‘THE BACHELOR’ RECAP | Season 18, Episode 2 | Naked Photo Shoot For a Good Cause, Drunk Victoria & The Hymen Maneuver.

It’s Saturday.  Here, finally, is your Episode 2 recap.

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LET’S BEGIN.

The show starts with previews of the show.  EVERYTHING is going to happen.  Yet nothing at all.  I’m ashamed at how excited I am for such manufactured nothingness to unravel.

Flash to Dog Lover’s dog, Molly, who is swimming in the pool.  Molly couldn’t swim before The Bachelor but this pool is filled with the salt of 27 women’s tears so she’s practically floating.  It’s really good to see that at least one of the girls is growing from this experience.   {Continue reading…}

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‘THE BACHELOR’ RECAP | Season 18 + Episode 1: You Guys, I Don’t Juan To Watch This Show Anymore…

I haven’t showered in almost three days and if I had an office job this would be the point where I decide I’m going to sprinkle baby powder on my scalp tomorrow morning to cover up the grease.  I am a disgusting manifestation of a human being.

In comparison, these girls are immaculate.  They look like they shower every day.

bachelor juan pablo season 18 cast shot

Somehow, however, this show still manages to make me feel really good about myself.

Welcome To Your Long Overdue Bachelor Recap

I have to start by saying,  {Continue reading…}

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OPEN LETTER TO DES HARTSOCK | 10 Tips As You Embark On Life With A Man For Whom You Seem To Be Settling..

“There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.”

― Judith McNaught

_bachelorette-finale-desiree-hartsock

I finally found an exception to that rule.

The Bachelorette Finale – Part II: All You Don’t Need Is Love?

It’s such a shame to me when a girl {Continue reading…}

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GIVEAWAY + BACHELORETTE RECAP | Enter To Win Gold Foil Notecards + Desiree & Her Bachelors [NSFW-ish]

Here we go.  {Continue reading…}

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PARTY + GLITTER = FUN | DIY Party Favor + Place Card + Necklace… In One! Plus: A Note About ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette,’ Which Premiered Last Night. Plus Bambino.

At the risk of sounding famous (because I’m not) I once hung out in an airport with Dave Matthews.  He approached me.

Let me set the stage: I’m de-boarding a plane.  The face I see when I’m having sex with my college boyfriend is walking towards me.  Initially the beauty of this moment is lost on me – I start searching for the pretty girl he’s looking at just over my shoulder.  I notice only my friends are behind me, no offense.  He stops a foot in front of me.. reaches out his hand, and opens his mouth.  It speaks.  The syllables are vaguely familiar…

“Alison?”

My mom had noticed him seated at my gate — she’d remembered his likeness from the area of ceiling over my bed.  He must be someone special.

Summoning the superhuman motherstrength that comes out in situations where your child could possibly be elated for a few seconds because of something you did, she very casually strikes up a conversation with Dave Matthews, nbd.  “Your biggest fan is getting off that plane in a minute – she even has a poster of you over her bed..”  ..is how I imagine it went.  She says it didn’t go that way but I know what she’s like.

He ends up talking to me for 20 minutes.  And from the moment he says “Alison?” to the end where he says “nice meeting you Alison, goodbye” I literally did not speak one word and he was asking me questions.  Too in awe (or I was involuntarily c**ming and had to really really focus (ladies you know how it is!)  Anywho.  What I did offer him was a few breathy grunts, and a highly alert look of shock on my face for the duration (like what happens when you see a too large penis in front of you and you start freaking out because, uh oh, that’s not going to fit in my vagina.  But then you “feel bad” and have sex with him anyway and it’s amazing, and you get engaged).  I went that mute.

I was more speechless than that you guys, after last night’s Bachelorette premiere.

The recap of which is coming up after this lovely DIY project Kindred made for you guys.  High kicks, woot!

By the {Continue reading…}

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BACHELORETTE EMILY RECAP Ep. 5: “GTFO.” | How are all these life-size Barbie figurines talking right now.

Hello and welcome ladies and gentlemen to your Knotty recap of The Bachelorette Episode 5.   {Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP PART 1: The Finale | MYTH: If a man owns a winery, it means that man is a pillar of society.

Now is as good a time as any to tell you that I’m having a lot of trouble processing the cloaks factor of Monday night’s episode.  I’m anxious to get to it.  Pray this entire recap isn’t riddled with references to cloaks and types of people who wear capes, because it’s sort of the dominant gene in this pool right now.

