OPEN LETTER TO DES HARTSOCK | 10 Tips As You Embark On Life With A Man For Whom You Seem To Be Settling..

“There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.”

― Judith McNaught

_bachelorette-finale-desiree-hartsock

I finally found an exception to that rule.

The Bachelorette Finale – Part II: All You Don’t Need Is Love?

It’s such a shame to me when a girl settles on a man with whom she has little chemistry, just because she’s afraid she’s not going to find the man she wants.  If only we weren’t the ones who had the ovaries.

You guys here’s what I’ve been wondering ever since the show ended Monday night.  Can these types of lopsided relationships, where one person is significantly more in love with the other…can they actually work?  Like, in the long run?  Or should we as a society cling to the belief that every single person on this Earth is not only deserving of a beautiful love story, but that we should actively be seeking it out, and not rest until it is found?  (Assuming it is even possible in all cases *to be* found?)  Anyway.

Here is where my open letter to Des starts.

Dear Des,

This is what we were doing when you said something about being blindsided by your desire for Brooks, the man who rejected you and whom you clearly love, but then were like “but I was blindsided by my love for Brooks so I couldn’t see that the one thing I always needed was right in front of me,” or some shit:

hilarious kids photobombing underwater love photo

I don’t know if that photobomb pic really conveys what I’m trying to say, but it was so funny and I really wanted to include it.  But here’s what I’m trying to say:  OH COME ON.

I’m not very convinced that Chris is getting a woman who actually has deep feelings for him after their 6 weeks of casual dating.  And I think you know it.  And I think Chris is deluding himself a bit, because you’re his dream girl.  And I think you know that, too.  A relative of mine was once who Chris is, now, and a few years later it ended in a green card and a very painful drawn-out divorce.

You may be suffering, and you may be rebounding.  And that’s fine.  That’s natural.  But is it fair to Chris?  Unrequited love hurts everyone in the end.  The destruction it causes is not worth a few months of feeling “more loved than you’ve ever felt by a man in your life.”  Yes, I want you to feel that love, because you are wonderful and you DESERVE LOVE, but Desiree just consider the fallout… if you can’t keep yourself convinced.

It’s like Gloria Fallon said:

 

Of course, it’s not me you have to convince.  Nor is it the rest of the viewing public, or your overprotective brother who you don’t appreciate nearly enough, or Brooks.  It’s you.  So with all of that said, I felt compelled today to give you some pointers on being in a relationship; not that I know much of anything about being in a relationship, but I definitely know more than you, lol.  I sincerely hope this helps.

1. Chris feels like your (distant) second choice.  Let’s assume I’m right for the sake of discussion – are you planning on going ahead with the wedding?  If that’s the case, you’re going to need to curtail the impulse to make him pay for your decision for the rest of his natural born life.  He is just loving you.  Let him love you!  You chose this.  Put everything into learning to love a safe, peaceful life without physical chemistry.  Millions of women do it every day, all over the world. 

2. Cup the balls.  Don’t leave the sac alone, Des, it begs to be loved.  Ball is one of the most neglected areas on the male body; but be gentle!  But don’t be too gentle hehe that tickles.

3. Talking too much about your feelings is a turn-off for guys.  Chris especially seems the type to keep conversation to a minimum.  Good for you he’s got those poems.

4. Learn to read – this is an important one

5. Learn to emote.  Get more comfortable with actually telling other people how you literally feel.  Start easy with your brother; his loving reaction will be one laced with inexplicable anger, but he is your North Star.

6. Guys aren’t really into baby voices.  Think Trista.  And before you say but Trista found love, dancers are one of the exceptions to the baby voice rule; physical flexibility is the paper to the baby voice rock.

My point is when I close my eyes you sound like a 16yo girl, Desiree. I can’t.  And Chris won’t, for long.

7. Chris plays golf.  Guys who play golf like to keep things in.  My fiance told me last week when I asked him about a pair of lace crocheted shorts, “I’m not that into the whole bohemian look.”  This is half my closet for the last 7 years, people.  Motherfucking dedicated to that look.  So learn to go deeper emotionally, as (and this is going to sound hilarious, but) you may be the deeper one, emotionally, in this relationship.  And if you’re citing Chris’ poems as a counterpoint, you’re argument is invalid.

It’s not

That

Difficult to Write

A poem

 

8. Those bangs were working for you.  Why did you get rid of them?  Just wonderin.

9. Remember when you mentioned Brooks, your ex, within the same conversation as when Chris was preparing to propose to you?  You’re not ready to be engaged.

10. ^Prbly pay more attention to that.

