ex-boyfriend’s roommate walking in on you peeing, because his bathroom is cleaner than your boyfriend’s.

7. Feeling the urge to make an unpredictable poop 10 minutes before a first date.  Also: having to make the decision to release it, or power through and hope for the best.  (This decision is made easier if you do not practice *putting out* on the first date.  Which makes me realize: if I have a daughter, I will be cooking her a 4-course-meal one hour before every single first date for the rest of her life.)

8. Having to poop anywhere between the beginning of the second date, thru until the current year of your relationship because that shit never stops being annoying.

9. Having to make on a roadtrip, when the road is a flat, wide open and heavily traveled 2-hour stretch, devoid of bathrooms.

10. Being the criminal who gets his police interrogation filmed by a documentary film crew, and then afterwards having to poop into a machine.  A little out of place but I was watching a drug documentary and having to poo in a drug loo that separates trafficked drugs from your excrement has got to be up there among Hugest Drags in life.  Sorry, criminals.

The DrugLoo!  Something that exists in this world.  #themoreyouknow #rainbowgraphic

(Ok, now: consider reading that list over, but this time with the knowledge that all but one of these things have happened to me.  Guess which one I got to avoid?  Go ahead, guess.)

So with all of that in mind, here are the two pieces of advice I have for you this week:

Drink more water, it helps.  And at least try to loosen the fuck up.  Aright?

I’m curious to know how you guys handle the holidays–

What do you do when the holidays roll around, and you have to make those plans?  Is it tough?  What have you decided?

xx!  - Alison

P.S. – Love ya!  Happy T-Give!

P.P.S. – Bambino says he loves you.  He made me tell you that.  He also made me take this picture of him and put hearts around it (all his idea).

Label(s): {Holiday}

Love all of this...

10 comments

  1. Hi Alison,

    Loved your shit list, especially #7 and the comment about your future daughter.

    I can add one worse shit situation that I am sure every woman who has given birth will recognize.

    Trying to go after giving birth, when you haven’t gone for 3 or 4 days and you have an episiotomy (I think that is how you spell it, but spell check doesn’t agree). Anyway, it means stitches in a very tender spot.

    This is especially stress producing when every time you try, someone comes to visit and see the new baby and you have to appear all happy and comfortable.

    Hope you have a great Thanksgiving weekend!

    Cheers,
    Sharon

    Reply
    • Alison on November 22, 2012

      Sharon, that kind of sounds like hell on earth.

      Oh the humanity.

      Reply
  2. Jenelle on November 22, 2012

    I got another horrifying one for the list. In the Army we have periodic urinalysis. This is where you have to pee in a cup while someone watches you. But sometimes you can’t go number one without going number two first. There is no apology big enough for that. Talk about humiliating! (Ha! Poop is funny!)

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Reply
  3. Alison on November 22, 2012

    Jenelle – Oh. My. Goodness. At this point I am coming to the realization that I am *definitely* not Army Strong. That is some true strength right there.

    I salute you.

    Reply
  4. Meghan on November 24, 2012

    Omg DYING right now. I have Celiac’s, so I can basically hit the bathroom at any given moment and deliver. Probably why I tend to stick to long term relationships.

    Oh and I saw the drug-loo too!!!! When I was in London in August, I watched this British show about busting people smuggling [insert anything illegal] in and one had swallowed about $40K of cocaine in condoms….sucks being the dude that has to sort through that! (And yes, they showed it all!)

    As for the holidays….my first LT BF’s dad and step-mum lived 2 hrs away but celebrated Danish style, i.e. on Christmas Eve. So he was usually dying after being there for about two hours (major cat allergy, they have 2), so he would wheeze his way home in time for Xmas dinner #2 on Xmas day with my family. The next LTBF was from another province, so he would go home for Xmas and I would stay here with my family (hindsight – thank god!). The last one (I would say current but right now he isn’t), well his family lives in the UK, so he either goes home or stays here. SO much easier. I have enough on my plate between my parents and my sisters in-laws to worry about my own holiday conflicts!

    Oh and I equate Xmas to thanksgiving in this post because, from what I understand, thanksgiving is a bigger holiday than Xmas to a lot of people in the US, whereas Xmas rules all here in Canada.

    Anyway, thanks for a great post and keep the pup pics coming…you know Bam is my way of vicariously having one of my own!!

    Reply
  5. Wedding Place on November 24, 2012

    It’s a funny list there, I actually can’t stop laughing.

    Reply
  6. JuliaEnchanted on November 26, 2012

    We started that conversation early this year, and I think we settled on it around August. That way the tension had pretty much dissipated by the time we got to the actual holidays. It’s our first year doing the holidays, though, so it may get worse. The plan is to do one family for thanksgiving and one for Xmas and switch off each year. eventually we’ll have to break the pattern I’m sure, but it will hold us for a while at least.

    Reply
  7. Gloria Mesa Photography on November 29, 2012

    This is something I am going to try.. So funny!! Love it.

    Reply
  8. lauren on December 12, 2012

    This site is awesome! Love, thank you!!!

    Reply
  9. Lisa on December 18, 2012

    I was embarassed during my wedding speech, reminded me of all the other things I am embarassed about haha. I found out the only way to cope with it is to embrace those things and stop feeling bad about them. It’s what makes you special.

    Reply

Leave a comment