GIRL TALK: I can’t wait to have a baby/potentially lose everything I hold dear aside from that baby.

Ah, babies.

Aren’t they the worst?  Jk, jk, I love babies, I do.  They smell like warm pancakes on a crisp November morning while sitting in a room full of babies.

Oo did you hear?  Kate Middleton’s having one.  I heard she’s so excited she can’t stop throwing up.  Every morning.

Recently another friend of ours announced she was pregnant – I can’t wait to touch her baby.  I know that sounds weird but I look forward to handling her baby constantly.  So yeah– that makes approximately everyone we know, is pregnant.  Or is pregnant and already has children.

No pressure.

If you follow me on twitter, you’re no stranger to my feelings on getting pregnant/bearing children.

If you don’t, it can be summed up as Abject Terror, at the mere thought of experiencing any of it on a personal level.  The pregnancy, the harrowing – on both of our parts – escape of my child through my fucking VAGINA.  The same one I’ve really been enjoying all these years, just as it is right now.  The concept of my birth canal suddenly doing things that it’s built to do, but that feel almost certainly like a deathwish.  There’s also the impact society has had on me in my role as a potential mother.  Living your whole life being exposed to funny jokes about “loose vaginas” and how those vaginas are *wholly undesirable* in the jokes.  Not to mention the whole *having and being responsible for another human being besides yourself, who you end up loving more than yourself, and for the rest of your life (because you really never stop being a parent, emotionally)* part.  Oooh that one terrifies me, just writing it.

When I think about my future and what it looks like, 100% of the time it looks like me sitting by a warm fire with my kids, their dad, Bambino McPuppypants because Bambino will never die, and we’re all sharing stories about our days.  It’s a Rockwell painting, my vision of the future.  I even want the house Rockwell used to own in my old neighborhood.

And so the thing giving me pause is– I can never tell if it’s just a commercial ideal that I’ve adopted as my own, or if it’s like, actually my life’s dream to have children.  And I really don’t want to find out the hard way.

The thing is, I know there are a million reasons to have a baby.  I’ve certainly heard every one of them from all parties that stand to benefit.  Even the wives of Honey’s coworkers are ready to share the wonders of having babies with me at the drop of a dime.  And I have an aching desire to give Honey the opportunity to be a father, too; he is built for the job.  If I were to base it off of how I feel around my baby nieces and nephews, then it goes without saying that I would love love love it – definitely for a few hours of the day, at the least.  I find kids fascinating, especially any of the ones related to me.  I can’t get enough of their one-liners, their adorable faces, the way they’re always trying to learn off of those interacting with them.  The way they’re actively involved in their own personal growth as individuals.  The way they seem to want to be wholly good.  It’s a magical thing to witness and to be able to be a part of.  …I’m at no loss when it comes to reasons.

But there are my fears, too, and the fears are in control right now.

As you can see I have a lot of little fears.  It’s far too long a list for me to get into any sort of detail about… however I’ll try.  There’s my professional life, and how it will be impacted.  There’s my body, and my selfish desire not to eff around with it.  There’s the fear that what everyone tells me about their boobs being deflated will also be my fate.  There’s the fear that breast-feeding will be, “like my child is sucking needles through my nipples,” as my mother described it to be (“but only in rare cases, sweetheart, it might not happen to you!”).  There’s not being able to sleep through the night for the first year.  I walk into walls on less than 5 hours.

There’s my time alone.  I treasure that shit.  It’s how I write.

But I would be lying if I said that was pretty much all of it.  It goes so much deeper than that.  It goes to the part of me who’s afraid that having a baby could one day have adverse effects on my relationship with my partner.  People divorce all the time, and you always hear that the biggest contributors to couples growing apart are money, and the having of children.  I know how I am when I’m stressed; it’s not pretty.  And it’s going to be “not pretty” for at least the first several years of caring for a young child.  Then there’s the part of me that’s insecure about how my body will change.  I want to be able to see my reflection and not immediately turn away.  I’m afraid of how my new body might impact the feelings I have about myself physically, and how that, in turn, might impact my sexual and emotional relationship with my partner.  I was chubbier back in college.  I remember how I felt about myself.  I would haaaate to go back there.

I’ve heard: “every woman goes through her own process.”  Just- some women have an easier time than others.  There are the ones who are seemingly born ready, the ones who come to the decision gradually after a deliberate period of soul-searching, the ones who just *know* it’s not for them, and the ones whose process is akin to climate change.  I’m either in the fourth subsection, or the final throws of the second.  I blame *knowing* too much.

