CONFESSIONS | installment 1 | 25 Things That Shock Me About Myself, and The World. [NSFW-ish]

real-talk-confessions-installment-1

I think I’m getting my period and there’s no chocolate in the house, so I’ll be writing some pretty emotional stuff today.  Even though I would rather be eating chocolate.  Here goes.

The following is a stream of consciousness list I put together about things that still manage to shock me, as the world has become so frigging shocking to me sometimes that I don’t even feel like I have the ability to be surprised anymore.  I think I’m making this sound too upbeat.

 

THE LIST

1. How much “likes” and “favorites” have come to mean to me, despite my conscious resistance and supposed self-assurance that I don’t need that shit to feel good.  It’s like it happened without any input on my part.  As if my brain chemistry is changing..

2. How many times I’ve had to rewash the laundry after not drying it in time.  (I have to get down there before the spiders return or it’s staying overnight/getting moldy/DGAF)

3. How long I put things off (and subsequently worry about them until I do them), even when it will take literally just a few minutes to do them.

4. How easily I can be distracted and get off task, sometimes indefinitely.  If I was a comic book hero my insurmountable downfall would without a doubt be something related to distraction. “yeah she was going to save that puppy – but her gchat beeped”  

5. How distracting gchat can be.  I will be on the toilet and if I hear a gchat ping I will literally get off the toilet and check who it was regardless of where I am in the process (usually no one’s home when I do this)

6. Anal bleaching

7. How much energy I’ve squandered hauling myself over the coals for an inability to meet society’s impossible/destructive standards of girl beauty.  And how many times I’ve let totally ridiculous concerns about my appearance stop me from having a good time.  (I could set a Guinness record for times redo-ing a ponytail)

8. The amazing healing powers of vaseline, when I’ve run out of willpower and can no longer not touch the zit.

9. Poop pills (I have a gluten intolerance and Honey keeps insisting on implanting his poop pills in my colon; I’ve gone from absolutely not NEVER, to considering it..)

10. The erectile dysfunction drug commercials with the people sitting in separate bathtubs outdoors.  No sex is happening in those bathtubs – correct?  Seems implausible.  Certainly the brittle-boned don’t fantasize about banging inside open-faced porcelain caskets.  This one not so much shocks me as confuses me and makes me angry that dicks and dick problems are shoved in my face every other television commercial.  (Still waiting on a commercial about how to make a woman actually want you to stick it in her**.  That wouldn’t be profitable though so oh well.)

**For me personally it’s not jewelry from Jared’s.  It’s treating me with respect, neck kisses and a slow hand.  Also don’t focus so immediately on the clitoris, people who don’t understand clitorises.  It’s only part of the pleasure puzzle.  Involve ALL AREAS of the V.  ALL AREAS.

11. Speaking of drugs; the way drug companies are so crafty about getting you to feel like you need their drug.  I read an article recently in a major newspaper about a “study” that says we’ve all been dead wrong about aloe having sunburn-soothing powers.  Also discussed in the article?  A drug GSK is sending to market soon that promises to soothe sunburns.

12. How fucking necessary friends are.  And how stupid easy it is to connect with new ones if you just realize one basic thing: yes, there are some assholes in the world who will reject you, but for the most part we’re all just looking for ways to alleviate the loneliness.  And the best prescription (omg so cheesy) for loneliness is human connection.  (Assholes are just people who’ve completely closed themselves off to human connection.  They’re too scared to try.)

13. How much time I’ve wasted thinking I’m the only one going through something, and how I almost always choose to go inward on myself, for fear that the people around me will be disappointed in me or think I’m weird and reject me once they find out what I’m going through.  SO STUPID!

14. How I doom myself to fail when I compare my real self with the image I have in my head of who I’m supposed to be.  Been working on this one since that day in 8th grade when I realized every girl but me was wearing foundation and had colorful juicy-looking lips.  I hid my face for the rest of the day, went home, searched for any makeup my mom had, and started trying to make myself look more airbrushed every day since.

15. The way that almost every woman news anchor doesn’t seem to realize (or does?!) that wet-looking lips covered in lipstick and gloss are actually an ages-old attempt to mimic the glistening lips of the aroused vagina.  So this means they’re trying to get dudes off while delivering the news of the day.  Like stories of death, and child shootings.  That is the only identifiable reason a woman would consider glossing their lips while at work at a news desk, I can’t see any other justifiable reason to be doing that.  Let’s stop doing this, k?  Let’s quit it with the glossy lip stuff except for when we’re out on dates with people in whom we’re sexually interested.  If you didn’t know it, now you know.  I literally can’t look at a girl straight after having learned this fact about glossy lips.

16. This-

dalai lama on money and health

17. The amount of hair I lose in the shower.  I could form words with it on the tiles.  It’s astonishing to me every time, the amount.  If I’ve gone enough days without washing I can really scare the shit out of myself.  (‘Enough days’ is defined as the amount of days it takes for my partner to say “ok that’s ENOUGH,” or, about three days.)

