It’s Saturday. Here, finally, is your Episode 2 recap.
The show starts with previews of the show. EVERYTHING is going to happen. Yet nothing at all. I’m ashamed at how excited I am for such manufactured nothingness to unravel.
Flash to Dog Lover’s dog, Molly, who is swimming in the pool. Molly couldn’t swim before The Bachelor but this pool is filled with the salt of 27 women’s tears so she’s practically floating. It’s really good to see that at least one of the girls is growing from this experience.
Clare is getting ready to go on her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo. Her date card is “Let’s Chill.” She tells us “I don’t go to bars, I don’t do online dating, and I don’t go on dates.” She has never met a man in her life, and asks producers where the penis is on the male body. ”I know it sounds crazy, but this could be the first date with my future husband,” she tells us. I don’t understand why they say it when they know it sounds crazy.
Juan Pablo arrives and greets the girls. Next Juan Pablo blindfolds Clare in front of the women and the two drive off. Romantic!
Sitting blindfolded in the passenger seat, Clare’s mind wanders to her dad, mostly thoughts of the many good times she had with him and how maybe he’s happy for her right now. She starts thinking of all the lessons he taught her before his untimely death, like that one about never letting a man blindfold you and then take you to another location. Clare yells out “THIS DOES MAKE ME KIND OF NERVOUS” but fortunately, Juan Pablo is right there to calm her down by not doing a thing to make the situation less threatening.
They arrive at the date. It is a field of fake snow, and some fake ice. They’re going to sled and skate on it. Clare is EUPHORIC.
Clare rather cutely starts saying some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard about fake snow and fake ice and her relaysh with Juan Pablo. I need this series to end soon.
Cut to the bevy at home, some of whom are relaxing in the hot tub. One of them is acting like she’s happy for Clare that Clare is spending time with the man the girl ultimately wants to marry at the end of this show. I’m sure she’s being genuine about it. It reminds me of this:
Free Spirit is also in the hot tub and naked. This is Free Spirit’s purpose this season. Free Spirit is ABC’s answer to dwindling male viewership. I definitely should be madder at her but I can’t be bothered, this is minor, volunteered objectification compared to what’s coming up later in the show.
After commercial we are brought into a one-on-one date card ceremony. Everyone is smiling and no one is happy. The date card is for Kat; it reads “Kat, I can FEEL the electricity… Juan Pablo.” You know JUAN Pablo wrote this ONE IF you’ve ever SEEN his TWEETS.
CUT BACK to the winter wonderland one-on-one. Clare feels like they’ve been connecting so well, so why not ruin everything by talking about the devastating effects of brain cancer? Clare tends to go into detail about the dad thing during every interaction in life, because she’s the only one ever to lose a father. She has chosen a sensual hot tub massage as the ideal time to unload her dead dad story onto Juan Pablo, and her timing couldn’t be better. Every girl knows delivering a sexually-charged massage is one of the few times your guy will stay still and listen to you talk through your sadfeels without being (too) tempted to stop you before you finish. Clare is hopeful that her dad is smiling down on her from Heaven right now, and it’s likely! Can being one of twenty of a dude’s girlfriends be considered anything but a father’s dream?
Actually, I’m sure if Clare’s father is looking down from Heaven right now he’s very
about it. But w-evs, it’s happening. Next – to me and her dad’s surprise – Juan Pablo is totes into it and awards Clare the rose for sharing her story. It gets pretty hot and remember Clare is half-naked for most of it so at this point Clare’s father is most definitely looking down on them right now – like literally looking down on them, in disgust. It’s an amazing show.
A mediocre singer I’ve never heard of performs for them and it’s lovely. I can’t stand it.
ONE ON ON DATE: KAT AND JUAN PABLO
I hated this date and I can’t explain why. It’s a big production but essentially this is a mini marathon where thousands of people, including JP and Kat dress up in light-up clothing to dance-jog down city streets to a throbbing techno beat. It is the cocaine-fueled-dance-party equivalent of a one-on-one date, which- I’ve always felt to be one of the better atmospheres for determining if someone is marriage material. So we’re off to a good start.
