The Knotty Bride™ Wedding Blog + Wedding Vendor Guide

Happy late Thursday, my friends!  This post is wedding-centric in nature, so I do want to apologize if you were looking for something more “how do i secure my breasts so they stop bouncing”-oriented, as someone who visited the blog searched earlier today.

If you came here by searching “I’m trying not to fart so often,” well then… then I don’t really know what to say.  I’m not sur-I mean, maybe don’t eat things that do that to- actually, I really just……… best of luck.  Best of luck to you.

Ok, now to get to this post.   {Continue reading…}

123four. five. 678nine. ten. ELEVEN. TWELVE. 

^ IT BEEN THREE DAYS.  WANT TUNE LEAVE HEAD PLEASE.  YES?  NEED ROOM IN BRAIN FOR THINK.

Aright, SO!  Happy Wednesday evening to your faces n stuff.  Listen, I will have you know that I am very, very excited for today’s question.  Of course by excited I actually mean totally emotionally distraught and angry that effing people keep effing acting this way towards their own effing children.

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Happy late in the day on Tuesday, lovers.  Thanks for being super troopers (← GREAT movie) and bearing with me as I fight (or lay moaning in submission of) this cold, you guys.  I appreciate the concern everyone’s been showing me, it touches my heart so deeply.  Seriously, so deeply, you have NFI.  It’s actually kind of shocking how sick I am, really.  I’ve been so fortunate not to have had a cold in I think a few years, so this is all new to me.  I’m the kind of sick where you find yourself leaning your head on the bathroom mirror to hold yourself up while you brush your teeth, and sitting down in the tub because you realize that taking a shower is actually pretty hard work.  It’s like, constant movement.  I’m weirdly sicker than I was last week, with new symptoms which leads me to believe that I’ve contracted some sort of cold starfish and it’s just going to keep regenerating arms of cold, and essentially stay with me into eternity.  I’m gonna have a cold in heaven, is what I’m working to accept right now.

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Happy Friday afternoon, bubelahs!  Welcome to post number two today.

Now, I know you’re looking at those mint dresses and the ruffly shoes and everything and you’re probably thinking, “whoa, this wedding is Alison’s baaaag.  She is probably freaking. out. over this wedding.  Crap, I bet this is going to be the longest post in the history of Alison posts!”

And yes normally that is how I would react to a wedding like this, and you are right to think I should have a lot of loving words to say about it.  But the problem is, I find it incredibly hard to write and to orgasm at the same time, so I’m actually going to be keeping it quite brief, as posts go.

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Happy Friday afternoon, sweethearts!  Here we are with post number one of two posts I have comin’ atcha faces today.  Do you remember how I hinted in yesterday’s “hey I’m sick pity me” post that I’d have a wee *treat* for you guys this Friday?  Well here it is!  Issa giveaway, SON!

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Happy Thursday evening, lovers.

I wanna start with sequins, because why the hell not, right?  So… don’t you love how sequins can make anything look amazing and hip?

For example, check out this old battery, wearing sequins:

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Let’s start light, on this lovely Wednesday evening.  With a fact…

Whenever Honey says “You know what’s funny?” I go “YA FACE.”  It’s a knee-jerk reaction but I think I’m gonna stop doing that.

You know why?  Because when I’m sick like right now he goes and he does this:

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Well hello and welcome to your Tuesday evening posticle.  We have much to explorrrrre…

But first:

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Happiest of Monday afternoons to your faces, my friends!  Actually, there are more things to greet…

Hi there, vibrant yellow bouquet in the foreground with ribbons the color of azure waters that I want to touch.  You flutter beautifully like the hair of Beyonce with child while she performs in high heels which is very dangerous!  Oh and hey- how’s the weather, extremely attractive couple caught in a moment of not exactly kissing, not exactly laughing?  Oohh and hello to you, too, billy ball decorated cake of on-trend wonder and astonishment.  Can I see you up close?

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Happy late Thursday peoples!

So, you’re saying *photos* are the orange part of my iphone memory, correct?

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Hey guys it’s me.

Not Ryan Gosling; Alison.  Sometimes I write posts that are so outlandishly outlandish, that the only thing I feel can pull it together, give it at least the facade of relevance and legitimacy… is Ryan’s punim.  I think it’s doing a great job of it.  A really great, sexy job.

Now about the title.  It’s like a weird amount of words, right?  Sorry; things get that way sometimes, and I just don’t like to fight it.  Anyway, nice to see your gorgeous/handsome/adorable-in-a-completely-nonsexual-way-if-you’re-under-18 faces again, on this Wednesday evening.   {Continue reading…}

Happy late Tuesday, party people.