But now Desiree… if you really do love Chris, as you say you do, and you really can imagine a wonderful life full of sex you want to be having with him, then I take back everything I said.  Except #2.  Girls really underestimate the importance.

IN CLOSING…

P.S. – Here’s some good life advice to remind you of what’s important in life.  This one always helps me when I’m feeling lost:

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

P.P.S. – If you’re still feeling sad over the Brooks thing, don’t; he wore a chevron button-down recently:

bachelorette contestant brooks in a chevron buttondown i mean really

P.P.P.P.S. – Here’s the last thing I’m gonna say, and then I’ll shut up and let you live your life.  But Desiree I really mean this one.

Please stop saying the right thing, and just be real with yourself.  Wtf is the point of life if it’s not that?!

Love,

Alison

++++

“How hurtful it can be to deny one’s true self and live a life of lies.” ― June Ahern

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps

Love all of this...

13 comments

  1. chandra ~ Oh Lovely Day on August 6, 2013

    and *this* is why I love you so. First of all, I really like Des. I think she might be normal and sweet. And I really felt for her when Brooks broke her heart. I was blindsided by a breakup once (I ended up marrying the guy, but we’re the exception, not the rule…) and it effing sucks. And I was with her when she said she just wanted to go home and that “for her, it was over.” and THEN chrisharrisonface pretty much twisted her words into “I’m continuing on…” and I think she felt like she had to. And then she felt Chris loving her, which is nice when you’ve been dumped. I get ALL of that. But to then allofasudden fall in love AGAIN (two weeks later!) and pretend like you were in love all along – that I don’t get. I think everyone with sense can see she didn’t want to be alone and she was the more loved one in her relationship with Chris, which felt safe and nice. But I don’t think she’s fooling anyone, including Chris and herself.

    I like Chris too – he also seems sweet and that was a great proposal. But STOP IT with the poems. They aren’t great. The rhyming is the worst part, so if you insist on continuing, maybe try a haiku. And no more dried roses that look like the blood soon to pour out of your broken heart.

    I kinda think the producers needed to more for their neverending finale and took advantage of these people and their real feelings for ratings. which is pretty much what the bachelorette/bachelor is all about I guess.

    Finally, you’re SO right about her bangs. Not sure I agree about her brother. And really, the balls like attention? (i kid…)

    Reply
    • Alison on August 14, 2013

      You are the coolest. I effing love your input on these things! But maybe that’s because it seems we think exactly alike on these things.. :)

      Reply
  2. lauren on August 6, 2013

    Brilliant letter. I say send it in!

    Please, please can someone address her last name and it’s potential metaphoric meaning in this situation?! I feel like there’s a gold mine there.

    Reply
    • Alison on August 6, 2013

      Thank you. And I agree, the last name is kind of perfact. :)

      Reply
  3. Bronwyn on August 7, 2013

    So very true!

    Reply
  4. Lena on August 7, 2013

    Y E S to all of this, but most especially the bangs, which John missed. Because he watched every episode except the last one which was so FUCKING PAINFUL. That proposal was physically uncomfortable. But best of luck with that, Des?

    Reply
    • Alison on August 9, 2013

      Sooooo physically uncomfortable. I COULD NOT TAKE IT, Lena!

      Reply
  5. dream for bride on August 8, 2013

    Wow,sweet moment!

    Reply
  6. dresstyle on August 8, 2013

    I have to say love is a considerable feeling

    Reply
  7. Jennifer on August 12, 2013

    We all need love. Love is a necessary part in my life

    Reply
  8. The Perfect Palette on September 16, 2013

    Just seeing this post – I know, I’m behind the times. But yeah – those bangs were totally working for her.

    And no, there’s no way she was in love with Chris. So sad. I hate that she felt like she had to end up with someone.

    It was obvious that she wasn’t over Brooks.

    I kind of have to wonder if his religion had anything to do with him not wanting to commit to marriage.

    My first love was a mormon and I was head over heels – wanted to spend my life with him. I know he felt it too – but ultimately, when he came back from his mission.. he was dead set on having a temple marriage – and in the LDS church, you must both be practicing mormons and in good standing with the church to get married in a temple.

    Alas, he broke my heart :/ And still to this day I hate that it went down the way it did.

    What I’m trying to say is that it’s true – he may have just not been that into her.

    But there’s a possibility he did the show and never guessed in a million years he’d get so far.

    Maybe he developed true feelings. But in the end he choose his church over the potential for true love.

    That’s what happened in my case. Poor Des.

    Reply
  9. Susanne on February 10, 2014

    I’m still wondering why she sent the runner up home…. early – as for Chris …good luck guy !

    Reply
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