GIVEAWAY + BACHELORETTE RECAP | Enter To Win Gold Foil Notecards + Desiree & Her Bachelors [NSFW-ish]

Here we go. 

  1. Bodycon dresses… check.
  2. A&F perfume… check.
  3. The Joshua Radin/P!nk/90′s Jewel serenity mix my awesome brother made me (luv him!!) for when the Lithium runs out… check.
  4. The Lithium… check.
  5. My inescapable fear of dying alone…  :( check :(
  6. My not bangs having version of my face… check!  

Alison here.  So listen I don’t know much about life you guys, honestly.  But I do know this; when a girl goes on a tv show to find someone to love, and that girl tells the show’s viewers:

“I know it’s going to be emotionally draining, but I’m ready for that, because I know I need to go through all that to find the happy ending that I want.”

…that girl is ready for love.

Before we get into the (short) recap, here is what the giveaway is today!

One package of those killer cards from Rifle Paper Co.  One of my favorite stationers ever.  Ok back to the recap!  For those who want to enter this giveaway, scroll down to bottom for the simple way to win!

THE BACHELORETTE: DESIREE’S SEASON: IN THE BEGINNING.

Desiree rolls up to her new Malibu home in what appears to be a humbling childhood metaphor (we’re going to change that out right guys, this is Malibu just saying..) and DAMN does she looks grea-different, she looks different.

Actually forget the bag, because it looks like they’ve replaced her used poverty vehicle with one that looks like something only fucking idiots would drive!  We’re in Malibu so it’s perfect.

Desiree’s reaction to the car is “OOOoooooOooOOOOooooo, FEE-YUNCEE,” – she took the words out of my mouth.

Chris Harrison starts in with the questions and it’s like I’m watching the Couric-Palin interview.  It’s riveting stuff; apparently her parents have a happy relationship, and she hopes to find the same.  She’s also excited, and feels blessed to start this journey.  People- these were all things that just minutes ago I hadn’t even cared to know about or have as memories in my brain, and now they’re taking up valuable memory space.  Think about that.  So awesome.

I’m definitely going to need the crying to stop, though.  What can we do about that, ABC.  I mean Chris, it seems, cannot ask this girl a question about her day without it bringing her to the brink of desperation both physically and emotionally.  And these are lobs!  This is Chris ”Softballs” fucking Harrison for chrissakes, the terrible interviewing skills reason being the strongest of the two reasons he has that nickname.  Whatever.  I’m just really banking on at least one of these two people growing a pair of firm, functioning balls before this season is thru.  Crossing my fingers for a miracle.  But actually forget everything I’ve ever said ever because WTF, did you see that Ben promo?  Ben either did something or didn’t do something, depending on the editing, and I’m intrigued.  This show is so great!

Let’s check in on Desiree:

I’m definitely sad to see the forehead swoop go, as it seems to have been an essential part of her look, and I’m not that interested in watching a seven cry for two hours every week.  But I‘ve been waiting for this season forever promised I’d recap, so I can’t look back now.

I just have to say… that was a lot of crying, right?  In the first show of the season?  I’m compelled to remind Chris Harrison here that this isn’t the actual Couric-Palin interview, and that maybe he should lay off.  Less penetrating questions are in order here.  She’s clearly a girl on the edge and it’s a little disconcerting.  Thank goodness my total lack of any real concern for her personally allows me to move on from these difficult feelings — and good thing too — because our friend Chris Harrison is back with something to say before these guys get here, and when Chris Harrison talks, the world listens.

*Useless space filling commentary* – Chris B Harrison

LET’S MEET THE GUYS

We meet Bryden first, and are struck by his haircut and dutiful service to our country.  He is an untouchable in the first episode but, fortunately for us, respect for men in uniform is something reserved for only a couple days of the year.  We will have to wait until tonight to dissect that name.

Next is Will, and between the free high fives and his involvement in Bikram Yoga, I start getting this feeling that he may not be your everyday run of the mill child of an interracial union.  He confirms this, stating it outright.

Drew is a child of divorce and the son of an alcoholic, but it’s not all fun and games for this Arizonian single — his sister is severely mentally handicapped.  Dude I’m sorry that sucks.  Good luck with everything?

