that’s a sneak peek from an upcoming feature I’m excited to share (I mean, obvs.; just look at it) but also don’t want to associate in full-feature-form with this smorgasbord of a blog post conversation today.  We have other fish to fry and/or lightly bake with low-fat gluten free cornflake crumbs, and all that starts….. now:

Happy early evening on Tuesday, my buddies my pals!  How you doin’ out there?  You good?  I trust that those of you out there who are waiting on this recap have had ample time to go ahead and watch it?  Waited ’til 8pm EST this time to take this live, just to be sure!  Because there are definitely slight spoilers ahead, F to the Y to the I.

Ok, SO!  I’m gonna start today with a quick question that I’m looking forward to getting your thumbs up or thumbs down on.  Your feedback to yesterday’s post was the bomb, and I think a whole lot of us got a whole lot out of it, which makes me break out in hives of itchy pleasure.  While the topic was a bit of a downer, your comments were so interesting and honest and real, and I loved every minute of what you had to say and share.  Now, the question: 

We’ve heard things from the perspective of the person receiving a proposal… now, would you be interested in hearing it from the one doing the proposing?  The stresses, the feelings involved, the whole experience and what the concept of *proposing* has become to those doing the work, in these modern times?  Please do sound off in the comments.  Moving on to our second round…

~ BACHELOR PAD: We Call High School “The Preseason” ~

You guys, I’m a little concerned that not everyone on Bachelor Pad is strictly ‘there to make friends’ this season.

Mike Staglione definitely is.  He’s effortlessly cuddly and honest.  Straight shooter that guy.  Holly, too.  And Gia.  In fact I see myself in Gia, except of course for the RETINA-SINGEING BEAUTY.  Gia wanted to win, but she wanted it to be by sending *bad/dishonest* contestants home.  And then she got backstabbed by her buddy – Grant, is it?  So she left the show, because homey don’t play that.  I feel you on that, Gia.  I feel you right here *points to chest where heart would be*.

But most everyone else on the show?  They all seem to be ‘there to win,’ and not ‘to make friends.’  Based on the frequency with which contestants tend to declare this on Bachelor-related shows, one should safely be able to assume that ‘making friends’ is what should be going on, and that ‘not’ being there to do that, is anti-the point of the show?  No?  Ok.  Anyway, Ashley Herrrberrrre was a charming little baggage-less beauty compared to what we’re dealing with on Bachelor Pad 2 this season.  Honestly, why do you make me watch this stuff?  What’s that?  I have a choice?  What’s that?  There’s the door, there’s another door over there, and I can leave whenever I want to?  Wait a second – who’s there… is that you, Chrisharrison?  I’m not Vienna – I’m not – you’re trying to talk to Vienna.  Right.  Ok – yeah, no it’s cool.  We cool.  Your hair looked very nice and coiffed and much fuller/filled with more matter on the show last night, by the way Chrisharrison.  Even when you willingly delivered the line “alright ladies, we’re about to start the third and final question… here comes the first contestant… your question: Who are you least attracted to?”  But just a note, Chrisharrison… I think you left out “now, pitch eggs at the backs of these girls’ heads.  No yeah, go ahead, do it.  Yeah, at any speed that feels comfortable to you.  No, yeah, mercilessly-fast is fine.  Mmm hmm.”

You guys, one of the 13 times my heart broke during this episode was when heavily medicated Erica got shot in the a$$, arm, side-face and face-neck on the “Who are you least attracted to” question.  It was HORRIFIC to watch.

HORRIFIC.  I don’t care if they signed up for it.  Women simply do not deserve to be put through such horrible horribleness.

………

………….

……………….. And then she said this:

“It’s hurtful that people are targeting me, especially when there’s someone like Ella who’s definitely way bigger than I am, and I don’t think she’s that pretty.”

And also this:

“I’m voting off Ella tonight.  Ella’s a good competitor for sure; she really needs the money, and would do anything to win, so I really wanna get rid of her.”