I AM SO GLAD IT’S OVER.  This guy is the dictionary definition of a drag of a human being who is less properly equipped for finding love than Bambino’s balls are equipped for making new Bambinos.  But I’ll pity a ball-less (ballsless?  balllless?) Bambino who’s none the wiser before I’ll feel even an ounce of pity for a privileged winemaker who lists among his allergies Quality Ladies and My Own Tears.  I feel like Ben should go on to write a book entitled, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Assholes.”  I think it would be a New York Times best-seller for how accurate and effective it is for becoming an asshole.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EP 9: “I cried a little bit today.” Who Integrates into Ben’s Life Best, You Guys? Let’s Find Out.

Me again.  Happy Saturday you guys.  FYI, my announcement comes a little later on today if you’re wondering.

Let me just say, here, that Ben’s kissing technique is murdering my face.  I can hardly stands it.  NO’MOES.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 7: Oh My Dad. | “If only my boyfriend didn’t have five other girlfriends, this’d be the perfect date.” {Plus, the WPPI Convention in Las Vegas}

Oh My Dad, you guys.  It’s Saturday morning and wuh-BAM, your Bachelor recap is here to greet you.  This episode, they call it “episode 7,” had all the trappings of any typically amazing episode of The Bachelor, amirite or am I very, very wrong?  Here’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m just gonna jump right in, because prefaces are for the thorough and I’m trying to break that habit so that I don’t die before my time.  Which is a little bit more down the road but still in 2012 with all of you at the end of this year, since shows like this one are a sure sign that the apocalypse is arriving on schedule.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 6 – PART TWO | A scrapbook and a romper walk into a bar.

Hello and welcome to your early Monday morning edition of The Bachelor Recap of Episode 6, Part 2.  Yeah, this is happening.  I know, right?  I can’t believe it either.

Ok.  I want to start off with a couple of important notes/corrections regarding your Episode 6 recap, in order from least to MOST important.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 6 – PART ONE……………… Ben is a National Treasure.

OMG that took forever right?  I’m such a batch.

Happy super late in the evening on Thursday, friendlies.  Actually that’s wrong– I think the clock just STRUCK MIDNIGHT, so what I meant to say is good morning on Friday!  Oh, quick note about Ben’s hair, I asked him to cut it and here’s how he reacted (such a whittle behbeh)–

Ok, NOW, hello and welcome to your episode six Bachelor recap, lovers.  Part 1.  I know you’ve been waiting a while for this, {Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 5: “He’s Just Not That Into Love.” | Have You Ever Asked Yourself… WWDGD?

Someone needs to go and tell these women to start emoting on this show.  I feel like all I see are poker faces.

{Continue reading…}

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THE BACHELOR RECAP | EPISODE 3: SUPER MELLOW + DOWN TO EARTH + DRAMA FREE.

Oh hi- hello, I didn’t see you there.  Welcome to late Wednesday evening.  Your Bachelor Recap is ready.  Sorry it took me exactly the same amount of time that it took me last time to get it up.  That’s what she said.

{Continue reading…}

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PRE-BACHELOR RECAP PERSONAL POST | I needed a good cry today. This did it.

Happy late Tuesday evening, faces.  I truly believe we’ll see eye to eye on this.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE TWO | Of Men and Not-A-Girls: A Tale of Behbehs, Boobehs and Dirt is Your Makeup?

me again.

… hello and welcome to your second episode recap, friends and neighbors.  Before we begin, I do just wanna make a quick shout out to WordPress, for making it juuuuust short of impossible to have this post go live in any sort of timely manner.  You were really killin’ me with the slow image uptaking all day yesterday, WordPress.  What was that?  You were killing me softly with your song.

Ok, SO!  We begin and in this, episode two of this season of The Bachelor, another man with a horrible last name he couldn’t sell in the real world returns to our screens {Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP: IOWA RED FLAG PRIMARIES | Crazy is the new black. And one of these girls kills things and eats balls. < I am quoting. You can’t make this s**t up.

Prologue: Happy Tuesday evening aka Bachelor Recap Night.  I trust my Bachelor-watching-readers have had the chance to watch the show?  I know, I feel like a ridiculous following yet another season, too.  It’s the nature of the beast; don’t be ashamed.  