Anyway.  The author of the story I found in my inbox yesterday is one Ms. Sharon Ferris, a woman who I’ve come to know via Twitter of all places.  It truly is a great way to meet people, don’t let anyone tell you different. :)  She wrote it in response to something I tweeted on the topic of childbirth, and she gave me permission to share her essay with all of you.  One more thing about Sharon is that she owns a shop that, if you have the time, you might want to check out if you’re in the market for the kind of stuff she sells, and if you like doing business with the good, honest people of the world.  (She didn’t pay me to mention her business, she’s just given me such good advice for so long so it’s all I can do to pay it forward.)

The words I read, below, have gotten me a little closer to where I’m meant to be as far as this whole baby-making thing is concerned.  I’m hoping it’ll have some sort of impact on anyone else who’s experienced or is currently experiencing a similar struggle.

“If I could somehow avoid the whole ripping my vagina open part of having babies, I would so start our family like right now. No hesitation.”

The other day I read Alison’s tweet about considering motherhood.  Her words brought back many of the fears that I had about having a child, many, many, many years ago.

For some reason when I was young, back in the dark ages (I grew up in the late ‘50’s and early ‘60’s) I always seemed to be out of sync with other girls my age and even with my best friends.  Most of them started dating in high school, went to College or University, finished or not, got engaged, married and had babies.  Some maybe not quite in that order, sometimes the babies started before the marriage and back then mostly resulted in a marriage.  I don’t think that they even consider there might be an option.  I didn’t seem to follow this pattern.

When I was a little girl, I never dreamed of getting married and having babies.  Don’t know why.  All my other friends did.  I thought perhaps I was a little weird (probably was and still am, but now it is more acceptable), but I always thought that I would not get married and couldn’t imagine having a baby – no maternal instincts whatsoever.  I had dolls and some that you put a bottle in the hole in their mouth and the water ran straight through a tube in the doll and out the bottom.  I wasn’t impressed, except to try to figure out how that happened.  Sometimes I had visions of being a scientist and mixed strange concoctions in jars in our basement – nothing dangerous but I always hoped something would happen with the mixtures.  Usually they just went mouldy.  If I had been born twenty-years earlier I might have discovered penicillin.

Enough of my misspent youth!  When I was twelve, my sister had a baby and that was the first close up exposure I had to a baby.  I loved my nephew and played with him and combed his hair like Elvis, but I never wanted one like him to look after.

After many years of dating, I met the man I finally ended up marrying.  I was twenty-eight, which was really old for someone of my generation to be on their first marriage.  We were happy and after two years bought a house.  Both of us worked and it never seemed important to talk about children.  There was a slight problem that neither of us would admit to and tried to hide, even from ourselves – he had a bit of a drinking problem.  Many nights spent worrying about where he was and if he would get home safely, left little time to think about a baby and all that responsibility.

We finally admitted the problem and he went for help and stopped drinking (that is a long story, but not important now).  Everything was wonderful and we started talking about having a baby.  I thought I might want one, but couldn’t imagine being pregnant and going through that birth thing.  It totally grossed me out.  One other problem was that by this time, I was well established in an exciting, great career with a great company and couldn’t imagine giving that up and staying home with a child.

Remember this is in 1975-76 and most women stayed home.  My mother didn’t help by telling me that a mother had to stay with her child and couldn’t go back to work.  Also, every other female in the family stayed home.

My husband said that he didn’t care.  If I wanted to work, that was fine and we would hire a nannie, but I still was having trouble getting over the quilt I was already accepting before I was even pregnant.  And, there was still the whole pregnancy thing and the birth thing.

I was having such problems with the decision that I talked to my family doctor about it.  He suggested that I see a Specialist, a sex-therapist.  I thought, but didn’t say, that I wasn’t having a problem with sex, but just with the possible results of sex.

So, I went to see the sex therapist.  She was a lovely lady in her early to mid-forties, her name was Dr. May Cohen (I will never forget that) and I can’t remember anything about the appointment except that somewhere during the conversation she mentioned that she had five children.  That was the only important comment and I came out thinking that if she had five children and worked, then I could have one and work, and screw what everyone else thought.  That is what made my decision.

We had no trouble getting pregnant.  I know exactly the night that I got pregnant.  We were in Chautauqua, N.Y. for the weekend.  The Chautauqua Institution is very old and the hotels had no air-conditioning. It was one of those nights when you were away on holidays and felt that you should have sex, but neither of you really wanted to do it.  Well, that was the first time without birth control and I got pregnant immediately.  I knew the next day that I was pregnant.  I was 34 years old.

I had always said that I thought that you should be able to have an epidural for the full nine months and I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to have natural childbirth.  Somewhere during this whole decision making process, I actually forgot about the fears of being pregnant and the birthing process.