That’s talent!  It’s like magic, the way Erica can get everyone to turn on/be angry at her, all at once, across the entire country.  And at her most vulnerable time, no less!  No, I will not be making any parallels to politicians.

Where are the term papers and backpacks?  Are they just not filming the study group sessions?  Because so far this season is reminding me a lot of what high school was like for me.

Also, the hot tubs?  Where are they?  There was absolutely zero hot tub action last night.  Maybe I missed it?  If anything, ABC, I’ve come to expect my hot tub scenes and my Sex Try-outs (you may know them as Fantasy Suite Card dates), and I’ve come to expect them plentifully.  What gives?

~ And now, an ode to Ames Brown, The Man, The Myth, The Intellectual. ~

I love Ames Brown.  And it is hardly a result of his mind-blowing fashionableness alone.  His teeth are very straight.  His face has 17 different levels of “shocked.”  He’s the only one who looks awkward all the time because he is being filmed for a reality television show and so looks normal because THAT’S HOW YOU SHOULD LOOK IF YOU’RE ON REALITY TELEVISION AND GETTING FILMED ALL THE TIME FOR YOUR LAUGHABLENESS.  I know how much people love all caps, so you’re welcome, for that.  So yeah, these things about Ames are all. great. things.  But superficial things.  One cannot love for superficial things, amirite?  So, to share for a moment why this man is The Man, I have this to say…

Thank you, Ames, for – in the final throws of what felt like the most jam-packed-with-drama episode of any reality tv show we’ve ever seen, ever in our lives – for making me tear up by showing what good, kind and beautiful things that good, kind and honorable men are capable of when they truly believe that they have found love.  Even if it’s with Jackie.  Yes, maybe he’s got quite a lot of dollars, much more than what he stood to win on the show and so this is no true sacrifice; yes, maybe Jackie’s totally fine off, too; yes, maybe those pinkish red (reddish pink?) pants were an interesting choice; yes, maybe he did *have to think about it for a sec* before actually running after Jackie’s limo.  Yes, maybe all these things.  But in the end, our beloved Ames did the righteous thing, the valiant thing, the beautiful thing… and that is, create a tear-jerking final sequence to a highly emotional reality show, thus bringing us great television.  So thank you, for that.  We will collectively drape our tennis sweaters around our shoulders in salute, and wish you and Jackie all the luck and happiness in the world.

Oh, you guys broke up?  Shoot.  That is a BUMMER.  Ah well, pip pip, cheerio!

In other news, if you guessed “Tara Reid” as the answer to the mystery midriff barer in our title, congratulations, friend!  And by the way, I missed Brooke Burke when Tara replaced her on that late night E! show, too.  Totally changed the tone of that show.  It was classy porn that we could get away with watching when Brooke was the one hosting it, all classily.  When Tara took over it just became direct porn.  YEAHTHANKS, Tara.

Anyway, she got herself a husband, y’all! ↓ Oh and by the way, Tara just whispered a secret in my ear:

First rule of Classy Club is you don’t use the word “classy.”  I know, right, Tara?  Tara gets it.

Here’s the rundown Samantha from Life & Style sent us on the big event:

On Aug. 13, American Pie alum Tara Reid got engaged to Zack Kehayov — and then tied the knot the same day in Greece. Now Life & Style can exclusively reveal the first photo from the wedding! And the star is ecstatic about her marriage. “She can’t wait to get back to America and celebrate with her friends and family,” a friend of Tara’s tells Life & Style.

“I just got engaged!” the actress tweeted that day. Just hours later, Tara, 35, returned to Twitter to announce that she was a newlywed. “Just got married in Greece,” she tweeted. “I love being a wife.” And after much speculation about who Tara actually married, she announced on Twitter early this morning,  ”His name is Zack Kehayov.”

Tara recently ended her relationship with Danish businessman Michael Lillelund. She was previously engaged to Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann but called it off in April 2010. She was also engaged to The Voice host Carson Daly but split in June 2001. This is the first marriage for the American Reunion star.