Next up is Nick R., a magician who is also a tailor.  So, a tailor.  Nick is nice enough I guess, but lol Desiree isn’t THAT desperate.  Actually she’s pretty desperate, so this quite possibly could work.

Zak is attracted to people with a certain spirit that enjoy life as much as he does, which I understand to mean he needs pussy, and fast.

Robert‘s company invented sign-spinning, I’m not familiar.  Is this a lucrative business Robert?  I’m impressed by the clutch *single eye socket having* dog though, and am quickly won over.

Mike here is a non-accented London-born dental student, and I’m a non-interested American-born fast-forwarder.

Next is Brandon; he’s an adrenaline junky who likes being outside and wakeboarding but….well let’s just say that growing up? the water’s been a little choppy.  Insofar as his father left the family early on sending his mother into a crippling tailspin of addiction, the emotional burden of which Brandon’s been carrying around until this very moment, when he can finally use the heart-wrenching tale to win favor amongst heart-on-their-sleeves Bachelorette viewers; a demographic known as much for their mothering in committed relationships as for their lack of having a committed relationship in the first place.

It doesn’t work.

END OF MEETING GUYS FOR THE FIRST TIME; TRANSITION INTO MEETING ALL OF THE GUYS THIS TIME, VIA LIMO ARRIVALS;

It’s limo time!  We know this because Harrison, thank God, is still an integral part of this show.  While waiting for the men to pull up I ask Honey (my partner if you’re new here) to weigh in on Des.. I say “Honey, so far what are you thinking of Des?”  He thinks.  ”She has a good bikini body.”

I agree.

MOST TESTY MOMENT FROM THE SHOW:

Zak:  ”I HAVE ABS”

Everyone: “NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT”

So yeah, welcome to a new season!  Desiree’s less pretty and really emotional to the point that it’s sickening BUT WAIT! *jingles keys* there’s someone with a secret girlfriend, a dude punches a dude at some point, this guy’s going to the hospital, and some fucking chick just waltzed in with a pretty serious look on her face that could mean literally anything?  I’m listening. 

 

FINAL THOUGHTS AFTER ROSE CEREMONY BECAUSE YOU’RE PROBABLY SICK OF READING THIS ALREADY AND WANT ME TO GET TO THE GIVEAWAY:

I am surprised to see that Desiree does not keep the armored knight (Digio?) around, as his literal interpretation of Desiree’s infantile desire to be swept off her feet by a fairytale white knight makes him if not the perfect match for her romantically, certainly a developmental equal.

I find Creepy Jonathan to be an absolute catastrophe, but my desire to rip him to shreds (or diagnose where he falls on The Spectrum in the new DSM-V) is sidelined by a glass of maple-flavored Crown Royal, a bottle of which Honey brought home for this exact occasion.  (I’m never letting this guy go.)

+++++

Number 1 – people here for the Bach recap: I have a couple questions (though feel free to weigh in on any little thing that comes to mind, like what a crackpot you think I am for watching and recapping this ricockulous show):

  1. Do you think Desiree is ready for love?  
  2. Any thoughts on the men?  

Number 2 – people here for the giveaway:  Hey there!  Sorry about all the Bachelorette stuff, hehe, yeah.  So to enter the giveaway aspect of this post it’s pretty simple… just leave a comment saying you’d like to win the giveaway!  Individuals may leave up to 5 separate comments, for up to 5 separate shots at the prize.  And yes, ANYONE CAN ENTER!

Oke the doke; can’t wait to chat about whatevs!

Alison

p.s. heads up on tonight!

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps, Contests + Giveaways, Mr. McPuppyPants

Love all of this...

98 comments

  1. Jessica on June 3, 2013

    I would like to win the giveaway of awesome stationary :)

    Reply
  2. Calista on June 3, 2013

    I would like to enter for the giveaway – looks lovely!

    Reply
  3. The Perfect Palette on June 3, 2013

    I always enjoy your bachelorette recaps – and I’m excited to see what you have to say after tonight’s show :)

    Oh, and I too miss the bang swoop.

    Reply
  4. Marie on June 3, 2013

    Home sick today and Alison, you are the best. My personal favorite part of this post:  ”People- these were all things that just minutes ago I hadn’t even cared to know about or have as memories in my brain, and now they’re taking up valuable memory space.  Think about that.  So awesome.”