I didn’t have a bad pregnancy, except for the fact that my son refused to be born.  I was three weeks and four days overdue and started to feel like an elephant.  I know that everyone is saying, oh, that wouldn’t happen today because they would induce you.  Well, they tried to induce me after being two weeks overdue.  I was in the hospital for five days being hooked up every morning to an IV to induce labour.  Nothing happened.  They finally sent me home.  Another week went by and I was again admitted to the hospital.  They said they would try a really old method to induce.  They insert a balloon into the vagina and inflate it and the uterus tries to get rid of this foreign thing.  It worked and I went into labour the next morning and my son was delivered at 9:15 pm that night.

He gets tired of me always telling him that he was three weeks and four days late and has never been on time since.  He tells me it was cozy and he wasn’t in any rush.  The only time he moved quickly is when he played football and was being chased by a defensive back.

Through the whole nine months and the problems with not going into labour, etc., I actually didn’t think about the whole process.  It must be nature’s way of dealing with it.  You are committed and there is nothing you can do about it.  The only time I did panic a wee bit was when the resident tried to give me an epidural.  She was inexperienced, it didn’t work and they said that I might have to have it naturally because the anesthetist was in surgery.  That is when I thought, forget this, give me my clothes, I want to go home.  Luckily, before the pain got unbearable, the anesthetist came out of surgery, administered the epidural and I fell asleep for a couple of hours.

It wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined and I am very glad that I did it, but I would never do it again.  Everyone says that you forget the pain, but I always say, no way, remember, I only have one child.

We hired a nanny.  I had planned to take five months off, but because he was born a month later than expected, I went back to work when he was only two and a half months old.  My aunt said to me at a family party the weekend before I went back to work, aren’t you upset about going back to work and won’t you miss him?  I said no and, honestly, I felt wonderful going back to work.  I was not cut out to be a stay at home mother and while at home I always felt that I was totally out of step with the world.

I have asked him since he grew up if it bothered him that I went back to work, and he said, no. why should it, I had Charm (our nanny who still calls him her baby).  I never regretted it for a minute and he is a wonderful son, my daughter-in-law is great and my two year old granddaughter is even better.  Although, I still am not the motherly type.

This is what you might end up with!

xo, Sharon

I’d love to hear:

Do you identify at all?  Have you ever struggled to figure out what you want to do?

Are you certain you want kids?  Are you uncertain?  What’s your biggest fear?

Excited to discuss this with you guys..

xx!  Alison

If you were wondering: the baby images up top are a font called “MTF Itty Bitty Baby.”  It seemed appropriate.

Label(s): Girl Talk, Mom 'n' Baby, Mr. McPuppyPants, Popular *New*, Then Comes the Baby Carriage

Love all of this...

25 comments

  1. Maire on December 5, 2012

    I love that even though I’ve been married since July and am no longer seeking wedding inspiration, your blog posts are still relevant to my life.

    Reply
  2. Sandy on December 5, 2012

    Girlllllll, you are speaking my language. My whole group of friends, besties included, have mostly all done the wedding thing now and it seems like everyone but me is ready to jump onto the baby train. I feel like I *should* be feeling the same way, but I’m just…not.

    Like you said – all my visions of “the future” include my husband and me and our kids, and we talk about “them” all the time, but the thought of actually being pregnant, going through labor, being responsible for a tiny human FOR ALL TIME? Terrifying.

    Sharon’s thoughts are helpful, but it’s scary to think that it’s possible to go through the whole process in a detached way and just sort of put up with it. Maybe I’m naive, but I’m still holding out for the hope that when the time comes and I actually am “ready”, I won’t still be feeling this way, and will somehow find myself excited about it, rather than nauseous? Ughhh.

    It *could* also have something to do with a certain monster destructo puppy we’ve got…while, like babies, very cute when sleeping, during our awake hours within the last week, she’s destroyed two cell phones and my Kindle. Pretty sure you can’t just lock babies in crates when they’re bad…right?

    Anyway — it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling like this!! Thanks girl!

    Reply
    • Sandy on December 5, 2012

      (oh…but I am still totally downloading that font. Way cute.)

      Reply
  3. Meg G. on December 5, 2012

    This blog has expressed my every fear about child birth. It’s like you took all my thoughts and put them on your blog (and thank you because I would never blog about it! and I also appreciate someone else shares my irrational (maybe rational?) fear of child birth). Sharon’s story… I have to admit is terrifying… pregnant right after getting off birth control?!? I was hoping when, if, I make that decision nature would give me some time to ease into it! Anyway, thanks for a post that speaks right to me!!!

    Reply
  4. Emily on December 5, 2012

    I haven’t commented on a blog post in quite a while…but this one…I just had to. Are you in my brain? Because I’m pretty sure almost all of those words could have come out of my mouth, too. I almost don’t have anything to really comment on because you already said it!