Little story: if Honey goes to take a shower, and I’ve forgotten to rinse my hair down from the walls and dispose of it in a neighboring county, I’ll hear a loud *GASP* then see him backing out of the bathroom.  If I’m there he’ll stare at me, sometimes yelling out incoherently.  It’s like that time when the shortest privileged girl on Long Island Princesses (dear God my references) was like “hellllp……muh…” in the vineyard during a panic attack.  (No offense to rich people who have panic attacks during vineyard brunches, I’m sure your pain runs just as deep).

18. How panicky I still am about taking a shower alone in the house while Honey’s away (grrrr, hate this one!)

19. How difficult this still is for me to embrace as a writer:

Brene-Brown-quotes

Brené I’m trying.  This is tough work.  If people find out I’ve at times gone four (intensely satisfying) days without showering, I’ll lose the respect I’ve garnered as a person who blogs about weddings on the internet.

20. How long I’ll continue to ponder a recent social interaction if I feel it went even *a little* awkwardly.

21. How addicted I am to my phone and how I’m pretty sure it’s a good path to depression and at the very least antisocial behavior in public spaces.

22. How INVINCIBLE AND FREE I feel whenever I don’t have my phone on me.  (I’ve literally made friends with people when I’ve left my phone behind.)

23. How impossible it is to leave my phone behind, even when I know the above is true.

24. This:

winnie cooper aka danica mckellar then and now

25. How cute my dogs are :)

bambino-and-little-guy-our-two-frenchies

new knotty bride mascot french bulldog puppy named no name because we are terrb parents

bambino-and-his-minime

that’s Bambino with his felted mini-me, made by my sister who’s really gotten into felting recently..

+++

Hope this wasn’t weeeeeird.

I have a lot more of these Confessions posts in the works btw, if you’re into it…?

Anything you’d like to add to the list in the comments?  I would desperately love to hear them.

-Alison

p.s. another giveaway coming up soon, stay tuned you guysies.  I am super overdue for one!

Label(s): Real Life Issues

Love all of this...

14 comments

  1. Elaine on December 5, 2013

    Best. List. Ever.

    Reply
  2. Gee | EverythingWeddingsAndMore on December 5, 2013

    Hahahah! this is a pretty funny list – Anal bleaching? LOL! I remember the first time I saw that quote in #16, so true!!

    Reply
  3. Sandy on December 5, 2013

    These are some great confessions. My hubs is the same about hair in the shower. And you know when you take the hair off the hairbrush and throw it away in a giant clump? The first time he saw that, I got a LOOK like I’d just kicked a puppy. Yikes.

    Speaking of puppies…did you name the little one yet?!

    Reply
  4. Elizabeth on December 5, 2013

    Seriously it’s like you live inside my head with this one! Wow. My mind is blown (in a good way)! Thank you for making me feel less weird. Now THAT is the greatest gift ever!

    Reply
  5. lena on December 5, 2013

    So, SO into this. Because I sent John daily texts of Frenchies that aren’t mine, and you’ve just given me a wealth of new material. Because I’ve missed your voice. Because I’m on day four of not washing my hair (helllloooo, bun) and I do think people sitting around me might judge. Because I am so aware of the perfect-Lena I’m failing to be, and working so hard to be kinder to the actual person that I am. Because I’m putting myself out there in a major way and it (along with the little hangover from our Tacos & Tequila-themed holiday party) are twisting my tummy in knots. HORRAY for confessions!

    Reply
  6. Bethany on December 5, 2013

    This is so refreshingly honest, and almost every single one had me shaking my head in agreement! I can’t stop thinking about #1 and how my brain has been rewired and it’s too late and there’s nothing I can do….

    Reply
  7. Megs on December 6, 2013

    Oh Alison…. yup pretty much it all resonated with me… totally down with the confessionals…. you are like my long lost soul sister and I love your posts :) Oh and the baby pictures (Bam and as-yet-introduced-nugget) are SOOOO appreciated!!

    Reply
  8. Jessica @ The Budget Savvy Bride on December 6, 2013

    How’d you get in my head? Several of these confessions could have come from me, as well. Specifically the number of days without showering. (except my number is higher, *gasp!*)

    Reply
  9. Jac on December 10, 2013

    Great list!

    Reply
  10. Daniel on December 11, 2013

    I feel bad now… :)

    Reply
  11. Elemeez on December 12, 2013

    Hi! I just wanted to share with you my handmade jewelry shop elemeez.etsy.com I sell stylish necklaces, earrings and bracelets – all handmade! Thanks!

    Reply
  12. Kelsey on January 2, 2014

    Learning to embrace who you are (yes, cheesy) is the key to letting go of self-doubt and gaining confidence. I struggle with this as much as you do, but it helps to be mindful of it everyday. Hopefully, 2014 will let us be nicer to ourselves.

    Reply
  13. Cassandra on January 3, 2014

    Yes, yes, yes. Keep these coming. We are kiiiinda similar, my friend. xx

    Reply
  14. mannyspoelstra on January 21, 2014

    Love that Dalai Lama message. It’s really ironic that men sacrifices health for money then it will turn the other way around, eventually. Cool!

    Reply

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