Preface: Today’s Reader Question/Real Wedding were put together strategically as per usual, but the way I’m presenting the question requires it to be in three parts, and the format is therefore a little nuanced.  Also, I think I’m using ‘nuanced’ wrong.  I’ve decided to include the reader’s follow-up response to the answer I offered her, because her response speaks to a pretty disgusting problem I’ve never touched on before.  Frankly, I haven’t even been cognizant of it.  I was WTF-ing all the way through.  Because WTF.  I mean, WHO DOES THIS.  Ok sorry you’ll see what I mean when you see her response.  K, here we go… 

Today’s question from a reader is one that really hit me hard.  Basically, {Continue reading…}

Hey all!  Did you learn any lessons today?  I did. :)  I learned that staying up very, very late because you’re pretty sure you just heard a mouse in your kitchen but you can’t manage to think of anything in your entire home to use to thwart it from burrowing into Bambino’s dog food other than a can of Matte Finish Spray Paint… is stupid and it’ll probably ruin your next day productivity.

Note: I didn’t use the Matte Finish Spray Paint, PETA.  What I decided on (by unanimous vote-Bambo and I shook on it) was {Continue reading…}

↑ like WHOA.

Happy Friday afternoon-almost-weekend you guys!  I sorries; I knowww it’s late even for me :) but most of today was spent working on some projects/some upcoming news of the personal variety – that yes, of course I’m going to share with you soon – and the remaining time was weirdly spent editing shots I took at a recent Vera Wang event because I feel bad I haven’t freaking SHAAARED them with you yet, jeez, but I promise they are coming, I promise promise promise.  Ok anyway I really wanna hear your deepest, darkest thoughts on the following, so here we go…

I think I’m telling a lot of people’s stories when I say this… so tell me if you’ve experienced this, too:

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This wedding is off the chain.  It is fully engaged in kicking butt and taking names, and it’s making no apologies for its actions.  It is EPICNESS, brethren.  Come, join me as I flop around in its bouncy castle of unmitigated brilliance.  Mind the swords.

I’m sorry, I was reading the dictionary and the metaphor-in-ary? again today.

Ok, here, let’s play a game.  This’ll be fun.  The rules: {Continue reading…}

Hey so real quick first – guess what I just turned to owne tha teeluhhveeshun?  No really, please- please guess.

“Secretly Pregnant.”

I’m watching “Secretly Pregnant,” a show about girls who are secretly handling the task of pregnancy.

There is a show called SECRETLY PREGNANT.  On OUR TELEVISIONS.  This is happening!  WTF????  Aright sorry, it’s just, WTF?

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Happy Buyer’s Remorse Day!  How did your shopping go?  Did it go swimmingly?  Oh, how did mine go?  Aww, thanks for asking – here’s how it went: I stayed up ’til around 3am with Bambo sitting at my feet letting me know we should probably be heading to bed by staring at me with his “we should probably be heading to bed” face – actually here, see it for yourself:

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OMFG DO YOU HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT??!!  Because I’m hearing through the grapevine (read: news) that people are fully occupying Cyber Monday with the entire contents of their wallets.  But the important question is: are you getting a good deal?  I hope you’re not dropping your Benjamins on that lawn mower you started eying on Friday for the first time ever because it was going to be 50% off.  Because you live in the city, Alison.  You don’t NEEEEEED a riding lawn mower.  Especially not if you’re going to have to pay Manhattan Storage a monthly fee to store it until you move to the suburbs.  Which if you have your way, won’t be happening for at least 25 more years.

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It’s Thursday my friends, and you know what that means…

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I really classed that OMFG up, eh?  Eh?  YEAH I did.

Hello and happy Tuesday afternoonerrrrractually evening-ish once again!

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Happy Monday evening, lovers.  Seeing as it’s evening-time, I’m feeling especially excited that you’re with me.  Thanks for sticking around for this HUGE POST that I, once again, put way too much effort into.  Anyway, it’s so lovely to have you back for a new week.  Tell me, how are you?  Did you have a good weekend?  How was dinner, since it’s pretty close to bed time at the moment.  More importantly, are you gearing up for another Thanksgiving?  It’s approximately five seconds away, just so you know.  By now you probably know where you’re celebrating it… right?  So, will it be at your own home?  Your family’s home?  Your partner’s family home?  Both homes; one for dinner, then mad rush to the other for dessert?  A restaurant equidistant between your respective places of birth?  A grassy knoll measured out beforehand to be exactly half-way in distance between your family and your partner’s family, so no one gets offended?

Ok, actually, I’ve gotta get something off my chest.  Bear with me?  I have a quick message for my Bizarro World BF Ryan Gosling before we get into today’s Real Life Relationship Issue…

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(↑ This wedding is giving me a contact high.)

BE WARNED: Menstruation makes for emotional blog posts.  So if you are related to me, or have an *outtie* instead of an *innie* in that region about five inches beneath where *innies* and *outties* are typically used to reference a part of the body, then you’ll probably want to stop reading right around this point.  Like now.  Because it’s gonna get sticky icky icky.  Ok?  Stop reading.  Stop.  Stop it.  Leave the site.  (I’m serious, Dad.  You don’t want any of this.  I love our relationship, and I love that you care enough about me to read my blog… now let’s not ruin it all with something like this next sentence that YOU NEED TO NOT READ.)

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