    Most of my close girlfriends are in this camp, too. I kind of call it the “One day, I guess” club. Yes, we want kids and know they’re in our future. But not for a few more years and definitely not as a result of “Baby Fever.” My SIL is a “I WAS BORN TO BE A MOTHER! ALL THE BABIES!” type. She couldn’t wait to get married and they started trying once they got back from their honeymoon. It doesn’t make sense to me, but hey, good for her.

    It seems to me like EVERY female I follow on Twitter, many of whom got married around the same time as me (2010), are pregnant or have had their first baby or OMG are already on to their 2nd. What? How is that even possible? Don’t these women like wine? Or being alone?

    Thank you for sharing Sharon’s story (and thanks to Sharon for writing it!) That actually helped a bit. I can definitely identify with her and actually I see a bit of *my* mother in her. :)

    Anyway, all of this to say, I’m on your team. And when all of “us” start having babies, we’re gonna have the coolest club on the block.

    Reply
  5. Gina_AcuteDesigns on December 6, 2012

    Oh yes, do I ever relate. I go through all of these emotions and think all of these things all the time. I do want a baby but I am scared. I assume it will all just work itself out and some things will change….which will be ok :).

    Reply
  6. Kelly on December 6, 2012

    It’s 7am my time and I just read that whole thing because this is honestly my biggest fear. At this point, I’m completely content to not have kids. I’m simpky scared shitless of everything you mentioned up there and more. If I’m honest though, and since this is a wedding blog too, my real biggest fear is that my husband is going ot want them so much that he either 1. leaves me eventually or 2. he feels so unfulfilled that he’s miserable. We talked about it at length (which should be bolded and in in about size 124 font) before we got married, very important, and he is on board with the no having kids thing. When he asked my Dad about his plans to propose (aww) my Dad actually made him promise him that he was okay with never having kids with me. My family knows I love kids, was a nanny for six years even, but that I don’t desire to have my own. Now I’m wavering slightly because EVERYONE I know is getting preggers or already has a kid or two and I think the social pressure is getting to me. …that’s all I’ll say for now. For one of my cousins she said it happened overnight, one day she swore she still wasn’t interested and the next she was asking her husband if they should try. She was 31 when they started trying and it all happened quickly. Maybe the same will happen for me? Still got 5 years…

    Reply
  7. Hannah on December 6, 2012

    this is the exact inner dialogue i’ve been hosting for a few years!

    Reply
  8. Lindsay on December 6, 2012

    First, I love your blog. I anxiously await a new post from you and when one pops up, it’s like Christmas. I was never the matronly type. I never enjoyed babysitting and HATED when someone’s child was screaming and/or throwing a fit in public. I mean, seriously, take the child to the bathroom-or home. And don’t even get me started on kids on planes or buses. From the crying, to the running up and down the aisles to the kicking of the back of my chair as I desperately try to sleep, the amount of bad thoughts that cross my mind are endless. That being said, at some point my mind sort of switched. I began to think about having kids, enjoyed playing with nieces and nephews, and even smiled sympathetically to the mother in the store who was bright red with embarrassment due to her temper tantrum throwing child (after 5 minutes though, my smile turns to a snarl). And now I’m 30 and recently engaged to a wonderful man who just so happens to have two amazing children, ages 11 and 8. We won’t be having our own children-due to the fact that he is 8 years out of diapers and just doesn’t want to start all over (he’s 40). I didn’t think it would bother me, but it did. I had a long talk with myself and decided that I had two options. I could leave this perfect, precious family I have now in the hopes of finding someone else to create our own family (no guarantees on this one-who knows if I can even have kids) or I could embrace these 3 souls who deeply love and cherish me. It wasn’t a hard decision. These kids may not have come out of my vagina, but I love them as if they did. And that’s good enough for me. So I guess… families come in all forms. Just because you don’t have a child (or your own child) doesn’t make your family any less valid. A husband, wife, and bambino still make a perfect family. A baby will simply expand it. Either way, as long as you are at peace with your decision, then it is the right decision for you. And that’s all that really matters.

    Hugs,

    L

    Reply
    • Marie on December 6, 2012

      I just have to jump in and say that this is so beautiful, Lindsay. I know it’s probably nothing to you, but I think that being a loving step-parent could be one of the most beautiful acts of love in the world. Congrats on finding a beautiful family, not just a husbands :)

      Reply
  9. Ariana on December 6, 2012

    Yup, this is me also. I’ve been married a month so the topic has come up plenty with family and I haven’t hesitated to let everyone know we’re not sure we want kids.