The whole thing looks pretty lame but I’m sure it must have been exhilarating for all involved. I’m trying to come up with stuff to say but I can’t because I’m so hopelessly bored. Kat gets a rose because Juan Pablo’s dick gets a boner when he sees her, no other reason. Then I see previews of what’s coming up after the commercial and I stop worrying about having enough material to write about.
I fast forward a little into the show after the commercials but I don’t bother rewinding. I fight the anxiety that I might have missed something worth mocking. I question my life’s purpose.
GROUP DATE TIME
It’s time for the group date. Chelsie, on cocaine, expresses her excitement about the group date saying she “did one of these” when she found out
Kelly, on Valium, slurs the words “date card said ‘Say Cheese’” and “I assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese… I’m good at both…”
39 minutes in and I’m pretty sure Juan Pablo doesn’t speak English. Juan Pablo tells the girls they’re doing a photo shoot and is joined by some people including a man with a blue goatee, because blue goatee screams ARTIST! to blue goatee guy. To me it screams Creeper. I decide to stop judging.
The shoot is for “Models for Mutts” in association with a local dog adoption agency (aww!) and the girls will need to get partially naked for it, OH. [AUDIBLE SIGH.] With a permanent smile on his face the guy representing the dog adoption place tells the girls how badly these dogs need owners, “so if you could beautify them up a little bit (by accepting that you’re just an object and posing your nude body suggestively around the animals in an attempt to attract the eyes of our highly coveted “pervert pet adopter” market) I think it’s gonna help them find a home.”
I love how a semi-naked photo shoot is considered a normal approach to dating on this show. Nude photo shoot group date for a good cause! Because there’s no better way to find out if someone is marriage material than to see if they’ll loose themselves of their dignity in order to advance levels in game shows. Btw this is possibly the most underhanded, smart way to get a woman to feel guilty about not having gotten naked in front of you already. You almost can’t reason your way out of it. If you don’t get naked the dogs die. Sucks. Just sucks. Shitty situation that all of them absolutely knew they would be getting into when they signed up for this show.
I honestly can’t believe I’m wasting even a moment of my time getting worked up about this. But I am! I’m actually getting really worked up. Not so visibly upset that I risk looking bitter in front of my fiancé watching next to me, but upset. And then even more upset, because I start to get angry about how my visible upsetness will likely be interpreted as bitterness and jealousy and I CAN’T WIN.
The two people who have to get the most naked to save dogs are the ones with actual careers to maintain; Andi, an Assistant District Attorney and Elise, the school teacher with a dead mom. Let’s hope mom isn’t watching. I can guarantee you Clare’s dad is watching. Creepy Guy with the blue beard, who was already creepy by entering the room, hands the two girls their outfits in the creepiest way possible – with maniacal laughter. The “outfits” are just pieces of rectangular posterboard that have words printed on them, like “ADOPT.”
I am outraged, being a woman. Andi is concerned what doing a nude photo shoot will do to her reputation. Nothing more than what competing on The Bachelor will do to her reputation. She goes on for a while complaining and panicking over her lack of clothes. If only she had the legal training to argue her way out of having to wear that costume.
I should be clear; Andi and Elise *do* push back on having to wear their tiny outfits, but their pleas to be treated with respect are laughed off and totally ignored because I wanna say rape culture? Yeah rape culture.
Elise switches costumes with Lucy because Lucy is the naked girl, so that worked out!
At this point I realize I am watching porn.
This is porn.
So Lucy will be naked and Elise will be a fire hydrant. But we still have Andi. Andi approaches Juan Pabs about feeling uncomfortable about only wearing a sign and requests more clothing for the shoot. Juan Pabs is like “OMG STFU.” No he didn’t say that, but he might as well have. Because he didn’t actually let her wear more clothing, despite that being her only request. The two walk away from the exchange feeling more bonded than ever.