As always, many thanks to Samantha for sending us that little inbox surprise.  And peeps, if you’d like to see more photos inside Tara Reid’s wedding, pick up the new issue of Life & Style, on newsstands Wednesday.

And now, my personal new favorite pic of ‘Bino.  I call this one, “jus loungin’ on ma bell.”  (Bell = belly in the Knotty household.  STOP LAUGHING AT US.)

That smile always makes everything better.  For us, anyway.

{New bit →} Spam Comment of the Day:

“I like this website presented and it has given me some sort of inspiration to have success for some reason, so thank you.”

Listen, anytime, guy.  For whatever reason.

So, thoughts?  Specifically about whether or not you’d be interested in reading a post written from the perspective of the person doing the marriage proposing.  And also, as always, kindly go ahead and spill your various musings on anything else I addressed in this here post.  You know I love it when you spill it on me.  EW, NOT LIKE THAT.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography (sneak peek): Amber Fischer / Flowers: Sweet Pea & Lace, Boise, ID

Bachelor Pad images: taken by me

Well well well… would ya take a look at that.  It’s Wednesday evening already.  8PM EST, to be exact.  Yep, that’s what happens when… well, you’ll see in a second.  So yeah, other than teaching our inbox a hell of a lesson today, guess what we’ve been occupied with for MOST OF THIS MORNING AND AFTERNOON? 

↑ Sharrdy Christmas Ornament of Death | Sweet Baby Bambino McPuppyPants ↑

Yup.  That’s what’s left of a Christmas ornament on the left.  Mmmhmm, you’re right it’s July.  And yes again, that’s Bamela on the right, looking very GQ you might say on the outside.  But on the inside?  Turns out, french bulldogs and sharrdy ornaments don’t mix well, but on the other fate-tempting hand they DO make fast friends if someone decides to shatter an ornament on your front stoop and leave every bit of the mess for your puppy and other peoples’ puppies to lick up.  SIIIIIIIGH, nyc.  SIIIIIIIGH.

Fortunately, I have what I believe is solidly conclusive news that he didn’t ingest anything.  But.  OH. MY. BEJEEZUS. you guys.  I don’t even want to IMAGINE what could have been.  And it’s ok… we can laugh about it now.  He’s fine, thank goodness.  But yeah, welcome to my Wednesday morning and afternoon.

Ok.  Moving on, rapidly. … into another unrelated story… yeah, go me!

So, you guys remember how I put out a call for stellar planking photos for an Amazeballs Planking Photos: Wedding Edition post (I just made that name up, but I think it’s good, it works) in the imaginary near future?  Well, as I indicated on Le Twit earlier today, Katy Perry decided to ruin it for me.  Yay!  Kidding, boo.  Hiss.  This is just like the time she ruined that SNL episode for me, and all those awards shows and most songs.  Her only redeeming attribute at this point is the heavenly parade of melodic beauty we all know as Teenage Dream.  Because, I mean, come on.  You have to admit, that song is pretty wonderballs.

Ok, so like I said, Katy Perry has nothing to do with this post.  Zilch.  Because Katy Perry is, by all accounts, experiencing the bliss of a happy, loving relationship.  And that’s awesome, because it turns out that it’s actually not the easiest thing in the world to have a successful relationship.  Whoa!  Am I blowing your mind?  I know. ;)  And when you add *being a star* to the mix, well, things can get hairy.  Yeah, that’s how it’s spelled – ‘hairy.’  Surprising, right?  It surprised me, too.  I had to look it up real quick-like to make sure, because it felt like I was saying stardom causes accelerated hair growth when mixed with loving, committed relationships.  Anywhooooo I mention all of this relationshippy stuff because – and you might have heard this already, especially since I tweeted it the other day when the news broke… but for those who haven’t yet heard, everyone’s favorite reality tv star (you guys I’m completely joking; I HATED. HER.) Kristin Cavallari and her fiance, Jay Cutler, broke up.

Here’s the kicker: the wedding was set to happen in like a couple of seconds from now.  No, really.

And the guy called it off.