    I’ve ALWAYS wanted kids, but in the last couple of years I’ve come to enjoy my lifestyle (and body) and don’t want a child to change that. I love kids so much but right now I’m content playing with other peoples kids. It will probably change at some point in the future and suddenly we’ll want kids. But if it doesn’t? That’s okay. I don’t want to have kids *just in case* I might regret not having them later. I only want to have them when we’re both 100% sure we want them. And if I’m too old to have them naturally (I hear past 30 it’s all downhill, eggwise) we’re okay adopting.

    For now, when we see kids being annoying, hear our friends bail on movie night because they can’t find a sitter, or listen to yet another mother tell me she pooped during labor, we just say, “This is why we’re not having kids.”

    Reply
  10. Lena on December 6, 2012

    Whoooeeeee, this hits home. John and I generally agree that kids are cute, and adorable, and that we probably don’t want them except that sometimes when we maybe kinda do because they’d look really cute and do adorable things and then one of them screams and we look at each other and say, “NEVER.” Until we see another cute kid.

    Reply
  11. Ashley on December 11, 2012

    I think these are all perfectly rational fears. I never grew up saying “I want to have kids one day!” I knew I wanted to have kids when I met the perfect man and I wanted to have HIS kids. We waited a few months after we got married, but we were successful immediately. I personally believe you have to want it before you start trying. I knew I was ready, and so I was thrilled that we got it right so fast. I wish this post was going to come out a few weeks later, because I am due in 2 weeks. I cannot speak about vagina ripping at this juncture, but I am so excited to see the tiny person that’s been kicking me for almost ten months that I truly believe it will be worth it. I am also nervous about breastfeeding but here again, I’m so excited about nourishing this thing that is mine that I truly believe it will all work out. I think it’s a pros and cons game: do you love to drink that much that you couldn’t imagine not being able to drink for nine months? Are you so terrified of the pain or discomfort that the thought of pregnancy and birth is repulsive or nightmarish to you? If all the scary questions have “YES!!!” as their answer, then no pressure, you’re just not ready. When my answers all ended with “Yeah, but I want a sweet babykin more” I knew I was ready. I have a great core group of friends and family that have all recently had babies, some had miscarriages, some have perfect (like gag me perfect) stories, some have post-baby blues stories, some got right back into perfect shape, some still have some weight to lose. All of them are back to living their lives, working (one of them is in med school!), loving being moms, enjoying sex once again. Life doesn’t stop, and being a mom is just so freaking awesome if that’s what you want, that I truly believe you’ll know it when you want it, and there is absolutely no problem with just not having that mommy chip in your brain.

    Reply
    • Ashley on July 24, 2013

      Because of your most recent post, I remembered this one and how I commented when I was still pregnant, well I was induced a week after this post (just a little elevated blood pressure) and for the past seven months have been the proud mama of a bouncing, healthy little girl. Now being at the back end of all the horrifying labor stuff, and having more than half a year to reflect on my new body, I can safely say… Dude, you can totally do it! I can’t comment on how unsatisfying it’s going to be when the Duchess of Cambridge gives us NO details about her labor and delivery but I can proudly say, yeah, I pooped on the table! I also had a few tears, and I didn’t even feel them. I thought it would be awful, I thought it would hurt and feel like my body was literally splitting in two, but it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or trauma makes you forget about it right after, but really, I was terrified it would hurt so bad and that I wouldn’t be able to do it and they would have to go in there with forceps or a vacuum or, God forbid, a big scary knife… and while those things do happen to some people, and I’m sure it’s not the end of their world, I would do it again in a heartbeat. And sure, of course, a lot of people obviously have more than one kid, they can’t all be crazy right? They’re not! It’s totally doable, your body knows what to do, you can do it!!

      Afterwards, I had hormonal shifts like people talk about, I could cry at the drop of a hat, but I didn’t feel like the world was ending, and after just a few days, or up to a week, my hormones got back to normal, and if they hadn’t gone back to normal, I knew there were friends, family, and professionals standing by to support me.

      This is gross, sorry, but you addressed it in your post today (7/24), I did bleed for a month or something crazy like that, but it was just annoying as all hell, nothing more, my stitches and all that fun stuff healed just fine and I didn’t have anymore bothersome-ness associated with it! This too shall pass!!

      The one thing I will say, it was a little tough with all these little things, which on their own are not so bad, but all happening at once, I was fragile emotionally, I was bleeding, and I had this new thing that was ALWAYS HUNGRY!! But everyone’s on a learning curve, the first few weeks (ok, maybe even months) are tough, and you probably won’t have sex, and you probably won’t be able to drink, because the alternative is sleeping for a few extra minutes, but you WILL be able to watch TV, because all they do in the beginning is eat and sleep, and while struggling with breastfeeding, and being up at 1 AM, 3 AM, 5 AM, I watched all manner of trashy TV, my DVR being my new best friend.

