So July 4th, let’s do this.
Actually first a couple of cool gifs I thought you might like:
- watch hot glass being formed into a horse. via reddit
- watch this :)
Independence Day is one of ma faves, y’all. I may not know how to file a tax return on my own but that doesn’t mean I don’t love celebrating the fact that I can, should I choose to educate myself one day, because FREE COUNTRY. And who doesn’t love a day of drinking fully condoned by Big Brother, AMIRITE. No but seriously any excuse to invite friends and fam over that doubles as an excuse to feed those people technicolor jello shots as they wait in line for the Slip N Slide run is just golden. Love it. Love getting my family drunk. (PSA: If you just got the urge to pick up a Slip N Slide for today, let me warn you: my parents are functional hoarders and so we still have the original Slip N Slide from like the 1980s (fuck me I am old!) and it’s the original 20th-century thick, impregnable plastic version, not the shit they’re selling you in stores these days. It’s honestly the only thin layer of plastic I trust when it comes to my relatives and their potential for serious internal injury. Do not I repeat do not trust the newer Slip N Slides if your backyard is a bit rocky!)
Also- I love fireworks. Best. Fireworks are THE. BEST. THING. about this holiday. Go get them, acquire them illegally if you have to, it’s worth it (obviously don’t get caught, if you get caught I was just f*cking around with you about the acquire them illegally thing).
One last thing. Whenever I make these kinds of Top 10 Lists, I do so keenly aware of your expectations for them. Which means your patriotic cake can’t just wow me, it needs to rock me on a fundamental level to the point where I can forget for a moment that some really bad shit like slavery and other terrible shit was literally still going down around the time Independence Day came into being. And yes I know that’s a downer and that I’m supposed to be a positive read but somebody* is going around to all the schools in America and ripping out the pages about the shameful stuff – so I just had to make mention of it here. You know- for the sake of our kids and the future of our nation. Or w-evs.)
*school boards across the country
And now, some lovely ideas for a sufficiently enlightened and fancypants Fourth.
Naturally, we start with drinks.
Your guests will fancy these effort drinks, via food network by way of studio diy // and think about scoring extra boozing points with these patriotic alcoholic ice cubes, BECAUSE FREEDOM MEANS DRINKING TIL YOU PUKE RIGHT via one martini at a time
Next is nail art, a popular hobby among those with unlimited free time. I hate most nail art – pictures of the human nail bed disgust me. It’s a thing I have.
Fortunately I also have a thing for beautifully executed art installations. And if your art installation happens to impress me enough, it makes literally no difference to me the medium on which it’s being presented. A wall of an abandoned building, the backdrop of your cousin’s wedding photobooth, adjacent to your bleeding dehydrated cuticles… no matter. Just be sure to take the necessary pains to make it look as good as effing possible like this girl did, and I promise I won’t immediately turn around and run away from you // nail art via this girl, who may be slightly obsessed with nail art
Who doesn’t love a good snow cone? I haven’t had a good snow cone since the 1990s guys. Why is that? Whatever, who cares – Give your guests a tasty blast from the past with these mini snow cones from bakerella, and right that wrong in the name of freedom.
Fancy sending someone an lol today? Maybe even an ROTFL? Then check out someecards’ fourth of July e-cards and try to pick only one.
plus some more nail art that I can tolerate. Yeah!
SIMPLE LAST-MINUTE EATS:
Don’t want to put a lot of effort into it? I feel you; here are some simple tricks that don’t require sobriety to pull off!
one patriotic banana cream pie coming up!, via broma bakery (obvs. just buy a banana cream pie from a reputable baker and cover it with all the shit in the picture, don’t physically make the pie who has time for that)
This is funny:
EASY WAYS TO OCCUPY KIDS TODAY:
At one point in my youth my mom held kids craft parties – one of my fave projects was making personalized t-shirts. All you need to do something like this is fabric paint and some clothing you wouldn’t mind possibly destroying if all doesn’t go well, via i love to create
Aright I’m gonna go swimming now.
Happy Fourth of July to many of you, and happy Thursday to the rest of you!
How are you spending it?