Yeah.

Ok, most of us have already heard this.  But here’s the thing: putting aside, for the sake of discussion, our less than positive feelings about this The Hills meangirl, this whole thing really got to me.

I decided to write about it today because I was planning to write on the topic anyhow, and then the lovely ladies of Life & Style shot me some lovely exclusive pics from their shoot with Kristin during which she TRIED ON WEDDING DRESSES (poor girl), so I figured today was the right day to address this topic… here, check her out:

Gown by Anne Bowen

Gown by Mon Cheri bridals

… But mind you, this post is hardly just about pretty pictures of Kristin in the wedding dresses she’ll never wear.  Not. at. all.

This post is about relationships.  About how so many people miss the signs… LONG PARENTHETICAL OFFSHOOT APPROACHING… (Case in point: I will never understand why Taylor Swift was pissed off enough at John Mayer for dumping her to go ahead and write a song about.   Why do I feel that way?  Because John Mayer had her duet with him on his “Half Of My Heart” song.  Yes, I love that song.  It’s excellent.  I hate myself for loving it, since Taylor’s right, John Mayer’s guilty of several counts of douchebaggery… but.  This song just feeeeeels like a sign for those involved.  Am I wrong?  I feel right, but then again, I feel right A LOT.  So set me straight if I need setting.)   YOU HAVE NOW REACHED THE END OF YOUR LONG PARENTHETICAL OFFSHOOT.  REMEMBER TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU, AND ENJOY YOUR STAY.  … About how wedding planning, something that’s so incredibly fun and exciting and makes you feel on top of the world (when it isn’t beating the s*** out of you) is only half the battle when it comes to getting married.  You guys are seriously intelligent creatures, so I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. Wait, you know what I’m talking about, right?  Today’s been a crazy day – my dog almost died, y’all – so I’m barely holding on to what I know about syntax and punctuation right now.

Ok, here’s what L&S shared:

Just two days before Kristin Cavallari’s fiancé, Jay Cutler, broke off their engagement, she was glowing with excitement while trying on a series of wedding dresses at her exclusive Life & Style photo shoot.   The reality star looked dazzling in gowns by Anne Bowen and Mon Cheri Bridals as she gushed about her plans for a traditional wedding and her vision of walking down the aisle in a strapless gown.  “I want a romantic, mystical wedding, with lots of flowers,” she shared with Life & Style during the shoot at LA’s Mondrian Hotel on July 21.

An insider close to Kristin reveals that the real trouble began the very next day – on July 22 – when Jay asked her to fly back to Chicago with him the following morning.     “Kristin said she didn’t want to because she’s working on a new TV project and had a full day of shooting scheduled for Tuesday [July 26],” the insider explains. But Jay was angry about it and the argument escalated. “He told her that she needed to commit to him, and to move to Chicago,” the insider continues.  When it became clear that Kristin had no intention of giving up her career in entertainment, Jay broke up with her — returning to Chicago alone on July 23.     Starting a family was also an issue between the couple, who began dating last September. “Jay’s family was pushing Kristin to get pregnant immediately,” says the insider. “Kristin knows she’s too young for kids right now.”     Still, a friend close to Kristin tells Life & Style she was stunned and heartbroken after Jay called things off.  “Kristin really loved Jay. She is devastated.”

I’m going to assume that’s actually what went down.  I’m not focusing on that.  What I’m curious about is what you guys think of what’s behind closed doors when someone jilts his bride or her groom?  Do you think it really can be something that just *comes up* and is non-negotiable?  Or do you think it’s nearly always the case that, in plain terms, there were things bubbling up under the surface, and no one was willing to focus on or address those things… in time…?

It’s such a shame when issues that exist between couples get pushed to the back burner, or worse, not even recognized as worthy of addressing.  Planning a wedding, getting married and being married are not mutually exclusive.  Everything worthwhile takes attention.  Takes work.

