KNOTTY BACHELOR RECAPS | When Will It Be Ryan Gosling’s Season. | “So Many Beautiful Women, Who Also Seem to Be Intelligent, Funny, and Witty…”

hey it’s me.

I realize the show’s about to start in about an hour.  But I committed myself to this and DAMNIT, WHAT I PROMISE I DELIVER.

Sometimes I’m like, do I like this.

Or does the pinot like this.  

24/7 thing I think for these women.

When I think back to the moment we finally found out that ABC’s next Bachelor was gonna be Sean Lowe, I have a feeling we all shared the same reaction:

“Wait what”

But then, after the initial shock wore off that they’d indeed chosen Mr. Lowe as our nation’s most eligible bachelor (oh it’s not like that anymore?  what’s that? the standards, you changed them?  oh… ok.  What’s that? “there are none” you say, anymore?  you “lost the standards after Trista?”  I see.  Well that’s a shame.).

Here’s a brief overview of what’s happened so far to catch you up on everything worth telling, previous to Episode 2:

Season: ? // Episode: 1 // Title: Let’s see which of these broads are better than me face-wise.

So I had a viewing party at my place for the premiere, NBD.  Anyway check out my friends’ reactions below, lol they didn’t realize at first that Sean was the new Bachelor haha lmao..

Overall impression from Episode 1 of Sean as The Bachelor:

(sorry guys– Bambino is trying to get my attention, this’ll just be a second.

What is it, Bambenis?  Mommy’s working right n–

Anyway back to my impression of Sean!

If I’m honest with you guys about this, at first I was like mmm… ok yeah momma gonna work with this jusss fine.

So, didn’t have any problems with him yet.  But then he was like:

Which to me I dunno- seemed a bit rude, for him.  I was suddenly unsure of my feelings.

But he quickly was like

and all was forgiven.

But then he talks to Tierra.  And after he talks to Tierra, he tells us his impression of her.  I’m thinking, “either Borderline or Histrionic Personality Disorder, OR a mix of both, severe lack of empathy, but definitely no signs of hair extensions.”  He doesn’t say that.

What he says is:

And I was like Seaaaan, noo

Then around the same time I noticed a tweet from F**kface McBarOwnership which went

ABC how did you find this guy, I’m seriously asking.  This guy was the worst one, imo.  How could you make a dude who needs four guys in his profile pic because he’s THAT LONELY AND INSECURE, the Bachelor?  I mean clearly he was going lie to all the women and eventually make them cry and fight OH I JUST FIGURED IT OUT.

==> A little trivia on this: Brad has since deleted the Tierra tweet from his feed, so good thing I screensaved it on my iphone OMG WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

Also interesting- search results for “Brad Womack,” yielded plethora of tweets written by people who are terrible judges of character:

Random Girl in Her Boyfriends’ Lap was like,

You guys I was like

Because like, r u srs.   It was all getting to be a little too much.

I mean, there’s people that are dying, kim.

So in that moment I told myself: “NO- stop worrying about these girls who have NFI.  This girl wouldn’t recognize a good man if he hit her right in the face.  There’s nothing you can do to help her that wouldn’t require several minutes to hours of your personal time, something with which you’re unbecomingly selfish.  Shhh.  Focus.  Focus on the recap.”

So, I th–oops, sorry forgot to tell you guys, Arie visited Sean and gave him kissing pointers because Arie’s so good at landing women.

Ugh, Arie.

When I first started recapping The Bachelor way back, I was pretty free about it.  I didn’t hesitate to drop bombs on targets because on a scale of 1 to 10 those targets were obliterated off of their asses and as such willingly unready to engage in battle.  I didn’t ask them to get wasted, I didn’t slip a pill in their drinks; they or their woefully unmanaged Borderline Personality Disorders chose that path.  By all means safety first, but what do you do when your friends drink too much?  You mock them without mercy, is what you do.  To teach them never to drink that much again.  And then it happened.

In a weird twist I became somewhat friendly with some previous cast members of the show (who knew about me only because of my recaps. of them.).  Naturally it had the effect of taming me almost into submission.

So, I won’t be letting that happen again.

JK!  CALL ME, TV STARS

Look at this guy, you guys.  Look at him.  Look at that gait he’s walking in with.  Ha! Like he’s Bieber or something NOBODY’S BEIBER BUT BEIBER.  And omg don’t get me started on the tan.  stfu r u srs.  OMG you guys look - look at that face and that hair.  HAHA! oh man, get over yourself buddy.

Ok now that Chris is here we’re just waiting on Sean t-OH OHMIGOD, OMIGOD.  OMG THERE YOU ARE, HI. HI THERE.  HELLO.  Can you ta- HE CAN TALK!  HE CAN TALK TOO, OMG! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL OF US.

Chrisbharrison addresses bevy.

He lets the girls (these are not women) know that he thinks Sean is one of the more sincere bachelors ever to grace the show.  -Implying there were some who were not sincere, I gather from this?  It’s unclear.