    Thanks for your contribution of humor that is going toward making me feel better today. Always the entertainer with a side helping of reality that is actually based in reality. Cheers!

    Reply
    • Alison on June 3, 2013

      That means a lot, thanks for saying Marie :):)

      Reply
  5. Mireille on June 3, 2013

    I’d love to have this gorgeous stationary set!

    Reply
  6. Krista W. on June 3, 2013

    The stationary looks stunning and I’d love to be entered to win!

    Reply
  7. Samantha on June 3, 2013

    I would really like to win the giveaway! Fingers crossed! Thank you for doing it!

    Reply
  8. Alix on June 3, 2013

    I’d love to win the giveaway!

    Reply
  9. Jeanette Howes on June 3, 2013

    I’d love to win the giveaway!

    Reply
  10. Ashley on June 3, 2013

    I would like to win the giveaway! And you are hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh!

    Reply
    • Alison on June 3, 2013

      Thank you Ashley! Rules hearing super nice feedback like that, I srsly appreciate it :)

      Reply
  11. negev79 on June 4, 2013

    I’d like to win the giveaway, thanks for allowing us the opportunity to enter. You have a great blog, one of my favorites!

    Reply
  12. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on June 4, 2013

    yay! you totally did this just for me, right? so what about Ben, the d-bag who totally used his kid to get in the door and then brings him up every chance he gets in a super slimey way. oh, and the dude with the glasses that got kicked off – I thought he was actually kind of hilarious. until he got a little creepy. but still hilarious.

    I also miss the bang swoop.

    I’d also love the stationery.

    props to honey for getting you some booze to get you through this season. I bet Kar has something for you too :)

    Reply
  13. Marnay on June 4, 2013

    I would love to win the giveaway! Rifle Paper Co. has amazing designs, and their cards are stunning!

    Reply
  14. Shulie on June 4, 2013

    WHAT DID I JUST WATCH LAST NIGHT? D: That rap video.. oh lawd.

    I also miss the bang swoop. I think she looks better with it.

    Why is Ben always swooping in and stealing Desiree from someone’s one-on-one time? He did it three or four different times already and there’s only been two episodes!

    Reply
  15. Laura Brooks on June 4, 2013

    Hey gurl! Would love to win the stationary. Love that you’ve stayed devoted to the train wreck that is the batcholor after all these years. I swear my only interest in the show is because of your recaps, producers should be sending you roses! ;)

    Reply
  16. Laura Brooks on June 4, 2013

    I really want the paper, so I just chit chat for 5 of these babies? Little B. makes my wallet hurt I want a frenchie so badly. Well at least I can coo over the pics you post of him.

    Reply
  17. Laura Brooks on June 4, 2013

    #3 I feel like this is a count down. I don’t often win giveaways. Have you seen the rifle paper co. Paris iPhone case that they sell at anthro?! Swoon! I feel like I’m the only one doing the 5 comment thing. Does that just mean I’m more determined?

    Reply
  18. Laura Brooks on June 4, 2013

    #4 yeah, I really want to win the paper.

    Reply
  19. Laura Brooks on June 4, 2013

    #5 keep being awesome! ;)

    Reply
  20. Shawna on June 4, 2013

    Would love to win!

    Reply
  21. Edwina on June 4, 2013

    Giveaway!! Let’s do this!! :)

    Reply
  22. Anna Sass on June 4, 2013

    Woah, woah woah. Double Whammy!

    - BACHELORETTE -

    1. I meannnnn…
    2. WOOF. (Except Brooks, Hey Brooks)

    Hey, also.. I am totally in to winning things!

    Reply
  23. Lena on June 4, 2013

    That over the shoulder camera shot had me laughing hysterically and thinking of you. John’s response to the episode was “#ihopeyougetbitbyasnake”.

    Reply
  24. Rhian on June 4, 2013

    I would LOVE to win!

    Reply
  25. Emilie on June 4, 2013

    I want in on that fab giveaway :) (sooo… if I understand properly, I can leave 4 other messages saying something similar and get 4 additional entries, am I right?)

    Reply
    • Alison on June 4, 2013

      Yup, that’s right Emilie!