Ok, that’s enough.  I’m dismounting from off of my soapbox now and passing it over to you.  Lemme know your thoughts.  Really, whatever you’re thinking or feel like saying.  You can even say, SHUT. UP. Alison.  But then of course I’ll just think you’re Ashley Herrrberrrrre and, well, that just won’t go that well.  I simply have too much ammo.  Anyways, let’s talk.

xoxo!  – Alison

Images provided to The Knotty Bride by Life & Style Magazine

P.S. – We love you so much it HURTS INSIDE, Bambi.  *kissin’ ya face*

You’ve come a long way, baby.

YOU GUYS.  I actually didn’t want to blog about the Wedding Royale with Cheese today.  Why?  Mostly because I knew EVERYONE ELSE WOULD BE BLOGGING THE THING.  But WOW, lotsa pressure from y’all on Twitter to hear my little ol’ take on the occasion.  I’m touched, and a bit frightened… so I, uhh, I hope I get it *right*.  (Don’t hurt me.)

Anywho, it was immediately clear that parallels would be drawn to Grace Kelly (their dresses are incredibly similar), and that the internets would generally be all a flutter about how beautiful she looked, no matter what.  I mean, you could probably schedule a post the night before; it’s always just so obvious what’s going to be discussed.  In fact I wanted to start our letterpress giveaway (THAT’S RIGHT) today instead, and completely ignore the Royal Wedding.  What?!!  Really, I did.  But then a billion things happened, Royal-Wedding-style, that I totally HAD to talk to you about… sooooo I decided next week’s perfect for our giveaway.  I probably shouldn’t have told you about that just now.  Stupid, Alison.  Stupid, stupid!  Ok, please don’t be upset, it’s worth the short wait.  And it’s also the perfect time to reveal our Sarah Seven and Tessa Kim giveaway winners.  So that’s next week, y’all.  You’ve OBVIOUSLY waited long enough.  Ok, onwards…

Here’s what my Mom texted me this morning:

You up?  The wedding brought tears to my eyes.  I did not think I would react this way.  It was so beautiful.  She was so cool and collected.  She fits the role perfectly!  You can see how comfortable they are with one another.

I shared that with you guys because I think she captured how I felt this morning, and how quite a lot of people felt about this event.  Heck, I’ve been poking fun at the whole thing for the last two days here on the blog.  Clearly, I just wasn’t caught up in it yet.

All I can think to say right now is thank goodness Kate rocked the look that she did.  Because I was not in the mood to trudge through a gazillion wedding submissions featuring brides with puffy long sleeves or aggressively large fascinators for the next year or so.  Because it’s inevitable; young thangs far and wide will be using the Royal Wedding as inspiration for their own nuptials for years to come, and we wedding bloggers can only hope that their source of inspiration will be classic and gorgeous enough to encourage spin-offs that keep things firmly settled in Tasteful Land.  So I was delighted to see that today’s wedding ceremony and all events surrounding it thus far have been incredibly understated – as Royal Weddings go – and I’m actually *excited* to see what brides source from the event.  Oh and by the way… I CRIED.

Yep.  I turned on the television, saw Kate, and tears welled up and began to fly out of my eyes.  It was like someone pepper sprayed me with emotional feelings.  Like the mama, I did not think I would react this way.  But then I was like, Alison, you LOVE weddings.  That’s why you do what you do.  You save vendor applications from cinematographers for last, because you know you’re going to sob like a colicky baby when you finally review their films.  So OF COURSE YOU’RE GOING TO CRY OVER “THE BIGGEST WEDDING OF THE CENTURY (or so they say)!”

Of course, being me, aside from crying, I also took note of some unexpected moments, and I’d like to share them with you as well as get your thoughts and feelings about them:

1. This ring ceremony made my freaking DAY.  The wedding band?  Made from a nugget of Welsh gold.  BOOYAH.  Officially totally acceptable to wear a gold ring with an anything-but-gold-engagement ring, y’all!  It’s an age-old concern, to worry about matching your set.  But really, it’s not a big deal.  So stop worrying if you’re in the wrong to want a wedding band that doesn’t match your engagement ring.  It’s really your call.