The one-on-one date card is announced; it’s Sarah, who has one arm.  Not trying to be a dick, she has no other identifying features that distinguish her from others in the house.  The ladies are currently seated around her and everyone smiles, genuinely.  Then they recall the lecture on “treating Sarah just like someone who has two arms” and quickly the smiles melt into visceral anger over her ever being born.  One lady starts sawing into her left arm at the shoulder, for a leg up in the competition.  Another woman literally eats off her own leg at the hip, having once heard the phrase “a leg up in the competition” and interpreting it literally to mean if you hold up your leg the highest, someone will propose to you.

Some sort of flying apparatus we’ve never seen before on the show lands outside the house.  We’re told it’s a helicopter.  Sitting with my vibrator in a napkin next to me and excitedly clutching my ex-boyfriend’s unwashed sweatpants, I think to myself, “well this is a new approach!”

As they approach the helicopter which we’re so not over yet because HELICOPTERS!!!!!!!!!!111111111 right guys??, Sean decides to grab Sarah in a manner that says *I can’t push this off any longer,* and once his fingers have stopped feeling around for open wounds and settled comfortably into her skin, Sarah finds herself overjoyed and convinced of their love.  Sarah, never having dated a man before in her life, assumes that trembling to the point of visible shaking is just how a man touches a woman when he knows he loves her.  If Sean can maintain this current level of fear for the duration of their courtship, I’d say Sarah’s all set orgasm-wise.

Sean seems genuinely to like Sarah.  And what’s not to like?  She’s a beautiful-faced woman who has expressed her urgent need to get married and start a family.  It’s exactly what Sean is after.  The only thing that troubles me about their budding relationship is the way Sean handles Sarah’s underdeveloped arm.  As in, like a fiery hot glassblowing rod.

Ok so let’s get to the date portion of this date.  Surely they’ll have them doing some sort of bonding activity, so as to force the connection between him and the girl everybody loves who he is not interested in.  But I can’t imagine it’ll be anything to0 physical I mean the girl does have only one ar–

Sarah’s great.  Just- the thing about Sarah is that she is someone who willingly sits down in front of cameras and, with heartfelt emotion, recounts in extreme detail the deep feelings she has for a man she’s literally just meeting right now.  A man who is simultaneously dating several other ladies who live in the same house as she does.  So I guess what I’m saying is this show is a fucking mess and I hate everything it stands for.

SARAH (about the date): “The only thing in the world I thought I’d be scared of-” (which-I mean, I beg to differ) “–jumping off of the side of a building– I *did* today.  And I did it with Sean.”  So we should die together as a couple fifty years from now.  Because super bonding ziplining experience.

Finding myself completely not interested in the show at this point because ugh, The Bachelor, I begin to notice the commercials being aired, and I find these commercials to be maximum adorable.  Better than the show, even.  So I present to you,

It’s a photo shoot.  After Sean literally laughs through telling the girls what they’re doing today, the lady leading the photo shoot warns the girls; “the person that we select is going to appear on three real book covers, that are going to appear across the United States, FOR EVERYONE TO SEE..”

Surprisingly the women become excited, instead of mortified (the normal reaction).  But careful- they shouldn’t get too excited, as Katie may get upset.

ABC decides that the photo shoot is the perfect time to debut the network’s new makeup line, “Actually No- I Wasn’t Just Crying” and they sell out within one second.  (stock acronym is “M T N SIDE” if you’re looking to invest)

Tierra, being the kind of person she is (a bad one), quickly sniffs out Kristy the model’s imperfection, while watching her get ready

Tierra is now seated in the chair next to Robyn. It is my understanding Robyn knows this.  Robyn complains about Tierra to the super profesh makeup artist.

 

WHITTLE BEHBEHKINS and Sean discuss things.  Sean is good with kids so this should be smooth sailing:

BEHBEHKINSIES (this is what I call Kacie B if you’re just starting to read my recaps as of this season) weighs in on why she decided to come on the show this time.  She first explains the attraction to the viewers, and then she speaks with Sean about it, and then afterwards it’s back to the viewers for a recap.  If you missed it, here’s roughly how it went:

Her wrap-up of how it went with Sean:

Here’s Sean’s reactions when she says the beej comment:

Ladies.  Please stop intro’ing with how willing you are to suck it.  Best to let it naturally reveal itself in the relationship.

Meanwhile…

George Washington lets Sean know their journey together is over:

 

Sean tries to convince her to stay..

It isn’t enough.  She leaves.

 

Thanks, ABC.  Loving the pet element to these ad spots.  Now that I’m thinking about it–I honestly don’t even think it’s possible for someone to make a depressing dog commercialOH F—

Editor’s Note: I need to speed it up you guys.  It’s Monday right now and the show premieres on the east coast in 2 hours.

In this scene to this woman, Sean goes: “hey you never know, I might get fat and lose my hair…”  

 

OK I GOTTA STOP THIS.  THE SHOW IS COMING ON SOON.  