      Reply
  26. Emilie on June 4, 2013

    Entering the giveaway again…

    Reply
  27. Emilie on June 4, 2013

    …and again…

    Reply
  28. Emilie on June 4, 2013

    …and again aaaand…

    Reply
  29. Emilie on June 4, 2013

    one last time! :)

    Reply
  30. Tatiana D. on June 4, 2013

    I’d like to win the giveaway because I hoard cute stationary crap!

    Reply
  31. Kenzie on June 4, 2013

    I’d love to enter the giveaway :) I am currently studying abroad and won’t be home till Christmas, long time to be away for me! Love to use this stationary to send to people back in the states!

    Reply
  32. Avi on June 4, 2013

    me me me!

    Reply
  33. Krista W. on June 4, 2013

    I’m pretty sure you said we could leave five comments, so here is my second one!!! :)

    Reply
  34. Krista W. on June 4, 2013

    Andddd the Bachelorette last night was intense. I’m part of a competition through some work friends and hope that I picked the best team. :)

    Reply
  35. Krista W. on June 4, 2013

    For my fourth comment… who do you think will be the guy thats girlfriend shows up later on in the season!?

    Reply
    • Alison on June 5, 2013

      I’m hoping it’s Desiree’s girlfriend, and that the show spontaneously combusts when this is revealed.

      Reply
  36. Krista W. on June 4, 2013

    And lastly… why is stationary so fun and addicting? :)

    Reply
  37. Jenny on June 4, 2013

    I want to win!

    Reply
  38. Jenny on June 4, 2013

    I really want to win!

    Reply
  39. Jenny on June 4, 2013

    I really truly want to win!

    Reply
  40. Jenny on June 4, 2013

    really really really!

    Reply
  41. Jenny on June 4, 2013

    really really really really!

    Reply
  42. Lindsay on June 5, 2013

    I’d love to win the giveaway!

    Reply
  43. Lindsay on June 5, 2013

    This stationary is adorable!

    Reply
  44. Lindsay on June 5, 2013

    I love pretty stationary, especially to send to my far-away friends!

    Reply
  45. Lindsay on June 5, 2013

    Thanks so much for the opportunity to enter this contest…

    Reply
  46. Lindsay on June 5, 2013

    …it’s super awesome!

    Reply
  47. Marnay on June 5, 2013

    I would love to win the giveaway! Rifle Paper Co. has amazing designs, and their cards are stunning!

    Reply
  48. Alyssa on June 5, 2013

    I’d like you to take over for Chris, I think that’d be a better Bachelorette show.

    Also, I’d like to win the giveaway! :D

    Reply
  49. Alyssa on June 5, 2013

    I mean, it’d be pretty cool if I won the giveaway.

    Reply
  50. Alyssa on June 5, 2013

    Because that giveaway is CUTE. And winning would be super.

    Reply
  51. Alyssa on June 5, 2013

    This is numero cuatro. Lucky numbah four. FOR THE GIVEAWAY.

    Reply
  52. Alyssa on June 5, 2013

    Number five entry.
    For the giveaway.
    You still didn’t answer my Voldermort question.

    Reply
  53. rachel on June 5, 2013

    Funny recap!! :) Sign me up for the giveaway, too

    Reply
  54. Jeanette on June 5, 2013

    This is my second entry… I’m so glad you’re recapping the bachelor again, and I’d love to win the giveaway :)

    Reply
  55. Jeanette on June 5, 2013

    Third entry… back to the bachelor recaps. I don’t watch the show, except when your recap is so hilarious that I need to watch it so that I can fully appreciate them! And I’d love to win the giveaway :)

    Reply
  56. Jeanette on June 5, 2013

    Fourth entry… and AGAIN with the Bachelorette recap, My favorite part of them is when I read something in the recap that cracks me up, go and watch the actual show, and am SHOCKED to discover that what I thought was a clever TKB joke was something legitimately said. And I’d love to win the giveaway :)

    Reply
  57. Jeanette on June 5, 2013

    Okay, last comment. Thanks for being so entertaining and providing exciting giveaways! (that I would love to win) :)

    Reply
  58. Marnay on June 6, 2013

    I would love to win the giveaway! It would be a dream come true. Rifle Paper Co. has amazing designs, and their cards are stunning!

    Reply
  59. Danielle on June 6, 2013

    I really want to win this giveaway!