2. Many are speculating that Kate’s family (those are her parents, Michael and Carole) will not be very involved in her life, if at all, from this point on.  And that it’s just the way things go once you become a member of the royal family.  I don’t really love that.  At all.  What think you?

3. Clearly, Camilla’s lobbying was effective, because Kate emerged with a Cartier tiara atop her head.  Are you a fan of the tiara look for your wedding day?

4. Kate’s maid of honor and sister, Pippa, wore a white gown by Alexander McQueen as well.  What are you thoughts on that?

5. Kate’s veil.  Personally, I loved it.  In my earliest daydreams of a being a bride, I imagined myself wearing a blusher (a veil that features a layer to veil your face as you approach your groom, and then can be lifted over your head).  You really don’t see those all the time.  But now that Kate’s rocked one, HELLOOOOO BLUSHERS.

6. Kate seemed a bit unstable, physically, as they were exchanging vows.  Do you think she was just overwhelmed and fatigued?  Or was it a bit of hesitation/fear?

7. Kate’s gown was quite 50s in silhouette, with gorgeous embroidered sheer sleeves and a slightly deep v.  Much less ostentatious or fashion-forward than many had hoped, but you guys, I really, really loved it.  You know why?  Because that embroidered sheer sleeve look is kind of my dream dress.  I believe this confirms that I have royal taste.  High five!

8. Kate did have a beautician, but apparently she wanted to do her own makeup.  I should note here that she’s been formally trained by a professional makeup artist, but still, that’s pretty bold.  I was actually quite shocked by this decision.  How do you think she did?  A little too heavy on the smokey eye?  Or just right?  And would you do your own makeup?

9. Check out the royal wedding cake being served tonight.  I was kind of completely expecting it to look like this.  I have cake esp.  What do you think of the look?

10. And finally, this little event made my freaking DAY…

Will and Kate did something unprecedented, by departing for their “period of reflection” (aka, sexy time or sleepy time, depending on their mutual energy levels, as well as the time of month… ya feel me, ladeeez?) before the reception in an Aston Martin (aka, every guy’s dream car) loaned by Prince Charles.  The license plate read, “JUST WED”… loves it.  You?

Lastly, did you totally not give a crap about this wedding, and still don’t?  Or did you eat it up like I did, once it got underway?

Also, are you kinda psyched about the letterpress giveaway?  Tee hee.

Happy Friday, friendlies!  Can’t wait to hear your feedback on all of this.

xoxo!  – Alison

All images credited within names.

OMGIFINALLYFINISHEDIT.  Thanks for submitting approx. beyond-too-many-for-me-to-ever-fully-review-and-still-take-care-of-my-dog yesterday.  I can’t even believe I got this post done.  What is it, like 3pm NY time?  omg it IS 3pm NY time.

In other news: at this point, if I were Kate Middleton, I’d probably be starting to get a little upset.  It seems that being royalty begets you many riches but subtracts equal amounts in the way of respect.  Because people are currently toasting to her wedding to Prince William with tea bags depicting her swimming in money, eating scones off of her face, ashing out their cigs on her embedded body, and just generally handling the gamut of kitschy souvenirs boasting her and her sweet, sweet baby’s likeness.

So, on that note, I flippantly asked you guys to help me with a *stupidest Royal Wedding things being sold* compilation, and you have BROUGHTENATED IT.  It was hard to pare down the list, but here they are… the *best* of the best.  (Contributors are totes credited at end of this post, ’cause thas how we do up in here, yaheard.)

By the way, if you like most or all of the commemorative thingies included in this list, please do let me know, would you?  It’s a really effective way to figure out that we have nothing in common and probably shouldn’t ever become friends.

Wheeee!  Ok, let’s start with the above…

Yup, Graham & Brown made some wallpaper for the occasion.  So if you like crowns and coronets on your walls to remind you of how small you are in comparison, this is for you.

AAAAAHHHH ↴

You can get those on Amazon, if you’re totally weird or really cool on a level I will never achieve and hope not to, that is.