The photo shoot happens. Various girls pose with Juan Pablo in outfits that are meants to reflect the types of dogs they’re posing with and Juan Pablo says stuff like “This fun” and “AaaaAAAhh” – the typical fare. Here’s how the nakey pics turn out:
Back from commercial and Juan Pablo and the ladies have taken the party to a rooftop pool. Best place to get wasted is on a rooftop near an uncovered pool, I always say. The girls are elated. Son-having Cassandra decides this is a good time to reveal that she has a son. She tells him, giggling through the admission like a little girl because that’s literally what she is (chronological age has no bearing on emotional age on this show). Right when Cassandra tells Juan Pablo the son news you can see he visibly shakes, like his entire body convulses, for a brief moment. So you know he’s cool with it.
I look back up from writing and he’s with Renee, the other mother. Juan Pablo moves fast. He doesn’t have time for making conversation or even saying words. Next scene we’re taken to is the roof party, where everyone’s being super chill and not visibly focusing too heavily on how the man they love is bonding with other women who have designs on him. Suddenly I hear “heyyyyyy girrrrrl heeeeeyyyyy” and I cringe, almost in the way I would if I were suddenly finding out that my girlfriend has a son. The phrase “hey girl hey” is so 2013. I’m worried the show’s writers are becoming lazy and recycling last season’s material. Because they definitely don’t already do that kind of thing on The Bachelor/ette. Anyway Victoria’s drunk. Fortunately there’s a pediatric nurse on hand to treat the child. Nikki tells her that she needs to tone it down
and goes on to say “I think everybody thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” which I’m sure doesn’t make Victoria any more uncomfortable than she already is. Nikki has great bedside manner. It reminds me of the time I went to the hospital at age 11 for an asthma attack and my doctor said “No thanks” when I told him I was breathing so much better that I would like to sing a song for him. It’s not like I’ve held onto that rejection for my entire life. Victoria will be fine.
Victoria tries to explain to some of the girls that she’s not drunk
and it’s convincing. It’s a convincing case. She explains “nahuh, I juzzgot hrrrr! annat hammered. Disis howahhmmsoberrrr. Ahm jus FUN, sobrrrr.” That’s verbatim. One hour left in the show.
Back from commercial and Victoria is awesome. Victoria is single-handedly making this show awesome. I hate this show so much and the only things I look forward to are when the girls get so drunk that they either a) become uninhibited and hilarious or b) fall apart under the pressure. Victoria gave us both! Here are some noteworthy quotes from the downfall:
1. “Juan Pablo izz my boyfriennnn.”
2. “Today I gave him the hymen maneuver, I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that.” That sounds rose-worthy, yes.
3. “Everyone’s like, oh, you straddled Juan Pablo? Like, if you do the hymen maneuver and somebody’s laying down and dying, you’re gonna have to straddle them.” This actually seems to make sense, there is probably no other way to administer the hymen maneuver.
4. “Whose leg do I have to hump around here to get some time with Juan Pablo?”
After her drunk interviews she goes in search of Juan Pablo, who she discovers hanging out with his other girlfriend Nikki. When Victoria sees this she does what any other drunk girl would do: FREAKS THE FUCK OUT. At this point Victoria clearly wants off camera. Which means she’ll be the only thing on camera for the next 10 minutes. She runs to producers asking that she be allowed to go home, but they don’t allow it citing her safety. She’s drunk, wearing only a bikini, and unraveling emotionally. If they let her leave now she’ll waste all that on strangers. Much safer to let it all play out on television.
We’re back from commercial and still on the roof, everyone’s wearing blankets and talking about Victoria. Juan Pablo goes to check on Victoria who is in the ladies room. I’m assuming she went there thinking it was the only place where she could be alone. Nope!
Juan Pablo tries to talk to Victoria through the bathroom stall but Victoria is resistant, humiliated and broken. Or she can’t understand his English. Doesn’t matter because he gives up quickly and goes outside to chill with his saner girlfriends. Dog Lover gets the date rose for being brave enough to dress up in blackface during the photo shoot
and tells us she’s happy about it because she can “sleep in, chill at the pool, I don’t have to pack my bags which is a lot of stuff,” reminding us that she’s here for the right reasons. I like Kelly. I think I’ll give her the dignity of calling her Kelly from now on.