      And yeah, I never made enough milk, it sucked (not literally, unfortunately), and I felt like I couldn’t give her what she needed, and so we had to supplement with a lot of formula, to the point that by about a month old, she was getting more formula than breast milk, PLUS I got thrush which is a nifty yeast infection of the boobies where it really does feel like needles coming out of your nips when your baby is latched. But once we got that taken care of, the bonding was still there, and it was comforting (if not fulfilling) for both of us.

      By six months, she was sleeping through the night and does so on a 99% regular basis, 8:30 PM – 6:00 AM, every night, I even get to watch a movie with my hubby on Friday nights now! And I have 12 pounds that are annoyingly hanging around my belly, but my body worked so hard to make her, there’s no need to feel like you gotta’ work that shit off in a frickin’ month, screw those super models, I don’t have nannies to watch the kid while I do pilates, go on walks, eat healthy, and take your time, if it takes me another year to get rid of that 12 pounds, I’ll still love my body, and what it went through to make my beautiful little reward.

      Why do I tell you all this?!?! Yeah it sounds terrifying, but seeing her little face for the very first time was worth 12 hours in labor, and seeing her smile was worth all the nighttime feedings, and seeing her sit up for the first time and hearing her say “Ma ma ma ma ma” and laugh and crawl for the first time and try to play with the dog and stick her tongue out at bananas, and watch my husband play guitar, enraptured, GAH, it’s soooooo worth it.

      Lastly, I wanted to comment specifically about whether or not your Ryan Gosling look-a-like can still make you crepes while you watch: babies love watching stuff, if it’s new or there’s a lot of movement (like swirling a little crepe spatula across a crepe-making skillet thingy) they’re enthralled.

      Sorry for the novel, but now with seven months under my belt, and continuing to see you struggle with this dilemma, I really wanted to relay my experience. Thanks for being awesome, maybe we should sign a petition titled “Did you poop on the table?!?!” and send it to Kate. Do you think the Royals will approve??

      Reply
  12. Layla Mayville on December 13, 2012

    1st of LMAO – poop the baby out lol! Also who is that crazy scary looking women at the top of the post where it says “got the wine”?!

    But what I really wanted to say is. I have a friend going into labor as I type this and I will go visit tomorrow. I’m totally in awe of women after they have given birth since I have not had kids yet. I too share the fear of pregnancy and birth. I feel like it will be like an alien feeling inside me and the scene in the movie Space Balls when the Alien Dance may happen. Can I just fast forward thru the pregnancy part and just get the 1 yr old?? hmmm probably not naturally. I love kids just not so sure about the vagina ripping, pain, throwing up and crying hysterical baby for a year+ BTW, I’m also obsessed with your french bull dog and he better live forever ;)

    Reply
  13. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on December 13, 2012

    well, you know I have a baby (not really a baby anymore). and I’ve told you a little bit about my story. I had a WAY easier time deciding to have that first baby than I’ve had deciding to have another. And it is because having a baby and being a mom is damn hard. But (all cheesiness aside) it is by far the best, most fun, most fulfilling, most awesome (awesome-est, whatever…) thing I’ve ever done. BY FAR. And you’ve seen my kid. he’s pretty adorbs. yours will be too. they all are to their mamas.

    Everyone’s pregancy/labor/postpartum/motherhood experience is different, but I think they are all hard. My experience gave me:
    1. 26 hours of labor
    2. postpartum depression
    3. a thyroid disorder I will have forever
    4. scar tissue in a place that hurts everytime you want to do something that shouldn’t hurt (in a bad way)
    5. exhaustion
    6. an overall exhausted & aged appearance

    BUT – it gets better. It took me almost 2 years, but I am now almost back to my mostly sane self, my pre-baby weight, 8 hours of sleep (at least) a night, and a more balanced social life. I’ve got the stay-at-home-mom/part-time lawyer/full-time blogger thing under control. And now I’m thinking of doing it again. So it must be worth it, right? TOTALLY.

    Also, your vagina will be fine after the initial trama/horror that will be your post-birth vagina. kegels, baby. do em! really, I swear that is the one body part that does go back to normal. but don’t ask about my boobs. the news isn’t as good there…

    so, in summary: do it when you’re ready. I already know you’ll be a fantastic mom, just look at how good of one you are to Bam already. And you have some family/friends somewhat nearby to help (which is a huge HELP – I don’t really have that which is why I’ve had such a hard adjustment), and you’ll get to still watch plenty of terrible TV, get lots of Bam cuddles, and instagram your face off (though lots will probably be of your baby). In fact, with a new baby that mostly just sleeps all the time, you’ll have plenty of time for that in the beginning. And by the time you have less time for it, your kiddo will be so cool and doing such fun stuff that you won’t care. Every single day Charlie is doing something new, funny, and amazing and I can’t get enough of it.