    Reply
  60. Danielle on June 6, 2013

    I love watching the Bachlorette. Des was my favorite from last season.

    Reply
  61. Danielle on June 6, 2013

    I really want to win and use the stationery for my wedding!

    Reply
  62. Danielle on June 6, 2013

    I really loved Brooks. He seems so sweet.

    Reply
  63. Danielle on June 6, 2013

    Ok last comment…I loved the wedding dress Des wore. So beautiful and as a bride this year, I wish I would have tried something similar on.

    Reply
  64. Marnay on June 6, 2013

    I would love to win this giveaway! Rifle Paper Co. has amazing designs, and their cards are stunning!

    Reply
  65. Kira on June 6, 2013

    I would looove to win the giveaway!!

    Reply
  66. Kira on June 6, 2013

    I’m sorry, I don’t like the Bachelorette by I do like that bag.

    Reply
  67. Kira on June 6, 2013

    And I really like giveaways!!

    Reply
  68. Kira on June 6, 2013

    Especially giveaways with super awesome stationery.

    Reply
  69. Kira on June 6, 2013

    My cat loves giveaways too! Pick me! Do it for the cat!

    Reply
  70. Marnay on June 7, 2013

    I would love to win the giveaway! Rifle Paper Co. has amazing designs, and their cards are perfect!

    Reply
  71. Sean Williams on June 7, 2013

    Lovely stationary

    Reply
  72. Justyne M on June 7, 2013

    I would love to win this stationery giveaway!

    Reply
  73. Sharon S. on June 8, 2013

    Those cards are so cute! I would love to win them!

    Reply
  74. Sharon S. on June 8, 2013

    Thank you so much for the opportunity to win!

    Reply
  75. Amanda B on June 8, 2013

    I would love to win some stationary!!

    Reply
  76. Gem Jackson on June 9, 2013

    Oooh can I pretty please enter to win the awesome Rifle Paper Co stationery? Thanks Alison!

    Reply
  77. wedding songs on June 9, 2013

    i really desire the stationary soooo much!

    Reply
  78. Daniel on June 10, 2013

    Hahaha, so sweet!

    Reply
  79. Prue on June 15, 2013

    Hey there! I’d love to win, thanks!

    Reply
  80. Ruthann Rhodes on June 16, 2013

    planning my wedding and just wrapping up my twins graduation I could use some free stationary lol

    Reply
  81. MarylrubyUK on June 21, 2013

    Lovely dogy ………. :)

    Reply
  82. Hilary F on June 23, 2013

    I would love to win that beautiful little stationary set!

    Reply
  83. Hilary F on June 23, 2013

    I’ll say it a second time, pretty please pick me to win the stationary set! :)

    Reply
  84. Hilary F on June 23, 2013

    Third time’s the charm? Pick me! Pick me! I want to winnnn

    Reply
  85. Hilary F on June 23, 2013

    A fourth comment coming your way!

    Reply
  86. Hilary F on June 23, 2013

    And just for good measure, here’s a 5th comment just so you know that I am coveting that stationary set!

    Reply
  87. Jessica maier on June 24, 2013

    “We are in Malibu so it’s fucking perfect.” That was my favorite piece of commentary I’ve read in a long while! Thanks for making me laugh :) You are talented.

    As for your awesome giveaway, I am recently engaged so I would love your gorgeous stationary set – I would make sure to put it to good use! xoxo

    Reply
  88. Anna on June 27, 2013

    I would love to win!

    Reply
  89. Katie on June 29, 2013

    I would love to win their stuff looks beautiful!

    Reply
  90. Kelly on July 6, 2013

    I’d like to win the give away!

    Reply
  91. Kelly on July 6, 2013

    These are beautiful! I’d like to win the giveaway!

    Reply
  92. Kelly on July 6, 2013

    I can’t wait to see who won the giveaway!

    Reply
  93. Melissa L on July 15, 2013

    Love the stationary. Thanks for the giveaway!

    Reply

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  1. [...] GIVEAWAY + BACHELORETTE RECAP … Here we go.  Bodycon dresses… check…. [...]

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  2. [...] Desiree rolls up to her new Malibu home in what appears to be a humbling childhood metaphor (we’re going to change that out right guys, this is Malibu just saying..) and DAMN does she looks grea-different, she looks different. Read more… [...]

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