‘THE BACHELOR’ RECAP | Season 18, Episode 2 | Naked Photo Shoot For a Good Cause, Drunk Victoria & The Hymen Maneuver.

It’s Saturday.  Here, finally, is your Episode 2 recap.

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LET’S BEGIN.

The show starts with previews of the show.  EVERYTHING is going to happen.  Yet nothing at all.  I’m ashamed at how excited I am for such manufactured nothingness to unravel.

Flash to Dog Lover’s dog, Molly, who is swimming in the pool.  Molly couldn’t swim before The Bachelor but this pool is filled with the salt of 27 women’s tears so she’s practically floating.  It’s really good to see that at least one of the girls is growing from this experience.   {Continue reading…}

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‘THE BACHELOR’ RECAP | Season 18 + Episode 1: You Guys, I Don’t Juan To Watch This Show Anymore…

I haven’t showered in almost three days and if I had an office job this would be the point where I decide I’m going to sprinkle baby powder on my scalp tomorrow morning to cover up the grease.  I am a disgusting manifestation of a human being.

In comparison, these girls are immaculate.  They look like they shower every day.

bachelor juan pablo season 18 cast shot

Somehow, however, this show still manages to make me feel really good about myself.

Welcome To Your Long Overdue Bachelor Recap

I have to start by saying,  {Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP PART 1: The Finale | MYTH: If a man owns a winery, it means that man is a pillar of society.

Now is as good a time as any to tell you that I’m having a lot of trouble processing the cloaks factor of Monday night’s episode.  I’m anxious to get to it.  Pray this entire recap isn’t riddled with references to cloaks and types of people who wear capes, because it’s sort of the dominant gene in this pool right now.

I AM SO GLAD IT’S OVER.  This guy is the dictionary definition of a drag of a human being who is less properly equipped for finding love than Bambino’s balls are equipped for making new Bambinos.  But I’ll pity a ball-less (ballsless?  balllless?) Bambino who’s none the wiser before I’ll feel even an ounce of pity for a privileged winemaker who lists among his allergies Quality Ladies and My Own Tears.  I feel like Ben should go on to write a book entitled, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Assholes.”  I think it would be a New York Times best-seller for how accurate and effective it is for becoming an asshole.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EP 9: “I cried a little bit today.” Who Integrates into Ben’s Life Best, You Guys? Let’s Find Out.

Me again.  Happy Saturday you guys.  FYI, my announcement comes a little later on today if you’re wondering.

Let me just say, here, that Ben’s kissing technique is murdering my face.  I can hardly stands it.  NO’MOES.

{Continue reading…}

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THE BACHELOR RECAP | EPISODE 3: SUPER MELLOW + DOWN TO EARTH + DRAMA FREE.

Oh hi- hello, I didn’t see you there.  Welcome to late Wednesday evening.  Your Bachelor Recap is ready.  Sorry it took me exactly the same amount of time that it took me last time to get it up.  That’s what she said.

{Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE TWO | Of Men and Not-A-Girls: A Tale of Behbehs, Boobehs and Dirt is Your Makeup?

me again.

… hello and welcome to your second episode recap, friends and neighbors.  Before we begin, I do just wanna make a quick shout out to WordPress, for making it juuuuust short of impossible to have this post go live in any sort of timely manner.  You were really killin’ me with the slow image uptaking all day yesterday, WordPress.  What was that?  You were killing me softly with your song.

Ok, SO!  We begin and in this, episode two of this season of The Bachelor, another man with a horrible last name he couldn’t sell in the real world returns to our screens {Continue reading…}

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BACHELOR RECAP: IOWA RED FLAG PRIMARIES | Crazy is the new black. And one of these girls kills things and eats balls. < I am quoting. You can’t make this s**t up.

Prologue: Happy Tuesday evening aka Bachelor Recap Night.  I trust my Bachelor-watching-readers have had the chance to watch the show?  I know, I feel like a ridiculous following yet another season, too.  It’s the nature of the beast; don’t be ashamed.  

Like many of you, I thought this season started next week, so I was pleasantly dismayed to find the premiere episode in my tv listings last night.  I pressed the record button, and proceeded to do anything other than watch The Bachelor with my time. 

Fast forward several hours to when I watched The Bachelor.  We begin.

“I AM BETTER NOW” MONTAGE

Still unattractive, Ben has returned to find love this season, and it’s clear he lucked out with Ashley rejecting him, because just look at this bevy of smart, low mainten– wait where did these whores come from.

{Continue reading…}

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DIY OUTDOOR GRILLIN’ WEDDING | Only a cookie bar + chalkboards + succulents dressed as cupcakes can help me and Bambino recover from last night’s Bachelorette.

Sigh.  Happy late afternoon, lovers… {Continue reading…}

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