Like many of you, I thought this season started next week, so I was pleasantly dismayed to find the premiere episode in my tv listings last night.  I pressed the record button, and proceeded to do anything other than watch The Bachelor with my time. 

Fast forward several hours to when I watched The Bachelor.  We begin.

“I AM BETTER NOW” MONTAGE

Still unattractive, Ben has returned to find love this season, and it’s clear he lucked out with Ashley rejecting him, because just look at this bevy of smart, low mainten– wait where did these whores come from.

{Continue reading…}

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GLAM WEDDING STYLING + SILHOUETTE CAKE LOVE | Aaaand your Bachelor Pad Recap returns. Some water would be nice. Plus Bam stars in, “Fouffy Face.”

Happy Tuesday afternoo- errr late evening, bubelahs!  How you doin’, you doin’ well?  You feelin’ good?  Weather nice, near you?  I love your shoes today.  How’s the guy, he good?  Yeah, he’s doing well?  Good, good.  ALRIGHT SMALL TALK OVER.

I took my {Continue reading…}

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AMAZEBALLS DIY OUTDOOR WEDDING | Plus, Your Bachelor Pad Recap (OR, ‘How I Almost Vomited Four Times’) Also, caught with my pants down during that earthquake.

I have news.  I now know what an earthquake feels like, since, as many of you know, one just happened along what seems to be the entire eastern seaboard, including parts of Canada.  I’ve always wondered how I’d react in an earthquake situation, and I’m proud to say that I know the answer to that now.  That is where the pride ends, though.  Here’s what I did and thought as the eaaarth. mooooooved. undah-mah-feet:

What I did - remained still; looked Ames Shocked.

What I thought to myself -  {Continue reading…}

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BRIDESMAID LOVE + Where Are My Coitus Auditions, Bachelor Pad 2? | Plus, it’s all about baring your midriff on your wedding day, says one single soul on this Earth. Guess who? DON’T ALL ANSWER AT ONCE.

that’s a sneak peek from an upcoming feature I’m excited to share (I mean, obvs.; just look at it) but also don’t want to associate in full-feature-form with this smorgasbord of a blog post conversation today.  We have other fish to fry and/or lightly bake with low-fat gluten free cornflake crumbs, and all that starts….. now:

Happy early evening on Tuesday, my buddies my pals!  How you doin’ out there?  You good?  I trust that those of you out there who are waiting on this recap have had ample time to go ahead and watch it?  Waited ’til 8pm EST this time to take this live, just to be sure!  Because there are definitely slight spoilers ahead, F to the Y to the I.

Ok, SO!  I’m gonna start today with a quick question that I’m looking forward to getting your thumbs up or thumbs down on.  Your feedback to yesterday’s post was the bomb, and I think a whole lot of us got a whole lot out of it, which makes me break out in hives of itchy pleasure.  While the topic was a bit of a downer, your comments were so interesting and honest and real, and I loved every minute of what you had to say and share.  Now, the question:  {Continue reading…}

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SEASIDE GLAMOUR + I NEED HER DRESS | fuchsia + mint + white delight | Plus, The Bambeen… and I need a little advice from you guys. Also, holy crap I’ve lost my mind.

Second verse, same as the first.  I have to warn you, yet again, that today’s post got so out of hand I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU.  I’m afraid even to read it over for spelling and punctuation.  I fear my own rampant oddness will get the best of me, like two parallel universes (universi?) colliding.  I’m scared.  Please, hold me.

Yep… happy late afternoon on Friday, friendlies.  Please, BRACE THYSELVES.  {Continue reading…}

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SHORT DRESS LOVE + THE BACHELORETTE | When it comes to the wedding day, is a short dress… acceptable?

SO!

Good afternoon, darlings!  I hope I’m posting this one late enough; it’s 6:00 PM EST, and I uhhh, well, I think you know what that means…

.. Before I tell you what it means, let me just mention real quick that this post is actually about wearing a short dress on your wedding day, so I’m excited to hear what your opinions are on that…

Ok, now, here’s what it means: {Continue reading…}

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DIY OUTDOOR GRILLIN’ WEDDING | Only a cookie bar + chalkboards + succulents dressed as cupcakes can help me and Bambino recover from last night’s Bachelorette.

Sigh.  Happy late afternoon, lovers… {Continue reading…}

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