    I wish motherhood for you, because I think you’ll be great at it and I adore you and want you to experience it. Plus I think we should start a mom blog together and write about our experiences in a funny way, but honestly. Motherhood is NOT a picnic in a field with an adorable child from a Zara catalog making no mess and never watching TV. But it is SO much better than that.

    god, I’ve written a book. maybe I should write a real book. I could go on forever about how hard it is but how you should totally do it. and seriously, your vagina will be fine. I wouldn’t lie about that.
    xx

    Reply
  14. Gina on December 13, 2012

    Great posts ladies! Well, first off I have a 9 month old son who is the best and most wonderful thing in my life. Before I got pregnant with him I couldn’t WAIT to start trying and always assumed we’d have 3 or 4 kids- I’m a kindergarten teacher so naturally I’m used to being around children. After about 6 months of pregnancy I was allllll set with being pregnant. I couldn’t get comfortable, was tired, emotional, and worst of all was freaking out about giving birth. The birthing classes made it worse- as you said “knowing too much” is not a good thing. The last week of my pregnancy I was a nervous wreck and the waiting game was terrible. I finally had to be induced on my due date. I won’t lie it was bad but the epidural was great! When I look back at pregnancy and giving birth I realize it was such a short amount of time in my life and also if I can do it- anybody can!

    The recovery SUCKED. That is one thing I will def not be looking forward to but again, it was only a few weeks out of my life feeling sore and bleeding like I was dying! It was a really hard adjustment emotionally for my husband and I and I cried a lot in the first month. Mainly I was worried all the time that I wasn’t doing things right etc. The way things were going wasn’t anything like how I had pictured myself as a mother. It wasn’t until about 4 or 5 months that I finally felt like a natural as a mother.

    Now my husband and I are doing great and loving every second. 8 and 9 months old has been so much fun and I can’t get enough of my son but…. I always thought my kids would be 2 years apart but honestly I haven’t had any urge to have another baby. I know we will but probably only one more and probably 3 years apart not 2. There are all types of moms- ones who wouldn’t leave their child for an overnight the whole first year of their kids life, ones who will go on a trip with their partner kids free 3 months postpartum, and everything in between. Do what works for you and you’ll be able to enjoy life and be a great mom!

    Reply
  15. From all of the comments that I have read, there is one thing that comes through from everyone. IT IS WORTH IT! Everyone has said it in a different way, but said the same thing.

    One thing that I forgot to say is that I found breast-feeding a wonderful experience (that is after the initial soreness went away). The first time that I gave my son a bottle, my first feeling was that anyone can do this, but what I was doing before, no one else could do that. There is such a feeling of closeness and something I have never experience in any other way.

    My final comment is, “Go ahead Alison!” In spite of all the “shit” we have all talked about, you can do it, and you will love it. Plus, we are all here to experience your journey and lend moral support along the way.

    Love,
    Sharon

    Reply
  16. She-Hulk on December 19, 2012

    Totally understand this. Tooootally understand this. At the same time, pregnancy is slow medical suicide for me, so it’s not really an option. Only way the fiance is getting babies is if he adopts one, or pops the crotch-fruit out himself. Thankfully, he says he has NO interest in kids, but I know he’d be an amazing father, and I live in fear that he’ll change his mind, and I’ll no longer be acceptable to him.

    My fear of pregnancy is downright debilitating. I had kidney infections all through my childhood, was hospitalized many times. I still have them. I didn’t even HAVE my period, when they told me that the repeated infections and probably kidney damage was from a different condition that would ENSURE I could never give birth the “real” way, only with C-Section.

    Then I got my period, and it cemented the feeling that my body was trying to kill me. I’d bleed for a month straight, until I was anemic, and then not get anything for three months. All of that accompanied by the type of cramping that makes it difficult to so much as stand without assistance. The pill helped, but my body seemed to adjust to it, and I’d have to continually change dosages and brands every six months because I’d start bleeding through it, and we weren’t sure if it was still effective. Begged the dr to sterilize me because of the continued pain and irregularity, and the fact that I knew I wasn’t going to have a “real” pregnancy anyways, found adoption morally preferable, and honestly didn’t want kids anyways. They insisted I might change my mind, and multiple dr’s refused. I finally ended up with an IUD, and that quieted most of the pain. Somewhere in that time frame, I was diagnosed with a different genetic disorder that meant that, in addition to the sort of chronic pain that would make childrearing impossible, even a Cesarean wouldn’t let me have a health baby. There’s very few studies on my rare disorder, but the one that’s been done showed that 75% of the women with my condition who ended up pregnant experienced crippling or fatal complications due to it. Without factoring the fetus in. Add the kidney damage from the other thing, and my survival chances are considerably lower than that. Continued begging dr’s to sterilize me, deal with the problem at its source, after receiving that second diagnosis, and they continued insisting that it was too much liability if I changed my mind…

    Idiot, there IS no mind changing! I DON’T WANT TO DIE BY BABY!