Condiddlyondoms.  Obvs.  I think that’s what you get when your name’s Prince Willy.

I hear these condoms don’t actually prevent insemination.  Wow, what a great idea!

Wait, there’s more:

I’ve never seen anything more formally stated.

As a side note, I’d just like to note here that I really love that America isn’t the source of all of this.  Ok, onwards…

Premier Inn Bed Sheets.

Apparently, upon request, the Premier Inn will provide these things to couples staying at the inn on April 28th.  You should totally do this.

Hey, you’re already eating and drinking uncomfortably close to their faces; why not ash on them to boot?

Ah yes, it’s all about homage and respect when it comes to THIS wedding.

PEZ dispensers, y’all.

She looks a bit more like Monica Lewinsky than Kate Middleton but good effort.  Good effort!

This is the scariest thing with faces I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

If my fiance looked at me with a thousand yard stare similar to the one Willy’s rocking, I’d look into not only our relationship, but possible brain damage.

Please note, that crap coinage was expertly designed by some expert in designing coinage.  SUCKSOLA!

Of course, the fridge.  Like 70,000 of you mentioned this one, so I’m including it.  If you’re the type of personal who actually wants to buy this thing – and NOT for the purposes of hilarity – you are useless and eating/drinking up all of my natural resources.  Please stop.  Please.

iPhone skins, obvs.  Don’t buy these either, thanks.

This:

It’s a “cruet set,” but I read it as “cruel set” at first – tell me that isn’t a more accurate description.

You guys, she looks higher than the plane upon which this postcard will be carried for its delivery.

This next one really weirds me out…

Yes, that’s a Royal Wedding c*** ring.  I refuse to elaborate.  It’s too naughty, even for me.

By the way, that’s a vow sheet.  And it… ehhem… comes with your c*** ring.  ← I don’t know how else I could have written that.  I just kept coming back to “comes with your c*** ring.”  Really, the pun forced itself down my throat.  ← That one was all me.

Here’s a tamer ring – the Bazooka Royal Wedding Ring Pop.

Oh by the way, it’s not edible.  Which keeps us seated safely upon the nonsense train, as we continue…

As dolls go, this I guess is a pretty neat-looking Kate Middleton doll:

THIS ONE ISN’T:

This one sucks.

I mean, really?  Kate’s going to wear a ginormous paisley-esque fuchsia thingamajig on her side head?  I think not.

If you’re looking to really make the boys scream, how ’bout this Royal Wedding London England Classic Thong?  I guarantee, the boys will *scream* when you undress.  They’ll scream all the way home, after not sexing you, because that thong is the Trashie McTrashers equivalent of a massive lower back tattoo that reads “open for business” and I-

oh DAMNIT.  It’s made in the USA.  Well there was bound to be one.

Or two… Prince William and Kate Middleton pizza, created by Papa John’s:

That’s pretty well done.  RIDICULOUS, but pretty well done.

Hey look – BrewDog created a beer expressly for consummation, not commemoration, or at least that’s what they said.

Way to be antiestablishment-but-not-really, BrewDog!  You totally mocked-but-not-really those other people making commemorative stuff.  So edgy-but-not.

And finally, if you get too drunk playing drink-when-the-newspeople-draw-parallels-to-Princess-Di’s-wedding, here’s a barf bag.

Also perfect for throwing up after reading this post.  Better than throwing up a little in your mouth!

And now it’s time for a big hug’n'kiss to the following contributors who submitted this terrible fabulousness:

Meena @ NY Daily News / The Groom Says / DanMar85 / not_so_witty / Jessica Fey / Marit Hanson / GigMasters / Carrara Nour / ByeByeBride / COLOoccasions / Jenna Masters / Honey Bee Invites / SparklyLove / The Man Registry / Paloma Naderi / L.O.V.E. Bouquets / Shawna Brinkley via The Sun

So, what’s your favorite?  And if it’s not listed here, feel free to let us all know that, too.

Hope you liked, friendlies!

xoxo!  - Alison