Here we go.
- Bodycon dresses… check.
- A&F perfume… check.
- The Joshua Radin/P!nk/90′s Jewel serenity mix my awesome brother made me (luv him!!) for when the Lithium runs out… check.
- The Lithium… check.
- My inescapable fear of dying alone… :( check :(
- My not bangs having version of my face… check!
Alison here. So listen I don’t know much about life you guys, honestly. But I do know this; when a girl goes on a tv show to find someone to love, and that girl tells the show’s viewers:
“I know it’s going to be emotionally draining, but I’m ready for that, because I know I need to go through all that to find the happy ending that I want.”
…that girl is ready for love.
Before we get into the (short) recap, here is what the giveaway is today!
One package of those killer cards from Rifle Paper Co. One of my favorite stationers ever. Ok back to the recap! For those who want to enter this giveaway, scroll down to bottom for the simple way to win!
THE BACHELORETTE: DESIREE’S SEASON: IN THE BEGINNING.
Desiree rolls up to her new Malibu home in what appears to be a humbling childhood metaphor (we’re going to change that out right guys, this is Malibu just saying..) and DAMN does she looks grea-different, she looks different.
Actually forget the bag, because it looks like they’ve replaced her used poverty vehicle with one that looks like something only fucking idiots would drive! We’re in Malibu so it’s perfect.
Desiree’s reaction to the car is “OOOoooooOooOOOOooooo, FEE-YUNCEE,” – she took the words out of my mouth.
Chris Harrison starts in with the questions and it’s like I’m watching the Couric-Palin interview. It’s riveting stuff; apparently her parents have a happy relationship, and she hopes to find the same. She’s also excited, and feels blessed to start this journey. People- these were all things that just minutes ago I hadn’t even cared to know about or have as memories in my brain, and now they’re taking up valuable memory space. Think about that. So awesome.
I’m definitely going to need the crying to stop, though. What can we do about that, ABC. I mean Chris, it seems, cannot ask this girl a question about her day without it bringing her to the brink of desperation both physically and emotionally. And these are lobs! This is Chris ”Softballs” fucking Harrison for chrissakes, the terrible interviewing skills reason being the strongest of the two reasons he has that nickname. Whatever. I’m just really banking on at least one of these two people growing a pair of firm, functioning balls before this season is thru. Crossing my fingers for a miracle. But actually forget everything I’ve ever said ever because WTF, did you see that Ben promo? Ben either did something or didn’t do something, depending on the editing, and I’m intrigued. This show is so great!
Let’s check in on Desiree:
I’m definitely sad to see the forehead swoop go, as it seems to have been an essential part of her look, and I’m not that interested in watching a seven cry for two hours every week. But I
‘ve been waiting for this season forever promised I’d recap, so I can’t look back now.
I just have to say… that was a lot of crying, right? In the first show of the season? I’m compelled to remind Chris Harrison here that this isn’t the actual Couric-Palin interview, and that maybe he should lay off. Less penetrating questions are in order here. She’s clearly a girl on the edge and it’s a little disconcerting. Thank goodness my total lack of any real concern for her personally allows me to move on from these difficult feelings — and good thing too — because our friend Chris Harrison is back with something to say before these guys get here, and when Chris Harrison talks, the world listens.
*Useless space filling commentary* – Chris B Harrison
LET’S MEET THE GUYS
We meet Bryden first, and are struck by his haircut and dutiful service to our country. He is an untouchable in the first episode but, fortunately for us, respect for men in uniform is something reserved for only a couple days of the year. We will have to wait until tonight to dissect that name.
Next is Will, and between the free high fives and his involvement in Bikram Yoga, I start getting this feeling that he may not be your everyday run of the mill child of an interracial union. He confirms this, stating it outright.
Drew is a child of divorce and the son of an alcoholic, but it’s not all fun and games for this Arizonian single — his sister is severely mentally handicapped. Dude I’m sorry that sucks. Good luck with everything?
Next up is Nick R., a magician who is also a tailor. So, a tailor. Nick is nice enough I guess, but lol Desiree isn’t THAT desperate. Actually she’s pretty desperate, so this quite possibly could work.
Zak is attracted to people with a certain spirit that enjoy life as much as he does, which I understand to mean he needs pussy, and fast.
Robert‘s company invented sign-spinning, I’m not familiar. Is this a lucrative business Robert? I’m impressed by the clutch *single eye socket having* dog though, and am quickly won over.
Mike here is a non-accented London-born dental student, and I’m a non-interested American-born fast-forwarder.
Next is Brandon; he’s an adrenaline junky who likes being outside and wakeboarding but….well let’s just say that growing up? the water’s been a little choppy. Insofar as his father left the family early on sending his mother into a crippling tailspin of addiction, the emotional burden of which Brandon’s been carrying around until this very moment, when he can finally use the heart-wrenching tale to win favor amongst heart-on-their-sleeves Bachelorette viewers; a demographic known as much for their mothering in committed relationships as for their lack of having a committed relationship in the first place.
It doesn’t work.
END OF MEETING GUYS FOR THE FIRST TIME; TRANSITION INTO MEETING ALL OF THE GUYS THIS TIME, VIA LIMO ARRIVALS;
It’s limo time! We know this because Harrison, thank God, is still an integral part of this show. While waiting for the men to pull up I ask Honey (my partner if you’re new here) to weigh in on Des.. I say “Honey, so far what are you thinking of Des?” He thinks. ”She has a good bikini body.”
MOST TESTY MOMENT FROM THE SHOW:
Zak: ”I HAVE ABS”
Everyone: “NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT”
So yeah, welcome to a new season! Desiree’s less pretty and really emotional to the point that it’s sickening BUT WAIT! *jingles keys* there’s someone with a secret girlfriend, a dude punches a dude at some point, this guy’s going to the hospital, and some fucking chick just waltzed in with a pretty serious look on her face that could mean literally anything? I’m listening.
FINAL THOUGHTS AFTER ROSE CEREMONY BECAUSE YOU’RE PROBABLY SICK OF READING THIS ALREADY AND WANT ME TO GET TO THE GIVEAWAY:
I am surprised to see that Desiree does not keep the armored knight (Digio?) around, as his literal interpretation of Desiree’s infantile desire to be swept off her feet by a fairytale white knight makes him if not the perfect match for her romantically, certainly a developmental equal.
I find Creepy Jonathan to be an absolute catastrophe, but my desire to rip him to shreds (or diagnose where he falls on The Spectrum in the new DSM-V) is sidelined by a glass of maple-flavored Crown Royal, a bottle of which Honey brought home for this exact occasion. (I’m never letting this guy go.)
Number 1 – people here for the Bach recap: I have a couple questions (though feel free to weigh in on any little thing that comes to mind, like what a crackpot you think I am for watching and recapping this ricockulous show):
- Do you think Desiree is ready for love?
- Any thoughts on the men?
Number 2 – people here for the giveaway: Hey there! Sorry about all the Bachelorette stuff, hehe, yeah. So to enter the giveaway aspect of this post it’s pretty simple… just leave a comment saying you’d like to win the giveaway! Individuals may leave up to 5 separate comments, for up to 5 separate shots at the prize. And yes, ANYONE CAN ENTER!
Oke the doke; can’t wait to chat about whatevs!
p.s. heads up on tonight!