    So now the fear is crippling. I think my body has adjusted to the IUD, or the hormones in the IUD are weakening, and I’ve been getting more and more severe symptoms again. Three months back, I had such acute pain I couldn’t stand long enough to microwave food for myself. We worried it was an ectopic pregnancy, since the IUD increases that risk. My fiance spent a whole night trying to convince me that I wasn’t going to die in the next six months.

    Brutal. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I respect the people in my life who are reaching for motherhood, but I’ve gone through such severe depression trying to support friends who are having difficulty conceiving, or watching others get pregnant… It just makes me want to isolate myself from it all. It feels like I’ve never had a choice in the matter. I don’t care about which decision I might have made, but I hate that I don’t have a chance to make it.

    Reply
  17. Hope on May 17, 2013

    Yes, I feel the same way. I am terrified of having kids. My husband wants them . . . eventually. I am scared of everything about being a mother. The birthing, the weight (I am not skinny already), my breast engorging (am a 36 F as it is), being in charge of another human being (it seems I am already in charge of my husband), screwing up said human mentally due to my lack of motherly inclinations, loosing sex appeal . . . my list will go on and on. Sex appeal and personal free time is huge factors. I do not feel very sexy already and you rarely hear of a mother heroin in any story… I read a lot and all sexy, strong characters are single and childless. I don’t mind being married, I love my husband and he lets me be me. A child will take away our free time, our sanity, our privacy . . . I cannot even list all the reasons that my mind screams absolute danger. I get physically ill at the thought.

    Every birthday I have had after 22 I get anxiety because I told my husband that I would give him kids at 30 years old. I will be 27 in four months and the tightness in my chest has already started. We talk about kids names and have picked a few that we like. But still, the thought of actually having a kid . . . terrifying. Society has made parenthood into the ultimate imprisonment. It might just be how I see things though. Young attractive woman are desirable, they plaster these young childless bodies everywhere to get the attention of men everywhere. I have serious self-esteem issues already without the added mother-weight and stretch marks. Will my hubby still want me with a stretched out cooch and sagging tits? Will be notice all the pretty, more fit ladies that are all around?

    I know that my kids would be awesome little dudes and that I would love them. My husband is very, very smart and we both have good genes. They would be cute little pink bundles . . . until about 5. I know that I would have family to help me and I wouldn’t be completely alone. Though, I can hardly get my loving hubby to change the cat litter let alone diapers. I have friends and family grilling me on when I am going to have kids. I have had a friend seriously ask me why I wasn’t having kids. All my friends have kids and I see how they are slaves to their kids. I cannot hang out with them without their kids interfering, we cannot play a board game, watch a movie, paint our nails, shop without stopping early due to the children’s behavior. My question is why do I have to have kids to validate my life?

    Here is one really good reason to have kids.

    Who will take care of you when you are old and nobody remembers your name? Who will be there to wipe your butt and care about it enough to do it right?

    So, this is my little confession since going to a priest is completely out of the question (like HE would understand). So, thanks for listening. :)

    Reply
  18. Shoshana on June 28, 2013

    I have been looking for a good pair of shoes for my little girl that will really go with her clothes, it’d be so handy if children’s clothing shops offered for sale dresses matched with a pair of shoes

    Reply
  19. Felix Nater on July 28, 2013

    What are people’s experiences regarding employment progression within the security industry? I might gradually want to turn out working in the police force and I’m wondering whether I could just proceed directly into that or check the waters with something lower.

    Has anybody started off in basic security and got working with law enforcement?

    Reply
  20. Elizabeth on September 11, 2013

    I can’t even begin to say how much I relate to this. Like one commenter said, it’s like you’re in my brain. My (brand new) husband definitely wants a child one day (our agreed limit is one), but I feel very sure I’d be fine with zero, which makes me worry that I’d just suck at it altogether if we actually did have one… I don’t–uh, what’s the word?–function on fewer than eight hours of sleep, I have adult ADHD and can hardly remember to clean the damn litter box even on a good day, so how in the world would I ever be able to take care of a baby? It’s such a scary prospect. Then there’s all the “what if there were complications” fear. My mind naturally goes to the worst case scenario, which makes me afraid of what could happen, and which I’m sure would also make me a total panicky wreck with a child. My mom was a little like that, and is still very controlling; I don’t want to be like that. There are just so many fears! Ugh!

    Anyway, rant over and thank you thank you thank you for this post.

    Reply
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