GIRL TALK | The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Ok. If you’ve ever wondered about how marriage and the having of children impact a couple’s sex life — or if you’re there right now and you’re feeling desperate for some real world advice — consider today’s post required reading.

I am not kidding around. If you read only five posts on this blog, let this be one of them. Here’s another. There are more but let’s try to focus.

Dear TKB:

A married friend of mine recently told me that she and her husband aren’t having as much sex as they used to, and that she’s at a loss for what to do. She said he gets defensive when she brings it up and shuts down the conversation. So at this point they’re not really talking about it, which definitely doesn’t seem like a good road to go down.

I feel really bad for her and want to help but all I could think to do was reassure her that everything will be ok, which I don’t even know if that’s case. I mean what do you do when a friend tells you this?

I’ve always assumed that if you love each other, and have a good connection, then everything will be fine. But I’m starting to feel like I’m just being naive?

One more thing… please tell me it’s possible to still have a great sex life while there’s a dependent zero year old around 24/7. Please.

Thank you in advance for any help you can provide, I truly appreciate it.


Dear C,

I really love TED Talks. Have you heard of them? I find I learn so much from them, above any other source. They have talks from knowledgeable people on topics like humanity, technology, business, sex, relationships-you name it, they talk about it. And in incredibly clear detail. I highly recommend them.

The talk delivered by Esther Perel in the video below is probably my favorite. It speaks to everything I’ve personally ever wondered about the impact that marriage and new parenthood have on our existing sex lives. The best thing you can say to your friend is that she’s not alone. This is normal stuff. It’s about how you deal with it as a couple that makes all the difference.

Now sit back and watch an audience uncomfortable-laugh their way through a sex talk that finally resonates with their real life experiences.

It’s about 20 minutes long and it will explain EVERYTHING.

Do you guys have insight, or advice, for Miss C and her friend?

As always, no information is too much information for this blog, even when it comes to sex. Especially then. So feel free to keep it real ladies and gents.

xx, Alison

P.S. – Do you have any questions you’d like to submit to the Dear TKB advice column? Send a question to alison(@) and I might answer it on the blog! Of course, your privacy is my priority. Names are never revealed.

Label(s): Girl Talk

Love all of this...


  1. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on April 5, 2013

    every couple is different, but for me (I’ve been in a loooong term relationship before marriage & now married for almost 4 years and we have a toddler) I know that those things come and go. Definitely there is a dry period after kids, but it comes back. Sometimes one of the parties (me in our case) needs to get their groove back a bit. And it can get boring after a while, so you’ve got to keep it interesting…Also, Ryan Gosling movies help :)

  2. Brittany on April 6, 2013

    I’m really glad you decided to answer this one. I checked the blog today just to see what was around and I definitely needed this! I’m in a 5+ year relationship, we’re both students who spend every single day together, and sex gets boring. We’re busy, exhausted, and stressed. We were literally just having a conversation about it. I was getting a little anxious/worried about it, and I actually said something along the lines of, “It’s frustrating because I’m not feeling insecure or anxious about our relationship at all, just about sex.”

    I don’t know if anyone else thought of this while listening to that TED talk, but how awesome would it be to have a “date night” where you actually spent the night apart, doing your own things, and then reuniting at home or at a bar later in the evening. A little mystery?

    Thanks again for posting this!

    • Alison on April 9, 2013

      Brittany – that’s kind of an amazing idea. I love it. :)

  3. Mischa on April 7, 2013

    Basically things are user defined! Means, may vary person to person. Everyone have their own thinking’s, so I never suggest anyone anything about relationship……………

  4. bhavya @ flower aura on April 9, 2013

    The worst part is that everyone feels that this is a unique problem and is happening only to them while I can vouch at everyone has gone through the no-sex phase atleast once in their lives.

    And seriously, anything and everything that can be done about it is to talk. Their is an initial apprehension to start the discussion but once it rolls off, both the sides start coming out with their perspective and that helps. Covering it under the carpet only makes it worse!

    • Alison on April 9, 2013

      bhavya – I couldn’t have said it better :)

  5. neo on April 11, 2013

    thanks for ideas

  6. Stephita Wedding Invitations on April 12, 2013

    Thanks for sharing all the ideas! When we make custom wedding invitations for brides & grooms, people get very caught up with the wedding but they forget that it is the journey that will be the hard part! Planning the picture perfect wedding, sending out pocketfold wedding invitations or wedding invitations with brooches and flowers is great, but the most important thing is to have continued communication with each other about all your needs!

  7. Jon on April 13, 2013

    Well ladies, my wife and I have been married for 4 years and together for 7.

    We are still head over heals in love and I hope that we always will be.

    As a red blooded bloke, you guessed it….. I am happy to oblige any time day or night: ) However, we both work extremely hard with our businesses in an industry where we like to really look after our lovely clients and between building relationships with our brides (which is very important), wedding shoots, editing and album building, one can get rather worn out.

    Just because there may be a drought in the bedroom does not mean that you live in a desert (unless you really live in the Sahara) lol.

    To us we would rather have quality than quantity and enjoy the build-up to the main event, but its always a bonus when we are on holiday and can unwind and then its a great deal of “quantity” with “quality”.


  8. Lexi on April 16, 2013

    Compromise comes to my mind on the secret of a long-term relationship. Your partner won’t be perfect and you certainly aren’t so it’s all about forgiving easily, laugh out loud and pretty much loving the person even at his most unlovable :)

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  11. Vini @ MayaFlowers on June 13, 2016

    It’s true that love is often blind, and it can make us ignore obvious faults in potential long-term partners, things that your friends and family might be able to pick up on more easily. It can be helpful to get a second opinion from trusted friends and loved ones whom you trust.


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