 

 

~ QUICK GAME ~

Here’s the part where I answer #Bachelor tweets, holding them to a standard high above the one I’ve set for myself (or, “Unsolicited Advice”):

Hahaha, six-times orphaned.  This girl you’re mocking.  Not 5.  6.  6 times.

wait what

Ok SHE’S TOO CUTE FOR HIM Katie, she’s too cute.  She deserves someone who reads the f**king morning paper, for chrissakes.

See here’s the thing about this show, I hate it.

Ok on to the next tweet.

WOW.  just WOW.  Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Listen here, and listen good.  WHITTLE. BEHBEHKINS. is my whittle. babykins.  And my whitta babies are not to be touched, you hear me random woman who is just expressing her opinion as is her right?  You think just because you’ve had a sexual experience you’re better than her? than my BEH-BEH?? ?  WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YA LADY, Kacie B is an adorable 4 year old child ANY MAN would be lucky to take home.   Now kindly stfu and compete for a man dating 25 other women like someone who actually *deserves* my respect.

 

Another episode down, and I am absolutely riveted.  The show truly is so great, it raises so many questions.

Like:

Will I ever get sick of seeing dates on helicopters? (answer: HELI NO)

Will I ever tire of absolute decrepit bullshit on television? (answer: unlikely)

What will the show’s producers do if Sean chooses Sarah among his final two?  Sarah has one arm, and unfortunately it isn’t her left; we’re so used to watching the product placement ring search.  Seeing as this girl doesn’t have a left hand – what happens there?

What are your thoughts?  Would love to hear your feedback/reactions… I really, really would.  

See you in a bit ya filthy animals.

xx, Alison

To everybody I talked about in this post – I was just kidding.

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps

Love all of this...

19 comments

  1. Allison on January 21, 2013

    :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

    Reply
  2. julia on January 21, 2013

    this is hysterics. i can’t. i just can’t

    Reply
  3. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on January 21, 2013

    oh, how I missed these. it makes watching the show so.much.better. but if I’m being honest, you know you got me with gosling.

    xx

    Reply
  4. Leslie on January 22, 2013

    Okay so I watched the Bachelor Ep. 3 tonight and immediately took to Twitter to read your comments and recap…hilarious! Never fails to disappoint–basically the only reason I watch the #Bachelor

    Reply
  5. Anna Sass on January 22, 2013

    BINGO. #bobbingforknobs

    ps. no left hand. my number one concern THEIR ENTIRE ONE ON ONE.

    Reply
  6. Lena on January 22, 2013

    Homigod I read this twice and I feel so happy and uncomfortable and happy and I want to lick your face. I imagine Bambs feels this way a lot.

    I think I love the Bachelor because you can’t hate something or someone if they already hate themselves because WHYYYYY would you put yourself through not only the emotional torture of meeting a perfectly average man covered in makeup and riding helicopters who will ultimately disappoint you because he drives an old pickup BUT ALSO opening yourself to be made fun of by women like us?! Because ya’ll are some crazy crazies (not unlike anyone else except that you’re crazy enough to put your ass on TV), and hating on you keeps my natural level of woman hating low for real people and HIGH for ya’ll.

    Reply
  7. taylor on January 23, 2013

    Hey so omg so sorry I never commented. I got busy with you know, life and stuff, but I loved it! So glad these are back. The whole thing is hilarious, really, but this post got 5 literal LOLs… Each of which caused me to scan the room to make sure no one saw me LOLing to my computer screen alone, without any actual human interaction (maybe I should go on The Bachelor… jkjk… .. .really, I kid.. .)

    Anywho- Final LOL count: 5 — the Obama “not bad,” Ben on the balcony, the BEHBEH and Sean conversation real, Tierra’s hair-flip, and your Twitter rant defending Kacie B. (Last initial totally still needed- bc otherwise, how would we know who she is, ya know?)

    On a scale of 1 to post-volleyball Kristy, I was a little bitter that you never included the 1-10′s in the recap… like. you. promised. but it’s fine, really. It’s whatevs. I’m chill.

    See you next week :)

    Reply
  8. Tierney @ The Preppy Leopard on January 23, 2013

    I’ve shared this recap with every Bachelor fan I know. You are legit, yo.

    Reply
    • Alison on February 8, 2013

      Thank you, that’s awesome! xx

      Reply
  9. Casey on January 23, 2013

    I feel like I’m late to the party! As usual, so so good. The screenshots/captions are dead on!

    Reply
  10. Wedding Wardrobe on January 24, 2013

    Cute dog, with glasses and everything:))))

    Reply
  11. Leah Haydock on February 6, 2013

    Your recaps make my enjoyment of the show increase by 287% – please keep them coming :)

    Reply
  12. Angie Wagner on February 8, 2013

    I love Ryan! He is so gorgeous!

    Reply
  13. Angie Wagner on February 8, 2013

    oh my gosh! I just went back and read the whole thing! I got stuck on Ryan last time! This is hilarious!

    Reply
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