Before Juan Pablo leaves he asks the girls he’s dating to keep an eye on that other girl he’s dating. They oblige. In interviews they gush about how great a man Juan Pablo is, because it’s not every day a guy can be bothered to spend 5 seconds with a girl, leave her for dead, and then charge her enemies with her care. One girl says “It was really honorable how Juan Pablo handled the situation.” Another says “He is such a gentleman, it’s so respectable of him to act in that manner.” Am I dying?
Back from commercial and some of the women are gossipping about Victoria’s behavior and how it was unacceptable. They are just so happy to have something to talk about. Victoria is no longer staying at the mansion. Juan Pablo visits Victoria and she apologizes. Juan Pablo accepts this apology but explains that he wants a mother for his daughter plus two more babies and, based on last night’s behavior, Victoria doesn’t seem capable of abstaining from alcohol for a consecutive 18 months once the show wraps. He must let her go.
Back from commercial (there are so many fucking commercials I CANNOT) and it’s the eveningwear portion of the date. Everyone is dressed up and ready to drink some more because what better way to round out a day of excessive drinking than with more drinking. Next thing we know Juan Pabs is taking Amy the television reporter out for some one-on-one cocktail party time. She chooses to throw it all away by performing a mock interview in front of him. Clare’s dad is laughing.
Next, Juan Pablo is escorting Sharleen the opera singer to an area where they can have some one-on-one time. She’s wearing a dress that is a Pablo Picasso version of the dress she wore last week, there’s fabric everywhere. It looks like she got stuck in window drapes, it’s elegant.
Cassandra who has a son at home is crying uncontrollably about being separated from her son, despite having chosen to be separate from him. House Mother Renee is there to comfort her until Juan Pablo enters the room, at which point she leaves the room so the lovebirds to talk. Renee is doing it wrong. Cassandra explains to Juan Pablo that she would be sad to be apart from her son for so long if there was no real potential for her and Juan Pablo. The amazing man he is, Juan Pablo reassures her that the moment he’s no longer getting a chub from just glancing at her figure, he’ll promptly send her home without hesitation. She feels reassured. They spend several minutes with their faces 5 inches apart but all she gets is an Obama fist bump.
During the commercial break the worst shows in the history of modern television are teased, and I throw up in my dog’s mouth. Right in it. Sean and Catherine’s wedding is teased as well and I couldn’t be LESS INTERESTED. I’ll of course be tuning in.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME
Kat, Kelly and Clare already have roses going into the ceremony. Everyone hates them. Chris Harrison explains what roses are and how to accept them when they are offered to you, and it seems all the girls comprehend the instructions tonight. First girl Juan Pablo calls is Cassandra, so clearly I misread their lack of chemistry. Then it’s Nikki… then Andi… then Elise… then Sharleen… then Renee… then Danielle… then LUCY >:^(… then Allison… then Chelsie… then piano-peddling Lauren… and the Final Rose goes to…….
REJECTED: Amy the tv reporter. Chantel the only black girl. They seem genuinely upset that a dating show didn’t result in a meaningful long-term relationship. I don’t understand our world.
PREVIEWS OF UPCOMING SHIT
We are repeatedly reminded that Catherine and Sean haven’t had sex yet via commercials about Sunday’s episode that will be catching us up on past couples and previewing their wedding. They point to their wedding night bed and call it “Consummation Station.”. Keep it to yourselves you freaks.
In the previews for Sunday night’s show we also see flashes from the Mesnick wedding, Desiree Hartsock feigns happiness regarding her relaysh with Chris, and Ryan of Trista & Ryan is looking SUPA DUPA ELDERLY now. WOW. Wow. Aging sucks!
… So, thoughts?
lead image courtesy of Juan Pablo Galavis
Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps